The Bugle - Bugle 4128 - Official Brexit Freedom Day Special

Episode Date: November 2, 2019

Andy is with Al Murray and Mark Steel in the week Trump ended terrorism and Britain decided to vote although maybe on the wrong thing. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Viewblers and welcome to issue 4128 of the Viewgal Audio newspaper for a visual world, the publication which uncovers the truth and then covers it up again in a

comforting layer of bullshit. It's just better that way for everyone. I am Andy Zoltzman once again in our London bunker underground, hermetically sealed from the outside world. Well, it's a recording studio, fairly basic. Last night, I went to see an old friend of his first ever stand-up comedy gig at the end of a comedy course with a load of other people, also doing their first ever gig. Today, very much the other end of the experience seesaw with my guests, two stalwarts of the British comedy world,

Al Murray, who I think supported George Formby on his 1947 banjo and megalic tour. Yeah, who I think supported George Forbys on his 1947 banjo-megaduct tour. Yeah, I did hope for George, yeah. And Mark Steal, who played the opening night of Hadrian's War. Yeah, I'll be right back. Dying actually. It's a tough crowd.

Yeah, luckily there was no one there to record it. It's a legit, all the way to Carlisle. Sir, not often I get to enjoy being the youth policy on the view. George Forby in 1947 was very much an activist. He was a partied activist. He got thrown out of South Africa for his sister in Black people. And his wife was the manager, she was really like really front foot with... Yeah, yeah, she was. With it, with it, yeah.

Yeah, she was also a militant atheist and he used to go to church every Sunday, and they said, I've got big squabbles about that as well. This is what happens when you get two human encyclopedias onto a show. But I spent over a decade building up the bugle to be somewhere where fat was not allowed,ed no part in this and you guys come on

The South African mini I can't believe I suppose it would be the four minutes, but the person responsible for all this said to Mr. and Mrs. Form B one night You are not to have any more black people in the audience, it's called in great embarrassment and in front of a big crowd She said it is recorded piece off. You're a horrible little horrible little man yeah and that's the point of which they were escorted out of the company yeah there we go brilliant yeah yeah that's the sound of them the experience got it country also gracey field yeah militant trotskiers yeah for So this is issue 4128 of the Bugle Coats. Are you sure?

But yes. Okay, yeah. Coats are definitely, that's the number, the up to date number of reasons to impeached Donald Trump. We're according on the 1st of November, which is World Vegan Day, and to mark this, this issue of the Bugle has been written on meat-free paper made from trees rather than the normal vellum parchment made from calf skin. I'm writing this down with an octopus, like. No animals will be drowned during this recording, so it's lucky John Oliver's not on this show anymore.

He loves to submerge a ferret in a large bucket whilst performing. Why do you think he's always behind a desk? Join the dots people. It's also today's love your lawyer day, apparently, first of November. That's every day for me, in case my lawyer wife is listening. That's my one wife who is a lawyer. I don't have a lawyer wife and other wives covering all the other major professions. On this day in 1503, Pope Julius II was elected Pope, his nickname was the warrior

Pope and the fearsome Pope, which are not traditional Pope equalities these days being a warrior and being... No, no, no. Back then you had to be badass if you were Pope. Yeah. I guess when you're Pope you've got a Pope what you see in front of you at the time. Yeah, can't sit rigidly to a set, Pope being tactic. He's got a Pope on his... Who is his manager? We see a bourgeois, that kind of time. Oh, a pretty good isn't it? But he did commission the Sistine Chapel ceiling from Mickey Paintbrush himself. And that was exhibited to the public for the first time

on this day in 1512. And this is also the first anniversary of me telling you that last year as well. LAUGHTER E fell out with Leonardo, didn't he? Yeah. Yeah, they're terrible for it. When that just sounds, how has that never been made into a sitcom?

Oh, you're with your ceiling off! Flick, flick. And woman, she's miserable. Why you paint her? painter. And of course today was supposed to be the one three hundred and sixty fifth year anniversary of Brexit happening. This was supposed to be the beginning of freedom. Yeah. Well, we're 12 hours into our robbed freedom, 12 hours and 15 minutes. I don't know how you feel about it, but I shouldn't have bought those independent state. So it's over 31st bid. My dad was still alive, he'd have bought a bid at Boughton.

