The Bugle - Bugle 4122 - Dastardly Things

Episode Date: September 21, 2019

Does Trump have the mental capacity to conspire? What's Andy's daughter now up to on the climate marches? Who are the bad guys in Saudi v Iran and the Rugby World Cup begins.Andy is with Tom Ballard and Nato Green Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, I'm Uglers! And welcome to issue 4,122 of the bugle we are back in the correct numerical order. I am Andy Zoltzmann and I run a tight ship. Tight in the miserly sense, I don't invest much in upkeepment repairs.

I must now fairly see where the any more. It's either Friday the 20th of September, if you are me now, or if you are you listening when you're listening, it is insert date here. No judgment either way, just the fact of time. And joining me in London this week still hanging out here because this hemisphere is just so awesome. We've grabbed him for another vehicle before he flees back south. Tom Ballard, hello Tom.

Hello Andy, I'm flashing to be aboard this time ship. So I mean, in terms of, of you know you're heading back to Australia yeah shortly. Yep. What lessons have you learned from your trip to the Northern Hammer Service on that you can spread the other side of the Equator? Parliamentary democracy rules. Everything's gonna be fine. Always use drones to attack oil reserves. See, these are the things that happen in the Northern hemisphere. We don't hear about it in the Southern hemisphere.

It's all bloody beaches and, um, sharks. Sharks. Right. Good. A delicious tortilla. I'm thinking the rest of the sevens for you, you know, what it's like here. Yeah. And joining us by the magical witchcraft and modern communication all the way. From San Francisco, Nito Green.

Shalom, Bughlers! I'll go like, oh, I don't know if I've ever said that in 12 years on the Bughler. I'm a bad Jew. You are the worst Jew I've ever been. Not in your adherence to Judaism, I mean, just as a worst Jew. Thank you. When you said you were on a tight ship, Andy, I assume you meant, Jew. All right.

Oh, I wonder from nowhere. I've never said that. That's what I was talking about. How's American? I thought it's a bit of a war since we had had someone come into life from the States. America's fantastic. The big news out of the States this morning is that uh... is that we're down one more uh... presidential candidate

finally uh... new york mayor bill de blasio just dropped out of his presidential i know because he was polling at zero uh... but also because no one liked him he was he was not only polling low, but the people who knew about him emphatically didn't like him.

So in a statement this morning, he said that the reason he was dropping out was to return to New York City to ensure that New York City remains the vanguard of progressivism to which the people of New York said, hey, I'm walking to you, forget about it, Kabagoo. It's such a diverse city. Yeah, I can't believe it.

Now, we give up just because no one's really that interested in him, and he's not very popular. Yeah, that's never stopped me and mocked her, eh? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, polling is zero and zero and every day view, isn't it? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, He might be available for the bugle, Andy.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, We are recording on the 20th September, He might be available for the bugle, Andy. We are recording on the 20th September, on this day, in the year 1187 was the beginning of the siege of Jerusalem, led by a slatted, and it was all done and dusted by the second of October. That's disappointingly short for a siege, isn't it? That's what barely even two weeks. I mean, fans of the longer siege would have been very, very disappointed.

I guess maybe they were trying to appeal to the younger fans of Seagewarfair who want everything now. Wow, bam, thank you, man. I'm surrendered and done in a fortnight. Not for the purists, fans of TestMatch, Seagewarfair are a proper long drawn out, six month grind minimum.

So much more narrative subtlety, the intricate tactical positioning, the gradual breakdown of society within the perceived city, the discontent in the besieging forces, it's a test of patience, stamina technique, that is a proper siege. It was a real siege 2020, I guess. So lad in, apparently he wanted to take Jerusalem without spilling too much blood, particularly of his fellow Muslim, so he offered a sweet ransom once in a lifetime special offer where you could buy your way out. And the cost of this was ten dinars for men, but only five for women. So he was a feminist before feminism was even trendy. 1187, sensational. I believe there's some embarrassing photos of Justin Trudeau dressed

as Saladin. That could cause him to be mad eggs. We will touch on that later in this show. And it's 500 years to the day since circumnavigation superstar Ferdinand McGellan set sale on his round the world trip. Five ships with supplies for two years and 270 men party party party. A total of 19 of those made it back, not including McGellan himself. Round the world cruises were so much more exciting in those days.

So much more. Tomorrow, 21st of September, will be 26 years since Russian President Boris Yeltsin prompted a constitutional crisis by suspending parliament and scrapping the constitution. Now, there's something about putting Boris's in power. It's bad. Bad news. Obviously, we don't have a constitution to scrap, but the point's done. Is it possible that Boris Johnson is gonna show the House of Commons with a tank?

Like Boris Yeltsin did? Is that something that you would look forward to? No, I mean, it's entirely, I think at this point what we learn is you never rule anything out. I'm sure that can find some loophole saying, well, there's nothing in the Mag carter about not not driving a tank into Parliament.

