The Bugle - Bugle 4125 - Your Biggest Fears

Episode Date: October 12, 2019

It's been a scary news week, with a focus on some classic page fillers, from Tr*mp to Boris to Syria to, er, Elon Musk. Plus Andy, Alice and Chris reveal their biggest fears.Find Chris's new show, Richie Firth: Travel Hacker wherever you get your podcasts Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bughlers and welcome to Issue 4,125 of the Bughal Audio newspaper for Avis World. This week's show has recorded live at the Stand Comedy Club in Newcastle on Tuesday 8 October, in the rather ridiculous year of 2019.

With a decade careering towards its end, wondering what on earth it's done with itself, and hopefully, why? So if some parts of the show seem already a little out of date, do not blame me. Blame the unstoppable march of time, and above all blame this planet and the people who live there of whom I am admittedly one hands up no complaints, live and learn. They will also, after this, be a plug for a new show, Chris is producing. So Chris, crank up the bugle of Tron. So welcome to the bugle, I think very much for coming. And what I particularly enjoyed so far in the show

was the surprised silence when the announcement was made earlier on that this show was a full house. And... Apologies to any long-term Zoltzman fans or indeed people who've come to see me at this venue before. Who are expecting to have a couple of tables to themselves, or maybe stretch out along a row of seats at the back, behind the curtain, they usually used to corden off the back.

So, welcome to The Bugle. This is the Bugle Live doubling up as issue 4,125 of the bugle. Who listens to the bugle regularly? Yes, thanks for coming. Who has never listened to the bugle? Well, I do hope you enjoy it. There may be certain parts of the show that are slightly confusing. For example, when people shout this to Chris. for example, when people shout this to Chris. F**k! F**k, you buglers. Anyway, I'm sure there's details of that on the internet.

It's now time to introduce your co-host for tonight. And we are going to democratise this. I'm going to let you, the people of Newcastle, choose your bugle co-hosts for tonight from the following shortlist, option A, home secretary Dominic Rab. Three-time winner of floundering idiot of the year from Unsuitable for Office Monthly magazine. Option B, the former Scottish World Snooker champion,

Graham Dot, but in full match mode, recreating his 2004 World Snooker Final lost to Ronnie O. Sullivan, so he'd just be sitting quietly in a chair in the corner shaking his head and occasionally sipping water. Option C, the disinterred corpse of St. Sigisman de Burgundy! Ooh, a few fans of 6th Century Saints in. Option D, Mike Ashley! The owner of Newcastle and the United Football Club managed to rename your stadium to, I think it was suspiciously cheap football stadium. Or option E. Alice Fraser.

There we go. We have a democratic mandate. Here she is. Hello. Hello, Andy. Hello, Buglers. Hello, Chris. I'm so flattered that you voted for me, but I don't trust you. You can't be trusted with a vote. So we are recording on the 8th of October, 2019. Yesterday, the 7th of October was a historic day. In history, is anyone know what it was the anniversary of? You're birthday. No, that was the 6th of October, but thank you very much. Thanks for all the presents, guys.

One, when you have bought tickets to this shirt, I guess that counts. Anyway, so we'll give him a crowd. He'll won't be expecting it. He'll be willing to look at this place. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You know, you've made it in showbiz when you... Let's just end up heckling yourself.

LAUGHTER Um... So, uh, in the 7th of October, uh, of course, famous anniversary, it wasn't in fact the anniversary of the first day in history. Um... Don't take it from me, take it from the Hebrew calendar. Um... The first day the Hebrew calendar has been calculated to be the 7th of October,

3,761 BC. Now I am a lapsed Jew, but I stick with the calendar. If not entirely the diet as the half-eaten hotdog in the dressing world, that's fine. But yeah, that was the beginning of time. The 7th of October, 3,761 BC. Apparently, creation began about a year after that, which doesn't slightly raise the question, what the fuck was he doing in that year?

Gap year. LAUGHTER I explained why things went so f**king mental when he actually got around to it. Perhaps if he'd spent that year creating, rather than trying to cram it all in, look, I'm not wanting to criticise people for leaving everything to the last minute and hacking something together desperately, but

anyway fair place to the lad. Also today, 8th October, no. Oh, no. So we're... What are your fears, Andy? My fears are, well, I have a number of fears, the shortening of cricket matches. LAUGHTER I mean, seriously, what the f*** is going on with that? That's the whole point of cricketers. It gives you essentially a week off.

