The Bugle - Bugle 4141 - The Valentine's Day Special

Episode Date: February 16, 2020

Andy, Jena and Tiff talk about the news that is sweeping the nation this week leading with the viral Coronavirus virus, followed by American Politics, UK parliament shake ups, Aliens and not forgetting - as it is a Valentine’s Day special - discussions of a new medical cure for break ups. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bueglers! And welcome to issue 4,141 of the Buegl the World's only and arguably best audio newspaper for a visual world.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, as is self in the case these days, at least in 1974. And I'm in London. Not here with me this week is Chris. Instead of Chris, debuting in the producer's hammock this week is the Standing Chris, if you will, the Antichrist. Harriet, welcome to the Vueville, also joining me in London this week. No one, both of my guests are in Not London, to narrow it down from the many Not London's out there, they are in Los Angeles, where unless things have changed radically, it is A, sunny, B, breakfast time and C, ridiculous. So please be upstanding wherever you

listen to this. For Tiffany Stevenson and Jenna Friedman. Hello. Hi. We're just here because we thought the social isolation of LA would be safer during a time of a pandemic. We're in the hills when no one can find us. How is America coping with the impending death of humanity? Has it coping with something it can't shoot? It's a bad question. You could shoot coronavirus, it wouldn't be effective, but you can shoot anything.

I know, in Florida, they did set up a Facebook group to shoot Hurricane Irma. So I'm hoping that someone's going to suggest getting a microscope and goddamn it gladers get those tiny bastards. It's quite, we're being quietly terrified, I think, is, you know, I'm just watching the news from here and seeing that people are being quarantined in Shanghai, Shanghai is in lockdown. Apparently in some households one person is allowed out once a day, which is kind of like my dream to be honest. I did that yesterday because I had a hangover. But genuinely, apart from that, terrifying. We will touch on this more later in the show. We are recording on the 14th of February

and it's Bugle 41-41 and 10 years since Bugle 104 and today is the 410th day of last year and also 4,141 days since the 14th of October in the year 2008, which itself was 1,000 and four years after the year 1,000 and four. So lots of fours, lots of ones and a few zeros, not much else, read into that, what you will. It's a sign of something and I for one, see it as a full warning, that the world is going to end at some point in the next 414 billion years. It's the 14th of February, not just Valentine's Day,

but also today is no one eats a lone day and pet theft awareness week. So if an unexpected stranger burst into your house whilst you're about to snuggle up in front of the telephus and quality me time, holding a terrified-looking iguana in one hand and your next door neighbor's cat in the other and says, lizard for starter, mogey for main, I'll put the oven on. Well, don't be scared, they're just doing their bit for those two very good causes. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Today is also international book giving day. And to mark this we have the first drafts of some of the most famous first lines of novels from the history of literature. Many of the novels, of course, were edited before publication.

And here at the bugle we've managed to get access to the first drafts of some of the classic novels of history and for international book giving day, we're giving you the original first lines.. For example Charles Dickens' Tale of Two Cities, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, so on average it was kind of okay. From LP Hartley's The Go Between, the past is a different country and if you like it so much grandad why don't you fucking go back there with all the other oldies who had taken our jobs in the present. Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. It is a truth universal acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune is probably a bit of a dick. And Kafka's metamorphosis began originally, as Gregor Sampsa awoke one morning from uneasy

dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into Ian the Magic Sosage. Ian the Magic Sosage worked in the local hospital, and he could turn blood into ketchup and pus into mustard. Everyone loved Ian the Magic Sosage until one day a vegan came into the hospital with a herty leg. And J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit began in a hole in the ground, they lived a rabbi, an art bishop and an imam, strapping everyone. At Helm and Mervils, Moby Dick originally began, call me maybe. And George Orwell's 1984 began, it was a bright, cold day in April, and the clocks were striking 11, as Harold Lawood came running in a Trent Bridge cricket ground in Nottingham for his first delivery of the season. So that section

in the bin. Top story this week, well we've touched on already the virus that is sweeping the world. It has quite literally gone viral. The coronavirus has even come to London, if I know you've managed to escape before from this city, this best-selling, poxish city before the coronavirus got here. But it's here. We're always a bit late to the party with the global events these days. We're finally getting our piece of the coronavirus action We're the first London victim this week a Chinese national who'd recently arrived in Britain who popped herself to hospital in an Uber What's wrong with a black cab? What's the point of coming to London if you're not gonna do all the touristy stuff?

