The Bugle - Bugle 4133 - Brelectageddon

Episode Date: December 13, 2019

Britain has gone to the polls and it's all very bad. Plus, (thankfully) bird news and fake pilots. Andy is with Anuvab, Alice and Mark Steel Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Buglers! I am Andy Zoltzman. This is issue 4133 of the Bugle. It's Friday the 13th of December and I'm here in London where the UK is a flame with excitement after a truly extraordinary general election result. The Pro Brexit vote down to 14.8 million

the votes for remain and reference supporting parties up to 16.6 million. The call to end the uncertainties inspired the voters to surely vote a path to the stability of continued membership of the European Union. And now, unalguable democratic statements, we have a Prime Minister who recently unseated his predecessor because she was so unelectably hopeless up against one of the least popular most media-villified opposition leaders in British history who could only splutter support for his party back up by a hardly moon vending 1% pathetic. The Liberal Democrats added a spectacular 60% of their vote. The Greens up by over 60% as well as a youth-come climate quake shook British

politics to its foundations. Now, a must acknowledge that 16.6 million people being in favour of something or not completely against something does not constitute an unalguable divine overwhelming mandate when other people are spoken etc etc. are done expected to be as simple as just simply not getting Brexit not done. But, after all these cynically manipulated divisions of recent years, surely, this election represent a long overdue generational shift towards a more forward-looking, inclusive, open-minded Britain.

Of course, none of that happened, apart from the facts about how people voted, but this is the bugle we're recalling in Britain, where our electoral system is to be as polite as it is appropriate, unbelievably f**king shit at maths. So I am Andy's ultimate, or at least 43% of me is and that's more than enough, and joining me to provide some insight, explanation, already tier swamp shoulders, comfort and or joy at this pre-Christmas time. Probably more of the former, less of that, firstly. Well, let's begin with a man who judging from what he said on his previous appearances on the show is not a huge fan

of our now fully entrenched, full-blown Prime Minister Boris Johnson, correct me if I'm wrong, it's Mark's deal. If, if a man like Boris Johnson stood to be leader of the country and across the country he got 35 votes, you'd go, our f**king depressing. And this demon lying in competent pile of f**king fox shit. Deeming, lying, incompetent pile of f***ing fox shit. So, as somewhere, even on, forget the politics, forget the racism, any of that. Just on grounds of sheer utter sociopathic useless, destructive incompetent, the man can't even turn up to one of his f-e-views on his own election campaign without hiding enough Fridge these

Just uses you can't have him to be promised it makes no more sense Then going up to the bloke who stands outside Poundland dancing in a circle in his pink fluorescent swimming trunks dancing in a circle in his pink fluorescent swimming trunks swinging a bag full of fish heads on a scotch egg and going mate you want to rewind me electrics it's f***ing mad and it's clear that I've but so many people you are going to get brexit done and get brexit is clearly a religion there is no utter there is absolutely no rational thought. You could say, it's not going to get Brexit done, it's only going to get it started and it doesn't matter if you're going to do that anyway because you're probably going to die from food bank disease or whatever.

Or everything, he's just hollow, he's going to sell everything to Trump. It is clear he is the most appalling quiver that's ever lived. He's got 150 kids. And he doesn't fucking take any notice of them. And yet, and yet, you know what he breaks it down. And that's it's just, it's clearly a religion. It doesn't matter of all the rationality that that doesn't make any sense. And I expect there will be people now,

if you point this out, they'll go, oh, but Brexit moves in mysterious way. LAUGHTER And somehow we've got to put up with it. I mean, click, you know, don't get me wrong. Labour were useless to lose to that. I think, you know, when you're a football team, there's a... When you're at a football match and you're supporting your team and a goal from the other side goes in and there's this eerie silence and then after about

20 seconds everyone starts going, that goalkeeper is shit, we've got to get rid of it. And I think it was like that, there was about an hour of just people just staring at walls and things and then going, at Corbyn's shoe we got dirty. She never bought him. Well, so, I think, firmly led your political card on the table, Emma. Now, at a point, this is a Tory party now that's too vile for Esseltino as one of Thatch's main ministers. John Major, you see Kenneth Clark, come on now and you think, oh it's lovely Kenneth Clark and he comes on, well I worked on a Margaret Fedger for the beginning of the year, she was quite evil enough for me really.

But Boris just has been ridiculous really, no need to be that much with bastards anything I'll lovely can I have some chance with you this is a truly historic day for British comedy Mark Steel essentially saying bring back that year yes yes I thought he'd never see that day also joining us to provide some perspective from around the world from two countries that of course course were not dream of electing leaders with a bit of a punch off or expedient social provocation. I'm India and Australia. Aniv Ann Pal and Alice Fraser. Hello.

