The Bugle - Bugle 4140 - America Special

Episode Date: February 8, 2020

Listen to The Last Post, it's our other show, and it's daily: http://pod.link/TheLastPostThis week America gave us some impeachment action, the Superbowl and the Iowa caucuses. Andy, Nish and Hari make few attempts to even bother making sense of it all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers and welcome to Bugle Issue 4,140.

Now with an all new special, choose your own introductory banter option. Hello Bugleers, I'm fine thanks. Apart from slight stiffness in the back and a chronic worry about the state of our species, you? Insert your response here, then delete according to preference. Well, I'm delighted to hear it, Stroke. I'm very sorry about that, Stroke. Wow, Stroke.

Oh God, that's terrible. Why didn't you tell me before? Stroke, right, listen to me, you must get a lawyer. Stroke. Oh, I've never tried exorcism. How's it working out for you all? Stroke, well, then happy acquittal to you. So I hope you enjoy the new introductory Tuesday round band of section. What a show we've got for you this week. Joining me today to pick the bones out of the weeks news, eat those

bones, choke on those bones, then try to homelic away to at least a state of passive acceptance. Here in London, the man described as the British Asian male non-tennis playing still a live version of Suzanne Longlong, Nish Kumar. And as you well know, that is one of the more flattering descriptions I've had in the last week and a half or so. So I mean, what is your latest beef with the... The...

Well, the... I mean, in strict contravention of my Hindu upbringing, I am having beef upon beef upon beef. Oh, gee. Yeah. Uh, it was... So, the latest... The latest about...

Uh, started last Friday when... About a year ago, I filmed some interstitial things. There's a really fun TV program which I suspect your kids may even know it's called horrible histories. We watched that a lot in the years. It's a really fun, it's a sort of factually based show about history but they take the facts of history in turn. It's a very funny comedy sketch. It was a series of books that I was very big fan of when I was growing up, and the TV show

has been a real sort of big hit in this country. And about a year and a half ago, they asked me if I would introduce some clips about Britain and Europe to coincide with Brexit Day whenever that was gonna happen. I forgot about that. I said yes to it because I was very excited at a big fan of the program, and I filmed it and had a perfectly nice time, and then sort of forgot about that. I said yes to it because I was very excited and a big fan of the program and I filmed it and had a

Pervily nice time and then sort of forgot about it and then got released on Friday and what can only be described as a Soon army of feces landed on me because a clip was posted on the internet of a song about how A lot of the things that we take for granted as being British were actually imported during the Victorian era and I introduced that with some sort of, I thought sort of tongue in cheek comments about Britain's impending glorious independence revolution and you know it was, it was not taken in the sort of cheeky spirit as it was intended. And in the last week, I've been accused of anti-British sentiment, hating British culture, and brainwashing British children, which... Right.

I'm one of those things, and I'm long to say which one. I was doing one of those things. But yeah, you know, it upset the usual group of journalists, the word I'm using incorrectly. And it's, you know, it was just another sort of week of frothing at the mouth from the commentary out. I mean, to be honest, I've got a point niche because these things you say were imported to Britain. Really, what happened was they only were discovered to be British having come from overseas. So it's, I mean, it's, we're getting slightly semantic territory.

These things were always British. They didn't exist in Britain People hadn't realized that. I've learned some startling things Andy the most startling thing I've learned is that One's worth in South London where I was born is now is actually not in Britain Right because I've been consistently told to get out of Britain and go back to where I came from and so it was a real Interesting piece of information for me to learn that I'd always assumed that South London was in fact in Britain, but actually it's technically part of Madras. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Well, it's good to clear these things up. Also, joining us from Chicago, the Windy City. Sorry, I read that wrong. The Windy kitchen. It's, it's Harry Condabolo. Hello. I prefer to be called Nish Kumar America. LAUGHTER

But I'll accept my given name. Just as a kind of, a nice story to offset some of the negativity I've already brought to the podcast. Harry actually texted me at one point during my last bout of press coverage And said you said we a very nice text saying I hope you're okay, and I said oh I'm alright and thanks for asking and I know you know exactly what how this feels and how he responded. Yes, I know exactly Solidarity brother. Yes

