The Bugle - Bugle 4151 - Boris Babies

Episode Date: May 2, 2020

This week it's Vengaboys versus Beastie Boys, Corona versus humans and kids versus grandparents.Andy is with Alice and Josh to talk about the Swiss, kids, Tr*mp, BJ's babies and everything else in the whole world that has happened this week.We are funded entirely by Buglers! Support The Bugle. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donateWe have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserJosh GondelmanAnd produced by Chris Skinner. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Bugleers, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers. Majorityo lost Blue Glarros for our European listeners, and welcome to issue 4151 of the bugle. I am not really sure anymore. I mean, my name is Andy Zoltzon, but who am I? It's a difficult question to answer. It's, I've no idea, a time and day of C-Sto existence concepts. In fact, I don't know much anymore.

What I do know is if I had a hammer, I'd probably accidentally put a nail through a water pipe again. If we were, if we allowed, and indeed taught pigeons to drive, they'd probably stop taking jealousy shits on our cars. The volcano, an erupting mountain of pastives, that splits Bolle and they saw through the place when served, could be the dish that saves the restaurant industry. And when all this is over, the first thing we should do is have a global ceremony at which all 7.1 billion of us nods sagely and say, yeah we f**ked up a bit there, didn't

we? It's still strange times, but it was I'm pretty sure at some point this week the lockdown started going backwards And as sure as breakfast follows lunch I woke up the day before I thought I'd gone to bed But anyway, here we are. It is Friday the 1st of May 2020 and joining me from Australia Alice Fraser how are you Alice? I am well and exult when I spent the morning with my adorable baby niece So everything is everything is good in the world.

And then I found a red back spider in the pool filter, and that took things downhill in a rapid order. How big is it? Are they quite small? They're about that big, they're very beautiful, the female red back spiders, but they will kill a child. And importantly, I was with a child. Right, I see that's a bit of an issue. Well, I guess if there's a message from this week's Google, it is death to all spiders. Joining us from New York. It's that the spider owns that pool now.

Joining us from New York City, welcome back to Josh Gondelman, hi Josh. Hi, Andy, thanks for having me. Great to have you back. How are things in New York City. Welcome back to Josh Gondelman, hi Josh. Hi Andy, thanks for having me. Great to have you back. How are things in New York? Well, I haven't seen any spiders, but the rats have become incredibly confident. The city's rats, they're no longer scurrying. They've got kind of like a swagger to their walk now. And I've seen them crossing the street which again feels ambitious. I don't like a rodent that has like a megalomania to them. It's a green man not a green rat at the crossing.

Absolutely. I know it's probably a good time to be a rat when you think of the history of human pandemics. This is one that they are absolutely off the hook on and they're probably thinking, well, you know, let's just, let's just enjoy what we can. I feel like they're worried because they got blamed for the last plague and I think they're like, don't pin this shit on us. Also possibly taking confidence from their president as well. So we are recording on the first of May 2020, Mayday, Mayday, never a more appropriate day to record a satirical podcast than Mayday of this year. It's interesting the origin of Mayday as a distress signal. There are various theories as to how this came about, the term Mayday, Mayday. One is that because Mayday, the day, signal the approaching of summer, if you're in the correct hemisphere, of course, the medieval church issued

a Mayday warning to alert its priests to the fact that the warmer weather could lead to an increase in licentious behaviour and diabolous, grannular urges, hence Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, would be and Diabulous, Groanular Urges, hence Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, would be sung from the Church rooftops. Another theory is that the notoriously panicky risk taking an accident prone 19th century British general, Greville Yard Montclotchett, would often implement high risk battlefield strategies, but when things went wrong he would struggle to admit that he'd messed up and start stumbling on his words in a kind of Hugh Grant style. And I'm say, I've made a, made a, made a, and the rest of his, his staff would see that as a sign that things have taken a terrible, terrible turn. And a third theory is that it dated back to Henry VIII's time and when he was choosing a wife, choosing a new wife to replace the one that he'd recently, shall we say, separated from in one of his various modes of separation, which came, of course, in various degrees of physical literalism.