I don't want two and a half hours off from the horrors of reality. I want to fall five f***ing days. Or a bit seaming around on day one, three f***ing days. So, I also have a fear of seeing Father Christmas eating from a long narrow open container. Claus Trophobia. Oh, oh, no. Oh, way too early.

Well, you open the floodgates with your f***ing fact, Alice. Just saying they usually need about 95 minutes of four play before you can get into the puns. I'm afraid of clowns, but not clowns, quite clowns. Specifically, their inability to measure things properly. Like, that's not how big your mouth is. Do you make up properly? That's not how big your feet are. That is certainly not how big a car is meant to be. And can the modern millennial clowns stop pretending to be real comedians, please? Just because you've been to clown school in France doesn't make you a

comedian. You're a mutant mashup of improvisational jazz, mime, combining all the bleak cynicism of interpretive dance and all the sociopathic self-absorption of a baby. It's all the worst forms of art. I'm sorry. Some of my best friends are clowns but I'm also afraid of aeroplanes, not flying in aeroplanes, I'm afraid of their creepy faces in their stupid flat arms and the way they sneak up behind you at bus stops and ask you to take selfies with them. See, I told you that wasn't going to work. And you just giggled and said, do it.

Yeah, but I knew it would get this reaction, but I didn't get it reaction. Chris, what are your fears? The scariest thing for me is overly dry old towels. Are you listening, Syria? You just touched them. We've all got problems. Seriously, that's a ****ing horror show to me. Why? Just, ah, fill them, fill one. Right, is this why you took up a sport

that involves cycling for 25 miles to get dry? Any other fears, Chris? Other than the obvious sort of like dying young in a burning fire, drowning, falling over, pants down in front of people, and having a burning fire, drowning, falling over, pants down in front of people, and having a goatie that I can't remove, no? If all those happen at once, that's going to be one hell of a show. My biggest fear is this will be the pinnacle of my career.

Not generally the case for people who work with me. Also, today. Yes, happy world octopus day, Andy. It's not just a day. It is one day as a part of Sephir-L-A pod week, which is very exciting to me. I, for one, am looking forward to the process of celebrating the long-standing relationship we have with our subacquatic

egg-ed allies. Since the Mutual Non-aggression Pack of 1874, the noble octopus has lived in peace alongside the human race, offering technology and farming equipment in our times of strife. I love an octopus, Andy. I think they're smart. They're pretty and they're sneaky and they're cooler than a high school dropout in a leather jacket. Now, I know whenever we have World Octopus Day, we have a lot of angry people on Twitter asking when it's going to be National Dolphin Day, to which I say April 14th. But every day, it's about time we acknowledge that despite dominating a lot of aquatic press and oceanic history, Dolphins aren't as good as they cracked up to be and hashtag

not all Dolphins, but a lot of them are rapists. LAUGHTER Well, for World Octopus, you were entitled legally to take a Kepler pod to work, so I do hope you took advantage of that. And we have some octopus now, Octopus Facts. Now courtesy of the Conservative Party, which is providers, government octopus facts. Many people believe that the name octopus means eight feet, government octopus facts, many people believe

that the name octopus means eight feet, but in fact it means get Brexit done. Octopus has three hearts, which is approximately three more than the average human being. Octopus is also have large tentacles that keep growing and can worm their way into pretty much anything and then squeeze it to death. Remind you of anything bruffles! Octopus is able to change the color of their skin. Don't even go there, we're already confused enough. You being a Tory is probably my favourite version of you. Really? Some sections of the Beagle are going, where new castle?

