The Bugle - Bugle 4119 - Evil but competent

Episode Date: August 31, 2019

Andy is with Alice Fraser and Mark Steel to discuss whether Boris is pro rogue or anti rogue. Plus, fires, hurricanes and Donald Trump's take. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Googlers and welcome to issue 4,119 of the Bugle Audio newspaper for a visual world. It is Friday, 30th of August. This is the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, 2nd of September 2019.

I'm Andy Zoltzman back in London. The city where a thousand years ago today, not a lot was going on. Really a bit of this, bit of that. Now that's a totally different, arguably too much. If any of you would find some kind of middle ground between those two, joining me today, all the way from Australia, Alice Fraser and all the way from the 1980s, Mark Steele. Hello Andy. Hello.

So the 80s seem like quite a sort of little, little reservoir of calm to go back to, don't they? You're changing your opinion on Fatcher, Mark. Ah! It was a sweet arm, compared to this. She'd be leading it now, wouldn't she? She wouldn't be dithering about. Technically, I'm also from the ages. Yeah.

And some of the comedy I was doing back then was, ugh! Ah! Well, I think it's reasonable to say, Fatcher was evil, but at least she was competent. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Is that a better combination? At least the cold trains ran on time. We are recording on the 30th August more on the issues we've tangentially touched on there shortly. On the 30th August, in 1963, the Moscow Washington hotline opened a phone line between the leaders of the USA and the Soviet Union. Like so many things, it was a state-run utility then, now just a privatized phone line. That's both things do change. And on the 31st of August 1897, Thomas Edison patented the Kinetascope, which was the world's first movie projector I think. Let's call it the world's first movie projector

massive hit films on the kinetic scope included man holding a hat for two seconds, apples staying on a plate, women slightly dancing and one-twentieth of a minute later. The original Kineshtoscope enabled films to be viewed by just one person at a time, but it had sadly fallen out of use by the time the movie career of former Bugal co-host John Oliver began. On 31st August 161 AD, Emperor Comedy was born, 12 AD, Emperor Kyligula was born, warning, if you Kyligula was born warning. If you were born on the 31st of August, do not under any circumstances take a holiday in or near Rome,

just in case those are two bad precedents. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, and other people's homes are a f*** of a lot nicer than your home section. TV actor Gullet McCarp explains why his home is a f*** of a lot nicer than yours, for reasons ranging from a global kitchen with 18 different breaduffins from around the world to his 5G enabled or auto-flushing fair trade mock-ivory toilet, which automatically detects what kind of deposit he has left. Well, Fonda manager, Elizabeth

Lopez Plaque berates you for your lack of money and social awareness in not owning a Jalusi, a women only Jack Oosie and multi-millionaire artist and baker's agent Pino Glaring, Texas round his 300 acre rewild his natural adventure golf site in which you have to put your ball around a sleeping bear into the actual squirrel hole of a 400-year-old oak tree and then drive it through a functioning 1760s Dutch Wilm Windmill which grinds the flower up for his top celebrity clients including the controversial cake fjora 2018 winner Jazzard Plaint and the former fakey to cakey champion Gerard Fandallworth that section in a bin. in the bin. The phone line thing, that that's your mind, this is true. I once, I don't worry I did this and I'm not proud of it, I was once a guest on George Galaway's radio show on something or other and it was in some strange little peculiar office somewhere in the middle

of London and I went down stairs and I was just waiting, I could just hear him sort of about to introduce me. He used to do these, I mean George Galloway's done many indefensible things, but these peculiar introductions. Now let me introduce the incandescence of perunulation that all this sort of thing. The obfuscation that allows the oblivion into all this sort of stuff. And as I look round, there was this woman there in a bikini. I thought, what, eh?

And in the sort of net, not even in the next office, in the same, sorry, not even in the next office, in the same room, but in a sort of behind a partition, but that didn't even cover the whole room. There was a chat line thing going on but on the telly one of these channels and this woman was on the bikini and she was going she started hello hmm what are you eating all hind sponge pudding I like syrupy things and all that and all that's like that's a thing. Oh well I don't know Yeah, that's what I'm exactly as I'm trying to do it as if I was doing

And then there was a sign up saying no fingers down pants and And meanwhile this was onto the left and to the right and all of the toxicity of the irrigation of the nebulation that pervades this capitalistic fascistic literary. It was really it was not a really strange dream. Oh sounds still helpful. Anyway that just put me in mind you're a bit about the 80 Yeah, that's the 80s for you. The 60s fun line. She ever gone to Iraq to talk to Salamore Sayy. No, no, no.

Anyway, it's time now. She haven't touched what she was saying. I like Baghdad for you. Mmm. Weapons of mass destruction. Family shock. light bag there to use. Weapons of mass destruction. Family show. Top story this week. And well, we're going to have to start with the state of British democracy.