Like get a black cab to hospital with a potentially fatal illness. And I mean, there's a lot of excitement here because it's the coronavirus named due to its characteristic spikes that look like a crown. So it's a royal virus. So I think that's why it's getting so much media traction here. In Britain, speculation, is it gonna go on a nationwide tour?

Is it gonna cost the taxpayer a lot of money? But actually bringing more in revenue from medicine, surgical supplies, travel hotels, restaurants, where people have to visit ill relatives in hospital. And I mean, it's getting quite exciting, I think, I mean, the whole world here. And I mean, we touched on America.

There's an element here with the trade wars America's been enjoying with China. This is given a little bit of extra spice. Can I dampen your excitement, which is kind of my brand? Yes, okay, sure, yeah, absolutely. It's a good brand. It's actually like not the medical community or people that I've talked to say it's actually not that much worse than the flu, it just has like really aggressive PR. Right.

So that's why everybody's freaking out about it because it's like the new kid on the block, the Billy Eilish of infectious diseases and everybody is like really excited. But in a couple months, you're going to see that it's really just kind of like elevator music of infectious diseases and it really, it's bad for people who have weak and immune systems and elderly people and probably everybody who voted leave. But other than that it's really, it's pretty benign as in fact, it's like a bad cold. It's like the opposite of Jeffrey Epstein in that it actively wants to fuck old people. LAUGHTER

Family show, Tiff. Family show. The average age of victims is around 55. Most of those, you say, affected old people and often those with preexisting medical conditions are the ones worst affected. But the young have got off pretty much Scott Free. I mean, they don't know how good they've got it, the young, with no coronavirus, not having to, also, have to blame themselves for the environment, Brexit or Trump. They're not tainted by having existed in the 20th century.

This is another example of how skewed the world is in favour of the younger generations. About time, they stepped up to the plate and started getting ill with the rest of us. Well they will if they can get designer face masks I think that's the next, that will be the next thing. I'm wondering which brand is going to hop onto this first. Probably Dolce and Gabbana because they have a terrible PR track record. But apparently Fendi already do a disinfectant mask that you can buy in Harrods. Right.

I'm sure we'll, I'm sure I'm sure we'll get the interest from the, from the youth when it comes to fashion. That's bullshit actually everyone's interested in fashion. I'm interested in fashion. Jenna just looked. I'm actually not interested in fashion. It's interesting. There is a business opportunity here for the trendy face mask. I think, I've just read about one, a Diamontein-crusted $4,000 surgical face mask designed by Stella McCartney and Damien Hurst, modeled on the facial contours of Helen of Troy, but equipped with Bluetooth, at least Bluetooth, if you drink a raspberry slushy through it. So, yeah, there's an opportunity. Opportunity in everything. Sorry to just be this factual buzzkill,

but they don't actually fully work. The best way to not get coronavirus is to wash your hands and not lick your fingers. Okay, well that's, how do you monetize that? I was really a nightmare if you're trying to eat a bag of watsits. There is a Chinese disinfectant. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith actually, molecular deconstructed and you come out as a shit roll and den-wreck movie, which is quite a task. The Chinese government reactions have been, well, characteristically heavy-handed. They've rounded up people who are possibly sick or look like they might possibly get sick

at some point in the future. I think we need to give the Chinese government a bit of credit here because they've been practicing rounding up large groups of people for years, and that practice is now coming in very, very handy. Whereas, I mean, certainly here in Britain, we're not as well prepared. We haven't been rounding up millions of people from religious and ethnic minorities. Nearly the same scale. So how are we going to deal with having to round up virus victims? We'll probably just end up doing the British thing of shouting at them in the street, door being offensive graffiti on their homes and writing inflammatory newspaper comment pieces about them. But, well, Sean is really showing the way.

That, that'll work. Awesome to form an orderly queue. That would be very British. The official then Wu Han have had some criticism for seizing patients who've not yet tested positive for the virus and hurting them onto buses with no protective measures, thus risking infection from others and some of the people who dealt with it this way, their testimonies have gone up online one person wrote, I'm furious, I deliberately chose not to become a Chinese artist who avoid shit like this. Another said this is not the level of service I expect from an oppressive pseudo-communist superstate and another said this is not the Brexit I voted for. The discrediting of whistleblowers is pretty terrifying isn't

it? That seems to be happening at the moment. Sort of up there with victims of any kind of sexual assault or harassment. Like that's the level of discrediting. Believe whistleblowers I think is what I'm saying. The only 35-year-old who's died so far pretty much is like the one whistleblower, Dr. Lee, which makes me think it's kind of like an Epstein scenario, like maybe the government killed him and not coronavirus. I don't know, not to say Epstein was a whistleblower hero.