When he was choosing a new wife, he liked to be presented with a selection of anonymous portraits of eligible princesses, noble women, and or just assorted young hotties. These would be labeled made A, made B, made C, through to made J, very much like a goal of the month, but with 16th century women. He was the term made, so he wouldn't be swayed by their social status, only their looks and personality as painted by the skillful portrait artists of the day. Anyone, one occasion shortly after swiping down on his previous date, Stroke Wife, he picked the first portrait, or made a, that was the Transylvanian Countess Inid Dracula who had a reputation for being, shall we say, something of a manny to Henry's courtiers and Lord Snutterbridge, the recently appointed Pimp Royale who'd replaced the executed Lord Nantwich. New that counter-seeded would be a catastrophic wife

of big Henry, panicked and shouted, Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, and summoned up an emergency short-term Catherine from the Crown Reserve of Catherine as to distract Henry Wastafallis. Flattering portrait of Enid was painted. Anyway, those are the theories, I guess. We'll never know anyway, the Mayday call.

About a hundred years ago now, replaced in the early days of aviation, the previous alarm message of holy fucking shit, shit, shit, this is what happens when we fucking play with physics. Henry VIII very much the pioneer of conscious unle is going straight in the bin. Well, a free giveaway this week in the bin, an automatic clapper when you want to express your appreciation for someone doing a socially useful job, but don't really have the time

to do it yourself. Simply play this sound effect from your phone. And also in the bin poetry or poetry as discussed as had a real resurgence during the lockdown. And our in-house poet Gannicka Straffich has written for us his latest poem about the current situation. Corona virus, you are only small, not tall at all. You are far from big, unlike a large pig. You are tidally in size, therefore harder to see that wasps or flies.

You are not bulky, but you seem quite silky. Nevertheless, you are a massive f***. That was coronavirus by Gannicus Straffich in the bit. It's very, will you magonical levels of class right there? I like it, I like it because it rhymed and then it didn't. That's the toughest. Like all the best poems. Yeah, slitch it up. Top story this week, children versus the virus.

Well, this coronavirus in common with most other major political figures of our time. So it's generally not bothered itself with children and has focused mostly on the old. But children around the lockdown world have been having a tough time of it. They have been climbing up the walls, frankly, which is good exercise and something to do. It helps them learn about physics and statistical risk and how to administer elementary first aid to themselves. But these are interesting

times for a generation that will carry the effects of this crisis, this lockdown and it's aftermough through the rest of this century in their personal and working lives. Alice, you are correspondent for everyone on the planet under the age of, well let's say, well, 44, which is how I see children at my age. What is the news from the world of kids? How I see children at my age. What is their news from the world of kids? Well exciting news out of Switzerland. Children are now allowed to hug their grandparents again, so all the battles for Omar's respect love and the inheritance of Nazi gold, Adelweiss and timepiece fortunes can begin again. Actually it's not just that they're allowed to hug their grandparents.

In Switzerland right now, hugging your grandparents is compulsory even if they're smell weird or are bastards. I think that's kind of nice, but I think the kids will agree it's way more exciting and badass to hug your grandparents while it's still illegal. It's a little, you know, I guess they're a little fun. You actually never really paid a kind of extreme sport, or, you know, it's sort of counter-cultural expression of rebellion. Yeah, the last time I was hugging your grandparents

has been the coolest it's ever been. Real edgy. Also, if kids can't have, you know, if kids don't get coronavirus, but they can still be carriers, it's just like a nation full of tiny adorable grim reapers. Ha! Well, it was always the kids who wouldn't hug anyone they can still be carriers. It's just like a nation full of tiny adorable Grim Reapers. Ha ha ha. Well, it was always the kids who wouldn't hug anyone

that you used to suspect of being sociopaths. But now when a hug might be a death sentence, you have to wonder about the real huggy kids. Ha ha ha ha. A Swiss scientist has claimed that children cannot transmit the virus. Other scientists have claimed that children can transmit the virus. So, you claimed that children can transmit the virus.

So, you know, science, you are really not covering yourself in glory at the moment. A third said a scientist claim that children are the virus. But because it's Switzerland, they're going to pretend not to take a stance and that any either science side could be right. It only applies to Swiss children. Swiss children are unique in not transmitting the virus. I guess if that's the case, we have to ask why is it, you know, their genetic neutrality, as you suggested, is it an excess of mountains, is it holes in cheese? Or is it,

I think, most likely, that Swiss children have been brought up exposed to the single-handed backhand in their star tennis players that that having grown up watching Roger Federer and Stanislaus Vavrinka playing with such beautiful, elegant single-handed play, that's made them less susceptible to the virus than the Spanish and Serbian children who've grown up watching the more functional, less aesthetically pleasing, two-handed backhands of the likes of Nadal and Jokovic.

