The Bugle - Bugle 4138 A Long Tradition of Sedition

Episode Date: January 25, 2020

Andy is joined by Al Murray and Anuvab Pal this week.As India's government uses colonial British laws, Scientists look into the possibility of Human Hibernation, Invisible aliens may be amongst us now and Jeff Bezos is not sure about clicking Whatsapp links anymore.@hellobugler@almurray@AnuvabPal Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Dancilla Guard Reader. Don't forget to listen to the last post. Oh yeah.

Alice Teller or Lysner, I've not heard yet. The last post is a daily podcast that is piped into my email every day from an alternate dimension. There is an alternate universe Alice Fraser who hosts this terrible newsical news podcast and she talks about all the news that's happening over there. I think it's groundbreaking. I'm working with some scientists to figure out if we can send some emails back to her. But I enjoyed listening to it. I hope you tune in. I it. He just came out and celebrated. Subscribe now in Apple Podcasts, Spotify and all the other good places. Play, play, play, play, play, play.

New, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, newugglers, and welcome to issue 4138 of the world's foremost gallery of the New Juller Podcasts. It is Thursday, 23 January, I am Andy's ultimate for now at least, and I'm in London, where it is really starting to feel that we haven't hosted an Olympics for almost three quarters of a decade And that is not a feeling I'm enjoying even one little bit We are recording today in the Cochland studio Let's hope my guest joining me here in Cochland enjoys this street Rather more than 17th century celebrity writer John Bunyan who came here in 1688 not to do a recording, I should add, and promptly died.

So, best of luck. It's Al Murray. He was from Bedford. Was it Al? I went to school in Bedford. He was one of those people that was dangled over us as an example. The thing about Cop Lane, of course,

is when you put it into Google Maps, it's obsessed people also searched for Mind Street. Fanny Ali, however, it's really funny. Well, there was a famous haunting here by a ghost called Scratching Fanny, which I think probably the first time we recorded in this studio, we talked about it, probably an almost infantile level of debt. Come to the right place though. Absolutely. Yes, coincidentally, as I mentioned, this site would in fact the fraudulent hauntings

turned out to be a fake, like so many hauntings. Coincidentally, our second guest today is coming from the other side of a Skype call to Kolkata, India. It's Anuva Paal. Hello, Al, hello, Andy. Hey. Hello. how are you and how is how's Calcutta well speaking of ghosts I'm doing this sky call from very close to the Victoria Memorial a large white thing left behind by Queen Victoria in India and and it is rumored that her ghost haunts the building even though she's never visited. Well, I mean, that's the kind of talent that you get with royals, that I can haunt over a distance of thousands of miles.

That is fantastic. If she's doing that, I'm not supposed to once you've died, your spirit's free to wander. So maybe she's on some sort of global tour of the place that she never got to. Right. After Brexit, her all British ghosts can be restricted to haunting in Britain only. Freedom of boos!

But they've started strong now. We are recording on the 23rd January. Monday is the 27th of January, which marks the 21st anniversary of the 27th of January, 1999, which was the day I did my first proper stand-up gig. Not far from here in Old Street at the comedy calf, it was a real sliding doors moment for me as I'd applied for a job at a cricket magazine. I did an open mic gig, you hadn't gone what I'd probably given up comedy and things could have gone very differently. I could have easily ended up spending

way, way too much time watching cricket. 24th of January, tomorrow, Friday is belly-laf day, but luckily we're recording on Thursday, the 23rd. So, a slight sneaker has always got away for, imagine how much funny the show would be if it had been tomorrow. And the 25th of Saturday, which is when the show will essentially be released, is Room of One's Own Day.

So you're going to listen to the show with no belly laughs, as God intended, in quiet solitude. As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight and have been this week. We have a vegan fashion section, including the latest vegan fashions, including Folafant, Moch Ivory, made from consensual elephant-shaped trees painted with leftover out-of-date mayonnaise sachets, vegan mayonnaise. And the new material, sweeping vegan fashion, turf hurt.

Is it turf? Is it fur? It's turf, but it looks and feels like fur. Green fur, but feels like grass anyway. And it's the must have fur, must have material. 2020. January is hobby month for we review the latest hot hobbies sweeping the world,

material free knitting, all the relaxation of conventional wool knitting, but without any actual yarn. Not only is it easier to get those tricky designs right, but also no unwanted unneeded piece of half-assed clothing at the end and you never know, you might even be able to sell it to an emperor. Bridge slamming, that's a great new fitness exercise.

