The Bugle - Bugle 4145 - Are we key workers?

Episode Date: March 20, 2020

Andy is with Nish and Tom to talk about, er, you know what.Plus we dig up some buried news from the week.And please, please, listen to The Last Post: http://pod.link/TheLastPost Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugglers, and welcome to issue 4,145 of the Bugle. It's the 20th of March in the year 1CV from 2020 in Old Money. I am Andy Zoltzmann.

The Bugle this week comes to you from Not the Recording Studio, where we usually record, but from within my virus proofs yet I am huddling in my World War II Andersen shelter. I'm surrounded by a 15-meter wide moat, apologies to the next door neighbours and indeed to the rest of my family who are currently standing next-deep in water, what was I living in? But, virus is can't swim, so a moat is a very good mechanism against the current World Health Organization vices, of course just a six-metre moat, but I want to be on the safe side. And please, if you're doing this at home, as the old castle designer Mantra goes, don't forget your drawbridge. Joining me by the wonders of the internet, from the other side of the planet, Tom Ballard. Hello Andy! Hello Buglands! If I could just plug my Edinburgh dates, that'd be great. The show's called

Grand Delaclet. It's on at 9 p.m. with the Monkey Barrel. It's a nice and close space. It's about 100 people. Should be a really great show. Tickets are on sale now, so please get involved and snap them up before they all go. What year? 2020 of course! Why? What have you heard? And joining me from about two miles up the road in South London. Which is as close as I ever want to physically be to.

It's Nish Kumar. Hello Adi, hello Tom. Hello, Bughlers. Yep, we are in the bunkers. Yeah, also joining us from his attic, it's Chris, hello Chris. Good morning and good evening everybody, I hope you're well. Right, I mean, what wondrous technology to have a four cornercornerd podcast in this age of devastation. It's great to know that essential workers are still able to do their jobs, Andy. And I'm talking emergency services, I'm talking delivery drivers, and I'm talking podcasters.

Well, we are the oil that lubricates the wheels of history. Exactly. That is what I'm going to tell my children's school when I turn up on Monday with my kids saying I'm essential to the functioning of the economy. Apologies, but the quality of the writing this week is a little below normal levels. As you know, my script is written by an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of papyrus scrolls and a special infinitely big aircraft and primate hangar but due to current coronavirus distancing advice those monkeys are having to sit two meters apart rather than 40 centimeters

apart so I have a smaller talent pool of just 20% of an infinite number of monkeys. We are recording on the 20th of March on this day in the year, who am I kidding, not a history count, but I might have thought delved into anyway. In the year 235, on this day, Maximina's Thrax became Roman Emperor, the first Emperor to be named after a sexually transmitted disease, Thrax was swiftly followed in the year 251 by Trebonianus Gallus, a very painful condition, and in 275 by Alpia Severina and Florianus, and of course later in the year 332 by Pillarba virus, of course, terrific Emperor. On this day in 43 BC, the birth of the Roman poet, Ovid, although his full name was a ronavirus. And that is the second and final of my Ovid jokes.

That I will be doing. I'm worried that this isolation is going to drive your references to new heights of obscurity. Well, it's quite... Well, that is... Obviously, I did do a degree that encompass Latin literature but that is the last of it, Gagger promise. One was plenty, two was Virgil on the ridiculous um, it, oh, please.

The panel are suffering enough, let the puns die with the elderly, please. I have to say Tom, I'm actually reassured by this. It's a sign that the British day is still functioning. That at-disaltsman is still making puns based on his largely useless degree. Yeah, I mean the whole thing is turning into a horis story. But, you know, the ancient... Oh! ...had big diseases too, so we can learn from them. They could tell us a lot about how to deal with it.

And it sounds like we're pretty close to martial law being imposed. I digress Monday will be the 23rd of March on which day in the year 1775 Patrick Henry delivered his famous speech give me liberty or give me death in the St. John's Episcopal Church in Richmond of Virginia. That is now being updated under coronavirus restrictions to give me liberty and I might give other people death, or my version, give me liberty or give me televised sport. I can live without one or the other, but I can't live without both. As long as the one or the other, his televised love sport. Andy, I released the virus. It was me to stop cricket. It was me, it was me the whole time, and I don't regret it at all. It was all me. Right.