Welcome. Aniv Annagam, you just you flew in yesterday to see all this on not specifically in order to see the same. Yes. And this then unfolded What your to blame I am I am you know this Had to you know be seen in person, you know I was quite taken by the phrase Let's get Brexit done right because I didn't think that that phrase made any sense

But to have a whole nation fall for it, it makes me think everything should be changed to let's get X done. In fact, I was thinking if this podcast instead of its tagline being an audio newspaper of the visual world was called Let's Get This Podcast Done. Do you think the number of listeners would go up? Yeah, it's definitely. It's a simple messaging, isn't it? Definitely. Personally, I've had enough of over-simplistic slogans, and I'd like to launch my own slogan,

which is end over-simplistic slogans. I'll be chanting that on street corners for the rest of my life. And then you can go in the questions I have audience. And whenever someone says, well, I think that the economics of this just in over-sim only simplistic slogans. LAUGHTER Right.

I'm very happy to be here. I flared my country, which is on fire, our own Prime Minister in response to the fact that we are on fire has decided to push very hard for a bill about religious freedom, presumably so we all know that we are allowed to pray to whatever gods we want as our houses go up in flames And then to come here and have such such certainty from the people of landslide victory for the Tories So we can all like be really happy that we all we can all agree on these fundamental principles that wealth means health

Might means right and Brexit means Brexit this idea that we can get Brexit done I find reassuring because it gives me some sort of a fixed point in the up until now, very ephemeral ontology of what Brexit actually is other than a morphous cloud of sort of vaguely associated ideals mainly to do with getting away from the present and back into the past. I think Boris Johnson is the perfect person to get this done. He's the only one with practice

from walking away from his responsibilities to a complex ecosystem, right? He's abandoned so many children he shouldn't find it hard to walk an entire nation away from its support next network. And I'm excited to see what Scotland does next. Right. I mean that is an interesting angle on this. Well, because Scotland is very anti, so Brexit isn't really Britain-exit, it's England-exit, so it should just be called exit, or maybe Wales as well, so it should be called Wanksit.

But... Well, this is the thing with Brexit. It has revealed certain things about the United Kingdom. A lot of people turned it, certainly in England didn't know, which was, for example, that it wasn't just England. We weren't, we weren't, I think we just assumed that when the Empire ended, all the bits fell off,

not just a bit too long way away, but just everything. So it's been, I think there might just react to a Hadrian's wall, I think that's, that is. Well, they're going to ask fairly quickly for a referendum on leaving. Boris Johnson is adamant he's not going to give them one. I just wonder, I mean, you can help with this sort of... Is there any sort of examples in history of when a country wants to leave the country that it's powerful and doesn't want

to be part of it. And the mother country says, no, we're not going to let you leave even if you, does that ever cause any problems? Well, from the last 250 years, I can't think of an example, Mark, where this may have happened between two countries. I wonder... I mean, that's very cynical, of course. I mean, because we're Britain, we're one of the great nations, and we learn from our mistakes. And, you know, at some point, we're going to get it right. Well, as two British men sitting in a room with two of the reminders of your colonial past,

I mean, you don't so much learn from your mistakes as have them come back and hijack your podcast. I think we've got food. It's great. Well, I've come from a country where we're choking on the smoke of our own mistakes. I'm genuinely impressed by a man who has the courage to appear as incompetent as he actually is. It's pleasing honesty.

Yeah. I'd also bark to answer. You know, it's weird how history turns out because, you know, right now Mahatma Gandhi is still probably somewhere in the British parliament demanding independence. But last week Hindus for Boris groups released a video where they took a Hindu religious devotional song, replaced Lord Vishnu with Boris Johnson and superimposed images of just Mr Johnson just shaking hands with people in turban. Chris, can we get a snippet of this? I think the same people did one for that goldsmith a few years ago for the London Merrill work.

I think we might even have talked about it on the bugle. I mean, what do Hindus think Boris Johnson is a reincarnation of? Well I have a couple of lines of lyrics suggest that he is very close to God and the other thing it says is he'll get everything done. Everything done. Yeah. And what they said about Jeremy Corbyn and some things don't translate correctly in Hindi is that he has a face on his face. Right. So I guess they wanted to say two face, but the right phrases did not exist in the day of now. Griscri. Oh no, I know exactly what that feels like when you're jet lagged and it feels like your face is sort of detached from your face and you're like, is this a smile? I think that's a

just probably how Corbyn feels at all times, just constantly trying to live up to his own expectations of... Yeah, yes, does this feel like a version of Modi then? Well, you know, Modi's I think a couple of steps ahead, in that I think to build a totality, like they just passed a bill in India that said that India would take in refugees as long as they were not Muslim refugees. So a country that's supposed to be secular or the country Gandhi fought for, this past a bill that says, you could come from anywhere, you could be Norwegian, you could be Sikh, if you are from Muslim country, we can't take even.

And then Modi came out and said said this is nothing to do with religion We're just surrounded by a bunch of strange countries Well, I had someone just find it so that the law was that minorities can't be Refused and and they were sort of using this to say well, they're coming from Muslim countries where they're not and they were sort of using this to say, well, they're coming from Muslim countries where they're not a minority. Correct. Correct.

