The Bugle - Bugle 4130 - History Repeating

Episode Date: November 16, 2019

Andy, Alice and Hari deliver a tri-continental look at impeachment, UK elections, fires and cocaine pigs. Plus, space junk. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers, it's Watterclock. Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers, it's what a clock.

Bugle a clock, that's not an officially recognized time zone, but then what is time? What is the pain in the art, that's what? My least favourite dimension. Anyway, it is what it is, although what is it and when? I digress. This is the Bugle. It's issue 4,130. On the 15th of November the 15th, 2019.

Now I did the dates, both British and American ways there, in one, because one of our guests only understands it, the American way. All the way from the studio in New York, it's Harry Condabolo. Oh, I wasn't sure if you were talking about mirror, Alice. Yeah. No, we do the dates the proper time because of colonialism. Ah, yeah, yes, yes. Well, colonialism, they have the courage to stick with, not like you, like 18th century spliters. Well, we wanted to do the pillaging ourselves.

And by ourselves, I mean, the way people that were here, I think my people were doing something with rice, probably. I guess we should take that as a compliment. I have flattery as the... What's the worst thing about flattery? The situation is massive, the air quality is really good. It's been a long week. Also joining us from the future. Late at the evening in the southern hemisphere,

but don't worry, we're playing the recording of Herbic to the show backwards, so the words flow into your ear holes the right way around. Alice Fraser! Hello, um, the hello, Harry. I feel like I was interacting too early in this engagement, so people wouldn't have known who was speaking. And you always was just a mystery voice. Uh, you're in Sydney. You're in Sydney. I am in Sydney. How's the rest of the day gone? It has been long.

I've already done a satirical news comedy show today. There was so much news in my head and so few jokes, Andy. We are recording on the 15th of November. By the time you listen to or audio read this with your ears. It will be at the very least the 16th of November, which is International Tolerance Day. So if you have any particularly urgent bits of bigotry you need to get off your chest. Please save them until Sunday the 17th. Then you have another three hundred and six quarter days to get back to basics. The 17th of November is of course the anniversary of one of the greatest tragedies

of the 20th century in terms of sports broadcasting at least the Heidi game in 1968 when an American football game between the Oakland Raiders and the New York Jets was interrupted on television on television with the game delicately poised by NBC who switched to coverage of the film Heidi about a girl in the house. A day that will live. Someone we can all barrack for. A day that will live in infamy. East Coast viewers missed a dramatic end to the game and humanity really has been on a slippery slope of division and recrimination

ever since. In 1865 on this day in Greece there was no change in Prime Minister, which was a bit of a rarity in those days between the 20th of October and the 28th of November 1865. Greece had five changes in Prime Minister involving four different men, including a three-day Stint as Prime Minister for Demetrius Volgaris, which was the fourth of his eight Stints as Prime Minister of Greece. That is a good level of leadership, too. I think we could all learn from today. Even you in Australia, Alice. As an Australian, I deeply approve where thinking of trialing a new sort of VPN system where it just randomly

changes location, the Prime Minister ship, amongst the population. And you might be Prime Minister for five minutes, but you'd never know it. And therefore can do no harm. That's that's the surely the best. I mean, you might have stumbled upon something perfect for humanism. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the best. I mean, you might have stumbled upon something perfect for humanism. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, Pimp, my family tree,

most of us have pretty disappointing antecedents when we dig into it. So the bugle is giving you some free, fictitious relatives to make your drab backgrounds more impressive, including great aunts, Stradivaria graduatejard, the world famous botanist who created the Gradjard Dandelion, the world's fastest growing Dandelion that could grow up to 20 meters an hour, all the only for a week at which point it collapsed, believed to be

the flower provocateur for the famous story Jack and the Beanstalk. Also, on your family tree, you can now have great great great great great grandfather Field Marshal Plinnicus Drivell the victorious commander at the Battle of Jolog Hill when the British forces Led by Drivell drove back the ferocious forces of Emperor Bartholomep of Malkuria to take control of plenary castle That may have been embellished through history. I think he just went to the pub and St. Jim Imeema of Pelican, your 18th cousin 24 times removed, who was beatified after turning a lettuce into a hamburger at a birthday party for her friend Kelvin. Pimp, your family treat, free with this week's Bugle and in the bin.

