The Bugle - Bugle 4144 - Mo' moons mo' problems

Episode Date: March 14, 2020

Andy, Tiff and Alice talk about Coronavirus, but more importantly they talk about new planets, periods and Sclooten Malvein.Listen to this then listen to The Last Post Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4144 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for a pestilent world. I am Zaltor, all curing God of health.

Sadly, I'm on a badly-time sabbatical. I've spent the last couple of decades in the all-too-human form of Andy's Ultimate. I'm in London, where danger stalks on every street, not danger cababs, sorry, people kind of danger. The virus has not shut down the bugle, nor this recording studio here at something else with its super hygienic virus proof microphones. They're totally safe on, Nickris. There's no way you could possibly transmit a virus through one of these things that has hundreds of different people talking into it every week.

Yes! They deliberately put a porous coating on top just to absorb and trap the most. Well, exactly. Because the foam bit of the microphone acts like a maze for the viruses. The viruses, as we know, they love to try and solve a puzzle,

that's why they keep mutating and very clever. The clever species, the virus, and they're going to be a bit excited by the phone, they've got a microphone, and they think, oh, this is a hell of a lot more fun than an nasal cavity, and then they get lost and trapped deep within the maze of the microphone, and they disappear into the microphone itself,

where they eventually degrade and are transformed into commercial radio jingles. Yeah. You're making me think that the virus is like Jack Nicholson at the end of the shining. It is. It's for any way. It's very much like that. Joining me in this still uncancelled recording, one of the few things that is still happening in this universe. Actually, I'm just hearing that tomorrow afternoon has been cancelled. I'm not having some safety safety grounds. You know, strips, skip straight from morning to evening. So midday tomorrow, things will just move to 6.30pm.

Joining me right now, and you guessed on the bugle, former World Chess Champion, Anatoli Cop, he's been cancelled as well. Just one week, it's the Brazilian football legend, Garenci, oh no, he died several decades ago. Bench time, into the breach of the emergency. Short notice, Alice Fraser and Tiff Stevenson. Hello. Hi.

Hi, has the world been cancelled because it's problematic? It does seem that way. The planet has been struggling for a while and I think it's probably the best for everyone if it just takes a 10-year sabbatical frankly. Maybe this is the opportunity we've been waiting for because really I don't know the planet's caught up with stuff since basically you know the day that God took off at the end of creation all those years ago, six thousand years ago now. This is the new dinosaur dying.

Well thanks for bringing me in at last notice I was going to spend the morning writing jokes for this hilarious podcast, but unfortunately I was working up with the news that the Melbourne International Comedy Festival is canceled. So my plans are in chaos. I have to decide whether I have to project whether the world is going to descend into absolute chaos in which case I should go back to Australia and be with my family or whether it's only going to descend into moderate chaos, which gets I can sort of hang out and London and take pot shots at scavengers from my window. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be going to America, but Broadway's gone dark, guys. Let's talk

about the real issues. Broadway's gone dark. And then I was going to go on to LA where they've cancelled gatherings of over 50 people. What's really great is seeing comedians originally it was 250. So what we've been seeing is a lot of American comedians showing off that they sell out 250 plus rooms by going, guys, my show's not happening, but the show's in the smaller room. So if there's still a way to make this whole thing about ego, we will find it. I mean, they shouldn't world the canceling gatherings of more than 50 people. They should bother cancelling gatherings of people over 50. Right.

Given that those are the highest risk demographics, you know, it should be old people should isolate themselves. They don't have problems with loneliness at all. We can just push them into the fringes of society where they belong. My parents who are both in their 70s just went out and ate a restaurant yesterday like they give zero f***s. And I think my plan later on this afternoon is to spend an hour teaching them how to do online food shop or order, how to order food online, after which I normally need about three hours of therapy when I do IT service. It's my parents, because it is painful. Just don't tell your mum about online porn that's a deep

well she won't come out on. We've had many wise pieces of advice on the Google over the years but maybe nothing quite is in sight for a segacious of that family show as we keep saying. As always, we will get more onto the virus later in the show as always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin, along with basically the entire world this week. This is very difficult, Alice, you know, at the news that Melbourne festivals been cancelled, I've just washed all the tube on the tube on the way here, England's cricket tour Sri Lanka has been called off. Devastating.