Parliament is being prorogged, which was a word that frankly no one had ever noticed until recently. Mark, I'm here by pointing you a constitutional first correspondent. Well, it's perfectly normal apparently. I mean, I, exactly, nobody's ever prorogged anything of they, at any point, as anyone, all I've got them prorogged me, keys again. No one's ever done that. And now this whole business, which does seem to be to be shutting down Parliament for several weeks, for all that, and then they've got the bit of such a lie that, oh, it's just normal procedure, there's always been doing this normal procedure to shut down at the most historic point

when Parliament would be discussing things. And it's such a naked open lie, let's left three days left to discuss it and even that on the Tuesday they'll say, oh, we've released some leopards into the House of Commons, but this is perfectly normal procedure. We won't be able to discuss anything today and the day after that Ian Duncan Smith will be sort of coked up sitting there, making a crack pipe with a flame thrower with a stet's and going shoot in anyone who comes in and they'll say this is just normal procedure there's no way or anything ridiculous in the opposites of say there's any way I'm dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb bretied and it's just but the other side, it just seems to,

I think they've got a little bit more of a sort of gumption about them, but just so much, they're doing that, they're trampling over anything to get their way, and the opposition's going, oh, I don't know what to do really, maybe if we come up with a legislative what not and put it as back of the sort of build of cleaning, dry cleaning bill. We can maybe,

oh I don't know, maybe if we set up a national government of Cuckery in which Dominic Gree takes charge of Brexit and John McDonald makes the omelets but polite Cumbri won't go along with it because they want a leak and Corbyn's insisting on a marrow from his allotment. Oh, I don't know, and they've got to get some gumption about them, these people. But that's clearly what he's doing. He's barely, you know, he's, they're barely concealing it when their lies are so blunt, you know, when Reese Mogs going, we have to take power back from the elite. As I said this morning in Latin before my daily jost. So he was one of the ones that said this is just perfectly, perfectly normal procedure. And so that man knew anything about what was perfect normal.

And perfectly normal for him is getting his children to recite the entirety of Virgil's echelons before they're allowed breakfast. Well, I think it's fairly simple. Like on one hand, an unelected man has asked an unelected woman whether he can shut down the government, so he can get what he wants on the premise that it's what the country wants, which is a fair enough point, if you truly believe that the country knows what it wants, knew what it wanted when it asked for it, and will not regret it once it's irreparable, which arguably it already is.

That said, I do sort of get why leave voters are only getting more and more furious. It's like, if you're complaining to your parents about, I don't know, having to practice the piano and your parents are like, well, do you want to quit then? And you say, actually, yes, I do. And your parents say, no, you're regretted. It's really useful later in life to understand how to read music. And you go, I hate it. I want to quit and play computer games with my friends. And they're like, but you're really lucky your school offers a free music program. And you're like, I want to fucking quit the fucking piano. And they're like, it's for your own good. And then all of a sudden, it's less about whether or not the piano lessons are worthwhile.

And more about the fact you're not being allowed to leave. And then you burn down the house. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, well that's, that's, that's, that's, it's, it's, it's our, it's our precious democracy in action. Pro Rogue coincidentally, it was also on, on, on Boris Johnson's Tinder profile. But so, you know, we are taking back,

come on, he's an amateur rogue at best. But we are taking back control of the quaintly British parody democracy that we hold so dear. We're a democracy, loving country. I think our attitude towards democracy is, I guess, like when you meet someone who says, yeah, my great-grandmother, I love her dearly. She's still alive, amazing, got all her faculties.

You must come round and see it one day, and you go round to visit, and my great-grandmother, I love her dearly, she's still alive, amazing, got all her faculties. You must come round and see it one day, and you go round to visit, and the great-grandmother has changed her radiator in a dungeon naked, but for the molding remnants of a gim-pout fit, saying, am I still beautiful? And then your friend says, well, she needs watering,

and then whas is powerful into her sunken ice sockets with grumbling that she fails to express the requisite level of gratitude. That's basically our relationship with democracy. I think that was, I think Corbin said, very similar thing. It's been described as a full frontal assault on democracy, full frontal and politically priopic with the robotic flame throwing cock of cynical opportunism, striping democracy in its private parts. It's all just further in dignities for this, well as I've said before, it does make you want to go around

