The Bugle - Bugle 4132 - Breadgate

Episode Date: December 6, 2019

Nish joins Andy and Alice to break down what actually happened in Breadgate. Plus Trump tantrum news and the latest from the British election.Also, snuck in at the end, a major announcement from Alice. More to follow. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bughlers and welcome to issue 4132 of the Bughal I am Andy Zoltzman. I am here in London. It is E-7, election 7 days away, 5th December 2019. And I'm joined for this final pre-election bugle by returning from Australia

Alice Fraser welcome back thank you Andy thank you for having me back I really appreciate it I was really excited today because someone said to you with a pedialink that said this was to be my 50th bugle that then apparently someone updated it and we missed the anniversary it's my 52nd alright yeah well I hadn't had a special commemorative suit of arm made for the Bob and Bob to sit down. Also joining us, a man who literally is the news this week. It's the first time, I think we've had the top story live in the studio.

Nice to meet you. Bob, one time Gaddafi guest is. Yeah, that's deep in the internet from the top here. Miss Kumar. Hello, Andy. Hello Alice. Hello, Budglers. Yes, two Budgels guest this week.

Andy, one from Down Under geographically. And the other from Down Under, a mountain of abuse on the internet. Well, actually, let's get straight into this. Well, hold section in the bin because I think this is probably the most important news story that's happening in this. It's the first of all, if people, if anyone in the world hasn't been following this riveting and top story worthy news, can you explain what happened, Nish? Well, this is a bugle first in that one of the guest bugleers is involved in a new story, and also this is very much a section that should be in the bin.

A top story this week, comedian gets pelted with bread, and that comedian is me. The closest way I can summarise what has happened is that on Tuesday I did a gig for the Lords Tavenors who are Charlie's claims why Andy is wearing that outfit. Yes, because when it's dressed in a Lords Tavenors shirt and it's wearing a Lords Tavenors hat and a Lords Tavenors tie. I assume at some point I'm going to be pelted with rolls. I just always wear this one first. I'm just assuming the court on Friday. And what is alludes to have an up? It's charity that does excellent work, providing sporting equipment for disabled and disadvantaged children across the UK and around the world.

And they booked me to do 20 minutes out there annual Christmas luncheon. And I thought, sure I'll do that, what's the worst that can happen? And the answer is 24 hours later, I was the most red story on the BBC News website. Now listen, I have had gigs go badly before, but I've never had one go so badly that it makes the news during a general election. Well, I mean, that does show quite how f***ing bored Britain is by the general election. Just anything, anything that can displace that absolute parade of twwattery from the news is what we're grasping out. The Lord's Tavines began at Lord's cricket ground, of course, in the Lord's Tavine. And you know, it is a, it's played for their cricket team, and you've done the gig before, and

well, I mean, that's the thing, Nish. It takes a special corner, comedian to succeed at Lord's Tavine, Christmas lunch. Only the cream of the cream can hack it, Nish. Obviously, I mean, it's very tough for any kind of comedian to succeed at all to have a Christmas lunch. Only the cream of the cream can hack it. Mish. Obviously, I mean, it's very tough for any comedian doing that gig post 2014 knowing that 99% of the audience are just sitting there thinking, you remember that awesome girl we had do this five years ago, nothing could ever match that. Now I'm not talking about Sadie Javid. I'm talking about Andrew Zon. Sadie Javid was, he was my support act.

He was the culture secretary. Now, Chancellor of the Exchequer. So, just yet another one who was, you used my gravitational force to help him tell. You've radicalized Sadie Javid. I've always thought of John Oliver as being the white sages javit. Let's just go through a blow by blow. So basically it's a cricket themed charity lunch. I think absolutely fine. I go out in front of the

audience to say that the audience were very white would be lie. They were in fact extremely red. And I will say, it is to their credit that so many of the crowd were such big fans of cricket that they came dressed as the ball. I go on stage, I do five minutes, that goes quite well, but you didn't hear about that on the news. I cannot tell you how much sympathy I have for the captain of the Titanic. No, but you haven't talked about how much fun all the pre-iceberg stuff was.

They were just doing Irish jigs and being trapped in the entrenched class system. It was a great laugh. So after the first few minutes, I think I've been making a film about your game. I'm like, 80 years to come. Kumar will go on. Well, at least until the bread rolls start flying. So then after the first five minutes, it all went fine.

I made a joke about Brexit. Very poorly received. And for a group of people who I think would regard pepper as being a bit much, the atmosphere turned quite spicy. I then thought, well, I'll make a joke about Boris Johnson. That'll help. Now at this point, before we're continuing

the Titanic analogy, that is the equivalent of the captain of the Titanic, seeing the iceberg and saying, I'll tell you what, that's, I think we can go straight through this. Mm-hmm. The, um, it got worse when I decided to make a joke about Jacob Reese Morgan to resume.