I mean, the thing is, you're allowed to do a full screen for a minute if you want. I'm doing that on the inside here, I thought I'd managed to restrain myself quite a fit, I'm not a niller for the better, the last 15 much it's John went to America actually. So I, I mean, there's got, I mean, there has to be, I think the key is, as a sports fan, a Formula One season suspended until, may that will make no difference to me. I'll just go and watch the traffic and outside and imagining going a lot quicker. You know, footballs off, but even ice hockey NHL is off, they're pretty league is off. I mean, if the Stresden Red Hawks charged to the National Ice Hockey League South division gets derailed by this virus, there will be riots

on the streets of South London. I'm telling you that free. Blades at dawn. Yeah, it's going to be horrific. But the problem is, for me, be over it, I could just sit and watch YouTube videos of sporting events from the past, but I generally know all the results that have ever happened. So it's that watching something without knowing what happened that's gonna miss it. The pain of omniscience, you and God, Andy, you and God. Pays an apology, neither us really exists. If God is everywhere, that means He watches poo.

He's watching us poop, and that means God is a pervert, sorry. I see. And if He's enjoying watching us poop. Yeah, He might be a proctologist. Or anyway. God, if God wants. In the bin this week, Oh, I'll hate.

What if God was up your bed? I'm sorry. Not sorry enough. Um, in the bin this week, a travel section, but not any travel section, a thinking about travel section We give you the load on all the trendiest travel destinations to think about going to all the hypothetical hotels that you might might be staying in and

You know all this wonderful journeys that you could have had were it not for this goddamn virus and We review gluten-malvane's new coronavirus pop-up non-brassory medible. A Thea restaurant, as Malvein calls it, non-existent restaurant, where for just $120 ahead, and of course no service for the non-existent staff, so that saves you a lot particularly if you're American. For that price, you'll receive an email telling you all about the meal that you might have experienced had the restaurant existed. The day call you could have enjoyed the wine list you might have peruse whilst thinking, how come one bottle cost that much before plumbing for the third cheap? It's not the second, it's a specialise out. Of course, the dazzlingly inventive

menu of unthought of Commessable Wonders to emerge from the mind of Malvain, the waiting staff that you might have had a surprisingly potent one evening crush on, and the fistfight you might have had to pick. And the fistfight you might have had with the prick on the table next to you or who sneezed without covering his snout or area. The star dish and the in the Thea restaurant tonight is rampantly cockled a fish in Ardo of Longestine served on a fresh counted 12 of sea-marinated seaweed strappled by gutless alarm of

Celebrecill can phobaging. Phobaging is for the non-vegan market, it's made of chicken. That section in the bin, we are recording this on the 13th. We are recording this on the 13th of March, which coincidentally is world blame someone else day. I think the president of America got on a day earlier on that one. And to mark this, blame someone else day. We're giving you free bugle scapegoats to blame for anything you like in the world, the virus, or any other issues, including the French literary celebrity Voltaire,

the Inca civilization, Egyptian cat goddess Bastet, and Pablo Chocfish, the retired non-existent Mexican wrestler. Also today's world sleep day, it's going very badly for me actually, as evidenced by the fact that I'm talking. And tomorrow, the 14th is, as we record, crowdfunding day and international Oscar question day. So the question we ask is, do you want to voluntarily subscribe to the bugle? Two bites at one stone. Go to the bugle website and click the donate button. Top story this week. The world is in spluttering meltdown.

Well, as we've already touched on it is it's affecting not ordinary people but comedians as well and I mean you wouldn't have thought that obviously we're immune to the virus because famously laughter is the best medicine so we have a natural immunity to all all diseases. It's true that laughter is the best medicine which explains why the world's biggest pharmaceutical companies have taken out patents on the gig or the snigger, the gafferle, the cackels and the right chuckle. They won't even let people in the world's less-amuse nations use cheaper generic laughs. So these are strange times. I found myself

just watching, just feeling sad all week. And just, just, Imagine unusual. Well, I mean, maybe it's just called my distractions of being ripped away from me, but I think it's shown the fragility of everything we base our entire world on the finances, the distractions, the delusions, the hopes, the assumed certainties and the basic necessities of existence

like food supplies, medical care and sports. The whole thing's just been shown to me, solid and immovable as an egg and a tumble dryer. The problem, as my dad often says, is that we evolved from fish. So, we haven't blown the fish yet. So our whole front to head area is moist. It has to be moist because we evolved from fish. So we've just carrying around our own little horrible breeding grounds in the front of our heads. What we need is an ex-step in evolution, I think, so that we just become dry and sanitary. Ah, dry and sanitary. There we go. I mean, that's a good answer for tampax, isn't it?

