The Bugle - Bugle 4121* WTF is going on?

Episode Date: September 10, 2019

Andy invites Aditi Mittal and Tom Ballard to the studio where Britain's insane political situation prompts the titular question. Elsewhere, Roosters rouse, Space is explored and dictators die.https://twitter.com/hellobuglershttps://twitter.com/awryaditihttps://twitter.com/TomCBallard Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Buglers! It is Friday, the 6th of September,

and welcome to issue 4,121 of the bugle. Audio newspaper for a world of arguably counterproductive visualness. Now, what's that you're saying? What do you mean issue 4,121? What happened to issue 4,120? Not to mention issues 294 to 4,000. What do you mean?

Obviously, those 3,000 are missing episodes. We're recorded in the mixture of the future and the past after we slipped through a ferret hole in the space time continuing and found ourselves simultaneously in the years 3000 BC and 3000 AD or whatever you like to call your years these days. Issue 4,120 by contrast. We have already recorded last Sunday's

guilty feminist bugle crossover live show, but that's not going out until next week. So this is now next week's show brought forward to this week, but covering this week's news as if it had happened this week, which it has rather than this week's news as if it a week had already passed, which it hasn't or next week's news, which may now may or may not happen as if it's already happened, which it hasn't, depending on when you're listening to this, which, in my case, it's for Rogue the Bugle. It's for Rogue the Bugle. Anyway, the point is, hello.

Hello, Buglers. We hear again. It's Friday the 6th of September. I'm Andy Zoltzman, no arguments. And we are here in London, old Squabble Town UK itself. Joining me today to provide some cold-eyed, objective perspective on behalf of the rest of the world on what the f*** is going on Here in Britain. I'm joined by Aditi, Middell and Tom Ballard

Well, we will discuss the question of what the f*** is going on in slightly more detail Although we will not find an answer to it because there is no answer to it It's the 6th of September on this this day, in the year 1642, the English Parliament banned stage plays. I've only had to start with that, whatever. Much more grown up world. It's you to quote, Lysivius Muth and Levity, which by coincidence was the stage name of my old double act with

John Oliver. Other things banned, of course, during the English Civil War and the subsequent cromwellian social austerity included fun, Christmas, mooning, sniggering, slapstick and computer games way ahead of his time. On this day in 1847, Henry David Thoreau completed his two-year experiment in simple living in Walden Woods, Massachusetts, from which the book Walden emerged. He spent two years, two months and two days in and around a special shed in the woods, doing things like not very much very little and absolutely subtle. That's what you do now, the John's left the devil. He put the most British thing in the world, and he wrote a book about it.

But he was American, in America. But it was very British, yeah. At this time when there's still some relics of British ability to sit around doing nothing for days at a time. But there used to be very British, really. Yeah, anyway. Unless everybody's sitting around doing nothing, let's just check the test match score. Okay.

Thoreau wrote about his experience of this simple living, introspective lifestyle. And I'm bearing in mind that today's world is 25, let's put this in perspective, what he did, this two years, two months, two days on his own in the woods. Today's world is exactly scientists approved 25,000 times more hectic than the 1840s. So his period of solitude to put into some kind of perspective that we can understand is the equivalent today of being without your mobile for 45 and a half minutes. That is that is some sacrifices. Oh my god. Do you think it will move to a point where we become fully hectic and heading towards the society? I think I don't know when full peak hectic will occur and the whole

global market will collapse and we'll end up living in caves again waiting for dinosaurs. global market, or collapse, and we'll end up living in caves again waiting for dinosaurs. Would it be going backwards or forwards? Thoreau, rather graphic descriptions of amongst other things, red ants and black ants fighting to the death in his diary, in a gruesome festival of dismemberment and decapitation, which shows that even in the most solitude in the situation, humans will inevitably tune into some kind of competitive sport. And he did, I believe, end up chanting, go black ants rip their heads off red scum. We hate red ants. A few quotes from a thorough. I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time, to be in company, even with the best, is soon worrisome and disabating.