So go to your nearest bridge and then criticise it for its architecture, its traffic capacity and its inability to change before running home in fear. And extreme pessimism, very popular hobby these days. But we're focusing on perhaps the hottest hobby going around the world these days, freestyle blaming with our special You in your grudge section. It's nearing the end of January and the optimism and excitement of the new year has thoroughly worn off, replaced with the numbing realisation that you, your country and your species, are irredeemably stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of underachievement, failure and self-justificatory delusion. Who writes this? Was it Cage 189 in room 1643 again? Those sodding monkeys, no fucking tight writers, sure I pay them peanuts, but they don't seem to mind and be I pay actual money for those peanuts anyway. So, but even though the inevitability of disappointment

in yourself and the world around you has hit home by now in the year like a heavyweight boxer who went for a run on a snowy winter's morning in nothing but his speedos, but forgot to take his keys with him. That was fucking monkeys. But you can still keep things fresh, exciting and unpredictable. By concocting for yourself a new grudge to hold, a new target to blame for your perceived and or invented problems, a new straw man political scarecrow to pretend to be terrified about. And this week in our special supplement, the bugle has paired up with America's top

finger-poiding recrimination publication, the Grudge Report, and its editor, Danunziata Gripostrasich, to offer you a special prize. You can win a brand new resentment-fueled car. Choose from the Invecto Obliqui, the Kavilla Umbridge, the Shagran Sensorio, the Mitsubolchi Miffmaff, or the Boris Minor. All of these, not always helpful, and often ironically, amongst the most environmentally friendly vehicles available today, powered by pure resentment. Simply complete the following sentence in less than 20,000 words for your chance to win the Bugle Blame game. I blame the blank for blank because blank. Choose from one of the following targets, the Greens, all children, Buddhists, the 1960s, the card game chased the lady,

the past, Roe Rotanians, Maroon 5, small business, ors, the card game chased the lady, the past, rural attenians, maroon five, small business, or Megan, and choose one of the following global problems. Climate change, climate change denial, the declining attention span of whoever it is is supposed to have declining attention spans these days. Wokeness, meaning that no one is allowed to shout racist abuse on public transport anymore. I mean, where will it end? Infustrations of giraffes and tartarca, VAR in football, the sad decline of silent resentment and killer sniffles, which currently are doing the rounds in considerable excitement in China. Do send your entries

into either HelloBuglers at theBugelPockers.com or the White House, Washington, DC. They could do with changing things up for election year, or any newspaper at themedia.com. There was on the lookout for these things. Entries will be locked in a sealed container and fired into space to deter aliens from bothering to come to this disputatious lune of a planet. The deadline for your entries is the year 2074. That section in the bin. Top story this week, India News, Anuva, India's been, well, as is generally the case, in

a bit of a stop with itself recently over various things, including the citizenship law. Can you just explain what's been riling up the 1.3 billion people of your country. Well, Andy, I'm glad you bring this up. Fortunately, the British left behind a lot of good things. The English language, various buildings, the railways, and some very cute sedition laws. There is one in particular, section 124A from 1860, which was basically to quell rebellion against the British. And it said, whoever by words either spoken or written or by signs of visible representation or otherwise brings or attempts to bring in hatred

or contempt towards the government and the law of India shall be punished with, at this is the part that always confused me, imprisonment for life and a fine. LAUGHTER Well, yeah, it's good to cover your bases, isn't it? for life and a fine. Well, he has got to cover your bases, isn't it? No, Imperialism doesn't pay for itself. Exactly. Yeah, I mean, that's what people think of. They have an overhead, a garage head overheads.

Come on. Exactly. So you have to sum up here for the constables. And what we've done is we've kept that law for 70 plus years. And now India's embarked on a national citizens register which is lovely if you've got four or five million people and you are Finland but if you've got 1.3 billion people and you're a hot to embark on who and who is not a citizen in an otherwise completely chaotic, insane, massive a place that has 140 religions,

560,000 dialects and languages. You're gonna run into a few protests. So, understand that in the state of Joccan, 3,000 people have been accused of sedition for protests against this, the Citizenship Amendment Act. I mean, that's quite a lot of sedition for protests against the Citizenship Amendment Act. That's quite a lot of sedition flying around there. The law at Anuvab is being controversial because for the first time, it's amended the Citizenship Act of 1955 and made religion a basis for citizenship.

