The Bugle - Bugle 4126 - Silk and Linen

Episode Date: October 19, 2019

Trumps' letter to Erdogan, Kim on a horse, blob news and Britain spewing effluent - it's The Bugle's 12th birthday! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 4,126 of the world's most trustworthy source of untrustworthiness, the Buegl I, and the results and joining me in the audio pages of this week's audio newspaper are no-time Nobel Prize winner Alice Fraser. Hehehehe. Well, that's got a sting, isn't it? That basically makes you a de facto war monger. Yes Andy, I'm inventing weapons of mass destruction as we speak. Right good. Also joining us from India, it's the Mumbai monsoon mopper himself.

Anivapal. Hello Andy, hello Alice. Hello Anivap. How's the monsoon season been for you? This you understand it's very much like the party conference season here in that it's now coming to an end and has left behind a bit of a mess. And everyone involved is suspiciously moist. Ha ha ha ha ha! Well at least your Brexit situation has an end.

It appears the Indian one soon does not. And maybe we need to meet with the Antlodianer and the European Union and shake hands to end this monster because I'm also supposed to end Andy Alice in the month of August. We are now in October and it's still pouring rain. So if you have any solutions for us, for me specifically, I'm all ears. I mean if the sky is crying and this works on my, on my knees, tell it's sternly to stop. Say, behave yourself or we won't read a book. That's what works for me, so. Does it work on the sky? Yes, that's why there's such a strong drought situation in Australia.

We are recording on the 18th of October. This week we celebrate 12 years of podcast. The bugle was born 12 years ago during the business end of the 2007 rugby world cup of course. When a series of phone calls between me and John Oliver, in which we innocently discussed global events, were hacked by New Zealand National and published online. My memory is a little lazy of those times. Now 12 years on and almost, and this really puts in perspective how long this podcast has been going, almost every dog that was alive to curl up at its own us a feat and listen to that first episode is dead. Thank you, time, you dog slank,

shithead. Someone has listened to this show now who's dog digested today. Well, yeah, age 12. Well, Andy, for the 12th year anniversary of a wedding, the traditional wedding gifts are silk and fine linen. Well, well, isn't it lucky I put my special pants on this morning. And, Andy, if we are to make that kind of analysis, in 12 years, India's had seven prime ministers. I mean, in 12 years Australia's had about 48, so I don't know. Yeah, I'm not sure necessarily the world is better or worse than it was.

I certainly think it's, we've contributed to the overall sum of human ignorance. I think we can at least claim that. Today is also 168 years since Moby Dick was published. So you and Moby Dick share an anniversary? That's, I mean, that is perfect. Just a grumpy old man chasing something that doesn't exist. And which one of the two main characters is much bigger than the other. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We are winning the evolutionary race. Take that Herman Melville. Interestingly on Moby Dick, the opening sentence, call me Ishmael. Originally, it was call me maybe.

I would have gone with initially that sentence had a comma in it. Call me Ishmael. It's just a very long, like, angry breakup note. Call me. like angry breakup note. Go on, mate. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, the party conference season here, as mentioned, has tragically come to an end in the UK. The Scottish National Party concluded their conference, they opted not to go with a we're better off cleaning to a sclerotic touring than vibe this year, for whatever reason. So in the bin, a commemorative 2019 UK party conference season pull out section to keep on your coffee table for the rest of the time party conferences.

That most beautiful time of year, that time of year that makes you think that full automation of all jobs, particularly politicians, simply cannot come soon enough. The time of year when professional fact checkers work up every morning after three hours sleep screaming, I f**king hate my life! Party conference, the place where people go to trade their rare, thatcher trading cars. Happy times. One of the trademarks of party conferences, of course, is politicians giving a terrible speech and then their colleagues unconvincingly praising them for that speech, just by the fact they pay completely think they're deranged and or evil, saying what, I thought it was a really good speech.

But giving a speech at a party conference, that is a low bar, Hannibal Lecter could give a speech at a cop party conference, and the delegates will be nodding to each other, saying, well, he had some excellent ideas. And I found the bit about his lifelong commitment to veganism, particularly inspiring. So we have the nominations for this year's party conference season awards as hotly contested as ever,

categories including a least coherent speech, very competitive, most brazenly hypocritical lack So we have the nominations for this year's party Conor and Season awards as hotly contested as ever. Categories including Least Co-Hear and Speech, very competitive, most brazenly hypocritical lack of self-awareness, very good like the awards panel for narrowing that down, who the fuck am I kidding? It's pretty Patel taking it home. Beating her is like beating the doll on clay at the French Open.