I hear the United Kingdom, there's a petition currently being debated in Parliament to temporarily change the country's name to the flu-nited kingdom so that people in the public can better understand the extent of the virus pandemic the undersecretary for disease Timothy hyphen ampersand said quote There's no problem. We British can't solve through the application of weakest piss wordplay He then listed his favorite song as Billy Eilish's, I'm the bad guy, but then he plays it while interrupting it loudly by saying, hi, the bad guy, I'm dad.

I think what's interesting is we've seen the reactions around the world and political actions that might have been considered a bit suspiciously lefty or too soft for the harsh realities of our great commercial planet or not really economically advantageous, like employment rights, healthcare, free-when-needed, and demanding and expecting social responsibility from big business. They've suddenly become accepted and mainstream almost. And why is that? Because the markets are collectively shitting themselves. So this is kind of an ironic circle of economic necessity. We've been pushed into leftism by a tiny little virus.

I think it's nice that people, you know, because there's two options here. One is that we all rush out to get the virus as quickly as possible. So it's over and done with in sort of an economically feasible time frame. And we haven't chosen to do that. We just decided to sort of try and protect

the weak members of our society, which I think is great. I think it sort of contradicted my initial impression of people, which is that they, you know, when you play a video game and there's non-player characters, I think most people walk around London thinking of everyone else as an NPC. LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah. Someone opened mouth's knees outside Tesco. Yeah, I was tweeting about this. I saw it from about 30 feet away and we can put in places as many measures as we like but we can't legislate for us s**t's. Yes, you are going to... So many things. It's going to open mouth sneeze and not bother to even cover their face. It's already affecting our lives particularly. We normally begin the bugle episode with the traditional round of open mouth hand kisses

And we've had to dispense with that for today, which I think is terrible sometimes we might even tongue. Yeah, you know tongues come out I mean, no one's podcast has changed You and I tiff will often just whisper secrets into one another's mouths like Toddlers. Yeah, yeah. That's basically what podcast stars actually. No one is immune from this Tom Hanks has got the virus. Coronavirus has gone full Hollywood. I can't believe it. Who's doing it's PR? I don't want to get Tom Hanks. That's got to be at least 100 million opening weekends, right? I can't believe he's got it, even though he spent that all that time on that island,

isolated from Yanni, his only company was his wife slash basketball, Miss Rita Wilson. I mean, if Tom Hanks can get it, anyone can get it, like ability is no protection. Well, you say that, top actors of course, better place the most to ride out the virus, because no matter how bad they've got it, they can

really convincingly pretend that they're fine. They just act their way out of it so even when they're spluttering their guts out calling for a priest and having flashbacks to the first time they felt betrayed in childhood they can just say they're fine. But it does show that the virus is no respect for a box office in the wall seat and. You know, if you can get a Hollywood superstar whose films have grossed around $10 billion, that sends a very worrying message to us all of our, it seems, attacks celebrities far more rapidly than, for example, the legal system. So I think, I was just saying they're in Australia,

they're in your home country, and they're worried that they've spread the virus because, like, contrary to a lot of very famous people they seem to be quite genuine and down to earth so they're a very leaky person. Well he's very leaky. They've actually... How do you know? She's his popsicle. So they interact with their fans big time accident or pun but Tom doesn't want to be a lady killer. You know, he's not going to catch me if you can. He's cast away in the burbs. It's a real drag net, something, something Apollo 13. That was a big effort. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done. number of other celebrities, prominent people, Sophie Gregor Trudeau, the wife of the Canadian

Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, the Arsenal Football Club Manager, Mikkel Arthett and the Dean Dohery's, the British Government Minister, the children's cartoon character, Yogi Bear and King Lear, the Shakespearean Superculture, contracted the virus after an infected drama student sneezed on a script. So, no one is safe. And as you say on the subject of acting, Broadway has been shut down. So my planned Broadway circus stand-up, satirical crossover show, Trapezi Targets is now on. There has been a slight change on that today. Some shows will be allowed to go ahead, but only if they guarantee not to draw a crowd. I'll probably be fine as well. Following shows are still on Ferris, the unstoppable-y-shitting dog, the musical.

