The Bugle - Bugle 4152 - Plague!

Episode Date: May 9, 2020

A new wave of plagues are here, will we get the message? Plus, Elon Musk continues to act like he's not real. Plus, some vital venom stats from Chris.We are funded entirely by Buglers! Support The Bugle. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donateWe have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanBaratunde ThurstonNato GreenAnd produced by Chris Skinner. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers. I am Andy Zoltzmutter. It is Friday, the 8th of May 2020. And this is issue 4152 of the Bugle Audio newspaper for a viral world. And exciting news just breaking. The UN has just passed the Security Council Resolution 2519. Declaring that the year is 1999 again. And the world is going to be allowed another swing at the 21st century and with it of course the third millennium which historians have recently claimed was the rubbish is start to a millennium

unrecorded so that's as good news. I guess we can cling to that to discuss the turning back of time and other issues that are actually happening. Joining me from an extremely safe distance in safely distant parts of California, Baratunde Thurston and NATO Green. Hello. Hello Andy. Welcome back Baratunde. Let's have you back on the show. Great to be back. Great to be here with the great NATO Green. What's up NATO?? Hello, Barton, hello, Andy. Hello, bugleers. Shalom all. Nice. Are you saying you've been ill?

Yeah, since my last appearance on the bugle, I got sick. I might have had COVID. Don't know. So I tested negative, had a fever for six days, and I was told to self-isolate until 72 hours after the end of the symptoms. I don't know if you've had a COVID test, but the way that you do it here is that you drive into a parking lot outside the hospital and a small but incredibly powerful Philippine

a nurse in full protective garb, takes a swab, and I'm not that good at estimating distance, but my educated guess is that it was about four meters long. And she takes the swab and grabs me firmly by the back of the neck, like I'm a misbehaving dog who needs to be shown the bad thing he did by shitting on the baby and inserts the swab into my nostril and then straight back. I didn't, I knew that you could go up your nostril but not straight back. I didn't know that was an option. But she held my head so that I couldn't pull away and jam the swab straight back. I didn't know that was an option, but she held my head so that I couldn't pull away

and jammed the swab straight back into my head, and it hurt so much that I peed a little and started confessing to crimes I never committed. I told her where the bombs were planted, I told her how to find Vid Laden, all the things. And so then I was sealed off in a room in my house, and my wife just left food on the floor outside my room. And we dog.

Yeah, we cosplayed like I was in solitary confinement for smuggling rhubarb pie to the prison yard. And she was gonna throw me in the hole until I crack and snitch on the rest of the pie smuggling syndicate. So it's hard, it's a little bit of a weird experience because it's like I was sick for a week with a fever and wondering if I was about to die and either I had a false negative and I did have COVID or I just had a cold and I'm a whiny wimp.

And doctors don't know. Doctors don't know suspending. Well, I mean, that's the thing that, that people have been trying to find a vaccination for being a whining wimp for centuries, millennia, even, and I'm not letting it. Yeah, it doesn't appear that we're any closer to it. Barrett and the Harold things in Los Angeles.

Things are good down here. I'm Safer at home, which is the language of my mayor. And I think NATO and I shared governor as opposed to shelter in places if there were armed gunmen running on the loose, which of course there are because it's America, but not above the other way. And unlike NATO, I'm not going to plead COVID sympathy. I probably had it, but I don't want to talk about it or like kind of create this whole narrative.

Like I'm really tough and I stuck it out. And yeah, I got swabbed too, but you don't want to talk about it or like kind of create this whole narrative. Like I'm really tough and I stuck it out. And yeah, I got swabbed too, but you don't hear me like making up a whole thing. Hopefully I just did my civic duty and shut up about it. So yeah, I'm good. I'm here with my fiance. We are so grateful that we moved from New York City last year knowing this was coming,

but not telling anyone because it would ruin the real estate market. And yeah, I feel pretty lucky. All things considered both about like my specific home situation and my like political home situation to be in the capital of the Western Pacific federated states of America is just really lucky. Like I could have ended up somewhere else and a lot worse things to be happening. Well I made

a surprisingly competent curry this week so it's been a hugely productive time for me. What kind of curry was it Andy? It was a panilla tikka masala. Oh. Yeah. And so very British of you. Yeah, as British as it's post-classic British dish. Just the culinary appropriation of the highest order. Did you cook it by walking over to your neighbor's house and planting a flag on their food? Well, I mean, you know, I mean, it said, we cannot and planting a flag on their food. LAUGHTER Well, I mean, you know, I mean, it's said, we cannot abandon everything that has made the country great.