Right. I mean, that's some kind of bullshit sophistry going on there, isn't it? I mean, are they, you know, then appealing for a huge amount? What if you are say a gay Muslim? Would you then be allowed in? No, I think his point is that because Bangladesh

and Pakistan, from where the refugees come from, who are probably fleeing certain human rights abuses, are coming into India because they happen to be from Muslim countries. They can't, they can't. It's a whole different matter than India's the second largest Muslim country in the world. And I love the delicacy of your phrase,

it's certain human rights abuses make it sound like a tea party. It's not. That's gonna be a cracking racism against Muslim Olympics with Trump, Modi and Johnson. Well, bring sport into it, I'm on side. It was rather dramatic night. At the start, the BBC's coverage at 10 o'clock left, they flashed up on the side of the BBC building. Just I think above the statue made by the notorious Peter Folle Eric Gill that the BBC is chosen, not to remove, despite, you know, well. The fact that it's a man holding a child from behind, it's a deeply creepy statue. It's a naked child as well, it's not for that.

It's a naked child, we don't know if the man's naked because he's holding the child, head in front of his penis. But, you know, it's, anyway Anyway, the beams you knocked around to that, they did get around to put it on the front of the building, huge great sign saying, Con 368, which, I'd assume, was just a latest leaderboard of the amount of lies told in the Tory government,

but it was, in fact, the projected number of seats they were going to get. It was, you know, disastrous, disastrous from Jeremy Corbyn's point of you, his cunning electoral plan of not having any plan on the defining battleground of our times with a side order in failing his elementary grade one anti-anti-semitism practical coursework didn't go as well as it could have done. Well, for about a year and a half you know because it's very important obviously with your main policy that it's simple and that's why

when the Liberals had scrap or bollocks to Brexit and Boris Johnson of course have get Brexit done and Corbyn had we will support a second referendum on the establishment of an anti-referent in the customs union as long as there is no customs union if the ball pitches outside of something about some of the isn't playing a shot. I think that was, can't see what was wrong with that. I think they seem for about a year Labour seemed to have, the Brexit policy team to have called it two factions with regard to the Brexit policy in the Labour Party, one of which was angry about it and the other will was bewildered about it. Everyone was one of them too.

I was, was you on about or was you on about? I feel like the left has a listen to learn from this, which is that people will prefer even a shitty strong statement as long as it's strongly and affirmatively stated enough rather than an infinitely recursive series of footnotes and exceptions. It's hard to vote for the e-cannon. Like if Cameron instead of mucking about, he'd probably still have got through that if he just was known for going I f***ed a pig.

Yeah, I thought to pig I'll do it again. Yeah, but that's something to vote for. You support that. Or you know with me, America, great again. I was doing a little bit of research and phrases used in election campaigns and you bring this up. I f***ed a pig. That's a good one.

But it's definitive. You know, India had an election in the last May when Modi won over one majority. One of the candidates in the state of Bihar was running against a guy who was charged with murder and he ran away in the middle of the campaign. So the other guy campaigned on the catchphrase, I'm still here. But you know, you know what you're voting for. It's the guy still there, the other guy ran away. So people... Yeah, he should have stood his ground and his slogan should have been, yeah, I'm a murderer, so what?

That's a good line. So you know what you're voting for. I've killed Aldo with a can. Yeah, I'm prepared. Yeah, it's tough. We want a tough lead, don't we? Don't want of these people who's like, Yeah, I'm prepared. Yeah, we want a tough lead, don't we? Yeah. Don't want these people who's like, shiit away from murder. Mm-hmm. Um, the, uh, the exit, but I wasn't exactly right.

The conservatives, uh, a lot of it ended up on 364 seats, which is really important. Oh, they, uh, are really important. And that's free 56. Because that's 364 is the highest score by England player and test cricket. And that number is Tainted, Tainted, that's Len Hunt in the Overland 38 of course

Turnout was down a little to 67% In the 80 years between 1920 and the end of the millennium it never dropped below 70% But the weather was a bit wet and that made of slightly suppressed Turnout so I hope people remember that actually the weather during the Battle of Britain was quite sunny. So those pilots don't really understand how difficult it is to get to a polling station in some drizzle. So there's a truncule in perspective. And it was clearly, you know, Brexit was the defining, is what ever you think of Brexit,

everything is a heroic break for freedom casting off the shackles reminiscent of when my friend Mike broke free from the shackles of his own house and sofa and went to the pub for a pint. Or do you think it's the 21st century equivalent of Joan of Arc jumping into the far shouting, I love barbecues and my toes look like sausages. Who knows?