How's How's America? Oh, have you not been getting the news? Oh, right. Yeah, it hasn't it hasn't he hasn't come over yet You haven't gotten you haven't gotten those telegrams. It's not good Andy On this day in the year 1497 there was the bonfire of the vanities in Florence, the controversial priest Jura Lama Savaranova, set fire to, and I quote, shitloads of stuff that might tempt one to commit sin, including vanity related items such as mirrors and cosmetics, dresses, playing cards, tapestries, musical instruments, as well as books and works of art, which for our young listeners are ancient physical objects that people used to use before the invention of the mobile phone to convey ideas, images,

and expressions of the human soul. He destroyed works of Ovid, Dante, Barcachio, Hendrix, Gillenhall, Beno, Rehanna and Gretzky. And ironically, Savor and Oali himself caught on the wrong end of a bonfire. The following year hung from across the influence and set on fire and he must have chuckled to himself and apparently his final words were smells a bit like chicken I've always wondered and tussety is so overrated. So we're asking this week what would you set fire to today in an effort to clean up society from sin? Nation. I mean, could you set far to the whole of the internet? Is it, is that possible? How, how, I don't really know how you would even start with that. But certainly I think

setting far to the internet would be, because it is a, it is a whole mess of sin out there, Andy. Right. I don't know if you've tried googling porn recently there's a lot of it out there I'm too busy googling you and I know Harry what would you set far too today to make the world a happier place you know the answer to that Andy and if I say that answer the government will kill me in my family I'd set far to my own diesel car, possibly a counterproductive gesture. On Monday, 10th February, it will be the anniversary of the 10th February in 1355, when a riot took place in Oxford, the St. Scholastica day riot.

There was a disagreement in a pub, a couple of students complained about the quality of the wine, that dispute then spilled out into the streets, and three days later, 90 people had been killed. That is a proper British pub squabble. And the moral of the story is, do not live in the 14th century, it was f***ing nuts. And on the 10th of February 1840, Queen Victoria married Prince Albert. Oh, yeah. Happy anniversary. Yeah, and that's also the 11th of February was the anniversary of the invention of bunting, because that dates got an interesting historical story, the origin of bunting. It was, because it was a tradition then, off for a royal wedding that people would gather outside the windows of outside Buckingham Palace and look up at the matrimonial bedroom window to see just to applaud the holy deed. And there

was a much more formal time. So there was huge crowd gathered outside and they looked up and obviously, Queen Victoria, unusually for the time, very much in love with Albert and they had got quite enthusiastic, it must be said, on their conjugles. And there was just a load of, I think her Union Jack Braher and Panty's set, and his Union Jack posing pouch that he had especially made as a gesture of welcoming himself to the British nation. People looked up, saw these triangle bits of fabric hanging from the window and thought, oh that's how we're supposed to mark great national occasion. So ever since then we've been hanging up little bits of bunting. And it's lucky, isn't it? They didn't look on the other side of the room otherwise bunting today would involve

gimp masks which are very, very pretty. Why do you hate Britain, Andy? I don't hate it, Nish. I just want it back. As always, the section of the Eugull is going straight in the bin. This week, cartoon characters. It's the 80th anniversary of the first Tom and Jerry cartoon. Tom and Jerry were then performing under the pseudonyms of Jasper and Jinx. Before they finally came out as themselves subsequently. And so Jasper and Jinx never really been heard of again. But we look now in a special section, there have been other cartoon characters that have been left on the cutting room floor and have never made it to the mainstream as Tom and Jerry famously did. We look at the sadly never broadcast cartoon Horace the Hammer and

Suzy Sickle and Caesar and Chesa, that was a could have been a classic, if only they had the right release, time travelling, crime busting, cartoon romp in which the dead Roman leader Julius Caesar pairs up with Chesa, a novelty shapeshifting cheese who can change into any variety of cheese, depending on the situation to a stop the baddies taking over the universe, B, help Julius Caesar get the power of Rome back up to what it was, and see support the global dairy industry. That section in the bin. Amazing to think that all of those cartoon characters were consigned to history by individual documentaries presented by Harry Khandavari.