It is a time of change, but you don't throw all the babies out with all the bathwater. You gotta maintain those core values in the name of rapid change. Yes. We are recording on the 8th of May 2020 and we're celebrating 75 years since V.E. day victory in Europe, the end of the Second World War, European phase, wild celebrations as the world finally cured itself at the disease of Nazism and left itself with an immunity to more world wars, although the, of course, the reichectomy surgery did leave deep scarring and took a considerable time

to recover from it. Sorry, I know it really irritates people using medical analogies to describe a war, but yeah, that's just the way things go. Also today is world donkey day. I don't know, you guys are celebrating world donkey day, the 8th of May If you've written a donkey anywhere or not just gonna chat I make an ass of myself today. Oh there we go There we go. We're in it now. Welcome back I've been shouting it's unlike Donkey Kong at my job in on morning Of course we all bang on about the combustion engine powered flight the the light, the conspiracy theory and cricket is the greatest inventions in history. But what about the donkey? On World Donkey Day, we celebrate the contribution of donkeys to human civilization, great donkey

moments of history, such as when Jesus, the renowned donkey stunt rider, performed the first ever loop the loop on his donkey, Pedro Plod, was his name when he clotted the beast off the top of the Tower of the Temporal in Jerusalem. Of course, the celebrity Spanish writer Miguel de Savannah's Penda Hart, Rending Tale, about a donkey's brush with death after the hungry animal accidentiated bag of what it thought was sugar, but was in fact heroin in his masterwork, donkey O.D. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm literally here all year in this shed. Top story this week. It's getting biblical. The plagues are coming upon us. It was always inevitable. I guess that old biblical plagues that prove so effective back in the day

would make a comeback. And well, NATO as a fellow Jew obviously, we know quite how effective biblical plagues can be in terms of sort of political progress. You are a biblical plague correspondent. Just bring us up to date with the latest plague that have been affecting America. That's right, Andy. So the first thing we should acknowledge is that the last time I was on the bugle was around the Jewish holiday of Passover,

which celebrates the story of the Exodus, which is whence the plagues come. And I wrote a bit of business about some plague jokes that Chris cut from the show. uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh So it has required us to bring back the plague jokes that got cut for time last time. So, you know, in religion, you have these stories that last across thousands of years because of the enduring symbolism and metaphors, and they continue to teach us, and they reach across centuries to teach us and inspire us. For example, these biblical plagues from the book of Exodus in which the Jewish people need to stay in the house to avoid a plague and those kind of metaphors are really powerful today.

In the book of Exodus, there are ten plagues set by God to punish the Egyptians for enslaving the Jews. In this case, we started at the Angel of Death, which makes the other, the previous nine plagues seem kind of not that bad. Like, rivers of blood seems kind of okay, frogs. I could take that. Cattle disease was one of the biblical plagues.

We should all give up beef anyway because the climate change. But so COVID is the angel of death plague and then God in her inevitable in Efebel wisdom said crap I shot my wad at plague number 10. I should have started out at a smaller plague and then worked my way up. You know what I mean? Like I should have started out with a lesser plague like not being able to get the song bittersweet symphony out of your head and then worked my way up gradually to the pandemic. Like if you start out at 10 you have nowhere to go.

So God had to back it up a little bit and so here we are with murder hornets is the next biblical plague that we're facing in the United States, is a species of hornet that appeared in the Pacific Northwest, capable of killing a human. Murder hornets are originally come from Chinese sweatshops, like the coronavirus and mega hats. And the murder hornets are so named for their slaughter phase in which they find honey bees, decapitate them, and then feed the bodies to their young.