World War Cemetery's knocking on graves and apologizing. Well yeah, well Matt Hancock said during the election campaign for Tory leadership, he wrote to all the other candidates to implore them to specifically rule out that they would do this because he said it would be, it would bring shame on the war, did. Yeah, he said it would go against everything that those men who waited on to those beaches fought and died for. Yes, and now he's done exactly that, but I, but a people have said he's a hypocrite, but I don't think he is because I think he really doesn't like those people who waited on

to the beaches because they were fighting for democracy, which is clearly not a fair enough. And so I don't think he's a bit crutch-a-tall, he's been unfairly maligned to that. Oh, okay. So, yeah, yes. And it's very much about how you interpret these things. I mean, Amber Rudd similarly said,

the idea of leaving the EU to date back more control into Parliament, and then to consider the idea of closing Parliament to do that is the most extraordinary idea I've ever heard. But extraordinary can mean many things, can't it? Yes. You know, we saw Ben Stokes for England in which I'm sure we will come on to this. And I've been incredibly disciplined to have got hung out along with people for 14 minutes and without even mentioning probably the greatest moment in the history of human civilization. Well, you are wearing the t-shirt right now that says

everyone lets talk about Ben Stokes. That's not a t-shirt unless that is a tattoo. I wonder why I'd had nipples on it. I'm taking back the nipple. Yeah, I always remember when I was about 14 and I was talking about cricket in the class with a kid just before the lesson started and one of the odd kids come in and he heard this and he went, ah for Christ's sake still, he said, I bet your balls have got seams around that. I don't know if I'm not bad at it. That was actually quite brilliant. Yeah, over the days of eloquent bullies. But we will come onto that but um I think the opposition is yeah yeah I think that's what I was told yeah good uh no the opposition to it I said there's the official opposite oh I sort of don't swing some the liberal woman because they're sort of they're going

all that at their entire raison d'etre how the reason why we exist is to oppose a no-deal Brexit. That's all we ever want to do. But if it means sitting next to Jeremy Corbyn, then I'm not going that far. I'm not making that. And she was on newsnight and she was on for about 10 minutes. And all she went on about was about how this was put in the Queen in an awkward position. She, and that's reasonable, because of all the things that are going to happen, people

without medicines and vital supplies and had democracy been trampled on. But the main thing is that her majesty had to spend 10 minutes this week googling pro-rogging when she was looking forward to an episode of Pointless. that's the main thing you stupid twat. Oh, is it any bloody wonder that they're getting away with it? You great stupid steaming twat. I just, I think there was quite a cum rier at one point. Oh, I don't know about the bloodbath carbons. Oh, fucking, that just just just vote to stop it that's all you've got to do yes but he don't know that we know but if he doesn't see it in Welsh as well oh no wonder they get away with it all you great useless

wazx all you've got to do is sit together for one minute then go well we're gonna bring this more of them if you add in all Tories, you've said that they would do anything. And I've got a course, as you say, you know, there were three weeks ago. I would gladly Velcro my own children to a barbecue and grill them while adding in extra lighter fuel, rather than have no deal breached it for a minute. Well, yes, but on the other hand, I don't like my children. All they've got to do is vote against it to bring him down. It's not that. That's all they've got to do. This fits her not and vote and no confidence.

Well, on one hand, yes, we could use the tools of democracy to fight this democratic battle. On the other hand, people are calling each other traitor on both sides. The remain voters are calling, you know, the leave voters, traitors to the idea of decency and common sense and the leave voters, according to the main voters, traitors, the idea of England. Never have I seen the word traitors thrown around so much without a guillotine present. I'm just saying, I've said it before, I'll say it again, bring back the murder dome. Maybe tank ball just fight it out like men. Oh, what would happen in the murder dome?

Well, you'd get your two champions, you'd get Boris Johnson with some sort of spiky ball on a stick. Oh, right. And then you'd get Jeremy Corbyn with, I assume, another spiky ball and probably a locally sourced stick. And then they would just fight it out and whoever won, won. Oh, right. What luck in the Mad Max? Heads on a spike on the Tower of London. Okay. I I mean that is in the great tradition of British politics. Heads

on a spike. There's been a whole talk of you know well this is not in in in British traditions. Michael Gove himself. I mean it's a fine British tradition to throw people into a pit of ass and let them get poisoned at it. Well that's before we had got league football to be fair and organised sports. That's how they sorted out the cool laws right? Michael Goe said, I think it will be, this was Michael Goe a while ago talking about the possibility of pro-roguing parliament. I think it will be wrong for many reasons. I think it would not be true to the best traditions of British democracy. That, that, I mean that the first half might be right.

The second half, this is very much in the best traditions of British democracy, which is essentially a lunatic at heart, British, in his kind of contradictory, non-sensical, I mean, we cling to it as, you know, better than the alternatives as Churchill said. I'm just not going to be happy till someone's head is being kicked round the courtyard like Cromwells. He was from East Anglia.