We don't know. I guess these are one of the many things that science will have to study as we learn more and more about this virus. Also, in Switzerland, it's only children under 10, apparently who do not transmit the co-advice and can hug their grannies and grandadds, under 10, specifically. As soon as you... I don't know if the coronavirus has a bit of an OCD, think about single-figure numbers, or simply that on their 10th birthday, Swiss children become lethal vectors of contagion, as we've already always suspected them to be.

Another angle on this is that scientific research has also suggested that it's precisely the age of 10 that the human brain starts to develop an understanding of the concept of inheritance, which is why the Swiss government doesn't want children aged 10 or over risking their grandparents' lives. Well, they aren't taking some precautions, right? Like when you make physical contact with your grandparents, you have to use some PPE, you have to hug them through the holes in a piece, a large piece of cheese. It's a coming of age thing. When you're 10, you put on your long pants, you take your hair down and you stop hugging your grandparents.

It's like a bomb, it's for Swiss people. That's right. Also for teens, right? You don't want teenagers having been touching anyone in weeks. You don't want someone hugging their own grandparents becoming physically aroused. The hormones are out of control. Ha ha ha ha. Family show, Josh. It's actually very similar to a bar mitzvah in that when you come of age in Switzerland,

you get some Jewish gold. It's just... Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Not from your relatives. Meanwhile, in Spain, Spanish children are allowed out for the first time in six weeks. They've allowed out to play in the streets, and they can return to their traditional pastimes at eating tapas at midnight, bullfighting,

and staring morocally out of an oil painting at you wearing full child-sized adult clothing while someone with dwarfism does menial tasks in the background. But that is such, such stereotype, Alice. That is not what Spanish kids do. What Spanish kids do is just traditional, cultural, Spanish activities like riding a bicycle for weeks

on end, patiently passing a football through midfield or looking at a pig and thinking, your legs, my thumb, it's a date in 18 months time or more if I'm treating myself. Well, apparently Spanish people have been taking the time in quarantine to stock up on their sea estates. So when the lockdown stops, nobody will be allowed to take a seester

for another eight months. You know, it's a great time for people to be allowed to go outside in Spain. It's almost electronic music and ecstasy season on the beat. So, this is a beautiful time. But there are concerns that there aren't going to be enough people to harvest

all the ecstasy and electronic music This year Due to the lockdown so they you know, there could be lots of electronic music this just goes to waste Just on yeah, there's fat beats rotting in the fields. Yeah I really the goal behind this right is to let the children out is to avoid turning an entire generation Into a nation of competitive esports champions. And I think that's normal. They're just going to get too good at gaming if they have to stay inside. You don't want competitive esports players.

When you play sports and esports at the same time, the winner is always friendship or in the case of esports loneliness. Yeah, the real, the real victory in esports is the friend you didn't make along the way. Here in Britain, let's talk of a phased reopening of schools, despite many in the conservative government deciding that schools are no longer necessary. The junior education minister, Millicent Radish Greef, was overheard speaking at a press conference saying there are going to be called decent jobs for these little funding hovers, so what's the

f***ing point? However, there are now discussing ways of having a staggered reopening, so that schools are overburdened and can maintain some form of social distancing. There's one option that they reopen with no children., another they open with no teachers and just children allowed to roam around the school on their own. Another they reopen with teachers but no lessons or teachers giving lessons at night to an empty classroom when people coming in during the day to just osmos the learning, the waves of learning that are still rebounding around the room. Another, there will be children will have to have classes individually, but so that's a class of children, say 30 children can get through an entire lesson. Each

going to be taught massively, intensively for 90 seconds of furious teaching each. Another option to try and keep control of social distancing is a reduced syllabus in which children are only allowed to learn one subject for the rest of their school careers. That subject, of course, being drama, because as discussed, that is the skill they're going to need, the ability to pretend that they're living happy and fulfilled working lives. Regarding exams, there's a confusion of exactly how all the exams that are no longer going to be done are going to be marked. And the latest proposal from the government is to use Victorian fronology to work out how well the children would have done in their exams

based on the shape of their heads. It seems as good a away as any. We're going back to the old ways in so many different facets of life. It seems the logical step. So here's some great news out of Australia. A book has been, a children's book has been commissioned to be published as a film. The children's book, Nullabaloo, Hullabaloo, which was written in Buna-loo in Australia.