I remember buying a plate to commemorate Colin Kaildry's 100th century. So you're asking, have we worth a fortune in years to come, son? Well, to be honest, if you stick that on e-bay, I'll probably bid quite a lot for it. For our American listeners, that maybe, that is quite a niche cricket reference. It must be the first Colin Cowdery reference we've had on the bugle. This was supposed to be the day after the freedom day. We were supposed to have Brett blasted ourselves to a glorious new future. Mark Francois had predicted that Britain would explode if Brett

did not happen on the 31st of October. The evidence suggests that that has not entirely happened yet. I think he exploded. Yes. I'm told. And the police have sealed off the area around his house and have been warned public and been warned not to approach any of the people. Fronswara Fallout will be awful, you mean the Fronswara All Over You. Oh, shit, I've been like crack a towel, people are like, do you know it covered one seat of the globe?

Shape with Fronswara All Over You can't eat the loudly, the loudly, the loudly, the Ukraine. What do you do that as a blended here? LAUGHTER Well, we are headed for an extended winter, I think. As always, our section of the Google is going straight in the bin. This week, the charity month of November

is upon us once again, November, where men grow moustaches for charity. But there are more options this year. There's faux-vembe where you are sponsored per enemy maid, which can be quite lucrative in this day and age. Nose-vembe now doesn't take much commitment to wear a moustache for a month in this age of trendy facial hair, but nose-vembe is encouraging people to wear a large prosthetic nose for a month. That shows real commitment to your charity. Flow-vembe where you're in except medical care that would have been available to Florence Nightingale during the Crimean War.

QuoVember is also available when you only listen to status quo for the entire month, do get psychiatric assistance if you do. Also coming up next year, imaginary January, where you divorce yourself from all reality for a month. I don't see how that is different from any other month of the year. Great Prol, which is a wine awareness month, and comp tober, where you take policing into your own hands by forming your own vigilante force and performing citizens arrests

on anyone you think might have done something wrong. That charity section in the bin. The Waste of the World Top story this week. Well, we didn't get Brexit, but we are getting an election Which is gonna be about Brexit, but also leave a potentially government in place for five years We're gonna vote our way out of this man. We are gonna vote vote vote vote until it goes away But by not actually voting on it. Yeah, exactly the world's most oblique election exactly You know that this I I mean, I'm actually sort of a little bit in love with what's happening at the

moment. I love it. It's sort of dazzling. I would dare, you know, when the paper in the morning I'd sort of dazzle the dead look away. It's so poppere that as long since gone past the point where you go, the equivalent of a plane crashing in the middle of the street that the soap opera team and stuff. One of the main characters turns out to be in OICS

or something. We've gone way past that now. They go, no, it's written this. I wish I could read the history book about this from 150 years time's really what that's really what was causing it all because it's We're in the thick if it's a I mean I'm like so I'm sort of in love with it. I mean love with our addiglacies I love that they shut parliament in order to defend parliament I just love it. I love it. Yeah, what do that? Why not? I love it. Yeah, nothing would surprise you exactly and Feline plus we're only allowed to Europe through a flap on the order of a sheet on a flap. That's the result of it.

Nothing. If they all, oh, everybody, Thumbrie campaign, naked today in a canoe, really. Yeah. It's shit. But is that thing, but I mean, and all the time, back in this upper spin, the country's going to explode, they'll be right, so if we don't leave it, that has not happened.

So they really got, they're going to have to stow that, aren't they? Yes. Is an argument? I've got to organize some riots. Well, or organize some riots. Yes, re-smog. Yeah. I wanted my 50p to work something.

Also, I mean, behind this, we had the conservative government, when it came in under Cameron, past the fixed term parliament act. Yeah. Also, behind this, we had the conservative government when it came in under Cameron, passed the Fixed-Term Parliament Act, one of the least necessary pieces of legislation in the glorious British history of unnecessary legislation that was supposed to fix the term of Parliament's, hence the name, and thus reduced the number of times we were inconvenienced by the democracy we keep erroneously being told, or we're obsessed with in this country. And under the Fixed-Term Parliament Act. This would be the now the third election in four years. Just what the British public has been aching for six weeks of concentrated bullshit, bullshit into their haggard, resigned faces. These are curious democratic times. Indeed. And as is the conservative slogan, which is Britain

deserves better, which is a perfectly reasonably fan of dying slogan if you are the opposition. But when you have been in power for, we deserve better than this utter rubbish, stupid, useless, hideous, monstrous government that has been ruining the country for nine years. Oh, it's not. We've printed the leaflets now. Oh, no. Yeah. Of all the slogans, look, admittedly, we were in, we've been in, and we've been shit, but vote for us again.