Top story this week, America. Well, Harry, welcome back to the bugle. You are our correspondent for all things, American. Quite a lot seems to be going on in America, as is so often the case. Can you firstly bring us up to date with the status of your glorious president? First of all, you should know the American empire is dying a slow and painful death. What happens to the best of empires? History is repeating itself, but fortunately, Americans don't read history,

so they have no idea what's going on. So the impeachment inquiry is underway, and I think people are a little confused because this isn't the actual impeachment and also impeachment doesn't mean the president gets removed. So this is the inquiry that informs a potential articles of impeachment that the House of Representatives,

the lower House of votes on, and then the Senate will vote whether to remove Trump from office. So if he does get removed from office, it'll either be after he's out of office or in the middle of his second term or possibly after the world ends. So it's one of those three possibilities we will be without Trump. Right.

Well, Harry, this is starting to sound like a delicately balanced system of checks and balances and procedures for very slowly and carefully a judging someone's fitness for office. And I just feel like that's a deeply inappropriate way to approach Trump's presidency. I mean, he lives by the sword, he dies by the sword. This is a man who should be judged in some sort of kangaroo court, ideally with rotten tomatoes being thrown in one bucket or another to judge whether you're a Romanian officer or not. That's the only kind of judgment he'll understand. Since you opened the door to the phrase kangaroo court, is that a thing in Australia?

Yeah. I plead the fifth, which we don't have in Australia. Yes. So the impeachment inquiry started and Bill Taylor, the top US diplomat in Ukraine revealed that Trump had spoken with Gordon Sandland, the US ambassador to the European Union about the investigation. So that's the second phone call. And the investigations, of course, are against the Biden's Claiming that they had something to do with election interference With Ukraine. It's part of a conspiracy theory that Ukraine interfered in the 2016 elections not Russia in this parallel world

Hillary is president So Taylor then testified that his aide later asked Sonlin what Trump thought of Ukraine. And then this is what Taylor said. Ambassador Sonlin responded that President Trump cares more about the investigations of Biden, which Giuliani was pressing for. And yes, the Giuliani involved is Rudy Giuliani, the former mayor of New York City, who is Trump's lawyer, because of course he is. And he's best known, especially in New York, for cleaning up Times Square, which means he arrested sex workers and moved homeless people up state and patty wagons, which apparently still exist patty wagons. And also, he was the mayor when 9-11 happened,

and he did a good job. And by doing a good job, I mean, he did not say, well, we did deserve it. Yeah. Well, I guess that's something, isn't it? It's, I mean, it is impossible for most of us to follow, I think, the whole impeachment process. I feel that I'm missed a couple of days news at some point.

And it's like trying to join a box set about three episodes in. I just can't quite keep track of who's, who Donald Trump's response so far has been essentially to say, talk to the hand that tiny, tiny hand. And it's, it does seem like the whole US political system has designed to prevent anything happening ever. That is great. Well, first of all, let me just address the hand thing. I do realize having a small hand seems like a negative thing,

but the Trump's fairness, it does make his dick look bigger. I'll just have to take your word for that. I thought you were going to say it makes fisting the nation less frictional. I've inspired by this whole, I'm inspired by this whole impeachment proceeding sort of investigation process and I would like to announce an impeachment investigation of you Andy. What? I'd like to suggest that you're involved in quid pro quo with foreign governments where you've offered the military and humanitarian assistance if they've promised to investigate

your political enemies, which I assume it being you is all politicians and people who don't like cricket. Yeah, that's fair enough. I've thought quid pro quo was a bargain, to be honest. I've gone in for a whole fiver. It does seem a rather long and convoluted process. And of course, wading through the Trumpic slurry that has been powerhosed all over Washington in the president's noble effort to clean the swamp is no easy task.

