The Bugle - Bugle 4124 - Peak Nigel

Episode Date: October 5, 2019

Special focus on Trump and his international relations, plus we go from Stone Mountain to Peak Nigel. Hari and helen join Andy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, I'm Bugleers and welcome to issue 4,124 of the Bugle Quick protest before we start. What do we want? An in-depth statistical analysis of modern industrial farming techniques and all the latest gossip from Saudi Arabian TV soap operas. When do we want it? Now! Well, I for one am not giving into protest, I'm not going to cave in and roll over so instead we're going to do a regular boobal episode ignoring those two subjects

Joining me to not contemplate the yield per acre of genetically modified oats in a non-El Niño year in farms of at least 1500 acres in size a long overdue welcome back from her globetrotting travels to the quibbling sibling herself Helen Zoltzmann. Hello Andy. Hello Helen. Welcome back. Thank you. How many countries have you been to since you were last on this august for the own newspaper? When was I last on this august newspaper? What a long time, isn't it? Yeah. So at least six. And what's, I mean, who's winning, which has been the best for best of all the countries? Oh shit. I mean, you really want to get into that, and it's very contentious. Right, you really need to go to at least 128 countries,

and then you can do a knockout, like Wimbledon, seven rounds. The World Cup. Yeah. Great. It's 34 episodes since Helen was on the stage. Oh, no, Chris is... I've got to go into the stats engine. It's 34 episodes.

You've dropped off on him at last. And how much is that how you do your calendar now, Chris? Just bugle upsides rather than weeks and months and things. Yes, it is. It's the only true way. My daughter is 400 bugles old. Well, that is surprising news. Oh, it's being Chris.

Oh, I see what I've got. Okay, it's just a big... It's like a turbid spit, yeah. Just the answer is not the kind of thing you should break between family on a podcast. Er, any news? Er, not really. Okay. Things have not much changed to be honest.

Well, there's been a lot of sport on I go. Lots and lots of sport. Happy. Yeah, I can't believe you're out of the country during the cricket world cup. I didn't know cricket had a world cup. Right. You are a constant disappointment to me. And from New York, not here to talk about whether Hafsert, freshly home after completing her doctorate in the USA, will be allowed to walk to the shop

unshaparoned in the latest thrilling episode of Theocratic Patriarchy Street. Another also welcome back to Harry Coddabalu. Hello Andy. It's been a it's been a few months. Yes. I think since I've been on, but I want to report to you in the several months that I have not been on this podcast. Upwards of three people have stopped me to tell me they listened to the bugle.

Right. Upwards of three. One that's anything between. Upwards of three. It's anything between three and eight billion. So I will take that. That's probably so. Oh, is that what upwards means? Yeah. Okay. Then, then let me say three. Right. Well, that's what upwards of three. That is three. That is, yeah, that's three. You're right. You're right.

You're upwards of two. On the level with three. Yeah. Three did not have to be qualified. You're right. It's a three. Three people, including one yesterday on the F-Train, a British fellow, a bloke will you, said that he was a fan of me on the bugle, and I said, not on the other way. I'll be recording. Right, no, no, no, no, not interested in that. Interested in me,

groaning with Andy's puns. Now, the F-Train was your nickname on the wrestling circuit. Haven't you missed this? I went to school with a boy called F-train. He was in a bank called F-train. They'll just get him out the way. It works for organiser legends and you just keep repeating the same formula. It becomes... ...

We are recording on the 4th of October 2019. Don't forget the 7th and 8th of October, Monday and Tuesday. Of next week are the north anniversaries of the Bugle Live shows at the stand-comedy clubs in Glasgow and Newcastle, featuring me and Alice Fraser, do come along to both of those if you feasibly can. On the 4th of October in 1927, work began on the sculpting of Mount Rushmore by a sculptor named Gutson Borglum. What a name that is. Strong. Have you come across him in your Gutson? Yeah, if you have done a podcast about Gutson Borglum. I think on Answer Me This we talked about the origins of Mount Rushmore because it's quite an arrogant thing to do to carve a mountain. Yes.

I think. Yeah, you think? Have you tried? I would say. I haven't because I feel like it's a bit disrespectful. To the mountain. Yeah. And also other people who might want to look at the mountain without seeing some faces on

it. Somebody's not sculpted all mountain, Helen. There's other mountains you can look at that don't have political... sculpted more than no mountains. There's also Stone Mountain in Georgia that I can't remember whether he directly had involvement in or whether it was inspired by him,

but that is a problematic mountain now. Yes, that is very much a Confederate mountain, isn't it? It's, I don't feel like geology got a choice as to whether it was going to be a Confederate or non-confederate, and this is why I do not care for the carving of a mountain. It's just so hard to get consent out of a rock. That's right, Andy. Yep.

