The Bugle - Bugle 4131 - Hot PUSA

Episode Date: November 23, 2019

Andy and Nish are joined by the excellent Jena Friedman for an x-rated race through billionaire kinks, election funk and sexy presidents. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world Hello, you glows. Yes, I'm fine. Thanks you. Oh, ah, yeah, right. Sorry. I asked you tried one of those creams right It's business time. This is bugle issue 4131. I am Andy Zoltzmann Lord of all I survey Which is my laptop mostly with crickets that is on it. I'm here, obviously, that could have gone without a saying,

but as I saw from the case, it didn't. Specifically in London, where I'm joined. Firstly by Nish Kumar, welcome back Nish. Hello Andrew, hello, buglers. How are you? I'm, I'm okay. What's wrong, what's wrong, Zoltz? Well, that's a real sense of honor.

What are you around you today? Your hair is even slightly flatter than usual. Really? I think that's because I pulled my hat down, particularly hot because it was quite cold on the way in. Right, right. It's, well, I mean, we've still got almost four weeks of the election campaign.

You got it, you can't be this haggard. Well, I was pretty much broken on day one. And I've not got any less Irritated ever since how are you dealing with it? You're like a marathon runner who's called for a foil blanket at mile one. Yes Yes, it's we got I feel okay about it. Right. I think My expectations are so low that You know if any of them stand up and speaking complete sentences, I'm

now like, yes, we're getting there. Right. I've still, I've got stomach for the fight. I'm ready. That's good to hear. I don't think I've ever seen you this sad. I don't think I've ever seen you this sad whilst England are playing a test series. Yeah.

Well, I mean, luckily they're not currently playing for the record. I'm fully focused and dialed in. Joining us from the other side of the Atlantic, it's a bugle debut. It's a great pleasure to welcome for the first time on this show, the wonderful Jenna Friedman. Hello, Jenna. Hello. We're just free. Hello. Ah, my God. I'm just frying. But, I didn't go. How's it going?

She, you didn't tell me we were bugling with Dick Van Dyke. That sounds like a horrible, you can say. It's really nice to be here. Or, to, in spirit. Yes. So I'm really glad that your sub-er of doing shows

that the end of Edinburgh fridge has paid off with a flawless accent, Jenna. Absolutely flawless. And the only thing I know how to say from this, it's like, it's not my fault. It's not my fault. My British accent. Well, I could get you a very long way in this country.

Yeah, I mean, that's been our country's motto. That's very much all right. I'd do you a very long way in this country. Yeah, I mean, that's been our country's motto. That's very much all right, due to our own history, Jenna. You've absolutely nailed it. It's not me fault, okay, I'm done. Our national motto is, do you, in Mont-de-Ar, which is in French and basically saying,

it's God's fault, not our fault. So, Jenny, you are in L.A. How is the home of Chobis? The home of Chobis is wherever this bugle is, of this pop-up swing of coordinates, you well know. How's Los Angeles these days? It's cool. I mean, we had a couple fires. They're gone now, which is cool. They'll be back

like tomorrow, but today, you know, you can run outside if you want. It's super chill. Right. That's good. Good to hear. As always, section of the bugle is going straight in the mid this week. And art section. And we review was very exciting development in the art world. Deep fakes have not just existing in terms of fake videos, but now creating entire new pieces of artwork by great masters from the art past. Deep fakes in a new exhibition include Edwar Manay's idiot, primping himself before a night out on the lash, the haunting evocation of the Holiness of modern 21st century vanity. A new Rembrandt, the 17th century Dutch no-make-up selfie pioneer and hidden easel bathroom, snoop-hound

voyeur purve, as I believe he's officially known. A new series of self-portraits, more pouty and smiley than his earlier stuff for a 21st century audience. Peter Paul Rubens is sensuously flesh-filled new peace entitled hands-off's use brackets those days are over. And Jotto's controversial new crucifixion fresco depicting Jesus looking a bit bored after 20 years on death robe talking to a lawyer about Tronna launching new podcast. And of course, not forgetting 1600 Italian Baroque art star Artemisia Gentileschi's salomey recoils in horror after checking her social media. We are recording on 22nd of November, on this day in 1574, the Spanish navigator Juan Fernández

discovered islands of Chile called the Juan Fernández Islands. Imagine the look on his face. Juan Fernandez Islands. Imagine the look on his face. Oh that way. On this day 1963 John F. Kennedy was assassinated and the Beatles released their second studio album. So someone didn't want to go over Shadow. Really feels like you're connecting the two there Andy. Are you alleging that with the Beatles is somehow responsible for the death of JFK? Look, we can't rule it out, can we? I mean, have you heard a better explanation?