It said that religiously persecuted minorities from some other countries can become citizens. But for example, Muslims from Afghanistan, Bangladesh, and Pakistan cannot on the grounds that they are not from minorities and therefore everything is fine. Is this another example of the unique logic of Narendra Modi and his Hindu nationalist government? Exactly, exactly, and that's exactly the law. Again, you know, basically like you said, the new citizenship law says, if you are being persecuted anywhere around India, so if you're being persecuted in Pakistan, in Bangladesh, in Nepal, anywhere,

you can come to India as long as you're a Hindu, you are a Sikh, your Buddhist, your Jain, your Parse and a Christian, but if you are a Muslim you cannot. That's lovely, but if you are in a country that has 250 million Muslims and the second largest Muslim population in the world and some of their relatives have been persecuted who just happened to have during the independence chosen to live in a neighboring country. They will have to tell their cousins and in-laws whoever is on that side of the border, sorry you can't come, you have to go to Dubai. I mean this sounds to me and if I'm like you're having another blast at us over the whole partition business which was ages ago, ages ago. And I mean, next time, next time we partition somewhere, which may be Scotland in the near future, we'll get it, we'll absolutely nail it.

Exactly, exactly. I mean, look, I think you know, you guys did a as good as a job that you could in the six days that you had to draw a border. I think if you're carrying on like this, I can have to wish you a fine. But I have to say, Andy, even though there were some inefficiencies in 1947, we have perfected those inefficiencies and over 70 years have sort of made chaos a bit of an art form.

So the way I can explain this new amendment is I guess Andy in cricketing terms. All right, you have my full undefined attention and I was, I would present the fact that you left that off, the list of things Britain left behind in India. Hi, I apologize, we do have cricket but we've made it into a very different game that you won't be able to recognize. So basically, it's like if you said in Britain, we will accept all Indians to come and live in Britain as long as they happen to be opening batsmen with beards under 30 who happen to have an Australian wife and whose last name is D1. You're basically saying I only want shikr dem one. India is only batsman. Not all Indian batsmen are welcome.

To be honest, I mean, that's less needed now after in those last few test matches. I've done a couple of promising young batsmen out, but a few months ago we did take it. What's the threshold for sedition? What we're talking here? Have you got to publish something or is it holding a placard?

I mean, or is it grumbling in the pub to your mates about the government? What's the actual threshold? Because sedition, sedition always, that sounds like, at least you've at least published a pamphlet to sedition. Or maybe done a podcast. I mean, that's modern sedition. This is that podcast. I mean, that's Modness

Edition. I mean, we are right here. Sedition Central from Cop, Cop Lane Sedition Central. But what's the threshold? Well, that's a really great question. So Indians for the longest time were very lazy protesters. It takes a lot, it's very hot, takes a lot of work to quote the streets, public transport is difficult to come by, so to get Indians to protest over a long period of time, it's extremely difficult. You know, we're not to have around, like nice little squares where you can gather and shout, you have to navigate a bunch

of cows, a bunch of people, you know, delivery, but it's a hard everyday life and the youth experience. Yeah, absolutely. Well, not not, I haven't been protested against any of the other working on it. So to get Indians from the cities across India to continually protest over what is now almost a couple of months and in small towns, big cities, the government has definitely pissed some people off. They've continued to say, oh, you know, this is nothing, it's just a few students, they're shouting scream, and then they're gonna go away.

When the protests have continued underrated, and these have just basically been gatherings, I mean, they've just been small numbers of people, and then maybe a small numbers of people are basically what I mean is the size of all of Denmark. Just tiny bits of people gathering and singing songs, protesting, saying, you know, you're dividing Hindus and Muslims by making this refugee thing, a religious thing. That's all they've been doing. And so the government said, right, for the first time, the public have shown some tenacity. They have started showing up in places singing songs, writing poems. We are going to bring this edition

law just to clear these crowds up. Ah, it's the poems, though. It's obviously poetry. You know, these kind of poems would be like, wouldn't they? I mean, protest poems are never good, are they? Maybe the government, I'm starting to, I'm starting to change my mind about this.