The author, Fleur Ferris, she grew up in a small farm in Pachy Wallach in Northwest Victoria before moving to Melbourne and then to Bannerloo. Apparently, it's going to be made into a Hollywood movie and I have no jokes about it. I'm just like saying those words. This is how I picture all Australian news. Like, to be a newspaper in Australia is just like, hallowed blue, mullabaloo, and kind of a do. And then a politician says, nothing obscenely racist.

Well, the author, Fleur Ferris, was a police woman in Melbourne and then a paramedic. So she'd just seen too many bad things. So she retired to banaloo to write this children's book. To conclude our bugle children's section, the latest instalment of our bugle, home school exams. Obviously school exams have been stopped, but we at the bugle are as a fount of all learning, helping anyone who is home schooling

with a series of exams to keep their children educated and informed. This week, geography, get your pens and papers ready. Question 1. Are rivers a metaphor for life? They start off fresh, exciting, running around all over the place, then they settle down and end up meandering, getting fat and then just giving up. Question 2. Using maps, graphs and picture grams, outline the correlation between tectonic fault lines and A,

snake populations, B, hip hop stars, C, the production of world snooker champions, and D, ice cream flavours. Question 3. Outline the geological evidence presented in an influential late 1960s research paper by the seismologist, Tarell and Gay, that the world is a great big onion. If Tarell and Gay, that the world is a great big onion. If to Rell and Gay were correct in their assumptions, will global warming in fact make the planet smell absolutely awesome, like a giant fast food van at a sporting event.

And finally, question four, if you had to install a new mountain range somewhere in the world, where would it be and why? Choose from the following options, a new year old mountains, the current year olds are a piss poor mountain range to divide two such famous continents. B, along the Netherlando-Belgemic border, the Sheepho-Rycard range, going up to 5,000 meters in height, could be installed overnight, really just to see the looks on the faces of people who used to cycling everywhere

without having to go uphill. C, a new mountain range in Central Asia, called the Hurra Layers, two part of the Himalayas, but break the patriarchy of mountain ranges, or D across the English Channel. If we're going to do Brexit, this is fucking do it properly. Virus around the world news now and well it's not going any any better really this this this this story it might be getting slightly better at the short term, but it seems to get a bleaker and bleaker long term. The United Nations Agency, the International Labour Organization, has worn the almost half of the global workforce, that's 1.6 billion

people are in quotes, immediate danger of having their livelihoods destroyed due to the economic impact of the virus, the pesky little influenza, parody virus jerk that has ground humanity to a quivering standstill, with its morally abominable microscopic guerrilla campaign of sometimes symptomless terror. It served the world an unwanted undrinkable cocktail of mayhem stagnation and slow motion panic without even a parasol or slice of lime to pep it up. And the world's economic house of straw is being thoroughly blown down by an invisibly small, big, bad wolf.

Lessons should be learned next time. We should definitely, definitely build our economy out of wood. If half the world loses their job, I mean, that's gonna be terrible individually and for the greater economy. But we should really spare a thought for the other half of people who just have to keep

and go into work, well no one else is. Just getting up in the morning like this shit again. I think we need more creative solutions. Don't cut the total number of jobs in half. Just keep everybody going to work two and a half days a week, that's a win-win. That is a genuinely good solution. Thank you.