And also perhaps the most interesting category for the prizes this year, the speaker who most look like they just had their own face surgically removed like in the film Face-Off and then reattached back to their own head before trying to do a smile without making children scream too much and they show down between Dominic Rob and Matt Hancock in that category has been a classic for the ages. In India, when we have party conferences, we have two major parties and when the leader, the main leader shows up,

there is a ceremonial gallimding of the main leader. And the gallimde takes place by all party members, to a point where the leader is essentially engulfed under piles of flour, to case. Is there some sort of a dayification of a labor or conservative leader like that? Like when Boris Johnson comes out, is he galllanded continuously by about 5,000 people to a point where he's buried under the weight of flour?

Well, I think in his own imagination he is. You can just tell her from the look on his face. Traditionally, there's sufficient backstabbing within parties in the UK that what happens is half the party tries to drown the leader and the other half tries to burn them as a witch, but they cancel each other out, so you just get a slightly steamy, steamy leader. Thank you. This is the insider live for. Thank you. It's a fact. That section in the bin. That section in the bin. [♪ BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL Alice and Anna-Vab to think these days that the first fish that climbed out of the sea all those years ago with a crazy Pipedream of growing some legs not being eaten by shark and gradually

Evoluted in the shed out of itself might have made a catastrophic error of judgments This week has seen more Disasters unfolding in particular the situation in the Kurdish area of Northern Syria or Kurdistan Depending on which side of the Coin your approaching it from Donald Trump has pulled off the quite extraordinary feet of becoming an irresponsible war monger without Actually mongering the war himself

And he's achieved with with one you know a couple of crazy phone calls and What, it took George W. Bush years and months of planning to achieve. I mean, the letter to restart with the letter. Let's start with the letter, yes. Have you read this letter, Andy? Well, yeah, I mean, it's always nice to see, I mean, letter writing is an art that has fallen from, from prominence. It was dated the 9th of October. It was sent after the US troops

have been pulled out of Syria by by Trump and he told Erdogan, well a number of extraordinary things in the letter, and he can't be a tough guy, don't be a fool. Which does sound like I mean a line from a kind of 60s Motown song. Yeah, I mean that is something that I would sing at karaoke. I mean the thing I find most charming about this whole situation is that Trump is writing letters. He's genuinely so much on his own plane of reality that I'm constantly surprised when he does anything even vaguely normal.

You know, he's the kind of guy you'd expect to be surprised by paper or have an inexplicable vendetta against ink, the man is afraid of stairs for God's sex, stairs in fact those are his two major fears. And shot. Stairs in fact and shucks. That's another classic, John. It was a carpenter, didn't it? I'm not surprised by the language of the letter.

His big appeal to the voters was that he was going to bring his strong background and 90s business ethic to the role of president. I guess they just didn't think about what being a big real estate mogul slash con man in the 90s actually involved. I'm surprised by people who are still surprised when he treats international diplomacy as anything different from business conducted in a dark cellar while your counter party tries not to let their attention drift to the meat hooks of your little. Joller. Democratic congressman Mike Quigley said, I actually thought it was a prank or a joke

that it couldn't possibly come from the Oval Office. It sounds all the world like the president of the United States in some sort of momentary lapse, just dictated angrily whatever was on the top of his head, which is obviously by his democratic bullshit. This is not a momentary lapse. It is a long-term, sphinctral prolapse, where Trump's hind brain has herniated through the quivering muscular membrane of his undertone self-control, and is now throbbing bulbously in the open air for all of the diplomatic

community to see. Well, I think that is an image that none of us are ever going to fully get out of our brains. to say? Well, I think that is an image that none of us ever going to fully get out of operates. As always, Andy, Alice, I have questions about World of Thrones here. And here's one on Turkey. Well, it's a two-batter. The letter, Alice, it did say, Trump's letter did say, don't be a fool, I will call you later. And I think that, you know, a certain degree of informality is quite lovely, especially when nuclear weapons are involved. Like, and if I was to hold forth on the genuine prowess of Indian fast bowling in cricket in the 1980s, I think you would respond, but don't be a fool, I will call you later.

Yes. I would absolutely, with all due respect to Kapoldev. Yes. I would definitely do that. And my second question is we need to spend a second talking about Ressip type Erdogan. I hope I'm pronouncing this correctly, the great leader of Turkey, and he said when he started the small Kurdish invasion that he is a peace loving healer. And given what he's done currently in sort of Euro Asian politics, him being a peace loving healer is like saying the eruption of man vis伎a's caused a slight inconvenience to the residents of the Yeah, I mean it's a he a healer in the same way as