I remember sort of, he's kind of a Cambridgeier. No, he's a Tanglia. Oh nice. Yeah, yeah, he'd be like that. I'm sick of this gang. He's all portrayed by these sort of, you know, Shakespearean actors. Maybe from this many day, Parliament, through all this blood. If you'd rumble to it, if we lose, won't it?

Ken Clark, who was a belief in the same parliamentary intake as Oliver Cromwell, he accused the government. Baron Mone, he is a former Conservative government minister, accused the government of telling blatant lies. And Baron Mann, he's been in politics for decades and he's worked for the tobacco industry. So there's one politician who should be able to spot a blob of bullshit, plopping fully formed from the bullainess

of Borussia and Bumption. It is, it is Ken Claw. Very nice. Sam Jimi said, I have long since gone past the point of focusing primarily on my career. And Sam saying that he's prepared to stand. The thing that rises from that comment is, why were you focusing primarily on your career in the first place?

Isn't that just everything that's wrong with politics? Yes, this is something I think we might have done on the department on Radio 4, 15 years ago. There are anyone who ever expresses an interest in going into politics as the career should instantly be constitutionally barred from doing it? And we can fit that into our constitution. Now there's not been talk, is this unconstitutional? It's quite hard to say, given that over the past thousand plus years that England has existed or Britain, United Kingdom, the closest we've come to writing anything down

was the Magna Carta in 1215. And from the Magna Carta, there are about four clauses remaining, one allowing the city of London to do what the living f*** it wants, one about the etiquette of when you're allowed to waz in rivers and hedges, and one about the right to ignore all of the responsibilities for the duration of a test match. Doing people, if someone has a was in a hedge, and like Michael Gove went past, would he go, well, this is unconstitutional. This is in the front to the very rules and laws upon which a Greek land stands.

I'm sure he would. And then, if on the other hand, five minutes later, then as a huge shit in the middle of St Paul's Cathedral. Well, circumstances of change. I mean, if on the other hand, the head is a homeless person, then he's right on it. You would. That way.

Yes. Just helping the homeless person to grow. But interpreting the British Constitution is basically along the lines of being a harrow specs, looking at the entrails of a slaughtered animal. I mean, you can basically see what you want in it, can't you? And you interpret it, you know, how you want well. I think this lower intestine clearly says that the harvest is going to fail.

Bullshit, Terry, the way that liver splatted onto the ground means that there is incontrovertible evidence that rovers are going to win the FA Cup. You can basically just see anything you want in it. If you want to know how the British Constitution works, I know that a lot of our listeners are not from Britain, just go to a disused courier midnight, belch, and note down what the echo says, basically as much as we've got for a Constitution. What are your statements being skillfully positioning himself as the Jimmy Hendrix of constitutional history? He's doing things. hadn't really realized were possible and will no doubt

spawn a slew of imitators of varying quality but unstoppable loudness. He said that the reason for the pro-rogging was because the government needs to be able to enact a bold and ambitious legislative agenda. And in terms of reasoning, this is like gagging someone and claiming it's to stop their lips from getting sunburned or putting a sore throat for singing too loudly, or to help them with their new diet, or to stop them blurting out details of a surprise birthday party. It's getting better, more reasons for it, more and more persuasive. Yes, yeah, yeah, well, exactly. But I've been in sort of, maybe that's his mistake, is the one mistake his maid is lying about that,

because everything else is really blatant about it, aren't they? Yeah. But let's talk of the queen as well, being put in a difficult position. Essentially, constitutionally, the queen is beholden to issue a year whatever response to anything they ask her to do, but she must be just roiling on the inside. She must be

thinking why did I have to be born in the 20th century? If I've been 200 years old or they'd be on the bloody bonfire. Yeah, I bet she is. I bet you well end off a family like me. Which you'd be doing that to do that, wouldn't they? At one point, shuffle them up to a mental sort of room of bovenatic somewhere in Amsterdam, claim they died a syphilis. Those were the days. Yes, it's, it's, but I'm, I'm actually not entirely pessimistic about it, so you could I think that, I think that just bit by bit there's sort of quite a lot of people are

getting quite cross and and that will come to play out at some point in some way I don't quite know. Tank both, tank both. Yeah yeah yeah. I am starting to think that holding binary referendums and highly divisive issues without properly defining the terms outcomes in advance might be a bit silly with the benefit of hindsight. Well in that case we need another one. I know know I'm in any wind sort of feeling like oh the second referendum will sort it. Well I mean I am in favour of that but it's not going to sort it.