His inventory of the infractious is catalog of contraventions is, he be GBCV if you will, his cruculin G's are long marks about as a potential impeachy. But it's tough to narrow down to a single impeach where the act of naughtiness from the vassuviuses of vinality and the cracker toers of crucery that have been erupting since he took control of the keys of Air Force One. I mean, he be GVCV is gold and he... I was too enamored with the alliteration. Obviously, the problem is you can't just be impeached for being a which seems to be one of the complications in the process. But even for being unethical,

has Trump's ethical bankruptcies actually far out to even his financial ones, which is really pretty impressive. I mean, he's been declared ethically bankrupt. I think now 350 times, but of course he just rumbles on it, so other people who suffer in the wake of it. Well, they're gonna frame, you know, kind of frame this as an example of bribery, right? Because he was essentially bribing a government

by denying aid for it to investigate a political enemy. So that technically is a high crime against the US government. So I guess on the technicality they're going to get them. After all this, after all this, it was a phone call. Of course the bug will be the world's exclusive source of all information about the impeachment as it rumbles on for the next 50 to 100 years. Trump, of course, not everything he says, is patently untrue. In a rush off to honesty this week, he insisted that America's military presence in Syria is, quote, only for the oil. Now, I mean, we should cling to this, shouldn't we? Is, you know, just a little hint that he can be honest with us.

Well, see, I feel conflicted, Andy, because it's the most honest statement ever on American foreign policy in the Middle East. But it's not because he's an honest politician, it's because he's a crude politician. And yes, there's a double meaning on the word crude. Q Andy, look at what you've done. I can drag you down to my level. Oh, there are puns in the act now, Andy. There used to not be puns in the act. This is your fault.

So by saying that America is in Syria only for the oil, whereas his own officials in Cicero that were there to fight against ISIS. What Trump is essentially saying is that ISIS are fine if they pledge to secure the oil for the rest of the world's behalf. If they secure the oil, then Trump is essentially saying they can treat themselves as many sex slaves and public executions as they want us. So as they keep American cars on the road, who cares about the odd bit of genocide, the out of sight, out of mind? I mean, who cares about the destruction

of irreplaceable architectural treasures? If the oil is falling, in fact, what the heck? Just have a special private opening at the Metin, New York, bring your own access and sledgehammers. Maybe a can if you're a precious homemade petrol to and knock yourselves out. Also by claiming that the military is only there to steal Syrian oil, that's actually a violation

of international law. Just wanted to point that out in case anyone is keeping score at home regarding what laws the U.S. breaks internationally and is not enforceable because we got the nukes. I just feel like this is another example of the Republicans engaging in their current tactic of banaming the national and indeed international psyche with increasingly incomprehensibly unforgivable soundbites. It's the news equivalent of putting prisoners into a room and playing loud heavy metal music at the Monteleir Spurut breaks and they become politically catatonic.

You remember that, remember that under Bush when that was a scandal? Now that sounds like a fucking holiday. I would pay for that. What's that to me to be fair to Trump? I mean, how would he know it was a violation of international law? I mean, that's an achievable goal. He's not even mastered not violating the law in his own country. We can't expect him to get on top of international law as well.

Let's take it in, baby steps. Again, like Trump's own officials say the military is there to fight ISIS, which again, goes against what he's been saying, but to be fair, he responded, who are you gonna believe me or them? Most of these guys just got here and aren't gonna be here too soon anyway.

And then he played a solo on the fiddle. Because of a because of Nero. It's a Nero reference. We love we love Nero references. And then Secretary of State Esper said that Trump meant that he wanted to guard the oil to prevent ISIS from getting the oil and then making money to buy arms. So Esper said that, I'm sure Asus colleagues were congratulating him on the killer lie. Trump repeatedly said, we're keeping the oil, we have the oil, the oil is secure, we left troops behind only for the oil, we have the oil. The oil is secure.

We left troops behind only for the oil. That is an actual quote. We're keeping the oil. We have the oil. The oil is secure. We left troops behind only for the oil. It is really scandalous for an powers of nefarious intent should definitely not be using oil to buy weaponry, the way to get

weaponry is to make a deal with Trump to investigate his political enemies. Had a rather entertaining meeting with between Trump and Résip Erdogan this week with Trump said he's a great fan of Erdogan, which is a slightly old way of of describing someone who's perpetrating some hideous acts of repression and similarly international illegality but great fan. It also seems pretty inconsistent with the fact that he very recently threatened Urduan via the form of a letter and then presumably hit on him on MSN messenger. And

MSN messenger. Just different forums for different messages. That's fantastic with Erdogan. Just confuse him into compliance. I mean, he says he's a big fan of Erdogan the same way I'm a big fan of Ariana Grande. Like, she's been around a little while now, but I just heard of her, and I barely know most of her songs,

or who she's murdered. Well, he knows he needs to pardon a turkey, right? Oh, boom. What have you done to her? What have you done, Andy? I'm leaving. I'm leaving one hell of a legacy for humanity through this show. Hosting Erdogan in the White House,