Well, my guests for today, what are you thinking about? Sounds like what I say, I've been dating as it looked at for a couple of years. Like now, I'm actually happy like this. Right now, it's today that answers black answers. Yeah. He also said this, I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it alter myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion.

And to be honest, I mean, eh, that sounds a bit pervy. And be, if you're sitting on a pumpkin, the chances are people will probably give you a wide belt. A lot of space, and you will have it all to yourself. And he also said rather than love, rather than money, rather than fame, give me truth. Which words I think I said to an audience that the Manchester comedy store had a gig some years ago and the truth they gave me was very much get off your shit As always the section of the people is going straight in the bin and this week in the bin Robert McGalby In the bin he's in the cosmic bin Robert McGalby is now Robert McGalb was McGarb was. The former's in Barby and president described in some reports as a strong man, which is a polite term for psychopath in high office, has popped his dictatorial clogs.

Robert McGarby, a man who took the first syllables of his name very seriously indeed, died at the age of 95 and there's been a lot of people calling for a f***ing ulogy for Robert McGarby for a new abugalistner's of the f***ing ulogy was a term created by John Oliver in the aftermath of the death of a summer bin Laden as a means of bidding farewell to some of the planet's biggest f***ing. And I think McGarby is unquestionably qualified. I think he qualifies for a f***ing urology. Please, he men. Thirty-time winner of the best Napoleon imitator award from the George Orwells Animal Farm Appreciation Society, and that is a hotly contested title fair play to the kid. McGarby might of course have been remembered as a hero who

threw off the racist shackles of the Imperial era. Had it not been for the whole, eviscerating his own company economically and politically electoral fraud, brutal repression, corruption, incompetence, letting AIDS victims die, force relocations of hundreds of thousands of people, ethnic cleansing, general or Anturany, beating up and or killing his political opponents and a moustache that unashamedly showcased his leadership style on his upper lip, apart from that.

He could have had a different legacy. Well, you can nitpick it all these things, Andy, but no one's perfect. No, but frankly, yeah, I would rather be oppressed by my own, than be oppressed by an outsider. And so I see where he's coming from. I see where he's coming from. He also ruins in Barway and Cricket as well, which I'm... I'm forgetful. He's greatest crime.

Let history be the judge of that, Tom. A revolutionary, turned-to-tator, classic, career-switch that's as old as politics itself. He was finally ousted from office in a 2017 ousting since when he failed to land another job, despite his impressive CV as a despot, and that was despite reported interest from Hungary and Manchester United when Jose Marena left. But it's a lesson to us all. The life of Robert McGarby, when someone tells you it's really time for you to do something with your life, that is not always good advice. Let's have. There's one thing we learn from the life of McGarby, more layabouts.

My fondest McGarby memory is... Oh, God. How many times have you had that? I mean, you know, it's like, can you pick one? My friend texted me once saying, hey, tell me you're going out tonight, and I want to text back maybe, but I must have hit wrong buttons, and my text just went with Maggarby. Maggarby, I will, Maggarby, I won't. Oh, that's a dilemma. We, I knew him in school.

We learnt the whole like, I'm a little despot shock and stuff. We did that together and so I've really found memories of him as well. I think there's a similar thing to the or story, Tom and the original version of the Carly Ray Jepzons on Call Me Maybe was originally called the Garvey. I didn't know that, that's the same thing. Didn't like the gaze, Megabbie? Not a huge fan, no. Describe her homosexuality as a filthy, filthy disease, comments echoed by one Andy Zoltzman

on every episode of his podcast that I've ever appeared on. Andy claimed that if Zimbabwe tolerated homosexuality, the dead would rise up against us. Well, now's your chance, Bobby! I'm catching a flight to Harari. I've got to start bumming my way across the country. Come and get me your dead f***. You know, he's been remembered by a lot of people who are in their 60s as someone who sort of eviscerated their pensions and destroyed their incomes and then allowed them to retire. And then there are 25-year-olds who are like, you know,