Ballard, all joking aside, if it turns out this was you, but it was to stop cricket, Andy will... Yeah, I can't argue with it. If you can get to me and you can't, there's a travel van, we've just closed all borders in Australia. Good luck mother fuckers. I'll get away with it on grounds of diminished responsibility on the grounds that I've conducted my entire adult life with diminished responsibility. As always. How are you coping without sport and deed? Mish.

Actually, one of the first two things I thought when I heard about the isolation were oh my god I hope my elderly grandmother is okay, and then I thought oh my god I hope my other elderly grandmother aka and his old Okay without cricket Well look it's I'm not I'm thinking of signing up a volunteer service where I deliver old DVDs of previous cricket world cups. Right. Devonrable pensioners and Andy.

Nish, I already have those DVDs. Yeah. Thanks people to paint. It's, it's, it's, there's only so many imaginary test matches between the 1932, 33 England side and the 1980s West Indians that you can play before it starts to really hit home what you're missing. Anyway, as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a culture section. Now, the coronavirus has had a truly devastating impact on culture,

in particular, as we all know, freelance comedians, the lives and livelihoods of many of our friends and colleagues in a creative and performance world are currently in a state of total collapse, the venues that host us, and their staff. But it's not all bad because on the plus side, alongside the cancellation of so many small, medium, large and massive gigs and festivals, including, regrettably, the bugle live show in Norwich, which is no longer happening, but on the plus side, alongside the really great things that aren't happening, some really shit things are also now not

going to be performed. So, here's special things we will not be missing section that have now been cancelled, including Pence sings Cobain, the scheduled 50 date Vegas residency for the vice president with this Christianityused reinterpretations of the hits of Nirvana. Go the musical, that's off. The new stand-up show, and the hit outright character act provocateur, No offense, entitled Melt on My Ball Snowflakes. Mr. Fence has pledged to an online version of the show where he's Skype call sensitive millennials and tells them everything they think is wrong. Exhibitions are off. The art of the ballcock, that's off. An exhibition chart in the evolution of the design of toilet ballcocks. I assume that's what it is anyway. Although looking again, the exhibition catalog has an extreme close-up of Michael Angelo, I think I've got that one wrong. And the love guru too, off.

And... And... Which I'm obviously furious about, because I'd actually been tapped up to star in the last game too. Oh no! No! Though going in a more ethically authentic direction

for the sequel. Yeah. Also in the bin, a special supplement, Symptoms of CVRH, which is coronavirus-related hyperchondria, including, because I think a lot of us are suffering from this, including feeling a slight twinge in the knee or hamstring and thinking, was that on the list of symptoms? Not sleeping very well, also on the list of coronavirus-related hyperchondria symptoms. Standing in a food shop, thinking, have I got enough pasta to last the week,

and then buying 56 cans of chickpeas, a 20-year-to-canister of elderflower cordial, 200 copies of the financial time, so you can wipe your backside and satirize the global economy simultaneously, a rubber dinghy, just in case, 10 more cans of chickpeas and a pump-action water pistol. And also, another symptom of the hyper-conjury

is hearing someone slightly cough on public transport, then leaping to your feet, pointing at them and screaming, die in for the old die. Um, those sections in the bin. Um, top story this week, um, the, uh, impending cancellation of the County Championship critics is, um, clearly the virus is, virus is, well as we've said, wreaking all manner of different levels of devastation around the world. It is so far officially infected less than a half of a hundredth of a percent of the world's population,

but it has affected the entire hive mind of humanity, which has been shuttered to its foundations. The global economy has panic-bought toilet roll and then shatter its pants before it could even get to the can. Fair play to this virus. It's a maverick but it is getting some serious results. Nish, Tom, how are you coping with these unprecedented times? Oh God, I remember Brexit everybody, remember that? Remember how we thought Brexit was gonna be what this is now, that was good times.

I'm not too worried, I'm gay, so I have heaps of diseases and my people invented gonorrhea, my asshole is ground zero. So some people like Andy Soltzlin often decryonises disgusting. Well I'll thank you to not play much on this podcast. Your t-shirts to say my asshole is ground zero. We all know are available on your website but let's try to come with the satellite. Not plugging anything with this social distancing. I'll tell you

that much. But I'm furious. Oh my gosh. I'm furious, Andy. I've been saying for years. If we were allowed to eat bats as children, none of this would have happened. But the PC and Annie's state were always telling us, no, no, wash your hands, don't eat the head off bats,

and now look at the situation. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. Yep. Well, it's, you know, that's the typical PC brigade, isn't it? Not eating bats. He said it. And Nish, how has your existence changed?