As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week our review of London Fashion Week is that why you stayed to stay in the I'm a phantom. I'm a phantom. You know what? Well, probably she's so naturally well dressed. Oh, f*** you! The judging group of bombers. Lovely haircut by Andy. Judging from what my own standards. Oh yes, I have had my haircut. Oh, there's an exciting anniversary.

Next month, it will be 20 years since I last paid for a haircut. Muzzle time. Andy, as we are preparing for today's bugle, I realized that your haircut has a storied history. I didn't realize that you would borrowed your hairstyle from Israeli Prime Minister David Ben Currien. Well, of course. Of course, I have.

Fashion, I got who cut your hair now? My wife cuts my hair. Great. We just had off 15th wedding anniversary this week. Great. Lucky girl in the world. The London Fashion Week. It's been another thrilling week of clothing here in London.

Oh, he looked back in a section of the bin and all the highlights of London Fashion Week ranging from socks to shirts and trousers to underpants. The big stars this week, of course, a group of non-conventionalist models, or normality models, as they're known, who strutted their stuff on the catwalk, wearing safety helmets and hives tabards, prompting a rush on building-side safety clothing

from amongst all young London's young trendsetters. Did later transpire, they were just builders, taking a shortcut via a fire escape on their lunch break. That's fashion controversialist, Gar Montier naturalist, Granale de la Clouche, stirred the pot once again with trousers made of hollowed out penguins, Couturiel, Sator and global warming apparently and de la Clouche insisted he did not actually

slay the penguins himself, so it's fine. British socks sensation, flip-on, appleing found of the high-soxiety chain of luxury ankle, foot and toe wear. Unveiled his new market-shifting crop sock, which only covers the toes and about an inch and a half of actual foot, and the new unisoc, which is one co-soc to be worn on both feet simultaneously, very good for the posture, less good if you have somewhere to go, but such is high-fashion.

Some interesting trends at London Fashion Week this week. Back in fashion, the Poulaine. Unexpected revival for the pointy medieval shoe, also known as the Crack-Off. Crack-Off, that's pronounced. Developed, of course, by the Polish army in the 15th century as a means of toasting Marshmallows around a campfire whilst living their sword or halberds available for emergency use at all times. That came in after, of course, a king Zhibrigizmund, the oddly irate, was ambushed and killed, mid-Marshmallow, by his great rival, Wenceslade the Butch.

The last thing that Ziggitzmund saw was his enemy eating his Marshmallow, saying could have done with another 20 seconds. And of course. You really have to be here. You have to attend a recording to watch Eddie Reed's own material with a big, that smile on his beautiful face.

It's really special. Thank you Tom. You can indeed attend recordings in Glasgow on the 7th of October and you cast on the 8th of October. He's the best! He tells on the website. Also in the fashion section in the bin, which has got quite long. This is a big bin. An exclusive interview with Sir Fontaine Curly, the founder of the very fast fashion giants fleet, justifying his latest show of clothes, footwear and jewelry that disintegrate and or dissolve eight to 15 minutes after being put on such items as the Evernespadrill, the ephemeral and the transit trousers.

He claims they are both a metaphor for life and a very sound business model. That section in the bin, often when I do a very long section in the bin, it's because I've been up ridiculously late. And the reason for that is, I got on, I was supposed to get a train that got into London at 11.30 pm after a gig up in Yorkshire last night. It arrived in London at 3.15 am, due to a significant delay.

So if I'm not at my sparkling best today, that is why. Top story this week, the Middle East. Well, we keep returning to the Middle East, like a dog returning to its long lost vomit over the 12 years that the show has been in existence. Tom and NATO, I've just appointed you both the beautiful Middle East correspondence. So just the Saudi-Iran squabble at the moment, drone strike on a Saudi oil installation, dispute over who is responsible. I mean, how much have you enjoyed this?

Tom is a neutral Middle East neutral. Very neutral. I, very neutral. I'd describe it more as a ral or a bitch fest. All right, two major Saudi oil installations were attacked by missiles and drones. Saudi Arabia is like, it was a rhyme. And the US agrees it was a rhyme. And a rhyme was like, no, it was the Houthi rebels

in the Yemen and the Houthi rebels are like, yeah, it was totally us. And then one guy from Saudi Arabia was like, well, I guess it could have been the Houthi rebels. And the rest of the Saudis are like, no, Iran. And the US was like, damn fucking right, it was Iran. And Iran has to lip sync for its life. And I'm like, girl, you ain't that fishy. You better watch yourself and stop acting like you're the biggest bitch in the Gulf. Okay. I've been watching a lot of RuPaul's Drag Race. Okay. So that's

might have influenced my coverage. But this does seem to be more scrubber, more talk of war, which we're all about here at the Bugle Andy. We're always banging the drum. There's been mounting pressure on Trump to take some military action against Iran, not just sanctions. He's been frightfully coy, saying, there's plenty of time to do some darsetly things. It's very easy to start and we'll see what darsetly things. Okay, thanks.

