The Bugle - Bugle 4134 - Mike Pence gets horny

Episode Date: December 21, 2019

Andy, Hari and Alice look at US impeachment news, the British political fallout and find solace in toilet news.Subscribe to our new show, The Last Post, here: http://pod.link/TheLastPost Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle Presents

The Last Post with Alice Fraser. Imagine a world just like this one but different. An alternate dimension where everything is very familiar but not quite the same. Where Trump is still tweeting and Brexit continues to rage on and climate change controversies cascade beneath ever more predictable extreme weather events. Imagine this other world also has podcasts, and there's a satirical show with this sound that fights truth to power.

But this one isn't hosted by this guy. Hello, Buglers! It's hosted by me, Alice Fraser, not a guy, and it's David. Imagine someone sent that podcast to the right email address, but in the wrong dimension. This dimension, every day from the 1st of January 2020, the last post. Search the last post in your podcast app, now! Hello, viewers! The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, viewers!

And welcome to issue 4134 of the Bugle. For the second time in human history, this is the last full bugle of a decade. This decade will come spluttering to its end in under two weeks time. I'm an ex-automant, and I'm not going anywhere until this recording is finished when I will head to the Soho Theatre for my show tonight. There are still tickets available for the referendum, particularly on the added dates from the 6th to the 8th of January. Joining me this week, ahead of the official launch of a new Bugle spin-off show, The Last Post, and it must be said not, at 100% health rating today, it's Alice Fraser.

Hello, Ernie, hello, Bugleers. Yes, if we were playing a video game, my life bar would be in the red. I'm running on 12% batteries, but I'm here to be satirical, and really that only takes about 12% of your brain. Don't give away the secrets of the trade. Your health is in itself satirizing global democracy. Yes, I embody the state of politics right now. Still alive, but not at its best. And joining us from New York City. Another country that's been enjoying some slapstick democracy, it's Harry Kondabolo.

Hey Andy. I think that's the most enthusiastic greeting that you've given me all year actually. It's not been a good year, it's not been a good year. How's the process of your institutional degradation going? It's moving swiftly. One hearing at a time. We are recording on the 19th of December, on this day in the year 1819, exactly 200 years ago, a man called Peter, a te potato, which makes you think, oh, we're really so different today. In other words, I didn't quite get around to doing the anniversary this week, but as always, the section of the

viewable is going straight. In the bin, this week, special feature on the YouTubers to look out for in the year 2020, as you know, the viewable, or it has its finger right on the pulse of contemporary culture. And here are some of the tubers that you can expect to be entertaining you over the next 12 months. Jack in the box, he does these brilliant re-boxing videos, talking through what it feels like to put a new tech product back in its box when you realize you absolutely don't need it in your life.

Dribbly, Bibbly, the latest Geriatric tube, but trying to crack the increasingly lucrative nursing home YouTube watching market. Dribbly, Bibbly or Dribbib, to his constantly naturally changing legions of fans does. Very entertaining tips on everything from how to play cribbage while barely awake, intimidating snoring, how to run a sweepstake on who's going to be the next one down, and how to terrify your grandchildren with a truly harrowing look into the reality of life.

And also look out for Snaxy Wugal, who does brilliant food eating instructional videos, including a new series beginning in January advising people in the 13 and a quarter to 13 and a half age bracket, key social media, commercial demographic that, how to eat a sandwich and Instagram every mouthful without absentmindedly falling into a disused quarry or walking onto a busy motorway. So I keep an eye out for those this year. Also in the bin, name that decade by which I mean name this decade, we are at the end of the decade and it still does not have a satisfactory name This I mean this is one of the the things I'm most looking forward to About the year 2020 is having a decade with a real name again. Yeah, what is it? Is it the teens? Is it the I don't know

I mean, oh, I worry what what what are Americans called this decade? I mean, I guess it would be, I mean, if you say the teens, it just makes you think of the last century, so would it not be the 2010s? Yeah, but that's all quit as well. I mean, the Northeast was awful. The Northeast was horrible. It's 20 years since we had a decent name for it.

And we look back through history in the 20th century and they had the same problem. They got 40 years into the decade and thought, we can't deal with this. We're gonna just have a world war and everyone will just, you know, define it. I think it'll probably just be remembered by just a noise, a general, a rump of disappointment. Top story this week. It's official. Trump each month is going ahead. Hari, this is, you know, a wonderful moment for everyone who enjoys pointless impeachment procedures.