The atmosphere continued to turn. And then I tried to salvage it. Bear in mind, this was how I thought I would get out of jail by saying, this is a direct quote, this is what happens when I perform for an audience largely comprised of people who colonize my ancestors. So, just smooth those troubles. Things are really going from bad to worse at this point. Then a man who was dressed in a red coat who looks like someone who stands behind

the queen whilst he has to apologize for something appalling, one of her children has done that week. I should me offstage and said, you know, I've been, you know, taken offstage a number of different ways. Never before have I been removed from stage with the phrase, now is the time for the raffle. Also at some point during the gig. Yes, yes, yes, exit, yes, exit for the raffle. Also, at some point during the gig, Shakespeare isn't it? Yes, yes, I remember. Yes, it's Exit Pursued by Raffle. At some point over the course of the gig,

someone had thrown a bread roll at me, which is why the headlines have been comedien belted by bread rolls, whereas in fact, one bread roll, P-rolled near me, because, and you know this. Is that the actual quote? Exit Pursued by Bread? Yeah. Whereas in fact, one bread roll, P-rolled near me, because Andy will like this. This is a theatrical quote, it exit pursued by British. Yeah.

But Andy, you'll know this a lot. The audience are comprised of people who played cricket within the English Cricketing System in the 1970s and 80s. And Andy, you'll also know this, English cricket in the 1970s and 80s was f***ing shit. And as such, the ball failed to get within the vicinity of my post-code. If I was standing in my batting stance, left-handed batting stance, that ball would have

gone for four down-fine legs. And anyway, I got taken off stage, they were all very upset, and then video of the gig was taken by someone who was their disgruntled man whose name I will not be saying even though I do know it, he knows what he did. He then passed it straight to the telegraph and it was then picked up by Piers Morgan the next day and various right-wing provocateurs which is a polite name for f***ing godless f***ing Morgan, Julia Hartley, Bruyoke, Katie Hopkins and then it wasn't so much that the sh** hit the fan it's that the sh** was launched from a special sh** firing cannon

into an industrial sh** spreading fan I now have a controversy section on my Wikipedia page like disgraced presidents and sectafacers and I've spent the last 24 hours fielding a variety of, shall we say, tense correspondence from people on the internet, including one which I was going to read out by, I think probably I won't read it out,

just because it requires an absolute like phalanx of trigger warning. But does conclude with the phrase, I've reported your remarks to the police. And to that person, I say, to complain that game. Look, what have I learned from this? I've learned a couple of different things. One, I spent a lot of time performing to people

who agree with me and bathing in a sort of glow of leftist consensus and that is a lot of fun. But if you're going to be prepared to say things to people who agree with you, you've got to be prepared to say things who don't agree with you. And you've got to allow them to have their reaction. And I don't begrudge people the right to boo. I'd rather they didn't throw things but I don't begrudge them the right to boo. As for the morgans of this world, they can tell us like a really finished. Do you exactly same line about Owen Morgan? England World Cup winning one day cricket captain. I mean these sort of safe space right wing snowflakes putting the intolerance into gluten intolerance. Yeah it was very interesting.

It was like an overblown reaction. It was very interesting. I think everything about it was an overblown reaction, because the reaction in the room was, I think, a little overblown. But certainly, the fact that it made global news and that my mother found out, because my cousin in Singapore texted her at 6am. You know, certainly that was, does speak to a number of different problems in the way that we conduct our discourse.

And the fact that everything, even if it's just a difficult Christmas gig for a comedian has to be viewed through the prism of a culture war. And anything is available for politicization regardless of how stupid, irrelevant or ultimately pointless the story is. But the main thing I've learned is that if comedy audiences at charity gigs are right wing, they're shit out of luck because they can only get left wing comedies

to perform for free and until they start putting more money on the table, they're not going to get right wing audiences to perform for them so for now they can just shut the f*** up and take what they f***ing give them. Well I mean, niche on the other hand, they didn't come to see you make jokes about politics. They came to this cricketing disabled people charity to see you make jokes about cricket and presumably also jokes about disabled people. Well they didn't come to see me make jokes about politics. They did come to see the host make jokes about politics when he made a string of disparaging

rocks about Jeremy Corbyn at the start of the day. And they came to see Harry Rednap who is a football manager and when I was to the next Arsenal manager was going to be, he said, oh, probably some foreign bloke who can't speak a word of English. So it's clear that they came to see some politics. Well, I mean, I had a perfectly lovely time in my did it. I found the pattern entirely charming. As you said, it's an absolutely wonderful charity. But I mean, the press reaction was, as always, with any story about anything somewhat extreme. Well, as you said, the independence had you appelted a so-and-so penalty.