And that's how you know that they're a cruel and destructive find honey bees, decapitate them, and then feed the bodies to their young. And that's how you know that there are cruel and destructive species because a more humane murder hornet would eat the entire honey bee and not waste the head. Everyone knows that honey bee cheeks are a delicacy. Murder hornets have a distinctive look. They're quite large, about the size of a matchbox. They're described as having large yellow orange heads, prominent black eyes, and a black and yellow striped abdomen, and their children are named Eric, Donald Jr., Ivanka,

and Baron. But they only love Ivanka. Sorry, that joke was beneath all of us. So, Angel of Death, check, murder hornets, check. What else you got, earth? Gargantuan-fucking-haelstones. There's hail now that's been spotted that is six to nine inches across. The biggest one seen of the Gargantuan-haelstones was in Argentina, but there's also Gargantuan-haelstones turned up in the Dakotas. They can shatter a car window, anything else?

Gypsy Moth infestations which can destroy the entire food supply, the Gypsy Moth is the more politically correct name of that type of moth that were previously called the Queer Kike Moths, but the name has been modernized to be more politically correct. Anyway, so now we've got four of the ten plays. We've got plays, Hornet, Tail, Moth, Moths. I am crying, Uncle. I don't know much you, but I think Trump should let the Israelites go. I get the message.

And in this version of the story, Trump is Pharaoh. Israelites are anyone who doesn't watch Fox News and go means not die. Well, it's some exciting times for Bible fans. Murder Hornets, also known as the Asian Giant Hornets. There is no evidence that they were created in a laboratory researching in St. warfare by Chinese hand in a street emperor, you and D, in the first century BC. We don't know that but no smoke without fire. Trump's

advice if you've been stung by giant hornet, you could be able to cure yourself by swallowing an agricultural pesticide or hitting yourself repeatedly with a badminton racket or other swatting device or leasing swarms of giant hornets so more people get stung thus accelerating the chase for a hornet vaccine. Baratunde, have you ever come across a murder hornet in your travels? Yeah, I call them police. You know, each we have different languages, even though we both speak English, I'm not sure how you refer to them over there. No, I have not come across this particular breed. And I thought it was, it actually gave me sympathy briefly

for I was like, maybe immigrants are bad. Like it just crossed my mind. And I was like, man, this is like a really, I'm in a bad place right now. So I'm like, they don't just call them murder horn. It's like Asian, you know, they're Asian murder, so they have to add this like other label on them. And I'm sure that like does something

deep within our psyche to just avoid those people and blame them for those things. But otherwise, I feel pretty lucky to be among the last humans to experience this planet. That was pretty exciting. If you've never seen a murder horn at a beautyalus picture, a regular B or a wasp that has been cross-bred with someone who makes outright YouTube videos in their bedroom. They basically are that overconfident angry and disconcertingly unhuman.

They're the world's biggest hornet, no less, the size of a matchbox unless you get really long matches. But considering less useful and well-behaved than matchboxes, they're also, if you find the matchbox not a useful size comparison, they're one millionth the size of a football pitch if that is the reference of size that you prefer to use. Andy, could you tell us how big they are relative to a cricket bat? A cricket bat. Well, I'd have to do the calculations on that, but I imagine you could probably, if you froze murder hornets, I'm guessing probably about 400 murder hornets per bat, but I'm not

sure. Andy, give me the length of the hornet, and I'll come back to you of a statin' a little while. Well, it's about two inches long, the murder hornet. Well, it's my suit. I love this real-time research. Yeah, yeah. Matt, this matchbox length, Chris.

But I wish you me some, good, good, good, good, yeah. Could I modify the research assignment, Chris? Yeah. So what I'm interested in is not just a sort of length comparison but actually a volume comparison. So essentially how many murder hornets to combine to replace a cricket bat. That's more interesting to me. Would it actually be useful as a cricket bat? I don't know, get the field as

away from from from around you. Anyway, the, I use the honey from all the dead bees to glue them together. Yeah. Right, we're making progress here as a species. I can feel this. We're trying to survive. As you were saying, the MO of the murder hornet is to invade a bee hive, decapitate the bees, take their mangled corpses back home to feed their Hornet kids.

Then one of their growups will be such bastards. It shows the importance of responsible parenting. Then put the dead bees heads on spikes, pour on Corazzae L'Ez Ultra, hold show trials of any surviving bees to so further despair in the oppressed bee community, then douse the hive in kerosene and casually set it on fire by flicking one of the matches they keep in their own bodies over their shoulder, whilst mouthing unext to an answer nest. In summary, these things do not f*** about. The hail has been a go-to play for deities.