President Ridler from 1960s Batman. Thank you for the vague heads up. Ooh, I just can't wait to see what James and Drones try to get up to. I'm sure that whatever it is, it will be ever so delicious. That's a glorious, go, I mean,

Nite, I do you know that your president had the word dastardly in his linguistic golf back. I think probably he is famously a very short term memory. So somebody must have said it literally two seconds before he said it. And then he that was like the last thing he heard. I'm a little bit surprised. I mean, Trump, this is going to be a challenging diplomatic situation for him

because as you know, Trump is famously racist. And prior to this was not aware that Saudi Arabia and Iran were different things. Just thought it was like a lot of brown people and that was all he had, that he wanted to bomb probably and that was all he needed to know. So he's gonna have to really get into the weeds on it. Obviously, from an objective point of view, it's not ideal to see Saudi Arabia and Iran politically prodding each other in the chest, like to drunk and men on different stagdows at the same nightclub,

realizing they're both engaged to the same woman. And as you said, was it the who-thes, was it Iran? Was it surprise package Ecuador? Oh, I mean, they'd not been mentioned. Often, you know, strangely, at least a city one, the Premier League, who knows? Was it surprise package Ecuador? Ooh! I mean, they'd not been mentioned, you know, that's often, you know, strangely less than 31, the Premier League. Who knows? Maybe it was Ecuador that bombed that oil insulation. Was it a prank by the TV show in practical jokers? Was it maybe Elon Musk attempting to accelerate space travel by provoking another world war? It sure as f*** worked last time. I think on my list of things that I wanted to see this year, it did not include Saudi Arabia and Iran scobbling over a strike on a Saudi oil plant.

It did not. England went in the cricket world cup, that was on there. Britain having an OBGYN as Prime Minister, that was on there, it has not yet happened, but I am still hoping. Okay. But a spiral of provocation and recrimination in the Middle East, not on my list. Well apparently Trump discussed the Iran situation on the phone with your Prime Minister with Boris Johnson

and the two agreed on the need for a united diplomatic response. And I tell you what Andy, if there's one thing Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are good at, it is making things united. If you want things like responses or democracies to really stay united, really stick together, like Velcro covered in glue, get Donnie and Boris on the case.

Clockwipe to number 10 of the White House simultaneously releasing conflicting diplomatic responses, one of them encouraging Saudi Arabia to sexually molest Iran and the other demanding that Islamist stand up for the guys for the war on Christmas. It's coming. I think we should just embrace the fact that a war at Arrard is coming. Let's lean into it, Andy. It's been ages since we've had a good war, apart from the million culture wars

that occupy every single second of every single day. I'm talking about a proper war. I've been seen someone pull down a statue in fucking ages and quite frankly, I'm fucking sick of it. Quite frankly, Andy, if someone doesn't torture a brown person in a far off land in my name, for no good reason whatsoever, pretty bloody soon, Andy. I'm gonna feel ashamed to be a red-blooded member of the Western world. Let's go over there and accomplish the f*** out of that mission, baby!

Sorry, but I'm sorry. I mean, you have very much a pen-up boy for the alt-right these days, come on. Andy, you get to sit there and let Tom call Boris Johnson your prime minister. Is that mine? Well, to be honest, he's all of our prime, he belongs to the world. Boris Johnson, he is a metaphor for the dangers of letting your democracy rot from the inside. Mike Pompeo jabbed the finger of blame very firmly into the eyeballs of Tehran. letting your democracy rot from the inside. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha possibilities five five percent in one oil does that not seem like a fuck of a lot for one or I mean does anyone thought of maybe trying to just spread that out a bit more not leaving so much the world's energy supplies

tied up in one facility owned and run by a Theocratic dictatorship I mean I'm no expert on the global oil industry but what are we gonna do Eddie one no name one alternative energy source to me, other than oil. You know what I mean? It's not like you just flinging around the air or beamed to us directly from a giant gas, like, you know, nearby every single day.

Oh, can you just incinerate stray kittens? No, we need to burn the old dinosaurs. Right. I'm always saying that, that's my cat's voice. No, we need to burn the old dinosaurs. Right. I've always said that. That's my catchphrase. I believe the Saudi-Rabbi government described the attackers there 9-11, which to be it could be argued the original 9-11 was there as well And they really are having two bites of the apple if Someone who do we believe on this do Do you believe Saudi Arabia? Do you believe Iran? Do you believe Donald Trump? I mean, it's like deciding whether to share a remote Airbnb with Hannibal Lecter Freddie Kruger or Donald Trump.