They don't have even a snobal's hock and hell of rich guilty verdict. What a week it must have been. Yeah, but you have to remember, you know, this is a symbolic victory and that's the Democrats favorite kind of victory. So yeah, we got another one. I'm just disappointed in the fact that the impeachment process isn't more sort of old fashioned and humiliating. I was hoping for someone to be sort of dragged around on a cart while people throw rotten fruit at them, but apparently it's all just quite official and you're allowed to.

Yes, I mean, I'm not sure that the peach bit of impeachment did come from the fruit of it, but I'm not a technologist, I've asked my sister. It has highlighted the total f***ingness of the American system, essentially, that the chances of impeachment being voted for this are basically 100%, the chance of a guilty verdict are basically 0% it splits completely on political ground so I mean essentially what this has

shown is that truth in American politics can constitutionally go fuck itself. Well I mean Mitch McConnell said that I'm not going to pretend to be an unbiased juror which is genuinely the most bananas thing I've ever heard. In an ordinary, right. In an ordinary court case, that would mean you would throw out the jury and get a new one. Can we do that? Can we throw out the Senate and get a new one? Well, the thing is, if you start throwing out everyone in America who will be biased in this case, you will end up with a guy who's been missing somewhere in the Appalachians for the last 85 years or Jimmy Harper.

I mean, the trial is 12 people in America who just have never heard of Trump. The trial starts in the middle of January in theory, and Pelosi won't transmit the articles of impeachment until she gets certain ex... This is a theory that she's not going to transmit the articles of impeachment until she gets certain assurances, which I don't think is going to happen since McConnell creates the rules. And so I actually dug up some of the rules using my cyber hacking ability. That's what you're on the show for.

Yeah, I had to hack into the mainframe, and this is what I pulled out. Apparently here, the rules that McConnell wants, no new witnesses, no new testimony, no mention of the word Ukraine, no mention of guilty without the word not, no mention of hands, no one is allowed to use the bathroom until the trial is over. No sex in the champagne room. Oh, come on is over. No sex in the champagne room.

Oh, come on! There's no sex in the champagne room. Absolutely. Dink chit-dink. Kennedy dying fine. It's bad. I mean, I guess the thing is that things like the overwhelming weight of evidence

are of little matter in America at any level, least of all, at the very top. So we've got to look for at least moments to lift the soul. And I think we had that this year with Donald Trump's letter to Nancy Pelosi. Because sometimes great artists achieve something so perfect that it encapsulates everything about their craft, their skill, their unique genius. You think of the path and on as the expression of classical Ath their unique genius. You think of the path and on as the expression of classical Athenian architecture. You think of the Sistine Chapel for Michael Angelo,

maybe Hamlet for Shakespeare, Rodan's Burgers of Calais, one of the great high points of modern sculptor Diego Maradona's gold against England in the 1986 World Cup of F***ing Sight. Take all the, that manor ball, doesn't, you think of Roger Federer demolishing Lake Hewitt at the US Open Final in 2004. You think of Kajagougu's hit 1980s single Two Shy or VVS Laxpens 281 against Australia in 2001 or even a very fine joke. I myself wrote about the Syrian crisis.

But with Trump, one of the most original performance artists of all time, a boundary-blasting, shape-shifting convention crushing, redefiner of his genre. This was his masterpiece, a six-page concerto of the k***tic arts, a symphony for the shit for brain, a full-scale, all-encompassing expression of the Trumpel Stiltsky and Ervera, an epistrollery stop of such delusionary perfection as to make fans of the art form stop,

take a deep breath and think, this is what I live for. I don't know how you, Douglas, get your moments of spiritual peace and art, maybe you listen to a perfect song by Shubit or think your eyes into a painting by Rothko or maybe listen to a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful chorus. But if you are a fan of Trump, a Fox Fishing Ardow, a maker America, a gobbshite, again a hatirer, this letter will be forever your inner sanctuary of perfect Sulfowness. It was truly one of the most extraordinary

combinations of words and letters ever put to paper in the history of language. It was truly amazing I went to an all-girls high school when you know, bitchy letters to each other which ran through series of half-imaginary offences were the currency and yet I have never read something that was quite this incoherently petty What I love about it is the fact that he has such a limited vocabulary and Most people when you have a limited vocabular is you use a thessaurus But he can't he can't use it the source because, you use it the Sorus, but he can't use it the Sorus because if he uses it uses it the Sorus That means that the Sorus is better than he is

And his refusal to ever admit he's wrong means these are the best words There are no other words that could possibly better than these words Let's look at some of those those words now He wrote you have cheapened the importance of the very ugly word impeachment, which I actually think is called a nice word. The impeachment, it's a very nice word, it's got a nice roll off the tongue to it. It also feels like that sentence begins somewhere that it doesn't end. It feels like there is a there's a cheapened the importance of the very ugly word. I mean, how important is this ugly?