That is why, just assume, if you're not getting enthusiastic consent from the mountain to carve it, do not carve it. Right. Two things is very hard to get out of the stone. Blood and informed consent. Don't. two things very hard to get out of the stone blood and informed consent. So, but of course the Mount Rasmus Days could be numbered rumours from within the White House suggesting it could be blown up next week and replaced with a disconcertingly

priopic Jeff Coons plastic statue of Donald Trump. So there we go, onwards and others. On the 5th of October in the year 816, King Louis the Pious was crowned emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, did not entirely live up to his name, see later condemned his nephew to death before commuting it to blinding, getting criticized in the tabloid press of the time for going soft on crime, then blinding his nephew who then died anyway from his wounds after two days of what we can only assume was quite indescribable pain. So not, well that doesn't scream piety to me. Not a great uncle. No, it's a good story though. I can't believe there's, has not yet been a Broadway musical about it,

something must have gone in the works. As always, a section of bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, festivals, tickets for next year's Glastonbury Festival apparently sold out an under half an hour. So we give you a round down on the other festivals you might like to consider if you're a festival goer. Including Mono Fest, this is a one person festival service that comes to your house, pitches attend just for you and your garden. Put support to lure up, plays music you're not really familiar with in a largely inaudible way, then keeps you up all night with speakers playing a remorseless bass throb as if from a

disco tent in the nearby woodland clearing. Piss is on the side of your tent at 5am, overcharges you for food and drink and periodically says, Othamud. Also, Festy Cuffs, Next Summets, a Pugilism-themed festival which the bands have to physically fight each other for the right to play a set. Questival, that's a festival really all about the CNN legend Richard Quest, Alt-Rite Amont, that's the Bright Bart sponsored conservative thrash festival at the classic Ultimon venue in California. Some brilliant right-wing thrash acts including Intolerate, Narkin Ark and Petula Petula, the strong man ruler, and the headlines, the misogyny of the lamp. Steve Bannon also playing a set in the acoustic tender collection of children's nursery rhymes,

given a classic banan ult right twist. And Kodja Fest, I recommend recommend that for men over the age of 75 with band including Alvin and the Alzheimer's, the hip hop daytime trance acts senescence, octogenaria and mega slow mega death. Plus a performance of the huge new rock hopper for the old colostomy. I'm not a rote that's especially if you're a return to this show. You shouldn't have. Right, and you're quite right. Anyway, that section is in the bin. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B- There's been continued sh**ery. The Democrats have decided that they're trying to push on with the impeachment, so they're doing an inquiry, which is really exciting. And I feel like after the whole process is over,

we'll finally get Trump out with a year left to go in a second term. So that's fantastic, very timely. That's right. 12.5% off. It's time for revolution injustice, Andy. And when I think revolution injustice, I think congressional hearings and reports. There's going to be a lot of paperwork. The laymiserobst, our musical of that is going to be spectacular. Just people singing a big pile of papers. Do we have the smoking gun yet? Or is it impossible to find a smoking gun in a room so full of smoke that you can't see the end of your own nose anymore whilst the echoes

of multiple gunshots echo eternally around the walls? It feels like there's lots of things that are close and technically he's getting away with it, but when you put them all together, you're like something's going on. Like with this phone call that he had with the Ukrainians, which the fact that they put out the transcript and clearly there's some indication he did some wrongdoing and yet he's still talking about it, indicates that he has no faith whatsoever

in the democratic process to remove him from office, which is one thing Trump and I agree on. Do you think he even knows about the democratic process? I mean, he has no clue what any of this stuff means. He is boring. He doesn't want to know. And the thing is he's been right. It has been boring and it hasn't let to anything. So he actually has saved this time not being

too concerned about it other than a few angry tweets. There's something I feel like there's There's an element of banality of evil here, like in terms of how we haven't overturned. Like this person is as close to a tyrant as we've ever had in office, and people are just going along with it, and I feel like there's an element of banality of evil, people that are just doing their job. I'm just doing my job.