No nothing will sort it. Nothing will sort it. From a time machine or the impending apocalypse which appears to be getting closer by the day. Maybe that's we should embrace it. There's going to be a public information campaign, Michael Gove and remember kids you can't spell Michael Gove without using all the letters in Machiavelli. He sets a launch a £100 million public information campaign with a slogan Get Ready. Apparently to get us all prepared for the eventuality of a no-deal Brexit. And no doubt this news has enthused both the hard bone of Brexit's and graffiti sprang community alike.

It's been funded this £100 million campaign by stealing money from the NHS and letting people die instead. Oh, which is an animal they promised on the side of a bus. Yeah, that's it. Well, let people die. That's what. I mean, they haven't said that for a moment. I mean, they're really doing a favor for everyone

in the democracy. The more people you kill off, the more your vote is worth. Yes, that's true. That's statistics. Especially once you've sort of cut down immigration, so the population goes down and down and down. And yeah, that's a very good point. To think how powerful will all be.

Well, I'm still fast, because a lot of the phoneins, they go, these people go, we'll get through it, it's all a fast we got through the blitz. I don't know I was thinking, yeah but we didn't vote for the blitz. Maybe we did. Maybe no one reads it. We voted for it, go with it. We'll solve it. Look, the bluff faffa, just get all just, but, Cove and Read, it's still rare for anybody. Sit down like, but no one actually reads a full manifesto, do they?

You know who knows what, Neville Chamberlain might have sneaked in there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Alice, you are Southern Hemisphere correspondent. This is a story mostly from the Hemisphere that you hold so dear. Yes, indeed, Andy, in inspiring news for ambitious pyromaniacs, an area nearly one times the size of the Amazon rainforest is on fire. Did you know the Amazon is so big that it could only fit twice into a country the size of whales if you shrank it down to half the size of whales. Today at least 40,000 species, 427 mammal species, 1,300 birds, 378 reptiles more than 400 amphibians, around 3,000 freshwater fish species and 100,000 invertebrate species have been

described by scientists as living in the Amazon. And let's all agree that mostly they're super creepy and gross. Of all, it's a great thing, Andy. I'm happy for these animals to burn. Most of them are weird looking and if they're medicinal or can-securing or really good for you, we've just short circuited a whole hipster health trend.

Imagine if the Amazon had burned down before cafe culture discovered the Asaibol or quinoa via the Oprah Winfrey show. We'd have saved so much stress trying to figure out how to pronounce them. Let's get back to the good old days of medieval England where lunch was a well-balanced lump of cheese, slice of bread with gravel in and a whole raw onion. That's a solution to overpopulation, try eating a whole raw onion for lunch.

Do you, your Australian Prime Minister, do that, doesn't he? Tony, haven't you had a raw onion on television? He took a whole bite, but I'm saying go all the way through. They say the Amazon Basin is the lungs of the earth, which is shocking news, because I didn't know that was a vector for categorizing geography. Which country is the appendix of the earth, Andy? Where is the thigh gap of the earth? Belgium. Belgium. Obviously, we all know where the asshole of the earth is. It doesn't even bear saying.

He doesn't even dare saying. Well, I mean, that's a problem with describing it as the lungs of the lungs of the planet. People will hear that and think, well, you can survive with one lung. And you can get quite a good price for a lung if you sell it to the right. More grandadder, planet, smokes. It's lived to be 400 billion. They're all miking it up. They say that in the Amazon, they're losing a football pitch of forest every minute. But I mean, if these were all being turned into football pitches, it would be fine.

I wouldn't have a problem with it. But they're not. Some people have claimed that the rise in fires is due to the policies of President Bolsonaro or to give him his Brazilian footballer name, Mussolinho. And his chief of staff, Onyx Lorenzoni, real name. That is his genuine name, through some Brazilian shade at Emmanuel Macron, because Macron,

well, the G7 have offered Brazil 18 million pounds, which is not a lot for a G7. And that's the equivalent of one medium caliber squad midfielder in a relegation fighting Premier League football team. It's not as a compromise. But your crystal palace fan. Oh yeah, we could send them Jeffrey Schlauch. There we go. Problem solved, we could put that out. Without ours. I would be laughing if I got the reference. Anyway, boss and our chief of staff have said,

Matt Kron cannot even avoid a predictable fire in a church that is part of the world's heritage, referring to the Notre Dame Cathedral fire, and he wants us to give us lessons for our country. The difference is being that they put that fire out quite quickly. And it was one fire caused by carelessness, not 83,000 fires aggravated by government policy. If 83,000 churches in France were burning down due to a new French government policy to offer tax breaks to people for holding barbecues inside spires, fair enough. Well, that's a thing, Andy. It is coinciding with these regulations. A record number of fires has come hand in hand with this sharp drop in fines for environmental violations, which is a little worrying, given that meanwhile in America Trump is trying to

curtail the regulation of methane emissions. He's like, a man who must be super sick of being told that in some cultures his name means farts. And name means farts. And the physical embodiment of so many hot air jokes, I'm surprised he doesn't explode like the Hindenburg. So he wants to curtail the regulation of methane emissions, which is a move that even the oil and gas companies oppose. And you know you're in trouble when even cannibals are like, no, no, no, thanks for the offer

of a conveyor belt of baby flesh flesh but really I'm watching my way. Yeah but when oil and gas companies think you're not doing enough to protect the environment that's not being elected by Saudi Arabia on journalist welfare issues. Or female welfare issues. Or human welfare issues. Fill in your Saudi Arabia joke or own choice there. Donald Trump rolls back environmental regulations like I have hot dinners, 84 times in two and a half years.