I'm not. Also, don't body shame a word. Yeah. Um. It's not, but it's like treaty, isn't it? Treaty, I mean, it's a disappointed, you know, it sounds like it's going to be full of treats in the generally, full of rather tedious clauses.

He said, this is even worse than offending the founding fathers. Now, I imagine the founding fathers are pretty much immune to offence by now, after the last four years. In fact, the most common phrase in Weijerbord sessions with the founding fathers is for f*** sake. That's obviously not what we meant. And interestingly, and perhaps, absolutely, the official abbreviation for founding fathers is FFS. You know that? I did not know that. You also said you are offending Americans of faith by continually saying you pray for

the president when you know this statement is not true. It's not true that she doesn't pray for the president. It's just it doesn't work. I mean prayer at best is statistically ineffective, but praying for this president, for numerous reasons, I think is pretty much guaranteed a 0% success, right? He went on to say, you have developed a fully fledged case of what many in the media call Trump derangement syndrome, which is not so much the pot calling the kettle black as the pot calling the hamster

a pot. And he said, you view democracy as your enemy. Therein, this is Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House. She's devoted most of her life to democracy, whatever side of the political cease or your own, that is a fact, Donald Trump by contrast dipped into it as a bit of a PR stunt a few years ago, and I spent the entire time since then treating democracy with the same respectful duty of care as a devil worshipping slash metal guitarist and a giant penis out for a non-funeral. In any case, I don't think democracy is the enemy, it's more of a weird, deranged, and wildly temperamental uncle.

It's not an enemy at the moment. This was, I think, perhaps my favorite bit, Donald Trump wrote, more due process was afforded to those accused in the Salem Witch Trials. I mean, that is one hell out of all the things he said, Harry, in the last four years. That's that's up there, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, it's up there. Also, I think part of why it's so incredible is that you get his, like his insanity one tweet at a time to read a full letter filled with so many sentences that he vaguely tried to connect to each other is remarkable. Remarkable. I mean honestly it barely reads as a full letter. It's really just a series of tweets he wrote down all at once. I'm starting to think that maybe the Democrats are wrong and the Republicans are right because no one can be this terrible.

You know what I mean? Like I feel like maybe there is a conspiracy theory that is painting Trump in a bad light, because surely no one is genuinely this off the wall. Something you're saying his own pen is in on the conspiracy. Yes, I'm saying that he is part of a conspiracy to paint himself in the worst possible light. This goes right to the very top. Because right to the very top. No one can be this much of an asshole, and I think his whole tenure is performance art, just seeing how far he can push it. I know that part of the conspiracy, I think, also is our shared understanding of words,

which has been cultivated over thousands of years, all part of a conspiracy for us to interpret the words he is using as f*** up. Well, I guess when it comes to the silent witch trials, you know, he hasn't yet been offered the option of being dunked in a pond. Yes. He's, I don't know, I don't think that happened

at the silent witch trials, but let's assume that it did. Well, they could do the old flower trial, which is where you have to eat a spoonful of flour, and if you can swallow it down, it means your mouth is moist, and therefore you're not lying. Whereas if your mouth is dry, then you are lying. That's science. Right. But it doesn't really believe in science.

So I don't know if he's going to go for that. Trump also had a rally suggested that the recently deceased John Dingell, record-breaking congressman who had 59 years in Congress, World War veteran, was in hell, looking up from hell and even some of his own crowds into gas. That might be, maybe, again, we see this from our own position here in our lefty bubbles. Actually this is what the disenfranchised Rus Belvovoters wanted. They wanted a president who was prepared to say that a lifelong public servant of war here had gone to hell. Because they had that kind of president.

And at last, they have that kind of you know second only to the US Embassy moving to Jerusalem that was absolutely crucial to the reinvigoration of the Russel and of course a clamp down on reproductive rights that's so I think that's what it was all about as well I mean if anything reproductive rights have been siphoning money and opportunity away from the old industrial heartlands more than than anything else. But at least now they do have a president who said that a war hero has gone to hell. Which is lovely. His commitment to bullying is extraordinary.