Yes, in case it gets worse. In case it gets worse. And each time the slogan is, oh, there'll be, there'll be a terrible, terrible mess. People may recall, there will be, it is either stability with us or chaos with Ed Millivan.

And luckily we didn't have any chaos at all. And then strong and stable. Also if you've had Boris Johnson, the artist Duke of Absolute Drivel, who's been warning people that Brexit would be delayed under Jeremy Corbyn. Now this is a man who delayed Brexit himself by voting repeatedly against Theresa May's so-called deal and then delayed Brexit again by chickening out of putting his own so-called deal through Parliament. Now warning people that

Corbyn will... Yeah, but that's what I have this, this is how this whole thing works. That is simply characteristic of what's happening. You know, it's this we lost control of our borders in a country on an island where we haven't got any. And we're going to lose control of taking back of the borders we haven't got because of another island with a border that we've forgotten about. It's like it's sort of perfect. I'm 51 now and I'm starting to wonder whether this isn't all a simulation. Right. All right. The matrix. Yeah, I'm a to wonder whether this isn't all a simulation. Right. I like the matrix. Yeah, I'm a brain in a jar and none of this is actually happening.

You know, because the other day I ran into someone who knew someone from school, you know, from my old school. And that's impossible. There's more than 150 people in the world, surely. And what's happening now just feels like it feels like you're joking about me like a so-called, but it feels written. It feels like we're living in a parable about the limits of wisdom or something. One day they'll tell this story as an amazing fable. I do wonder, was it like this during the corn laws and stuff, but then that was really if he sure

Wasn't it competitive? Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, that's it. That's what you know if you look at if you look at it historic crises They tend to they tend to sort of end Well, even the civil war was only sort of 18 years from beginning to it. Yeah, well, yeah, really sort of thing This is gonna way way go So this is going to way, way, go, pass on. There's going to be people as yet not born who, when they're 40, you're going to go, I wonder if it'll ever end. Well, people get joking about that.

People get joking about that. They'll be a ceremonial thing every year where the year you grants the UK an extension. And no one will know what, you know, like, like, like why do we get a Guardsman wear bear skins? You know, like, no one really knows anymore. And they'll go through this ritual. I assume that was like a lunch thing, wasn't it?

Yeah, I think it's a lunch thing, yeah. And it's just so many people full of us. I was sort of came across a tactical, well somebody showed me a tactical voting website. Because I thought, well, I suppose the argument here is that if you're against Brexit or if you particularly don't like Boris Johnson or whatever, because it seems to be in two blocks, doesn't it? There's one end forage and Boris Johnson support Brexit and they are of a certain bloke

persuasion. And then you've got everybody else, really the disillusion could serve it. Liberals, the nationalists, the Wales, the Scotland, Liberals and Leibor. But they're all scrambling for the votes between them, almost as if they don't care if they lose as long as they get. So the Liberal Democrats sort of seem, their position seems to be, we don't care if they lose as long as they get. So the Liberal Democrats sort of seem their position seems to be, we don't care if a sociopath runs the country as long as we go up to 23% in Reading West.

And so I saw one of these websites, a tactical vote in one where it says, who's got the best chance of beating Boris Johnson. And the liberal one, it said, it was northeast Somerset. 38% is a graph. 38% conservative. 32% liberal. 8% labor. All right.

And then at the bottom, it said, this is from a poll where people were asked, who would you vote for if the contest was only between the conservatives and the liberal democratic? And no other parties to the chance. So that still, do you might as well say, who would you vote for assuming the Labour candidate was Hitler? Well, this is one of the great problems that we have with our electoral system. Basic means for the vast majority of voters, that's what I mean.

The basic means for a, well, a huge proportion of voting in this country. There is absolutely no point in voting for what you actually believe in. So therefore we have no way of knowing what the country actually thinks. Now clearly as a nation we know. I believe in Father Christmas and he's not under balance sheet. Yeah, as a nation we don't like to say what we actually feel. We've developed an entire way of communication that relies on obfuscation and a hinting and many marriages have survived decades longer than they would otherwise have done.