Rat Rotikov, which is a Broadway transfer for the CD New York Peep Show involving mating rats who were in Lanzarie, made of cheese. A history of Turkmenistan, tennis, a stage extra of a gander. It's not a lot to build a show around with all due respect to Jahan Baira Movers, a centre number 568 in the ITF Junior Singles rankings back in 2014. You're a terrible person. It's a tough watch. The long slow death of Big Bird, truly harrowing for everyone, particularly Sesame Street fans, and snakes in a theatre, but the theatrical follow-up to the hit Samuel L Jackson movie snakes on a plane which has really

struggled at the box office, described by one unhappy punter as way too realistic. Travelling has been banned, so we had Donald Trump banning travel from EU member states, excluding the Republic of Ireland, and also excluding recent EU member states, the United Kingdom on the grounds that no one knows. On the grounds that he has golf courses on them. There we go. So that on those grounds. On the grounds that he has grounds there. On the grounds of his grounds, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I any speech he sounded vaguely reasonable or ill. I don't know which maybe both or maybe I've gone crazy at this point, but he seemed to

He seemed to kind of be quite calm and reasonable laying out the plans for what they were gonna do and that's I think You know that he's the president, so he's gonna speak on it But here we're just getting everyone pop up. We've got Farage popping up on News night Like giving his opinion on Corona, which in many ways is suitable because he is the physical embodiment, ugly parasitic, not just with self-isolating, but isolating an entire nation.

Yeah, yeah, on a bus. But like, those are the people I just don't need the takes from, you know the Facebook post that's a friend of a friend who works in a hospital that knows your uncle Bill. Bill. And his opinion, stop trying to panic me. Well Trump did seem to attempt to calm or worry about certain nation.

And in doing so, as you might expect from a cannibal in a care home at Sparks, widespread panic and stock market mayhem and the stock market. I mean, it's very hard really to understand this non-accommodation despite the fact that I'm a published economist. The funny thing is, any you are, but the stock market, like they coped up try-hards that they are, have absolutely shat themselves over the past week at the prospect of trouble times ahead, a bit of a pattern of behaviour emerging there, but still, as long as we keep leaving our entire economic system totally dependent on them, I'm sure, at some day, they'll crack it.

I heard the Dow James was low, but most Welshmen I know are depressed anyway. Boris Johnson also came out with his most serious, I mean this is an interesting because the world is full of kind of clown pseudo leaders who've accidentally got into power and they're now having to dig out some serious faces as politics has been dragged kicking and screaming from its comfort zone of deception and fantasy roleplaying into the irritating reality of pandemic pandemic pandemonium. And Boris Johnson warned Britain that people would lose their loved ones before their time, which is a bit disrespectful, I think, to the tens of thousands of British people who are still dying of other diseases, who Boris Johnson

obviously thinks about a fair innings and deserve to pop it. At least someone's had a fair innings, Andy. Yes. But Boris Johnson's face did really scream, this is the kind of serious shit that I did not sign up for. Well, Farage is quote tweeting Boris, calling him an ineffectual leader, spin great on Twitter, Katie Hopkins is quoting that tweet, telling Farage he's useless. So she's quoting a tweet of a tweet of a tweet, which is twatception, I. Well like watching three rats fighting a bin when the bin is on fire. Why am I watching it? It's probably it's probably a

good question but we're all just going to be on social media now relentlessly when we self-isolate. I'm looking forward to it deeply. It'll slam more. A-Parently did you know that a masturbation makes you help your immunity? So you, if you masturbate that you can ward off various diseases- Is this from the government? I don't know. It's the latest government. So a fascination is it? I think I don't think that Boris masturbates so much as has unprotected sex and just, you know, knocks women up around the country.