I said they're going, where? Congratulations. Congratulations. That is the correct answer. Also in the bin this week is the new or bugle audio comic strip section where I will read out from an imaginary audio newspaper the comic strips section. In the Wizard of Id this week, the Wizard is in his workshop and the King walks

in the Wizard's Busy, the King says, I need your help, then the Wizard says, I'm sorry, I identify as someone who can't help you. You see, it's funny because the running joke of the Wizard of Isid that itze that everyone isn't very nice. In this week's Hega, the horrible Hega's with his wife, and she's wearing a flower in her hair. She says, Heyga, I was thinking we could have a date night

and you could sweep me off my feet. And then he goes, I need to get back into shape. And she says, so you can impress me. And he goes, no, so I don't put my back out trying to sweep you off your feet. Get it? Because the long runningrunning joke of Heger is that he hates his fat wife. Which is either a commentary on the double standards of attractiveness that men hold about women or a perpetuation of those same double standards.

Then we have this week, Prince Valiant, which I didn't read. Something happened. I didn't read last week, and I won't read this week. And really, installments in a serial ought to be modular, at least relatively self-contained on a narrative level. So I'm replacing Prince Valiant with a bugle special comic in which we have the first panel. There's a giant squid in a shoe shop,

and the shoe shop attendant, who's a slightly smaller giant squid in a shoe shop uniform. And then the giant squid says, do you do half sizes? Yeah. Because that's the thing about comic strips. They're always like the first half of a bad joke

being told badly by a taxi driver. Yeah. There's also a bugle special bugle comic strip in which in the first panel Andy walks in and goes cricket, cricket, cricket, like a Pokemon whose name is Cricket because Pokemon can only say their own name. In the second panel, Andy turns on the television and you see John Oliver on the screen and then Andy presses the remote control and the

channel changes to cricket and Andy sighs and goes, ah, cricket. So that's the inaugural Vuegel audio comic-strict section in the bin. That was, sir. Not just the bugle comic ship, also the storyboard for my forthcoming biopic. Right, it's time for Top Story this week! And uh... Well, we have to talk about this, how it's relatively Brexit. The Brexit talks are on the brink of collapse. It's pretty much like Hadrian's wall is on the brink of collapse. It's basically collapsed a f*** of a long time ago.

No deal Brexit was, according to no lesser source of boroughs Johnson himself, a million to one shot just weeks ago. And it's now charging up to the elbow entry with the jockey standing on the saddle, spraying a machine gun at all the other horses still in the right. In case you've missed the negotiations, this week essentially involved the UK saying to the EU, here's an obviously unworkable non-solution, the EU saying, well, it's obviously unworkable. UK saying, what is your problem with obviously unworkable solutions? The EU saying, well, it's obviously unworkable. UK saying, what is your problem with obviously unworkable solutions? That EU saying, well, they're obviously unworkable.

And the UK saying, you're letting down the people of Britain who voted for a f***ing unworkable solution. That EU saying, it's not what they voted for, and the UK saying, f*** you! So I hope I've filled in the gaps for them. And if you, who missed it, Boris Johnson's plan for the RS border, seemed to feature, I think it was two borders for four years Johnson's plan for the Irish border seemed to feature, I think it was two borders for four years, essentially, near the actual border.

Was it one border for eight years? I don't know if that was the compromise, or maybe it's half a border for 16 years, or a chap in a portaloo shouting, hold, who goes there for the next 100 years. It kind of works out roughly the same mathematically, and it's some... It's all, I mean, I guess the Irish border analysis, one of those kind of Brexit-related matters that no one could possibly have foreseen might be slightly problematic. Because it's easy to say with the benefit of hindsight, or indeed foresight, or I think Boris Johnson now calls it preemptive hindsight.

I mean, say what you like about Brexit. Or I think Boris Johnson now calls it preemptive hindsight. I mean, say what you like about Brexit. What I do. I think a basic proposal was for some kind of homeopathic border, which is some traces of the original border, but only utter lunatics since it still works the same. The other government plan is to just appeal to British smugglers' sense of fair play. It's basically how corporate taxation works. I've heard it. Brexit never has so much hot air lifted so few balloons.

LAUGHTER The Scottish Secretary, Elis De Jack, it... That's so sorry, sorry, Elis, that is just a beautiful phrase. LAUGHTER At the Conservative Party conference, Scottish Secretary, Elis De Jack called fears of no deal Brexit leading to severe delays at cross-channel ports. Absolute nonsense, saying, business will find a way through. Which is simultaneously admitting the government doesn't have a solution to the problem.