Well, Andy, I'm housebound, and I'm... To be completely honest with you, if I wasn't watching the news, there is a good chance I wouldn't have noticed that this was happening. Because, certainly like you too, I'm a self chance I wouldn't have noticed that this was happening. Certainly like you too, I'm a self-employed stand-up comedian and it's not been the lifestyle adjustment it has for many people. Most of us spend most of our days making a sandwich to interrupt our daily schedule of rigorous masturbation. So I mean, if anything, the switch has been for people like Chris who actually have jobs to go to. I have been experimenting due to the fact that there are a lot of restaurants around me are closing.

I've been experimenting with this thing. I think it's a Swedish art form called a cuckoo. I think that's an um-lout over the you. It's sort of like you set a restaurant up essentially in your own kitchen and prepare the food Yourself right and then serve it yourself. You can do a character over white stuff as I have been doing Hello, Nick. Good. Nice to see you. Look it's there's nothing else really going on in the world at the moment I mean I did read this morning that apparently today as we we record the 20th of March, is the International Day of Happiness.

And let me speak for the entire population of the world when I tell that title to go ram itself. The primary concern is none of us in the UK are officially under any sort of, we're not under any sort of lockdown officially in the United Kingdom. And that's for one reason. And that reason is our government is a f***ing waste of f***ing space. But we are being strongly encouraged to not leave our homes. And it's been, look, this is a global pandemic.

And there's no precedent for this. Really, we have to reach back to the Spanish flu century ago for any sort of precedent. And what you want at this time is sound leadership. What you need is a steady hand on the tiller. Unfortunately in this country we have Boris Johnson and every one of his now daily press briefings he has looked like a baby that's been throwing the deep end of a swimming pool, or indeed me during any sense. And that is wildly, wildly of his death. Well, Nisha, I mean, I think that's a little bit harsh.

I think Boris Johnson has done a pretty good job, albeit only on the scale of how the worst possible prime minister you could possibly have at a time like this do his job? I feel like we're trapped in a philosophy experiment Like I feel like we're all in some sort of weird hypothetical scenario being posed by some crazy Lecturer about what would happen if you left the least qualified man in charge of the worst possible scenario.

And especially with his counterpart in America, it really is like, I mean, it's like your house has sprung a catastrophic leak and you call for the Mario brothers and end up with Dumb and Dumber. I think he's been doing okay in his daily press conference. Johnson said, we've always said, we're going to do the right measures at the right time, which is better than doing the right measures at the wrong time, the wrong measures at the right time, or doing anything that Italy did at any time. So you're ahead of that. And at a cabinet meeting earlier, he said, we are engaged in a war against the disease

which we have to win. Now just a quick tally on the UK's track record of wars in the 21st century, Andy. Let's count them up. Warren, Afghanistan recently ended in a truce with the Taliban, so I'd say that's a loss. I would do. I would do.

I would say a bubble. The war on terror generally, not so great. The war on Christmas has been going quite well. Christmas may be canceled this year. I feel like that a lot of that credit needs to go to coronavirus. So I suppose the enemy of my enemy is my friend. I'm going to call that a draw. Still not looking that great.

Yeah. Well, when War is the interesting angle on this, it's been been described in very military term. But what does War mean? Essentially, what War means is subsequent subsequent films and there are going to be some they're going to have through some classic Hollywood rewritings of history to make this more visually appealing as US Marines hunt down giant flesh-eating virus monsters through the mountains of Iran.

It's not and saving private Ryan culminates in them finding Matt Damon in the middle of a coughing fit somewhere in normally. The government's response here, as you said, niches, slightly curious, basically told everyone in London, don't go to pubs, restaurants, bars and clubs, but also saying to the bars, restaurant, bars and clubs, don't worry guys, you can stay open. You can stay open. It'll make no difference to you apart from the total lack of customers. But just use imaginary customers, it'd just be the same. All you need to do is pretend your customers are there, serve them their food, you can even pep up your menu with some stuff that real people wouldn't order, but, you know, imaginary people might, and then just pretend that they've left all their food