Okay, well, I'm out of the edge. But still, that's a lot of environmental regulations he currently or has already rolled back. He's not too far away, I think, from making compulsory for all American households to buy a 1950s car, park it outside the nearest school and just leave the engine running all day,

otherwise all the Mexicans will come. And it can only be a matter of time before the issue is a government edict forcing all towns to ceremonially spill 50 barrels of toxic chemicals into a nearby river because America used to do it when it was great. Well, look, Andy, maybe he's just trying to fulfill his campaign promises. If America is on fire, maybe the Mexicans won't want to come. There you go, yeah. You're also looking at Alaska for more mining and logging opportunities

under a new policy entitled Who Needs Inuits. And I'm also, I mean, it's got a long term. I saw when we were talking about him looking at Greenland. If global warming keeps going at the current rate, Alaska is basically going to be the new Tuscan. Yeah, we're going to Greenland this year. You've been to Greenland. I've been to Greenland. For reasons that I have no idea what the origins of it are, I've always been really fascinated by Greenland. And they're winn. And was it fascinating? Yeah, it was fantastic.

I went to a place to start with, I went to Kulu Suk, which is this little inuid settlement with about the think the population is 320 and it's just but it's not like a village of 320 because you can't, the next place is Dallysack which you can only get to in the winter or using dog sleds and stuff, and that's about 30 miles. And although you can get a helicopter there, but because most of those people can't afford to, they just see this thing, you might as well be watching a bird, it's not anything that they could ever aspire to even.

And it's just this little settlement, and there's a shop that's open an hour a week, and it's sold, let's sold, boots, washing powder, a couple of CDs by local innuid singers and rifles. All the major food groups. Oh, it was fantastic, fantastic place group go. And I found a cricket match. Because there were some people from Essex were sort of traipsed doing some sort of course or something where they had to go across Greenland on skis or something.

And they had to do something to help out the local people. This was in the much bigger turn of Dalysec. And so they decided to teach the Inuit kids in Disac cricket and they set up a little cricket match. And so I mean, my son went down and we sort of helped out coach in these Inuit kids. And that means within five years, they'll be England. Yeah. Yeah.

Trump was also in the news for allegedly suggesting that we could drop nuclear bombs into the eye of hurricanes to stop the hurricanes. Yes, this was an announcement that made me wonder what really terrible thing he's trying to distract us from now. The suggestion that you could nuke hurricanes implies that he doesn't understand how hurricanes or nukes or wind or nightmares or apocalypsies work. When has nuking anything ever been the answer to anything? I want to read his school math test seven times five equals nukes.

Well, he's denied this story, but obviously no one believes that denial because of who he is. And he denied it and people have understand we were actually saying no, you clearly did suggest New King hurricanes and even if you didn't, if that meeting had gone on eight to ten minutes longer, you definitely wouldn't. Here you are, Mr President, I've run a computer simulation to predict the things that you would suggest might work to stop the hurricane. Faturing in everything you've said and done in your entire life and look, Newkit comes out top. Second, try to bang it up with immigrant children, see if that slows it down, like an overfilled tumble dryer. Third, build a wall around the Atlantic so the hurricanes can't

make it to the USA. Fourth, Newkit, bang it up with immigrants and build a wall around it and fifth, blame Hillary Clinton for it. Well, I feel like this is a little bit of a boy who cried wolf situation if he did indeed not say it because there's so many things that he has said that he said he hasn't said that at this point, you can almost attribute it. It's like Winston Churchill. Yeah, but it does. One marvellous thing about this is that if there is a hurricane that goes through an area where there's a Trump rally instead of all fleeing or seeking shelter They were just all standing a big crowd shout and send it back And And they'll be sort of scattered across the Pacific Ocean