Yeah, you got to an acupuncture clinic and the acupuncturist comes out with eight chainsaws saying you won't feel a thing Um, Trump, so that's only because you're gonna he's gonna cut your head off first Trump said to Erdogan in the letter So that's only because he's going to cut your head off first. Trump said to Urduan in the letter, let's work out a good deal, exclamation mark. You don't want to be responsible for slaughtering thousands of people. And that, frankly, is an IEVE assumption to make of reciprocated Urduan. History says Donald Trump will look upon you favorably

if you get this done the right and humane way. It looks exactly clear exactly what that would involve. It will look upon you forever, continue Trump. As the devil, if good things don't happen, this history for Donald Trump is very much a binary thing, isn't it? Yes, and I think he's right when he says you don't want to be responsible, but he's left out there held from that sentence, you don't want to be held responsible. That's such an important word in these things. We know also history doesn't even look upon the devil as the devil these days, so quite what I don't think of Erdogan. I'm not always at any way. Erdogan is probably thinking, but history will consider me the

devil. That sounds like a f*** load of documentaries. I mean, if you read Paradise Lost the devil's quite hard in that. Well, do you not tell my school English teacher but that is a big f***ing if. It turns out you can, the old York notes are pretty handy for those things. Turkish presidential sources apparently told the BBC that Erdogan received the letter, rejected it and put it it, where bugles? I said they're going, where? In the name! That's right.

He did his own section of the bin, he put a letter from Donald Trump in the bin, where it belongs. It's a very confusing situation, and Ceasefire has now been struck, and if history teaches us nothing else it is that ceasefires in the Middle East are never ever broken, apart from in every previous instance of ceasefires happening. Yeah, I mean within the ceasefire there are many complicated things happening. The whole situation needs sort of bar charts and graphs and flow charts to explain it, but one of the things that drew my attention was that Australia has ruled out retrieving about 46 Australian women and children who fled ISIS territory and are being held

at the Al-Hawl refugee camp in northern Syria near the area of Turkish operation. These Australian citizens will remain in these refugee camps during the ceasefire because Australian Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton said the situation remains too dangerous to send Australian troops or officials. He's blaming the parents of the children for taking them into danger. And I think really good to know that whether it's our own citizens or people arriving on boats, the official Australian government stance remains

f*** them. No, seriously, f*** them right up the hoop. I like that our government is happy to leave Australian children in a situation that is quote, too dangerous to send soldiers into it, makes a feel just so nice, doesn't it? It's also quite lovely and I want to know what you guys think that in the age of, you know, where a missile can get from Istanbul to deep inside Kurdish territory in about 12 seconds. Donald Trump is still writing handwritten letters and probably delivering them by pigeon. I think Trump should be encouraged to use increasingly primitive forms of communication.

He's gone from Twitter. Weenim of Twitter moved him to letters. Weenim of letters moved him to chiseling things onto slabs of stone. And move him off that into sticking him in a f***ing cage. It's some mud. Draw that elk and f*** off. He apparently had something of a meltdown or Nancy Pelosi had something of a meltdown depending on whether you are Donald Trump or everyone else in the universe. Was there a meeting in the White House and it got pretty competitive. Trump said to Nancy Pelosi, I hate ISIS more than you do. That's a strange thing to get competitive about. Give them one assumes Newtons much of a fan. It's very hard to quantify though, isn't it, Alice? How much do you

hate ISIS? I mean, I don't know. I've never tried to quantify that. I think if you put it into cricket bats and send it to the moon. Oh, nice callback. Quite a lot. Right, well, I'd be three cricket bats more than you. So I hate ISIS more than you, which makes you a terrorist sympathizer. I mean, it's so hard to quantify exactly how much each of them

hates. I see some in Trump clearly hate some so much that he wants to facilitate their regrowth by creating the instability on the ground that he's achieved. So he has more of them to hate. So whereas Nancy Pelosi has done nothing to bring artists back from the dead. Well, this is an interesting thing. Trump's meltdown was in response to a bipartisan condemnation of his decision to order the withdrawal of American troops from Northeastern Syria, people are suggesting that it's an abandonment of the Kurds who are one of U.S.'s main allies in the fight.

I sort of, I don't know how I feel about it, he said that it's time to get the U.S. out of quote, endless wars. As a Buddhist kid and a big fan of non-war, I agree with Trump on principle, with two questions. One, if you want to get out of wars, why do you keep giving money to the military? And B, the biggest exacerbator of increasing territorial conflict to the moment is crop failure due to climate change. And if you don't want billions of people fighting over land and resources, you maybe want to stop pretending science isn't real. I know that's not very funny.