It's not an easy choice. Also, in the Middle East, the aftermath of the latest Israeli election is rumbling on, still unclear, who will be Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, the reigning champion, or opposition leader Benny Gantz, who I think had some hits in the 1950s with his big band, I'll forget. Netanyahu is attempting to forge pecs with religious politicians and far-right ultra-nationalists. I mean, that's in terms of reassuring phrases you can hear at this difficult time. That is, again, that's low on the list. As the Beatles sang, all you need is love and religious fundamentals and right-wing nationalist, holding a balance of political power in Israel.

He's of course Nenyo is still batting off corruption scandals like wasps at a picnic, quick bit of advice for Nenyo who don't just try to bat off the wasps, try to stop smearing yourself head to toe in a honey and maple syrup. Israel had a choice between two fantastic leaders, they had a choice between the right wing Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Benny's such freedom to choose I'm as free as a Palestinian living in Gaza. Wee Oh, look at stuff. Oh, god promise it to us Tom. It was pretty well conveyed at one point NetNiahu promised to annex large sections of the West Bank if he was returned as Prime Minister and Benny Gancyl opposition leader responded

to that not by saying the classic attack line, hey, that's illegal and bad. But rather opting for the alternative classic, stop copying me. The two major parties in the Israeli election genuinely argued over not over the merits of the idea of illegally expanding the state of Israel into the West Bank, but over who came up with that idea.

I look forward to Prime Minister Gances taking a tougher stance against Palestine in protestors, stop hitting yourselves, stop hitting yourselves. Stop hitting yourselves. Stop hitting yourselves. Alright, tough crap. I don't know. Cut it out. It's tough out there. Well, I'll tell you who's I'd do it wasn't the first place.

God, there's God right there. In other crazy leadership news now, just in Trudeau, cannot remember how often he's blacked up. Well, that's really the only way to report this story. uh... just in true though uh... cannot remember how often he's blacked up really the only way to report this story uh... later you are a canadian politics correspondent uh... it doesn't seem good uh... to me if you if you can't it's not not just that you've done it but if you can't remember how often you've done it

that suggests that it's a lot of time uh... yeah that's uh... that's also a cry for help that's just introduced way of saying that he was blackout drunk for most of his 20s. He said that he was too privileged to know that it was wrong to wear black face. And you might think that that's a comment on his familial wealth,

but let me translate it for you. In this context, being too privileged means not knowing any black people who might punch you in the face. You need to grow up in a diverse community so that when you show up at the school prom in blackface, you get punched in the face and then you realize, oh, perhaps I should not do that anymore. It's not like a lot of, you know, study groups and reading and understanding, you know,

human empathy. It is a healthy respect of getting punched in the face for being two races. So the press keeps asking if his propensity for blackface will hurt Trudeau's upcoming re-election campaign but you know we've seen from trump and boris johnson and bolson arrow uh... like a lot of success for racist politicians it could help him out uh... there are probably some what canadians

watching the story unfold and saying you know finally a prime minister with the balls to wear blackface a blackface p.m. is my cup of tea url gray obviously the balls to wear a black face. A black face PM is my cup of tea. Earl Gray obviously, Genn Mature's for stinky immigrants. I do think just return to this. He says he can't remember how often he's done it. So that I mean that suggests that it's a minimum of five times. Does it not? Because I mean, one, you're definitely not going to forget. Two, you're probably remember doing it

and people saying, Justin, I can't believe you've done that again. A third time, you'll remember people saying, Justin, are you serious? You're still doing that? Four, you'll remember the looks in people's faces, even if you don't specifically remember choosing to turn your white skin into a different color. Five, I guess it's become an addiction,

but it just blanks into. I think he's kind of dead, anyway, because like, no, remember how many times, that's a bad look, I get that. But it might also be a bad look, if he could remember precisely how many times he's blacked up, particularly if he recounts those times, wistfully staring up into the middle distance,

smiling to himself about the good old times. But also, what I want to know, those, how many fancy dress parties he thinks it. I guess in Canada, those long summer months have to be passed before the hockey season begins, but I can remember every single fancy dress costume I have ever worn, stonehenge, once, and apart from that, whenever I went to a fancy dress party, I just wore a dressing gown and strapped a metal tee book to myself because I couldn't really be asked but I mean, it's just does he not vary his costumes at all now when you are to a witter stick with it The New York Post covered this with the headline Justin Trudeau leaves open possibility of more blackface photos

Which really does sound like he's planning to take more in the future Which I just as a bold intellectuals strategy like I've heard of trying to take more in the future. Which I have to say is a bold intellectual strategy. I've heard of trying to get ahead of the story, but that's pretty impressive. The photo was taken from a yearbook picture from 2001 that had been obtained by Times Magazine as they reported. Piss off times, you didn't obtain it. Someone just emailed it to you.