It's creating a beautiful expression of his faith in market forces to work their way around the government's failures. And also a worrying paraphrase of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park. Saying life will find a way. Well, I'm not saying that dinosaurs are going to eat European imports at the British border, but I'm also not saying they won't. We all know raptors can open doors that customs laws try to close. And are you also saying they'll still be pumping out sequels in decades from that? Boris Johnson said that this was a genuine attempt to bridge the chasm

while still standing with a massive spade with which he's dug the chasm. But also, I think many people would say when you're on one side of a chasm, before you start building a bridge, maybe think what might be on the other side before you just build a bridge into a chasm before you start building a bridge. Maybe think what might be on the other side before you just build a bridge into a chasm. Boris Johnson told Laura Kunsburg of the BBC, if only we could all come together, Phoevers would cool. She was reminiscent of the English soldier who helpedfully suggested to Joan of Arc that she take a layer off. LAUGHTER Um... If she was getting a little bit toasty whilst pouring petrol all over her already overdone

steak and blasting her with a flown thrower. Now, there are certain historical details that they are inaccurate in that, but it's 2019, it's Britain, history's what the f*** you want it to be. So... Never has the phrase, if we all come together, sounded less sexy. LAUGHTER But also, these appeals to bring the country... Three, two, one. Very stressful. Deep...

I'm... I'm quite skeptical of these appeals to bring Britain. Who would like Britain to be brought together? No, no, no. But I mean, also, these appeals to bring Britain. Who would like Britain to be brought together? No, no, no. No, no, no. But I mean, also, it's kind of meaningless. You know, that, I think, probably said on this podcast, but there's only one thing

that has ever brought Britain together as a nation. That is the Luftwaffe. And I don't think, I don't want to be digging that out of its world-deserved retirement. But essentially, what they're hoping seems to be that eventually Britain will gradually fall in love with itself in a kind of national stock home syndrome. Kind of all tell you're...

Can you have an all-terrotic stock home, anyway? Let's not go into that. LAUGHTER And also, the conservative sticking with Boris Johnson as a leader through all this, to me is like keeping a pet's crocodile that has eaten six of your children, because you'd like the fact that your neighbours are always peering into your garden to see what's going

on. Just like the attention. Michael Gove, how does he just add that noise to the end of his name? Michael Gove, God rest his soul, if it's ever located. He said this, we in this government have compromised, we in this government are showing flexibility, which is, you know, the kind of compromises, the kind of compromising hostage negotiations when you've offered to slightly turn up the radiator that you've changed your hostage to. And the flexibility is that of a glutton who's ordered 20 portions of 9 chicken nuggets instead of 30 portions of 6 chicken nuggets. I mean, you have to look to the people for the arguments for Brexit. For example, Dorian Smith from Leicestershire gave a moving speech about how she's waiting for the EU to get out of her way so she can broker an exclusive trade deal with China for homemade weapons-grade uranium.

That's the future. We'll all make our own trade deals. Gov continued faced with a delaying disruptive and denying taxes of the opposition. We say, this is in Parliament, we say on behalf of the 17.4 million enough enough enough we need to leave. And it is important to remember where we stand as a nation. We are just we the United and we are just a tiny humble nation of 17.4 million people. Roughly the size of Zambia or Guatemala, but so much higher up the Olympic medal table, which shows what an amazing nation this 17.4 million people are.

Well, I'm not sure how many of them actually won a medal, given that they're mostly post-athletic age. I do not believe that you have not done that now. I do not believe that you have not done that now. I do not believe that you have not done that now. Get Brexit done, of course. I mean, that's the mantra of this nation at the moment. Also the official slogan of the Conservative Party Conference.

Recently, get Brexit done. It narrowly divide to the other contenders for Tory party slogan conference, including one nation, one ditch to die in. And alone make it unafraid. I get, well, let's do this this way. Are you enjoying Brexit? Are you enjoying the Hong Kong China crisis? No. Are you enjoying environmental armageddon? No.