but the guy that came after him was much worse. So we kind of miss him, which is just so damn millennial. They all want, you know, remember the time when we used to shoot in chamber pots? Because these modern toilets are too much. We're very good at instant nostalgia millennials, I think. So Robert McGarby is in the bin. Top story this week. Oh, for fuck's like Britain, is this all we've got? I would like to give you a quick summary of everything that has happened in British politics in the last seven days, but that would not be possible or indeed desirable for anyone

who wishes to be able to face the day with any sense of optimism or hope. It has been an utterly crazy week of parliamentary shenanigans of people wanting elections, not wanting elections, people resigning, being turfed out, crossing sides, Boris Johnson's brother quitting. And Boris Johnson himself saying some truly extraordinary things as he tends to. It's hard to say exactly what the situation is now, because I've not checked for the last minute and a half, and also you're not going to be listening to this until about at least 24 hours after we record it. So, frankly, who knows, we might be a small province of Iceland by tomorrow. We just don't know. But Boris Johnson was asked

at a question after giving a speech in front of a load of police officers who apparently had not been told they were going to be used as a backdrop for some political grandstanding. I mean, it's not the least kind of, in terms of visuals, standing in front of a lot of people in uniform giving a political speech. I mean, it's not, you know, it's not Nuremberg, but it's Megabbi-esque. Megabbi had best. Particularly in a non-consensual setting, but I mean, it was a bizarre speech

in which he kind of rambled in, coming in for a bit. And then he was asked whether he would delay Brexit. And he said, I'd rather be dead in a ditch than delay Brexit. Now, I have a number of issues with this. One, it's obviously not true. Two, yeah, I mean, it is his life. I'm not going to tell him how to live it, or not to live it.

Three, this is typical Boris Johnson. You know, just anything to get on the television. You know, his own corpse in a ditch. You can just imagine a conversation. Dominic Cummings whispering in his ear, Prime Minister, I've got another plan to make sure we control the news agenda for the next 48 hours. Do tell Dominic, you know how people are weirdly obsessed with unsolved crimes?

Yeah. Yeah. Dead in a ditch or delay Brexit, even in this world of unnecessary binary choices are those the only two options? Where's that referendum? Put that to the people. Should we delay Brexit or kill Boris Johnson, dump him into a ditch, ditch or delay? Now I am campaigning for the ditch vote. I know it's a complex question with a binary choice

But I just think that making Boris Johnson dead and putting him in a ditch is what we need to do to take our country back He's putting the question to the people. He's cambering it. Okay, he's bringing his options That's right. He's just floating the idea to see how it plays in the polls and then we'll see do we want him dead I mean, I don't want Boris Johnson dead in a ditch. I want him alive in a ditch permanently Like the troll he essentially I mean, I think you know, we'll keep him humanely fed and sheltered and alive but in a ditch Ironically, of course, you know, he says he wants to be dead in a ditch We wouldn't be dead in a ditch for very long so it's kind of pointless because people who are dead in ditches tend to get removed from ditches on health and

safety grounds thank you bruttles just but out there our prime minister's choose to be to be decomposing in a dip if they want to and it's a couple minutes typical Boris Johnson isn't it just you know wanting to get the newspaper headlines prime minister found dead in a ditch police respect overdose of Brexit and all. And it's classic, classic Boris Johnson, it would be harrowing for his family, other people would have to clean up his mess.

Classic. And also one final thing, why a ditch? Why not? Where is the patriotism in that? Everywhere has ditches. One a good Anglo-Saxon barrow. Oh. You know, Anglo-Saxon burial mound, proper British barrow.