Regardless of the circumstance, he will find a way to bully something. It's like his religion. This is because he ordered the flags to be half-staff after John Dingo died and his wife who, you know, took John Dingo's place in the vote, voted for impeachment. And so he feels personally insulted because I did you a favor. So you should do me a favor. What's the term for that? Is that quid pro quo? I'd leave. And since she didn't, because she didn't reciprocate,

she, he said, I mean, it's kind of clever for what it is. According to him, she said that, O'John's probably looking down and has a smile on his face, something like that. And he replied, or maybe he's looking up. I mean, it's pretty brutal, but clever for a bully. Unless he's questioning, you know, the Christian vision of heaven and hell, and he's maybe more going for an ancient Greek concept of another world. I don't know. Maybe We're just being needlessly negative.

The River Sticks and Stones may break the promise. It also should be noted that Vice President Mike Pence spent the day hiding his erection. The two articles of impeachment, just to review, it's an abuse of power, his accusation of abusing power because he was held for a hundred million dollars of aid until you crane announced investigation on jubyden and son and also for obstructing congress because he wasn't uh... cooperating with the house on this investigation apparently there's a third article

uh... that uh... he's being accused of being a complete piece of shit but apparently that did not get through Congress, as apparently it is not unconstitutional. And in fact, would have led to the impeachment of most US presidents. Moving across the Atlantic where we are a week on from last week and the election results still exists and that's curious mathematics of what we discussed last week has has left an emboldened Boris Johnson. So what will the

Johnson years bring? I mean so far it's not wildly optimistic we have the Queen's speech yesterday. Queen seems to change her political opinion. Yeah, an old amount. Well, I guess, you know, maybe she's just mirrored in the fact that generally, as people get older, they get a little bit more right wing. So the government seems to be ditching pledges on child refugee protection,

because these child refugees will come and over here and steal in our jobs. Apparently, a government spokespeople are going to be advised not to use the term Brexit after the 31st of January. This is a British issue clearly, and I think it's good to remember at this point that George Orwell was writing warnings, not blueprints. Let me let me think maybe we've forgotten that as a as a nation. I mean what what is the real Boris Johnson? He's attempted to build some bridges over the plains that he himself flooded here in London.

We know that when Boris Johnson offers to build a bridge as happened with the proposed London garden bridge across the Thames the totally fucking pointless bridge covered in plants that no one thought was necessary and cost... what was it? £100 million or something? Chris, yeah a lot of money, let's just go with the money. Well it hasn't happened, he was behind the bridge, he was in favour of the bridge, the bridge, lots of money got lost, no bridge happened. So when he says he wants to build bridges, beware also we do know if Boris Johnson designs and builds a bridge, there is going to be some luxury first class accommodation for some absolutely horrific trolls built underneath. But are we being too cynical? There's a famous, I mean, perhaps not. Yeah, there's a famous, there's a famous saying leopards never change their spots. But it's also true that leopards do sometimes

put on a cuddly coirlar outfit, if they think it'll help them politically. But we do actually now have the technology to give Leopard's a full fur graph, but I guess it'll probably still be the same kind of or underneath it, although we don't know that. The graph might actually be quite a traumatic experience and make the leopard emerge change. I guess we just got to try and let the leopard be who the leopard, I'm confused. My favourite bit about this whole process is how Johnson is presenting himself now as a man of the people, despite the fact that he is the poshest thing since incest. And he said, we have a pre-cooked Brexit meal

ready to pop in the microwave, and we will bring it before Parliament this week, as though he's ever met a microwave. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Also, pre-cooked meals that you've put in the microwave are generally f***ing disgusting. They're truly disgusting. They're too high insult and they're a sign of like a sad life gone badly wrong.

He's essentially made a lot of what I call Zimbabwean dollar promises in that they sound big, but they're fundamentally worthless. We'll probably end up being devalued to wait for something way more moderate, but still not worth having, or just changed directly into US dollars. We don't know how it'll all pan out. We can just hope that it's one of those accidental coincidences between personal interest and national interest.

Meanwhile, the outgoing Supreme Court president, Lady Hale, warned against Britain adopting an American-style Supreme Court system. I'm not quite sure why. I don't know if it's just that she doesn't want uh... warned against britain adopting an american style supreme court system uh... i'm not quite sure why i don't know if it's just that she doesn't want to mortgage the entire ethical future of the country to short-term political gameplay uh... in harry you you as an american uh... presumably you're a massive fan of your political side supreme court i do i do love our supreme court and how

so much of it is based on hoping different members will die at the right time See it's not the right time for Ruth Bader Ginsburg to die So she needs to live perhaps another two maybe six years for their For our political goals to be met also Clarence Thomas won't die soon enough. That's how this game is played. It doesn't work that way in the UK. You don't just wait for your Supreme Court justices to die for there to be justice in the country. We don't

yet, but maybe that'll come. Maybe one day soon. I mean, it's odd that Britain hasn't adopted that because it's very pro, generally, a lifelong office. Yeah, but we make sure that they can't actually do anything. Yeah, it says though the queen were a political figure and you just were having your fingers crossed. There's the queen have no power whatsoever. No, not really. No, I mean, that's...