Well, I mean, I don't honestly don't think I have. I didn't see the, I saw the Irishman this week, which is sort of three and a half hours of white men suffering, which is obviously my ideal afternoon. But there was a sort of real, there is a real spicy theory about the Kennedy assassination that comes up in that film. But unfortunately, my view of it was mad by a man who went to the toilet and then returned with a full glass of wine, really not learning the lessons of his own bladder. Right. Yeah. It's just it's comforting that you guys are both saying that he's dead because

there's a whole movement in our country on the rise, QAnon, that um, things he's still alive. So thanks for studying a record straight. I mean, that is American wishful thinking taken to its logical extreme. And they're an active political segment of the population. They might be a party soon. So JFK is not dead. And he's just announced he's running

his Democrat candidate. There's a hologram of JFK. I hope so. He would be so much safer for our country. What he would be 102 now. So, so, couple of years short of Biden. Boom! Yeah, and try pressing the nuclear accords when you don't have a finger. 25th November Monday is Blas Aida, apparently. Oh, is it really? It's well Blas A Day.

Where the f*** have you found that out from? It's a day of the year website, apparently. It's a day where you've got to be Blas A about stuff. There's not much detail about it online, which seems entirely proof. So on Monday, please remember, everyone to sit back, hook your smartphone up to the internet, bang in your Bluetooth headphones.

What's the present at the USA behaving like a laboratory toddler that's had a few too many experiments done on it, an order of box of pickle leels to be delivered within 30 minutes to your house and think, yes, not all that is it. On the 25th of November 1947, the Hollywood 10 were blacklisted as part of the Red Scare Wow, and It's me think if my Carthiast communist witch hunts were happening today Which celebrities would be suspected of dangerously leftist leanings? Well, I mean this podcast wouldn't be happening for one thing Well, I well actually this is essentially another section in the bin

But I've examined the red credentials of Justin Bieber I mean his first name is basically Joseph Stalin with some bits pissed out and spelled wrong in the modern way Selena Gomez whose most recent album had no songs entitled I Hate Breation if and everything he stood for and Robin Thick who copied an idea and did it worse which is classic communist behavior. So you know No smoke without fire. How do you know who Salina Gomez is? Of course, the internet. What's your favourite thing about Salina Gomez? What's your favourite sauce? Salina Gomez. I'm not really going to go mess. Oh, well, raw, raw raspy tin. That's a great one, actually.

It's like a part of your injury, like part of your head sustained an injury and your popular culture and popular music capacity ended in about 1997. That you think it probably ended the moment I was born. 390% of the music guy owned was made by the people who probably died before I entered the world. And Boni M. And Boni M.

Of course. God rest there. Still alive souls. Top story this week, a huge breakthrough for humanity, doctors have managed to put humans into a state of suspended animation in a groundbreaking trial. Wait, really? Quickly as... and what's the difference between suspended animation and just being British? I mean, this is a very complex...

I'm having a hard time writing that. animation and just being British. I mean this is a very complex. First question to come in. On your beautiful debut. Well in this case you it's your brain that's frozen whereas obviously in order to be British it's your heart, economy and sense of moral gratitude. Looking at the state of the world, yeah. Would you, if you were offered right now, 30 years of suspended animation, would you take it and hope to work

wake up in a better world, or would you say no, I think it's gonna get even worse? I mean, to be honest, this whole new story is slightly blowing a hole in my whole sense of self because I had assumed that the entire world is just a dream I was having while I was putting suspended animation in about 2016, sort of January 2016. And my current theory is that I ate a metric

of cheese before I fell asleep. Now for Jenner's benefit, that is a 2,2004 pound. Ah! Ah! Ah! Just I don't want Americans to be left out of the units of measurement. Ah!

Ah! Yeah, still cleaning onto that bit of empire. Ah! Can't let it all go, can't we? Oh, I can't be picking two, Sreepin. Ah! I imagine that a lot of people in Los Angeles I can't let it all go. Oh, I can't be picking two, Sreepin. I imagine that a lot of people in Los Angeles would have seen this story and thought,

yeah, I can live forever now. Yeah, we definitely read. So I mean, would you like to suspend an animation now to wake up, you know, on the morning of the election next year or to be on the safe side in January 2025 or 2029. Would I rather wake up then? Yes. No, I think we're like we're getting like the last gasp of like actual air that's breathable

and I'm into it. Like, see the day. It's only going to get worse. Yeah, you don't want to, you don't want to come out of suspended animation into a post climate change induced Mad Max apocalypse. You don't want to wake up into that. You want to ease your chances. Or just like New Delhi right now.