I think part of it was just to make sure the Kurds know that the breakup with them is official. He just really rubbed in their faces. Well, that's what you get for allowing us to violate your trust. That's what you get for allowing us to violate your trust. Wild Bore News Now, Alice, you are the Bugles resident while the animals correspondent and also the Bugles drug trade correspondent. Your two roles of the Overlapse somewhat this week. Yes, Andy. It's been a great year for Pig-related chaos as a stash of cocaine in an Italian forest

was rummaged by a bunch of wild boars. 22,000 dollars worth of cocaine was hidden in the woods and completely destroyed by a gang of wild boars which presumably wanted to have a box night or something. Police were dismantling this muggling operation in Tuscany after they had placed a wire tap on members of the gang and then their scoop was scooped by a bunch of pigs which I think is probably you know if you want to be rude about the police, somehow ironic. Yeah, it was a rather fascinating story this, that they, that they, that they, the police discovered about the wild boars through this wiretap with the, the dealers

complaining about that these animals digging up their stash of the socially ruin of salt and sugar substitute. The report said it is not known what happened to the animals, although there were other reports of the group of world bores started aggressively speculating on the international derivatives markets with a rather high risk short term deals whilst making frantic comments about people conspiring to turn them into ham. I guess we shouldn't blame the bores too much, though, although no world bores have expressed even the slightest guilt about or even awareness of the trail of human devastation in the cocaine supply chain. So frankly, they deserve to be eaten in a delicious, intensely flavored pasted dish.

Some of the boars lost all out of weight and some were calling friends to borrow $50. Three of them are pitching a special to HBO as we speak. We do a lot of cocaine in our industry. It's such a shame. I've never done any drugs. Maybe that's where my career has been going wrong. I've drink tea. A friend of mine once talked me into taking mushrooms and then banned me from taking mushrooms on the on the premise that my brain was too weird already.

Whether and or divine punishment for the way we're living as humans news now and well, there've been floods and fire across across the world. Venice has become a large puddle as well as Europe's largest urban car free area There've been floods in the north of England to which Boris Johnson the Prime Minister sprang into action like a rotten pumpkin and Fire has been raging well across Australia and also recently in in California I mean, we're basically just living through the start of the end times Alice, you're in Sydney was that the latest on the Australian fire situation? Well, it's a terrible disaster over here, Andy. We have fires all over the place. We have numbers of people dying. It's such a shame when you read about flooding

while the sky is full of smoke. It just feels like a problem of a distribution of resources when you're reading about flooding in Venice. Traditionally, one of the more flooded already cities that whole place is underwater. It has to be a lot more underwater to count as more underwater. While things are, things over here are desperately on fire. It's a really beautiful and terrible thing to see the best of people coming out in response to these kinds of national disaster the volunteer firefighting services behaving incredibly well And even if you feel like we're on a downhill slope towards the apocalypse environmentally speaking It does give you hope that maybe the post-apocalyptic thunder dome will be a sort of a

neighborly kind of place At least until you hear politicians try to leverage it to make their political points or go on Twitter to see people call each other Nazis for believing in climate change or not believing in climate change or not having an opinion about climate change. Classic fascist agenda being pro-anti whatever it is that you're against. Specifically, politicians have come out to say stupid things as they often do, but Barnaby Joyce, among all politicians, has covered himself in glory.

If you don't know Barnaby Joyce, renowned hat wearer, celebrated human-friendly, the condensed milk of discarded foreskins, man of the people, if by people you mean idiots and by man you mean idiots. He's a newsworthy sausage factory. He's a newsworthy sausage factory of political ineptitude and he has come out in full force in response to two tragic bushfire deaths. Now Andy you might ask did he express sympathy for the victims and speaking delicate kindness to unite the nation in the face of this ongoing catastrophe? Did he f*** what he said was the people who died were most likely greens of otas who had been against back burning and therefore deserved presumably to be burned

in a terrible and tragic way. Fortunately most of Australia has come out to call him an absolute nucle but nonetheless there are people who support this particular perspective and it genuinely makes me want to punch people. It's truly extraordinary, old deputy prime minister at Michael McCormack accused the greens of being inner city raving lunatics for bringing up climate change whilst discussing the current round of fires. Inner city raving lunatics generally side with tens of thousands of peer-reviewed scientists. Generally, the lunatic tends to go on a slightly more maverick tip.