I'm starting to think he's not the real patriot he claims he is. And where is his hinge? This makes so much sense. Yeah. You know my favourite thing about that, when he was using, when he was doing that speech in front of the police, was how one of the cops nearly fainted.

Oh, yes. And I was like, I think she fainted because she was like, oh my god, it's an option. But if they'd be dead in a ditch, I think she had one of those joyful swoons, you know. What? It's also possible that she was just, you know, took it upon herself to be a metaphor

for Britain as a whole, as the Prime Minister stood there and proceeded to talk as lucidly as a turd in an engine. Um. as the Prime Minister stood there and proceeded to talk as lucidly as a turd in an engine. So Edith, you were saying to me before we started recording that you've been trying to understand British politics. Yeah. And how's that gone? Um, not very well. Right. The only thing I've understood so far is that Boris Johnson seems like an Instagram influencer? Like he comes live and then he says nothing and then he sort of sends these like Massive sort of mandates, but he's like I would rather be dead in a ditch and people Are not like yeah, okay go die in a ditch It's mind-boggling that people are not like yeah, I should go ahead. Give yourself in a ditch

So that's that's kind of what I've understood so far. I've seen Jacob Reece Smog, which sounds like the scientific name for like a swamp insect. And he looks like a human straw, which is kind of like empty on the inside. I don't understand what happened. What was happening in that discussion? Were they not discussing the die part of do or die?

That he was sprawled out like one of his French girls to be drawn like what was going on? It was truly extraordinary. For those who've not seen it, it is worth looking at. Him lounging across the seats of the House of Commons as Parliament fretted and frothed about the defining issue of the times, the country tearing itself apart under

this unbridgeable chasm that was chiseled open by Jacob Riesmog and people like him. He was lounging across the seats like some pre-Raffer light. Lovely. As if to say, I will never find myself sexier than I do now. And he had a full, raging, whole-body stonk on for himself, I think, at that point. And there was outrage. The most British thing, even amongst all the horrors, the economic crash that will result as a no-deal Brexit, people still found the time to be outraged about slouching and not having proper f***ing posture, the House of Covans. Slouching in the House of Covans was actually punishable by death right up until 1964. The only exception for that rule was in the House of Lords, where, of course,

the curvature of the spine is very common due to the inbreeding. So they do let them off. They did have to kill there. But in House of Covans, if you weren't that pushing your shoulders back, you were dead, mate. A brutal start. Right, so Jacob Riesmog, father of various children, including daughters and Acron Easter and Hereditor, sons, billiards and pompous. Also compared a doctor, a very eminent NHS doctor, who'd warned about the dangers of medicine shortages

in the event of a no-deal break-sition, with another doctor who had, in danger, the lives of thousands, hundreds of thousands of children by lying about vaccinations, which is the equivalent of comparing a mechanic who's warning that you might want to have new breakpads on your car with someone who has just cut the break cables on your car.

They both have something to do with you having a car crash, but they don't make them morally equal. Some people are jumping ship. Boris Johnson's brother, Joe Johnson, is out. I'm confused. I don't know whether I find Joe Johnson attractive, because I see photos of it, and I think, oh, hello, but I think that's just my brain who's so used to seeing Boris Johnson, who looks like a hairy totale, and that it sees Joe Johnson and thinks, gosh, there's been a real improvement here. Like, it's so much better than the others. I think Boris Johnson sees Joe Johnson and thinks, gosh, there's been a real improvement here. Like it's so much better than the others. I think Boris Johnson is Joe Johnson's

Dorian Gray painting. That's how I've described it. But I asked about the departure of his brother, the prime minister said, look, people disagree about the EU. The way to unite the country, I'm afraid, is to get this thing done. Now, I'm not sure if that was one continuous sentence

or whether just halfway through, he let out a moment of terrified honesty. So I'd be more like, the way to unite the country, I'm not sure if that was one continuous sentence or whether just halfway through he let out a moment of terrified honesty. So be more like, the way to unite the country, I'm afraid! Oh God, I'm afraid! Is to get this thing done. This is a funny tone of voice. Yeah, it's all in the tone.