Well, in which case you were probably sitting at home thinking, you know what would really make my world is a real flare-up in the Syrian crisis. LAUGHTER Well, all your Christmases came once this week as Donald Trump announced that he would be pulling US troops out from the border area of Syria, thus essentially paving the way for Turkey

to launch its long-threatened invasion of the largely Kurdish-rug region. Although it's fine, don't worry because Donald Trump himself tweeted, if Turkey does anything that I, these are his exact words. In my great and unmatched wisdom, he has fully turned into an old Testament God. In everything other than the fact that sadly he actually exists. Although, if Turkey does anything that I am my great and I'm my swissdom consider to be off limits

I will totally destroy and obliterate the economy of Turkey brackets I've done before explanation on So there it is there I'm talking about that Thanksgiving Oh God, I mean, in my great and unmatched wisdom, I mean, I mean, I have all the crazy things that he said in his Twittering career. It's hard to be optimistic about this, a yn ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymwch ar ymw The prospects are finding a peaceful solution, not great. I mean, it's like going on a three-week camping holiday with Giotto, Michelangelo and Raphael, and expecting the conversation at no point to touch on interior decorating. That's a little joke for any fresco fans in tonight.

Or it's like getting Hulk Hogan Big Bird from Sesame Street and 1960s One hit wonder and self-styled God of Hellfire, Arthur Brown, together for a two-day workshop and expecting them to develop commercially viable teleportation. It is very unlikely to work and it's probably going to end up getting very messy indeed. Yeah, I could want to very much enjoy the next installment of this long-running, will they, won't't they American imperialism, soap opera Trump is playing.

He's ordered withdrawal of US troops from the border of Syria, because we all know the one thing better than using your military might to interfere with international human rights abuses is to play with committing your forces, like a 53-year-old cocaine addict plays with committing to his promise of finally leaving his wife to be with his one true secretary. LAUGHTER Should we move on to the writing section?

Yes, in writing news now. Let's give it a jingle. Chris. There we go. It's just a shame to have that facility and not use it. Sorry. Writing news, Alice. In writing news now, Taiwan and China have gone to war on Wikipedia. Much, as my Wikipedia page regularly has to be locked

to prevent people engaging in bugle-based bullshitery. Taiwan's location on Wikipedia has been regularly switching between a state in East Asia and a province in the people's Republic of China. Look, Andy, they say that history is written by the victors, but also why not short-circuit the whole winning process and just change your Wikipedia page? You can say you are, for example, the most beloved Australian comedian, or the best most successful and attractive president in the history of

America, for example. I'm sure that would work, slash, has already worked for someone. LAUGHTER Um... Um... He is an inverse Russian doll of f***ing tree. LAUGHTER Every time you think he's reached his limit, out pops and even bigger f***ing... LAUGHTER The um... I think he's doing very well for Perpiee Mache figurine of a human being

inhabited by the farts of a thousand dreams. You've got to stop eating cheese at bedtime. The Wikipedia page on the Hong Kong riots has apparently been edited 65 times in a single day. The Dalai Lama and Wikipedia, his description keeps changing from Tibetan refugee to Chinese exile, to spiritual leader, to total nobbs. Depending on whether or not the Chinese government has edited it last, Xi Jinping, similarly, described as oppressive authoritarian throwback with a nati line in parades, or absolute dreamboat. The Chinese Warren Beatty, the Communist Party General Secretary of our hearts, the Wayne Gretzky of Paramount Leaders, oh god yeah, I would.

He's an interesting Wikipedia factor, so fact I have a friend who's hobby is going on Wikipedia and when there's a picture of a thing he replaces it with his picture of that thing, so the picture on Wikipedia of a fridge is his fridge. That's not so bad. What a great hobby. Well, he said it's a great hobby but Alice, without wishing to be too endellicous. How far does he take this hobby? Wikipedia and find out I know that rash That which coincidentally is the title of Alice's new podcast

Oh, dear Oh dear. In other writing news, scientists are using light, that is, 10 billion times... 10 billion times... It's getting late. Scientists using light, 10 billion times brighter than the sun to decipher scrolls that were buried when Vesuvius erupted in the year 79 AD. Herculaneum, of course not as big or as famous as Pompeii, but actually better. It's like Magritte and

Dali all over again. I think quite a lot of hard jokes that I haven't met. Now they're using a device to get to the, because it's rolled up scroll to to work out what was written. Oh, that one it is. Yes Family show Alex now Alice's friends There are using a device called a synchrotron which is clearly made up but apparently It accelerates electrons to nearly the speed of light, yeah, right? So, so it can then emit light that's 10 billion times brighter than the sun, of course it's fucking can. 10 billion, oh bullshit is it anyway. Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?