So there's that to look forward to Cricket rendering everything else in the world utterly meaningless news now and well touched on before, England won one of the most dramatic cricket matches in history. I don't think it's really appropriate to talk about the desecration of our democracy, the latest hypersinnical manipulations of our politics, and the attempts to heal the rift in our country by deepening the rift in our country up. What we should be focusing on, and Will Fuggle now, is one of the greatest cricketing victories ever achieved, therefore one of the defining moments in the history of humanity and a new entrance to the top 10 greatest things in human civilization ever mark it was

it was an incredible game for those who didn't follow it it started with Australia being bowed out for 180 then England all out for 67 and keeping Australia to a moderate score but the target was 359 to win. Which in itself is even from a starting point is unusually very, very, very unlikely, especially in a game like that. Yeah, and then so England lost a couple of early wickets, and this might mean absolutely nothing

to some of our listeners, but just bear with us. Then recovered, then had another collapse, and it ended up with, with Australian needing one further wicket, England needing around about 80 more runs, and Ben Stokes, the man who was one of the key figures in the World Cup finals, we talked about a few weeks ago, at the crease. So, yeah, that's the sort of, I don't know, it's hard to sort of think

if you were to apply it to another game that you sort of might know, I mean, what would it be like? Would it be like being 4-0 down with 3 minutes to go or something? It's probably not far from that. And it, but then, you know, all sport is about subplots. So Ben Stokes a couple of years ago was arrested for thumping someone outside a nightclub and was only a year ago, the court case, he was found not guilty and so on. And then the guy at the other end, Jacklee, so if you don't know cricket, it means you don't, want the same person, doesn't face all the bowling. So you've got to manipulate. He's got so many things to think about. It's extraordinary. A be-lite, I suppose, because he's got to Ben Stokes

as each at the end of each six balls. He's got to get himself up the other end, which is extraordinarily difficult. They're all stomping and doing that. And the guy at the other end looks like a library. And he's got these glasses, and he was taking them off to wipe them. So it was all the subplots and Stokes when

The librarian was facing the bowling some of the best bowling in the world Stokes literally couldn't look which was it draw the drama of that He was literally sat on his honges and face the other way and It was just so it's got so many things to think about And it was just so, it's got so many things to think about, how to get these runs so quickly out to get the ball over the top of everybody into the crowd, over and over. I suppose in Merrickmore it would be the equivalent of, I've got eight home runs in the next, it's probably like that, isn't it? And that they're all around the boundary. It's so many things to think about, I'd be like if a golfer came up the 18th fairway,

not only having to get a hole in one, but he also had to unify the laws of physics as he was doing it. So the Middle East crosses. Yeah, and make a cake. I got one bake off. It was just... OK, now explain it to me with a ballet analogy. It was like... Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 19 stone postman did a back flip

Literally, I'd paid a watch that and the stage was full of Randy rhinoceros as well. We try to stop them doing it. So it was windy ashes So then the rhinoceros ashes Sorry to interrupt you Andy. Don't you have an entire other podcast for this? Yeah, I'm with crickers Yes, yeah, that that will be out, we're calling it on Monday, hopefully people with Filesty Ward and we're going to further detail. I'm not going to do all the stats here, Alice. Okay, that's another four hours worth. So if you took this match and turned it into a metaphor,

how many times would it fit into Wales? Seven. Yeah, it's a big metaphor. Well, I think, this is what I was thinking. I think what Stokes did was he bent the will of everyone involved around himself. He just looked so dominant. He looked like, I am going to do this,

and no one is going to stop me. And I think that that actually completely, if that's why Nathan Lion drawkler, that's why they couldn't, they didn't know where they were, their minds were adult, it was actually really fascinating psychologically because you know that you've got all of the, the bowlers kept making the most simple mistakes because they're in a situation where they go, I don't know what to do with him, I don't know, they bowl a perfectly good ball and he plays the most outrageous shot and wax it over his head for six. And they literally didn't know what to do.

So then they, when they were facing bowling to Jack Leach, who was the, the, the weaker batsman, then they would deliberate, they would just bowl a ball that was just stupid because their minds were completely gone. And I think even the umpire, I think he was like, what do I do? I don't know what I do.

I've never seen anything like this. And I don't know, you think, well, I think he didn't want to spoil it. I think he did. He'd get on a spoil it. Somehow deep down, psychologically, Stokes was so extraordinary that he just bent everything around him, like a huge planet does the space.

Isn't it? And I love him. Isn't it great that someone who's that strategically powerful and emotionally influential is putting all of his energy into this particular game. Yes, thank the Lord, people like that, don't turn their abilities and their levels of determination to other matters such as taking countries out of your economic blocs. such as taking countries out of your economic blocs.