Thanks to that, there are huge social structures for the avoidance of genuine expressions of emotion and none is more impressive than our voting system, which kind of forces people not to vote in alarm with what they think. This is illustrated by this party election broadcast which came out today. Do you care about the environment? Do you think the economy should be run sustainably at local national and global levels and with the goal of social justice fundamental to policymaking. Do you believe in electoral reform and an informed participatory democracy,

and a nation that demands social responsibility from its business? Then why not vote for the Green Party? Because it's f***ing pointless, that's what. Out of the first part of the post, you might as well smear a dead ferret's blood on your ballot paper and post it to NASA Marked Plan for an intergal smear a dead ferret's blood on your ballot paper and post it to NASA Marked plan for an intergalactic rocket made a ferret's blood as vote green, you idealistic hippie, hold your nose and vote like Broke and served if like a good boy and all girl, we've got it. Getting sewn up is what we thought the wars for may not apply for live and brighten, paid for by the British Association of Bettered Interests.

So it's, I mean, you know, all this, if the public must have their say and then we have to speak in tongues. It's beautiful, Andy. You know? You've actually reached a poetic moment there. That's got to be a first. I mean, it's you for 1228. There's never been actual poetry on this show.

I don't know. Sometimes I sort of hit a tabla plateau of weary resignation and I'm happier then. And then occasionally, I know there's going to be one opinion poll that's going to show that there's leaders shrunken labourer, only 34 beyond. And I'm going to go, there's a bit of hope. But the thing that, you know, obviously everything becomes personal in the end. Right, this election's happening on my youngest daughter's birthday. Wow. That's ruined. It's ruined. I want to spend a day with a toddler, you know, having fun not going, oh Christ, what's going to happen. You know what I mean? It's

like they f***ing wrote, they, this government of ruined everything. My daughter's birthday included. And I'm not, I'm really, I'm, when they stage down to the polling station. Well I suppose, yeah, but it means the nursery shut. So I've got a look after her. That's the actual person. That's the actual boy like here. Proper British parenting. It's just, it has actually ruined the day.

Can I have to think about, worry about this shit on her birthday? Anyway, but I do like it. I feel, I never feel so grown up as when I'm voting. I've just sort of, I still have that thrill of like, oh, I'm trusted with this. I'm hiring a car as the thing that makes people really proud of. Oh, yeah You can't. You can't give me the keys. You've never seen me drive. I mean, maybe these are pretty similar, actually, you know, you're allowed to vote.

And yet, are you suggesting voting licenses? I think I think I probably am. Avoting, you have to do a test, maybe a license. I sure there then be like a phase where you have like a provisional voting license, so you don't get all these kids who suddenly qualified to vote and just go out and... Yeah, definitely. I think we're onto something here.

Breath the loisers. This is what they did in Zimbabwe. Yeah. So the number of sitting MPs who are not standing in this coming election, a number of decades long, a number of experienced conservators, I mean, basically kicked out of the party for having a different opinion to their crazed leader, and a number of female politicians are quitting politics due to the horrific abuse they receive on social media for the crime of having a womb.

And I'm not sure when Tiley using freedom of speech that we fought all those World Wars for quite the way we should be in terms of the interaction between politicians. It's by an alienable right, it's called a female Opie of f***ing cow. Back off. Back off. It's like heriting a stradavary's violin and using it as a practice urinal. I mean, you can do it, but you shouldn't do it. A friend of mine actually tweeted about this this morning

and the replies are a sewer of, oh yeah. And not just of, not just of, well they should shut up then or get it, you know, they brought it on themselves, you think, oh Christ, you think that through, just for a moment. And then like the men get abused as well, just refusing to address it. I mean, it's really, it's, I mean, it is grim and the sort of, the state

of discourse at the moment is horrible. It's really horrible. I will ask this some for some time. I think it is actually impossible to come up with any collection of words that you could put on Twitter that wouldn't get a load of abuse. True. So you could put, Twitter that wouldn't get a load of abuse. True. So you could put, I'm enjoying a delightful sunset across Dorset this evening and someone has a reply, not so delightful if you suffer from sunset a virgin Dorset, you seem to drive actually. Have a thought for sad sufferers if you show me straight.

So I put a thing, I can't remember exactly what it was, but I put some in 9 stupid thought on Twitter when the election was called that basically the choice is between people who have f***ed up the country because they're sociopathic and bit of privileged sadists and people who are f***ing up, everything up because they mean well, but just can't get this shit together. And that sort of, I thought I was sort of being quite part, is that in a way? But of course then the abuse from the sort of Corbin dials. I do, no, we're here to actually, we have a f***ing video.

Lamb, son of f***ing twat. Just stop it. Don't take everything literally. And just, oh, that's gonna work on the doors. Hello, are you gonna vote Labour? Well I might do but I'm not sure about Mr Corbyn. You bear eyes, come get well, come! Well f*** off and join the Tories, is that? No, don't do that. You know that you get you see when you see that f*** off and join the Tories thing, you know that's really, it's an election, it's a really, that is really bad advice.