Her whole power comes from not ever saying or doing anything particularly anything. Yes, I mean she is a blueprint I think for all politicians around the world. If only no politician actually did anything or said anything meaningful, I think the world will be a much happier place. I mean all the minor royals go and their whole thing is basically arms deals, right? Well, I mean if only it were only that. I've found recent evidence from certain princes. This was a lovely detail about the election. Yuri Geller, spoon-bender extraordinaire, claimed that he helped Boris Johnson win the election

through the power of his mind, which might make a little bit more sense than first past the post, to be honest. I mean, this was a delightful thing. I was surprised that Yuri Gela was still alive. That's actually the same thought I had as well, which is like, wow. I do hope that in the very unlikely of in the Yuri Gela ever does die,

that as his coffin is sitting in wherever he's having his funeral, it just gradually sets up from one of his shoes. One of the side effects of the conservative picture of course is the likely furtherance of the breakup of the United Kingdom in the form of momentum for the Scottish independence movement. Nicholas Sturgeon set out what she described as an un-un-un-arguable case for a second independence referendum. And the government interpreted the word un-arguable meaning that they don't have to argue against

it and have said that it will not happen on any circumstances because we are Britain and by Britain what they mean is England. Wait so if if Scotland becomes independent will they be able to survive on whiskey and shortbread exports alone? I think so. I mean they do sell a lot of whiskey and shortbread exports alone. I think so. I mean, they do sell a lot of whiskey and shortbread. They also have, I think, a monopoly on most of the water in the United Kingdom. So that's how it is. Oh my God. Also, does Andy Murray's first British man to win Wimbledon?

Don't even go there, Harry. Do not. I mean, does that knock the vote? That's the long vote. To the nation. It was not British. Don't even go there, Harry. Do not. Does that, Nack, does that even have a vote? Back to the nation. It was not. If he's not British, if he ends up, if he's like, scars, does it get grandfathered in as a British victory?

Or do we go back to Fred Perry? He was, he was, he was British when he won it. That is, that is a victory. It was not Andy Murray that won that title. It was the entire population of Britain. Unless, never forget that. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A button has been pressed yet again at the Paris conference. I don't know, it's been trying to try and test it, given the environment the silent treatment. Oh, yeah, you want to destroy it. I will have life, our social stability in our entire

future. Well, talk to the hand because the government's international bodies and species in general ain't listening. Go outside until you can behave yourself. I am outside, I'm literally... I think I'm getting increasingly concerned about this. I think we are not that far away now, maybe 20 to 30 years from the tipping point where the living are pursuing the dead in zombie films. Whilst the environmental snooze button was being pressed in Paris, Australia was celebrating breaking its all-time hottest day record. Yeah, number one, number one.

When it's not down to number two by the very next day, when it beat itself. I mean, you can have a look at the heat charts for Australia. And I didn't know there was a colour that was more hot than red. But they've gone into the purples and blacks in some areas. I wonder if they'll just start again from the beginning once they peak out. But it's a genuinely terrifying thing to see your own country be on fire. Yeah, so a 41 degrees average highest temperature across the entire

country in some places of 47, 48, 49 degrees. Yeah, I'm going to start getting a bit cranky when it reaches about 24 to be honest. Yeah. I speak Fahrenheit, so I have no idea. This is hard, this is hard, right? Look, we love our sunbird country, but someone could probably put some elevator out on us. So, yeah, 41 Celsius is 106 Fahrenheit, and Christian, on the highest temperature reach was 48, which is 118 Fahrenheit. Bear in mind that water boils at 100. That means everything was natural boiling. If it was confused water that didn't know it's metric

from its imperial. It's been described as a once in a lifetime heatwave. We should point out though, that the lifetime now uses a reference point for all once in a lifetime weather events is now the lifetime of a hamster. Actually, I'm just hearing that I've now been updated to the lifetime of a fruit fly after what's happened in Australia. This, oh, and in Australia, in fact, the 24-hour Ponson-Bees micro ferret, which of course lives for less than a day. The American Prime Minister, though, has taken some unfair criticism