But the mathematics of it are really baffling. Here we are, if you add up the conservative vote and the Brexit party vote and the DUP vote in Northern Ireland, it comes to about 14.8 million like I said. If you add up Labour, calling for a second referendum there's clearly splits within the Labour Party but then add the Liberal Democrats, the Greens and the other parties calling for either Brexit or a second referendum that is 16 and a half million and yet the effects of this is an overwhelming mandate for Brexit. Our electoral system is utterly inside. Yeah I don't understand the first pass of the post thing at all. Well, as I think I've said before, it's a very good system for deciding horse races,

less good for the starting election. Yes, you wouldn't have proportion to represent a horse race. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no get once-wealth of the prize. So it essentially came out of tactical voting, didn't it? That one side did it, you know, it was solidly easier, I guess there were fewer options, but you know, the Brexit party were polling over 10% at the end of October, and they went down to under 3% in the election, so the Brexit vote went to the Conservatives and the remain vote was diffused. And, you know, the columnist Marina Hyde said about nine months ago, in one of her columns, she said, I think what we're all end up saying is like football supporters when your

team's lost and you go, their side wanted it more than ours. And I think that's what's happened. Paul Mason, the left wing writer, wrote in the aftermath of the election result. We're facing what Hannah Arendt called the temporary alliance of the elite and the mob. The only answer to it is an alliance of the left and centre. Now, if only that need for an alliance of the left and centre had been blindingly f**king obvious months ago. My... My... My...

My freedom was to... You know, it's mitigating so well. Well, you say that, I had, and with a woman who was a green MEP, who stood, I think we were talking about this woman, in Australia, and I'm big fan of the Green Party, but this woman was standing in an area where the Labour Party won last time by I think 300 votes and she says she's a big high profile green person. I'm going to stand in this area and I just wrote a little thing to her and I said what are you doing? This is really

close and Labour are committed to a second referendum. Yes but he doesn't support remain. No but the Tory gets in,. They're just gonna get Brexit done I know you have to look in the small print of what they say at the bottom of fucking it down Oh, you're just gonna and she wrote to me. She's wrote to me, but Labour can't win on their own here I love what? Are you of the impression they're gonna end your votes and the labour vote together. You f***ing great, f***ing ecological f***ing... I'd like to contextualize this outburst. Mark still got to these studios an hour early and had a nap.

I feel like you were storing up all your energy like a coil-in snake. Yeah, just to be honest, honestly, and guess what? Exactly your point Andy guess what the Labour candidate lost by a thousand and she got 1500 votes is not the twelfth so the Tory one so I guess I'll be comes out of that old phrase you know that you know shutting the stable whore off shutting the stable door off the horse has built but there's no point in shutting the stable or is pretty good Six workers me

Yeah, sir, you have a hole in the stable We're very kind to her we do a new a every day There's no time for a Jacob reason Morgan pressure Well, I guess the point is there's no point shutting the stable door if you can't agree what type of lock to fit to it. You need to leave the door open, brandish your lock towards the horse and say to the horse, can you please stay away or? But Mark's point, you know, these are the times where corruption really helps. Just a little lesson from defecting

members of parliament in India. Like when you have a seat that you know is divisive, what one party does is first they try to bribe the other person not to stand with stuff like a refrigerator, a car. Sometimes when that doesn't work out, they work for Boris Johnson, he loves a fridge. Yeah, he loves being in sight. What'd work for the green party, boy? No, that worked for Boris Johnson. He loves a fridge. Yeah. Yeah. He loves being inside.

I wonder what for the green part, you know, would it? I don't like a car. You can give range of options. Could be a voucher. Could be anything. And when that doesn't work out, sometimes what happens. And again, this is why we are in advanced democracy because we've thought through some of these things. They actually sometimes lock members of parliament legislatively assembly people in a hotel in a five-star hotel with food and drink

till they change their opinion. This is happening. Recently, in the chronautica elections, there was a threat of 150 defecting members of legislative assembly. They were going to switch parties for ethics or whatever other reason. And they locked, they physically did not let them leave a five-star hotel. And they just basically bribed them till they remained with the party they were with. I mean, that's a great kind of bribes-slash-threat combo.

Yeah. I mean, it's... And free food and drink flowing. Well, in this country, what they prefer to do is to do their bribery in a sort of a roundabout way by buying bots on Twitter. That's more honorable now. Yeah, just manipulate those streams of information to particular demographics until they fold to your view of reality.

So you don't need, I've probably said this on the view, you don't really need to follow with electoral corruption in this country because the voting system pretty most does it all for you. And no one needs, no one needs to suffer through a five-star hotel. Most importantly. Would you not vote just stay, because you couldn't, couldn't you just go, I'm going to stand in this constituency and split the vote in the hope that then, you know, oh, I reckon I'm going to get a new lawnmower out of this. Many do. Yeah, many. Corbin's campaign, I think, can be safely compared to Captain Scott turning up in Antarctica with nothing but 40 crates of beer, some ping pong bats and a karaoke machine. It would probably have lost anyway, but he definitely did not give himself the best chance.

Oh, it's been gone for a long walk earlier. He lost 2.6 million votes compared with the election, uh, two years ago, um, ended up with 10.3 million votes, but he's still more than Tony Blair got in his third successful election in some more curious mathematics. Uh, Boris Johnson managed to get the conservatives up from Theresa May's disastrous showing up by, as I said, 1%. Um, God, it's baffling. If you said, is it genuinely, I still don't understand it.