It just fell into your lap. You obtained this photo in the same way that I've obtained the dozens of dick pics that Andy Zoltzman has texted to me. Okay, you've done no work for this. Oh, special secret. He was dressed up as a lad in the photo and it's obviously perfect, a lot of outrage

from all sorts of people, including Scarlett Johansson who was annoyed she wasn't considered for the role at the time. But the problem, of course, is he's so progressive, right? Like, he's sold himself as a very progressive guy. When his cabinet was sworn in in 2015, half the appointments were women, three were Sikhs, and two members were from indigenous communities.

At least that's what everyone believed. It was revealed today that those cabinet members were actually just a bunch of white dudes, in dresses and convincing turbans. So the whole thing's falling apart for it, by the candy. Oh, we live in strange and confusing times. Uh whistle blowing news now and uh well there's been further whistle blowing scandal in America We don't know what the whistle blower has blown his whistle about that remains outside the public domain, possibly something to do

with Ukraine. So all we can do in this vacuum of information is guess what Donald Trump has done that is not being allowed to come out and given all the stuff about him that is true and public domain, you've got to assume it's a hell of a lot worse. So I'm going to float these possibilities, none of which are true, let me say that from a legal point of you. That he brought together leaders of the Jewish and Muslim communities in the White House for a meeting, and then rodin' on a pig, said open wide everyone, and fed that pig a hand grenade.

We can only speculate. It is possible that during the state visit to the UK, early this year, he wiped his penis on the Queen's crown when she'd taken it off to take her shot in a game of pool before announcing, now I am magic. Pfft. Pfft. magic. We just don't know. We just don't know.

They're several like fantasies of yours that you've been turning over to. It's so hard to tell the difference these days. It is hard. I think he could have promised Japan that he'd defeat Godzilla once and for all, no doubt by deploying an even bigger and more destructive radioactive monster to f**k Godzilla. He could have promised Australia to invite us to more parties and answer our WhatsApp messages, please. It could have promised Israel to do some reading so he can become clear about the whole history thing. And you could have promised Slovenia to order more of their wives. I don't know,

we'll never know. I just hope this all comes out. We know for sure, you know. The thing about this that I'm having trouble with is I'm not sure I believe that Trump is actually capable of hatching a conspiracy and executing it just at a cognitive level like Everybody in America and the world probably already knows at this point that as soon as Trump is out of office We'll get official confirmation that his brain was made up of 98 and a half percent of dead worms And like everybody knows that at this point and we're just going along with the farce that his brain was made up of 98.5% of dead worms. And like everybody knows that at this point and we're just going along with the farce. And so now everyone's trying to figure out

who was the whistleblower and I think we know, it's code. The whistleblower complaint was filed on August 12th. Now of course, you guys know that in 2001, prior to the September 11th attacks on August 6th, then President and current water color prodigy George W. Bush received the President daily briefing from the CIA entitled Bin Laden Determined to Strike in the US, which he ignored because, again, George W. Bush and Donald Trump, both the last two white presidents in America,

cannot read. So, August 6th, daily intelligence briefing in 2001, current complaint August 12th. This year, 2019 was the 18th anniversary of 9-11. That's 6 plus 6, August 6th plus to August 12th. August 12th plus 6 is 18. That's 3-6s, 6-6-6. The number of the beast himself is the whistleblower say didn't lose it for messed up a stop a least call him what you will is actually an employee of the u.s. federal federal government

he works as deputy special liaison to the accounts payable department of the c.i.a. and he blew the whistle on trumps conduct because he is very concerned that trump is making the apocalypse much more stupid than the Dark Lord had intended. Well, it's good to have someone there on the ground for us reporting these stories that aren't making a mainstream press.

You'll see Alex Jones on your podcasting at work. Let's get this. Lunatic former leader news now and David Cameron has stirred up some hot water over here. He has irritated the Queen, apparently, by spreading details of their supposedly secret meetings from when he was Prime Minister, not just in his book, but in interviews as well. The Queen, of course, is constitutionally barred from calling David Cameron a self-serving twat, but I think that message was fairly clear, which the palace ready should quote, it's displeasure and annoyance.

I was in a double act all that once. I can't remember what happened the other guy. Which one were you? Anyway, David Cameron's book for the record is out this week and we have exclusive serialization rights here at the Bugles. So here's some world exclusive excerpts from for the record. This is on Brexit. My adviser said to me that it would be a political earthquake, but I lived through

the equi-quake earthquake of 2014 in Chile. It was 8.3 on the Richter's stair where I was in Oxfordshire. I didn't feel a thing. So how bad can they actually be? Perhaps rashly I'd assume my personal magnetism and popularity would be enough to see remain to victory, but as it transpired, failing to win an overall majority against one of the least popular sitting Prime Ministers in history, then sneaking a narrow majority against his even more incompetent successor, largely by virtue of having sold out to the very people I was now trying to beat on the far right of the political spectrum, did not equal unquenchable and undying love from the voters. This on austerity, he's very

proud of his record on austerity, he says this. Whilst austerity was undoubtedly a great success, measured in the bald objective criteria of number of lives ruined, number of tears shed, and number of party donors pleased, it could have gone further. When I left office, the country still had some traces of its vital organs intact. Many people were still able to buy their own food, and they were still a flicker of hope in the eyes of British children. I had to face the fact that I had failed.