Yeah, we did, we did. Really well, I've locked 40 doors and I persuaded all 40 people to do as I said, they're all gonna vote here. No, they've all f*** off and join the tour, it's my whole street. Oh God, I mean, it's five weeks, is it six weeks? There's a sh**. Six weeks, but it will seem like a f*** of a lot longer. Yeah, and Christmas as well.

Yes, and also, it's fighting for survival. They're not thought of Christmas has been under attack now for a really long time. Which is why they're not like a pufferfish in the August. But Christmas is under attack and this is going to get in the way of defending Christmas. Well, this is the problems in the way of defending Christmas. Well, this is the problem of the logistics of a winter election, because generally our elections are in April or May.

Christmas has had to be delayed by four days because of the 12th of December election, meaning that Advent can only start on the 13th of December so that it is not politically biased. Even then by speeding up the time of Advent, that means Christmas, the earliest Christmas can fall with the 29th of December and Santa may just been Britain off this year. Well Santa, where's your red outfit? I mean, come on.

Yeah, yeah. That's apolitical, is that? Yeah. He's gonna have to wear like a red outfit with a half-bred, half-blue, or come round twice. What different? But he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not he's not he's not he's not a thing. No, I mean the electoral broadcast. He's not gonna It's not gonna come round on the night of the 28th of the 29th and I quite from was official press release I don't get out of bed until January the 10th as per The bugle will be the official podcast of the British election for the next six weeks World news now and well assassination news Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi the ISIS leader and renowned deranged mega has in what the words. Well I come on this always.

What's the language policy I can remember? There it is. I think it was John you you might remember this, Chris. John Saini, the wrestler, talking about a summer bin Laden. When we cover that, he's compromised to a permanent end. He was killed in an operation. A Baghdaddi was tracked down using his own underpants. This was a delightful detail of this.

He had his underpants stolen by a local Syrian undercover spy then analysed to prove that it was definitely him. They were analysed by underpants specialists who prove that they were the kind of pants that only a really awful terrorist warlord would wear. His albagdaddy's Gimp Mask and Bondage kit also returned positive samples and he karaoke machine hacked into in his lurch had a minute absolutely appalling playlist that proved he must have been an irretrievable shithead. So they knew who it was, he was then killed in an American operation buried like his predecessor as well shit of the year. So I'm have been lard and at sea, which again raises the horrifying

prospect that next time you go swimming in the sea or surfing whatever you might accidentally swallow a molecule that used to be part of. Well and if there's a Francois fallout shower as well, I mean double where me. Keep your mouth shut when you're in the sea. Donald Trump described the operation, they did a lot of shooting and they did a lot of blasting, which, They did a lot of shooting and they did a lot of blasting, which, I'm honest, good to have that level of insight into the intricacies of this. Yeah, listening to eyes and hair. Military strategies. I mean, this whole thing, he went and blew himself up, didn't he?

So basically, the Americans turned out, he runs away and kills himself. And they're saying they killed him. Right. You know, a goal is still a goal. Oh, even if you don't actually, it doesn't really matter how you get the goal. An unknown goal. Yeah, one unknown goal. Yeah.

There's a lot of pressure. Um, I think. A Trump praised, uh, this is more detail on the operation. Uh, that even didn't go through the front door, he said, now you would think to go through the door. If you're a normal person, say knock knock may I come in but they've lasted their way into the house through a very heavy wall. When it's just lucky they don't get normal people to do these operations. Well this is why they're special forces, they're not normal forces are they?

First thing you learn in the essay is, don't use a door. Even at home. Don't even look at that doorbell, son. That's what, that's left to be paid a fortune to have to rebuild the house three times a day. Um, Trump added they were like, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, they got kaboom, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, and then it was like, yeah, and it was so cool.

Um, he praised the, uh, uh, a dog that was using the operation that sadly got injured and even tweeted a picture that sort of mocked that picture of him putting a metal around the dog's neck. That picture. It is amazing. Have you seen that picture? Yeah, it was a guy you'd thought in Vietnam. You rescued ten people and injured in a fire, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it's such a bad Photoshop that the, and also the dogs classified one minute and then not classified the next and Trump's, whatever.