I mean, I don't know. I might have to get my sister on a talk about this. Can you pelt one throwing of a single soft object constitute a pelting? I mean, I didn't think it could until it happened. Right. Yeah, it was very weird. Did you notice the bread roll coming and what were your thoughts in that moment? Bear in mind, the bread roll was traveling at such velocity that I didn't know it had happened until about a minute after it happened. Alright. As in what it was too slow or too slow, it's like, I have no idea.

It's impossible to say. Are you sure that it was thrown and not teleported onto the stage as a sustaining system? It's possible that it was absolutely hosed at me at 150 miles an hour. But to be completely honest, the only time I realised it had happened was when I looked over and saw the comedied Andy Parsons Angrily remonstrate with the breadthrower The daily telegraph as always

pouring their petrol onto the troubled waters and setting on fire What there was an article saying that you opened your set with a passionate anti-Brexit Troll false opened, you're set with a passionate anti-Brexit to draw a false. Sadly false. Oh, right. Mm-hmm. And this is, I mean, classic from the day later, off, since the referendum, comedians have fallen prey

to a particularly violent strain of Brexit to arrangement syndrome, which coming from the daily telegram. That is like Michael Angelo telling you to paint fewer ceilings, less ostentatiously. But of course, I mean, it is, of course, no laughing mapper at all, that some of the audience thought you were total crates.

And obviously, this is a, this, I mean, I didn't think a pundron could be any more pungent, but when you're on the receiving end of it, this is a double whammy. To be fair, you didn't roll over. And this is worse than the death of the offending objects. It came from 20 rows back, I've heard, it came from ROTE. I'll allow that one because at least acknowledge a sub of my cultural history. Other people thought you were total carc,

which apparently is a type of bread. And told you so, I love it when you don't have confidence in them. I told you so with quite bad language, with Croutons. Croutons. Croutons. Croutons. Some gave a cheer, sorry,

some gave a cheer, about a number of them booed. Fair, fair, fair call. Others said that you misinterpreted that there wasn't a hostile thing at a cricket function. I would throw you a catching practice. Anyway, to be fair. And this is beginning to be too much. Jesus Christ, come here even both angles now some Put me back on the stage at the taverness. I would rather be on stage that have to deal with this shit

So to me fair you confronted it you didn't kick a can down the road One thing I remember Now I've seen finally choose to engage with your upbringing. I've seen the footage you gave it, you gave a rice mile and you didn't let it just peter out and you gave it, you gave a pizza your mind. But then obviously the throwing continued, someone apparently I've heard through a piece of cheese and you said it comes a piece of brie, oh shit. Anyway, I think she had to bow to the inevitable. That was quite good. I mean it was the decisions to talk about Brexit that

spelt trouble. I'm tickling that audience. I mean it's very male-dominated. There are women there, but it's more of a chat party So it's big lunch a lavash to and I've had quite a formal occasion, isn't it? And I think maybe the problem began when you you said at the before dinner Allerain or Duke De Danber to Vottos Santo. I didn't go for the French toast But I'm gonna save someone who emailed me this week the trouble and set myself on fire It's a different culture of course Anyway, he had a chola good laugh about it and you remember another one. Yeah, thank you

And a summer something similar actually happened to Eisenhower the American president of the dinner and he He didn't have any clever ways out of it. He wasn't this slightest, Dwight, slightest, Dwight, slightest, Dwight. Okay, let's move on. And I can't say that to yourself. I can. Let's, I mean, you know, there was a map, there was a map that could be done. Do some of them were thinking, thinking, power, rather, listen to Andy Zoltzman, he was really excellent. It's not true to say that none of them enjoyed it. Table 10 didn't mind, but table 11 did. Oh Christ.

I was going to say you haven't 11'd one pun unturned, but anyway. But in the context, all this publicity, your your career is going well you've been on the crust of a wave You know they've Which is that to be dropped there as Andy laughed at his own Editing out some things that maybe don't as a public consumption But you know in many ways, you know, it's always a risk putting a comedian for an event such as this, they should maybe have gone with a musical act, maybe an Elvis pretzeling person, they think.

But anyway, you did very well not to react too much because violence, baguettes, violence, and no point dwelling on it, scum. And next year, apparently they're going to get a female comic from San Francisco. They're going to get a bagel bagel. I would have judged you if you had gone through this entire thing without getting bagel in. I would have gone Maria Bunford. Maria Bunford's nice. I've got to point someone who's lucky, he's not doing the bumberies. That's another crooked

charity. Right, that's action in the. LAUGHTER Wow, that is... That is Salzman Squared. Well, I think we both know to be about where our respect is perished. All right, let's see. LAUGHTER That is... That is Salzman on Salzman. I mean, Nishkumar, the new Marianne Tuenette, let them throw bread.

LAUGHTER I'm the Lenny Bruce of Yeast. LAUGHTER MUSIC I'm the Lenny Bruce of Yeast. Let's go back and restart the show. This is B41432. Internantly, 4132 is how you're supposed to count in your musicians if you're conducting an experimental jazz orchestra.