I've just read it in the text, and it works. You unite the country, surely we can agree at this point that however Brexit happens, it's not going to unite the country. No. Like, say we did it to get Brexit done to unite the country, it Like, say we did it, Brexit doesn't unite the country,

it's like say we did it get more tanks on the street to help everyone chill out a bit more. I think the only way that it could result in the United in the country is, if we accept that Britain is currently sort of sliced into various bits, is that it will essentially liquidize Britain like a, like a neutriblast. And it will come together as some sort of national milkshake.

I don't know. I mean, it's probably be shout out, possibly. I mean, Rathesh, let's not take that metaphor too far. Joe Johnson said there was an unresolvable tension between family bonds and his loyalty to Boris Johnson against a national interest. Boris Johnson himself made that call long ago and put the loyalty to Boris Johnson against a national interest, Boris Johnson himself made that call long ago and put loyalty to Boris Johnson ahead of everything else. A number of people have tweeted an email about calling Boris Johnson Boris rather than Johnson, as it's sort of over familiar. I know this irritates a lot of people, and it's kind of difficult when there's other Johnson's involved. So from now on I will endeavour to call Boris by his correct name which is of Dominic.

I have to admit though that my favourite thing about this entire Brexit thing is the weakening of the pound or the pounding of the pound, whatever. Because what a joy, what a joy. I used to worry about exchange rates all the time. And now I whip out my debit card. And I use it to buy the depression medication that I need to deal with the state of the world. So thank you. That is one upside. One downside is I don't think I can get a refund on my visa.

Is it possible to like exchange that already thing or pretty much suck with that? Yeah, I'm afraid, I'm afraid not. I think we are probably at some point going to go back to an old-fashioned pig-based barter in the economy. I think it's really what made Britain great in the first place. There were mass defections, as you said Tom. not so much defections, as it expulsions, as well. There was a glorious moment when Philip Lee, the Tory MP, left the Conservative party, five seconds after Boris Johnson had stood up in the House of Commons to start talking in the Brexit debate this week. And you just saw on the TV coverage Boris Johnson's eyes just drifting drifting to the right as he saw his parliamentary majority of one walking

across the chamber to to just sit on the Liberal Democrat bench like a naughty ice hockey black. That's quite a heck of a lot of walkouts about comedy shows, but I haven't seen them walking to like Daniel Kitson next door and say, I prefer this. Man, he has brought this upon himself by being provocatively divided within his own party. And as Machiavellian self-wrote, if you put your cock on a barbecue,

someone will think it's a sausage. He is mostly sacked. They sack 21 of their own MPs. With this majority now of minus one, they then SACT 21 more, but removed the parliamentary whip. And now, if you don't know what parliamentary whips are, well, frankly, congratulations. Try and maintain that ignorance

because it is one of the more baffling elements of politics. Does it have something to do with parliamentary BDSM? I think it is something very much along though. I mean, basically that is what democracy is. LAUGHTER And it's just a question of who has the wit and who has the change. Brexit is Britain saying, Tamiya, for spec me, Daddy.

For spec me hard. Yes, unfortunately, we've forgotten the safe word. LAUGHTER And those electrodes on your balls are firing like crazy. Oh, just have to take your word for that Tom. So they sack 21 Torian, peace devoted against the government in the debate on basically controlling the legislative agenda

in this pro-roguing of Parliament. 21ing, including many former cabinet ministers, bull walks of the Conservative Party over decades and decades for the crime of not voting with the government. Now this crime, of course, when Theresa May was prime minister, was committed by basically everyone who is now in a position of high authority in the cabinet. Now, we might not have a manufacturing sector