But, you know, you couldn't fur. Well, I think there were two YouTube sort of, or journalists, that have also got missing as well. Chen, Kishi, I think, and Fang Bin. So they've been doing videos and reporting from inside on social media, and now they've got missing. So that's all quite terrifying. That's probably more scary than the virus itself.

Oh yeah. Attempts to curb the information. It is really interesting how the authoritarian tactics seem deadlier than the virus. The only thing that's kind of funny is the videos of cats with masks. People thinking they're cats, I'm gonna get coronavirus because they have like a little mask on the cat's face.

It's cute, it's really, yeah. That's amazing, I'm just, a video of a cat can make any situation so much. If only they'd had that facility in the Battle of the Somme. I can just imagine how furious my cat would be if I put one of those on him. Or you know, you could just put your population on a cruise ship and just leave them floating. Horror movie, water.

I don't need more reasons to not go on a cruise. I'm a comic, I've already died on a cruise ship. I mean, comedically. So there's just these floating sort of corona petri- Petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- pet-ri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- petri- pet- petri- petri- petri- pet- petri- petri- petri- petri- pet- petri- petri- petri- pet-ri- petri- petri- pet- petri- petri- petri- petri- pet- petri- pet-ri- petri- pet- petri- pet-ri- pet- petri- pet- pet-ri- petri- pet-ri- petri- pet- pet-ri- pet- pet-ri- petri- pet- petri- pet-ri- pet- petri I mean crew, crew ships in quarantine is a section of the Muppets that never quite made it off the of the ideas board Quite a bit Pigs in space clearly got the go ahead which was a famous Muppetian experiment to see whether if a pig spent more than a lunar month in space It became kosher and the answer was yes, it does There's been some criticism of here in Britain that we are still... There's still about a hundred flights a day going between Britain and China,

when many other countries have completely closed off transport to and from China. But the thing is in Britain, we don't need to do that because I will explain this in our bugle coronavirus fact versus coronavirus myth section. Fact, Brexit has made Britain immune to the coronavirus. We are independent from all foreign viruses now, only native grown indigenous British diseases can kill people here. The coronavirus is banned.

Fact, you cannot contract coronavirus from listening to a podcast, even if everyone on the podcast has to. We can. Sharing a mic. Myth. Over 2 billion people died between 1968 and 2014. Are you seriously expecting us to believe that none of them died of coronavirus? Pull the other one. In fact, cruise ship passengers are more vulnerable to the coronavirus

because it disproportionately attacks cells containing the gene that makes people want to travel slowly on a long-sighted seeing holiday. Myth. Tom Cruise had coronavirus whilst filming a few good men in the early 1990s. Turns out, not true at all, just have the sniffles. Fact. You can contract coronavirus from a satanic ritual if that ritual involves slaying an infected bat and you're not wearing overalls or a devil mask. Fact. Coronavirus is racist. involved slaying an infected bat and you're not wearing overalls or a devil mask.

Fact! Coronavirus is racist. Fact! Many facts are also myths. Fact! Other groups immune to the coronavirus other than British people include popes, dolphins, snooker professionals, qualified mathematicians, Swiss bankers, acrobats, people who are already dead such as the ancient Babylonians and Mary Curie, and medieval executioners, ice hockey gold tenders and gimp's. That's very much a masked thing for those last three groups. And finally, myth, Donald Trump tried to get the Ukrainian Minister of Healthcare, Zoriana Skeletska, to order a vile of coronavirus to pour over Hunter Biden's breakfast cereal.