But one, just replay that bit while imagining at the same time there's a cute fat puppy excitedly dragging an oversized novelty dildo around a fancy dinner party, while a slightly flustered middle-aged house husband chases him around, going, drop that Roger bad puppy and apologising to his guests. That was my house last night. I just have a quick question, Nancy Pelosi, she left that press conference and she left that meeting with Trump and gave a press conference and she said Every day I pray for the president and his family now. I'll start bringing for his mental health

Do you think that this is the sort of thing bipartisan politics? Should we talk about that what the opposition leaves and says? I think the man we met is mad What people have done proper scientific studies of his of his mental health, I think the man we met is mad. What people have done proper scientific studies of his mental health, I think, I was reading about this. Yes, I think there's the sort of a general prohibition on mental health professionals diagnosing someone at a distance, but I think it's very different when someone is diagnosing someone at a distance. If that person is semaphoring their mental illness,

with two giant red flags. LAUGHTER MUSIC Brexit news now and it's all over. Boris Johnson has struck a deal for Brexit. It's all over, apart from the bit where he has to try and get it through Parliament, and then the ensuing decades of working out exactly what it involves. A deal has been struck with the European Union that will be put to Parliament tomorrow,

as we record. It finally agreed on the precise size and mechanism of the Sledgehammer, with which we will crack ourselves in the political and economic nuts. It's a kind of, like an like an inverse prenup, this. It is like a pre-divorce agreement to live in separate houses and not cut the dog in half. The nitty gritty is still... Again, the dog is still Northern Ireland.

A lot of dogs in this podcast. Boris Johnson tweeted, we've got a great new deal that takes back control. Now Parliament should get Brexit done on Saturday, so we can move on to other priorities like the cost of living, the NHS, violent crime in our environment. Hashtag, get Brexit done, Hashtag, take back control. Let me translate that into plain English for you.

We've cliche, that's cliche. Now Parliament should cliche on cliche, so we can cliche to cliches like lie, lie, lie and lie. Hashtag, cliche, Hasht like lie lie lie and lie hashtag cliche hashtag simultaneous cliche and lie As a foreigner I've been trying to follow this for two years and it seemed to be quite complicated and impossible What did Boris Johnson do in the last 10 days that he was able to get the Europeans to sign this get the Irish to agree What did he what do you think? In private rooms he was able to pull off that all

these human beings could not for two and a half years? Well, it's quite hard to answer that without having been there and I'm fatiguingly was not involved in those negotiations. I mean, that can't firmly, I mean, lay that card firmly on the table. I mean, there's, you know, the mind does speculate, it's possible that he just took all his clothes off and said, I'm not putting them back on until you do a deal. That's right, you way to have got this through. It is essentially largely the deal that had already been agreed with a few tweaks to it. And it's obviously impossible to know exactly what this deal actually involves, because depending on your chosen media outlet, it is either an abject catastrophe that will hammer

the final cricket stump into the leaking coffin of the UK before slamming the population of Britain in and catapulting it into the mid-Atlantic. Or, it's a heroically jubilant triumph of Britain over our imperial overlords like the mighty Luxembourg, Phoenix out of thin air by strategic genius who's a parent-fuck-quitted, illegal incompetence has in fact been a Clevver facade for our one true Messiah. Or, it's almost exactly the same as Theresa May's failed deal but a bit shitter and a bit weirder but crucially closer to the latest and deadliest deadline, yet, depending on the deadline. So it's, I don't know, possibly one of those three, possibly a mixture of all three of those three, we don't know. To help you conceptualize the process

of the Brexit negotiations, it's sort of like the Olympic torch relay, where in this instance the Olympic torch is two cupped handfuls of liquid feces, being passed from one politician forward to a next politician as they briefly, you know, at least between their fingers, sometimes they have to top it up with a bit of their own. And Boris Johnson is the last in this very long line of people, and he is the one who is profaring very gently this cup-tanful of liquid feces to the bowl of the British people. Thank you, sir. I will never watch an Olympic opening ceremony the same way ever again. Yes, just imagine the fire is farts.

It does look like that certainly the younger generation of Britain may well end up if we can continue on the Olympic opening ceremony vibe. Very much like the doves at the opening ceremony of the solar Olympics in 1988. And if you haven't seen that, check it on YouTube, that flame was pretty toasty. Some estimates have suggested that under this new deal, British people be on average £2,000 a year worse off in more understandable terms. That means no new hubcaps for Jacob Reece Moggs in 1930s Bentley and or a cheeky little pop below the poverty line for struggling family. So it's going to work different ways for different people. The Economist magazine said the proposed deal would be bad for the economy, bad for the union, and bear little relation to what voters narrowly backed in a referendum more than three years ago.

Michael Gove, by contrast, on the radio, informed us that it is, in fact, what the majority of people in this country want, based on his own Govic divination and public sentiment. Now, there is, with all due respect to Michael Gove, which of course is no respect whatsoever. There is a more accurate and reliable way of finding out what the majority of people want than his own hunch. You clatteryly cantankerous cocknugget. It's a solution so achingly obvious that even Jeremy Corbyn, the Duke of Dither, the imparata of indecision, the pontiff of political paralysis, is now almost properly in favor of it, and that clearly is a second referendum. But there is an extraordinary amount of people telling

us what the public thinks and then saying we cannot let the public tell us what it thinks. What is happening to this country? Christ don't just sit there f***ing do something. I'm gone. Oh he's gone. I mean, you can call it what you want. A second referendum, a confirmatory vote. And are you sure you want to go through this non-necessary invasive brain surgery and nose job in which your nose is replaced with a real set of buffalo udders moment?