Yeah, but he's pretending they're not there. So is the saying. I, I, I just realized this is why teenage boys think they're invincible. Well, someone, someone responded to this news with a gif of like bears dancing saying boys when they hear the news. But that is to assume that girls don't masturbate and it's just it's just less obvious. You don't have the cracked socks when girls do it, but you do have like cuddly toys that have been decimated during two-neteen What a bath! Cuddly took like care bears turns out they really do care like and I don't know how aware

Men and boys are of the fact that teenage girls obviously. I mean, I've never heard of this Very British thing to me. I I talked about it at a show the other night and it got a big laugh of recognition from women in the room So Alice is trying to extricate. So maybe you used a book Alice. It's funny because it's true. Family show ending. Family show ending. Family show ending. Family show ending. But apparently it does boost your immune system. And I was doing shows in Manchester at the weekend that were like 500 people at the early show, 500 at the late show. so they must have all been wankers because they looked in root health.

Right. It pulled it straight up on the Richter scale. I mean, life expectancy back in the 14th century when such things were frowned upon was what, mid 20s, wasn't it? So obviously there's proof. Yeah, since life expectancy around the world has shot up since masturbation was discovered in I think it was 15 14 Was it before Christ or after? Well after. Well after. Because the Victorians used to if you were depressed as a woman They believed it was due to hysteria and you could go into the doctor and they'd free you off with a big vibrator

Which it like which is not fair? Now if I'm not well, I'm gonna get pro sack. I want to get you off with a big vibrator, which is not fair, because you know how? But yeah, now, if I'm not well, I'm gonna get pro-sac, I wanna get freaked off. It's not fair, that's one rare time that he's actually better back then. You're right. Well, I don't know how the works in America with health insurance, was it?

Oh, yeah. I don't think it was. If you go through your employer. You'd go. Yeah, we'd have to ask Andy, he's technically a boss. Oh no. That's me, Ron, shall we? And then made more uncomfortable by the very concept of sex, should not have two children.

LAUGHTER China, um, uh, used to have a declin- significantly declining rates of, uh, infection and has, uh, apparently opened up a robot hospital. Now this was- is clearly where the world is going, that I mean, human doctors, uh, notoriously still that a lot of people die. Whereas the robot doctor of course will be totally infallible at a robot home. Yeah there's six different kinds of robot doctors in this new hospital which is in Wuchang in Wuhan. They're going to do all the sort of dirty work which is nice, it's nice to take that out. And the whole hospital is equipped with 5G Wi-Fi so people can tweet from their deathbeds, which is handy. I'm super excited to see the new sitcom, the drama that's said in the new robot hospital

and it's going to be called ERR2D2. Just the romance, the drama, the complete lack of emotion. It's like house, but with robots. Yeah, you don't want to power cut. I would have thought in a hospital like that. All the fascinating thing about this hospital is that it was set up in less than a week, and the robots were donated by Chinese cloud robotics company Cloudmines, and the fact that they had enough robots on standby to set up a hospital in less than a week implies a

huge reserve of robots that is worrying to me. Yeah, I wouldn't trust any of them. You've seen those Boston tech videos, right? Yeah, the advanced robot dogs. Yeah, have a thousand robots, don't ask any questions. Yeah. Well, it does look increasingly like this planet is no longer viable. So attention, as always, turns to potential other worlds that we could live on.

And some very exciting news come through recently that astronomers have observed a distant planet called Wasp 76B, where it rains molten iron. I mean, that's not bad. If it's at least if it rains iron, iron won't rust in the rain. Good point. It'll just get more irony. I-I-I-I- starting on the bloody wind over 10,000 miles an hour again. I've got through six umbrellas this year

and it's not even the end of fucking March yet. If it's raining iron, that's fine. If it also rained vitamin B6, robaflavin, niacin, folic acid, vitamin D, I wouldn't need macaw flakes in the morning. I'll be very happy. It gives a bit of perspective on global warming as well because this planet

wasp76b daytime temperature of 2000. What position does he play? Sorry. He's one of the outside centres in one of the junior teams. The daytime temperature is 2,400 degrees Celsius. And here we are on earth getting our global nickers in a considerable twist about a didy little two or three degree rise. So yeah, sounds like it would be a good, good tourist hotspot.

I mean, literally a hotspot. A year on this planet is only 43 hours long, but a day lasts forever. It goes to the lazy-hotspanic, can't be bothered to rotate. But my last big plus, cause a 43 hour long year, means there would be an Olympics in earth terms once a week.