I was going to say it if you weren't. If any of you have cartoons that you have issues with, I am looking for a new project. I mean, is it a kind of commission on achievement of the application of the defending culture? No, no, it's by the 1500th death threat. That's how I know. It is a successful document, 1500. Wow. Wow, we've hit the mark.

Oh, the magic number, magic number. I pissed off just enough people. I don't know, I've never had an official death threat. I think I did have a, Oh, I'm not one up here right now. Thank you. I did after another baby see thing, have a kind of gently worded invitation to become dead,

but I don't think it would be described as a death threat. Top story this week. America. Well, Harry, you better say, you better say. It's been, I think what we can safely describe as one f*** of a week in America, your president, turns out, was innocence all along. After despite many people, and indeed the overwhelming weight of evidence suggesting otherwise, the impeachment case, a court case that will be known immutably in the annals of legal

history as bubble versus bubble, pitched the unwinnably water type prosecution against the completely threadbare defense and only one result was possible under the extraordinary way that America decided these things. How's the reaction in America? Not surprised at all actually. We all kind of knew that this was not going to happen. We also knew that watching the trial would be boring. We also knew that lots of money would be spent. So it's achieved all those goals. Right. Okay. And the one thing I will say is that it does bring to mind the old adage.

The truth will set you free or many, many, many lies. So it's nice to see that in action. There was certain elements, it's quite hard for us outside, isn't it, to understand the process in America. The one thing that really stood out for me was the Republicans not allowing witnesses to be called in a legal case that leads people to give evidence in the greatest democracy in the world that witnesses were not. I mean, we really changed it up. Yes, I mean, I guess, you know, for too long witnesses are being part of a... Yeah, let's just judge Judy this bitch. Just have one person, just randomly assigned a verdict based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever.

This is what happens when you leave things in the hands of Mitch McConnell, a man who looks like a mid transformation ninja turtle, and who has already promised from the beginning that he would not be an impartial witness. I'm really delivered on that. And I think many of us possibly were hoping that over the Christmas period, Mitch McConnell might be visited by three ghosts. But the reality is that even if Mitch McConnell was visited by three ghosts, they wouldn't cause him to change his behaviour, because he would consider them as they from the spirit realm to be immigrants and would immediately draw up papers for their deportation.

Actually, it's interesting that hauntings have come down in America since Trump took office. He built them all. You can't argue with the facts. Keep out the Mexicans. Keep out the spirit realm. I mean, it's a curious way of conducting this judicial process that I mean, essentially, because normally you expect to have an independent jury in a trouble. Obviously, what happened in this was that essentially the same people were

the defense lawyer, the jury, the judge, the stenographer, the clerk of the court, the witnesses who then didn't testify, the court reporter for the local rag and the defendant were basically just essentially one on the same person or basically identical. Yeah, it's the kind of legal shenanigans that even John Grisham would find implausible. I mean, if this was happening in another country, you could probably successfully apply for asylum in this one. So, all right, you say America is now a filed state. This seems to be a big marker, a sham trial of the president usually is an

indication of a failed state. I'm not, I mean, the military coup, whenever that happens, that's when we'll know for sure, but not yet. Trump said, I went through hell, unfairly, I did nothing wrong, and I guess as people who've gone through hell go, he didn't do anything wrong, he actually is clearly managed to hack out a pretty favourable deal with BL's above himself. There's an ancient saying in my culture that sprang to mind a little bit watching Trump this week and that saying is when you're sucking the devil's cock may he pin to you around. Which bit of the Torah was that? Oh, I've never said it was the tour. Sort of my culture. So a shameful day for the US Senate, Saddle is with Warren Asomba Day for the US Constitution