You don't have oxygen bars where they can't breathe except for in a bar. Can you imagine you just have to go to a bar and be social just to breathe? Well let's look more at the state of America. As a nation, like so many epic series, the story of the USA started out in a really intriguing manner but it's cheapened itself with ridiculously outlandish plotlines and overdrawn characters and has become largely self-indulgent naval gazing and the whole franchise is going totally to shit. I need to go back to what made it worth one in the first place, which of course was being British, but a little bit different. So...

The impeachment proceedings currently have gripped the world's attention. What have you made of it this week? Look, Fiona Hill is awesome. It's cool to just... It was such a breath of fresh air to hear someone just like talking about things in a way that isn't so convoluted. I'm also inspired by the Republicans' ability to just like twist realities at the point

where we're all just questioning it constantly. I think in terms of like oratory skills, the Republicans are so slippery, it's actually cool to watch. And Trump might get impeached, but it might not even matter. People are saying that they think he'll be impeached by like Christmas.

Oh, that would be a lovely present. What Christmas was the whole world? I know. The best version of it's a wonderful life. You're doing great, aren't you? I know, I know. Interesting that with Fiona Hill she was born in Britain. When I googled her in preparation for this podcast, I was like, I bet Zoltz was going to write the fact she was born in Britain.

You say she talked in a pleasingly unconvoluted way. That's clearly what she had to leave the country. There was a story about how did you hear the story about how like she was 11 or something and some kid litter hair on fire and she just like padded her hair down and kept like working or something. Did she hear that one? I didn't hear that one. Well it's just it's so British. It's like keep calm and carry on. I saw CNN report saying that she if you had a hill had obviously a very impressive testimony, but it said that she had demolished the Republican talking points on the impeachment. But that is a demolition in the same way that you can demolish an igloo with a hair drive.

Like, given the Republican talking points on impeachment are largely consistent of number one, he didn't do it, number two, but her emails, number three, come on! And number four, quick, look over there, a dog is driving a bus, seriously everyone, stop investigating and look at that bus driving dog. One thing that Fiona Hill said, if you have been put in suspended animation, say, even 10 years ago, and you woke up to see Fiona Hill saying these words, I would ask that directing this to the American, the great and the good of American politics, I would ask you please not to promote politically driven falsehoods that so clearly advance Russian interests.

How does that, has that sentence come into being? Also, if you've been putting, I, Link's suspended that emotion 20 years ago. You'd be going 20 weeks ago. Yeah, but you'd be like two years ago. You told me going, and the guy she's talking about, who is the president, is that bloke from home alone too.

Yeah, are we living in a simulation? Maybe. Maybe we are. That's f***ing hope so. I'm really enjoying this nihilistic phase of your career. I think that's just my career. Just progresses seamlessly towards nothing. Gordon Sondland, the former US ambassador to the EU, had been a Trump ally. The whole Ukraine, was that the expressed direction of the president and he said we all follow

the president's orders and Donald Trump seemed to take this as a full exoneration which was quite extraordinary. They could some some could publish 100 videos of Donald Trump slaying an endangered Arctic tiger cub with his bare hands and then violating its corpse. And he would say this proves that I did nothing wrong. I love cats. And he followed that up with, I mean, even again, it's hard, I feel like we're all overused our hyperbole too

early in the biggest presidency, but another just in a string of extraordinary moments when off the back of the Sunderland testimony, he was sort of interviewed again in this kind of pattern of him being interviewed in a factory that just seemed to produce loud noise. So you can't fully hear what he says. And that definitely is starting to feel like a tactic by his advisors. But he brandished a piece of paper that was a transcription he had made of a phone call with the Ukrainian president.

And a couple of the eagle-eyed photographers actually managed to get a picture of his nose. Now, I know this is not the point, but his notes won Air Force One Headed Stationery. And I really think if the American government is looking to cut back on its spending, they should maybe not start with things like healthcare and welfare and maybe focus on the Headed Stationery

of the president's private play. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. The Democrats had another debate a couple of nights ago in which, well, Kamala Harris said, we have a criminal living in the White House, which does sound like a great tagline

for a film. Sadly, this is a tagline for a documentary. Jennyura, you're a Democrat. Support a Democrat member, I believe. What's your take on how the process is going for selecting the person to be abused by Trump throughout the next year? Well, it wasn't just we just should qualify. It wasn't just the Democratic debates because Tulsi was up there also

But besides Tulsi who the only thing I else I can say about her is that she wasn't on her period She was dressed in all white This you guys just got so weirded out I mean we are pretty arrange about 8,000 miles No, I just admire that she's always in white. So it's the only thing when a woman is, unless it's like Hillary, you know, unless it's like clearly postmenopausal, or when a woman is just like all in a white, it's the first thing I can think that she's not on her period.