A clamp down on poor student poetry. A poor student poetry? It's a girl behind it now. I think this is what the Modi government needs to do to represent the thing. No, you're absolutely right. The one that's most popular right now that's being sung at all the protests is a poem which loosely badly translates to we won't show citizenship papers and it's got you know various rhyme schemes but none of which rhymes. Oh man. And one of the big issues is, couldn't the protestors with all this education come up with a damn thing

that at least rhymes? Ha ha ha ha. You just don't want free verse being chanted by thousands of people at once. That's first rule of poetry. Especially when India pops into so many limits, there was a man from a drug. Ha ha ha ha your question what they're doing is they're basically rounding up anybody that's in groups and saying you know you've been dub damaging government property.

You've been breaking cycles of constables. You've been throwing stones at police cars and we're just going to gather you up and throw you in prison and basically there is no law in India. just kind of gather you up and throw you in prison. And basically, there is no law in India, the post-independence that gives you the right to imprison someone without habeas corpus, which is they have to present you before a magistrate in 24 hours. And the magistrate could say, my god, you are disgusting.

I'm throwing you in jail for three days. But you have to go in front of magistrate. What this edition law does is you don't have to present them in front of anybody. You could just keep them in jail to just teach them a lesson about bad poetry. And that's what's happening. And they didn't have a law that said that. So they looked around, they were desperate. They said, okay, we don't have a law. Is there anything the British did?

They found section 1224-8. So that's what's been going on. City's big and small in India every weekend, especially a place in Delhi, this place in Delhi called Shatin Bagh, which is almost become protest central. Bollywood stars are going, the actors are going, the writers are going there. Be a citizen, the people, the Singh songs are going there, rappers are going there. And the government is really losing the battle of popular entertainment. Well, we've had that here. They just sound like the liberal metropolitan elite, those people. So, me.

I mean, it's absolutely correct. You see that because one of the things that's been going around social media is the Prime Minister's saying because a lot of these protests are led by college kids. And the Prime Minister at some point, some, love taboo girl, but he was chief Minister said, you know, I haven't been to college. What the hell is the big teaching college? Anyone can go to college. I'm self-taught. I mean you can't argue with that, can you? No, I mean logic like that is simply impenetrable. Yes, well you should shut down all universities, imagine the money you'd save. And the poetry that will be averted. Yeah.

In terms of the register of citizens in a SAM last year, almost 2 million people were left off and basically ascribed as illegal migrants out of a population of around about 30 million. So if you stretch that out across India as a whole, that's over 80 million people who will essentially cease to exist. Is this a concern or, I mean, is this not enough to it? I mean, is this the way to deal with overpopulation

around the world as just to tell people that they no longer exist? Look, Andy, I think the best way to reduce population in a country of 1.3 billion people is just to tell the world we've got 600 billion people. Who's going to check?

Yeah, and then just put the other half in one big house. Because I'll tell you a little bit about this citizenship registry that they're after. So they want this national citizens register. So basically what they're trying. So they want this national citizens register. So basically what they're trying to do

is go to a billion people and say, you, are you an Indian citizen? And it's almost like a multi-party on sketch, and you say, yes. And they say, well, what do you have to prove it? And you say, well, I've got a tax stock. I've got this tax thing from India. I've got a national ID card.

I've got a passport. And they say, they said no, no, no, that's not enough, we need to know you were born here, do you have a birth certificate, do you have your parents birth certificate? And most Indians, you know, with at least 60% of people being below the poverty line, still large parts illiterate in the North, they turn around and say, I don't have my parents birth certificate because I don't even know who my parents are, I barely know if this is my name, but this is what's under, this is what's on the document. So this should work. They're like, no, this is not going to work. We need you to prove that you're a citizen.

So naturally, this citizenship registry thing is going to throw up huge problems. So the reason all these millions of people got left off the list was because they didn't have anything to prove that there were citizens. And then the government decided that now they were going to put all these people in a detention center, just because they were saying there were Indians and they didn't have proof. Now, the difficulty with that is, I don't have any proof. Yeah, if they took them in my passport and my Indian ID, the all I have, and the to prove I'm a citizen of India, is a photograph with such a intent to occur. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Windrush, Shemozel, which sounds not entirely dissimilar to this,

albeit arguably more racist. So I'm not sure, I don't know if we can help. Well, you know, I'm just curious to know, what would be the most British thing that if you could prove, if someone knocked on your door and said, none of these documents are going to work, your red passport is not going to work. I've never been to India.