It's amazing. I mean, this is the world we're in now, that's it. And that's, and that's a poor on it as well. It's a medal of a poor, which is really, really funny. But you know, he says the world we're in is it? It does, I'm out of used to sort of all the people now, it's sort of trying to, you go, look, he's told a lie.

Well, don't waste your time trying to bring him down by exposing these told a lie. It'll just go, yeah. Yeah, whatever. And I was an astronaut this morning. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, my dad invented zebras. I was just on point to expose it, he don't care.

I do feel sorry for this dog, a very badly timed take your pet to work day, almost as badly timed as when I was working in that line sanctuary and I had to look after Uncle Schmooly's pet baby Will the Beast. But also Trump said, not only did he pay tribute to the Special Forces dog, but he also said that Al Baghdaddi died like a dog. So what is the dog community thinking now about Trump's attitudes? I mean, that's pretty soon we left in the same state of confusion over exactly what Trump thinks of them as the human community, which is very confusing for the poor animals.

Al Baghdaddi was four time world baddie of the year. That's a hot wholly contested title. So much competition these days, and it's so hard to quantify all the different skills on display from the leading contenders. But his death will no doubt bring an end to all the violence in the entire region and the war on terror in general, ushering in a new era of worldwide peace and tolerance just like the death of Ben Laden did.

Have there been any politicians who've done the more classic old fashioned politician route and gone, although we had many differences. He was a carl-of-all character. Well, there was the whole thing, wasn't there, with the New York Times or the Washington Post, where their bit tree headline to start with was promising footballer. That's an angle. The promising footballer and devout cleric by Danny Dyes.

And like, well, yeah okay if you we can go that way if you're one but that's not the other thing really that that we know him for exactly it's really it's really really funny and they had to they changed it quite quickly because they caught with a trousers down but I mean you know it is this that thing of killing the I mean, you know, this is that thing of killing the leader. It's pure symbolic, isn't it? No, it's not achieving anything to you. Well, it's not even like killing the leader. Look, if you could have assassinated Hitler in 1942,

that would have been worthwhile, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would have definitely changed it. So, I'm not in 1930 to even more. LAUGHTER I'm not in 22. You might have just gone away with it, frankly. Yes, maybe that'll be the Trump's next thing is just to assassinate random people.

On the off chance, they become dictators. 11 years later. I could see into the future, and he was going to turn out to be a really bad man. But what? LAUGHTER I could see into the future and he was going to turn out to be a really bad man. But what? Um, uh, Trump also said that, uh, Albaqdaddy died like a coward and, uh, transcript from the operation just released exclusively to the people does confirm that Albaqdaddy's last

audible words, uh, were, you can't shoot me, I have bone spurs in my heel. Ow, ow, sorry guys, love your work. What I have named his replacement, it's not Jose Merino, it's they've gone with Abu Ibrahim Al-Hashimi Al-Karashi. So they disappointed fans of 1980s British wrestling by not replacing Al-Baghdadi with Al Jahn, Heystexy. Was that worth it? I don't know, sir. But I was wondering, earlier on I was wondering, there's not a big daddy, there's not a big daddy pun in this. It's quite impossible. Promising wrestler.

No, that's probably what it really was when he was die-locking coward. No, no! And the new leader, Al-Hashimi Al-Karashi, has yet to do his unveiling press conference, like Football Manage just do, be interested in what fresh ideas he brings to the ISIS franchise, because it's been struggling for a while, really not getting the neutral fans on its side with this rather unattractive start of play. So...

Did he kiss the badge? What hope so. Chris Time now. I've got a quiz question for you, gentlemen. Fill in the blank. A scientific report have shown that blanks have grandiose delusions about themselves and a complete absence of shame, empathy or guilt. Blanks infuriate other people, but are less likely to be stressed themselves and have a tendency to trample over others and leave a trail of damage around them whilst seem to be insulated

against feeling bad about themselves. Blanks are also prone to high self-confidence and a sense of self-importance. So our blanks A, NASA assists B, Tories, C, D, all high level politicians, E, especially some current presidents and prime ministers, F, movie moguls, G, primary school teachers, H, nuns, I, all men, J, not all men, K, hamsters or L, celebrity chefs. I thought it was lollipot ladies as you were reading it. It's one of the more warm introductions I've had. It is it narcissists, Andy? It is, yes.