We need to buy a calculator for the nation and pay more attention in math class. Mark Francois, one of the great heroes of the recent British politics. He said a number of things in, I think it was on the BBC coverage. We've got what we want. We're leaving the EU. Now, remember, folks, this was a general election, a general election, a general election,

not a general election that affects everything. It's not a referendum on what is general election, but he also said this, this was, well, possibly the highlight of all the coverage, he compared the fall of the Berlin Wall to the fall of what is described as Labour's red wall, that string of seats across the North and Midlands of England. So he was saying that was alongside the fall of the Berlin Wall. There's a few key differences. So as last the Tories in the North can be reunited

with the families of the Tories in the South. All right, all right, send me six, 32-year, because she lives all that side at war. And the trains are shit. But there are certain key differences between the Berlin Wall and Labour's Red Wall. Try to get across it. The Labour's Red Wall, you need to take, you know, the M6 or the M1, or as you say, a dodgy train light, and the traffic can be really quite annoying at times with some roadblocks.

Versus fully armed East German soldiers shooting you to ribbons, almost indistinguishable, I guess, between those two walls. We're at the dig tunnel under Oddersfield. And also very importantly, David Hasselhoff is much less interested in the game. The Berlin Wall built by a powerful empire of murderous autocratic pseudo-socialist despotism, Labour's Red Wall voted in elections over many years, potato potato, I guess, sorry not potato potato, I meant radioactive flesh eating robot wolf with claws coated in rabies potato. The Berlin Wall...

No one says potato, I hate that session. Absolutely. No, absolutely. It's potato potato. Yeah, just look at the results in the paper. says potato, I hate that. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's potato potato. Yeah, just look at the results in the paper. It's getting confused. The Berlin Wall became a universal symbol of hope for a better future, free from oppression,

and also a major world tourist destination. The Labour Red Wall contains Darlington. So significant differences between the two. Daniel Hanan, another in the Arts Pro Brexit camp Toria, MEP, says, if you dis-tweet off the result became clear, seriously, Remainers, did you think 17.4 million of us didn't mean it, that it was some sort of joke? Now, without wishing to speak on behalf of all Remainers,

or indeed the not-shores, not old enoughs, are the not-alouds and not-born yet, all of them will be affected. I said, the answers that were no and obviously f***ing not. I don't think I'd want to thought that Brexit vote didn't mean it. And it definitely, I mean I know a sh** joke, and that was not a joke, but I could tell when something is just a joke that's not working.

That's what I've done. That's what I've done. That breaks it. No, I don't. Oh, you mean it. Yeah, we all do that. I think I'm relatively moderate in most things, but I do think anyone who ever uses the word 17.4 million again should be put in a rocket launcher and fired at Mars with a parachute

in an oxygen mask. I'm not a total animal. That's 70.4 million miles an hour. So what conclusions can we draw about Britain? I mean, essentially, that we love lies. We're happy to be lied to, and we will buy into those lies. And I guess, you know, we're a Christian company. You said he's a liar, don't know. Yeah, yeah, I always tell lies, yeah.

But, you know, but he says what he means. So, I'll follow for it. He say what he's pretending he means, which is as good as the same, isn't it? Well, I've been following Boris Johnson for the last couple of months on Instagram. It's why he didn't agree. Yeah, it's good reason. And I've come to the conclusion that if you're seeing doing things in modern politics, physically doing things. So he was picking up fish, picked up a pig ones, carrying crates of things, driving in for a truck. Yeah, well, for Tony, I brought eight and an onion.

Yeah, didn't eat an onion twice in a week. Yes. To raw onions on television. Yes. It's just being polite. You can't compete with that. No one can compete with that. I mean, that is a man who will I mean

I mean, that's proper doing something. Yeah Exactly, you know, it's just just putting things in your mouth looks like something then just waving at things and saying that you'll think about another referendum, you know Pramester Modi was on Was seen with a cow was seen on a scooter was seen on an aircraft fight. He wasn't doing it cow, was seen on a scooter, was seen on an aircraft, he wasn't doing it, he was just on these things, doing things. And I think that is far more important in a democracy now than policies.

That's how Instagram works. Yeah, it is too. Thank you, Alice. You become an influencer by being, doing, you know, yeah, sitting on a couch, visibly. Yeah, I haven't really seen pretty much it nothing apart from where massive trials was. Yeah.

Worked for him. Yeah, to pose for all those things every time he's stuck to a king. Well, someone was always painting for him. Oh, look at him. The painter Arty. He's in a chicken. He's heading a wife. He's always doing something.

He keeps going, kept doing the papers, don't you think? People knew where I stood with it. I have a quick question because I'm new to this country's election coverage. Yesterday on the BBC, and I know that election coverage has changed a lot with technology. So in Obama's election, I remember the big CNN thing was being able to do touchscreen to go into a state and have it expand. And then you just had just, you know, election experts just playing with the state, you know, just throwing that into each sort of area, wouldn't they? Yes. The guy go, hey, let's have a look at this little bit of

Wisconsin here. And they go like that. And go now This is for favor you win with each other and you know that yeah, miss Johnson there But that's right they would they would go me But that's right, they would go. I mean, not knowing the exact bloody door and answer people in the dark. Which town in Wisconsin not? But Mark was going there, he had zoomed in on the house. He had zoomed in, sorry, I'm sorry, I interrupted you. You're perfect accent. Oh, I didn't mean to offend you.