and a sad day for the United States of America, Bernie Sanders, said the evidence of Trump's guilt is so overwhelming that the Republican Party for the first time in the history of presidential impeachment obstructed testimony from witnesses. This will truly be remembered as a sad and dangerous moment in the history of our country. Trump himself reacted with dignified humility, conciliatory openness, and a heartfelt pledge to learn from his mistakes, plus a renewed commitment to uphold the true values of the, oh,

hang on, I wrote this before the verdict. Did that actually happen? He might not have gone through hell, but I don't know. Do you see the press conference where he sort of held up the Washington Post? Yes. Whoever is in charge of the spray tan overcooked it. Like genuinely look like, like it's, you know occasionally you see somebody has like

gone a little too hard on the orange and yesterday he looked like he was going to a costume party dressed as Justin Trudeau. That's all I'll say. I mean it does show how just totally and irreparably partisan politics in America has become, I guess maybe it's always been that way to an extent, but the fact that the voting in the impeachment trial that there was basically one vote against party lines, and that was Mitt Romney on one of the two charges. So, but essentially politics, I mean, is there any chance of any meaningful debate at all? No.

Right, okay, good job. Just the fact that Mitt Romney's getting this much credit is shocking because he had a unique method of taking all the evidence into account in making a decision based on said evidence instead of just making up his mind before the trial. And that is seen in America at this point as honorable and a rare act It seems generally politics in America particularly but really around the world and we've seen this in in the Brexit era of British politics is I'm all political discourse now is essentially like an argument between a Renaissance art expert

and a devotee of agricultural machinery interrupted occasionally by a tennis fan in which the dialogue goes along lines of, I'm telling you, it is impossible to overstate the influence of Giotto on the later evolution of higher Renaissance painting. Fuck you! The Massey Ferguson 390 is not only one of the most important

tractors ever produced, it is also one off, if not the best. What are you f***ing talking about you clattering numbscull? Peter Brogol the elder left a legacy of art that not only remains relevant today for its depiction of the human condition, but also constitutes a price of the insights into the everyday way of life of a long lost time. CUCK! YOU ARE A CUCK!

What is your problem with agricultural fertiliser? If it's used correctly, it actually benefits the environment overall. Guys, guys, cool it. Can we not at least agree that tennis seriously missed an opportunity to control the advance of racket technologies in the early 80s and the shift from Mackinar to Becker at Wimbledon through the 1980s marked the end of what we may broadly call primary era tennis.

Well, you can f*** off as well. If Caravaggio was here today, he'd paint you, and then he'd f***ing kill you. Well, you're both a pair of pillacks, the John Deer Combine 9870 STS would easily beat both Heronymous Bosch and Pam Schreiver in a who can harvest the most great in our competition. Fact owned, you've been owned. If you were a tennis fan of a particular era, that must have meant a lot of people in Jett would have been in jail for many years. The answer to which is yes, one of those people

would have been President Obama. If he had taken so much as a pen on his way out of the White House, the police would have had him face down on the lawn. The verdict in the impeachment trial followed the state of the Union address the annual jamboree of, well, I mean, presidential propaganda. And I mean, it showed once again Trump's unique ability to meld, bumbling incoherence with swaggering grandstanding. Actually, that's not unique if I may think briefly about our own prime minister. It was classic Trump trademark cocktail of half truth, world exaggerations and flagrant disinformation and including the extraordinary award to the conservative. What's the term for

Russian limbo? It's a technical term. Presidential Medal of Freedom was presented to Rush Limbo, who is now dying of cancer. And how, I mean, in terms of deliberate acts of divisiveness, this was, let's write up there, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, this is bad. This is very... Let's put this into perspective. Mother Teresa won a medal of freedom. A Philip Randolph, and now Rush Limbaugh.

That's like Charlie Brown getting elected into the NFL Hall of Fame. There's gonna be lots of disagreement on that. This is like a real honor. This isn't like the knighthood that you give out really, really now. What is that? You sing well.