Also, 4132 was an excerpt from an awkward conversation in the FA Cup semi-final of 1877. The famous 5-all draw between the Royal Gardeners and the Barnston with Wanderers. When it was a little interchange between England star Lucius Witchway Pogget, a brilliantly skillful play, but with no sense of direction, along with the head injury of the Siege of Flare Aquard, and his captain Denham Warbler, after a project dribbled through his own defence and whacked it into the top corner before Wheelingway in celebration and said, 4-1, 3-2, replied Warbler, in more honorable sporting times, of course, the two teams then agree that they'll contribute 5 players each to the final, rather than having a replay or a penalty shootout. That was against the French air-ambulance,

plus each team's goalkeeper swapped on and off for the end of each minute. So get some facts back into this. We are recording on the 5th December which is a Thursday it's International Ninja Day which you think is slightly self-defeating. It's December is Thai month. We're a Thai month apparently. That's one. As in the neck, the neck, the neck, or the nationality. That's what, well, luckily I always be able with a tiny one wrapped around my dog. Finally, it's appropriate. And another one to my Wikipedia controversies. December is human rights month as well. So we're giving away a few, a free human right. That's

what you can choose from the following select and exclusive human rights for Buebel listeners, the right to scream at kitchen utensils, the right to vote in other people's elections, please use that, the right to claim your hope and issue an edict whilst on public transport, and the right to take a look of someone else's ice cream. Second top story this week, well, we are one week from the election now. Alice, you've been the most out of this country and not technically allowed to vote, I believe. Well, not technically, but I've been gathering up dead people's names from the roles and

I'm hoping to vote at least 12 times. Oh, could is to say all of the chaos where people are promising things that they are absolutely not going to deliver. Opinion polls are still suggesting a comfortable lead for the conservatives, and Boris Johnson has announced plans for his first 100 days of the next term, which is an expression of his confidence that he will be re-elected. He's saying there will be a commons vote on Brexit, a Queen's speech, and a post Brexit budget. He also then promises he will turn all pumpkins into carriages, raise the minimum wage to a

million pounds an hour, except for your deadbeat ex, and that he will make sandwiches sexually satisfying for those over the age of sandwich consent. He's pledged to raise the national insurance threshold to 9,500 pounds, along with cash for schools and the NHS, which he will pull out of a big top hat, along with rabbits made of union jack flags and a pair of crotchless pantyhose that he left there by accident in the midst of his third most recent extramarital affair. Yes, the Prime Minister and father to an unspecified number of children this morning. I think he's tried to do some damage control on some of his PR.

There's been a lot of coverage of previous remarks he's made in the newspapers. And he apologized today for any offense he caused when he said that women who wear burkers look like letterboxes. Now, that is not the same thing as apologizing for saying women who wear burkers look like letterboxes. Now, that is not the same thing as apologizing for saying women who wear burkers look like letterboxes. That would be like me saying Boris Johnson finger f***s cats. I'm not saying he does, I'm just being humorous about the idea that he might finger f***s cats. But I'd like to apologize for any offense, I might have caused him by saying that he finger f***s cats. But not to be clear for saying that he f***'s cas.

There's a dead cat on the table and Boris Johnson's f***ing it. Chancellor Sajid Javid said he did not have a single doubt that the Conservative government could agree a trade deal with the EU by the end of 2020, which is a shame because I feel like Sir Gedejavid would benefit from a single doubt about absolutely anything in his life. He's also in the same interview refuse to rule out the possibility of a no-deal Brexit, so he's talked quite bullishly about the deal, but very pointedly refused to rule out the possibility. That's the chancellor who's also the former home secretary and the former secretary of state for,

how can we be racist when he's one of them? LAUGHTER Boris Johnson, he's claiming that people will not be talking about Brexit. This time next year. LAUGHTER That's all that we've done. Vote the shit out of it for him if he could promise me that.

Yes, he's claimed that 2020 will be the year we finally put behind us the arguments and uncertainty over Brexit, which is like I guess a doctor on an 18th century ship being presented with a scurvy sufferer, giving them a single section of Sat Sumer and just saying, all good now. If he trojan war terms, all he will have got done in his precious get Brexit done stick will have been the sacrificing his daughter phase of the expo. Yeah, it's, we cannot be stated often enough. All he will do is if he gets the majority government, he'll pass them with draw bill,

but that just gives us a year buffer to completely rebuild our entire trading relationship with our biggest trading partner. Otherwise, in December 2020, we go out on a no deal. You keep repeating that and you keep saying that the line get Brexit done is actually a complete lie and it doesn't know what he's talking about and all that happens is people fucking throw bread at you. Well, the Tories are making all these promises but Labour has said that the Tories only offer more of the same failure, proposing that instead

Labour will offer a range of new and exciting failures. I actually downloaded the Tories manifesto, which amazingly is the worst thing to ever show up on my internet. And there is... There's a couple of pieces... Is that a clue? It's definitely... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yes, it's exclusively death threats. Andy, I watch my porn on in cognitip browsing.