The universe over really since the idea of plagues began. And it's absolute belter, really, as meteorological signs of divine anger go, terrifying, visually spectacular, umbrella-roaning, and make a real dent on a sinful individual's car. The biggest hailstone, yeah, as you said, fell in Argentina back in 2018, and on Tuesday they had hailstones, the size of cantaloupe melons in South Dakota, admittedly only very small cantaloupe melons, the size of golf balls. But still, I think the signs are lock up your firstborns, essentially, you know, but there is a message from this show lock up your firstborn. It's also, it seems to me that we're in the phase of earth's unsuddle messaging to humanity. Like we've been, there's been an attempt to communicate

with us that maybe we've overstepped our bounds a little bit and so you lower the air quality, slowly increase the acidification of the rains and the waters, very minuscule, every year raised the sea level. And now Mother Earth is just like, I'm bombing you with ice. Like that's apparently you're not picked up on these memos. I've been dropping for the past couple hundred years.

So murder hornets and ice bombs. As if no one saw the documentary The Happening, starring Mark Wahlberg, in which the Earth tries to make humans kill themselves to stop destroying the Earth. The Moths in Washington state, which was also the recipient of the murder hornets, well it does slice it as that God-like so many people around the world, mistake Washington, DC and Washington State as the same thing, which I guess is easy to do. Washington State's trees are reportedly deeply concerned, but refusing to move a spokespine for's trees are reportedly deeply concerned, but refusing to move a spokes pine for all trees in the state said, that's just what the Moths would

want us to do. We will not give up our way of life. Given the suffering of Washington State is going for it, I do have to, uh, lure suspiciously at Canada as a possible source of this, right? and misdirecting with the anti-Asian rhetoric But really we don't know and these both striking Washington state puts a lot of suspicion on them right and this is What it was it? What was that 19th century election that came down to basically warm-ungering with Regarding the West Coast states and Canada. Are you talking about the, possibly the presidential election of 1844, in which James K. Polk ran for office and said,

I'm going to do three things in one term, and then I'm not going to run for president again, and those three things are Texas, California, and Oregon. And then he was elected, did those three things through Warren plunder and then left office and dropped dad a month later. That is the kind of political efficiency that we need today. Talk about term limits, man, good news. Talk about a politician not lying on the campaign trail? Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm just looking at other potential plagued. There has been a locused problems in Africa reported on the BBC this week.

There was a plague of darkness in the Bible, a metaphorical darkness, I think that's already in full swing, and the water changing to blood, that could well happen in Britain. We'll know when Health Secretary Matt Hancock announced that the government has achieved a record amount of blood donations as per its target, but only by squirting some red food coloring into tanks of water, which is essentially the way the government meets most of its targets these days. There are other things that could be signs of biblical vengeance. Internet speeds to slow to stream films in HD. That's probably 72% likely to be divine punishment and no sport. I mean, the plague of sportlessness I think is probably the toughest thing humanity's ever. I mean I am as atheistic as a sausage

but even I can tell when the almighty is not all righty. Oh! A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A spiritual leader and overlord, hacked into the Lincoln Memorial this week to do a virtual town hall interview, Stroke embarrassed himself his office, his country as gender and his species, deleted according to political affiliation and or grasp on reality. He sat beneath the feet of the Lincoln statue, which features a 28-foot tall version of the already six-foot 5-inch four-time all-American stovepipe wearer of the year and celebrity assassination victim. About 20 minutes into the interview a strange look came across Abraham Lincoln's big marble face. There was a twitching of the cheek, a foreign of his marble brow,

a twitching of his famous whiskers and then, unless my eyes deceive me, a trickle of urine down his marble leg. Now we've heard of statues of the Virgin Mary crying tears of blood, or indeed tears of tears. Well, here was a statue passing liquid judgment on the man who laughably occupies the office that Abraham Lincoln himself once held. How did you guys feel about this latest installment in Trump's unique four-year performance art piece. I think the current president has been doing his best to live up to the historic achievements of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln was president of course during a civil war which saw the death

of over 700,000 American soldiers and I think this president is working his way up to that number as quickly as possible. And so to be seen in the same light as that president, obviously a little smaller, but he's well on his way to being a great statesman and a great mass murderer of American people. That's as close as I could get to understanding why the hell that would be allowed to happen other than, you know, cult-like obligation on the part of the media that supported it. Well, they're also both known for their great oratory,

you know, Lincoln said, you know, four-square-seven years ago, our four fathers in barclad building a new nation. And Trump said, have you thought about injecting yourself which is infective? So those are both, you know, historic speeches that will be studied by students of American civics for generations to come.