I'm sure it wasn't perfect. It was glorious. It was glorious. It came tucking in. But they could go down, you know, at least there was the appearance again of doing things, you know, they were just going to a house and stuff. Yesterday, on the BBC outside your main BBC studios, they decided to go analog, and Andy you were talking about this, they didn't do technology, they had a huge puzzle.

A f*** off great jigsaw, by the way. Oh yes! Yeah, and they were moving hexagon pieces from red to blue. And I didn't know what the red wall was, but at the time it looked like an necklace. And they kept moving it around physically, which was a lot of work for the lady through the night. I was like the worst game of risk ever. Yes, yes, it was.

What an ass. That's got a good summary of this election. I don't actually see any of it because I was in a sort of labor party office. So there was this sort of silence from 1001 to 1003 and then everyone went and sat on a chair. The first time anyone spoke was about 143. It's like a bin-dubly It's like a bin-dubly. What was that?

A bin-dubly was. I found that they'd done that during the campaign. Three hours and 40 years of silence. Would have gone better, I think, than Corbin talking. I mean, let's try now to... I mean, it seems to be very negative on our side of the Perthical Seasaw. And there's, there is. Apocalyptic suggestions about the impact of five years of Johnson government.

Reduce civil liberties attacks on democratic institutions, hostility towards, so we say, the insufficiently British. They will, of course, also be a tsunami of online bile and newspaper fury. But let's clutch at some very flimsy straw soon, try to slurp on the definitely on the turn, borderline cheesy milk of optimism. Boris Johnson essentially doesn't give a shit about anything and he's nothing if not an unprinciple chance who will do anything to further his own career. Furthermore, he's no longer, because he's got a decent majority no longer tied to the total raging, hard, stonking Brexit bone elunatics within his party.

So given that, he has essentially a moral vacuum style of politics based on opportunism, is it possible that this could be harness, that his power base seats that were generally labes, so it's a very kind of shallow volatile support. I mean, because a lot of people say, oh, this means definitely win the next election, that kind of majority's not been overturned before. Do you have any shred of optimism Mark? Yeah, I do because the...

Although I think in the south, in the south the results were amazing really. If you hadn't, if they hadn't, like for Labor to win Canterbury is extraordinary. And that never ever happened until the last time. So there's bits of the south, you know, like winning Battersea, I know they've already got Battersea, but there's all sort of they took part in me. So there's bits, there's probably a dozen results.

If you just saw them and nothing else, you'd think, Labour must have a majority from that. But it's just, so I think we could be coming upside down, aren't we? It's like in the 80s, people in the north would go, oh, it's right for you, down south, all you chore is, you don't know about us up here. And it's the opposite of that now, we left sort of all website designers and coffee shop people going, you haven't got a clue about us, all you chore is in Dudley and Wolverham, Bishop Auckland,, and Stannlin and Stockton.

You know what I was like doing on a podcast? Yeah, you don't know what it's like. I think to put a different letter every couple of minutes on the top of a frothy bit of coffee, you haven't got a clue. You've never been confronted with a deconstructed latte, you f***ing silly. Yeah, exactly. So, you resigned, what did you think? Corbin. Yeah, in the next couple of days.

Well, I mean, you're f***ing assumed, so. But he did say that he's going to stick around for a period of reassessment, I think. Reflection. Reflection. He did say he didn't want to lead the next general election, but that gives him what, five years to quit. Yeah, and one after that, it could be back for. So...

I feel a... I feel a period of reflection isn't useful if you have the face of a Medusa. Yeah. Oh, flex. The mark raises and it... Yes, but then we can get this coming back to the point. I can probably make this before in the pupil. Jeremy Corbyn was the wrong leader of the Labour Party.

The right leader of the Labour Party was the beautiful. Jeremy Corbyn was the wrong leader of the Labour Party, the right leader of the Labour Party was the idea of Jeremy Corbyn. Just the vague concept. And it concerns that the idea of Boris Johnson as their leader, because there is essentially no real Boris Johnson. They've been outmaneuvered. So we move on to another election story. Well, Alice, I mean, I wish you'd said that half an hour and you'd be in much better mood. Yes, now let's move on to non-election stories and don't forget to follow the bugle for the next five years for World Exclusive Coverage on the Johnson Rain.

You are the bugles bird life correspondent. What have you got for us? Yes, Andy. In bird life news now, there's been so many bird things that have been happening. I think it's very exciting. In America, there's scandal coming up around a new pigeon fashion statement. A charity has come forward as concerned after a series of pictures appeared on the internet of pigeons wearing tiny cowboy hats in Las Vegas. Bloody stories.