because he has been on holiday and has finally been persuaded to return to Australia from And has finally been persuaded to return to Australia from his holiday. Now, I think this is unfair. We often grouch against and quibble slam our leaders for not being entirely honest, for acting in a way intended to jute the voting public, often these criticisms, or what the layperson might describe as entirely justified. But in this case, you have a politician who is laying his cards firmly and honestly on the table, an Australian Prime Minister who not only doesn't give a shit about the environment, but is prepared to leave the country

when it's on fire to demonstrate how much he doesn't give and this is just honesty, isn't it? Yep, he's laying his cards on the table and all of the cards say, I'm a ****. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The Prime Minister Scott Morrison's deputy Michael McCormack was acting Prime Minister whilst Morrison was out of the country. He told a group of climate activists to quote, go and do something productive whilst these fires were going on. As the Mercury was hitting, oh, I've never been to this bit of a thermometer before, as this barbecue obsession was essentially putting itself on its own barbecue and as wildfires open

their minds and visited parts of the world that they're usually too, they usually can't be bothered to go to. Go and do something productive that is full words, speaking to protesters via reporters at the rural fire service control centre in Sydney said go and do something productive, go donate your time to Meals on Wheels or something like that. Now in some ways, Meals on Wheels, delivering food to the elderly, that might help these climate protesters understand the social time bomb of an aging population, but that itself only further highlights the importance of sorting the environment out, so they'll be back protesting against that within 24 hours. But there's no good way out of this. I mean, I've not really come across Michael McCormack too much before.

Alice is, I'm presumably one of your great political heroes. Yeah, basically, every politician in Australia give or take maybe three that actually have a personality. Every politician in Australia is just sort of a bland cut out of a man in a suit. That's how we run it. They're almost entirely interchangeable, except sometimes when they get into power, you find out that they're deeply religious. There was a very amusing tweet put up from some of the new conservative MPs from breached the Red Wall in the North that we were talking about last week and their first day in Parliament. They were all white men. The only difference was one of them was not wearing a tie.

I think possibly tweet of the week. What a rebel. What I think is kind of unbelievable is all these countries are pushing the inevitable, right? They're like delaying it, they're agreeing to deal. So we'll do it with it next year. You know, we've gotten this far and then we'll talk about the next decade, you know, in a future meeting. The thing is, the compromise is between countries and not a compromise with the earth. That's really who you need the extension from. When you get an extension, it's from the teacher.

The other students can't be like, the class decided we're all getting an extension on this exam. We don't want to take it to like next week. And then the teacher will be, well, that's cute. You all fail. Well, that's how the teacher works. So, yeah, I don't understand the logic of any of this. It's getting catastrophic, Harry.

I don't think you quite understand it. In Australia, at the moment, it is too hot for cricket. So a sport where a significant number of the players just stand around. For most of the game. Oh, this is, I think this might be the tipping point for me. But I just start actually doing stuff about it instead of just thinking about doing stuff about it. We all have our tipping points and I think that's mine. In a sapphic greeting card news, now the Hallmark Channel has apologised and put back four commercials that had pulled from the wedding planning website that had featured

two brides kissing. So what happened was they had pulled it from the website after they faced a wave of criticism from religious groups and then they put it back on after they faced a wave of criticism from pro LGBT Activists and I assume that they will face a right wave of criticism for putting them back up and then they'll take them back down And then they'll face another way for criticism for taking down and put them back up in an infinitely recursive Attempt to please both sides of an increasingly polarized world I mean, I think we need to put this in context, Alice, because this happened in the year 2019,

let me say 2019 and AD as well, that's really the key. I mean, are there still people in the world who think that God will strike them down for seeing lesbians being affectionate with each other in an advert for a greetings card come? Are there still people who believe that in which case, my message to the religious right is stop defacing people's bibles. I feel like they may have misinterpreted what the ads were. I mean, the greeting cards themselves are not lesbians,

they're just greeting cards, but they may be sent between lesbians. But can you, I don't know the signs of this, can you catch lesbians from a card? Yeah. I mean, you've not said no, Alice. I don't know the signs of this, can you catch lesbianism from a car? I mean, you've not said no Alice. I don't know. Anyway, I'm just not sure this is how God works.

Oh, I was to joking stuff. Terrible sorry about your recent death. I was trying to get you an extension past the takeover in Olympics. I know you're much loved sported by a old bloody reeks at some quotas to hear the apparently. So sorry about you having to die. Now, first, just looking at the face of one, congratulations on a life. Very well lived, excellent ratings, coming up on your application form for your morality, generosity, humanity, things are very much in favour and I must say on a personal level,

you have a quite terrific baritone when singing here. I do really enjoy that maybe a little too much on refreshment. This is about me. Frank, Frank, Frank. This is about you, Mrs. Jenga-Jock. And, well, I mean, it was going very well, and it was all too well, and being a magical affection in a TV advertisement. I know you say you were asleep in a hospital better than time on the verge of death. But you know how I work. I'm afraid it is strict liability on these things like all the food you stuff in my other franchises so uh cheerio put the overcoat on the charity box on the way down you will not be needing that to be I mean to be fair hallmark did apologize for what they did with their new corporate homophobia apology part.