Well, I mean, this back-burning situation is a really interesting one. It's been too dangerous to do back-burning in recent years partly because of heightened temperatures, which risk any back burning kind of going out of control, which means there's quite a build up, which is why these fires are so broadly spread and round about the place. So there is one of those, it's one of those sort of tiny scraps of almost truths that have been blown up into a stick to beat the Greens Party with, and also the grieving families of these tragically dead people. It's really politics at its finest. Donald Trump managed to turn the California foie gras into a petty political spat. I'm not sure is there any political issue that Trump could not reduce to some kind of bitter personal argument. No.

Okay, good. I'm glad that he's just clarified that for us, hurry. Here in England, there's been floods across large parts of the north of the country. It took Boris Johnson five days to visit the affected area, albeit in that time. He did have time to record a bullshit campaign video in his London office. So, I mean, clearly, you have these things to take at least four and a half days to record. One of the women cleaning up the area around her house said to Boris Johnson, you've not helped us. I don't know what you're here for today. It's quite clear what he was there for to look like he gives slightly a bit of a shit, but Boris Johnson was accused of outrageous lack of concern

But to be fair the floods are in the north of England He grew up mostly in London and abroad was schooled at eaten and Oxford So he was probably waiting for those five days for confirmation that the north of England was actually real Up until that point it had only existed to some kind of mythic Dark land to be feared and ideally destroyed. He did start chipping in with the cleanup however he was filmed mopping up in a branch of the optician spec savers now look people criticizing for having the kind of mop technique of someone who would

never ever used a mop now I'm I'm not really in a position to get on my high horse and criticize someone for being a little unfamiliar with the best techniques required to get the most out of a household mop. I mean, it is not my personal sphere of expertise, either. But what was what really laid Johnson's cards on the table here was that he was helping clean up a branch of spec savers. Now this is a company with a global revenue of 2.7 billion pounds whose owners are themselves now, billionaires. They were the people he was helping out. It was them. It's almost, I'm sure it wasn't deliberate, but he just has this subconscious urge to help out billionaires. It just comes out of the most unexpected places. We're still four weeks away from the election on the 12th of December, but Boris Johnson doesn't think that's been some kind of challenge to see how incompetent, incoherent, and implausible

he can be and still win that general election. And according to the polls, he's got a lot more wiggle room. So expect him to up his games in urinating through the window of an old people's home within the next couple of weeks while screaming, not so bad Jeremy Corbyn killed 30 million people in the purges. And I still prefer him to Trump. Still. Vugal astronomy section now and well the stars appear to be staying largely where they are as far as we can make out from here. But some exciting news this week in the world of astronomy that one star is fleeing fleeing the Milky Way at 1000 miles a second after an encounter with a super massive black hole at the centre of the Milky Way galaxy and this star is hot-footing it

out of everyone's favorite galaxy. Run for cover, you little bastard. When the go-and-get-hot, the cowardly stars get out of the galaxy. I mean, what is it, what is it, Flig? I mean, has this brain provoked? Well, this makes complete sense to me. Yeah. You see, the star is heading out of the Milky Way after an encounter with a black hole It this sounds like the first ever case of intergalactic white flight What happened started the black hole look at you wrong and now you're afraid of all black holes Maybe you should get to know the black hole have the black hole over for coffee. I mean you all live in the universe together Where you gonna go I mean, you all live in the universe together. Where are you going to go?

I mean, very moving. I'm very glad that you did that, but not me. For me, this is a perfect example of how I am at a party. I enter the party at a high velocity. I engage with the biggest black hole in the room and then I flee immediately, ideally at 1,700 kilometres a second. That is way more sociable than I am at parties.

That's why we get on so well Andy. We both hate fun. I went to some friends of ours where we live in South London, had our little fireworks party last weekend. And basically the friends of my daughter. And as she said, thank you so much for coming, Daddy. I know you hate social situations. That's when your children have reached that level of knowledge about you.