It's obviously going to destroy you. This is scene one in a disaster movie that ends up with a hunky man in a tight-fitting t-shirt and a distractingly pretty woman not saying very much running away from her upping dinosaur. We know how this ends. The aim, apparently, is to reveal what's hidden in the scroll and uncover the secrets hidden ever since the celebrity volcano of Asuvius, quite literally blew its top in 79 AD, proved once again that volcanoes are stichlers

for paperwork if nothing else. So the machine can then be trained, so it can decide, you can work out the difference between papyrus and ink and then gradually decipher what was written. The chances are, as with most grunts, it's kind of Monday and everyday stuff, like how much wine, quintus, drank on the average Tuesday.

How many amperate of grain, flockiest has eaten since he supposedly went on his diet after the satan alia. How many carthaginians it takes to change an oil lamp? brain flockious as eaten since he supposedly went on his diet after the satan alia. How many carthaginians it takes to change an oil lamp? The old ones are the best. What I'm hoping, as someone who studied Latin, is unpublished poems by the Racy Poetry Megastar Catullus. Now Catullus, personal hero of mine,

but Anne of Alice's older shoe, the lived in the first century BC, and he wrote a poem that was so incredibly filthy, so grandmother dissolvingly rude, that no English translation of it was published until the 1990s. That is over 2,000 years of filth. In one poem here is in the original Latin,

Peter Carbovo said Iru Marbo are already pethycae at Kineide Furi. Translation, I will... FURIES You in the... FURIES And... FURIES

Or really as you... FURIES In... FURIES You absolute... FURIES Who likes to... FURIES or really as you, ing, and furious you absolute, who likes to ... his in the

so it's pretty strong stuff it's like it's like Donald Trump's internal monologue but more so. He was also... Yeah, if you tell us also very famously wrote the poem beginning, they see me scrolling, they're hating. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Tess DeFair. He was also a capable of amazingly beautiful poetry catalys, such as this line he wrote to a girl he fell in love with. Kulu's Tibi Puriore, Salalo Est, Nettocao dequeous, Nettocao dequeous, Kakasinano, wonderful rhythms, sumptuous language, and expression of the greatest human emotion that rings true to this very day.

Translated, it means your arses purer than a saltseller. You probably only take a shit 10 times a year. LAUGHTER Those crazy Romans. They conquered the world. It would work on me. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Transport news now. And, well, we all love transport. And, uh, this week week Elon Musk has unveiled his star. Is he the half brother of Michael Gove? He just has the face of a man in a police sketch of a man. What was he all description of Musk that you did last year? Oh. What was your description of Barsk that you did last year? I said he was a baby's idea of a grown-up. He's got all the money and ambition and talent in the world and he's using it to send cast to space

like the Wang fantasy of nerds that wish they were brave enough to be us Holes. I mean... fantasy of nerds that wish they were brave enough to be us, Holes. I remember anything I learned at school. Remember weird jokes I told you. Musk has unveiled his Starship, which he plans to use to blast massive crews into deep space because why not, other than all the reasons why not. Starship, as you can see, is a rocket based on what people thought rockets should look like in 1950's cipher market. It looks like a child's drawing of a rocket. Or a dildo.

I just like Elon Musk. He's got all the ambition and innovation of a latter-day Copernicus without the leveting influence of being accused of heresy by the ruling church. I'm constantly torn between admiration of his incredible achievements and wanting to give him a wedgie for being so smug about them. I think Copernicus was, he was, he had a choice between, he had a choice yeah we had a choice between a choice in excommunication and a big wedgie oh forget we need a bit anyway musk's other rival the sci-fi partner Pilar snorke this week he he's muscled in on the same

territory he's launched his new moon javelin or javeloon it's a one kilometer so one kilometer it's a one kilometre... It can be Jart. It's a one kilometre long, three metre high space spear that will wang people to the moon from a launch facility in the Atacama desert, model on the arm of the Czech Three-Tarm Olympic Javallin champion, Janz Alesni. LAUGHTER Snorks also place to develop a new supersonic hot air balloon powered by an on-board evolcano and a mega giant hand taxi which is a 300 metre high robot giant called Errol with extendable 10 kilometre arms that will pick commuters up in his giant pour and then gently drop them

off at their chosen destination. That's a fact. Um... BELL RINGS Right, have we got time for the dating soon? No. No. I'm not the baddie. Time. Time is a f***. If you were a f*** you time.