I don't know if that's taking us back a, you know, century or whatever. But, yeah, it's interesting. I am worried for us. I think that we have too many people in the race right now and it's hard for us to kind of coalesce around like one person. And, you know, I'll vote for any of them. Again, Tulsi's not a Democrat, but any of the other ones I'll vote for. I just think we shouldn't even have debates. We should all just have them run together

like in like a Captain Planet cartoon or something. I'm really pleased with Tulsie running. America is also being exposed because in this country we've got pretty Patelan Sajjajavit. And America is also being exposed to every Asian kid's least favorite aunt or uncle. also being exposed to every Asian kid's least favorite aunt or uncle. Like, it's really good to know that the diaspora is representing our worst animals. It was the Biden Gaff was pretty spectacular stuff. He claimed that he had the support of the only African American woman elected to the United States Senate referring to how Mosley-Bron. It's a bell, it's awesome.

Yeah, referring to Carol Mosley, Bronn, and ignoring the fact that there is another one, and she was standing next to him. And some Kamala Harris sort of laughing through it was, you know, it was a pretty extraordinary moment. And you know, some people are saying, will this effect Joe Biden But if I'm being completely honest in the current climate

What Joe Biden did was be a bumbling old white man who said something racially insensitive and how such he has never Seemed more presidential Yeah, I think we should all really get behind Biden and might be the for real It might be the only way that we'll end up with a female president in like 2023, because of how time works. But I would totally support Biden or Bernie and then just a, like, you know,

Kamala, Warren, our Klobucharist, like their VP, people are really into boot of judge right now. Yeah, it's like people have remembered that even though he's gay, he's still a white man. It's like this week everyone was like, oh no, hang on, he's still a white guy. Yeah, he wouldn't be the first gay president just the first one who's out. That's a fact that I think he's even said. We are really riding in the bugle exclusive for this way of South America politics. JFK is alive and he's gay as hell.

That's what I feel talking about Franklin Pierce. Lincoln? I mean Lincoln. I mean he was an absolute dreamboat wasn't he? It was a wee fair. What a beard. I mean Lincoln only was an absolute dream boat wasn't it to be fair? Wanna be it? Um, we reduced this episode to debating the who's our presidential gay crush. Well, I mean... Grover Cleveland was all man, wasn't it?

Teddy Roosevelt with that mustache, yes place. Taft. Actually Franklin Pierce was quite hot. Chris is in the studio googling American presidents to rate their relative hotness. I feel tafting as an arcane sexual practice. It's not arcane Andy. We are clearly going through the election process ourselves and our politics is sort of descended into some kind of human centipede of hypocritical

sadomasochistic pittard hoistings as every party points out the lies and wrongdoings of the other parties. Only to have those exact same charges hurled back in their faces. We had the Boris Johnson Jeremy Corbyn debate, which was an absolute festival of pointlessness Britain responded by being stroppy and underwhelmed, as always. And it was, I mean, for democracy fans,

that debate for me was a bit like I mean you're a Bob Dylan fan aren't you? In almost almost to a fault. Um it was like seeing Dylan singing advertising jingles for a pickup artist website just so far away from what it could be. I mean as an American watching it's just it's cool that to see men not being taken seriously It's cool to see men not being taken seriously. A breath of fresh air. Yeah, I mean, there was open love. They were getting love. Proper division.

Yeah, it was proper sort of open division. Yeah. I mean, I've had worse hour long shows. I've got a few alarms standing on stage for an hour than those two managers. Yes, I've had similar laughs, certainly. I've had a scorn and disaffruable and confusion. If it, listen, this is Britain. We should have got them pissed and had them fight each other.

Let's get them to embrace our true national character. It's not high-minded debates over policy issues. It's getting shit-faced and vaguely waving our fists in each other's directions. That's glad to know that. That's glad to know that. That's exactly what they caught the imagination of the public, Andy. One of the most notable things to emerge from this debate was the conservative party transforming the Twitter page of their campaign headquarters, CCHQ, Twitter page,

branding it as Fact Check UK and changing the design of it, the colour of it, it kept at CCHQ in tiny little letters. And passing themselves off as a fact-checking service, but then just slammed everything Corbyn said and declared Boris Johnson the winner of the debate. And even more remarkable than this naked piece of deceit and mendaciousness was the way they responded. Afterwards, Dominic Rob, a one man warning sign for future generations about the dangers of neglecting your political system. I did never, ever elect a man whose surname includes, he announced no one gives a toss about social media. So he didn't, he didn't deny that they'd done this all that it was wrong.