So they did, maybe it was just a way to, you know, to publicize this new greeting card. This is what the greeting card said. It said, I just wanted to say, hey, heartfelt apologies that I thought it was strange to be gay. We mean what we say. Please don't take your gay money away. Sorry, I think you've just found the biggest untouched commercial market in the world, corporate apology greeting card. LAUGHTER

Productivity news now, and well this is very much the news we've been waiting for. Scientists, I assume, have developed a deliberately uncomfortable toilet to try to make people take less long, let's call them, shit breaks, when they're at work. I mean, this is very much the news that the corporate world has been waiting for. With the decline in the teaching of Latin, it's taking people longer and longer

to do cryptic crosswords on the blog. And the productivity boost from this toilet being installed in every single workspace around the world could give the world an extra five trillion working hours a day globally. Well, the toilet has a 13 degree slope that makes it painful to sit on for more than about five minutes. And I just, I mean the world has responded to this with absolute horror because toilet breaks are the only highlight of a corporate life.

Well, it's also, it's really the only true moments of solitude you get in the world. It's just me. Yeah, I think it's a good step forward in productivity. The next step obviously is having the toilet in the middle of the office open to the world. Ha ha ha ha. The gay you should done quickly then. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, that does bring a whole new meaning to that term. It just seems very short-sighted.

Like, okay, what if you're really sick and you need more than five minutes, right? Like that's increasingly painful. Or what if you're a comedian who gets their best 45 minutes of work done on the toilet every day? What about that person or group of people? I mean, there are always unforeseen side effects to this kind of thing.

I'm anticipating a huge rise in quad strength among your average office worker. And a corollary increase in cycling times. But I mean, you think of what we could achieve with all that added work time. We could develop a cure for Twitter rage. We could develop brain implants for children to save on the costly infrastructure of schools and allow the government to just implant information according to the political whims of the time. These are hugely exciting times for humanity thanks to the new patented uncomfortable crap. The person who invented this is going to hell. We do agree on that right? Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, absolutely. Just a quick bit of sport news to round off the bugle decade. And for the first time in the entire history of humanity, a female dance player has beaten a male dance player at the PDC world championship in London, Fallon Sherrick defeated Ted Evans, three, two. And it's a symbolic moment. I a massive sports fan but also I'm a lot broader of the belief that men and women are the same species. The marginalisation of women in sport has been one of the sort of unsung triumphs of the patriarchy in the

20th century. The Football Association banned women's football after the First World War. They wouldn't let women's football teams use any FAA registered grounds for about 50 years, wasn't it? It was up into about 1970. Anyway, you see this in many, many sports, just insane inequality. So this is quite a pleasing symbolic moment. Now, Darts, you would have thought was one of the sports where there really should be very little difference between the sexes, other than the fact that to get to a high level of darts, you need to spend only three to eight hours a day at minimum, practicing throwing a small thing at another small thing,

not very far away. And without stereotyping the genders, I think that suits the male psyche more than the female psyche. Does that fare Alice? Yeah, also a natural inclination to darts tends to emerge when you're wasting your fucking time in a pub with your mates. Yeah, I mean, it's not the physical side of darts. It is the entirely self-destructive lifestyle side of it that is really historically has separate.

One of the few sports where people play with a pint in hand and a cigarette hanging out of them out. It was like Formula 1 in the 1950s. Or rugby in the 1970s. This is not just a big victory for women's sports. This is a big victory for darts, which I did not know was a sport. I had to tell the story. a big victory for darts which I did not know as a sport. Well that concludes this week's bugle. Happy Christmas if that's your bag. I've been reliably informed. It's also Hanukkah very soon. My sources tell me. Happy Hanukkah, Fern. Thanks, Alice. Happy Hanukkah to you.