It's just how can it not be the correct thing to do? I mean, these politicians just asserting facts. I admire it so much. I am currently putting together my visa application and I'm so full of imposter syndrome that even asking people to write me letters of recommendation saying I'm okay at my job feels so intensely like I'm asking them for like a false passport

so I can go assassinate an archduke. Like genuinely have been looking at Boris Johnson and Michael Gove and all of these ****nuckles as an inspiration. If I had even 1% of their immense self-confidence, I would be an intolerable arrogant **** monkey. Also applying for a visa to the UK right now feels mildly masochistic, like asking the person who bought their sex skills bar charts to a first date to marry you. We're getting a cheap discount ticket for the Titanic on the resale website. At the very much the wrong time.

That's it. If anyone's famous or influential who listens to this podcast and wants to write me a recommendation, Please get in touch. Well, I mean, if you haven't said famous, I'd have been right out for it. Was it famous or influential? Yeah. No, sorry, I'm out. Over two. So depressing.

There are some reasons not to have a second referendum. One, Nigel Getcross. Two, there are now only three times as many people in the UK who didn't vote for Brexit as who did vote for Brexit. Three, three times as many. Now three's not a very big number. A billion is a big number.

So let's wait until it's that. And three, the level of screeching toatory that would be unleashed would possibly make Britain detach from the surface of the earth and flip backwards into space, which is possibly what the hard Brexit does had in mind all along. My friend recently filled out a long term UK visa application

and they have a box that says, do you have opinions on Brexit? And then it says yes and no, but then it doesn't give you any other space to fill out what that opinion is. And I think that's quite a nice indicator of how things are. What, do you think? Oh, yes. I mean, that's quite a nice indicator of how things are. What do you think? Well yes, I mean that's about... I know.

Well yes, I know, that's about... And that is also about the level of detail that we've voted on in 2016, so it seems entirely appropriate. What happens if you can't get it through Parliament on Saturday? Well, if you can't get it through Parliament on Saturday, then there'll probably be another extension and a general election probably, no, or I don't know, I'm done if there'll be a referendum. It's basically, it'll just be the unleashing of further chaos. But also if it does go through, there will be the unleashing of further chaos. Yes.

And nobody knows what. We're going to get further chaos, whatever you want in these after-chandering of David Cameron's in I only custom-brained 2016 referendum. A lot of people are saying, oh, the MP should now just back the deal to quote end the agony. Now, this is a term generally used for a dog you're taking for its last trip to the vet, or for a grandad for whom you've bought a one-way ticket to Switzerland. It is not a term used for something that you have long-term confidence about. And the logic seems to be that the three years of incompetence we've had from our politicians have been so incompetent that we cannot risk more incompetence even if the upshot of it

is an unexpected outbreak of sense. If that makes any sense, which it doesn't. It's like making a campaign for your own concerts. So obnoxious that people buy tickets just to make it stop. That is a sales pitch. I've not tried it. So would this be a bit like sudden death in football? So they would keep extending it till they get the votes that they want. But just sudden death. They just have sudden death. they want. But just sudden death.

It just must be literal sudden death. But which side's politician is most prepared to get a bit ancient Roman on it and commit ritual suicide for the greater good? Do I have to propose the Mad Max Thunderdon again? I do. I can. I can. Blob news now and Zooin Paris has put on display a blob. It's a yellow goo entitled Fissorum Polycafalum, which translates as many headed slime, which

coincidentally is the Latin name for the species, Michael Gove. It's an organism that has no brain, but apparently 720 different sexes. No binary male and female for the blob. 700, is that not too much, Joyce? I mean, it can move without legs or wings. It can heal itself in two minutes if cut in half. It looks like a fungus, but acts like an animal. I think I made a guy like that once It's going on display to the public on Saturday

It has no mouth no stomach no eyes yet. It can detect food and digest. I definitely met that guy once Bruno David the director of the Paris Museum of Natural History has said it surprises us because it has no brain But is able to learn so it's one up on Donald Trump. If you merge two blobs the one that has learned will transmit its knowledge to the other which is going to be my new Tinder profile. It is currently a slime mold technically. It's a yellowish unicellular living being which as you say looks like a fungus but acts like an animal, has no brain and 726 is the wocused slime in history. And people are still against Brexit when France is about to flood Britain with yellow idiot

blubblists that are horny to the power of 720. Take back control of our yellow microorganisms. British sexily repressed microorganisms that just innocently go about the unicex cellular business Go to church and then eventually get found having autorotically associated themselves in a cupboard. I mean this is I mean 726 there is already fan fiction being written about how hot that is And there's something very French about this isn't it? hugely French And there's something very French about this isn't it? It's a tiny, unicellular organism in a beret. It doesn't look spectacular.