anymore in Britain, but we can shit a hundred megatons of hypocrisy from Brexit. There's been so many defections. This week the British Parliament has had more defects than a household appliance manufactured outside the Reach of EU regulations. I'd say. Lucy Annaburger left the Labour Party back in February. She believed the party was institutionally anti-Semitic. She joined Change UK. She has now joined the Liberal Democrats, a party so committed to anti-racism and found as they accepted former Tory MP Philip Lee, a man who once campaigned against immigrants

who are HIV positive from being able to enter Britain. So it's kind of like quitting radiohead because you think the band's become a bit too self-indulgent. Then a couple of months later joining a supergroup composed of Bono, Björk and Shiala Buf. Now, despite all this, you would have thought with the government in such complete disarray and the contusion about whether there's going to be this election or not, that the government would be in real trouble. But the Conservatives are 10 points ahead of Labour in the opinion polls.

The Conservatives are doing shittly in the opinion polls. They ran about, I think, 32-33 percent, but nowhere near as shittly as Labour, whom Jeremy Corbyn has driven slowly into some kind of industrial deep freeze. The Liberal Democrats are doing less shittly than normal, but still quite shittly. And of course, with the first past the post system, they, the Brexit party and the Greens can do as well as they like, but they still won't get many seats in Parliament, because well, what was the Brexit party and the Greens can do as well as they like, but they still won't get many seats in Parliament because well what was right for Britain in the 18th century must be right for Britain now. So we are in this utterly unfathomable situation where the government is falling apart but is still in quite a strong position

to win an election. There's huge opposition to the government but it's fragmented in this kind of collider scope of slightly different positions and There is no good way out of this now Corbin has been banging on for election for ages saying bring on election bring on election is now like actually hold hold my election If that's cool. Yes. Oh, God. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm sure it's like that. You know when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins are sitting in that rocket They might have thought, let me just give it a few more minutes. Just in case it goes badly. Let me rehearse this line again. I'd hate to screw it up, but I learned. Who will we turn to for advice in these troubled times, Andy? Like, you want somebody smart, like a powerful commentator who's

knowledgeable about the way the world works? Well, I imagine you probably want to turn to former Australian cricket legend Shane Walker. Shane Walker, exactly. Yeah. Well, I imagine you probably want to turn to former Australian cricket legend Shane Warwick. Shane Warwick. Yeah, absolutely. Shane Warwick. That's what it's found of all truth. Yeah. He's weighed in.

Normally, I would think that would be so ridiculous to ask a cricketer that they're picking on a complex political situation. But at this point in Brexit, I'm like, f*** it. Why not? OK. Warne's brain is so adult with alcohol and sexting

and hairline treatments. Maybe he'll be able to solve it all with some lateral thinking. His brain might be bolder differently. He was asked what he thinks about the whole thing. He's telling Britain to just get on with it, which is a very hot take. I don't know what else to come up with that. So thank you, Warty. He did say Boris is good. Everyone's great. Get on with it. And I love that. Everyone's great, but Boris is just good. If Boris is so shit as a human being, he's not even included in the term everyone. I think he's a pretty sick bird from morning.

I mean, there are certain subjects you should listen to Shane Warren on the art of legspin bowling. He's excellent insight from the greatest exponent of cricket's most difficult skill. Also, can be very informative on the game, Pastor Pigs, of which he is a vocal fan, judging from certain excerpts of his cricket comes in. He only talks about the game,

Pastor Pigs, for a good 15 minutes, one time, and it is unquestionably a terrific game. It's great, yeah. Wait, so you all have three years, and then this guy came up with Get On With It? Yes, yeah. This is advice that could have come three years ago. I would have changed the course of democracy. Well, to be honest, the great problem is not been you know

The suggestion of getting on with it. It's just that no one knows what it is We need a follow-up interview with Warley. Yes, and it is a phrase generally used by people who've not really thought through what it is or what it will result in so it is or what it will result in. So... Law and news now, a DTU are the Bugles' legal correspondent. There's been some sensational court case in France. Quite a no in the way. I studied law for six years. Before I dropped out of the DIT comedy. No, you go on.