I mean, in fact, you could even spread it out because that's 3.3 billion is the working population of the world. So that's still as well less than half the world's population. So if we just get children and old people working again as well, I think everyone could be basically on a one day working week. Sixday weekends, we can build a better planet. Oh, are there tourism that's going to get done on a six-day weekend or the shopping? The economy is going to be booming with people working one day a week. I don't think it's going to work that way at all, Andy. I think what's going to happen is we are going to invent new jobs. We are constantly inventing new jobs. Who would have thought even five

years ago that there'd be such a thing as a social media image consultant. And yet, now there's more than 95% of the world's population has that job. Well, in the United States, they're going to create some new jobs where 50% of the working population will be conducting celebratory flyovers to salute the other 50% who are doing essential jobs. They did that this week. There was a flyover over New Jersey in New York to salute essential workers. And the only way that could have been less effective is if they had started shooting

bullets down at the disease. Well, I mean, we're doing better than before the suffrage, you know, back in the olden days, I don't know if you remember Andy. 51% of the world didn't have jobs, and in fact, we're not allowed to have jobs. It's bad already. I read this. This is true. 100,000 Hollywood actors are currently out of work and tragically among them, 32,000

hemzwarfs. them 32,000 Hemsworths. I'm sure that's an old measure of white, isn't it, the Hemsworth? Hemsworth, yeah, it's like 215, 230 depending on what they're training for. I'd like to buy a Hemsworth of Cole. The ship was pulled over with 10 Hemsworths of cocaine in the stow. to buy a hymns worth of coal. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the driest year on record, wildfires about. Push fires, we call them in the summer. Family show. Family show. Chris, don't applaud that. Do not applaud that.

I'm not here for standard. You're just encouraging it. It's interesting, the new jobs that may emerge from the mayhem to replace the jobs and businesses that are dissolving before our eyes. I mean, in Britain, certainly, there is hope that people working for all the official inquiries into everything we f***ed up in this crisis could provide employment for between two and three million people in the USA. That could be up to 35 to 40 million people. Other jobs that

could come into being panic planners, we have wedding planners, so I mean, you have another unnecessary planning industry, advising people to what's a panic buy in the next crisis arises. Research and development, I mean a lot of scientific research and development emerging in the aftermath of this, developing technologies to help us through future epidemics including scientists needed to develop a powdered hospital which you can just keep in a silo and just add water and all this turn back into a hospital as soon as you need it and caudric accoons. If you can an automated cryonic freezing pod automated, automated, cryonic freezing pod for the old to live in. So that when a virus breaks out, they can just be put into suspended animation for as long as it takes.

Surely that's more humane than what we're doing at the moment. A hyperconnery consultant. I think hyperconnery consultant is going to be one of the big growth industries of the next 10 years to help people worry about some other things and the things they really should be worrying about, so very valuable life skill. And in terms of manufacturing, I think the big growth sector is going to be zorbing balls because when you think of the social distancing regulations that we're going to need to observe, but also the need to transport ourselves physically from place to place to get

the economy going again, the zorbing Ball is the perfect compromise because it keeps you in your own protected, hermetically sealed virus-free zone at approximately a two meter range from everyone else in Zorbing Balls. This is the way to get the world moving again. Zorbing, we need, many of fact, to my eight billion Zorbing Balls and this planet can get back to business. There are no downsides to this apart from up hills up hills might be tricky But there are other than the physical downside Upsides there are absolutely no downsides to it. I anticipated big boom in in the work for holohupists Just large holohupists keeping each other at a distance and also medieval nights with full jousting armor

keeping each other at a distance and also medieval nights with full jasting armour. No one's going to cough at you if you're thundering towards them at 50 km an hour on a war horse. Trump sent 1000 suits of medieval armour to New York at Cuomo's request. Well, let's, since you mentioned your glorious leader, Josh A's, been on characteristically terrifying form this week, it's claimed to have seen evidence that the coronavirus is basically an act of biological war by China. Evidence that his own scientists have not seen or produced. Do we just have to accept that the threshold of credibility for evidence in the Court of Trump is different to a Court of Law or a scientific research paper?

Well, I'm seeing a lot of headlines that say Trump suspects certain things about the virus, which is like the wrong word, because that implies he's capable of deductive reasoning. If you can suspect something. He babbled that maybe the disease came from a lab in China. He ejaculated that, or he hormonally intuitive. It's all very kind of animal brain with him. So I think we just have to choose our verbs more carefully. The standards of his believing something

are just that the flicker of a synapse in his brain suggested that it might be true. And it doesn't matter where that synapse came from. He could have stuck his fingers in an electrical socket for all I know. He just gets on TV and, oh, sorry. He just gets on TV and says, whatever is in his mind for 60 minutes every night.