As an exhibited a zoo, it's just basically looks like someone sat on a bottle of mustard. But apparently, the scientist said, it's one of the most extraordinary things on earth to date. It's been an existence for over a billion years and apparently we still don't really know what it is. Sometimes, as you said, behaves like an animal. When times are good, it lives as an individual, but even there is no such thing as society, and it doesn't have a brain. And the light is the one of its only foe. So is it a Tory? This is the question, the evidence against that is that it can heal itself if cut into, it comes together in times of crisis and can solve problems by working up easily and can find its way

out of a labry. So no, it is definitely not a Tory. If I was a restaurant tour catering only to blobs, would I need 720 different toilets? When this is one of those questions that the world has been distracted from with all the all the fuss over Brexit and Trump and global warming, there's toilet facilities for UNICEIAL organisms. Do UNICEIAL organisms shit or not? I mean we'd have to ask it. Right. Just merge with it briefly.

Share its knowledge. Oh, can I just recommend no one Google's blob shit? Just as a life piece. Yeah. So, Chris, some warnings you don't need. I mean, some warnings I don't need. You clearly do. The research I do for this show. Was it last week a spaceship dildo? Then I made you

do it all. Which you then pointed out in front of a room of 300 people with I'm just called Buzz Aldrin. I'm feeling every single listener right now is googling blob shit. I'd like a spaceship till then. I'm pretty sure blob shit was a checkered back in ice hockey player. Men news now and two men have been in the news this week. Well more than two, but these two men specifically Kim Jong Un and the Mayor of Wellington, New Zealand. Let's start with Kim Jong Un. He has climbed North Korea's highest mountain on a horseback, of course. Well, what's happened here is a horse has climbed a mountain with a twer on its back. Well, it just shows how media can report the same story in different ways. He has ridden a white horse, no less, up a sacred volcano. Who does he think he is, Frodo?

He's ridden his horse. The volcano was responsible for one of the bangiest eruptions of the past five millennia. And it's been described as a sort of political, an act of political symbolism. The official state news agency, and this is not any old news agency, it is the official state one, so we think we can trust it, said having witnessed the great moments of his thinking, a top mount pike to. All the officials accompanying him were convinced with overflowing emotion and joy that there will be a great operation to strike the world with wonder again. Which does raise the question,

is Donald Trump moonlighting as a copywriter for the North Korean state news agency, or are they writing his shit? Either way, is not ideal. What is it with fascist leaders and horses? I mean, why is a horse simultaneously the most macho thing that a fascist leader can ride and also the favorite animal of seven-year-old girls? Right.

That is a very interesting psychological quandary, you've got Putin shirtless on a horse, you have Richard III going my kingdom for a horse and you've also got pony club fun times. I think that's the original version of that death scene in Richard III. Pony Club fun times anyone. Sorry, Stipper, we're just going to kill you. I better do under a car park inicester. Mount Pike 2 is the sacred mountain of the revolution in North Korea. Do you have to ask how much use is a mountain in a revolution? I mean have there been many revolutions where it would be gathered together and rock we've got relieflets, the speeches are written, we've got weaponry, public support and sandwiches. Shit! No mountain! Revolution is off. We're going to have to just take being suppressed until geology changes. Kim Jong Un or KJU, very disappointing

sequel to KJT, the world champion British heptathlete, Catherine and Johnson Thompson of course, is the son of Kim Jong Il, now Kim Jong dead to be precise, who was born either in a secret camp on this sacred mountain mountain park to Or 900 kilometers away in Soviet Russia. Now obviously if you've got a choice between whether or you were born in a freezing Soviet city or born on a sacred volcano that is not a tough call to make. That is not a tough oh I figured out the metaphorical symbolism I figured it out although oh so the idea is like the the mountain you know mountains are the the breasts of the earth so the idea is like the the mountain you know mountains are the breasts of the earth so the mountain is is the boob and the horse is the penis

which makes pony club a lot more disturbing volcanoes of the breasts of the earth yes that just shows what a bad mother mother nature is drink this oh god, that is hot. She doesn't start smoking at that age either. No, I was going to say, what you're suggesting is that every invasion of the Empire had erotic undertones. Duh. I think for a million-mount bytom, shall we mentioned it before on this show. But how do you think the bugle would report this story if it were a tabloids only interested in headlines containing word plays? Uh oh. Well, I think what we'd have to say in that situation would be