I'm not an idiot. There's some very deep in there. There's some really, really, potentially very spicy stuff. On page 40, I think it's probably 48 or 49 of the manifesto. It says, after Brexit, we need to look at the broader aspects of our constitution, the relationship between the government, parliament and the functioning of the Royal Paragotive, the role of the House of Lords and access to justice for ordinary people. We will ensure that judicial review is available to protect the rights of individuals against an overbearing

state, whilst ensuring that it is not abused to conduct politics by another means or to create necessary delays. Basically, this is gangland politics. They are, but the manifesto, one page of the manifesto is essentially, we are going to take revenge on every f***ing with us. This is score-settling by the conservative pie to take revenge on the parliamentary powers that have been used in their view to frustrate Brexit or in the view of other people to maintain orderly parliamentary democracy in the face of a rampaging central government. But it's pure score-settling. And I wouldn't be surprised if they had other policies that included arresting the pig that Cameron **** had been a pork-based honey trap, a honey roasted ham trap trap if you will. And yet, the polls still have the conservatives round about eight to ten points clear. What does this show about Britain?

Is it an idea that we want a government that will give us the opportunity to have our spouse detained on Trump top charges in Iran without the government doing anything to free them. I mean, Boris Johnson has proved that he can provide that option for us. And Corbin has not done that. Maybe we want to... We get a secret thrill out of the slow evisceration of our public services, the slow motion, sampsoning of the pillars of the things that hold us up as a nation. I don't know. Maybe that's what we're into now. Well, I mean, it's certainly used the time for politicians to say whatever the f*** they want. Nigel Farage recently at a rally in Ashfield said that Henry VIII was the first Euroskeptic.

I mean, we've always known Farage was full of manipulatively false nostalgia about England's glorious past, but I always thought he meant like the 1950s glorious past, not the 1550s. It was a golden era when you could just chop your wife's head off if she was giving out a bit too much. I mean, to be fair, he was dead by the 1550s, but... LAUGHTER ...three years. But I mean, does this make Henry VIII a great feminist as well? Because he employed not one, but six different women as Queen.

LAUGHTER I mean, let's all get a sweet dose of the plague and go fight France. Quick, before we die of a minor infection. I think that is in the Brexit party manifesto. What? The return of plague. Return of plague. It is a good British disease.

The latest pointless controversy has centered around whether or not Jeremy Corbyn has watched the Queen's speech. For big list that aren't based on the United Kingdom, every Christmas the Queen makes a speech that is on television. And of course, all of us patriots watch it in stony silence with our hands over our hearts thinking about the history of this country. Whereas Jeremy Corbyn is too busy wanking over some months. So be fair, I mean, in terms of cinematography, the Queen's speech doesn't have a lot going for it.

No, I mean, it's a notch above a nice hostage video. I've never, I've never, I've never watched the Queen's speech, I think there's not much to make. I've never watched a nice ass off of it there's not much to make me an old TV. And you did leave yourself one open. I've very strongly worded telegraph articles. You would have thought also in terms of that we talked a lot about tactical voting over the last few weeks. And you would have thought that for the opposition parties, the obvious thing to do would be to accept that we currently have archaic inanities in our electoral system.

Set themselves the goal of doing everything needed to prevent another Conservative government and a Prime Minister continuing who's been described as, and I quote the words I myself wrote on the tube on the way. That's a cool one. And ego-maniacal, for landering opportunities with a track record, solid, a collection of track records in deliberately provocative, racially, socially, and religiously charged comments, a black belt in willful, political, expedient,

mendacity plus has a CV containing an almost heroic number of sackings, who's also looking forward to a logistically awkward Christmas way, we'll have to visit his ex number of children in white. So you're going to thought that having to set that goal to stop that happening then you need to then do everything you can to achieve that goal and go operate. Then that hasn't, that hasn't happened. Yeah, it hasn't happened. Instead they'll spend the, the opposition parties have gone full reservoir dogs. It is just guns pointed at each other and people chopping each other's ears off. And this whole election is, there's a lot of talk about Brexit being the elephant in

the room, but this elephant has defecated all over the room. And Britain is now having to make a choice to be in with her to try and clean up the room a bit or to mould the elephant shit into a possible sofa. That was actually on page 51 of the manifesto. Donald Trump news now. Trump has got cranky at the NATO meeting. At the NATO meeting, Trumple Stiltskin has flounced out another Donald grump. He's called Justin Trudeau Too Faced, which I think is rather like a millipede ripping into a spider about having so many legs. But there was this rather hilarious video of other world leaders, including Boris Johnson, basically gossiping about Trump behind his back.