This is on the rise of Yuckeip and the Brexit wing of the Tory party. It turned out that constantly feeding tasty morsels of meat to a crocodile does not necessarily pacify that crocodile. It just means you end up with a large, constantly ravenous crocodile with a taste for blood. The chief civil servant warned me that the potential ramifications would shake and in all likelihood break the United Kingdom and define my legacy as the most damaging ever left by a Prime Minister. But I did not hear him. My mind was yet again wandering back to that night.

That unforgettable night in Oxford and the soft engulfing sensation of my tumestant memorum slowly disappearing into the cold dead moor, sorry, it's a family show, which is beneath that book. You can buy for the record in any good bookshop and do buy it and then set fire to it and throw it in a bin. Protest news now and well the world is protesting. Today protests all around the world yet again they're protesting here in London. Later I believe you're going, shortly going to go on the protest in San Francisco or began, I don't know if Australia was the first one, I was probably in New

Zealand, beat you to it as a self in the case. Millions of people around the world have gathered to protest against the climate, which has had it too good for too long. My daughter, once again, is on the climate, I need to just call in on her again as we did back in February to see how things are going. Tom, I mean, you're a little younger than me, so obviously the environment is your problem more than its mind. Sure. I mean, what's the problem? Thank you for all that you've done, by the way. You're welcome. Who's, who's sorry

you on? I think I'm, I'm still waiting to see, you know, maybe the fossil fuel companies will give us something else that will impress me and I'll sort of tip their way. You know, the environment's done some cool stuff, the birds and chickens and birds and chickens, two separate categories. And adds a pretty cool as well. I like that ants movie, the animated one they did, that was good. Tom, I love the idea of the only bit of nature that you enjoy being poultry. Like, yeah, we really need to take care of the environment. You know, chickens, jerky, duckies, swans,

pusson, a squab, you know, that's, we really need to conserve the planet. I said it like a robot trying to be human. I just, I just cycle through the animals I've researched and I just got stuck on the bird page. I love all animals. I'm very proud of it, all right? I didn't go to the protest today because I had to write jokes for this f***ing bullshit,

which I would say is the greatest pollution you can enter into the world is writing jokes for the vehicles. I'm full of regret today and I'm ashamed of myself. I'm good on you, Dana. I'm good on you talking to your daughter, Adi. It's good. It's in the morning here in California and I'm heading out to the climate march as soon as we wrap up here.

I will be walking with the trade union contingent at the climate strike today. And frequently in the US, labor is not great on responding to the climate crisis because of construction unions, whose workers build pipelines and refineries and oil rigs. And, you know, it's easy to get pessimistic about climate change, but I think these, like, climate denialists fossil fuel unions are actually optimists because they believe that there are jobs on a dead planet. Now I don't know if this is probably the case in your cities as well, but in San Francisco, like our marches always go the same route.

They started Civic Center down Market Street to the Embarcadero, or they started the Embarcadero and go down Market Street the other way to Civic Center. It's what you would call about two and a half kilometers distance, and we San Franciscans would call a reasonable distance to walk back from a parking space. I look forward to seeing climate protesters, but one of the things I also enjoy about going to protest is seeing like all the bandwagon protests who show up for other causes, just to sort of, oh, there's a protest,

I better go talk about my thing. So I'm looking forward to the US out of these nuts, the solidarity with the waterfront liberation front, So I'm looking forward to the US out of these nuts the Solidarity with the waterfront liberation front the people who think that reducing carbon is the same as reducing carbs and are pelting the police with scones and And of course the people who blame the Jews Looking forward to all that we we talk about the Negatives of climate change, but we don't talk enough about the positives.

Like some jobs will actually get easier. Farming will get harder, of course, as the world gets hotter, but the job of meteorologists will get easier. Like the evening news, future weatherman, all he'll have to say is, oh shit, run, mother f**kers, everything is on fire. So that job will get easier.

Another job that will get easier in the future is Norwegian Safari Guide. Now they have very few clients, very few opportunities to go on Safari in Norway, but in the future, hiking the tropical jungles in Norway will be a top tourist destination, and those people will do well. Also, another job is the people whose job

it is to rename neighborhoods in real estate listings because sea level rise will change a lot of place names. Like in San Francisco, I live in a very hilly neighborhood called Bernal Heights, about 10 kilometers from the ocean, but in 20 years, it'll be Bernal Beach. And then I will have beach front property without having done anything, although I will also have no food.