They've done a scientific report. I mean, it's the correct answer, A, and also B to L. Yeah. Some of B to L. Like, maybe not the nuns and the primary school teachers. Queen University in Belfast conducted a scientific study into narcissism and then typically published the results to try and make everyone say,

well done, you aren't you, you f***ing special. Well, I do pieces of scientific research, I do the humble thing and keep them to myself, like my groundbreaking study, on the impact on the human body and mind of going to 31 World Cup cricket matches in six weeks. So that, it works. And also my study on the effectiveness

of sacrificing 100 head of oxen to Zeus in order to get England to win a rugby world cup. We will find out how effective that is tomorrow. Anyone want an ox carcass? I've still got 80. If it wasn't for Halloween last night, I still have 99. Trick or treating has never been so much fun.

Also logistically challenging. Anyway, what we talking about before I went on that self-indulgent, I guess, is narcissism. Yeah, yeah. The report found that narcissism is on the rise. Hard to see why that would be, other than social media encouraging us to show ourselves off all the time and political economic systems that keep telling us

how fucking special we are. But I mean, is this the, are we going to just keep, I mean, the narcissism graph, is it gonna just carry on until we are all just eternally self-obsessed and sit by mirrors in dark and sheds, and would that actually be a step forward for humanity? I am on social media all the time,

and I absolutely love it. And so, it feels like you've brought me on to talk about myself. Yeah, I mean, you know, is it necessarily bad narcissism? This is the... Well, this is what the report's saying that it's not necessarily bad for you personally as a narcissist. But it does, well, as we're seeing, I guess it depends how...

What you use your narcissism for? Yes, I wonder whether one sort of possibility, because it strikes me that it's sort of... It's still a minority of people that are really art souls, isn't it? Yeah. And... but so much of what we have to do in life is clearing up after this minority of like really I don't know 3% of our souls and I wonder whether one possible way out of this is to have an our souls island and you just put all of them I reckon the oil of white right could probably accommodate Yeah, yeah, you're right could come in there. I'd be fair. I'd go five million quid to anyone on the oil a white right could probably accommodate the mill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. I'd be fair. I'd go five million quid to anyone on the oil a white. You

really okay. Anywhere in the world, but Bades doesn't even want to go. And then all these are sold to just go in round, share on each other, you know, shit, you fucking, you know, when I was writing horrible things about each other on Twitter and Facebook and calling each other whangers and not doing the washing up until all of ventner is just washing up. And yeah, I was surrounded with bark wire and snipers and that so they can't get out because they'll be going, what should I do when he's actually freedom of moving people? Oh, I don't want to be free to go anywhere. I don't want anywhere to come here or go anywhere.

I don't want to go to the cover. And you can just stand there so they don't get in, no one can get out, they'll be perfectly happy. You'll have a cracking cricket team, no, and that's where it's going to end up. You know, we've tried this before with Australia. Right. And now look, now look where we are. I'm back to my list. I'm back to my list. I'm back to my list. Sport now and it's the Rugby World Cup final tomorrow morning.

This is very exciting. By the time you listen to it, it will probably have happened. Bueglis. The Buegl began its existence with an England South Africa Rugby World Cup final in 2007. Will it end its existence with an England South Africa Rugby World Cup final in 2007. Will it end its existence with an England South Africa Rugby World Cup final? That depends on who makes the final of the year 2020-07. But in the meantime, there is another England South Africa Rugby World Cup final tomorrow morning as we record the nothing. Oh, the radio presenters this morning talking

with an appalling complacency. Oh thought oh no yeah where's the victory parade gonna be no no no no no no no stop no well we should say that you know there's still work to be done here but oh yeah okay yeah that is not that's no good no I'm sure your Jones won't be giving it any no you won you won't be interested in that, will they? But they're up against South Africa, who generally play rugby with all the joy of a 1970 Soviet missile parade. At times, I tend to grind their opponents with a sheer force of inescapable physical tedium. So that they end up questioning the purpose of existence and fall to their knees in a scrum, conceding a penalty

That's largely the way South Africa goes about goes about their their Master's How do England counter that then go at why does it does that help? Oh what I don't know. How why can you go to your own Yes, you don't let them do the stalemate that they'll try and do it Because they basically are tritted whales, you know, they take care of them. But then, if both sides try to avoid a stalemate, then that becomes a stalemate of its own.