as wasteful millennials and then run out of the restaurant without paying. I mean, it's not really that different, is it? Yeah, well that's absolutely right. The government has encouraged people to not go to bars and restaurants, but not tell the bars and restaurants they have to close. The government has encouraged everyone that is able to work from home or can stay at home to not go into work, but it hasn't provided any sort of financial subsidy, something like a service to provide money to people to that they can pay their rent or something akin to a universal basic income. And the reason it hasn't done that Andy is both of those things would be communism. And I did not personally dick slap adult here today for this country to fall victim to come I would

rather die of coronavirus than have anything approaching a vaguely sensible or compassionate economic system in place. Guys guys I'm just sorry sorry Andy I've just got a bit of breaking news here word has just come through that all four of Charlie from Charlie in the Chocco Factory's grandparents

have been confirmed deceased from coronavirus. They were discussingly irresponsible. They refused to leave that bed and not practice social distancing. The entire Chocco Factory has had to be put into quarantine and many umpilumpers are facing deportation. So that's just an update I've received. Sounds like it's pretty grim news over

this. Some further breaking news Wednesdays and Thursdays are to merge for the next three months released. The world truly is changing, changing by the minute. I mean it is, I should say apologies if you're one of the million or so people who've died in the past week from non-coronavirus causes, but we are focusing on corroding because it is proving to be, frankly, a right old ****, that's a good thing. Now we've seen industries that have viscerated livelihoods, careers, hopes, certainty, even beloved exams are abruptly snatched away from people.

And the virus itself is still really refusing to negotiate. It remains unclear what its demands are, whether we can reach some kind of treaty arrangement while we have with other diseases whereby they're still allowed to afflict humanity, but with certain restrictions to facilitate the smooth running of our world-renowned planet. So, and the social side effects it's led to, as always happens, vigilante attacks on innocent unrelated bacteria who are really copying it from association with the device. And in Britain, the schools are shutting down. Today is the last day of school. As we record my children are enjoying their last day of school for X months, where X is an azia undefined number between one and a million. We're seeing retired

medical professionals coax back to so the hospitals and the care homes of the government whispering in there is go an old time a one more shot at the big time. So home schooling, I've got to start home schooling on Monday. Now you guys are both met at least and you I think both met my children. Now, you guys are both mentally, and I think both met my children. I'm not up to this. I'm absolutely not up to this in any way. I've started playing. I think we might have told the story before, but the only single piece of information I've ever seen you technically

in part onto your children was that time in Edinburgh when we did a live bugle and your son was in the audience. And and afterwards he came up to both of us and said, ah, now I know I want to stay with him. And then he left a pause for dramatic intent and then said, oh that's so your children are about to get a very interesting education in what I imagine will be a variety of creative obscenities, Adam's scared cricket stats. I'm not worried about your children, I'm worried about you Ernie, I think you're going to be bullied relentlessly. I'm, it's, I've caught about an eight week module on the history of test cricket 1877-1899, but, but then what, I'm sure many beings will be in the same position, I've, I've talked about eight week module on the history of test cricket 1877 to 1899, but

I'm sure many beings have been in the same position. I've talked about some essay titles that you could set for your children, including why were schools invented? Please explore the dangers to family relationships have been cooped up inside your own house telling your children how the world works. Also, this essay in the light of the coronavirus outbreak outline the reasons that as a species humanity left its entire social structure health systems and economic stability, epically vulnerable to a sudden outbreak of a medium-level disease. And what a curriculum for teenagers, see my daughter's entering, I was just ended her teenage years including advanced slouching, uncommunication skills and CAS, which is sure for cynicism and snark. So, interesting time.

In America, as you said, Donald Trump has responded to this crisis, exactly how you would have expected him to respond to the crisis with a mixture of delusion, arrogance, and more arrogant delusion. He tested negative for the virus, despite having been in close proximity with some people who have contracted it, which is evidence that even the virus has some limits

on what it's prepared to do to achieve this. He's got it. No way, not if he was the last man on earth. He's made some extraordinary claims. The man's bloodstream is basically hamburgers. There's no actual active thing for the virus to infect. The guy's internal organs is essentially a massive happy real. He's making it extraordinary.