You used to have to slay dragons. What is this? What is this? Well, I mean, in terms of the actual awarding of it, as well, there's not really a precedent for a president just stopping the state of the union to start handing out silverware, right? No, this is a talk show Element that he is incorporated into the state of the union

Because he also then had he had reunited a troop with the troops family Yes during in sort of mid-speech, which is a video genre of YouTube videos that kind of exists. And I mean, he's a shame he didn't use one of the many banisters for some skateboard files. That would have really, that would have really lined up with things up, but it just shows you, you know, James Cordenas, Carpool, Kariochi,

people need bits now, people need viral bits, even the state of the union is the ultimate late night talk show. And to his credit, Trump did bring out a very diverse range of human props. It's this three type of Trump speech, isn't there? Because there's this sort of type one, which is his rallies, where it feels like somebody's let a baby in charge of the volume control. So we just sort of screams, and then whispers, and then screams, and then whispers. And the entire structure of the speech seems to be that he printed it out, took all the punctuation out, put the punctuation in the

salt shaker, and then just sprinkled it liberally all over the entire thing. And the topics, there's really no form or structure to them, is mine sort of just floats around like a turd in a swimming pool, just causing problem here and then problem there. Then the second sub genre is him standing outside the White House talking to reporters, but somebody has left a tactical helicopter on. So he has to sort of shout over it,

so he can't really hear what he's saying, because there's no guarantee that at any point, he isn't going to say the N word or Threaten Delaware with a new period New period attack and then this is the third genre where it's considered important enough a speech that they force him to Read out the speech as it's written and not just sort of go off on one of his riffs But the problem is that when he's in category three of his speeches He doesn't really enjoy it like he thrives when he can just riff and he delivered the speech with all of the enthusiasm

of a hostage reading a list of demands. The russian limo thing is completely extraordinary, I mean, for those who are unaware of his over, he's a black belt provocateur described in his own words as the rusty knitting needle in the weeping either American social cohesion. I mean, he didn't say those words in that, but he's probably has said all of those words at some point in his life and I've put them in that order. He has been through his career, proudly racist, sexist, xenophobic, very much a hero in the RSX Plus community. An icon to those without a voice voice other than the myriad voices they have used listen to and agree with on a daily basis in the mass media But was this a strategic play by Trump?

He's renowned as a master of the B**** a behavioral arts Trump and he's he's put his opponent classic catch 22 situation with this because either You are railing against a dying cancer victim or you're sanctioning the origin of a total shit back There's no good way out of this is it But I mean come on you're not thinking about the positive side of it right we are all now a step closer to getting a metal of honor I seem so far away at one point it seemed impossible and now of now I feel like I could in fact I think I've already earned one Yeah, I mean I can't see you getting it This year

very much depends on how the other goes. Yeah, you're you're you're mentally free to me's no fember dependence Nancy Pelosi rather ostentatiously, tore up the speech as Trump ended and then said it was the courteous thing to do. But strategically, question again, they'll not look a little pet. Surely, just on over the top yawn or some bunny ears behind the head would have done the job, or maybe reading a copy of the US Constitution and laughing uproariously at the absurdity of it or just silently eating a live chicken would have got that message across. I mean, it can be furious later on if she goes to the toilet and has run out of toilet paper. She had plenty of good butt wiping father write there. But yeah, it is a sort of semi-pointless gesture.

But at the same time, what else is she supposed to do with it? Like, you're not supposed to keep it and frame it. Right. At some point, that was going in the recycling. Or if I'd been a leftist hippie there. I mean, why'd you hate America as well, bitch? I mean, she was in such a difficult position. She's sitting behind this man when he's saying

some of the worst things ever. She's putting on a smile as hard as she can. She swallowed so much blood biting her tongue. Like, she was talking to herself. If you pay attention, she was talking to herself. I'm not a lip reader, but I believe I read, you dirty mother fucker. I hate you.

You orange mother fucker. Oh my God. If only I had a sword. Also, she sat next to, and I'm gonna presume a fully erect Mike Pence. He's got any other comments? Yeah, Mike Pence is, you know, when everyone stood up to give innovation, Mike Pence had to be like, let me just, I need a minute.