Well, sorry, NATO correction generation, see? That's not what T for. The last remaining generation. I'm more than else to the the two men have in common? I guess the fact that both would be completely appalled by the others version of the Republican party. And both paid hush money to a porn star. I can't, I can't, definitely both had something to do with getting in trouble with an actor. I can't remember if exactly it was.

But the Fox News interview was tore into him like a dead kitten into a nuclear bunker. And basically Trump's it up as only Trump can with a cocktail of delusionist fantasy. That sort of state people's attention away from the fact that he doesn't quite have the courage to go around his country killing people with his own bare hands yet, but do not rule it out, depending on how the polls are looking in September to October. Listen, I had a thought, which happens a couple times a week, and in this case, I was thinking about the willing sacrifice of so many Americans by our current leader, and how they didn't have

to be the case and how he actually could have made a lot of money off of supporting life by having maga masks and selling them through the White House store, big red flaming blood masks that all his followers could wear to prove that they support evil for price and obviously made in China for fair trade. Missed opportunity to make money and make people not die. It's a real shame. I feel personally tragically vindicated by what's unfolded because Trump and a lot of the right wing has been calling for the reopening of the country. And last month I came on the bugle and I told you all, I said, don't get carried away publicizing this thing about how COVID disproportionately kills black people because then the right wing will get excited about COVID.

And sure enough, they got excited about COVID and wanted to reopen the economy. I regret to inform you that the whites are at it again. They want the restrictions lifted so they can simultaneously let black and brown people die while still maintaining enough black and brown people to Pick their vegetables and butcher their chickens and deliver food and do everything else that keeps the economy going They want to have their cake and eat it too and by cake in this context. I mean at the cleansing But the most horrifying implication of this is that now is that I said something on the bugle that then became true

And the idea that the bugle is actually a source of prophecy and predictive power. Let that sink in for a minute. Think about all the bullshit spewed on this podcast. And then the chaos that will ensue when it definitely comes true in the future, get ready for the long awaited Kim Jong-un versus Prince Charles Snooker match.

That is what is going to happen now. Andy did actually predict the bleach three weeks before Trump said it as well, I believe. I can't even remember that. I think, well, I mean, that's often happens when Jewish people start saying and writing things that they just come true. They just can't help it. So these are the anti-lockdown protests or pro-death protests, whichever you want to call them. And ironically, a lot of the same people also pro-life and pro-death. It's a bizarre, on a pro-life until it's out of the womb essentially, then fuck it and take its own chances. But I mean it's kind of curious degree of organized

idiocy isn't it all of this is just what we've come to expect. Yeah so the anti lockdown protests have swept the nations people are showing up in mass and also in mass to defy quarantine and defend their god-given right to infect one another and die. This right is a hallowed American tradition deep in our national DNA. When President Roosevelt gave the Four Freedom Speech in 1941, he talked about it quite explicitly. The Four Freedoms, of course, were freedom of speech, freedom of worship, freedom from

want and freedom from fear. And the anti-lockdown protesters are carrying those freedoms forward today. They're speaking up for their freedom to worship guns and stupidity in order to be free from wanting a functioning respiratory system, and they are free of fear. You don't need masks or taster vaccines. The vaccine can only get you sick if you fear it. That's based on the latest medical research from the Jackass School of Medicine.

Now, people often think that the American right wing is sort of a monolithic blob of ignorant white people, but it's actually quite diverse. And among the anti-lockdown protesters you see libertarians, gut enthusiasts, white supremacists and anti-vaxxers. The full diversity. The full diversity. Yeah, it's called diversity. Yeah.

Our armed white supremacists and anti-vaxxers was the winning combination the world didn't know it needed They go together like projectile vomiting and flesh eating strep like the Spanish Inquisition and slam poetry Like Charles Manson and America's Got Talent like a raging rock hard erection and your grandma's funeral Is how how to use a premises Are white supremacists in Antidevis? I think you know what I'm going to get. I think so. The hard way. Oh, wow.