Which is what is how we refer to his penis. He's making some extraordinary claims in these bizarre kind of freewheeling press conferences that he likes to give. He claimed that he can cure viruses just by growling at them. He suggested that victims try offering the virus money to leave their bodies. He's also suggested that viruses like to eat things like cookies, haggis or milkshakes and that you should feed up the virus so it gets big and fat. That's becoming easier to see, and that's what with the ping pong bat. He's claimed credit for saving millions of American lives by not deploying the entirety of the US nuclear arsenal on American cities,

which I guess you can't argue with that Trumpian logic. And he's now claimed that the virus can be expunged from your body if you stand on your head with your mouth open and get a friend, colleague, loved one or police officer officer to whack the souls of your feet repeatedly with a baseball bat That's knocking the virus down your body and out of your face. So On March the 5th he said I never said the people that are feeling sick should go to work A statement sadly contradicted by something he said on March the 4th Which was if we have thousands of people that get better just by you know sitting, sitting around and even by going to work, some of them go to work, but they get better. The man is not able to keep his story straight for 24 hours and Trump has

been on a real journey with coronavirus and like all Trump journeys he started with incompetence and ended in racism. He's continually referring to the virus as the Chinese virus, even according to some screen grabs and photos that some journalists obtained of one of his speeches going as far as changing it in pen on the speech from coronavirus to the Chinese virus. And listen, right? The virus is being blamed by racist, including the US president on the Chinese. And as I sit here, a brown man talking to a gay man and a Jewish man, I think we can all agree we have really good luck with it here. We are from three groups that are very much used to being blamed for, in our respective cases,

again, brown, gay, Jewish, me, all terrorism, Tom, major weather events, Andy, everything. We are all used to being blamed. And I personally, on behalf of all of our various demographic groups, would like to thank the Chinese for jumping on this hand grenade.

Hey, my people got blamed for a disease. They made a film about it called Philadelphia, starring Tom fucking Hanks. And now he's got the... He's got the f***ing Chinese disease, quite unquote. Quoting the president there, so that's legitimate. Yeah, listen, Tom Hanks, his method was gone too far. And the preparation for this Philadelphia sequel

is I think even Daniel D Day Lewis would deem excessive. Hahaha. Elsewhere in America, Senator Kelly Loffler, who's a senator from Georgia, tweeted that the consumer is strong, the economy is strong, and jobs are growing, which puts us in the best economic position to tackle COVID-19 and keep America safe.

Really, really strong sentiment there, slightly undercut by the fact that various newspapers are now reporting that Senator Kelly Loeffler dumped millions in stock after a coronavirus briefing. And I think the one thing that's reassuring me at the moment in this world is that as much as things are changing and their lives feel unrecognizable from what they felt like even a week ago. Still be f**king. Still be f**king. You worried about f**king?

Oh, they're f**king. The f**king to reap will never f**king start. Very poetic, Nish. In fact, BBC Radio 4 this morning had a poetry reading by actor Christopher Eccleston. The bugle is also jumping aboard the poetry train in these difficult times. So the special poem commissioned from our new in-house bar, Gannicus Straffage, who will be entertaining and enlightening us over the coming weeks and months with his versic concoctions. Gannicus, thank you very much for joining us.

Thank you, Andy, for having me. My poem today is entitled Contagia. for joining us. Oh f***, because I am an ill-treatable man. Gannicus, thank you very much. Moving elegant, pertinent and with an interesting twist on the traditional poem, you can buy Gannicus's strategy's latest collection of poetry, globules of brain gravy and a puddle of despair from all known retailers everywhere. Cooking in isolation is, as nishes you touched on earlier on, a lot of people aren't really used to doing this, that we've seen a lot of people. I don't know, not sure, it's panic buying as much as crippling sense of uncertainty

and low level existential dread buying, but you know, it's your potato potato I guess but a lot of people you know if you've missed the panic buying and have empty cupboards or aren't used to cook in your cells you need some assistance and well luckily friend of the show Sgluten Malvain has provided us with some lockdown recipes for people who fail to get to the shops before everything had been preemptively panic-haarded some delicious cordon blu brastery styleile, Michelin-Stare recipe, made with just the ordinary bits and bobs you have lying around your house, or flat, or underground layer, wherever you currently live. I'm not judging you.