I don't wanna question anything. He's still the leader. He's still the president. I'm just doing my job. I don't want to question anything. He's still the leader. He's still the president. I'm just doing my job. But there's also a problem with democratic bureaucracy when you deal with madmen because bureaucracy is slow. It's slow, right? So he could say, I want the Constitution set on fire

and the Lincoln Memorial to be in blackface. And the Democrats would be like, well, how do we feel about this? I don't want to come off as an elitist who doesn't like a good constitution burning or who makes everything like blackface about race. Let's have a congressional hearing, but first let's have several congressional subcommittees look at it. Oh, you know, things are heating up have several congressional subcommittees. Look at it. Oh, you know, things are heating up when there are subcommittees. Oh, no. That means,

oh, we're going under. We're going under the committees. Also 47% of people disagree with the president. 33% agree with them and 20% don't have an opinion because they're f***ing morons and they'll likely be running for Congress. I mean that's called impressive. I should have 20% after what three years of Trump if you've not... Well I made up those numbers Andy. Okay. Give him a chance Andy. Just see what happens. Might up numbers. Yeah what it's all about. Not to make our numbers and things. The 2020 presidential race, who's your pick to romp to victory?

What other terms of Trump holding on to his trophy? Oh, this country is pretty stupid. I think it's pretty high. I've been incredibly, like, I didn't think I could get more disappointed and I continue to be disappointed. I like Bernie and I like Elizabeth Warren. Bernie's having hard issues and so he's at the suspended campaign, which is, which is upsetting because the worry to me is not the hard issues part of the fact that he, I I think had to get a couple of stents. The worry to me is that I expected him back to work the next day because he's the type

of guy that like he just pops back up. So that's a bit of a worry. I still do like the idea of him as president with potentially Liz Warren as vice president because that way you get the socialist in office for a while and you know he's like in his 70s but he's like an old 70 something so that way you get Bernie Sanders as president but you eventually get Liz Warren probably within months of him being elected. On your bit sick of old white men being in powerhurry because I am.

Oh yeah. Also every other candidate is basically just publicly interviewing for a cabinet position. They're not going to win, but they waste so much money. Beto Ororic is just insulting that he's lost his Senate race to Ted Cruz. And yet after that, he feels fully qualified because he is white and mediocre, and that makes him fully qualified to run for white and mediocre and that makes them fully qualified To run for president of the United States. So I'm in losing to Ted Cruz that sort of the equivalent of losing to a rhinoceros in a nitting competition Yeah, I mean to be fair. It's in Texas. So that rhinoceros still would have gotten a percentage, but Yeah, yeah, it's it's like if you can't be Ted Cruz

What are you gonna do for rest of the country? He's been a congressman in El Paso. So, I mean, it's just, and he speaks Spanish kind of. Yet more stories about Trump's lively attitude towards immigration. And some interesting tactics that he's been apparently in favor of, including a moat full of alligators and shooting immigrants in the leg. Would the alligators be armed? I don't know if the alligators will be doing this shooting. I mean, why not? In the fantasy world that the world now lives in? An alligator for those who don't know is a large carnivorous reptile. It is possible that Trump is also planning to use his moats to drown all the alligators who have made allegations against him, although if all of them are

the drown of the moat, of course, and even if the moat was a mile wide and 50 meters deep, the naughty Mexicans would be able to just walk over the part of bodies. Trump, I mean, he's denied that he's considering a moat, whether with alligators or not for the USA. And I mean, I can understand that. They don't work. Take that from us in Britain. We've got a f***ing massive one. And still, still people keep coming over here for whatever reason. And the shooting immigrants in the legs hurry, that was apparently to slow them down. So it's part of the quality and then just part outright sadism. Yeah, he was all into it until he was told that it was illegal.

Right. Isn't it, isn't it frowned upon in the states to shoot not to kill? You know, if you shoot an intruder in the arm, then you're more likely, then you're more likely to get prosecuted than if you kill them in some state. Yeah Especially when it's like a guest here country if if they're if they're in America and they live here You can murder them, but if they're a guest it seems a bit rude Just send them back. They won't leave Take the stuff away tidy up. It's so remote

He's like a strange mix of Hitler and Wiley Coyote. I on his ass. It's a sit-com lighting to happen. I mean, it's just so here's here's the thing about a moat at the border to prevent immigrants. I'm not sure if he's been to the border, but it's a desert. It is dry. A moat might not last in the desert. I don't think alligators are native to the desert as are snakes. The snakes you could put in the moat,

but again, to expect a watery moat in the desert seems a little unrealistic. Right. I mean, the way I'm hearing it, Harry, is you, Harry Kondabau, who are suggesting a dry moat full of snakes to stop immigrants getting in, is that correct? That is an interesting way to interpret what I said. What about making it into a ball pit? Right. The balls don't evaporate like water does.