He just said no one cares. Yeah. It's, I mean, I mean, it's all the depressing moments in our recent democratic past. This, this was a, this felt, I mean, because it was kind of irrelevant, but at the same time, it seemed, it symbolized just how awful the processes become. I'm going to say of this incident, what my geography teacher said on my school report after I got 12% in a year I exam. This is not the low point, but one in a series of low points. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to fight W.I.R.R.B. is the foreign secretary of this country and also a man who once confused me for a different Asian man and afterwards refused to apologize.

My expectations of W.I.R.B. he sort of looked at me like I, he just looked mildly confused like I was Eddie Murphy in Norbert and I was just playing two separate characters with some CGI and makeup. Right, but you still got your immigration papers, isn't you? Well, this is the thing. I was at one point concerned, because I've said some pretty appalling things about it on television.

And when he became foreign secretary, I was concerned that he might deport me. And then I remembered that he still doesn't know which one I am. So, you know, bad luck, Ramesh Ranganathan, you get in deported. Rob said that the reason they did this was because they wanted So, you know, bad luck, Ramesh Ranganathan, you get into port. Rob said that the reason they did this was because they wanted an instant rebuttal mechanism, which I'm pretty sure was a machine that a good Futurian peas in the 1980s had in their sext engines.

And he said, one's an instant rebuttal mechanism to the nonsense directed at the conservative party, that bastion of 1,000% truth of Cality that it is. Now, the thing is they had that instant or battle mechanism, which was the Twitter page itself. But clearly they didn't feel confident enough to attempt to put anything claiming to be a fact on it because everyone would just assume it was bullshit. On the plus side, self-knowledge is one of the internal pursuits of life, the ancient Greeks were on to that and the conservatives clearly know that if they state something

as themselves, everyone will just assume they are bullshitting. So in order to tell the truth, or they consider to be the truth, they have to construct a lie because if they try to tell the truth, honestly, they will be lying. The cabinet minister, Nikki Morgan, has said that only people in the Westminster bubble care about the route, which is just another in a long series of conservative politicians, essentially treating people who don't live in the middle of London as being... PICKERS, essentially. They're not thinking about the truth.

They're too busy eating their own shit. The two busy being real British people and having sex with blood relatives. The Labour Party have announced their manifesto and it's led to a string of arguments yesterday and today about whether earning £80,000 is a lot of money or not, because one of the labour proposals would see a 45% tax levied on people who earn an income of £80,000 or above per year, a figure which various estimates being put in you basically in the top 5% of earners in the country. There's been a lot of debate over whether £80, pounds is a lot of money and I can officially reveal the answer. That it is. I mean, it depends on

context. Obviously for Jeff Bezos, 80,000 pounds is something that he makes at the start of the process of him laying a dose. But in the grand scheme of things, 80,000 pounds is quite a lot of money and I read some extraordinary writing about this. Someone was, someone wrote today, if you're earning 80,000 pounds, not only do you get taxed on that, but you may get taxed on your second home. Now what I would say to that is, I would quote the economist J.K. Galbraith, who famously said, if you've got a fucking second home, sell the **** or stop winging, you twat. Look, Cal Brace was a foul mouth to Conor.

He was. He was. Good editor though, to be fair. LAUGHTER I did some maths. I love maths, I love stats. And just to put in context, what we're talking about, the Labour manifesto has been costed up around about

some way between 80 billion and 120 billion, depending on who you read. Now, the times Rich List, they list the richest people in Britain. I don't exactly quite have how they calculated, but the richest 50 are collectively, according to this list this year, worth 361.5 billion pounds. They average over 7 billion pounds each. So if you are a nurse listening to this, wondering how you could be worth 7 billion pounds in your line of work, well, it would take you just over a quarter of a million years.