That did not happen. He's completely innocent. BELL RINGS that did not happen, he's completely innocent. . American news now, and well, I have two guests currently in America. The election is hotting up into, well frankly something that most of us would happily take a virus to avoid having to watch for the next 9 or 10 months. Tiff, Jenna Watts, what have been your highlights this week in American politics? o'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn ffyrddol yn f than what Roger Stone was initially sentenced to. So it's quite terrifying for democracy, I suppose. Former US Attorney General Eric Holder, who was Attorney General under Obama,

said that the conduct regarding the Roger Stone case had to quote, put at risk the perceived and real neutral enforcement of our laws and ultimately endanger the fabric of our democracy. Now, that fabric, the fabric of American democracy has seen better days. That fabric is like a zebra print picnic blanket that has just spent a year and a half in a lining closure. If you were to use the fabric of American democracy to make a three-piece suit and wear it to a job interview, your perspective new boss would say, we do have a suit you'd have arms and legs policy at this company.

And if you could go for the non-visible groin next time, that would be greatly appreciated. It still transmits smallpox, the fabric of America. Also, there was an article that just came out this week in GQ alleging, well, it wasn't alleging because it's actual case, like, documents. But Bloomberg's history of sexual harassment. He had 40 sexual harassment lawsuits over a couple decades or in the 90s.

And to have a sexual harassment lawsuit in the 90s is pretty much, it's pretty indicted because nobody reported shit then. So it's kind of an interesting ripple in the Bloomberg. Maybe it'll make him more popular with America, to be honest. If you want to beat Trump, you got to beat him at his own game. Well, that's it. Billionaire against, but two billionaires enter. One billionaire leaves. That is how this campaign could get for a... ...fundered dome. That's what people want from democracy. Well, I think Mike Bloomberg will take anyone's support as long as they take $150 because that was the news here in the past week or so that Bloomberg was reaching out to

Instagram influencers of which I believe we both are Jenna. I'm technically a micro influencer, which is a fine term if you're female. What I think is a guy micro influencer now influencer. So what defines a micro influencer? What is there is a certain level of follow followership you need? I think so. I think it's just being verified or having over 10,000 Instagram followers. Right.

So, but I know you love the Graham Andy and you're on it all the time. Oh, all the time. But I mean, I'm the... And those bikini shots of you. I always want to look my best. I think I'm a micro-influency and I have two children and I make them watch lots of sports. I'm happy with that level of micro-influency. Would you take 150 bucks to support Mike Bloomberg?

I don't know. I mean, if you can make it 200, I'll consider it, I think 150 is a bit on the cheap side to be honest for you know for brainwashing my children about the glories of the Bloomberg campaign, particularly if there's cricket on the tele, I'm not turning off the sport to promote Michael Bloomberg's campaign if that's what you're asking. As you say the case with this issue with William Barley Attorney General has been described by a former federal attorney as a crisis of credibility. Nobody knows whether decisions are being made based on the facts and the law or whether they are based on political

whim. That is obviously untrue. Everyone knows whether the decisions are made on facts or law or political whim and the answer to that multiple choice question is B, political whim. Everybody knows that. I mean, no one's pretending they're made by facts and law anymore. I mean, the American justices must have taken a bit of a pounding recently. What was that recent fairly significant very public high profile legal case being conducted in the very highest chambers of American politics by people with no legal expertise, obvious vested interest and without traditional legal sticks such as witnesses, evidence, facts, objectivity and

the actual law being applied. So you can see that law is having a bit of a rough ride at the moment on the other side of the pond. Yeah, no, our 2020 elections gonna go really well, everything's gonna work out and we're gonna be a democracy again. Just kidding, that's. The, so let's turn to the Democrats,

the latest round in the efforts to win the Golden Ticket Prize of being abused, belittled and battered by Donald Trump until a November and B the end of time. Bernie Sanders came out on top this week. I was reading about the Bernie or bust phenomenon in which many of Bernie Sanders' supporters, about a sixth of his supporters say they will not vote for any other Democrat candidate, if Bernie has not chosen as the Democratic presidential candidate. Only just over half, 53% said they would definitely vote for whoever is running for the Democrats. And given how close the last election was in 2016, which Donald Trump won with, I think, minus one or two percent of vote superiority

over Hillary Clinton. You'd think, do you not look at some point? You think back through other elections, George W. Bush, in 2000, and that vote being being slightly... I guess the one lesson we can learn from history is that people never, King learn lessons from history. Although I see it with the idea of not voting

for any Democrat against Trump, be like if you're building a new house in an area famous for having a large population of feral, human eating tigers, and you're having an argument over whether or not to have a green front door or an orange front door or a purple front door, and you really, really want a green front door,

but the front door company says, we're sorry, we're totally out of green front doors, you cannot have a green front door, and you really, really want a green front door, but the front door company says, we're sorry, we're totally out of green front doors. You cannot have a green front door. Do you A, get no front door, or B, get a front door that you're not totally happy with, even if you have a slight allergic reaction to purple and orange makes you feel grumpy. Get a f*** door! Get the door! No, they're like lighting their house on fire. Not even about the door. Just makes it you think, though. It is really scary.