If you weren't the baddie, why would there be the saying, f***ing Chris? Oh God, I'm the baddie! No time! Um, dating news now. I'm slightly out of the loop on dating. I've been with my wife for 23 years, which was something of a relief, because when I was younger, I was at trouble finding love, and in particular finding people to perform love on me. And no, no.

I'm a terrible, terrible woman. I can go blue on a knee too, which is never. In dating news, now, Tinder has launched a post-apocalyptic choose your own adventure game. It's called Swipe Night, and it is being marketed as an interactive digital experience. I am impressed that they've managed to spin this as a game on Tinder, rather than admitting that Tinder itself is a post-apocalyptic choose your own adventure game. After each release of a chapter in the game, Tinder members can display three of the choices

they made in their profile and the app, and that's presumably to act as a conversation starter. I can think of only a few ways in which that would function as a conversation starter. One is, oh hey, you have no critical faculties either. You can't recognize a cynical PR move on the part of a company who commodifies the process of human interaction. And me too, want to f***ing. Or hey, do you ever feel like this whole swiping people on superficial cues processes a way to deeply embedded damaging subliminal message that people are disposable and cultivate the creeping suspicion that you two are disposable?

No, cool, let's walk. I missed out on all the dating apps, obviously, not Tinder. I just love the fact that you, you, of all the comedians in this industry, cite the fact that you've been married for like 20 plus years as a reason that you haven't been dating. That is so sweet. Anyway, I had started writing prongs about Premier League football teams. And so we want to summon them more absolute f***ing gold. Do the gold ones go on and aim?

If you support the independent podcast of the bugle financially and you will have more time to perpetrate abominations on the English language. Oh well, yes, so I mean, yeah, anyway, I had a friend. I had a friend who's obsessed with Premier League football teams. I heard him talking to his old Miss, they were quite old and they heard him talk to his Miss. They were reminiscing about the 1960s and he recalled the brinkmanship of the Cold War, meeting his wife and the assassination of the younger Kennedy brother. So the subjects were Newcastle, you and I, Ted. LAUGHTER

Um, he used to relax at the end of the day by curling up on the sofa, having a nip of whiskey, and a couple of knuckles of pork. Then he would admit a contented noise like a stroked cat, a real Tottenham hocks per. LAUGHTER a contented noise like a stroked cat, a real Tottenham hocks per. LAUGHTER And you doubted yourself. We had this bizarre, slightly bizarre thing about tennis players in the 1970s, and he used to make plus-per-scene models of their facial features. He had a Billie Jean King nose, a Martina Navratel over here, and a Chris Everton.

Everton. Right. But he always ate all his food, particularly when he had pork-based products,, he didn't want to waste ham, waste ham. Waste ham. Alright. It's alright. But he was a bit picky about some of the things he ate. Sossi's rolls, for example. He wasn't a fan of the cheap meat, not going to eat anything made of animals, arses and facial features.

We'll not eat anything with an ass tongue filler. Yes, sir! APPLAUSE Right. made of animals, arses and facial features will not eat anything with an ass tongue filler. Right, we're done, we're done. That's it, that's it Chris, that is it. That is it. That's it. The full... Thank you. Right, thanks.

We're done, no more puns. No, look at the... Look at the smile on his face and I've finished the puns. He's really brightening up. I don't even know what's happened. Oh, f***ing. Right, so thank you very much for coming and paying for the tickets. I know some of you don't have a huge amount of money to spare. You're Norwich. You're Norwich. It's never over. Sorry. That's it.

You can hear the full version of that at some point in the future. Anyway, thank you, Newcastle. I've been an absolute delight coming here to the stand. As always, they've got some great tall shows coming up here, so I do support them as well. And please show your appreciation for producer Chris. And the Magnificent, Alice Fraser. I've been Andy Goodnight.