Oh, God! So, don't over again. Negative stalemates. Yeah. So I'll have to have Captain Bysier Kaleesi, the first black captain of the Salafagan rugby team. So if they win, it will be hugely symbolic moment for a sport, which in Salafagan was so, for for so long a symbol of a partite

But England have it within their power to crush that our potential iconic landmark Human equality That's that that's the same spirit and when you go on a thing like I did the celebrity chase last year And I got 80 grand out of the opening stage and then we lost the money And Paul Sinner after just going well you know I'm competitive what can you do? I was going to be able to fucking orphanage you back I was going to be able to school in rural Cambodia with that money and now we can't build to school fucking knock it off you wankers

because you got the year that sunset boulevard was made one year out. Yeah, exactly. And you could see him relishing defeating us. And you're like, you absolutely **** anyway. It shouldn't be allowed. To be honest, when we started this podcast, I was not expecting Paul Sinhard to be called an absolute ****. He's a lovely bloke, everything. Would he go on the particular clinch? Would he go on...

Ireland. LAUGHTER Oh. Shanklin welcomes Paul Sinner. Oh, even the... He knows f***ing everything, I said anything. Has to be won the 10 pin bowling champion, I didn't really knew it.

I have to get him on the show, they have a lot of reply to this. Quick other bit of sports news. The World Series was completed this week in baseball. The Washington Nationals were in during game five in the process going three to down to the Houston Astros at which point Donald Trump appeared on the big screen in the stadium and was booed by the entire crowd in Washington who started up a chan of lock him up, lock him up. As he was hoist by his own, twattishly infantile battard, the nationals were then blessed by some higher being and rewarded for their fans chanting truth the power and won the final two games of a bizarre series in which the home team lost all seven matches so that just shows the power of sport. That brings us to speechspeakal to a close. Mark, thanks very much for always a pleasure. Don't forget to put your tickets to my Andy Zoltzons 2019 The Certified Bible History at

the Soho Theatre from the 16th of December to the 4th of January. Until next time, goodbye, we will now play you out with more lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers. If Rob Abraham were to become trapped in a groundhog day type situation, he would like it to be on a slow news day globally. Ideally on a weekend when he had not much on, so he could just kick back, relax, absolutely nail the cryptic crossword and occasionally make consequence free prank funcals to local radio stations. Simon Brook thinks the 1995 hit song One of Us by Joe

Norseborn should not have asked what if God was One of Us, but should have asked a more interesting question such as what if ducks could speak Russian, or what if Stalin had become a ballet dancer instead of a despot, or more pertinally what if God had a headlock and orange. Neha Sami is pleased that we cannot hear the internal monologue of domestic cats and dogs. Neha does not think we would enjoy what we heard, and that if we knew what they really thought of us, it could do irreparable damage to the relationship between our great species. On a similar theme, Jasek Zorowski suspects that most emotional support animals don't really give a shit about the inner lives of their owners.

Even if their 20% is anthropomorphic as we like to kid ourselves they are, says Jasek, they're probably thinking about food, sleep and sex at least 99% of the time. Nick Rizansky uses an internet radio to listen to travel bulletins from notoriously vehicle clogged cities such as Dacca in Bangladesh. It makes Nick feel like he's driving really fast wherever he lives. Matt Robinson wonders what terms were used for a fishers types before the term penpusher came into being. Perhaps chisel chases or stylus sticklers may be even quibblers. We just don't know.

Ben Ulford wonders if there will ever be an unethical veganism movement for people who only want to eat vegetables purely for reasons of taste, but are absolutely fine with humanity exploiting the natural world. Could objins be battery-farmed, asks Ben, well why not? Imogen Cassidy likes to think that if she ever becomes a ghost, she would be a positive, encouraging one, trying to support loved ones in the living realm with motivational hauntings, rather than the hackneyed old pseudo-spooky negativity that so many ghosts seem to go in for these days. Philip Hand thinks there should be a compulsory period of meditation before anyone votes in any election or referendum anywhere, and that this period of meditation should last for a

minimum of 10 minutes and a maximum of 5 years. If Rudy Milard ever becomes a member of the English nobility, whether by marriage, raffle or surprise discovery of an antecedent, he would like to title himself, Baron Wilderness of the Soul. Samuel Price is not looking forward to judgment day if it ever happens, not because he has anything to hide particularly, but it just sounds like there would be a hell of a lot of hanging around waiting. There would, note Samuel,

be, quote, shitloads of admin to do for whoever ends up running the gig. And Rachel Scott Hall's wonders, given that riding a bike is called bicycling, if former 1950s first lady of the USA made me eyes on how I ever climbed on her husband's back while he was on all fours looking for something he dropped on the floor and shouted, look everyone, I'm icickling! Here and if this week's lies, the t-shirts and some added goodies will be sent out imminently, apologies for the delay, my fault entirely. you