It's the most British thing about me. In the spirit of Queen Victoria, Empress of India itself, I've never been there. We'd love to have you. In fact, we'd love it if you were at for Prime Minister. It seems like it's a free parole. You could be, Archen, you could pass for a vice-royal. Well, I could probably, the thing is, I imagine that the 318 votes I got in fanning in 2015, if you upscaled those to an Indian proportion of the electorate.

Yeah. Like 17 million or something like that, a million? Minimum. We've had to prove that I'm British. Well, I don't know. Obviously, if you cut me, I bleed red, white and blue, but that's a dietary issue more than anything else. But, um, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm going to, in an eight knowledge of the history of test cricket.

I mean, that, I'm not sure that part, is any more, does it? What's the most British thing about you, well? Oh, I'm the fact that my grandmother was from Austria. All right, there we go. Science news now and well some hugely exciting scientific news. I mean obviously it's quite possible that everyone who's listening to this podcast right now is already dead, particularly if you're listening to this 5 billion years from now or 200 years from now depending on how I'm again pans out. Or if the coronavirus has wipe does all out by next Wednesday. This is yet another virus before we get onto the science news that has apparently hopped across to us from the animal kingdom.

And yet, the vegan lobby wants us to stop eating our way through all our mortal enemies until we achieve safety, honestly. Anyway, I mean, how worried are you about this? Because I'm a lapsed hyper-conjure act. And actually, it's been quite nice to have a, you know, get the juices flowing again with a nice disease. Basically, if you want to, if you want to, if you're on a paper

and you need space to fill, you just say, you make up the name of a Chinese city. So there's been a flare up, you call it mouse flu. LAUGHTER Eight, eight, eight, four to effected. Right. That's easy. So this is, I mean, how do we even know fake flu? Fake flu.

You can't trust anything these days. Exactly. I mean, I'm not that worried, but then I wasn't that worried about the Bibonic plague in the early 1300s and that town, that really bad. I mean, I wasn't alive to be worried at the time, but still the point stands. But anyway, one way around this, Al, and you are our science correspondent, of course, is hibernation.

Yes. Well, scientists say, and of course, there's another great, there's another great bugle phrase, scientists say, they've been looking into the possibility of hibernation, of human hibernation, and because rats and bats, and I mean, there are animals we know about the hibernate, bears and a dormice, I think, you know, dinosaurs, they're almost too good at it. At some point, they're gonna wake up, at some point. And they've looked into whether you can basically

get a human to hibernate, and the scientists involved in this said that they were no, what the thing in the expression they used was quite interesting. There are no showstoppers around the issue of hibernation. I think the main showstopper for me is I don't want to. They can't make me. I mean, this is the problem, isn't it? The next thing, next thing, you know,

this will become fashionable, wouldn't it? And we'll all have to hibernate. A live piece, zebragates. Exactly, the piece zebragates will be for saying, okay, it's October, you should be bedding down now. Science at some point is going to have to stop. Right. Draw the line, give up.

Right. Right, because there's no need for this, is there? Well, I mean, I disagree entirely. Wow. I mean, I've been calling for hibernation for years, and mostly when I'm about to go to bed. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but,. But Lang's self-interest aside, to me, this is the most exciting science to emergency. Tim Berners-Lee thought, what if I could help people all around the world and anonymously abuse each other on an instantaneous basis? Maybe even since Isaac Newton invented gravity, thus making tennis a way better

sport, or even since Archimedes had the first includes of the idea for the bath plug, or even since Pandora opened that box in the pockets of big farmer, of course, to the ancient Greek trouble-maxtrous. But the benefits of a hibernation for me, Al, it's good for the environment, because you don't need your heating on in the winter if you're hibernating. You can massage unemployment figures, can't you? Well, true. Because if you're without a job for three weeks in a row, compulsory state hibernation. Well, I mean, anavab's this entire Indian issue, you could half of India could hibernate,

couldn't it? Exactly. Yeah, exactly. While they're getting their paperwork done. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. In fact, if you look around, most old people in India do.