Assuming that they had had a great win on the tables and were showing off their new found wealth by wearing these little hats. People were taking pictures of the adorable birds and putting them online. But this charity has come forward and said it's probably not good for pigeons to be wearing tiny, tiny cowboy hats. One more, there's so many pigeons in Vegas. Assume it's just because they've heard it's a very CD place. Or to play a backer at. I'm here all week.

That's very strictly true. Next week I'm at the Soho Theatre from Monday. Running to the eighth of January. Take us online. Also in a rectification of historical wrongs, Jimmy Hendrix has been cleared of blame for the release of parakeets in the UK. Oh, no. There's an ongoing rumor that Jimmy Hendrix... Now, I'm going to stop you there because there have been some combinations of words in recent weeks that we'd ever thought we'd hear, including this week,

Prime Minister hidesde's in French. But Jimmy Hendrix cleared of blame for release of parakeet. So I'm surprised you got no this, as some leaders in South London. Well, there are a lot of parakeets, but I've never thought I was a thing, I was a more generic Clapton thing. So Jimmy Hendrix. So this is the thing, it's been a rumor swirling for years that because Jimmy Hendrick's released some a pair of parakeets in Canopy Street in the 60s, that he was the cause of parakeets in Britain. Oh, I see. So, it's not like... So minorities are always blamed for large-scale problems. Okay, so it's not like Elvis faking his own death. Well, we need a Jimmy Hendrix rumor as well. Oh, you've written it. Well, he did release two parakeets, but parakeets were they were not exactly the Adam and Eve of all

parakeet presence in Britain. There is one other, because you might have thought it's a sort of, there is one other rumor as well, which I think is even more glorious, which is that when the African Queen was being filmed at Shepperton Studios, they used parakeets and some of them are skiped because they were trying to make it look like the jungle and some of them are skiped from the studios and that's that was that is another another room and no apparently there've been parakeets in the UK since the 1860s and there was large scale intentional releases in about

the 1930s and also in 1952 with this recurring what's been called parrot fever, where people were trying to seed parakeets across the United Kingdom. Well I'm pleased that it's not Hendrix's fault because I love Jimmy Hendrix but my appreciation of his music was significantly diminished by the sense that he'd introduced foreign gene pool to published bird species in an effort to turn British pigeons green. So I'm glad he's off the hook for that. That's better than the gene pool. The great, the great pool is the red squirrel.

Well, there are other accusations, some people claim that the Khanobi Street Stories bullshit that actually he just played a guitar solo of such unfathomable genius that apparent spontaneously first from his guitar. But I do also Shakespeare is responsible for the badger when he made a dog f*** the rock. That must be historically accurate. Don't believe everything David Attenborough says. I will continue to do so until he dies. He will never die.

Oh, remember when David Attenborough wasn't an endangered species? Remember when nostalgia was good, not all about Nazis? He would be within entirely within the character of people like Hendrix to release parakeets. Eric Clapton, of course, released a bucket of carp into the Mississippi on Touring and Rive. Which ate through the entire local population of River Eels. Joe Satriani was responsible for an infestation of wombats in Tokyo, released accidentally after a spectacular show-stopping finale to his little-known album track, Furry Frank, the combat wombat that went his nostril.

And his fellow Axeman, Peter Frampton's attempt to prove that worms were, in fact, baby snakes, led to an extremely distressing snakescapeid involving a pair of Randy Burk instructors having vigorous snake rumpy on the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC interesting Hendrix facts of course Famous of various songs purple haze which is a song about a red breed of Taiwanese puffing the facts of course famous for very songs purple haze which is a song about a red breed of Taiwanese puffing the pro coffee anthem hajo and voodoo chile which is often mispronounced it actually what it's called c hi li

as you pronounce chili he had a he had a magic glow and once spilled a glass of water on chili and it broke a 30-year drought in the out of Karma desert. That's a fact. I fell in my refuge. Unexceptible. Unexceptible level of bullshit. To be honest, you say that. Unexceptible level of bullshit.

That is the gold standard for success in this country now. Mexico has been turned on its head with protesters storming the Palace of Fine Arts in Mexico City on Tuesday because of a painting of Emiliano Zapata on a horse with an erection. The horse has the erection. He's nude, he's wearing high heels and a hat and people have been more enraged about this piece of art, the fine art than I think anyone in the UK has ever cared about art at all. They've been, they want the painting to be burned. It shows Zapata in this high heels pink hat,

naked on an arouset horse, and his grandson is furious. He says, for us as relatives, this denigrates the figure of our general, depicting him as gay, which I feel like is a stretch, just because he's nude on an arouset horse that doesn't say anything about his sexuality, maybe about his sexual preferences. Or, you know, just the fact that, you know, he was an adaptable man, clearly, he found himself in a situation where he needed to escape from somewhere naked and was not hide bound by a social convention and escaped on an aroused horse. Yeah and no one's no one's objecting to the aroused horse I think they're just

directing to the... What about the aroused horses grand children are furious? Maybe they're proud. I mean what horse wouldn't pop a boner if they've got a famous general on their back? And also in the revolution. Can you what? Was that a rhetorical question? It was. Was it?