A couple of recipes to get you started with from Scluton, slow-braced spare cushions, snuggled in a spider's web, on the loop with multiple boiled batons of Savon de Chambére d'Ortel. That's soap, nicked from hotel rooms, but you should say in French it's a nice little trick. Served with a seasoned Tolstoy meal foie, which is an old under-aid copy of war and peace. If that doesn't take a fancy, you can try freshly snipped trimmings of haunch of curtain. That's anything from your curtain, which is below the window line. Marinated in a casserole sampler of oxidated to duo of molecular hydrogens, that's a bowl of water,

served on a bed of classical tallya tally magnateeek, which is taped from old cassettes of Mozart and for dessert, apple memories. It is a shame that particularly in Britain and America, our governments have not provided us with any sort of leadership in these kind of difficult times. And there were sort of go-fund me pages springing up constantly. And basically, does seem like the government is adopting the Bob Geldoff economic model, hoping basically the charity jumps into the sector where the state should actually be residing. The WHO guidelines again are basically just wash your hands frequently, which I do have to pick people up. How infrequently will you people not washing your fucking hands? Some of us in the obsessive, and let's face it,

Asian communities have been obsessively washing up. I swear to God, there are older Asian people that have not had to change their behaviors whatsoever. Several of my elderly relatives have been obsessively bleaching their belongings and indeed themselves and maintaining a healthy social distance from anyone for the last 25 to 30 years. You've got to wash your hands frequently, maintain social distancing, avoid touching your nose, eyes and mouth, and if you have a fever, either stay home or if it gets really bad, go to the doctors.

Basically, there has to be a happy middle ground between the two approaches of either bleaching your butthole every time you do a shit just in case you do keep up the runner or just walking around saying look if I'm in the street I'll be in a few clicks. I'm Australia is having a pretty tough time with this this whole affair in classic Australian style we're still very much lagging behind the rest of the world in terms of staying up to date with the crisis we still don't have the new series of Brooklyn 9.9 we're still wearing Patagonia t-shirts everywhere and we've elaxed attitude towards pandemic prevention so we are still throwing

shrimps on the Barbie without washing our hands we are still having Barbies we're still getting very close to each other's faces and bragging about the size of our various knives. It's chaos over here, Addy. It's no good. It is quite hard to practice social distancing when your country is a result of a certain other country setting up an island f***ing prison, okay? Let me out, Andy. I'm stuck in here with Olivia Newton-John and I saw her coughing the other day. Let me out. The Australian government has banned all public gatherings of 100 people or more and today

they announced that any mass gathering with less than 100 people must comply with an indoor limit of one person for every four square meters. Okay, so if you've got a room that's 100 square meters, and the prime minister was talking about this today, you can have 25 people in that room. The news is outraged. Everybody except the claustrophobic sex dungeon industry who welcomed the news and invited all Australians

to support their local businesses and opportunities for you to masturbate while looking at other people masturbating in large school gymnasiums. Okay, those businesses are really hurting and they need us right now and I want to get that message out Andy. It's okay to have a wink in a gym as long as the adequate facing a specifications are met. The National airline Quantis has stopped all international flights and despite receiving a stimulus package of $750 million from the government

to help them bail out, Quantus will still be standing down 30,000 employees and asking them to take unpaid leave. The current CEO of Quantus, Alan Joyce, has currently paid $23.9 million per year. In other news, the Communist manifesto was written by Karl Marx and Frederick Engels in late 1847 and is an inspiring call to arms to workers from across the world to recognize their power rise up and fight for a more just and decent world in which evil greedy, demon-listed executives can no longer ruthlessly exploit the working class

for profit and all basic human material needs are met. But that's just another new story. Bye, bye. The casinos are still open, though. These codes are easy. Yeah. The casinos are still open, though. The casinos are still staying open. We pleased to hear they're shutting down everything, but in Melbourne, Victoria Crown Casino and in Perth, the Crown is permitted to run its gaming room with every second poker machine

turned off. In New South Wales and Queensland, a star entertainment is restricting the opening hours of its gaming rooms to stand the spread of the virus, with its three casinos shuttered for four hours every morning to enable a comprehensive cleaning process. And the Victorian Premier has described Crown Casino as occupying a unique place in Victorian society. And unique it is Andy, a place where vestige elderly people gathered to listen to Michael Booblay and Fritterway, their very last savings, gambling both their money and their lives on every pull of a lever or touch of a sweaty oily button.