Oh, that's assuming your salary didn't go up in that time, but probably it would go up. So it would only maybe take 170 million. Right, give it away. In the time that Jeff Bezos takes to jerk off, which was, let's just say, is about three minutes. He could actually doing nothing and global hunger. He could end world, he could feed every child in the world in the three minutes it takes

for him to rub one out. This sure, there surely no way, Jennifer, that Blesos is doing that himself anymore. He's got some sort of whanking drone. Yeah. It does, just something that he does order this device from, you know, the whanking robot. From, I'm presumably, he orders that from his own website

and that gives him an extra, I'm not giving him an extra, little, I reckon he could do it too many times. Any jerk's off in the time it takes someone making no money, working next to a machine, making more than that person. The thought of that is what gets him going. Even if you just take the top 500. By the time the jerk off machine gets to,

I'm sorry, I mean, I mean, I mean, I think, I mean, you didn't think through the logistics of jerk off machines when it comes to the super rich. Otherwise, you're very hard to get into their mindset, understand how they, how they tick. Well, I mean, I'd love to ask Jeff on to the show. Maybe talk through these.

Have we played a word for us, Jenna? Yes, Chris. I've got the Bezos, uh, Wank maths. Let's hear it. Yes, I've got the Bezos Wank mat. Let's hear it. Right. The moment we've all been waiting for. Going on Jenna's theory, which is what we call from now on, that it will take you three minutes.

Ah, the Friedman principle. It's been calculated. It's $149,353 per minute. So every Bezos Wank is the equivalent of $448,059. Right. But if he's got a... I feel like that's low-bolly. Yeah. That's what he calls it.

Right now. Uh, some more context on, uh, super-wealth, uh, some more stats. Mukesh Ambani, the Indian multi-billionaire, estimated worth $60 billion US dollars. His house in Mumbai called Antilla is 170 meters high. I calculated an estimated volume of his house in terms of size. And if he wanted to fill it with portions of tiramisu from the local cafe where I live in South London, fill it with portions of tiramisu from the local cafe where I live in South London, which cost £4.50 each. He would need just over 530 million tiramisu. This would cost him £2.4 billion, which is about the same as his entire house cost in the first place. Just go to

show, don't build stuff with Italian desserts. Now, assuming the building then became uninhabitable as it was now for the rapidly festering tiramisu. And Bani could afford to build another six antillas, fill them all full of tiramisu and leave them to rot and still have enough money left over to buy a personal army of 16,000 British nurses to look after him for the next 50 years. In other words, he's minted. What have I done? They've never given multi-billionaire crazy ideas about what you might like to spend his money on. And the environmental damage of the ingredients, so that's tiramisu. That's 20 odd million litres of mascarpone cheese.

That's, we know, dairy impacts the environment. A quarter of a billion eggs. But he'd need every single egg laid in India on the day that they might be- Jesus Christ! He's dessert. I'll be calculating how many eggs are laid a day in India, aren't they? Oh, do you have to guess to me?

Have you run out of cricket statistics? Is that what's happening? Royal family news now. Well, I told to no way to begin with this story. Nishirah, a Royal family correspondent, a huge close personal friend of all members of the Royal family. All of them, I believe. Some of them, I'd like to be quite specific, which ones, in this case. Just the one who killed Diana.

Yes. Oh yeah. Well, listen, it's been an extraordinary week in Royal News. Prids Andrew gave an interview to the BBC to Emily Maitleys, who's a news journalist and news presenter here. And I mean listen, it was extraordinary. He coined some absolutely fascinating new phrases. Such as, well, such as for example example to let the side down yes he coined that as a phrase and he I played football with you on Tuesday and I think it's fair to say I let the side down yeah normally yeah well normally that by which I mean you know I let in a few girls or I played quite poorly but in this occasion I let the side down by a half time flying to New York to stay with a convicted sex offender.

Yeah, I mean, that wasn't... You can tell him I didn't want to see him anymore. I didn't want to see him anymore. Well, but this is that phrase did jump out, let the team, because that's kind of sporting phrase. Yeah. You must be particularly gaulling, you know, after they must have had a specific role family team talk, you know, right

Charles keep it tight keep it simple. Don't bang on too much about modern architecture Just be a bit avancular and hope everyone forget to all the wedge shift from years ago and turn up to rugby matches on time You're doing great Edward. Hey, sorry. Are you here? Andrew don't lock around in parks with convicted Peter files hands in one two three go team wins Sim simple simple simple thing his PR quit over the decision to give the interview presumably knowing that what was about to happen was I mean an absolute P doe snafu yeah why did they actually let him do that? Who let why? There is no adequate explanation for that. And it was filmed in Buckingham Palace, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was a home fixture for the lot. They could have just been like, you know, what you shot was cool, but we're not going to let you take it out of the palace. They could have just done, they could have done some defense after the interview. They probably were there watching it. It happened. Well, Jenny, he thinks it went so well that he's apparently contemplating doing a sequel. He's getting a series. The bit about claiming that he wasn't that close, close friend to Exdyn, or be it that he had been to stay at his house, his private island,

and flown on his private plane. And been invited to his guest, who's a Jail reveal partner. Yes, yes. Yes, the partner. Yeah. And then told this not very good friend that he was going to be, who's going to friend dumping

by flying across an ocean and staying with him for several days. It all stacks up in the same way that a house of cheap playing cards stacks up on a rickety old garden table with wonky legs during a simultaneous earthquake in Hurricane. This story has, you could strain past those, this story.