Anyway, it was quite extraordinary, England, snatching victory from the duodenum of defeat, helped by Australia, I'm lacking the shit out of themselves. But it just goes to show what we can achieve as a nation, just like the World Cup Final, what we can achieve as a nation with considerable help from immigrants, and stocks born in New Zealand,

to offer our different part paidate, two key players. Still, it didn't break it fun. Well, I think that Stokes, as a result of that, should now be legally entitled to punch you ever again, once a day for a year, and if he chose me, it would be an honour. would be an honour. What that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Thanks to everyone who came to see my show and Alice's show and all the other Bugle co-hosts shows in Edinburgh and the Bugle live shows and a few of you who made it down to political animal. No doubt some will all of us will be back. Next year there are a couple of bugle shows to alert you to this Sunday,

if you are listening to this in time. There is the Bugle Guilty Feminist crossover show, The Feminist Bugle at King's Place. Guilty Bugle, as I'm liking to call it. That is Sunday, the first of September in October. We have a couple of shows Glasgow on the 7th of October, and Newcastle on the 8th, the live bugle shows at the Stand Comedy Clubs. Alice? Yes, I have a big show in Melbourne on the 10th of September at the Malt House Theatre.

It is, I can't reveal the details yet, but it is for a large streaming service that may or may not be on fire. So please do come for that. It's a massive theatre, it's like a 600-seat theatre, so if you're a bugle or if you like my work, please come. Tenth of September, Moldhouse Theatre in Melbourne, it'll be good. Mark, do you want to eat any show tonight? Oh yes, I'm doing the Hackney Empire, so it seems a little bit after Melbourne. But yeah, the Hackney Empire will October the 15th, you come up with it. I'm also doing a crossover podcast with Nigel Farage. Uh, about fishing. Well, I would pay good money to see that. And so you who ends up with a bottom of the pond.

Thank you very much for listening, Budalus. Until next time, goodbye. Bye. To play you out, here are some more lies about our premium level subscribers. To join them, go to thebugelpodcast.com and click the donate button. You can choose one of our ready made packages or just contribute whatever you want on a recurring or one off basis. Thank you to everyone who has contributed so far, and here are some lies about something. Tom Bowling or Bowling, let's say Bowling, thinks the number of mirrors manufactured and

bought each year is completely out of proportion with the number of meduters at large in the world these days. Seth Carben is ironically made in large part of Carben, but nevertheless is not a fan of the celebrity element. He prefers less high-profile elements such as potassium, bismuth and above all antimony. AJ Wells has lost count of the number of times people have called asking how much it would cost to install a well in their garden, and whether there was a choice of water or oil. Simon Harding tried to set up a business as a freelance profit, but resigned after his first prophecy failed to come true. He'd foretold that his next door neighbour's cat would win a prize at a local pet show.

In fact, the cat came last, and was described as a bit mangy by one of the judges. Jack Tonkin thinks that if the word gozzling refers to a baby goose, then a tiny Christmas tree should be called a sprozzling and a small French grapefruit, a pomple-mozzling. Frank Sterling tried to swim upstream in a river to see what it is like to be a salmon. Sadly, he ended up in a secret government research facility where they're trying to breed giant attack toads for future conflicts. Nebiltia Rania thinks that scampering should be an Olympic sport, probably in pursuit of a train involving carrying some baggage and possibly an umbrella. Why don't Olympic sports reflect the realities of life

wonders Nebilt, who is once fired from a restaurant job for discathrowing a plate of prawns over a customer's head into a chandelier. Frederick Wayman the other day found himself absolutely strumming a potato in a supermarket, as if it wasn't oddly round and lumpy guitar. When asked what he was doing, he claimed to be practicing for his new root vegetable-themed blues tribute act, Spuddy Guy. Amit Gantt, he does not like it when buskers use amplifiers, so keeps a supply of extra large coins the size of dinner plates that he ostentatiously drops into the busker's

collection receptacleacle while shouting, I've never heard anyone play stairway to heaven so beautifully through a loud hailer. Jason Burg is frankly tired of explaining to casual acquaintances that, unlike other Burgs, you can see all of him. It is simply not the case that 90% of him is in fact hidden underground. Laura Swartz thinks the year 2020 should be postponed. I don't think the world is ready for it yet, says Laura. We should go back to 2010 and have another crack at the whole decade.

Tom begly however, disagrees and says we should instead skip 2020 and go straight to 2021, see how things have panned out and then do 2020 afterwards, having learned from the mistakes we will have delayed making. Both Laura and Tom acknowledge there are significant logistical issues involved in their proposals. And finally Tom, another Tom, not the extra producer, found that he drank considerably less milk when he labelled all his milk cartons with big stickers saying, poison. He rationalised it by arguing to himself that if you drank milk non-stop for three to four hours, you would probably die, making it tall and

tense and purposes as good as poison. Here end if the lies. three to four hours, you would probably die, making it tall and tense and purposes as good as poison. Here end if the lies.