There you go. That was the Bugle Live for the first time from Newcastle. There will be more Bugle Live shows in 2020 details to come over the next few weeks, assuming this planet has not fully snapped in half by then. Tickets are already on sale for my end of year review show 2019, The Cert of Hyrule History at the Soho Theatre, Details and Tickets on the Soho Theatre's website. The show will be on at 7.30pm from the 16th to the 21st of December, then also on the 27th, 28th and 30th before wrapping up in a whole new decade on the 2nd, 3rd and 4th of January.

To conclude this week's Bugle Festivities, here are some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them, go to the Bugle website and click the donate button. Music please. [♪ Music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, from defunct ancient religions, popping back to see what's going on in the world these days. It is Brendan's own theory and he simply isn't buying it. Many years ago, a relative of Chris Gray, we will not specify at which one, made a scarecrow with a brain of spelt and oats as a private experiment. It was stolen by some men in a van with dark and windows, and 30 years later, Donald Trump became president. Trump has never denied that the scarecrow is in fact him, draw your own conclusions. On which subject, anonymous donor initials CW, is puzzled that no moderate Republicans have suggested that a compromise could be reached regarding Trump's border war, in which a large trellis, 3000 kilometres long, is erected instead,

festooned with simply the prettiest flowers, it might just take the edge off things, failing at a hedge. Owen Alexander had read about the BBC Children's TV series The Wombles, but having never actually heard the title of the show, said out loud, had assumed it was pronounced The Wombles, and was a radical feminist puppet show about giant wombs marauding around London, writing the wrongs of thousands of years of patriarchy. Monica Mielka heard about Owen's mistake and has begun crowdfunding money to make that very show.

Monica Reckon's $15 million should be enough to get it off the ground and it would be the greatest show ever made. And after all, the clangers were clearly based on, as the French would say, a gentleman's plonkulimot, Icaronadine, so it would just be balancing things out. Christopher Gantner thinks he is on the verge of developing a new recipe for mashed potatoes that does not require violence. Instead, gentle persuasion, a warming rug by the fire, and a bit more butter will work just as well, and be way more ethical than boiling the bastards

alive and crushing them like a vengeful hippopotamus. Kay Verde has been thinking about what Britain could manufacture to boost its post-Brexit economy, and thinks there are gaps in the global market for vegan taxidermy kits, rocket propelled unicycles, and retro artisan handmade 19th century style mohogany encased nuclear weapons. Matt Beerman is a bit of a stickler for linguistic accuracy, and having heard that Fridge was short for refrigerator will only use his Fridge for things that have been previously cold. To cool things down that have never been cold before, he would like to buy a frigerator or as he abbreviated an inch. Tora Nash, Pitties British volcanologist, who have to go overseas to get any decent quality

work. She considers that it must be like being a Venezuelan cricket star, or a Moratonian Penguin breeder, or a L stinian, evil military genius. And finally, Deborah Swain has a couple of linguistic suggestions to make. If a significant personal resentment often played out in a public domain is called a beef, then a small petty secret grievance should be called a veal. She also thinks that the person at the bottom centre of a motorcycle pyramid should be called a pharaoh. Here end if the lies and now a plug for Chris's new show.

Hello, Buglers. It's producer Chris here. I have a new show out. Please, please listen. It's that take me a year to make. I've made it with my friend Richie Firth. He is a funny man and essentially this show is me and him, principally him really, going places because he thinks he can do it better than you. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's so stupid. Here's a little clip of it. Could you please, please, listen. It's in Apple podcasts, it's in Spotify, it's in all those other places. And it's probably, if you're, if you're in the entire app right now, then you'll see a link. Thanks, bye, love you.

We are three miles now from Clacket Lane, one of the oldest services on the M25 and certainly the one with the funniest name. What's so funny about Clackett? I always thought Clackett sounds like the old 1970s Charles Toy Clackers which was obviously back in the old playgrounds, obviously code for something, right? Code for what? Bullbacks. Did you have that? All bags, yes. No, the old clackers. You get that, you know, the old clack of all, clack, clack, clack. Yeah.

That was, that was Bollocks with him. Was that my school, anyway? So whenever I pass clack it lane services, I just see a couple of bullbags. And now sow with everyone.