It's like having a toddler. Yeah, given that Olympics last over two weeks, that's, you know, permanent double Olympics. You would be so happy there, Andy. It would just be eternal sports. Oh, well, it's only, only summer Olympics. There's nothing for climate for John Sl for John's love. No coronavirus, it doesn't transmit when it gets hotter.

Of course, it's what people are relying on. And it's Christmas every day there, because it has days last forever. Right. So it's also Valentine's Day every day as well. It is, but the 70s glam rockers wizard who said they wished it could be Christmas every day. That wishes granted on WhatsApp 76p. And it's not quite, I imagine how they envisaged it. Dear Santa, thanks for the scale extra. Nice idea, sadly instantaneously vapor-os, can be 2,400 degree heat.

Any chance of a heat-resistant reindeer onesie, it's got to be functional at 2,500 Celsius. Thanks, PS. I suppose someone knows out the fucking question. I cannot imagine anything worse than Christmas every day. Who wants the drunkard vomiting into the kidney pool for eternity? Hostility over turkey. That's my kind of, that's my kind of day.

I'm into it. That sounds like one of the sandwiches you've been eating in L.A. LAUGHTER Sounds like a very hot planet. You could probably benefit from, you know, drinking some kind of liquid in a glass, maybe half full or something. I don't know, wrong in the first. Half a glass of molten iron. LAUGHTER Moon news now, Alice, you're the Bugles planetary satellite correspondent.

Yes, apparently we have got a new moon. We have a new moon that is rotating in the sky. You can't see it, it's about the size of a car. Elon Musk is already looking into sending a car there to park obnoxiously close to the new moon and play Grimes tracks as a tribute to the pending Grimes musk baby. I mean this can I can I mean I don't know philosophically yeah does it count as a moon if it's the size of a car. I mean I mean you have the hold an aster right that's the size of a star right but only if the star is the size of a car. It's getting very philosophical. I'm worried that two moons will mean more periods. That's my main concern about the two moons scenario. Extra tides more periods.

Yeah, more crying. 20, 20, 28 days more of, so every 14 days, every two weeks. You know, the more I dated you are, the more you are in tune with the moon. Oh really? Because the water in your body moves with the moon. The moon water. I was just doing some unrelated water related research for a different project. Don't worry about it Moon water does sound like a great fragrance for you to release though or a very bad euphemism for something else I mean Tiffany or, I am really bad at combat. I am really not in that sense by sentence. You have a great gravitation of Paul towards the gut.

I will do worry about this new micro-moon. We are going to have to rewrite history. Neil Armstrong was the first human on the larger of the two moons. You know, it's not just the first on the moon. The first on A moon. The first on one of our two moons. Now there's a race to get people to the tiny moon. To the tiny moon.

Yeah. Is it going to be moon two? If there's more than four of them, one of them is going to have to ride in the moon boot. Moon two Tokyo dress. What? Moon the sequel? But Buzz Aldrin still alive, isn't he? So I mean, this could be his chance. Could be his chance. Get off the silver medal step onto the gold. Fire him into space. Yeah. What a way to go. This week in Britain the new chance for the exchequer, Riffi Sunak, issued the government's first budget since the general election. And well it appears that after seeing off the

conservatives they've uncaused a hard left spend, spend, spend budget in a desperate effort to camouflage the ten years of devastation that they have inflicted on Britain, strange time, but very excitingly, particularly in the context of how this episode has gone, the government is planning to finally scrap the tampon tax, the tax on the luxuries that you ladies get to enjoy that us men aren't really allowed to use. Really? Where is it right now? I'm not even on the right. You're going to take full advantage of this. Well, like my price comes down, I might start buying them.

It does take some of the glamour out of it though. Before they were a luxury product, they were categorized as a luxury. It's just made you feel a bit special. But now, the chips, they, I don't believe they were luxury because then there would have been douching a banner with wings. But now, not the cheapest. I don't believe they were luxury because then there would have been douching a banner with wings. And I would, you know, imagine you're going into the toilets and you're like, what are you wearing?