I mean, as a woman, and especially as an Indian woman on the internet, this is a subject I'm an expert on. That's right, Cox. Couple in rural France took a cock named Maurice and his owner, Corinne, to court because this cock was growing and not cocking, I guess, at 6.30 every morning. And therefore, ruining what is their rural country holiday

experience, having said that, this cock has won the case, which is normally the case with most cocks. And the couple was ordered to pay this cock 1,000 euros, which is there is nothing worse than a cock, more than a rich cock. Yeah. Because you would have thought in that case that I've been asked to pay a poultry sum

And it's been a really tough week politically and like just as a human in this country and I feel like we don't need to further the pain Fathers the pain. What do you say feathers the pain? No, I didn't know I wouldn't say that and I never would and you deliberately misheard me actually There hasn't been this much drama around a French cock since Louis the 14th. Hey! This? The court are very essentially cocking a snook at this couple and they're complained.

Declaring the animal noises are a part of France's heritage which also explains Draftfbunks latest album. Um... But a cock that grows at 6.30 in the morning? Could this be a French cock? That's woke. That's my art. That's my report art. Thank you so much, Inchangman. Kukurukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukuk Indian moon landing news now.

I think you are an Indian space correspondent. God damn it. As an Indian woman on the internet, this is a subject of my expertise. Unsolicited dick. No, wait, sorry. Wrong expertise. Damn it. Damn it.

India is going to buy a 255 AM this morning, depending on when you're listening to this podcast. There will be Vikram on the surface of the moon tonight. Chandrayan too, which has left India's orbit a week ago, has sort of dropped off its lunar module onto the surface. This will be the first human space thingy. As I mean, clearly as the ex- Come on, give me this correspondence, Corp. I'm sorry, but if you don't know the real terms,

Tom, it's human space thingy. But there's no humans on it, are there? That's a human-made space. A human-made space thing, all right, yeah. That's the space thing. But there's no humans on it, are there? It's a human-made space. A human-made space thing, all right? That's the correct term. I apologize. I apologize. My degree in human space thingy's confines me. Sometimes that will be landing closest to the South Pole off the moon. So we're attempting a sort of reverse cowgirl on the surface of the moon.

So one of the greatest things that I, it's right now, they're gonna be watching it live as it descends on the surface of the moon. The Prime Minister is gonna be watching it with a bunch of school kids at one in the night, which I don't know what he's doing with all these kids awake at one in the night. Having said that, one of the most delightful things about this

is that today, 30 days of the siege into Kashmir, where we don't know what's happening in Kashmir, but we can watch live footage of the moon. So, I was reading that the Indian moon rover will moonwalk at a speed of one centimeter per minute, and this is the same speed managed by humans on a crowded Mumbai station platform. And the area is landing. The temperature can veer between a thousand Celsius when the sun shines and minus 170 Celsius, which is the same as in Britain, if I'm winging about the weather as any guy.

Apparently there's two, there's an orbiter and a rover and a lander and they're going to... they're going to take selfies. This f***ing millennial spacecraft. I think that's how human species think he's worth. Right, okay, okay, that's the human element. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Do tune in next week when we will have last week's bugle. And depending on what happens in Britain, we may have next week's bugle next week as well. So we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, also exciting tennis, Serena Williams, age 38 is playing Bianca Andrescu and 19 year old Canadian. I think this is the biggest age gap in a Grand Slam tennis final for, let's call it in layman's terms, a f*** of a long time. And well from Australian point of view, if Serena Williams wins, she will equal Margaret Corts record of most Grand Slam wins, I think is 24. And the big question is can Serena A equal Margaret Corks record and B do it without then becoming a religious fundamentalist who hates guys. That's the big challenge for Serena. I believe it is

Serena. I think you can probably pull off both of those. Yeah. Good luck. Margaret Corks. Did the first half were right. On the cricket, do tune into the Irn Believerble podcast. Can you tune into a podcast? I think the top tune into it. It just seems sort of the right term to use. That I do with Felicity Ward about the ashes this year. So I banged on about cricket too much on the bugle last week.