And before I saw him doing that for months, I thought, you know, maybe Dave Chappelle is going out with a little untested material a little quickly. And Trump is just blowing him out of the water. The thing about Trump is that people keep accusing him of saying stuff when he actually doesn't say anything. Like all the words are very much sort of abstract impressionism. It's jazz chat. It's word association. Here's a quote. He said when he was asked, he was asked if he was suggesting that

the coronavirus was not naturally occurring. He said no, we're going to see where it is, where it comes from, theory from labs, the bats, the type of bats couldn't have been here or there a lot of theories. We have people looking at it strongly, scientific people, intel people. This is not the word, these are not the words of a man who knows what words mean. Hey, let's give them some credit. He knows what words are. Look, he doesn't make statements. That's for sure. Statements imply sentence structure. He just does, he just does sort of, you know, this, it's a beautiful use of words in a poetic way. It's just, it's free association. The silences are where the meaning is. He kind of, the way he talks, it's so like stammering and fragmented. It's like someone caught him cheating on his wife with the corona virus

people always miss quoting trump i understand why people accused you know the left of miss quoting trump because it is actually impossible to quote him you just if you try and quote trump your computer or corrects it uh... some breaking news from uh... from america one of uh... america's leading oil companies uh... is stepping up to do its bit for the public coronavirus effort.

The oil industry has been undergoing turmoil. Prices fell a little while ago below the psychologically crucial zero dollars per barrel mark and the storeage is almost fully full. Anyway, the oil company Lovely Butterfly, which recently rebranded from its old brand name Toxico to make it sound more environmentally friendly without actually doing anything to justify that tag, LB have filled up Lake Nugget in the Barton King Memorial Nature Reserve on the Idaho Kentucky border with 100,000 barrels of excess crude oil. It's the least we could do explained more as be callous, the CEO, chief ex-girl patient officer of lovely butterfly, who added people can just come and help themselves to free oil whilst times are tough,

and they can probably help themselves to some free ready-based, efficient birds to eat as well while they're at it. So nice gesture from a beleaguered industry. Well, is that saying, you know, like a fish needs a bicycle? A fish doesn't need a bicycle because a fish has a car and that car is currently full of crude oil. Alice, Australia is the lockdown is being slightly eased. Yes, indeed. Different states are doing different things, but for example, in Australia, it's just ticked over to us being allowed to invite two people over to our house so that everyone is now playing the game of who's their favorite relative

to invite over more than one at a time. Apparently New Zealand is not approving of our apparent laxness because even though they seem to have completely eliminated the virus, they still think that we're going about things in too reckless a fashion. That is a classic Australian New Zealand beef, which if anyone knows history dates back to the mid-90s dispute between the rappers Outback Chakor and the notorious Kiwi. And is that a joke that insults the intelligence of the show's audience and the nationality of one of its hosts? Yes, I'm like, keepable of better. I would argue. I am not.

I also, two people, two people over your house at a time, that is a valiant effort by the Australian government to jumpstart its floundering threesome industrial. It's been one of the few growth sectors in the global economy in the last 10 years. Also this week about the 250th anniversary of the arrival of Captain Cook in Australia, the British exploring celebrity who spent a week or so in Australia then f***ed off to look for somewhere else. Cook claimed Australia for the British crown under the Finder's Keepers rule of Imperial conquest, which had a legal loophole in it that to be considered to have found it, you had to have done so within the last 30,000 years. Anything earlier didn't count, that was a loophole that Britain exploited with Australia. Scott Morrison, the current Prime Minister of Australia,

said the date represented emerging of histories, which is shortly after he'd merged an annoying wasp with his newspaper. We got to stop celebrating. I mean, you say that's atyrically the finders keepers rule, but actually the rule was called teranalius and it was, yeah, no one lives lives here even though there were clearly people living there. We got to stop celebrating the first time white guys show up to a non-white culture. The only exception being the Beastie boys who I will continue to celebrate because they didn't commit genocide. Unlike the Venger boys which is a little known, the Venger boys is short for vengeance boys and they are out for vengeance and they are back.

Yeah, that bus was coming and you don't want to know what's on it. The poor citizens of Ibika. Oh, don't kick them while they're down there in the middle of that terrible techno recession. Right, I'm now out of cultural references to deal with this bit of banter. Why so? I've not brought nothing to the table there. Nothing whatsoever. Can we talk about cricket? Here in Britain, the Prime Minister is back at work. Boris Johnson has returned to work having, well, as people say, beaten the virus.