Yeah, I've got a burberry. Got a burberry up there mate. Yeah, so we're scrapping the tampon tax, which was supposed to happen, I think about four years ago, five years ago, or they're... It seems late in itself because you were thought that it would happen as soon as anyone had noticed that it came into existence, but there was a bit of delay, as you said in the case. Well apparently this text is going to save every woman in Britain approximately 43 pounds a year,

which doesn't sound like a lot, but if you think about it as a whole part of the budget, there's also now been calls for the government to pay that money back, perhaps to something that would be nice for women, flowers or whatever women like. Film producers that aren't rapists. You could fund a whole film producer for a whole year, but we haven't gone actually, sorry, it depends on how much you've got on this, because I'll do to our Scottish Buffet okay we I don't think we've gone far enough because because actually in Scotland they've made sanitary products free in a

bid to tackle period poverty obviously because it's in Scotland I'm not the best person to explain this so so I have got Scottish boyfriend explains a hang period poverty. So the government has finally scrapped the tax on disposable menstrual products and it's about f***ing time. Going tampons luxury items then taxing them suggests that menstruating is a conscious decision based on self care, like going for a manicure. I pampering yourself, I thought I'd maybe spend a few days in pain shedding me uterine lining and then shove this cotton wool up my chaff and just chill out, you know?

Bit of me time. Again, Christ you're good to yourself, Hen. Administration isn't the choice and Denny forget, if it didn't happen none of us would even be here. So to be forced to pay for the privileges bad enough the only hang worse than having to pay for a bodily function is being taxed for it which is why it's great the tax has been scrapped but up in Scotland we've gone one step further in an effort to eradicate period poverty the Scottish government is to provide three menstrual products to women of all ages get it up yeah literally a cornacopia of clunge bullets of every The Scottish Government is to provide free, menstrual products to women of all ages.

Get it up, yeah, literally. A cornacopia of clunge bullets of every magnitude. That's to be free for all. No longer will women who are financially struggling have to improvise their funny ammo or shop with mumble clarts. I think you huge step forward. We are some sub-titles. I huge step forward. Hopefully the next step is the use of non-unimphemistic language that when describing the products. Sanitary products being a term is a problem

as it suggests a natural bodily function is unsanitary. Either call it the disposable menstrual product section or change the sign above the toilet aisle to horrible, unsanitary, big, smelly, shit-wiping paper that you wipe actual shit off your stick and ask all with aisle. I always find it shocking when people are disgusted. And this is for you, listener, if you are disgusted by the very discussion of sort of the user and lining or interior redecoration as I like to call it. You wore that shit as a hat for nine months, like calm down. Yeah, yeah.

Chill out, chill out. Hopefully pre-birth. Drinks news now, Alice, you're the Bugles energy and carbonated drinks, Coruscondent, some massive news from the energy drinks industry. Yes indeed, PepsiCo is planning to purchase rock star energy drinks for $3.85 billion. Pepsi, as you know, has been sinking into relative obscurity in most English-speaking countries since the Cola Wars of the 1690s or the 1960s or whenever they were fighting. But now Pepsi plans on taking back a chunk of market share by expanding into this energy drinks market. You might think caffeinated

drinks like Colors were already energy drinks. But I'm here to tell you that if you thought that you're an idiot. A f***ing idiot who doesn't know anything about anything. Rockstar energy drinks have more caffeine and more other sort of vibing chemicals and if you drink too many of them you smell like plastic. I know that from traveling in a car with Brendan Burns. If you drink enough energy drinks they'll give you heart palpitations. If you mix them with alcohol they'll keep you upright long after your self-preservation instinct would have rendered you too unconscious to make good bad decisions anymore.

Therefore, the primary choice for young people who don't have access to cocaine. They're a good stepping stone up to cocaine or down from cocaine because they're basically cocaine but with more sugar, unless someone has cut your cocaine with sugar, which is excitingly the original recipe for cola drinks. What fun. I mean, energy drinks, it's an extraordinary valuable market. They've filled the gap over the last 25, 30 years that used to be catered for by, for example, sleep, proper work-life balance and nutrition.

But the likes of red bull of stepped into that. Now, I was looking at, red bull of course, the energy drink made by vaporizing a live bull and then you put it out and condensing the dead creatures gaseous remains back into a liquid. That is not vegan friendly. Naturally carbonated of course because they only vaporize the outgoing or bubbly bulls. They've sold one million cans the year in 1987 or the late 80s early in their existence. Tadal long selling not that many until around about 1993 they started expanding internationally.