But I mean, the property, I mean, imagine that the property boom for places like yours, Nito, that's got to be worth hanging on for. That's got to be worth is leaving your car running in the driveway every day. As I said, my daughter has once again joined in on the London protest,

and I just need to just check, she's taking the day off first off school and just need to check everything, everything's going alright. Hello darling, how's it going? No love, I haven't heard if they're combined forces of capitalism have agreed to instantly change everything they do yet. Do keep trying though, I'm sure they'll come round. Sorry, you're breaking up there.

No, no, no, you cannot kidnap Michael Gove and parade him naked down Whitehall Shouting Shame Shame Shame. Deserving it does not make it legal, I'm afraid, no. No. I did say you could do anything you want to be a birthday treat, but, but, sorry, what's that? No, I don't think releasing poisonous Amazonian snakes onto the London Underground is the best way

to make your point. Well, it is snakes onto the London Underground is the best way to make your point. Well, it is a way, yes. Not the best way. I know we've destroyed their natural habitat. That doesn't necessarily follow the way we have a reciprocal duty to... What do you mean it's too late? No, I think that was a mistake, darling. Who told you to do it? Yeah, I did say you should always listen to your mother. Can I have a quick work with Mum, please?

She's riding what down the Thames, waving and burning FGF Boris Johnson? Where does she get it from? Don't the police need it? Spear clothes, yes. I'll be there right away. Okay, love. Love you. You're such a squared day.

Just chill out of it, you know? In Australia, of course, the classic reaction to young people, you know, taking their feature in their hands, heading out, you know, into the streets using their democratic rights to fight for a better future. Right when people looked that gone, no, thank you. The Daily Mail in Australia did some cracking journalism by publishing a story with the dramatic headline, I just wanted to day off. School children admit they use climate change protests as an excuse to skip class.

Breaking news Andy, some young people don't like school. Our top story today? School drools! School drools? And later in the bulletin, why teachers stink like food brains. The Daily Mail journalist talked to a group of schoolboys who said they were just happy to be out of the classroom and were planning on going to Subway for lunch as they were hungry. Ha! Typical apathetic generation said, always eating food, so that they're because they're hungry. Better not get used to that kids.

Once the climate apocalypse hits, the sandwich artists are going to be the first ones we eat for food. Meanwhile Australian radio shock shock Ellen Jones took calls about the climate strikes. Ellen was not a fan. Apparently when an elderly caller suggested the children's minds were being manipulated just like those of the Hitler youth in Germany decades ago, Ellen Jones was in furious agreement. He said, I will remind our listeners that Hitler's Minister of Propaganda, Joseph Goebbels, also said it would not be impossible to prove with sufficient repetition that a square is in fact a circle. Of course, Goebbels' greatest crime, misleading people on geometric shapes. Next thing you know, these left wing Nazi climate bastards will have our children running around thinking a dodecker, he droid as a f***ing rhombus.

Not on my watch, mate. BIRGAR KING BIRGAR KING In other environmentally related news, Burger King in Britain, the burger chain, are, have said that they will stop giving out plastic toys with kids' meals. I mean, this is, does that, they were the tastiest bit. Tom, you're our free toys with meals correspondent. Thank you. What's, what's your take on this? Well, basically,

yeah, two Hampshire children set up a petition calling on the company to reduce plastic waste. So they're getting rid of the toys. Burger King says, from here on in, the plastic will only be used to make their lettuce. I mean, it's basically the same joke, but Burger King is encouraging people to bring in old promotional plastic toys, which it says it plans to melt, to make other items. What the fuck is happening in a Burger King kitchen?

That they have plastic melting facilities. Just focus on cooking the food. Call me picky, I don't want my burgers to be anywhere near a kiln full of melted detective Pikachu carcasses. Please. McDonald's hasn't gone quite as far as Burger King. They've said their customers will now be able to choose between getting a plastic toy or getting some fruit.

You hear that kids? You know how you love you McDonald's happy bills but just wish they could somehow be healthier and more boring? Well good news. Now you can replace that Spider-Man action figurine with some grapes. Oh to be honest it does melting down old toys. That I mean that does sound like scene one in some kind of horrific disaster movie. It's the fight of finale toy story three. Is that it? They're all going to the fire. Oh well. Can I ask, is it, is did Burger King make a permanent decision to suspend the plastic toys or did they just prorogue them for a little while? world. Sport news now and the rugby world cup has begun, it began today with Japan beating Russia in the opening match. And of course the bugle itself birthed into existence just

as the 2007 rugby world cup came to a close. Since when New Zealand have not lost a single rugby world cup match, you're very welcome, and in New Zealand, Buglers, they are playing South Africa in the morning, tomorrow's Saturday morning, so this might be out of date already, but it's time for the Bugle official rugby world cup preview. Tom, I mean, you must be hugely excited