On the bright side, though, another candidate is emerging. I don't know how much you guys know about Amy Klobuchar, but she's a moderate centrist who physically assaults her staff with office equipment, and I love her more and more every day. I think it's such a feminist gesture to support a woman who acts like a man. The clothes. Clothes. Yeah, but she's a centrist. I mean, a lot of people here who are not monsters will vote for any of the

Democrats. I think there's a larger conversation about people being radicalized online to vote against their own self-interest, which I think a lot of the Bernie or bus people do. I can't even talk about them online otherwise, I'll get attacked. I mean, you get that. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

I mean, I do think the way I do think Bernie and Corbyn are different, but I do think the way that the media talks about them is incredibly similar or the tactics used, which is to frat to the left Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn face over and over again. I mean, Andrew Yang's out of the race now, so there's no Yang gang anymore. How do you feel about Andrew Yang, Andy? Well, I'll be honest, I've not followed his candidacy hugely closely. I mean, it seems to describe himself as the Asian math guy. I don't know if he's gunning for a role in the Simpsons, if, you know, now Harry Condovoolo's campaign of destruction has led to the marginalization of Arbhoo. Are you happy now, Harry? If you're listening to this. But he's, I was intrigued by what he

said when he announced his departure from the race. Well, we did not win in this election, we're just getting started. This is the beginning. This moment is the future of American politics. And I admire the optimism in that. But I think the future of American politics is, frankly, people being absolute s**t to each other from now until the end of time, because it clearly worked.

Yeah, there is something interesting about one thing we've learned from Trump. It's to never apologize and just fake it till you make it. Like every single person's concession speech in Iowa, for example, was like, we want. How we are now. It's just if you just keep saying that you won, people will just believe you. I won the Edinburgh Fringe Award, by the way. I'd like to just announce that now.

In Iowa, Iowa, Iowa caucus. Did you have a judge Foodage edge, too. Do you guys... Oh, yes. So tell us a bit more about Pete... Do you hear that? Pete, foodage edge. Well, he used to work as an infectious disease biologist in a lab and he created coronavirus

to wipe out the competition. That's not a conspiracy theory. That's actually a conspiracy theory that's actually effect. It's really the only way he's going to rise to the top if he just biologically engineers everyone else out of the race. I just need to know who Nicholas Cage is going to support now, Andrew Yang's out the race because he was all in for Yang. He was fully Yang-Gang. I kind of like the Yang-Gang. I thought those guys were, I mean, I, you know, I'm wondering who they'll go to now. I feel like Bernie or Warren, that's a question. Yeah. Do you want to say who you personally... You like women or do you hate women?

Pick a lane, Yang-Gang. It's got advantage of having a surname that lends itself to a rhyme like that because I mean, Amy Clobish, I was going to really struggle. Clobbie? Yes, you need some pithy marketing, like some red hats maybe, with Make Mouth Great again on them. Hope Hicks is back in the White House, which I know is very exciting for everyone. Hope Hicks perfectly illiterated.

She's on the cheer squad squad and she's the one that secretly sabotages her teammates by greasing the gym floor. She's called Hope, but deep down, we know she's a Heather. It's very interesting that she's come back, well not that she's come back, but the timing of her return, because she initially quit, didn't she, under the scrutiny of law enforcement and admitting to the fact that she told the white lies. White quit, didn't she, under the scrutiny of law enforcement, and admitting to the fact that she told her why lies. White lies. Which is just, you know, racist lies for Trump. I don't know. That's a perfect phrase for it. Yeah. I told white lies. But this kind of, after the sort of acquittal, I feel like this is,