Crown Casino, if you go to hell, come stop by here and get a taste of it first. So the Australian response tove has been to sort of do f*** all. Pretty much. There's been a bit of talk about school closures in Australia, that's still alive debate. I think it'll be shamed to shut them down. We only just got schools in Australia. Um,

Prior to 2017, Australian children were educated exclusively by being shown episodes of Skippy or being taught the alphabet through a range of drinking songs. Now we've got the big old bloody fancy La La schools and the bloody f***ing eggheads want to shut them down because Mr. G. Jean Ping f***ed a battle some bullshit bloody rot. Struth! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Well, it's very easy to get overwhelmed by the, so, suffusive gloom. But there's always positive to take. We might not have sport anymore, but the eternal lesson of sport is that

no matter how bad things are, you can at least pretend to take some positives from a disastrous situation. So what are you, uh, a nation? Tom, what are what positives are you taking from the, the current mayhem? I think your positives for you, Andy. John Oliver isn't allowed to have an audience anymore, so now he's just in a room by himself spouting bullshit about the news with no one laughing. It's just like the old days on the bugle. All horse racing has been suspended from Wednesday until the end of April. No horse

racing. Good luck getting them back on board. The whole getting flogged while carrying little men down a racetrack. And if you fall down we'll shoot in the head thing. I think that's done for good. I think the queen has been very inspiring. I've liked her. She said this is a time for all of Britain to come together for the common good and you know, she says her family stand ready to play a part. I must say this is a very positive turn of events for Prince Andrew. I think he really has to be pretty stoked right now. He's been the focus of a lot of social distancing of late, but I think he's you know, really had this whole thing take the heat of him. So congratulations Andrew. The positives for me Andy, are that I'm learning a lot about. I feel like I'm learning a lot of valuable life lessons from our government.

The fact that they've just done nothing and sort of gently encouraged people. And Guta Hari, who's a former director of communications support response on News Night, BBC News Show yesterday, said, we're grown-ups, and like any parent, you don't tell your child to do a certain thing because Daddy said so, do try and persuade them.

And that has fundamentally reshaped my understanding of the entire state and being. We don't have laws about preventing murder. We just lightly discourage people from murdering. That's how we do it, completely change my understanding of how the state works. Yeah, well that initially, that is certainly how the state works when it comes to corporate legislation, which is going to encourage them to do it. Eventually. Daddy just has to say, two corporations, please can you pay the absolute bare minimum.

So for example, in times of major crisis, like say a global pandemic, the state might not be immediately at breaking costs. It's easy to say that with hindsight or foresight or any cranial activity. It's easy to say that with sight Okay, the sight is 2020 unless it's not and then it has to be assisted by glasses But at the end of the day daddy tells us what to do and so we do it

I see this positive that you know clearly mayhem around the world a billion children having their education disrupted. Pretty much every country affected economic chaos, widespread, human devastation, streets deserted, in essence an entire planet put on hold genuinely reassessing how it conducts itself. So this is my minor positive Q terrorists, you have been old, you have been old terrorists you have been owned you have been owned by a tiny little virus everything you dreamed off a decade this tiddly little spiky-ass virus has ticked off in little over two months you useless pieces of shit well on that is this actually imposed a travel ban on its followers.

Did you see that? Isis advised its followers to not travel to Europe for fear of contracting coronavirus. Andi, I never thought I would find myself saying this. And I would appreciate if nobody could clip this and take it out of context. Nish. No, that's not going to happen. It's better to just pretend, that's not gonna happen. It's better than the British government. Ah!

Ah! I'm tackling the coronavirus. And only on the hat! ISIS has taken a more proactive stand than the British government. Do you think suicide bombers are just gonna start shaking people's hands a lot more now, rather than going that way.

Everyone's just going in for a high five. Hello, I'm Fah, high five. I mean the thing that surprised me more than anything else is that ISIS called on its militants to stay away from the land of the epidemic. And it did that in its group newsletter. Now that was the surprise to me that ISIS has a nail chin. It's just not the sort of thing. It's just not the sort of thing. Hey guys, just in case this went into your spam rescending. We'll get to the ISIS newsletter in a minute, but you know, Squarespace is a great way to build your website. Hey, don't forget to put up your Patreon for more hot ISIS content.

I think it's great news for the British people as well. The British government is called for Britain's to end all non-essential contact, or as British people call it, the British government is called for Britain's to end all non-essential contact, or as British people call it, contact. And ending all touching, that's obviously terrible news for most people in the world. It's great news for the Me Too movement, I think. You know, finally we've got to a place that we're hoping for, and if a global horrifying death plague is what it takes to stop men being all creepy and shit and smelling your hair and looking your ear, so be it!

I think this is political correctness gone mad. This is exactly what the feminazis have wanted from the beginning. Are you happy now feminazis? We can't even touch ourselves for fear of spreading the rona to our own deeds. I got me to my own face. This is brutal. In other non-virus news, while the virus has taken over news so much that non-virus news has barely been happening and it's probably a great time for governments to sneak through some stuff that they really don't want people noticing.