Also, I mean, ball pits. No one comes out of a lot of life. There are a lot of fun, aren't they? I don't know. That's a distraction, isn't it? I mean, who could not, I mean, if you're presented with the option of walking across a border or playing in a ball pit, ball pit's going to win every day of the decade. I think it would be kind of interesting though if they had like a zip line and a ball pit,

and if you fall into the ball pit, you have to go back, but if you make it past the ball pit, you get to stay. I was thinking about that and then I realised that these are human beings with families to feed in real-life consequences. I have a question. What would be the real consequences if there were no borders and no nationality? Because it seems like a pretty arbitrary system. Helen, I think you could probably do a 200 episode series of podcasts on that question, could you not? Yeah, but if you give me like the 14 second answer, Andy.

What, the pitch. Just the headlines. I mean, for my point of view, it would really ruin international sport. It would make it an absolute, absolute mayhem. But then you have shirts versus skins. Right. Like the old days. Oh, I'm sure it's, I'm definitely sure it's.

Well, they tried it in Antarctica and everyone left. Which means everyone left. How busy was it? Well we don't know but there's no one there now so let's assume there's quite a lot of people there now. There are in research places mainly. Yeah they don't count. Trump is starting to just shut the border which presumably has certain logistical consequences given that America exports 200 billion pounds worth of goods across that border. So is it a problem in reality and I guess the question then is what is reality anyway? Are we not all living in worlds of our own perceptions if I make quite Donald Trump himself in one of his more philosophical moments? I mean does does reality actually matter in when you have a moatful of crocodiles?

It really depends how rich you are, doesn't it? What reality? Whether reality matters or not. So what is the threshold for reality mattering in terms of... I think it's richness plus a sociopathic lack of conscience. Right. And privilege. And privilege equals reality no longer impacts you. Well, you

don't have to give a shit about it and you can get away with it. Right. Oh, it's good to have a dream, isn't it? Donal Trump has followed up his his request to Ukraine to investigate the Biden family with asking China to do it instead. I mean, one assumes China was already doing it, given that they basically hacked into these souls of every single person in the entire world through their technological wizardry. Is there any positive to be seen in this hurry? We see Trump reaching out to Ukraine, reaching out to China. This is the steps on the road to a more international outlook and laying the ground work for the day when the rest of the world is entitled as it should be to vote in the

American presidential elections. Surely, logically, given that your president actually affects the world as much as he or she affects America, surely we should all, we should have some side. I'm not sure if Trump reaching out is actually a sign of creating greater friendships with the world. Like how do you view someone who is mean to you or it doesn't even show up unless they need a favor? Do you know what I mean? Like it's kind of suspect. Like with the China stuff, it's like aren't we in a trade war with them like I don't know if you know so war works

But in the middle of the war you can't be like a time out. You should do me a fair you can't stop Do you think so? You mean generally as a human being yeah What is what is happiness? When we can put that on, what would happen if there were no borders in the world? What is happiness? Imagine there's no heaven and earth. I just think that if you were happy, then you probably wouldn't be such a screaming jerk all the time.

Well, that is possible. But then, you know, maybe it is being a screaming jerk that makes him happy, isn't it? If he has no true understanding of friendship, then, right. But he has a true understanding of screaming jurkery. So, he's, as a true mastery of it, yeah, I would say, he may not understand the art, he may just have a great instinct. But then you're getting into the philosophical argument, isn't happiness or is it fulfillment? And as a screaming jerk, if he is achieving, you know, pretty much perfect marks, Nadia Kamonecchi is from the judges for his screaming jurkery. He's full, feeling

fulfilled as a screaming jerk, but as a screaming jerk, he's incapable of feeling the emotion of happiness. So is he happy? Well now I'm just visualising him trying to do a bar routine that Nadia Kamonecchi could have done at a peak. It's an arresting mental image. Yes. And he can't. What's, I mean, how's America reacted to this? This is quite bizarre. And they're asking China to investigate. And he seems to have been just be completely open about it

rather than trying to hide it behind a wall of secrecy. Do you think he's got like a fruit machine of like, what bullshit am I gonna do next? And which country am I gonna invageline to it? And it just happens to Paul Chyna. Chyna and Biden's. Yeah, yeah. That is the only possible explanation that makes sense of the last three years of American politics. Just see if you can e-bo one of those machines, Andy.