It's like, it's a naughty school children. They didn't realize that they were still on Mike essentially, but what I did here of the existence of a hot Mike video, I did just assume it was that clip from Magic Mike when Channing Tatum dances to pony by Jenny. But instead, it was something that people sort of say it's a bit like the thick of it or the beep, but it wasn't. It was pure love island. It was just love island with a bunch of less good looking people.

Because let's face it, Justin Trudeau is only attractive in context of politics. Put Justin Trudeau on any British high street. The man is an absolute dog. He's not a piece of meat niche. I mean, he is a piece of meat insofar as all human beings are, a piece of meat with a skeleton hiding in it. Well, I'm sad like a lawyer hastily defecting, defecting someone on charges of cat calling. Well, in many ways, we're all meat.

Yeah, we're all just a skeleton sandwich if you think about it too much in the wrong way. Now, to be fair to Trump, Trump is generally, he's not rude about people behind their back. No, no. He's rude about people through the honorable, holy medium of social media. And deranged press conference. Yeah, his Twitter feed is one long, hot mic video. And also, there's been a lot of focus on this. This thing Trudeau was was caught saying

I watched his teams jaws drop to the floor, but we don't know the context I mean it could have just been talking about a bit of you know the pre-Summit party where they have a race in the NATO tradition Which each country's delegation has to carry a model of a famous creature from the 1970s movie thriller across model of a famous creature from the 1970s movie thriller across the typhoon. And the American's team's hands were a bit sticky after some oily cannopays and they lost their grip on their model shark. And hence Trudeau says, I watched his team's jaws drop to the floor. They could easily have just been, you know, trumped with his delegation, warming up in the gym doing no arms press up.

Who's the only that muscles in their faces? I mean, who knows? It's actually exactly what I heard someone say at Tuesday football last time you wound up another ill-advised shot from the halfway line at the back. Nish, nish, nish. I mean, you didn't play this week, did you? I was rock solid at the back. I was too busy being pelted with rolls. Last week, you were there last week, I don't know. Perfect hat trick inside the first 15 minutes. Left foot, right foot, ahead.

What are you talking about? Right. Also, this is what is George dropped to the floor. This is Trump's team we're talking about now. What could have surprised Trump's team? I think the only thing that could make their George dropped to the floor was if he said something coherence or humble or conciliatory. Maybe he just said right folks This is a crucial summer to on everyone on message. I want you to be polite to our host

I'm gonna listen to what everyone else says. I'm gonna wait all up and for a minute careful Judicial response. I don't want to come out of this summit having established an atmosphere of mutual cooperation Respect for the good of all NATO members and the world of the whole right hands in one two three Then they're what their jaws are the world of the whole, right? Hands in, one, two, three, I'll take you away, sorry. Then they're what, they're chosen to drop to the floor. If Trump had any self-awareness, which he clearly does not, he would have been, I think he would have found it more defining that he was being mocked by Justin Trudeau,

a man who earlier this year admitted, he can't remember how many times he's been in blackface. And equally, one of my favorite elements of the video is one of the people on the fringes of the conversation is Boris Johnson. And as the conversation turns to a major world leader being castigated and mocked for talking in an unprepared and rambling manner, you could just see the look in Johnson's face. And it was exactly the same look that I had when

I went into my local cafe on Wednesday and that looks said I hope none of these people Google me. Back home for Trump experts described Trump's misconduct as a textbook case of impeachable offenses. Where is the hell of a rap sheet? Where is the Republicans complain that the process was rushed? I mean, sure, it'd be nice to have everyone take a bit of time to appreciate the impeachment process. It's lovely.

Let it all wash over us. Yeah, let's do a tantric impeachment. It's a busy world. We've got stuff to be getting on with. I mean, if it is a textbook, it's a textbook where we can all flip to the back of the book to see the answers, which is guilty. Witness Michael Gerhardt, who's a law professor at the University of North Carolina, said, if what we're talking about is not impeachable, then nothing is impeachable to which Trump

presumably, in terms of those words, both thinking, oh, oh, nothing is is impeachable then affects me those immigrant children and cages and my tiger outfit. I'm going to have an unforgettable afternoon. Oh, it's news now and it's been a dead heat for the Turner prize this year. The photo finish could not split the four contenders. They all crossed the canvas and exactly the same thing. Alice, your are arts correspondent? Yes indeed Andy. The Turner Prize has been split four ways at the request of the four nominees who asked that they not be told who's the winner and who's the loser, but they would all share the prize equally. I think a similar conversation happened between England and New Zealand cricket teams before

the Super Over the World Cup final. And we pulled the fast one over the key with that. Let's cause some controversy with people like BBC Arts Editor will comperts being for it, saying maybe annual awards like the Turner prize and the Booker prize, which also didn't have a single winner this year, are reaching their sell-by date, and anachronism from a bygone, binary age of winners and losers. And Charlotte Higgins in the Guardian said, everyone agrees that competition is the enemy of art, ignoring the fact that nobody can begin a sentence like everyone agrees anymore. That's not possible in 2019, but it's an interesting question,

whether these four people sharing the prize has really undermined the very nature of competition in art itself. Some people are saying, where will this end? Will the Nobel Prize be replaced with the participation award? Which, yes, I mean, on one hand, art is not quantifiable in the way that science is. On the other hand, what is the point of doing art if you can't win at it Andy? I know the only reason I'm doing the bugle is so I can keep my co-host episode count higher than Nishko. And eventually beat John Oliver for a number of audio appearances on this hallowed field of bullshit.