Nish, we don't have much time for non-virus news here on the bugle because we are a news organisation and therefore it's just virus but what has been happening that isn't virus? Well look, Andy, if you see the virus as a crisis you have to following the ancient Chinese proverb also see it as a huge opportunity to dump public has stories about yourself. The UK government has leaked out the start of the phase that's going to result in the release of a report into the Windrush scandal, which has recommended wholesale reform of a reckless home office. Now, that is not the R word I would use to describe the UK's home office behind the hostile environment

immigration policy. That R word is of course really mean it's it's it's it's it's really mean guys and it's not it's not ideal that they deported people who were born and who lived in this country and who made it their homes and were booted out as a culmination of the hostile environment policy. And you know, it really is, they've argued that Windrush was able to happen because officials had a poor understanding of Britain's colonial history, again, not the words I would use to describe our understanding of our own colonial history. Poor understanding is at best a generous remark. I would use the phrase, call understanding of our colonial history, which enables us to say things like this.

Hey Tom, you Australians really f**king do the average news, didn't you? You Australians. You Australians that had nothing to do with us really f**ked over and destroyed the lives of the indigenous population. That was you guys, you guys did it anyway, back to our culinary exemplary. The son never sat on us, God save the queen, Britain forever.

The Victorian State government during the midst of the Crota cries, just suddenly lifted the moratorium on fracking. Just thought they'd whack that out there too. Why not? Now f**king, if you don't know, is like giving the earth coronavirus. So, they're really, ominously, like this is just a generally PSA. Keep your f***ing eye out at the kind of insane shit that your bachic government is doing all across the world, friends, because they will sneak through muckeying babies with

f***ing hooping cough or some shit. They'll try and get something out there over the course of the next couple of weeks We must remain vigilant and we must write jokes about them for the bugle with any saltman That's what we are a valuable public service never forget that please take my children This this whole podcast has just been a desperate attempt for you to try and get some face-to-face people around the kids. Do keep listening to The Bugle and of course The Bugles spin off, sister show, the last post starring today, none other than Chris himself. So that is correct is it not? Yeah I

I shame myself by making the joke about wanking into the teams I can only apologize. Well given what we've just heard in today's show you if anything you're raising the tone of this franchise. Oh Nish Tom thank you very much for joining us. Well, see you soon, probably on a little screen, I would imagine. Nice knowing you, Andy. Good luck, Beaglez. Got to be to all.

Goodbye. We're here. Again. Imagine all the people. Just living for today! Thank you for listening, Beugles. We will now play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them and keep the bugle fully functioning and fully free. Go to thebeuglepodcast.com and click the donate.

Rebecca Mitchell and Zach Windler, who have not otherwise met, done in this lie, once had a long conversation with the rock band Guns and Roses, when they found themselves all stuck in a broken cable car gondola, four half an hour, whilst a mechanic tried to find the right spanner. Rebecca claimed that Thomas Edison invented the basketball, but didn't have anything to throw it in, so just chucked it in a bin he kept on a high shelf in his study and forgot about it. Zach added that Edison's assistant, whom he claimed was called, who be backboard, found

it the following morning and promptly invented the now popular sport. The rock band, suitably distracted, did not at any point in the half-hour delay, sing their hit song, Sweet Child of Mine, which to both Rebecca and Zach constituted Mission Accomplished. Elizabeth Beverly is still intermittently harrowed to the core of her soul by the memory of a heated conversation in another cable car journey, which she overheard between a high-ranking executive from a prominent fast food chain and a Belgian movie mogul on the ethics of eating smurf meat during a food shortage. I don't know if there's a right or unanswer, recalls Elizabeth, but it was unquestionably a most unsettling chat.

Jason B. Standing remains hopeful that Microsoft, the celebrity technology company, will at some point release a stained glass version of its Windows operating system. I think it would look lovely and be easier on the eyeballs for people who work long hours at computer screens, says Jason. Joan Russick chirps in with a rumor she's heard that Microsoft's original operating system

was in fact developed by Bill Gates and a software buff in by the name of Trevor Glass. Unable to decide what to call their new product, they averaged out Gates and Glass, which of course equals Windows. That's what Joan has heard anyway. Here endeth this week's lies. Goodbye.