about Australia's prospects in this tournament. Please shut up and leave me alone. Okay, and NATO, I imagine the streets of America are absolutely a wash with discussion of how the the US Eagles are going to fare in this tournament. I don't know what Eagles are. Okay, so I'll take this one on my own then. It's sensational tournament ahead international rugby. Like most sports skirts, that fine line between global festival of athletic endeavor

and competition stifling self-interested cartel. On the field, rugby for those who are not familiar with it now is sort of a cross between chess cage wrestling without the cage off the ground it, being combine harvested and international tax law, particularly international tax law in that no one really understands it, but you can be pretty sure that the big guys

are probably doing something very naughty indeed. It can be a sport of unmatched majesty when it isn't tediously repetitive or disobeying up its own fundament under the weight of a rulebook that would wipe out the dinosaurs if it collided with earth at sufficient velocity. Incredible skill in the heat of physical combat,

on a level with trononitter basket of young snakes into a nice little bonnet while going down a bobsled run on an increasingly cranky crocodile So it's it can be great. It can be less great. The American team Not expected to do that well, but they do have my favorite named player of the tournament and there are some spectacular names in international rugby threatened Palamo Which National rugby threaten Palamo, which sounds like a memo from Donald Trump to himself, reminding him to be some morning diplomacy. The people of Palamo have to be taught a lesson.

There's no such place, Mr. President. I think you'll find there is no such place. Who's President? Look out to for a Hanco-Humasace for no reason, other than it's a satisfying collection of syllables. I like Intimate A Johnson myself. You know, I guess we'll have our own first ball. Take it as. What could be the deciding factors in this tournament?

Could be which team has stolen the best players from the Pacific Islands of tradition as old as international rugby itself? Which team has packed itself with the most South Africans? South Africa have got a good chance there, but they're not quite as far ahead as you might think. Which team is the most effective at the ancient rugby art of covert low-level cheating and referee swindling?

Which team ends up with fewer players suffering ruptured scrotals, a displaced spleen rammed up into their ice socket, or an opponent's head lodged in movably where their thoracic vertebrae used to be. Or classic rugby injuries. I'm going to pick out some players to look out for now from the World Cup for those who've listened to it. For South Africa, look out for Meatball, Skalkke, Vanque, Van Drakesbike who trains by splitting rocks in a quarry just by running out of them head first.

The French genius Bluff Leon's Jitan and illusionist fly-off who are famously owned as distinctively Macquarie, a phantom running style, working his parents unlicensed zoo where the young Bluff Leon's would be thrown into the lining closure every morning carrying a lump of zebra meat ship like a rugby ball and have to side step and dummy his way to safety. Look out too for the Georgian bullwalk grizzled human caucus of Schmacher-Ladze who has a top running speed of 0.6 miles an hour, but can upturn a cargo ship with his bare hands. Operating Romanian speeds to Vile Portescu who can run 100 meters and 10.4 and fix a fullback to the spot with the first three bars of his sensational nessendorma. New Zealand all backs heavily fancied, particularly with their legendary star, Quantock,

Meldington Norris back in the squad, selected for his skills at the pre-match hacker, the war dance, the traditional war dance New Zealand user, which Meldington Norris performed so threateningly that opponents have been known to confess their role in unsolved crimes to the 1970s and hand themselves into police just to get off the pitch. And another American player to look out for. I don't think your brain's been affected by that late night trade journey at all. I think it's working perfectly fine. The American Scrumhoff, Pope T'lula, the most argumentative player in the world, rugby, a Harvard Law School graduate who recently won an in-game court case against the referee

in which the USA awarded 73 extra points and $1.3 million in compensation. So it's all set to be a sensational World Cup. Woo! Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Tom, it's been a pleasure having you here in London the last, what, twice in the last couple of weeks. In absolute joy is every end, he's ultimate. And he shows you'd like to alert all listeners to. Yes, beautiful people in Los Angeles, La La Land.

I'm performing my show Enough at the UCB Franklin on Thursday, October the 3rd at 9.30 pm. It will be full of suits from the beers who are dead inside and do not laugh. So if normal, lovely, bugleers would like to come along and support the show, I'd love to see you there. Night out, anything you'd like to plug? My comedy album, The Whiteness Album,

is available wherever comedy can be streamed and downloaded. Also Monday, September 30th, I have my monthly movie riffing show at the Alamo Drafthouse, where we talk over the movies. This month, September 30th, we're doing Swamp Thing and

October we're doing Terminator 2 so that'll be fun. And don't forget live bugle shows Glasgow 7th of October Newcastle the 8th October both the stand comedy clubs tickets available in the ether or internet or at the venues or by the phone whatever you want. See you all there! Until next week, goodbye!