Whereas I focused on trying to match number of appearances with John Oliver as number of love guru films appear. I focused on trying to match number of appearances with John Oliver as number of love guru films appeared. I focused on the guru. You wait for my guru reboot 2021. It's a good to say achievable goal. Yes, it was, it was, it was, there's already so much that divides and isolates people and communities. And I mean, this is undoubtedly true, but I'm not sure how many times communities have been divided, isolated and inflamed by debates about whether human effigy staring at a curtain are better or worse art than a feminist installation at least, or an

audio scape of a Syrian jail or a film about Northern Ireland, or even outside this year's Turner Prize list, a hyper realistic picture picture from Dogs playing Snooker or even a Brian Lara double century, or a statue of a hot young dude with his nagers out about a fling a rock at a giant. So I mean what is art? Is it an antisoulson and a pond run? No, that's the one thing we definitively know is not art. That's craft. Different. Different. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP There is a monkey pox ellipse on the rise now. A person in England has been diagnosed with the rare viral infection monkey pox, which I'd never heard of, but now we'll definitely die from. The public health England, P.H.E. has said the patient is believed to have contracted the infection in Nigeria

and is currently being treated in a very specialist, high-consequence infectious disease center in London. And much consternation is a reason. I think mainly because monkeypox sounds utterly horrendous, but people have ensured, but the authorities have assured people that monkeypox, although very serious, isn't very infectious, and I for one choose to absolutely disbelief them. I'm definitely going to die from monkeypox. What is it? What are the symptoms of monkey pox?

I think it's where you start exploding monkeys out of yourself. No, it's much like the same, it's much the same symptoms as many other infectious diseases. Is it like chickpeas? But yeah, laying the eggs. Is it? I've read it as money pox when I first read it. So I can explain a lot of things.

Clearly, this story is basically seen to in a global pandemic disaster movie in which doctors insist that monkeypox isn't that serious. Cut to seen 10 in which 80% of the global population are swinging from lamppost to lamppost, trying to peel innocent passes by like bananas before eating them whole, or drinking tea and shifting pianos,

whichever way they want to go. I mean, if that's what it takes to bring this country together, I am all for it. The last thing that really brought the England together was the War of the Roses, wasn't it? That very much didn't bring us together, I think. Yeah, yeah. 50% of all men of fighting age died, so...

Let's room for an age of labor laws and things like that. I'm not following myself talking. Someone else shut up. Obviously off the Brexit thing won't be a problem because we'll just be able to pass legislation banning viruses, which Brussels has stopped us doing for the last 40 years. Handcuffed by the eurocrats. If they want to keep us bogged down in all manner of monkey-based diseases. The virus rights law will probably be all over us. You are just doing their jobs trying to work for themselves and their virus families.

Don't get me started on Amnesty International's continued support of the virus rights. Well that brings us to the end of this week's beagle. Good luck in the election, Nish. Are you standing? Or not now? No, not now. I've got a controversy's major, my Wikipedia. Controversy helps Nish. That isn't exactly what he should be getting into politics. Oh, Alice, you have some news to share with Beagleers. Yes, my twin brothers just started a YouTube channel. No, that's true. You should see it. But there's an exciting thing that's happening next year, which I would like to, am I supposed to launch it properly? Or are we like... Well, I don't know. I mean, this is the bugle. I mean, you can do things

as incompetently as you like. If you're trying to do some self-promotion, this is entirely incapable of the entire history of this podcast. Well, stay tuned on this show, The Bugle, for the launch of another show, which we'll be starting in January next year with me on it. Slash in it. Right, the Bugle extended universe. Yes, it's an ultimate universe, Bugle spin-off series with me as the host and we're calling it the last post and it's going to be amazing, but I've got to write it first. The Bugle is becoming a, well it becoming like a sort of media empire now. Well, by which I mean there's two podcasts.

Oh yes, that's like saying, the British Empire, it's going to exist because we have Gibraltar. Yes, I am the Gibraltar of the Bugle. And I look forward to being thought over. But this is going to be an alternative universe bugle starting as the bugle ending as sort of an alternate universe exciting thing. And so I'm going to write it a year's worth of news. It'll be every day a short episode, 15 minutes, and I think it's going to be amazing. But ask me again in a week. Also starting in just over a week is my Soho Theatre run, also featuring Alice.