yeah. Let me just buckle up first. Okay. John is this situation, careering out of control. If so, how can the issue is getting complicated? It's like a jungle. It's getting beyond the pile Oh, yang it all the situation is Chongjin all the time Chongjin is a city in northeast North Korea. Hey Kim if you're listening. Hi, do wish you'd grow up Hi, do also a North Korean city. You loser the yellow river is on the border between North Korea and China I tell you I'm not happy about this. I'm not is the Korean name for the yellow river is on the border between North Korea and China. I tell you, I'm not happy about this, I'm not, it's the Korean name for the yellow river. And you are to blame, and you is another city. You've been very silly, silly, an ancient Korean kingdom.

Now just you, hang on a minute, give me one good reason, we should let you get away with this. Hang on, this the Korean alphabet, the one is the North Korean currency. Come here and say that, So I'll explain that tree. Actually don't. I wouldn't want to be Sinowidu in public. Sinowidu, that's another North Korean city. Oh, Kim, on you're being a total cult. You better sling it and fast.

Hurry on now. Hurry on. That's another city. This friendship, this friendship died on the vine. Die dong, that's a river. Okay, now bike do you in America John, bike to, that's a big North Korean mountain. What's your reckon?

Oh, God. See John, it wasn't that difficult. See John, that was the 15th century of the Korean flu. So I'll leave it to you now. Go John, go John, of course, the first emperor of the Korean Empire. 22 North Korea based puns, John. Yes, it's all coming back to me now.

I was listening back then. Unlike now. I listened to my episodes, like all good listeners. Not listening to me. Obviously not. Annie Vab, you're closer to New Zealand than we are geographically currently. So tell us what's been going on in Wellington. You know, Andy, as a screenwriter, I find this quite an exciting thing.

The Mayor of Wellington has denied being the puppet of film director and producer Peter Jackson. So Wellington's new mayor and the foster has hit back its suggestions that he is a puppet of Sir Peter Jackson. So, well, it does new mayor and the fuster has hit back its suggestions that he is a puppet of Sir Peter Jackson, while still refusing to reveal how much the Lord of the Rings director and his wife, Fran Walsh, have donated to his campaign. So, I guess what I'm saying is he is definitely a puppet of a movie director. And what it does is, Andy, I think, and Alice, it opens the door for many film directors to buy many city mares. And given this podcast reaches out to a lot of people,

I would like to currently offer myself up to be a puppet of Christopher Nolan. Christopher Nolan, the film director, is shooting in Mumbai currently and I would just like to announce that in case he's looking for a puppet, I am a video. I mean, I think this is a ridiculous story. Of course, the mayor isn't so Peter Jackson's puppet. Peter Jackson doesn't work with puppets. He uses wetter workshop prosthetics and 3D imaging to create the mayor and do circus for incidental characters and

Maori and Pacific islands for all the Orcs and Urakai, which would be racist if they weren't guaranteed work for the next 50 years in every gritty fantasy reboot. Orcs and Urakai. So Orcs are the Orcs and Urakai are the big Orcs. They're more ork. I just feel like it's kind of an American school drama series with orks of a record. But wasn't it? I watched it out of that.

What's the interesting thing about this? Is it the tonk that I'm going to pitch that? Oh, and you've just started something terrible. The, the, um, the, I'm sorry, that's really terrible. I'm still thinking about Shagrat and Gawrbag spin off buddy movie from the Orcs of A Rock High. I can't wait, cut this out Chris, we are pitching this. This is going to be the next podcast series. Shagrat.

Shagrat is an Orc High who falls out with Gbaugh the Orc. I think it's also time when I think they've been captured by a shield of the spider. Alright, yeah, Shagrat was a term used by Boris Johnson and had one on the daily marital point. I think you guys are just naming my all relatives. I mean, is it racist if you say it? I don't think so. There's another show you've got a pitch. If it's not if I actually have an uncle of that name, I don't think it is.

I think that I'm just looking for him. Right, we've overrun. Chris is looking like he wants to get off and edit the shit out of this. And pitch the logs of a rock eye. Don't forget, you can buy tickets to my Soho Theatre show, the end of the year of you show the Certifiable History, which will also be featuring Alice Vs. Appermitting from the 16th of December through to the 4th of January,

from memory of the few gaps in between, bringing all your family and friends along to that. It's now as much a part of Christmas and New Year tradition as Christmas New Year tradition as Christmas New Year and the creeping sensation of time passing irretrievably by in the prospect of decline and oblivion, hoving gradually closer into view. So, do come along to that. Alice, anything you need to plug? I'm in Sydney in November and I will be doing very skigs, including the Opera House on the second of November, go on my Twitter at a liturative to figure out when.