You know that your role as a parent is almost over. My favorite part of the story about the black hole is the description by Gary DeCosta, who's an astronomer and emeritus professor at the Australian National University. He said what had happened was that the star, which fled, was originally part of a binary star system that had come extremely close to the central black hole, which has this massive equivalent, like as a mass equivalent, like four million sons worth of mass. But so these twin stars approached the black hole, and at some point, and just tell me this doesn't sound like every real-eship break-up you've ever heard. At some point, the closer of the two stars switched into a binary partnership with the black hole that would ultimately end in it being gobbled

up and disappearing into oblivion. The dynamics of that interaction resulted in the original partner being ejected at extremely high speed. The process, I even know, as the hills mechanism after the astronomer, Jack Hills, who suffered an extremely painful break-up. You think it the black hole's name, did you was it Sarah? In Elon Musk news news now, Elon Musk is back in the news for doing something that is either extremely benevolent or undeniably villainous and probably both. He's launching tens of thousands of small satellites that are called Starlink satellites into low earth orbit, and many astronomers are extremely worried because having thousands of satellites between the earth and the stars

sort of gets in the way of their job, not only can the satellites interfere with their radio wavelengths of their equipment, but it's also they're proving to be brighter than Elon Musk said that they would be. James Lohanthol, who's an astronomer at Smith College, said thousands of these extremely bright satellites could make it look as if the whole sky is crawling with stars, which makes him me question why he's an astronomer, doesn't he know the whole sky is crawling with stars already. But worse, these bright satellites could end up interfering with dark sky surveys and large telescopes. And Lowenthal said to the Times, it potentially threatens the science of astronomy itself. Which, you know, what are we going to do with hundreds? How many astronomers are there with tens of astronomers out of work

and turning the market with cheaper astronomy work? Well, they're going to have to go underground and unlicensed, aren't they? I mean, let's be honest. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. They could just be guessing anyway. We don't know. Astronomers could say anything about the sky and I believe them. I believe

that thing about the supermassive black hole. Will this have any impact on astrology? What could I really live in it up? Couldn't I? If I got all these extra stars to predict the future from? Well, people would care then about the story if it was astrology. Yeah, Mars will always be in the house of Venus. Like, like, base of people are hearing this story and they're like astronomy. But what does that have to do with me? Me.

Something happened in the universe that I also existed. What does that have to do with me? Astrology. Oh, okay. What does that say about how I deal with work stress? You know my cousin is a as a doctor of space junk. So this is very relevant to her My cousin Alice the other Alice a doctor of space junk. Yes Yes, Dr. Space junk. She is a she was a normal

She was a normal archaeologist and then she was on a dig in the middle of Australia. She looked up at the stars and thought, there's junk up there. Most of what archaeologists do is dig up junk and she thought, there's junk up there. She invented her own field of science. Now, she's quite important. Chiseling away at bits of space. Yeah, it just shows that the Alice's in our family take deep risks with our careers. Dr. Spacejunk is my favorite parliament record.

My favorite parliament record is Hansard. Australian Hansard, you gotta go back to like the early, early 1900s and see them calling each other sheepsteelers. Genuinely, if you're interested in reading very boring legal documents, that is gold. British election update now, under four weeks to go now and a lot of thought is turning to tactical voting. Oh, we have a system in this country that basically means it's almost certainly not worth voting in line with what you actually think

So what you what we basically end up thinking in the ballot box is something along lines of I hate that bastard But I hate that bastard even more so I'm gonna vote for the first bastard even though I disagree with both of those bastards Because none of the other bastards got a chance of beating the first two bastards So it's a it's a complicated system It's it's not gonna tell us what the country actually thinks It's possibly gonna tell us what the country will just about allow itself to tolerate British voting is a lot like the British social interaction system You never say what you think you just sort of passive aggressively

Rump in a non-specific direction and hope they get the hint That that's I mean it is basically based hinting, as is indeed is all British communication. We're at the ludicrous promises stage of the election four weeks out. The party's this week. I couldn't really be asked to find out what they're actually promising because they clearly don't mean it. Labour's by saying free everything for everyone. The Tories are saying, well don't let them give you free everything for everyone. That's irresponsible. We'll give you free everything for everyone instead. Basically saying better the devil that's been ruining your ruining your life for the last nine years than the devil that might ruin it

differently instead. The promise that may have been proposed by parties this week had I been reading them include a free lung for everyone over the age of 40, a guaranteed place in the top 50 of the world tennis rankings for all British primary school children and a free personal nuclear deterrent for every household. I'll vote for whoever promises to reconcile those binary stars. Sport now and Horry baseball has been rocked by another cheating scandal just a hundred years since the Black Sox scandal of 1990, once again, the sport shaking to its goal. That's ignoring all the other scandals that have been in between. But what exactly have, have Houston been up to?