Do you think he was turned on? Like there was, I didn't tweet this because I didn't think it was okay to say that on Twitter, but on your podcast, I'm gonna go for it. Do you think it was like the way he was sitting, it was like he was covering up and around. He just had the weirdest. I actually have a quote of his when she asked him,

if he had sex with a traffic minor. I mean, there's so much more to it, but he goes without putting too far to point on it. If you're a man, it is a positive act to have sex with somebody. You have to take some sort of positive action. So therefore, if you try to forget, it is a positive act to have sex with somebody. You have to take some sort of positive action. So therefore, if you try to forget, it's very difficult. That's his defense. I mean, you can't make that up.

You can't write that if you try. No, I mean, you're absolutely right. Some of the things that he said, he said that his visit to Epstein was the result of his tendency to be too honorable. And that is, I mean, that is some heavy spin. I am too much of a great guy to not hang out with Pado. That is... The whole interview just felt like it was a pep talk to himself in the mirror after he's had too much to drink. It's on camera and we're listening and watching. I think I'd have had more respect for Prince Andrew.

If he just come out and said two points, one, my family was chosen by God, so suck it up, pleb. And two, British identity is built on royal traditions. Ever the first married a 13-year-old in 1254, and I don't see anyone saying he should quit. And Henry the eighth married a 16-year-old and then chopped her head off and he's a f***ing hero. You can't fight genetics, also in my mum-out of day. Yeah, when you put it in context, you're absolutely right.

Quick bit of sports news, Chris, you are a spurs fan this week. Oh, Chris. Dispensed with their manager Mauricio Pocchettino after five years. It's not funny, this is a spraudious success. Chris I have to take a shoot with you there. It's absolutely f***ing hilarious. And hired Joe Zemarino's basically a one-man campaign against the concept of joy. Five years of kind of Spurs level success. Ted off a bit this year because it's sport and that happens. Replace with a manager who's tailed off a lot because he's a

deranged egotist with the only and a full tactics. That's an accurate summary of... I can't even talk about it. I don't even want to talk about it now. Does it marino is the manager? Is is the manager of my team, Manchester United? And I feel very much looking at Chris, the way someone who was recently beat Herpes. Ha ha ha ha. Looks at an issue now.

I thought it was an issue now. You don't beat Herpes. It's a virus you have forever. Oh, is it? It's Herpes of Permo. What's one you can get rid of? I think a promo. What's one you need, don't? I got that. What's one you can get rid of crap? I think you can get rid of Climidia.

Oh yeah, that's, well, Climidia. Chris, edit that into the judge. Yes. I think, I mean, they talk about him going, Climidia going on a free transfer to the Russian league, the young Brazilian. Climidia was what Trump was going to call a vancra original. It's what he, yeah.

I'm not going to go to the T-China town. Even that syllable, Jeddair, gested exactly towards what that guy was going to be. Well, you just can't make fun of him. That brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Well, you just can't make fun of it them, but they're all pretty good bills. I think there's one on December the 4th in the Bloomsbury Theatre, I think is me and Bridget Christie. And then there's another one in Cambridge with Rob Delayee and then there's another one in Brighton with some other great Pete.

Listen, it's just, you know what? You smart people. Pop your computers, I'll pick. Wack my name into Google. Ignore the weird suggestions that are like, tall and wife. And just, you know, go nuts on it. A genit. Thanks very much for joining us on the bugle.

It's been a delight to have you on. Keep away from the fires. Yeah, thanks so much for having me. It's been so fun. And if you see the queen, Tyler, thanks for murdering Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she's going to get another one of teardrop broaches that she will win Trump. Chris is out of bad week with this football team and he's about to have a worse week with lawyer-rigged episodes. The redacted episode.

Jenna, have you got any stand-up shows coming up? I do. I'm at the So be a little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more

little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more little bit more my end of year show at the Soho Theatre, which runs December 16th at the journey of the fourth and then just hang around for two and a half months, till General Arise. I guess I'll only do a short of the view. I'll only do a short and these show, even though by his own admission, he has yet to finish right again. Thank you for listening, Buiglis. We will be back. Oh, we'll be back. I might have a week off next week. We'll be back in a couple of strokes of Jeff Bezos' dick.