Right. Add to your collection of bullshit generators. I feel like his approach to this is like, you know how when you have a PC and you have a computer virus on it and things keep popping up and you can't close them faster than they pop up, that's essentially what he's doing. If you flood media with as much as possible at a rate that you can't cover, you can't react to anyone, you can't be angry, you're still on the previous story. So all of a sudden we're like, man, I can't believe this.

Did he have this conversation with Ukraine? He just said, what about China? And then you lose track of the Ukraine stuff. It's brilliant, actually. I worry a bit about what Ukraine thinks of all this because he's pretty much you know double-timing, two-timing them in front of their faces. Well, it's just classic kind of pick-up artist technique isn't it showing interest in someone else to get the Ukraine interested in you? Right. He's read the game. He's his government manual.

Right. Oh. He's read the game. He's his government manual. It is possible with China that he was just suffering from extreme parade envy. Because in the last week, China has celebrated the 70th birthday of the Chinese Communist Party with, I mean, it was absolutely spectacular birthday party.

I mean, did you get it at present? Hello. Oh, shit. Right. I'll put something in the present. Ellen, she's... Oh, shit. I'll put something in the post. Right, you do that. It's so hard to know what to buy. What to buy? You know, a large communist party on its 70th birthday.

There was no birthday cake. No, no birthday cake, but there was a huge parade with thousands of people doing things in alarming levels of unison and spectacular fireworks. I mean a spectacular fireworks display but the most spectacular fireworks were the ones that they just paraded around the intercontinental ballistic missiles that apparently could blast the living shit out of shit loads of cities in America. Are you excited by this prospect? Oh, I've pretty much having a proper authentic cold war back on. Oh, they've pretty much having a proper authentic cold war back on.

Oh, I'll put something with them. What? 80s revival. I just feel like all China is getting is like this trade, these tariffs and stuff. You know, like it hasn't actually been as brutal as the America has been with other countries like North Korea and around. Like when they like they like show this ballistic nuclear missile that's capable of reaching anti-missile defenses

to reach the US. And they're just showing it publicly. And part of me is thinking was North Korea like for real though? Like after all this you're cool with this. Like what do we have to do to get away with this? Make everything you use at an incredibly low cost using slave labor? Is that what it's going to take? That always helps.

I mean, it's just, and also it was weird because like President Xi talked about like peaceful development. Like they have this idea of one China, you know, with Hong Kong and Macau, like part of the fold. And he was talking about Macau, like part of the fold. And he was talking about, oh, we'd peacefully work together. And meanwhile, like, they're parading weapons around. Like, oh, yeah, we're totally gonna do this peacefully. Here's something that would destroy your stupid island.

It's like a cop holding a gun while saying, does anyone have suggestions on better policing? Anybody? Anybody? Anybody? From our point of view, here in Britain, we are all excited, looking forward to Brexit and ridding ourselves of the shackles of the oppressive, undemocratic European Union, and turning to countries like China instead, and they're expressed their freedom to parade giant nuclear missiles around their capital city on their birthday. And it's exciting. You know, you think about our post-Brexit trade future,

and we look at that parade in China, and we think those people know how to organize stuff. And you look at the French, and they're all lounging around, smoking jitan and having coffee and cafes all afternoon. Oh, no, no, we better off with Helen. Good lord Andy. I've changed. I think this is a dangerous road to go down. Britain has 70 billion pounds worth of trade with China every year, figure that's rocketed up in the last 20 years since 1999. One of course. We left the European Union and we're finally allowed to trade ourselves again. Oh, hang on, how's this working out? China is

our sixth largest export market, our fourth largest sort of imports. These deals range from telecoms equipment, cars and clothing to bullsemen. And all those kinds of trade deals that the EU has been preventing us from ever, ever making. So, bright new future. Of bullsemen trade. Nigel's news now. Oh, now this is a section we've not had on the bugle before. For once, not for our related either. This week, the world record was broken for the largest gathering of people called Nigel

in one place. 433 Nigel's met in a pub in Worcestershire to celebrate Nigelness and also to stop the name dying out because apparently in 2016 there were no new Nigels born. Right. But now there was a 7.2016, that is Brexit year and no new Nigels. I mean, you probably could have snuck in a Nigel maybe before about May. But there is a 7-month old called Nigel who was at the gathering so maybe the name is is gonna come back They said a man who changed his name from Nigel to Nile came and we convinced him to pull himself together

Have either of you ever been to a gathering of people with the same name as you? I've done a couple of gigs that only had one or two people and who might have been called Andy, so I guess it's possible. I'm part of a Twitter message group with the novelist, Hari Kunzuru and the PBS anchor, Hari Srinivasan. That's a great group. Yeah, yeah. Bloody good novelist.