I will say one thing about Pelosi's decision to rip up the speech. It's like, the media was criticizing her for breaching decorum. I think you allowed to criticize anybody for breaching decorum when Donald Trump is president. It's that particular, I feel like he just gave Rush Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom. I think she could rip up the speech

and not worry about tradition at this point. I mean, it's like Kim Kardashian accusing Meghan Markle of marrying someone just because they're rich and famous. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The great week for the Democrats, the Iowa caucuses, well have been chaotic to put it charitably. Iowa, of course, is what the America generally says to itself after checking its national debt. Iowa, and particularly after Trump's economic miracle. Hari, it was total chaos. It was an app malfunction and there was a cover-up, and then a trickle of results, some with errors all combined with a classically American,

uh, um, mathematically embeaffling, uh, system that, uh, sort of seems to bake injustice into every phase of the electoral process. And, um, the results at the Democrats have ended up looking shit and incompetent at just the moment they least needed to with Trump surfing high on his tsunami of exploitable bullshit headlines. It's more shocking because this is all Iowa has. Every four years, there is a presidential caucus and everyone cares about Iowa for several months. This is the only thing, every four years, they had four years and they still f**ked it up. Like they used an untested app called Shadow. Shed, the only thing worse is if it was called

Illuminappi. I did that, it was called Shatter. Oh no, he's looming at me. It's fucking great. Oh god. The upshot as the result was rather unclear. The neck and neck between Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders. Not so good for Joe Biden, who as Trump's impeachment verdict proved is actually a Ukrainian secret agent working to install a Guatemalan refugee as president in the White House. I think we can infer that. Let's just confirm that by putting it to an imaginary vote. 52 to 48.

Yes, he is definitely, definitely that. Pete Buttigieg announced that he won the caucus well before the result had fully come in. Like the corpacity of this man, to, to do, just to claim that. And also, not the most professional thing to do. You wait until you're sure. It's almost like he's an inexperienced mayor from a small midwestern town.

I absolutely love it. Dress for the job you want and then just say you have the job you want. How do people feel about Buttigieg there, hurry? It's very split. I feel like there are people who like Biden, but every time he's stunned, he's like, oh, he's going to die. All right, Buttigieg, I feel like that's kind of the move. He's gay, and I certainly, that would be huge step in this country if we had a gay president. But outside of that, a lot of his, you know, values outside of, like, certain social issues are horrendous, in my opinion. Well, not horrendous. I mean, not like Trump horrendous. They're more like, oh man, this is totally not going to get us back to where we were four years ago. At last. going to get us back to where we were four years ago. At last.

Yeah. I find it really upsetting that Iowa and New Hampshire have so much power in determining the candidates for president. Like these two small states help decide what happens to the future of the so-called leader of the free world, right? Like it's like if the world made decisions based on the whims of Portugal and the islanded nation of Kiribati. Shout out to Kiribati. There's not enough love for Kiribati. Not enough. Absolutely.

There'll be underwater. Would that not be a better system for the world, though, than really leaving it in the hands of America? I mean, to be fair, the system for the world, though, than really leaving it in the hands of America. I mean, to be fair, the last time the world took instruction from a small, seemingly geographically insignificant country, it ended very well for us. Sorry, not us, you, as has been made abundantly clear to me. Book news now, and Barnes & Noble has pulled a new series of, quote, culturally diverse classic book covers after receiving a, well, a welter of, of criticism. They launched diverse editions, which featured covers showing the main characters of classic books,

such as Moby Dick, as people of, of color. Understandably, this hasn't gone down universally well with, well, anyone really. I mean, it's different times. I mean, it's always been the case through history. I'm back in the day. There was a special version of the New Testament that came out that showed Jesus as a middle-class white guy, and that's f***ing flew off the shelf. flew off the shelf and the rest is history. I went, uh, Nish, have, um, have you ever been put off reading, you know, Jane Austen books because, you know, they weren't there because they're amazing. Because it's, because it's absolute honky-tale. I think it's one of her, one of her more obscure books, honky-tonabby, I think, was one of her, one of her, one of her more obscure books, honk it and abit, I think was one of her, one of her more obscure books. No, I'd listen, I think we've, you know, those of us who are people of colour who have grown up in

majority white countries have sort of got pretty used to reading about, you know, have got used to reading books that are written from a white perspective with largely white characters. And I mean, it just seems like the publishing industry will do anything except publish books by all sorts of colour. Well, that would be another way of going about it, wouldn't it, Row? You know, it would be nice just to have a book written by some Indian person and not have to look at as I'm currently doing on my screen and inexplicably black Frankenstein. It's very strange.