this is a renewed sense of of is it confidence or arrogance or something to bring her back into the fold at this point. The timing is quite interesting. Hope Hicks also, according to some historians, one word summaries of what the last two presidents of the USA represent. Brits politics news and there has been a cabinet reshuffle here Boris Johnson the prime minister but those words just still don't sound right and I don't think they'll sound right in 50 or a hundred years time either. Had a cabinet reshuffle in which unexpectedly his Chancellor of the Exchequer Sadie Javid resigned, stroke was sacked, did he jump, was he pushed, he pushed and then pretended he was jumping, I think was essentially how it went. And it's interesting, though, the way, I mean, it seems kind of chaotic and it seems to be a kind of fairly naked power

grab by Boris Johnson. It's interesting to see the politics of it because Theresa May failed at the general election in 2017 with a strong and stable message. by Boris Johnson. It's interesting to see the politics of it because Theresa May failed at the general election in 2017 with a strong and stable message. And Boris Johnson appears to be going for weakness and instability to try and shore up his new power base. Sadie Javid was the, at the shortest spell as Chancellor of the Exchequer for 50 years and the shortest without having unexpectedly died

since way way before that. And we now have a new chancellor, Rishi Sunak, who has less than a month to suddenly hack an entire budget together. I guess it's good to have a deadline also, Sac Julian Smith, the Northern Ireland Secretary, who had one widespread praise from all across Ireland, all across the UK for managing to get the disputed party talking Northern Ireland at the assembly back up and running and he was therefore sacked. By most measures, he'd been a raging success

and therefore he simply had to go, such as politics these days. The best thing you can do for your career is shut up and do a shit job. LAUGHTER I always think of these cabinet re-shuffles as less cabinet re-shuffles a more side-board full of shit. LAUGHTER

Did, er, did Javid even get to hold the red briefcase? Oh, I'm not, I'm not sure. I mean, cos that's gotta be gutting, cos that is what you go into politics for, isn't it? Those, there's something just gloriously old school I mean, because that's got to be gutting because that is what you go into politics for isn't it those There's something just gloriously old school about holding up a battered old red briefcase Yeah full of plans to destroy the poor Yeah, yeah, cuz inside it's just a hope crushing machine. It's not actually papers inside. It's just a very high-tech

hope-crusher and Why why is Michael Gove still described as de facto deputy prime minister? Michael Gove is a hundred percent that do that promises to look after your girlfriend Walsh your way and then tries to slip at the tongue and get slapped I'll take that. That's who he comes across as to me. And obviously he's been talking about Brexit and border checks. I don't know if you've seen this, Andy. But Brexit is going as smoothly as Jeff Norcock promised it would.

Yeah, I was thinking that. Bo Joe's like the type of guy that you have sex with and he's like, I'm not gonna come pull out totally works and then he comes inside you. But I didn't like that analogy because then you think about Boris Johnson and his list. It's family show. Family show. So Michael Gove has been saying border checks are inevitable now.

Which I mean, I suppose the upside is that we don't have to hear him repeating the phrase frictionless trade over and over like some kind of grotesque safe word. That's what... But the government has confirmed there'll be checks on food and goods of animal origin as well as customs declarations on imports and exports at the border. So, you know, it's basically ****, they said that, you know, it wouldn't affect, there wouldn't be a problem at borders for trade and everything else and now it's slowly unraveling. Well, I mean, the thing is we can't judge it yet, Tiff.

We've got to, we've got to let it play out for the two, three hundred years before we make these snap judgments on whether or not it's a good idea. I was comforted by the fact that when Theresa May, I don't know if you remember who she was, but when she, just the fact that she was diabetic, I felt like was, you know, cool to have somebody who would rely on insulin that's not made in the UK to kind of be in charge of that Brexit decision. And now it's just like, I don't know, how to serious question though, if you need insulin or something not made in the UK to survive, how are people doing?

How are people with diabetes doing over there? I guess it's too weak to tell us. The natural sweet sugar of freedom, that's all we need. What we're going to have to do for diabetics is what they do for bees in the summer, which is just leave like a little bowl of sugar water. Outside, outside your house. I thought you went and chased to them with tennis rackets. Shout out and get away from my f***ing b***ing. Kill them with cell phones.

Drown them in coleslaw. I mean, what they're saying now is that Boris Johnson is wanting to pursue an Australian style deal, which means no deal, because Australia don't have a free trade deal with the EU. It's late, everything on fire. Yeah, I mean, he, and what it kind of says ultimately is that Brexit is a political decision and not an economic one, you know, and the economic cost, even a

significant one, doesn't matter because of the mantra taking back control. And I think if Boris wanted to take back control, he should have just got a pair of spanks like everyone else. How do you know he doesn't have that? Yeah. So, I mean, we've got to put these border checks and stuff in place, but it's not going to be done by the end of the year. And so I feel like this is just going to be a shit storm. It's, you know, they were saying that in January, that's peak import season for things like fresh fruit and vegetables and customers are really going to see the problems on supermarket shelves unless the infrastructure is put in place.