The thing I've been struck by with the anti lockdown protest is the severe overlap of the all lives matter counter protesters to black lives matter with and the blue lives matters. Take all lives matter, blue lives matter to black lives matter, with, and the blue lives matter. So it's take all lives matter, blue lives matter, then you get a bunch of people screaming without masks on the faces of police officers on the steps of the state capitals of this country. And it just, I don't, maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking maybe they didn't mean it

when they said all lives matter. I don't know, I'm just gonna put that out there bears further investigation. Again, I'll put it in the Chris Skinner research pile. And if you can get back to us by the end of the show with the murder hornet ratio and did the all lives matter community, really mean all lives, that'll be very helpful to us.

I think they meant no lives matter. Hmm. It's fair, it's one of those tricky things. It could be zero or infinity, either one. Right, right. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- extension of stay-at-home orders as fascist. This is not democratic. He tweeted, this is not freedom. Give people back their goddamn freedom.

He'd also tweeted that Tesla shares were overpriced leading to a 10% slump in the company's value and shareholders begging him to build himself a social media-proof nonsense-tight space pod where he can vent his muskings without anyone else having to hear them. The stock, of course, recovered the next day, proving that stock markets remain the bed-wetting morality vacuums that they were before lockdown. So at least there is some comforting normality in these difficult times. He still set for a $700 million payout, Musk, that's the equivalent value of 700 bottles of hand sanitiser at current market rate. that's the equivalent value of 700 bottles of hand sanitiser at current market rate.

And this is despite the fact that Tesla is currently making no cars at all. I don't see that as a problem though, because the thing with Musk is that, I mean, he is obviously entirely fictitious as a human being. So if his company then becomes fictitious in the sense that it's not making anything,

is that not an entirely appropriate logical end point of muskism as a commercial philosophy. I think Elon Musk, you know, in the spirit of kind of biblical and prophetic meandering we've had on this episode so far, he, to me, is a clear sign that despite all of the progress we've made as a society, women can wear pants now, black people can whistle. There's so many new freedoms. A white guy can still do pretty much anything he wants in this society and get overcompensated. He can try his damnedest to get thrown out of the club and he's got permanent VIP status inside the champagne room. There is nothing this man can

do that will get him removed. And that is the ultimate value of Elon Musk. Just to humble us all before the great truth of white supremacy. Elon Musk is a poster child of how unfettered capitalist greed rots your humanity and makes you into a shell of a real human being. He sort of become a profiteering Elon husk. Am I right? That was for some reason that one broke me. I don't know why I was, I was rolling with all of this for the past 40 minutes.

I feel like it would have been funnier if Tom Ballard had set it. I think I have that. It does seem, it seems curious to me, like is Elon trying to get to Mars, or is he trying to convince all of us to go there without him? That's a big question. At the same time, well, all this is happening.

Well, Elon Musk crashed his stock, and then it recovered it and stopped making cars. Elon Musk and his partner Grimes had a baby. Baby boy and the baby's name is spelled X, AE bash together, A12 Musk. And let me unpack that name for you for a second. This is how Grimes explained it. X is the unknown variable, solve for X. The AE is the elven spelling of artificial intelligence, which of course sets up that long awaited legalos terminator crossover buddy flick we've all been waiting

for. And the A12 is the precursor to the SR17, which is Elon Musk and Grimes' favorite aircraft. This raises the question, how rich is too rich? When do you cross the line from market incentives inspiring innovation and entrepreneurship into decadent ad madness? I'd say that line might be the point at which you have a favorite aircraft. Ah, that might be too much.

Are you sure as not, when you have a favorite aircraft and name your child after it? Is that not the case? Second thing in part. In part. But should also say that the Charles Fulename is XAA12 musk, but it is known as XAATWEE for short. So it gets worse.