I don't think he beat the virus. I think the virus beat him comfortably on points. He survived the virus because while he was supposedly beating it, the virus totally demolished the fucking country. I guess next time, tactical. If you're looking at this as a fight, maybe don't show boats so much in the first minute of round one.

You cannot psych out a virus. He's also returned to it and had a baby in the meantime, his partner, Carrie Simmons, has had a baby boy. Congratulations to Simmons on her first child and to the prime minister on his X plus oneth child where X is a number between, I don't know, five or six and whatever, sorry to get a bit mathematical,

especially in this time of confusing statistics. But there is some hope though that it will seem be possible to reduce Boris Johnson's rate of transmission down below the crucial R1 points, but we can't quite pin our hopes on that yet. He is, however, back to take control. Take control of our national bus that he so heroically drove into a swamp in the early days of this crisis and his own personal spin on the kink and you goes paddling at the seaside story. But I guess if there's one man who can drive a bus at our swamp, it's a highly trained expert with a large backup team to plan the practical and logistic side of things. But Boris Johnson is going to be very good at shouting, come on boss, you can do it and waving some union jack pom-poms in encouragement. So we have a prime minister again.

He does love a bus. Yeah, he loves a bus. He absolutely loves a bus. He is back. There's a feeling of relief here in Britain that Boris Johnson is back. Maybe you can't relate to it. Let me explain. Imagine you're being anesthetized for an operation.

And just as you're going under, you see the surgeon walking in and it's Freddy Krueger wielding a chainsaw. And then you wake up mid-operation and it's no longer Krueger operating on you. Instead, it's Hannibal Lecter. It's that same feeling of relief, you know, that things, it's a little bit better, probably,

possibly, anyway, it's chill. At least it's the person who technically has this job title. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha aggression on a pirate ship. It's like the Scoville scale for Chiliotness. Boris Johnson described, well I'm talking about what point Britain's going to start relaxing the lockdown. He said this was the moment of maximum risk, but that is, that might be true, but that is only true because at the previous moments of maximum risk, but that is, that might be true, but it is only true because at the previous moments of maximum risk, he took some massive f***ing risks. So I guess we have to acknowledge that now and take, try to make sure there is not another moment of maximum risk, some point in a few months' time. He says Britain is past the peak and then carried on to say,

leaving us all to enjoy a fundamentally altered world in which millions and millions of people have been upheav'd in a fundamental and irreparable way. Team GB. When he says Britain has passed the peak, I don't think he means for the disease. I just think he means that the nation is in decline overall. Although I do think he would be accurate to say that COVID-19 has passed its peak.

Like when you're a pandemic, how much better can you do than infecting Boris Johnson? You've peaked right there. Right. Okay. Well, he has had this new baby. Everyone loves a new baby and people are celebrating his little fruit of last. It has to be hard for the uncounted legions of other Boris babies he may or may not have had. Do I need to say may not? No, he definitely had the massive babies. He's so far refuses to take credit for. It's funny, He's so far refuses to take credit for. It's funny, though, that he refuses to take credit for the babies,

because he took credit for the Boris Bikes, and they weren't his idea. Maybe all babies are Boris babies. He should put them on public racks for people to take and return. Boris babies, they're pretty good, a little heavier than other babies, but that's the technology. I think you've just outlined the future of parenting post-virus. He promised maximum transparency from the government, Boris Johnson, which is rather like hearing the Pope promising a rave with free booze, hot chicks, hot hunks and heroin.

I don't really believe him and I don't really want it to happen anyway. I don't want maximum transparency now, looking into a deep void of despair about what life will be like for the foreseeable future. This is the time I want him to lie to us. Not before. Not now. I want good, productive lies now. Well, Mr Johnson said that keeping the reproduction rate down is going to be absolutely vital to our recovery and he means the virus, but I think it also serves as a word of warning to his penis. Sports news now.

Well the main sports news is there's still no fucking sport and this has got well beyond a joke. Alice, I know you're obsessed, arguably to a fault with the administration of professional tennis. What's been going on there? Well Roger Federer backed by a number of other tennis stars has made a plea for a merger of men's and women's governing bodies in the sport of tennis. So apparently at some point men's and women's governing tennis bodies are going to merge.