We don't know also that the work of art was, in fact, as a part of it, could have been the England creator, Graham Gooch, who, one of his nicknames was Zap, and is an early courageous similarity with Subarta. That is a genuine fact. You've had a go at me for telling lies. How about a bit of price for a bit of fact?

I will never, never give you praise for fact, Danny. No, well done, you. I'm just surprised that it's seen as insulting, because in a revolution, an element of surprise is key. Yep. And what's more surprising than showing up to the main palace, nude on an erect horse? Yes. I mean, and it's a barrier.

I mean, the paint that horses, I mean, really dangerous. It's just a ringly, oh yeah. Interestingly, every appearance by Putin on a horse has been an attempt to recreate this photograph. But I don't recall Putin ever ever ever making a horse aroused, which suggests that he's not as good as the other. He's insufficiently masculine, yeah, sure. We'll take that Vlad. Well, a brand-o played him in a film, didn't he?

Gooch, yes. It was called Gooch. I mean, the Gooch is very relevant in this painting. I mean if you're riding a horse while naked. The bull's been swinging outside the office. Oh that's one I highlight to my ear. This is disintegrating rapidly. Again an entirely appropriate phrase for today.

appropriate phrase for today. Yes. A quick bit of other universe news. Well, I've got one that I think, you know, because we've talked about Barstjohnson impersonating a Prime Minister, and just nobody knows who he is, etc. playing various parts. An Indian man has been impersonating a Lufthansa pilot for about... Thank you, sir. ...an Indian man who is not a pilot,

has been going to airport dressed as a Lufthansa pilot for five and a half years and flying on different commercial planes. And all he's had is just a pilot's outfit. And finally looked at Sir Cotter and said, this is a fake badge, this is just something from a fancy dress place. And he said, yes. But for five years, this gentleman has traveled the world just dressed as a pilot. And that gives me absolute hope that Boris Johnson will successfully be able to lead the conservative part You just have to dress the part and do you have to get through that?

How do you get for security in that? So he had you know when you look like a pilot apparently Indian airports just let you pass And he had the hat and he had the thing and he had a fake badge made and the badge was really fake because it just said pilot on it. With no further details. And it took a lot of time so everybody else was about five years to catch up but he'd seen the whole world in that time. I wish you made this some quite a good pilot as well.

I didn't just get all the lights. Yeah, yeah. But like you always pilot the pilot. Yeah, and he just dressed as a pilot. And I think that's a nice... Wouldn't he go in the cockpit then? Sometimes, I think they let him. But most of the time he traveled first class.

And there was always an empty seat. And he was just because he looked the part, which I think is quite relevant and in the modern world. There is a one-man metaphor for 21st century politics. Yeah, exactly. Mark earlier, you brought up how the world was in the modern world. Like is it one man metaphor for 21st century politics? Yeah, exactly. Mark earlier, you brought up how the world was in the future going to be divided into sort of conservative shipbuilders and liberal meme makers. But you have to dress the pot.

My head, shipbuilder, has to look like a shipbuilder. And the meme maker has to have a coffee in his hand and tight pants and a long beard that's carefully groomed. So this guy, he's way ahead of time. He, he, he, himself, a pilot's outfit and a thing and confidence. He said, how did they say how did he cheat so many people? He said, the main thing is you have to walk in and look the person in the eye, the airport and say, pilot. Well, if there's a message from this week's show, it is that lying works and for f**ks like practising. That said, there will be no lies about our volunteer subscribers at the end of this week's show,

this is in honour of all the lies that have been told during the election campaign. That brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Thanks so much for coming in on What I know is a difficult day for you in particular mark and indeed Well, I think this in general is I just means that the whole of my life is gonna failure Along with that most people's lives have been a failure at least you've got a reason to point to thank you Positive note to end on. Alex, thanks very much. You can see Alex alongside me in the Certifiable History at Soho Theatre, also doing her show

Savage from the Second to the Fourth in the... You can double up, in fact, you can go to my show at 730, Spot or Dinner, and then Alex is at... 1015, 15. It's a second of the fourth of January We're now and for being the time of year in which people least want to see comedy Come to two comedy shows in the evening. Mark, have you got any tour shows coming up? No, oh there we go I have actually I think it's starting February, but what

Don't wear it is Just wonder about you'll find me. That's how I think of my whole life. And about how many, I'm back in April. So I'm starting a small run of the Edinburgh Shore Democracy and Discordancing at Sir Hothieta, 27th April, which unfortunately happens to be my birthday. But it's a good way to spend it.

Mine's the 7th of January. Right, I mean, you just dropped that in a few weeks out, I try and haul it. Oh, yeah, absolutely. By me presents. Yeah, the first days have been cancelled. But it's not an adios. Now that is an election campaign. That will let you through airport if you just had that t-shirt.

Thank you for listening, Bueglis. We will be back next week with the final full Buegl of the year. Thank you for listening. you