We're all jealous of Hari Srinivasan because he has ad-hari on Twitter. Yeah, it's pretty bad. Why didn't you try and get him blocked and then you can have it? Oh, man. I was worried. Content against my heart. Content against my heart. Content against my heart.

My worry was that you were going to say, what if you got him killed and then there would be, and that's much more reasonable what you did. Marginally. My husband is Facebook friends with someone with the same first name and surname as him and it's a fun to see them interact. The only other Andy's ultimate I've ever heard about was a an American Jewish swimmer who swam for America in the Maccabee Games in the early 1980s. Wow. If you're listening, do email us in. Probably better as a swimming than you were.

Yes. Well, when we don't need to swim, we just wait for the trees to part and walk across. I thought there were no other Helen Zoltzman's, but the other day, I got an email that was a legal summons for another Helen Zoltzman, but it's bought with a nest not a zed. Oh, right.

But I'm really going with the shit to remain it. I'm just looking at the statistics on Nigel as a name in Britain. Back in 1963, five and a half thousand Nigel's. Peak Nigel? That was very much Peak Nigel. Mum was for ours, born? 64, he was born. Wow, so he was Peak Nigel.

So yeah, Nigel Farage was born in 1964. So this is what Farage can do. He can utterly destroy something just by his mere presence, that five and a half thousand Nigels in 1963. He's born in 1964, by 1970, it's down to two and a half thousand by 1980, 400, and now, well, it's three of them. Wow. I mean, that's an amazing effect that that man can have on stuff.

Since birth. I mean, at this point is the name ruined. I mean, because they're talking about the preservation of Nigels, but who's gonna name their kid Nigel now since Nigel Farage is there? It's just gonna be a bunch of assholes. And that means their kids are gonna be assholes. No, no, sorry, the kids can rebel.

Yeah, but if they rebelled, like if they truly rebelled, they'd go by their middle name or something. I feel like they would try to eliminate the Nigel presence. I just feel like are we talking about quantity of Nigels or the quality of Nigels? That's not being addressed in this Nigel convention. This should be one of the most philosophical vehicles we've ever had. It's also possible, given that the peak Nigel happened in 1963, I think that wasn't that

the year, or was that the year of the DH Lawrence court case, in which Lady Chattelese Love was allowed to be published, was very much. Are you suggesting that people were in such sexual spirit that the name Nigel was flourished? Yeah, well no, no, then it then once Britain became more sexually liberated, they stopped calling name Nigel was flurrest. Yeah, well no, no, then once Britain became more sexually liberated they stopped calling children Nigel. Were there any Nigelas at this? At this... I mean it's non-canonical isn't it?

How many Nigelas are there apart from Nigelalawson? And that also sounds like a Dolly 1970s film, 433 Nigelts and a Nigelah. Oh god, oh no! And apparently the Nigels had to wear name badges that said Nigel and then all the non-Nigels had to wear one saying non-Nigel. Oh my god. It's like 1930s Germany all over again, but less so. Druid news now and well, Nigels might be on the way down Helen but Druids are very much on the comeback trail here in Britain. Druids are doing great Andy apparently in the last decade Druid numbers have risen from three

thousands to over seven thousand according to the British Druid order and I wonder whether it's because now the British Druid order is offering online courses in becoming a Druid. So it's just a lot more convenient than it used to be. Yeah, I guess that is the way isn't it? Have you considered Druidism? Well, no. You live near a common, it'd be quite convenient. Yes. I also live near a synagogue and I haven't been there yet.

It's been 12 years I've lived where I live. Maybe some kind of half-way house between our Jewish heritage and become a Jewid. Jewage. What would that involve? Some mistletoe and some vinegars. Well, not eating bacon on the salt dish, I think. And they say a lot of it is young people because young people are interested in the environment and caring for nature and such.

Maybe they also like cloaks. Yep, everyone loves a cloak. I think the cloak is none the use garment these days. I'm a trouser fan, but I think... You can wear cloak and trousers and it's not aithy or all. Yes sir. In fact, it's very drafty. Is there a link between the rise of druidism and the Brexit vote?

I mean, is this a sign of Britain getting back to our true British selves? Because this country is going fine till the Romans flounced over here with their fancy foreign ways and started clamping down on the druid community. Yeah, they did. My druidism illegal. Yeah. Well, that's hung on till about 1,300. They taxed solstices.