Also I mean, I'm not sure how empowering it is to sort of see a black person on the cover of Treasure Island rather than just commissioning some fucking people and trying to write some fucking books for stupid fucking children. Well, also, there's a level of absurdity. Like, like, do you want to be like me? But it's like, no, no, that didn't happen to us. Like the chances of Huckleberry Finn being an Asian boy in the 1800s is slim to none. It's just very rare you see something that you know is going to upset everyone. Finally something for you in the world together.

Actually, in a way, I've turned around on this entire thing. There's been too much cultural division, and at last we can racist and people of colour can get behind the fire that this is a stupid, f***ing idea. Sport now, Hori, it was the Super Bowl last weekend, a very, very exciting Super Bowl, Kansas City Chiefs coming back from 10 points down with only nine minutes to go to beat the San Francisco 49ers. And a half time show featuring Jennifer Lopez and Shakira. And as is becoming an annual tradition when I watch the Super Bowl, I watch the half-time show, and I think... Oh, it was a little bit shit.

And then, finally, everyone else absolutely f**king loved it. I'm starting to think I don't have my fingers on the pulse of modern culture. I've only seen the half-time show. I mean, Andy, what would you prefer the half-time show to be? Like, a... a a pokes concert? I can't really, I've got some blues, some acoustic blues. I think, I can't, Andy, I cannot imagine a halftime show where Robert Johnson comes out. Why not?

Play Crossroads. Then, then, then, then, Saturdays off stage. People want spectacle. Yeah. People want J-Lo and Shakira. Give the people what they want. Right, they don't want muddy waters and... Listen Andy, I like muddy waters as much as the next man. Right.

Unless the next man is you. But even I, in this specific instance, can see that having Jennifer Lopez is a more superbowly proposition. I just don't think the sport needs that extra level of Rasmus housing. Well, then you have not watched an American football game because I've never seen an American football match where I haven't thought this would be in life and by JLo's butt.

How was the game, Murray, apart? Apart from the gynauzbaugh shark. It was a weird experience just because like I was watching, like look at the chiefs, like they appropriate Native American culture and their fans make a racist like Tomahawk chop motion and make up a racist Native American chant. And so that's like very uncomfortable. So that made me feel kind of bad.

And also the other team, the team that the chiefs are playing were the 49ers, which are the team that used to be led by one Colin Kaepernick. And the whole time I felt guilty, like am I selling out Colin Kaepernick by watching this? And what made it harder was that my girlfriend sat on the couch with a blanket over her head and with headphones on, repeating,

I am not watching the Super Bowl because I stand with Colin Kaepernick and I stand for justice. So that was a little distracting. So I did feel terrible until the fourth quarter because damn, that was a good ending. Three touchdowns by Pat Mahomes turned it around. Does it make up for the, for the black listing of Colin Kaepernick? No, does it make up for years of racial injustice and police brutality? No Yeah, no

That was from all-round what I would describe as I concerned Paul's I think we should have half-time shows She's 50. Yes, she's always impressed me. 50. Her butt looks better than my face. Mal, I'm 34 years old. My face looks like a sorrow-addle ball sack.

That's racist niche. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. So after the Super Bowl, Trump had to check in.

So he tweeted that the Kansas City Chiefs made the great state of Kansas proud. And the problem is, though there is a Kansas City, Kansas, this, this team is actually from Kansas City, Missouri, which is actually the famous Kansas City, which to be fair is a common mistake for an American child to make. The thing is, Harry, he speaks to the Midwest. He doesn't know which bits of the Midwest. That's really big. He did it. But he speaks to the Midwest. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and sharing your pain. How condolences.