For, yeah they are. You'd like that Federer federal you perfect wouldn't you? yeah put it put it something something something love I mean it's that I mean it's either there's I don't know quite what they mean by merging either it's the sexual Congress or maybe they're gonna do like a Frankenstein e-monster thing I'd like I would love to see a forearmed forele gonna do like a Frankenstein-y monster thing. I'd like, I would love to see a forearmed forelegged Federer Williams, Frankenstein monster play mixed doubles as a single entity like something out of space jam. Also, if they do that, it solves the social distancing rule by just smashing tennis players together. I think that's I think the core of it right in this

era of social distancing. I think Roger Federer is just desperate for any kind of merging bodies. Well that brings an end to another viral bugle. Thank you very much for listening buglers. We'll be back next week. Alice, anything to plug up on the last post, of course, which, Carrie, what episode are we up to? Into the... 114th... 8... Something like that. We've been doing one a day since the 1st of January. It's so much nonsense.

But also my stand-up special, Savage is on Amazon Prime So if you want to watch something that has me in it, you can watch that Josh anything anything to plug Sure, I have a new podcast called make my day. It's a comedy game show where one guest competes and they always win and And my book nice try is still out you can get it on ebook or audiobook if you don't want to have a thing delivered to your house Nice try is still out. You can get it on ebook or audiobook if you don't want to have a thing delivered to your house Bugglers, thank you very much for listening. We will play you out with some more lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them Or to contribute whatever you want to the ongoing existence and Independence of the view will go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button The Thomas Hornigold thinks glaciers are overrated. They take ages to get where they're going, they leave rubbish everywhere, and they need very specific conditions in which to exist

complains Thomas. Sure, they look pretty from a distance, he rails, but as a means of getting water from A to B, they're hopeless. Give me a proper liquid river, any day. It must be said that Thomas was very disappointed as a child to discover that glaciers do not contain frozen fish. It would be logical if they did, he grumbles morocally. Dominic Lagas-Mur once had to dissuade a theatrical impresario friend of his called Neil from attempting to launch a new musical production called The Stalagmites. The Stalagmites was due to comprise eight brave little children who helped capture the RAF pilots escape from a German prison revocamp built into rock

formations growing from the bottom of a secret cave. Neil did reluctantly accept Dominic's advice. Margaret Bell came to the rescue when the persistent if deluded Neil then suggested that the production might still work, if the heroes were instead little insect-stallag mites that bit the camp guard to distraction thus facilitating an escape. Margaret said, maybe you could slake your first meal for writing musicals involving both German history and caves with Otto in the Grotto. About the 19th century statesmen Otto von Bismarck's quest to unify Germany via a series of secret candlelit underground meetings with the leaders of the 39 states in the German

confederation. I'm still not sure it's a guaranteed ticket-shifter, equivocated Margaret. Alexandra Schwab jumped into the breach to suggest that a more ethical and visually striking alternative production would be ETT, the extra T-Rex trial, a Stephen Spielberg-themed courtroom drama musical about the legal wranglings over a planned double sequel combining E.T. and Jurassic Park in an alien dinosaur spectacular. Alexandra did warn Neil that he would have to drop the caves and German history stick though. Azalea Wilberg as a further alternative suggests a babushka, a musical using the songs of Kate Bush about a Russian grandmother who travels around in a car formally owned by

the ex-American first lady, Barbara Bush. As Alia says, musicals using songs already written by famous pop stars are popular for whatever reason. You could even get 94-year-old Olga to drive the barb bush car back in time to have a secret romantic liaison with Martin Luther in the Berkster's Garden Saltmine in Bavaria if you really won't shift on the Germanico-historical subterranean theme, Neil. And to conclude our history of Germany theme pieces of drama collection of lies today, Tony Vailard was long convinced that Star Wars character Yoda was so called as an acronym shortening for his full name, Johannes Dahlsbrocken, a young German who was fired into another galaxy

and time in a covert 1930s experiment that went disastrously wrong. It would explain why Yoda's mastery of the English language remains incomplete, even at the age of 900 speculates Tony. Here endeth the lies. I'm going to bed. I'm going to bed.