Well, first of all, Houston Astros are known for being superior in terms of their analytics. Like they're known as a team that uses science when they make their draft picks, when they make trades, everything is based on math and numbers. So everyone's been talking about that. Oh, don't you just made baseball sound even more boring to me, Harry? What you're telling me math doesn't make baseball even more fun. And so that's like what they've been credited for.

But recently there have been allegations that the team has illegally used electronic equipment to steal opponent's pitching signs during their championship season two years ago. So what would happen is the team used a camera in the outfield to steal the signs that the opposing pitcher was flashing, which would indicate what the pitch was going to be.

And then they would indicate it to the batter generally by banging loudly on a trash can. Oh, it's that. Yeah. They communicate like raccoons. It pretty much. I love the fact that all this talk about science and math, and ultimately, oh, he hit the trash can two times.

That's a curveball. It's also the best use of a trash can in a sport other than how it's used in professional wrestling where people use trash cans to bash other people's brains in, which honestly, if you added that element to baseball, it would be a lot more enjoyable. If instead of banging on it to indicate the pitch, you simply randomly throughout the game came out and smashed another player's head in with a trash can. Well, Harry, you know, I am pro any part of sport evolution that ends up with all sports

becoming the Thunderdome. Well, it's interesting this isn't it that, yeah, what you've got here is a sport coming into contact with technology and having to decipher code. So what you've got here is a sport coming into contact with technology and having to decipher codes. So what you've got here is a clash between jocks and nerds. And I mean, that can never end well, can it? I'm saying, I mean, that's what I'm saying. Well, the jocks, one out.

Yeah. The nerds were like, well, let's look at all this math and we can analyze it to find out and it's like, oh, yeah, okay, or I'll hit this trash can twice. And then you'll know what the curveball if it's a fastball hit or what? It wasn't just the trash can hugely complicated methods of conveying to the battle what picture was coming next They'd have a secret hot dog vendor standing by the pitch screaming extra mustard, extra mustard when a fastball was coming. They would have someone in the stands talk very, very loudly about the Titanic when a

sinker was on the way and a takeaway delivery rider would ride out to home plate on a little moeped with a with a portion of the German Schweincheckser-Rostid Pork Nuckoldisch, when a knuckleball was on the way. So it got into it pretty deep. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. It's slightly tricky at it for Chris. We've been in three different places with slightly awkward delay on the Skype calls. I'm sure by the time you listen to this Bugle, it will be sounding as if we're all gathered around a campfire. Chris, we've been in three different places with slightly awkward delay on the Skype calls. I'm sure by the time you listen to this, Bugle, it will be sounding as if we're all gathered

around a campfire, stick some campfire effects all there, Chris. In whose with a delay of which are the three consonants that we're recording in? I was wondering why I wasn't getting enough laughs and it's like, oh, you all didn't hear the joke on time. That's what it was. I thought my jokes were hitting, but it was just that you were getting him late and at the moment had passed. Sure, Harry. Sure. Yeah. Alice is technically asleep. I am. I am. Don't forget to book your tickets for my end-of-year review show and These old songs 2019 the certifiable history also featuring Alice Fraser at the so-ho theatre on the 15th of December until the 4th of January with various days off amongst

Those there are some preview shows in London as well So if you want to come and see a really ramshackle at non-functioning version of it come to those But apparently come to the finished show More importantly come to those, but apparently come to the finished show more importantly. Come to both. Alex. Come to both. I guarantee you the trial shows will be absolutely nothing like what the show shows will be like.

I have shows. Yes, I have a show in Canberra on the 20th of November at the Civic Pub. I have a show in Sydney, in Sydney on the 23th of November at the Civic pub. I have a show in Sydney in Sydney on the 23rd of November and that's at a secret warehouse. So if you go to pubifyer.com you can find out where that is. I still don't know. And my show Mythos is now available for free as a podcast on the ABC stand-up comedy stream. Just look it up on your local pod catcher if you want to steal my work from me for no money. I just can't I can't seem to stop giving my work away for free Andy. It's a it's why I need Patreon. People to pay me for nothing so I can keep giving other people my stuff and nothing. How are any shows coming up?