Which leads me to a question here, actually, about the definition. Now, for example, after eating a really large biryani, I'm usually knocked out from about two in the afternoon till about two the next day. Now, is that hibernation, or am I just a fat lazy person? That is the tranquilizer they're planning to use. The biryani. Well, I mean, most bears actually only hibernate

after eating a leftover biryani I have been. This is one of the few things that it's not really discussed, is it? But the whole idea is you go really cold, don't you? It's a bad one about me and Connor. It's quite hard to hibernate in India because it's never, it's never cold. I'm not sure you got up into the Himalayas. I mean, it's never, it's never cold.

When did it last snow in Mumbai, Aniva? Well, I'm, it's never, it's never, it's never cold. When did it last snow in Mumbai, Aniva? Um, well, I'm probably the AC. All right, okay. You got long memories in your country. Don't we know it? To me, I see hibernation, Millie is an entry point, and really, you want to go long term with this and go full suspendedsuspended animation.

You know, the 50-year hibernation, I think we talked about it on the bugle before, a bribe animation paid for by the government. And really, I mean, it saves taxpayers money, so what politics is all about. And solve the declining birth rate in Western countries, isn't it? The people saying, oh, we're not having enough children. But you just pop an entire generation in the freezer, 10 minutes in the microwave, bingo, new generation to look after somewhere old. I've come here for ideas today. There couldn't be any better good days. This is incredible. Also, I mean, it's not a nightmare vision of the future. No, it's not. It's not. It would make awesome reality TV as well. But celebrity panel has to

decide who to thore out this week. Is it Eric, the genius scientist who might be able to solve world's agricultural problems with a new high-yield vegan sheep spelt hybrid, but is also a serial killer, or Doreen, a nice old lady who wouldn't hurt a fleeing used to work in a charity shop. Tough call. In other science news, invisible aliens could already be among us. This is according to another scientist. Following comments from the British astronaut Helen Sharman, who was Tim Peake before Tim Peake was Tim Peake, but was a woman and not paid with taxpayer's money, therefore,

and also before the age of omnihop, so she didn't become Tim Peake, whereas Tim Peake did become Tim Peake. Anyway, Helen Sharman, the pre-Timpeak Timpeak, said that she believes aliens do exist and could be living undetected amongst us already here on Earth. She might be thinking of communists, it's hard to tell. And Samantha Rolf, who is an astrobiologist, a watcher by what you're log logistics, you ask an astrobiologist.

She says that if invisibility aliens do live amongst us, they're most likely living in a microscopic shadow biosphere. By that she wrote, I don't mean a ghost realm, but they are undiscovered creatures, probably with a different biochemistry, which means we can't study or even notice them because they are outside of our comprehension. Honestly, I mean, I think that too.

Prove me wrong. I mean, honestly, dear, me, what's she on? Like what? 45 grand a year to come on. Yeah, it's a big conspiracy. I mean, you know, that is an easy life in it, being an astrobiologist. That is an, I hope you're listening. Big astrobiologist got it sewn up.

Easy life. Exactly. Oh yeah, I reckon there's a shadow realm. Not where not a shadow realm, I wouldn't have called it that, but like a parallel system of mic, fuck for fuck's sake. I mean, the invisible aliens to me just, I mean, that's shit sci-fi films, isn't it?

Yeah, really, really awful. I mean, proper invisible alien would like not your glass over. Yeah. Wouldn't it in nudge you occasionally or whisper in your ear? Yeah. Something, you know, the turn the kitchen light off when you had a bed. Something useful, wouldn't it? But this is like, this is, this is, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm taking on astro science here. Astrobiology. Someone's got to go.

Well, one man, parents are making a stand for him. I get the astrobiologist PC for the go. Can't say anything anymore. Well, no, but this idea that you can't notice them because they're outside of our comprehension. So it's quite hard to get ahead around it. I guess we've got to think of them very much like the Victorians used to think of children or my old boy's private school used to think of women or even as Narendra Modi thinks of Muslims. So but basically when what this says to me is we've got invisible aliens perving on us in the shower and I'm not at all happy about that. Oh

I'm coming around to the other room. Could it also be because you know these aliens are very sort of Victorian in polite in British and don't want to bother our world, so they've made a little thing of theirs and they have their own Netflix and everything? Right. The polite alien, you see, you never see the polite alien. If you don't mind, hopefully. I, we'd like to stay on our planet, you know, that's not too much trouble.