Oh, yes. Also, I'm doing Andy's ultimate Soho Theatre run. Yeah, well done. Yeah. 16th to the 21st of December, the 27th, 28th and 30th of December and the 2nd to the 4th of January. And the 2nd to the 4th of January, it will be immediately followed in the Soho Theatre, probably upstairs or in the other theatre, but at the same venue by my show Savage, which will be then second to the fourth of January,

tickets are on sale now and not selling well. So you can double up, you can come to a... Oh yeah, double bill. Oh, I mean, even this is a really good idea, is come early in the run to Andy's Ultimate Soho Show and then come at the end of the run when it will be a completely different show. And then watch my show. So three shows for the price of three tickets. We're getting so good at promoting stuff on the show now.

That, Andy, you really were a loss to the advertising industry. I have nothing to promote except my impending retirement for company. I think the Daily Teller will be very surprised to learn that you'd never been in comedy nation. I think people really overestimate how much the phrase so-called comedian hurts my feelings. Oh, there. Who's is that? Chris is going to play out accordion music. Right. Yes, my accordion music coming through.

That's from the bugles of the new French spin-off. Is it yours? Oh. And he's like, you're f**king phone ringing. Why? How? I've never heard that ring sound before. I'm f**king phone ringing! Why? How? I've never heard that ring sound before. Right, okay, that is the end of this ring. I've just had an unexquaked ringtone, I've never heard before coming out of my phone.

Who was calling you? We're being hacked, Dish. Do you have two phones? You don't even know how to use one. Why did you not know what your ringtone was? I've never been that before. Ha ha ha. You must have changed it itself.

Chris is now telling us to, in Laman's terms, shut the f*** up. Thank you for listening, Bugles. I can't believe I'm big silence for the second time in a week. Yeah, I have a bedroom. It is genuinely a great charity. And you've brought them a lot of publicity today. Yeah!

And I think we should all praise you for that. Everard Sino, do you want the tie? Good bye! Bye! And to play us out as always, some lies about our premium voluntary subscribers. Anonymous donor, initials NJ, prefers to think of stained glass windows as really slow-moving TV shows. I love pregnant silence, reports NJ, and I'm skeptical of the modern trend for excessive action. Ken Samuels disapproves of surfing on the grounds that it must be awfully frustrating for aquaphobic

sea creatures to look up and think, at last, a door to get out of this place all night gone already. Kiran Johnston similarly wonders whether most shock attacks on surfers, which of course happen at the rate of about one attack for every four or five surfers, if Hollywood researchers to be believed, are in fact the notoriously clumsy sharks politely trying to open what they perceive as a door to let the surfers into the sea ironically, because from a shark's perspective, surfers look like they are trying to kick the door down. Inspired by politics, Roberto Tiley now likes to be unnecessarily evasive in response to all

questions. Recently he responded to the question, would you like a cup of tea with the answer? Well, I think the important thing is to focus on the fact that I invested in a new kettle, I bought a box of tea bags and I have not smashed every single mug in the house. Kirk Roberts wonders why Spoon Bending is a skill which receives little public credit these days, and concludes that it might be because of the limited range of uses for a bent spoon. It's like having a magical power to make carrots scream, thinks Kirk, it might be impressive, but it is in no way improving the original item. Richard Perrin thinks that what sets humanity apart from the beasts is a sense of self-awareness.

Do you think sea horses realize how weird they look, asks Richard? If a human looked like that, they'd spend all day looking in the mirror saying, too much. Stephen Way has calculated that if you piled up all the polystar inboxes used in takeaway fried chicken shops in London in the average year, one on top of the other, they would not only reach from earth to mercury and back, but when that tower of greasy packaging inevitably collapsed, it would ironically form the shape of an egg. Michael Thompson was surprised to find that the Pokémon character Pukumuku once represented

Finland and ski jumping in the Winter Olympics. Whilst fellow pocket technique alumnus Swadloon began life as a medieval weapon, and their colleague Toxic Rogue was the eponymous developer of a fatal serum used in public executions in the pocket world. Will Haywood thinks it is typical of humanity that, with regard to the phrase, pot calling the kettle black, we focus on the allegations of hypocrisy that provoked the use of that phrase, rather than the fact that we have talking kitchen utensils now.

Marcus Bowden sometimes wonders how different the entire history of Christianity would have been. If Jesus had used a single use plastic cup at the last supper, instead of a more environmentally friendly reusable grile. And finally Drew Burning thinks that if we are really serious about saving a planet and cutting down electricity, we will be plowing all our scientific research money into genetically modifying human beings so that we all become bioluminescent and would never need light bulbs again.

Here endeth the lies. May the falsehood be upon you.