Yes, I'm doing a little Wisconsin tour next week because the best time to go to Wisconsin is in November. So I'll be in, I'll be in O'Claire, Wisconsin in November 20th at the plus. Apparently, BoniVare lives in O'Claire, Wisconsin. So if I had no them, tell them to come to the plus on November 20th. And by Boni Vare, I mean Boni Vare. And then I'll be in Madison, Wisconsin, at the comedy on state, November 21 to 23. And then I'll be in Milwaukee, November 24th at the back room at the

Colock Tivo. Then I do a little Hawaii tour, December 2nd in Maui, Mulligan's on the blue, December 5th in Honolulu, two shows at the blue note, and then I close out the year of touring, December 14th, in Las Vegas, at the Flamingo Hotel, in the Donnie, in the Donnie and Marie showroom. Because apparently whoever booked me has never seen a clip of my standup.

So I'm performing at the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas in the Donnie and Marie showroom. So those tickets still available. If you get a chance, also warn your relatives my Netflix special is still streaming. Yeah. To go to all of those shows, Bueglers, we will now play you out with some more lies about our premium

voluntary subscribers thanks to everyone who has contributed to the continuing independence and existence and advert-frenus of the Buegl to join them go to theBueglpodcast.com and click donate. Cors.com and click Donate. Greg Dawson dabbles as an inventor of deliberately unsalable creations in order to retain his love of the art and craft of invention without sullying it with money. His finest products to date include the soluble urinal, the barking breast pump and the tectonic quake pillow. Sonia Wurzel is eternally puzzled by how on earth and why on earth, the human race managed

to develop, amongst other things, the unicycle, jelly, the harpsichord, and above all, taramous el Arthur. Philip Jones thinks that a glowing fang could be the next surprise celebrity fashion accessory. It would look striking when celebs pose for photos at awards ceremonies, claims Philip, and frankly it's only a couple of logical steps beyond the full sleeve tattoo. Hannah Wallin thinks that films these days are way too obsessed with special effects at the expense of plot and characterisation, and believes that a solution to this is to allow directors only one special effect per film. She thinks this would make for more

interesting films and absolutely phenomenal mega special effects. Spencer Otterson is pleased that the letter X is so prominent in mathematics since it is largely marginalized in spelling, despite the heroic efforts of the Basque language. Spencer is in fact such a fan of the letter X that he sometimes leaves written notes summoning cats which simply say xxxxxx. Nick Kaiser, which of course would have been good advice to a policeman going on holiday in Germany in around 1910, finds himself oddly moved when he sees single vegetables left in the fridge after all their previous packet mates have been eaten and was once moved to write a poem entitled Ode to a Solitary Carrot. Keith Waters was so inspired by the idea of a water cannon

for dealing with civil disturbance that he now carries a garden hose and a 150 litre tank of water with him wherever he goes, just in case he needs to do any minor crowd control or queue alignment. Michael DePrice finds that it helps in social and work situations, if when going through a door marked entrance, you read it as, in trance, putting you in the mood to be quite captivating company. to be quite captivating company. Baylor Hahn thinks fishing as a sport would be more impressive if the fish were not caught with a rod and hook which seems a bit mean these days, but were instead coaxed by the participants into a special paddling pool using simply the power of song. Furthermore, ads Baylor, I would pay to watch that.

Scott Lipsig was once a long time ago on a date in which conversation turned to sport stars with the names of fish. Scott ventured baseball at Mike Trout, former rugby international Jamie Salmon and ex-England footballer Steve Guppey. When his date suggested early 20th century cricketer, Arthur Dolphin, Scott said, this is obviously not going to work out. Tim Lehman overhearing the end of that conversation, but it in and claimed to the now abandoned date that there had been a professional golfer called Dusky Gruper, a world champion 1930s boxer called Wright Eye Flounder, a grand national winning horse called Redlit Blenny, and an NFL legend by the name of Staghorn Scalpin. The date said,

Are you sure those are all A-fish and B-sport stars? And Tim said, Scott was right, you're incompatible. Here endeth this week's lies. you