Yeah. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah. I mean, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we We have been here before. Yeah. Jeff Bezos having his phone hacked by the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia news now. And this is one of the most extraordinary stories of the millennium. Any millennium, the Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos had his phone hacked apparently by the crown prince of Saudi Arabia with an infected WhatsApp video link. I mean, for a start, why you know what's up group with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia? Well, yes, so that, so it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, they're pals. Yeah. And so there's treachery in this as well, isn't there? Like, not only, so first of all,

it's like, hey, you know, let's be billionaires and hang out together. And I'm the groovy crown prince. And you're, I mean, it's very odd that they should know where do people, they pretty me a Davos, don't they people like that? They probably met last year at Davos, didn't they? And hung out and their crown prince says, yes, you can bring Amazon to my country, but these are the things you can't sell and business going on, I don't know about that. I'm not sure. And then the next thing, they're pals and they're exchanging funny videos.

Because there's a video clip, wasn't it? It was casted. This is the intriguing thing. What was in that video? What's Jeff Beesaw's expecting from a video from the crown prince, was he expecting a cat playing with a cucumber? A dog on a skateboard?

The new Avril Lavigne video, perhaps? Maybe YouTube footage of Garfield Sober's batting at lords in 1973. Maybe top 10 spring break epic fails or a cartoon instructional video about how to clean up after an assassination in an embassy or even deep fake hardcore pornographicals featuring Steve Bannon, Martha Washington, Tuton Carmen, and the controversial 1960s tennis star Margaret Court. Who knows? Who knows what video?

He was a, but it is, I mean, this is, also it makes me think that our royal family needs to buck its fucking ideas up because I cannot imagine our equivalent, Prince Charles, even having the technological capacity to send a text message, let alone hack into the phone of one of the most powerful, commercial human beings in history before months later orchestrating the assassination of a journalist.

I'm not saying that the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia would do that. I'm just saying he's got the logistical chops to hypothetically and actually pull it off. I mean, there's concerns that this could affect Saudi Arabia's attempts to lure Western business and investment into the country, which... What by acting normal? Well, we're... We're not by sharing.

This is normal. This is normal, Shabby Western behaviour. I think this is a major breakthrough for the crowd prints. He sent someone a buggy message. I mean, welcome aboard. Welcome aboard your Royal Highness. This is fantastic to, you know, I mean, this is the next thing,

those, he'll be sending out emails going, I have a million pounds in a bank, and if you've sent me a million pounds, it can be released. I think that's basically how it already works. But you have to not put off by the illegal war of a gender apartheid, the political repression, the de facto slavery, the questionable record

on press freedom and the target of the assassinations. Having your phone hacked, that is the week that Terry Jones sadly passed away, the Waffer Thin ethical mint. It is said that the reason that Muhammad Bin Salman hacked into Jeff Bezos' telephone was to find out any dirt on him because the Washington Post, the Jeff Bezos owns, was doing a lot of negative stories on Saudi Arabia. And it appears that the thing they found was the fact that Mr. Bezos was involved in a slightly illicit affair.

And details, murky details of his private life came out in the National Inquirer, a bunch of months later. And it seems like it was seeded here that this bug led to some information from his phone, which led to this national inquiry story. I just tried to make a list of things they would find on my phone if anyone had to. And I just want to know what would happen if Mohammed bin Salman went into your phone. This is what I've got. In my notes section on my phone, I've written from many months ago, I don't know why, are there any fat Nazis?

LAUGHTER If there was a race between a shark and a leopard, who would win? I've got a note from today. Remember to be clever, parentheses bugle. LAUGHTER Shark versus leopard. I mean, that so much depends on who gets home advantage, doesn't it? Yeah. It's one hell of a triathlon. They're both shit on the body. But I mean that's so much depends on who gets home advantage, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah.