They made everyone do Latin grammar lessons instead of human sacrifices and they banned hinging as well Yeah, now you're a grand wizard of words Helen. Thanks. It's called into your business card Can you use henge as a verb? Well, you just did Andy We went we went to sols we plain and we henged if you get it into print in Consistent enough use then eventually they might enter into the dictionary So so medal which is now used in athletics coverage as a verb. Yeah. You know he meddled. Yeah. With an AL rather than a DD. Yeah. Yeah because metaling would prohibit winning a metal win it. I guess so. How do you view that

linguistically? Well Andy, verbing nouns is a linguistic process, sold as linguistic processes. Yeah. So deal with it. What I don't like is adjectives being used as nouns, like advertising slogans which are like, find you're happy. Right. I feel like it's a banal in a way that's manipulating us into something that I'm not quite sure what it is. Right.

So nouning you're happy with as a verb. It's adequate. Right. I'm just saying, you might as well accept it. It's not new. Clearly, strange and inexplic you might as well accept it. It's not new. Clearly, strange and inexplicable cults have long been a part of British life. And if you're thinking about joining a cult at Bugles, it can be hard on which cult would suit you best to help you decide.

We're now going to have a quick multiple choice, psychometric test to give you the guidance you need to work at, which of these two classic British cults you should join. So here is our, are you a druid or a hard brexit here? here? Or neither we're gonna give you three questions and then analyze your results. So Question one it is the 20th of June you can feel a solstice brewing in your bones You just know it's on the way. So do you a put on a cloak strap a goat skull to your head start incanting to the sun and Prepare to commune with your fellow believers. Do you be call a radio phone in and then bark down the line about how Ramona said someone would never happen again after 2016, because the land will be engulfed in a permanent immutable darkness, then scream something about Greta Thunberg being a puppet of the big

wind lobby, strap a goat's guilty or crotch and prepare to perform a human sacrifice, or do you see, put the tele-on to check the cricket score. Question 2. You've been left alone in an empty cell with nothing but a rim of paper and a pen. Do you a, settle down to compose an epic poem exploring the deepest recesses of your own spirituality and the innate symbiotic bonds between nature and the human soul? Do you b, writer strongly worded, letter to the daily telegraph about how the e.u. didn't ever let you use pens because they contravene health and safety regulations apparently, then

write a banner with one big letter on each sheet of paper, spelling out the slogans, Brexit means whatever I tell you you Brexit means, St George makes me horny and justice for dead angry Doris, then show up the remaining paper to make a paper mache, effigy of an immigrant, stab it with the pen repeatedly while shouting, I cannot be held responsible for this, then perform a dirty protest and complain, and I suppose I'm going to have to clear this up am I? Or do you see, write out your all-time greatest cricket elevenths made up of players beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Are you noting your answers down, Buegles?

And finally question three, you're released from the cell. You'll then introduce the Nigel Farage. What do you do? A, walk past him, muttering you're not a real shaman, and go to spend some time with the tree. Do you B, ejaculate? Or do you see, lock yourself back in the cell and start writing out your all-time greatest cricket elevenths made up of players with each number of letters in their surnames from

4 to 10, and then another team with players whose surnames were 11 letters or more. So note your answers down. If you answered mostly A, then you are a druid. If you answered mostly B, you are a hard-Brexit team. In fact, you are quite possibly Mark François. And if you answered mostly C, you are me. Final, a quick bit of Britain news. Boris Johnson, our Prime Minister, has presented a new solution to the island border issue, which is essentially to be honest, that would make way more sense than what he has suggested, which is to have two borders for four years in places that aren't the border, essentially, as far as I can make out. I mean, we see we're continuing to wrestle with the unfolding legal difficulties of our

SNAP Vegas vote in 2016, presided over by Elvis Presley. We're still seeing how this pans out August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, August, have you been watching that enthusiastically? No, but I do like athletics because it's not teams. It's individuals and individuals. Yes. Going about their business, suffering their own personal heartbreak. That is what I appreciate. And I also appreciate how pole vault you can tell instantly whether someone has succeeded or not. Yes. That's a good sport. Right. That's a, it's too binary for me. I like the more shades of grey and my success and failure. A quick question for both of you. Why was Doha in Qatar awarded the World Athletic Championships in the first place?