A pair I've been told, I did some investigation. Apparently that name is actually supposed to be pronounced. Do you know this? No, Kyle. Ah. Because, so here know this? No. Kyle. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah, the Chai. Yeah. Right? And the A12 is the 12th letter of the alphabet, which is L. Right. And never in the history of humanity has spelling X, A, E, A12, A as Kyle. Nothing has ever been simultaneously so pretentious and so lame at the same time. It would be like

when Prince Nate changed his name to the symbol to get out of that record deal and while the symbol visually combined the symbols for male and female, he had announced that it was actually pronounced Dongmeister. That is how stupid this is. How stupid this is. A quick bit of Britain news now. I think still not going too well here in Britain, as we rock it to the top of the European fatality league. A lot of a lot of news about this consignment of protective equipment that we bought from some

dodgy backstreet dealer in Turkey and the flight was delayed and then it's turned up with 400,000 protective gowns that have been described by officials as absolutely fucking useless and the ship was now due to be flown back. Earlier, well last weekend the government claimed it's reached its target of 100,000 tests a day last weekend the government claimed it's reached its target of 100,000 tests a day by the end of April. It achieved this target for two days and that number has now dropped down again. And it only achieved the target by counting test kits that have been sent out in the post, regardless of whether or not they have then actually been used for tests and some of which had no return envelope. So people who rang the help line say what do I do with this?

We're told to just throw it away. So this is basically the government. What it might as well do is just claim that the death figures are nowhere near as bad by sitting next to a corpse waving its arm around, saying, look, he's saying hello. But, you know, he's a strange... It makes you miss Brexit jokes, doesn't it, Andy? Oh, God, yes.

I never thought I'd say this, but just bring Brexit back. You're pursuing a different sort of Brexit now. Slower but more permanent. Yes, just the slow death of all hope and happiness. And people? Yeah. Which is pretty much the subtext of real Brexit. Yes.

I have to admit, when I got to the British section of our news stories, I started of experience and emotion that I hadn't felt in a while, which was happiness, because I felt less alone. And I had been so focused on my own governments, failures at the national level, that had never occurred to me that there were yet more incompetent leaders left in the modern world to join us. And so I say welcome, this end of the pool,

is filled with blood, but it's nice, it's comfy. And it's so good to have you, you have no idea the service you're providing to Americans by being shitty yourselves with the personal protective equipment. Well that pool being full of blood, there you go, there's our water turning into blood plague. Well that, we are approaching the end of this week's. We've all Christy had a couple of statistical queries that you've been busy researching. Yeah, I've rounded up in places, so apologies. But basically, so two inches is the typical Queen Murderhorn, its length. Cricket back blade only, I'm not counting handle.

Right. It's 38 inches, so that's basically 19 head to stinger. Yeah, but the blade is 30 inches by 4.25 Now I went for an open wing span because that looks more dynamic right 7.6 centimeters Yeah, which is about three inches. Yeah, so if you tore some in half It's close as you could, you could get 27 across the blade of a bat with their beautiful fully flexed wings. Now, the depth of the bat is a maximum of 2.6 inches.

So if you went for the full depth of the bat across, you could get the hornets too deep throughout that whole bat. So uncrushed, but with many cut in half, you can fit 54. So that's the volume of a bat holds 54 of the murder horn. But with wing spread, but with wing spread, yeah, because I thought that looked better. But what about now a bit of a flourish? They're all huddled together then. Well, just shit loads would be the answer. Because I think if you're going to, Because if you're gonna have them spaced out with wings spread, you get a lighter bat.

So that supports a more wristy player who likes a kind of touch player. But if you want more power in your Hornet bat, then you're gonna want them clustered together with a bit heavier, but you'll have more Hornets bit more sting in your shot, so to speak. Well, I went for the average bat of 1.3 kilos, which is in the half, was about 292.10 in our money.

And so interestingly on that, the, if you wanna talk about the venom, the weight of the venom in each individual, one of these hornets is four milligrams per kilo, which is whilst it's not the most toxic venom, it's the highest volume of venom per Hornet wasp or B, which means each cricket bat would contain 5.4 milligrams of Hornet venom. Right, okay.

Someday it is possible that sport will resume in the world. I want nothing more in this universe in the world, I want nothing more in this universe than for Andy to say to another announcer and commentator, you know, the cricket bat is equivalent to 54 murder hordes. Sorry Chris, Karyah. I was asked about the All Lives Matter community, which ultimately we know they have the collective empathy of the volume of venom of less than one inside edge of one cricket bat. Well, thank you for listening, Buegel. I'm glad we managed to bring some illuminating facts to this episode. Just before we go the latest on what does definitely not cure the virus, there have been a lot of wacky theories about what does cure the virus.