It's one hell of a triathlon. They're paying shit on the body. But I mean it's going to be tougher, Saudi Arabia. They're going to have to pull out all the stops to repair the reputational damage. We're talking of absolute delusive top level sporting events to wash this one away. I mean, Olympics are super bowl. They could even host Wimbledon next year just to smooth this over. We have run out of time. And we've not even had time to

turn to the Davos Climate Squabble or impeachment. I'll imagine the impeachment story is not going to completely go away within the next seven days. Next week we are recording on the day before Brexit. So that will be a happy one. Al, thanks very much for it. It's my pleasure, as ever. For coming on. I've brought my Brexit pin. I've got three now. Right. Three Independence Day pins, through the identical except for the dates. Right. Well, there's going to be one hell of a balloon this time next week. And if I, thanks very much, as always, for your insight and wisdom on the wonderful situation. The Indian politics, I mean, it never, it never stops giving, does it?

Well, Andy, you know, I'm glad, thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure,'ll pleasure and a bit Andy but I have to say you know it is what Rundi had Kipling once said about India he said it looks quiet but some things always on fire. Well I think okay I mean that those are opposite words for us to end this week's bugle on thank you very much for listening bugleers we'll be back next week. Until then, goodbye. We will play out now with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers. Calile Cassimali is of the opinion that helicopter is not an acceptable name for a child, is

borderline for a dog, but is absolutely fine for a budgerigar. However, Calile would never own a budgie due to concerns about the ethics and more importantly, the methods of the smuggling industry surrounding the birds. Jeremy Ribbakov recently overheard a heated argument between a couple in a fancy restaurant concerning the ethics of testing new luxury mattresses on laboratory elks, which culminated in the woman saying to the man, this is exactly why I'm never using Tinder again, and the man making an antler signeter as he stormed out.

Corey and Jason Lubnefsky in the same restaurant also overheard a rout between a young boy and his grandmother, who refused to pay out for the kid's sponsored vegan January because and I quote, I saw you running through a cobweb with your mouth open. It certainly was a cranky evening. Chris Carr was dining on a separate table and his dessert was thoroughly spoiled when a physical fight broke out between a professional mountaineer and the head chef, over whether if you planted an egg in the crevice of a glass ear, it would hatch into an ice chicken. Tucker Burley was unconvinced by a late-night TV advertisement for an inflatable chopping

board, but by morning had convinced himself that it would actually force you to cut your food very carefully, and give you the added bonus of being able to buying your food directly from chopping board into frying pan. Christopher Fanaghi and Mim Glaspi, who had never met until appearing in this light together, confided in each other that they had both for several weeks a few years ago, had a recurring nightmare in which they found themselves pitching ideas for increasingly unwatchable and tasteless TV shows to a rumful of disapproving

former American presidents. Christoffer pitched the show Surgeon Sturgeon, a fish-based hospital comedy to a stern-faced Zachary Taylor. Whilst Mim proposed Beggar's beliefs in which a panel of celebrities have to guess the religious and philosophical leanings of homeless people, the idea was tercely rejected by Brotherhood B. Hayes. Ted Alkins, who by coincidence was having exactly the same recurring dream, had more luck. His idea, a children series for a religious TV channel called The Church Stables, about a fridge full of ecclesiastical vegetables trying to avoid being made into a salad, featuring characters such as Archbishop Turnip, Cardinal Carrot and the very reverend radish, absolutely charmed the usually implacable Grover Cleveland.

Here endeth, this week's lies. Very carefully, and give you the added bonus of being able to buoying your food directly from chopping board into frying pan. Christopher Fanaghi and Mim Glaspi, who had never met until appearing in this light together, confided in each other that they had both for several weeks a few years ago, had a recurring nightmare in which they found themselves pitching ideas for increasingly unwatchable and tasteless TV shows to a rumour of disapproving former American presidents. Christoffer pitched the show Surgeon Sturgeon, a fish-based hospital comedy to a stern-faced Zachary Taylor, whilst Mim proposed Beggar's beliefs in which a panel of celebrities have to guess the religious and philosophical leanings of homeless people.

The idea was closely rejected by Brotherhood B. Hayes. Ted Alkins, who by coincidence was having exactly the same recurring dream, had more luck. His idea, a children series for a religious TV channel called The Church Stables about a fridge full of ecclesiastical vegetables trying to avoid being made into a salad, featuring characters such as Archbishop Turnip, Cardinal Carrot and the very Reverend Radish absolutely charmed the usually implacable Grover Cleveland. Here endeth, this week's lies.