And you have to try and answer this question without using the phrase, Shitloads of Dirty Money. You can't do it. Oh, merit! In Heavy Inverted Commerce. In Incorrect. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's uh bugle Helen Delightful to have you back thanks for having me back on the show you are touring America imminently with the illusionist as of next Wednesday yes uh go to the illusionist.org

such events to find out where the show is in a place proximal to you. There you go. Uh harry any any shows you'd like to alert our listeners to? Yes, I'm going on a big tour in the fall. So the three of you who have said, I'd love to see you perform. Here's some days. October 10th in North Hampton, Mass at the Academy of Music. I'm in the Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island,

the 11th and 12th, the comedy club of Kansas City, Missouri, on October 25th and 26th, the Ann Arbor comedy club on November 1 and 2, Dallas, Hyenas, November 8 and 9, and then a Wisconsin tour. Ooh. Because people want to see me in Wisconsin, apparently. I couldn't get a venue in Wisconsin, so they must f***ing love you. I got all three of the venues. I'll be at O'Clair, Wisconsin on the 20th, the comedy on state club, my favorite club in the country,

on the 21st to the 23rd, and then Milwaukee at the back room at Colotivo Coffee, which has been a dream for me to perform in the back room of a coffee shop. It's like really living your reality by its best life. Yep. Once you've bought your tickets for all of those shows and the live Googles on Monday and Tuesday in Glasgow,

a new castle, you can also buy tickets for the Certified History of 2019, my end of year review show at Soho Theatre, details on Soho Theatre's website. That's it from the Bugle this week. We will now play you out with the lies about our premium subscribers. If you want to join the voluntary subscription scheme go to the Bugle Podcast.com and click the donate button. Chris Music Blitz

Paul Thomas has begun to take a crystal decanter with him wherever he goes, plonking it on the table at meetings and filling it with goat's milk before eyeballing everyone else at the meeting and then downing it in one. For whatever reason, he's now enjoying the most successful phase of his career to date. Similarly, anonymous donor initials D.T. always takes a punitive crest to job interviews, places it on the table and says can you keep an eye on that please, I'm expecting something big to happen at any moment. Nick Kinseller was recently disappointed at a restaurant when after he ordered a single malt after dinner, a waitress came back with a Labrador which proceeded to shed its hair all over the table. Yes, that did actually happen.

Morton, Everson, Burland has never been sure exactly what the game quits involves, but assumes it is like a cross between Croquet, Table tennis, jousting, and shot put. Sorry, not assumes. Hopes. Kyle Cohen would like the Elizabethan Ruff to make a return as universal garb for all elected politicians, particularly in Britain. Kyle thinks the added formality of the Ruff think a little more responsibly about their words. At the moment, they look sensible but sound ridiculous, so if you make them look ridiculous, it logically follows that they would want to sound sensible.

No one wants to go two for two on that one, do they? Neil Carr adds that the 18th century wig might be over to your comeback too. It should stop politicians getting so angry. If they feel the flappy side bits of their wig flapping in their faces, they'll be reminded to calm down a bit. Adam Denning believes the freedom to be flippant, or as he calls it, glibbity, is one of the cornerstones of free speech and democracy. He would like to see a statue of glibity erected somewhere to remind us that our forebears sacrificed their lives for our right not to take things seriously enough. Testify.

Merlin Reynolds was disappointed at a childhood party many years ago, when, due to a misunderstanding on an order form, the scheduled balloon modeler did not turn up. Instead, a Berlin modeler came, and proceeded to horrify the children by twisting the bristly filter from the mouth of a whale into a series of admittedly amusing shapes. Anonymous donor, M.E. thinks the world could do with more aronjuries, rooms with fruit trees being of course conducive to the kind of meditative relaxation that has somewhat gone out of fashion on today's stroppy planet. They're like a more environmentally friendly conservatory, with added fruit explains Emmy. James Davies, however, isn't so sold on rooms based on other citrus fruits. A

pomelary would be less relaxing, thanks James, due to the potential implications of the much heavier pomellos splatting onto someone's head whilst they were having a snooze, whilst CUM QUOTTERY would simply be a distractingly silly-named place to try to have a productive sit down. David Zazo has never enjoyed the joke, what do you call a deer with no eyes, no idea, due to being unable to hear the quip without envisaging the true horror of life for an eyeless deer, particularly in the wild. Jim MacArthur is right with him on this one, and has taken to responding to the setup line, what do you call a deer with no eyes, with the punchline, a heart-rending tragedy that raises a lot of questions about human exploitation of the natural world and the ethics of venison farming.

And finally, Tom Quist had to laugh when he found himself earnestly making the claim that the word over exaggeration is the most fantastic word in the English language by a factor of at least 600%. Here end if the lies.