We at the Bugle likes to balance that out by telling you definitely what does not cure it. Playing water polo without a hat on, no use whatsoever. Covering your face and neck with peanut butter, also of no real help against the virus. Screaming, whenever you see another person, could help in terms of social distancing, that has no actual medicinal value, bearing a set of golf clubs in a public park with blood stains on, that doesn't help. Or indeed, just wanting it to go away, also of no use whatsoever, so to spread those definite facts about the virus. Barrett and they, thanks so much, it's been so delightful to have you back on the show

further. Thanks for having me back. Do come back again. Do you have any other shows or anything you'd like to alert our listeners? Yeah, so I'm doing a live show twice a week at least. It's called Live on Lockdown and it's Thursdays on Instagram live. Sundays are probably the timings that folks in the UK could tune in best. That is 3pm Pacific, which is 6pm Eastern, which is at a particular time in the United Kingdom. But at any rate, all of those are discoverable at baratunday.com slash live. I'm adding things and I put out two email newsletters per week with some entertainment, some definite facts to use your language and some of my perspectives. So find me like everyone else in the cloud.

Nice out. I have a couple comedy albums out that you can pick up the nato green party in the whiteness album, Mr. nato green on Instagram, nato green on Twitter. Follow me on Twitter. If you come for jokes and stay for unfunny and deeply technical analysis of public health policy. That's quite a sales pit. That is the most post-islogant I've ever heard.

Yeah, the way that Andy can bore any non-sport fan to tears with innumerable cricket stats, I can do that with the details of hospital planning policy. And we'll do so. Next Saturday, Bugles, we will have the first lockdown live bugle, which will be, do you know what time yet, Chris? I suggested eight, you thought nine might be better, I don't think we reached a conclusion. All right, well 8 p.m. stroke, 9 p.m. British time, so it'll be early morning New Zealand, Australia time, mid afternoon, or lunchtime on the Pacific side of the USA,

mid afternoon on the East side. I don't know if we've got that many listeners in between, but you never know. Anyway, so that's it. It'll be a live streamed bugle featuring me, Alice and Nish, and do tune in. Tune in for that to see how our technical expertise stands up to that challenge. Thank you very much for listening. Until then, goodbye and we'll play you out as always with some lies about our premium level volunteer

subscribers. Suzanne Wheatley thinks that if telephone inventing superstar Alexander Graham Bell were alive today, rather than in the late 19th and early 20th century, and if the telephone had instead been invented by Bell's great rival, Harding J. Tinkle, then Bell would invent a communications device that enables the living to have video calls with the dead. Suzanne explains, his family all lived ages ago and have long since carcaded so Reckon Bell would invent something to keep in touch with them. Phil Schubertch is much

taken with this idea and despite being no relation of ancient King Nebuchadnezzar II, would like to invite the much criticised Bible-Irace celebrity round to his house for dinner. Phil explains, I reckon he'd be very talkative. After all, he really could babble on. Yes, Phil also wonders whether Nebuchadnezzar's full name was, in fact, Nebuchadnezzal time, but it was shortened, as happened to the formal British politician Michael Hezzar Hezzal time. Johann Benxton was the first person ever to make a sandwich involving avocado, emmental cheese, smoked mackerel, garlic mayonnaise, watercress, plum tomatoes, shallots,

playing cards, a pair of binoculars, factor 30 sun cream, a compass, a road map, and a spare hat. That's the last time I just chucked my pack lunch in the same bag as everything else, when I go for a long walk in the countryside, remembers Johann, who also claims the sandwich was surprisingly edible if not quotes entirely tasty.

On the subject of sandwiches, Alexis Irvin once did some experimental cookery using office stationery. I used a hole punch and made a ring-binded file using toasted for heaters as the covers and onion ringlets as the bindery bits explains Alexis. I then served slices of bacon, lettuce, blue cheese, tomato and portobello mushroom, each with holes punched so they could be filed according to the order in which the sandwich eater wanted them. I was that sandwich eater, and it was absolutely delicious. Alexis was forbidden from using the whole punch, and vowed never to work in an office again. Here endeth this week's lies.

To join them or support the Bugle podcast in whatever way you can, go to the Buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Don't forget Bugle Live next Saturday night, stroke afternoon, stroke next Sunday morning, depending on when you are. It will be on our YouTube channel, which I am reliably informed does exist. Details to follow on the Twitter feed, Facebook and website.

See you all then.