I mean, I think I've said this pretty much every time you've been on, but hopefully at some point we'll have you on the show at a time when you've got a lot to be excited and optimistic about. But I'm not sure it's happened yet since late 2016. What time do you think this is going to happen? Is this before or after New York is underwater? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha new material in cities that will not hurt my career. Um, well, if that is not a bluff, I doubt that one is. February 19th in Durham, North Carolina at Motorco Music Hall, February 20th in Savannah, Georgia at the hilariously named Victory North February 21st two shows at the

Secret Group Indianapolis Helium on March 10th the Taft in Cincinnati and March 11th. This one is tentative March 12th at the Paramount Ball Room in Oklahoma City is being moved from March 6th, but still tentative March 18th in Buffalo at the ninth ward at Bayville. Do I know what I'm getting myself into there? No, not at all. March 19th, Ithaca, New York, hangar theater, March 26th, Portland Maine in the Empire Comedy Club, March 27th at the music hall in Port Smith, New Hampshire and then bringing it to the big city April 1st in the space ballroom in Hamden, Connecticut. Hurry, are you gonna be driven to these gigs while you go Moltenson?

Oh my god Very few people will know that reference because it's from the green book So unless you like me or niche probably saw that on an airplane because nothing else was there Very funny joke. I like it. It was the Winner for most problematic film at last year's problematic film awards. And also best picture at the Oscars. Ha ha ha ha. Nish, thank you for Johnny's. No problem, mate.

Unusually, I have something to plant. Oh. February the 17th, if you're in London, I'm hosting a benefit for Fringe of Color, which is an organization that gets young, that black and minority ethnic people into Edinburgh Fringe shows, and is exactly the sort of shit I would be affiliated with. Ha ha ha ha. that gets young, that black and minority ethnic people into Edinburgh Fringe shows. And is exactly the sort of shit I would be affiliated with.

They're a great organisation, they do amazing work and we're fundraising for them. The bill is f***ing spectacular. Desiree Birch, Rosemar Feio, Ahia Shah, AKA my biological son, Sindhuvi and Keema Bob. It's gonna be a great old night of the Union Chapel, February the 17th. White people are allowed to buy tickets. I've seen some people saying, am I allowed to buy tickets? You are allowed to buy tickets. Are they allowed to actually go into the gig as well?

Yes, they do. We just want their money. See it as a form of reparations. Honkeys. Okay. Thank you very much for listening, Budalus. We will play you out with some lies about our premium voluntary subscribers. David Mees thinks the future of entertainment will almost certainly include a return to prominence for the slide projector. People have had enough of stuff that works really easily, says David, they want to get back to the irritating human reality of stuff being anointingly fiddly. Eric Woolly still cannot get over how weird eggs are and is fascinated by the rumor, as yet unsubstantiated he admits, that if you were to crack an egg on the moon, it would have scrambled by the time it hits the ground.

Neil Brooks points out that even if this were true, it would not apply if the egg in question were a peacock egg. Peacock eggs, according to legend and Buzz Aldrin's autobiography Neil has heard, are impossible to crack in space because the shell becomes rubbery and can only be popped, not cracked. John Woodcock overheard the George Michael's song, Careless Whisper, whilst out and about last week, and pundit on how a careless whisper really is quite unforgivable. If you're whispering in the first place, rails John, you're clearly aware of the need to take care of your words,

so whispering carelessly is doubly inane. Anita Benton thinks there may be no sadder species in all of nature than the curious house plant, other than perhaps the ambitious goldfish. John Millington had some explaining to do after being told to put kindling on the fire. He threw on his granny's Amazon Kindle e-reader, causing a minor explosion, and for some reason a burn market on the carpet in the shape of Charles Dickens snogging Jane Austen. Here endeth the lies. me the ghost of the bugle again and you can't find anyone to tell the recording of I've had a smoothie and a coffee and so I'm a bit of a retagy

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