But I mean, God knows how long this is all going to take. Well, he can't bring practicality into it now, Tiff. I mean, this was not a vote that had practicality at its heart. And, you know, it would be hypocritical now if, you know, A, having promised chaos from, you know, both sides. Then, if that chaos has now denied us. Right, so we should expect fights at the borders with fruits and vegetables involved.

Food fights. It was all in the manifesto, I'm pretty sure. I mean, I don't know what was in it. No one reads manifesto. It could easily have been in a manifesto. In article 50, there's an old section about food fights. Valentine's Day breakup News Now, and well since it's a Valentine's Day, Bugle, we're going to do a story on breakups.

A researcher in Canada has apparently found a way of editing your memories using therapy and beta blocker drugs to take the sting out of breakups. Now, I mean, this is really the kind of science that I can fully get behind, particularly here in Britain. We need this. We need this therapy and beta blockers for at least 16 million people, plus quite a lot more who weren't able to vote. Just pump it into the water system like they do with flooring. And you guys really need more meds to repress your emotion. Well, I mean, that's about to moment we're becoming, you know, we're looking to America

now as our touchstone and inspiration for this post Brexit new Britain. And to be honest, if we are not all absolutely dependent on expensive medication within 50 years, Brexit will have been a failure. Therapy and beta bloggers is fancy modern talk for two bottles of cheap whiskey and over-emotional blast on a karaoke machine and shouting at traffic on the way home about how you never loved them anyway before trying to make out with a post box. So this could change the way humans behave if you have pain-free breakups. Well, the research suggests in this story that about 70% of patients found relief with a few sessions of re-consolidation therapy, which I like, that it's called that.

Take all of your romantic pain and hurt over a lifetime and consolidate it into 12 easy monthly pain payments. Reading into it, it sounds like NLP, you know, neuro-linguistic programming with a drug addition on the side. And he says, memories in their neutral factual elements are saved in the brain's hippocampus. Yeah, I said that correctly. But the emotional tone of the memory is save somewhere else. So it says, imagine you're shooting a movie in the old fashioned way.

You have the image and the sound and there are two separate channels and when a person relives their traumatic memory, they experience both channels and then, oh this is pro-pennolo, pro-pennolo, da-da-da-da, helps target one channel, the emotional aspect of memory inhibiting its reconsolidation and suppressing the pain. So it's actually a drug going into minimise the pain and the PTSD of the experience. And I'm not saying PTSD lightly, they use it throughout the article. Yes, I guess in terms of, I have a great deal of experience with breakups, got up being with my wife since I was, what, 2021, 2022. But, you know,

if you can take, you know, a vial of this magic drug to a breakup, surely that, I mean, that's got a smooth things over, isn't it? Instead of a bunch of flowers, just a vial of the special beta blocker, Bingo. What are the side effects? Forgetting your mom's name. Of course, there are other ways to... I kind of... So, carry on. I don't know. I like feeling... I like the heartbreak that comes with a breakup.

You kind of lose 10 pounds. Never look better. Your comedy gets funnier. I wouldn't give that up for the world. Because there are other alternatives to what to do with a breakup. I never mentioned it. Pretend it never happened. So we in Britain what to do with a breakup. A, never mention it, pretend it never happened. So we in Britain tend to deal with any split, whether it's a relationship or the end of Empire. Option B, you hire a doppelganger of your lost beloved and pay them a retainer for the rest of your natural life.

C, option C, you record a seminal album about it or optional D, you commissioned a tarage in a hole. Admittedly that was a non-voluntary breakup when she ran off with a Mr. G Reaper. You can also sleep with their best friend. There are so many things you can do to get over a breakup. I would like this drug to remove the memory of a guy I once dated years ago who, whenever he said jazz,

went, hmm, nice. Like that bit from the far show. If I could just have that forever removed from my memory, that would, I would be very happy. Right, just selective. So you need, you need this drug to be honed down. So just remove selective parts of relationships. Yes, yeah, yeah, just all the bits

that I find very annoying. I mean, to be able to, if you apply this in a relationship, this could put all divorce lawyers out of relationships, you're still in. You just drug yourself. Like that one fight you had. I think the problem is is that, you know, I don't know how many men want this because I think women have better memories. We like, remember more stuff, loads more stuff.