Do listen to Irn Belieievable as the series comes towards its thrilling conclusion. A couple of gigs to alert you to Alice Fraser. Bugle co-host extraordinaire is recording Savage, her brilliant stand-up show on the 10th September at the Malt House Theatre in Melbourne, Australia. Tiff Stevensson has a show at the Union Hall in New York on the 14th of September. And there are bugle live shows in Glasgow and Newcastle on the 7th and 8th of October. Do go to all of those but don't fly there because it's bad for the environment just run very fast. Aditi, do you have any shows to plug? 9th through 14th of September I am performing at Soho Theatre and on the 13th there will be a special

recording for an online platform and so please come by ticket's are available on the internet. Tom, anything to plug? Well this comes out on Saturday tonight I have my final night at the Soho Theatre of my show enough and then I'm just around. Just hang around. Just find Tom on a bench. Who books that, actually? I'll put it on. I know. I know some people. You know what I think.

And I will be back as I were a theatre with my annual end of year and his ultramarines of the Certifiable History Show in December and January details forthcoming. Thank you very much for listening to meueglers, do enjoy the spectacular sights of Britain tearing itself, lymphromly, over the next few days. I'm going to be back next week. Until then, we will play you out with some more lies

from our premium voluntary subscribers to join them to contribute whatever you want to the Buegl on a one-off or recurring basis. Go to theBueglPodcast.com and click the donate button. It's now time for the lies. John Forrester frequently wonders if there is any more tragic creature in the universe than the ambitious goldfish. I mean, just imagine. Nicola Lawson thinks that given the enduring success of ice hockey as a sport, other traditionally

non-ice-based sports should try an ice-based version. She would particularly like to see ice pole-voting, ice ice trampolining and above all ice horse racing. David Murphy quite likes the Eiffel Tower but would prefer it if all the gaps were grouted in. Anonymous donor, MS, heard about the hanging gardens of Babylon and thinks that no matter how badly behaved the gardens had been, that was way too severe punishment. had been, that was way too severe a punishment. Petit Duret's calculated that climbing the 8,840m high Mount Everest was equivalent to going up the stairs at his house approximately 2,430 times. I'd probably do that in the year, boast the amateur mountaineer, it's no big deal, and it's a hell of a lot safer.

Anonymous donor, BS, once spent 15 minutes admiring what he thought was an intriguingly modern stained glass window in a shop, before he realised that it was in fact a television, showing a prolonged safety exchange in a defensively minded snooker match. James Vincent does not think the Hammerhead shark has been correctly named. This realisation came after he tried to use a toy replica hammerhead shark as a hammer, it did not work, he injured his hand. Nicole McClublin invented an automatically rotating lid and an automatically rotating jar, but forgot to make them go in opposite directions, so has quietly shelved the products for now. Tony Ayuto thinks fewer countries would go to war

if the United Nations banned all weapons apart from the toy lightsaber and all forms of military transport apart from unicycles. David Allen, despite not being the 1960s England cricketer of the same name, sometimes wakes up in the middle of a dream in which he's been selected as an offspin bowl of England in a test match against West Indies at the Oval in 1963, a match for which, of course, Alan the Cricketer was not selected. Simon Withham thinks national productivity would be improved in all countries if the main evening news bulletin concluded with the newsreader saying, that's all for today, now, bedtime, come on, you've got an early start in the morning,

off to bed with you. And Michael Ford does not think pigeon racing will ever be as big as football as a global spectator sport, but does think that some kind of 11-a-side game involving trying to get a ball into a goal played by pigeons might be absolutely sensational. Here endeth this week's lies. you you