And what does that coincide with? The release of the Bon Jovi song I'll sleep when I'm dead. Also the end of our partite. Well, I mean, you know, it's always different ways of interpreting history. I live when I'm alive, and I sleep when I'm dead. And I'll be racist when I'm drunk. I said Bon Jovi, that was not an official lyric of that song. Now, Red Bull cells, 7.5 billion cans a year, clearly Bon Jovi spot.

You know, he's such an global influencer, Bon Jovi, that people thought, well, I can no longer need to sleep because my spiritual influencer, Bon Jovi, that people thought, well, I can no longer need to sleep because my spiritual guru, Bon Jovi, said there's time for that post-mortem. But interestingly, not only is energy rings gone up, but more people are dead now than at any point in human history. So you can read into that what you want. I think Bon Jovi was fine with it

because he's wanted dead or alive. Well, exactly. So for kind of like troding his cat. Yeah many many people have said that I don't like so that makes Richie Sam Borers. I'm gonna have Aristotle hedgehog or something Yes, Bon Jovi very famously is older brother Bon Bon Jovi the sweeter Jovi Coincidentally whilst energy drinks have gone up, mattress sales over the same period have collapsed by 98% that's a lie, but it does explain why mattress companies advertise on podcasts and energy drinks companies earn a range of major sports franchises and turn over billions of dollars a year. Bon Jovi has got a lot to answer for what that's all I'm saying.

You can't drink a mattress a day. My mum actually thought mattresside was death from being pushed off a bed and nearly strangled up. That is a very old joke of mine. That's a good joke. That's a good joke of mine. That may be fun. I'm interested in the fact that Coca-Cola was originally

sort of cocaine heavy in its recipe, because I just like to imagine all the gold rush era guys coax on talking about what nuggets they got that day and how they start going to business with each other because I got nugget you got nugget mum together we get lots of nuggets open up bank it's like a time travel it's such a good actor to you It's such a good activity. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Well, as discussed, not really much to plug, to be honest.

The Bugle show in Norwich on the 4th of April is currently still scheduled to go ahead. But whether that remains the case, I'm not sure. We will keep you updated via the Twitter feed and future podcasts. You can plug non live shows. I can plug my probably cancelled show on Sunday in New York and my probably cancelled Monday show. Or actually, I'm plugging my Vimeo, that's what I'm doing. I've got a special on Vimeo called Mad Man.

You can download it for a Fiverr and I think if you want to support performers and artists when this is happening, buy some merch, download their specials. I think I shared both of yours as well. Alice has one on Amazon. I'd forgotten what my did one to be honest. You're still available, isn't it? Yes, you won't go fast to strike. So you can fling a Fiverr to everyone virtually by buying those. Yes, I have a trilogy of podcasts available for free on podcasts. It's called The Alice Fraser Trilogy. My Amazon special of Savage, which has a solo show is coming out on the 19th of April on Amazon Prime. I also have the resistance up on Amazon Prime.

So that will be two for your Amazon Prime subscription. Or you can sign up to my patreon patreon.com slash Alice Fraser at the five dollar level and you'll get a ethos and the resistance which are two of my one hour specials for free with that subscription so not for free for two and a half pounds each. You can unsign at the end of the month if you want to be a **** about it. Thank you very much for listening to the Beagle. We'll be back next week even if I have to record it in my shared post. Also the last post. Oh, it's a last post. Yeah, let's plug that. That's a podcast. It happens every day. It's a podcast that's being done by another Alice Fraser,

but it appears in my email inbox every morning and I put it up to take credit for her work. So do we know where it's coming from? It's presumably a parallel dimension that's quite close to our own. Okay, so just one sort of diverged. I'm occasionally sending our emails because obviously I'd prefer to have where it's coming from. It's a presumably parallel dimension that's quite close to our own, but that's just one sort of diverged. I'm occasionally sending our emails because obviously I'd prefer to have her permission to put up this content given that we have a very similar voice and I'm taking credit for everything that she does. It's very similar to the plot of Carl Sagan's contact. Just saying guys. We will be back next week even if it's me and a shed talking to myself, putting on a silly voice, pretending to be my own co-host, the view goal.

We'll outdo this virus. We can't catch it through headphones. Remember that view, Gleis. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Thank you.