Happy new decade. We'll be back with a full new bugle. I think on the 3rd of January, there will be a bonus. So maybe we'll do a review of the decade as a sub-bugle next week. Chris is saying, everything, yeah, that's exactly what I want to do with my spare time. I'm going to finish. is shaking and saying, yeah, that's exactly what I want to do with my spare time. Just some breaking news, Blitzon has resigned ahead of Santa Claus' annual round the world bananza. The renowned reindeer has alleged inappropriate antlering by Prancer who denies the claim saying it was an accidental antler to posterior contact caused by loss of balance

when traveling at the necessary 780,000 miles an hour in practice. Also, I know Christmas is a largely happy to me, but if you don't know any professional facts checkers, do give them an extra big Christmas hug for 2019, it's been a f***ing dismal year for them. Alice, you are performing at the Soho Theatre, not only alongside me in my certifiable history shows, but in your own show which you will now plug. Yes, I am doing Savage which I think is maybe the best show I've ever done from the second to the fourth of January at the Soho Theatre. It's 10, 15pm, so it's like a prime time slot. Everyone wants to go see Comedy on the second of January, right? Well, yes, and if you are coming to see

my show on the second of January, get a bit, yes, and if you are coming to see my show on the second of January, get a bit of dinner after my show and then go and see Alice. Please do. In the same venue at 10-15. Are any shows that you'd like to alert our listeners to? Yes, I'll be performing in New York City at Caroline's on Broadway from January 23rd through the 25th. And for bugle listeners, if you use the online code mango you get a $5 discount.

Oh that's lovely, mangoes are my favorite fruit. It's my favorite fruit. There you go. Yeah you had a beautiful long routine about the Alfonso mango. That is correct. That is correct. I'm known for mangoes. I'm trying to write some kiwi material to be honest with you.

We don't want to get caught because pigeon holders holders the guy you just does manga jokes to you also a Kiwi tried to kill my mother Also a thing that people can do is subscribe to the last post feed Where I will be publishing all of these little podcasts that have just somehow appeared in my email from a different dimension There we go. Thank you as always for listening. We'll be back with a review of the decade next week. And in the meantime, here are some lies. Take a look. This week's lies take the form of two pieces of research presented by teams of buglevoluntosubscribers

at the recent international conference for exciting new theories about all kinds of stuff. Neil Gernsey presented a paper which wondered whether Darwinism means that eventually all edible animals will evolve so that they are less tasty and nutritious. Surely if Darwinism is worth the e-paper, it's now e-written on, it should involve the survival of the least yummy. That says Neil, it's basic self-preservation. Victoria Godfrey, however, retorted that counter-intuitively,

being tasty actually makes animals more likely to survive. It might not be a sound life strategy for the individual animals themselves, notes Victoria, but it definitely boosts the numbers of the species as a whole. Christopher Barnard jumps in with some numbers, citing the difference between the number of cows in the world and the number of rhinoceros which Christopher without it must be stressed any personal experience, assumes do not taste very nice and are quite chewy, especially if you eat them whole. Christian Cazer disagrees vehemently, citing the evidence that no animal has evolved to naturally taste not only of meat, but also of ketchup and mustard or other garnishes. Monika Gibbs thinks that looking at the number of wasps versus the number of pandas at

large in the world, Darwinism is actually more about the survival of the most annoying at picnics. But Ian Horsey is incandescent about Monica's suggestion and asks her in no uncertain terms whether she has ever tried to eat a picnic with a panda in the vicinity, especially if using a picnic basket made of bamboo. Monika retorts just moved somewhere else that they're quite slow animals. Moving on to the second piece of research, Lisa Pollock did some research at the institution of global millenery and discovered the origin of the bobble hat. It dates back to the year 1053, when Frankish King Robert Lecord de Bra, or Robert the Short-Armed, fell off his horse

in the woods while hunting on a cold winter's day, and emerged from the undergrowth with a hedgehog clinging to the top of his woolly hat. Derek Mead picks up the story and relates how unable to remove the terrified tenacious creature with his underlength arms, King Robert left it there and threatened to execute any courtier who did not have a hedgehog on his head within 20 minutes. Sam Bergman found papers proving that the Behechhog-headed king then had his most fruitful hunting day ever, slaying 46 stags in a couple of hours. The most, of course, since King Jacques Le Corne in the year 937, of course, a lover stat.

Mithu Ramon then explains how King Robert then made Hedgehog wearing compulsory for all fighting-aged males in winter, leading to the near extinction of hedgehogs. This forced the development of the artificial Hedgehog made of wool. And Maeve O'Shea concludes by explaining the etymology of the shape we now know as a bobble. It of course comes from the shortening of the king's name.

Robert or Bob? Le Côte de bras or Bob? Le Côte. This research almost certainly won a prize. Here endeth this week's lies. Please give one to each of your family and friends for Christmas. Please give one to each of your family and friends for Christmas.