We'll be back in a couple of strokes of Jeff Bezos' dick. We'll be back either way. Either way, on the way to Arthur, hang with us, maybe. And we will now play you out in the time on a tradition with a barrage of bullshit about our premium voluntary subscribers. Some of the lies today involve more than one bugle voluntary subscriber because, well, they got a little bit over elaborate and required, more than one character for narrative reasons. Also, this week's lies are a sayings and proverb special. Kiran Lee wrongly interpreted the phrase to look a million dollars as an insult, assuming that it meant that you should not be allowed out in public, but should be locked away

somewhere safe, in case anyone asks exactly where you came from and why you're being flaunted around as a party. Cheney and Ian Adams would like to see some of the world's most famous Proverbs updated. Starting with, give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day, teach a man a fish, and he will probably over enthusiastically go out and buy a fishing rod, then go fishing a couple of times before realising he doesn't really have time to take up fishing as a serious hobby, because of all the other stuff he's got going on, and then just give up fishing, and try to sell his rod on eBay.

Elwin Ainsworth wonders if anyone's last words whilst being attacked by a crocodile and shouting to their colleagues on the riverbank have been, don't worry about the crocodile, he doesn't mean it, he's only pulling my leg. Elwin certainly hopes so, at least that person would have died in a very good mood. Ergo Ojisu recently heard an animated dispute on the radio concerning the location of the annual formal evening dance for members of the British legal profession. It was scheduled to be held in the Old Bailey in London. When one of Britain's top judges who presided in the Bailey complaint about this, he was told by the Justice Secretary, well that's your problem now, the balls in your court. Bart Mosley once got a holiday job marketing fast food at NBA games in Miami, for which

he had to dress in a really garish over the top chicken outfit. Fellow Bugle voluntary subscriber Andrea Scholler happened to be going to the game at the American Airlines Arena. How's the job going Bart? Asked Andrea, recognising him through the innate power of Bugle voluntary subscriber intuition despite never having met him before. Well, I'm not enjoying it Andrea, to be honest, said bad, waggling his shiny wings and half-heartedly clocking through his golden beak. I just really hate the team, they're one of my least favourite

basketball franchises anywhere. Andrea replied, well you should quit then. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. A carrying on, Aaron Goulson heard about a fancy new restaurant that had recently opened near where he lived, which was supposed to have an excellent chef. He said to another bugle voluntary subscriber, Michael Bertwistle, hey, we should go, the chef is supposed to be amazing, we can talk about the bugle and eat food. But Michael was not so sure. Well I almost had lunch there the other day, he said.

But was put off going in because the chefs sibling, who is the front of house Matra D there, had a really angry, unwelcoming face, an intimidating neck tattoos, and worn aggressively slogans t-shirt. So I didn't go. Come on, Michael Sederran. We should try it. You can't judge a cook by looking at his brother. Greg Matty and Eric Tullus went to that self-same restaurant and were so impressed by the food that they asked to meet the chef.

He was an overconfident young man who used to be a professional strong man, challenged me to do anything strength-related said the strong man chef. Okay, said Eric, a little confused. Lift up that device you use for weighing out your ingredients. And to make it more difficult added added Greg, use only the muscles in your lower forehead and cheeks as a kind of facial clamp and then hold the device there for two minutes. Ok, said the chef, easy. Well, he did manage to get the device off the table it was on, but he couldn't keep it up.

Crash! Greg and Eric walked away, unimpressed but sympathetic. He looked so sad at the realization that he couldn't do it, and he wasn't all he cracked himself up to be Sederic. Yes, said Greg. You could see the scales fall from his eyes. And finally, mercifully, Veronica Jean went to that restaurant also with bugle voluntary subscribers Peter and Matt Findley. They all ordered the mushroom risotto with extra truffles. Mmm, I'm really enjoying this delicious dish,' said Veronica.

Us too said Peter and Matt. Then a waiter came to their table with a hairdryer, switched it on, and started tossing dried herbs into the jet of warm air and spraying them all over the place. "'Mmm,' said Veronica. "'I admire experimentalism in modern cuisine. It certainly is an interesting interactive dining experience said Peter a little uncertainly, and it adds to the aroma of the mushrooms.

But it is a bit irritating said Matt, brushing the herbs off his jacket a little angrily. Can you stop now waiter he asked politely? Sorry said the waiter. It's just that here, time flies when you're having fun, Guy, the end. when you're having fun, the end.