Whereas, uh, or, or men have selective memories. a'r ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch y I'm quite lucky in that because I basically had no memory left by the time that I got together with my wife and it was just abs. My brain was absolutely full of sports trivia by that point. So I can know, I can't remember basically anything that's happened in our relationship and it's proved you're extremely happy and fruitful. Did you shout out cricket terms during the wedding ceremony? Please tell me you didn't do that Andy. Well I didn't shout them out loud, but you know, certainly, you know, singing them on the inside. ALEONS are talking to us news now, and some very exciting news. Astronomers have found radio signals from half a billion light years away. This, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cyfluminol, a'r cy of things that repeat themselves constantly. The births originated from a galaxy 500 million light years away, probably not aliens, MIT said in a statement. But I'm excited about it,

Andy. I'm pretty excited. Because at this point, aren't we hoping for intergalactic intervention? Yeah, I think we should welcome it. It's the most likely solution to the climate crisis, I think, certainly. Yeah, sweet relief from Brexit, coronavirus, failed impeachment, Pears Morgan. Also, in America, I am an alien of extraordinary ability, so I think I'll be all right. They'll take me as one of their own. Half a billion light years away, and I mean, also, you think radio. Who listens to radio these days? Surely, surely it's all about the podcast now.

And if they're listening to radio half a billion years ago, what are they up to now? The signals like too many, the signal blasting is like too many podcasts to stop with the podcast. Well, if you put another half billion years of evolution from the beginning of radio, then I imagine by now they've evolved the podcast genre so far that they can now describe,

investigate and solve all the crimes ever committed in history, and then produce them into one high-pitched tone lasting half a second, and that will be the logical end of all podcasting. I just I want them to invade Andy podcast or no podcast. That's what I want to happen. I like how you think they're already not here. The only explanation for the past three years is that the aliens have landed and that they all support Trump. I don't know if you've seen the movie they live, but it's I have. Yes.

What we're doing. Yeah. I need to start taking I need to start taking my sunglasses off or is it putting them on so I can see who the aliens are putting them on. Putting them on. Okay, I would I would like some cardations taken out by Cardassians. I would like a little green man making Trump bleed out of his eyes and his wherever and I want Boris Johnson levitating and being drained by a tripod. That is what I want Andy and I want it now. Well that brings us towards the end of this Valentine's Day bugle.

We've not really talked about the real St Valentine. We think of St Valentine's today as a third century Roman martyr and professional saint who dabbled in low grade poetry and was best known for crow-barring rhymes into half-baked ditties and would do frankly anything to get underneath a nuns' wimple. And certain publications such as the bugle have over the years disseminated false information on St Valentine, but we can tell you having actually checked online, there are some facts about him. He reputedly left a note to the daughter of his jailer on the day of his execution in the 3rd century AD. On the day of your execution, you're still trying, that's impressive, isn't

it? Still trying to woo as you face. I mean, he can't stop thinking about it for a second. That's, I guess, a typical man. Oh, did anyone else get a Valentine's card from their parents? Just wanted to ask. What, this year or in general in the past? Just general in the past. No, I never did actually, but I'm from a very British family. We keep all our emotions under wraps, even the fake ones. My mom sent me one and in it, she put happy Valentine's

love from question mark and then next to it, brackets mom. happy Valentine's love from question mark and then next to it brackets mom. Was that her way of saying she's not sure if she's your real mother? Maybe I hadn't thought about that. I'm going to spiral into an existential crisis now. Well that brings us to the end of this week's this week's bugle. Thank you very much for listening Jenna and Tiff thanks very much for for joining me from from Los Angeles Thank you for having us Andy There has been Oh thank you very much. There has been you have to say that anonymously

There has been brackets Jenna There has been brackets, Jenna. There has been a, what currently we described as awkward delay on the line for this episode. So for our new standing producer, Harriet, this is a, well, I've been an entertaining start. We will be off next week. I am on holiday, but there will be a sub-bugal featuring an episode of the last post and some classic bugle archival material then we'll be back in a fortnight. Thanks again for listening. Until next time, goodbye. you