That sounds like a mass, are you playing the entire opera house? I am, I am, I'm playing it like a trumpet, I'm standing on the top and just blowing down the tube, there's no tube. I'm doing a very short spot on a gala thing, but yeah follow me on Twitter I will announce things on there. And if I... Well I'm back in the UK for 10 days, Andy, and I've finally got a thing called a website apparently that's helpful nowadays in the world. It's Anavapal.com and there's some shows at the stand-in, Tuscany and the dates would be on that website, which is my name. Before we go, Chris, you plugged your new podcast on this show last week and forgot to tell

people it its name. Yeah, I had a moment of existential crisis midway through. You've been hanging around with me too long. You've learnt my promotional skills by Osmosis. I mean, I've learnt my promotional skills have degraded since coming on this podcast too. They've just gone down to follow me on Twitter and I'll probably tell you there. What's it called? You still haven't said what it's called. No, I actually was quite tempted to just leave it and forget for another week. It's called Richie Firth Travel Hacker. Richie Firth Travel Hacker,

that sounds menacing. I'm downloading it right now. That sounds like something a police would say into a police radio, Richie Firth travel hacker. You know, it's not some alphabet thing. Anyway. That's it, Muglers. Until next time, goodbye. MUSIC And now it is time for this week's lies about our bugle premium voluntary subscribers. Russell Turbic had naively assumed that people who collect litter using a grabber were called pick-up artists

and thought that that job title dignified their work with an element of creativity with which it is seldom credited. Felix Blix-Evberg would like to set up a committee, but is not fixed on what it should be called, what its remit should be, or who would be in it. So he is summoned a group of 15 friends and colleagues to discuss this matter further. Nigel Waller thinks anyone conducting a marriage proposal via the big screen at a sporting event should be instantly jailed and banned for life from any future romantic relationships. Any accepted big screen proposals would be rendered void by law. Arthur Moll would have that if marriage proposals have become deemed acceptable at sporting events,

then so should dumping and divorces. In fact, things are for these would actually be far more entertaining for the rest of the crowd, given their more unpredictable outcomes and the amount of arguing that could be involved. After all, isn't that what sport is all about? John Paddy does not begrudge Vera Lynn her success, but wonders if it was simply a case of right place, right time for the now 102-year-old Kruunstress and World War II chart-topper, would she have been such a super star for example if she had been born in Finland in the year 974 as a wolf, lucky Vera. Martin Neville

is not much taken by the kind of fancy graffiti art you see these days and would rather that young people with the desire to create uncommissioned works of public art simply carved a proper sculptural freeze like the ancient Greek youth used to. Philip Rothfeld, despite the auspicious first three syllables of his name, has no desire to write a novel, but does attempt to write one title for a novel every day. Today's possible hit for someone else to then write is called the Harmonious Rhythm of Chickens. Yesterday's was funnel vision.

Since we're talking about novels, Roger Colwell thinks the whole genre is long over due for a reboot. They're not novel anymore, really, are they? Correctly quibbled Roger. Support for Roger comes from fellow novel skeptic Joe Norris. If one more person in a second-hand bookstore tries to sell me something as a novel, Blast's Joe, I will rubber dictionary in their face and tell him to stop deluding themselves. Paul Brown, overhearing Roger and Joe's quibbling, is suddenly struck by the idea that quibbles would be a simply excellent snack food. It sounds like a shortening of quick nibbles and wood thinks Paul fly off the shelves. Eli Sefsky, Robinson, although making no claims to be an expert on the marketing of snack foods, Reckons quibbles could be advertised

with a big budget campaign in which people pedantically bicker about stuff whilst sharing a harmonious packet of quibbles. Adam Brewerd jumps on board this advertising train and suggests that a famously divorced celebrity couple could be hired to star in that advert, maybe Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise if they're not busy, thinks Adam, or failing that, people who look a bit like them, and enjoy snacks. Dave Tapley would definitely buy and eat quibbles as soon as they hit the market, and would also be interested in other products, including snack-tierier, tasty edibles made of deep-fried processed bacterial colonies, ideally balsamic vinegar and shark flavour. Jamil Nager, as a snack-efficient, ardo-and-massive fan of everything to do with all forms of

painting, would sign up to be a voluntary taste tester for saizanopays, pre-meal munches designed in the style of the work of Impressionist Arts-Oliberty Paul Sezan. Likewise, Chris Crites is positively salivating at the prospect of chowing down in a comic book themed Italian restaurant on a big plate of Batman-ty-pastey Batman-themed Italian starters and Anonymous donor Eric Knutson further suggests that all these products could be sold in a new 1970s dance music themed in Poreum called a funkadelica teston. Here endeth the lies. To join them and support the podcast, go to thebugelpodcast.com and click the donate button.

Goodbye.