The Bugle - Bugle 4155 - Joe Biden's Solution

Episode Date: June 6, 2020

Andy, Hari and Tom react to the protests in the USA. We hope that at the end of an awful week we're able to make you laugh. Love and solidarity to everyone around the world fighting oppression and injustice.We are funded entirely by Buglers! Support The Bugle. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donateWe have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanTom BallardHari KondaboluAnd produced by Chris Skinner. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Imagine the world wasn't like it is.

Well, I mean, there'd still be that guy and that guy and the one who needs the eye test. But there's also sexy literature. It's not until her showt is coincidentally ripped open during a fight with the winged whiffens of the northern wastes revealing her creamy breasts, the Dermian realises the archer he has been befriending is his left behind love. Water Cravings Hunger

Deep aching longing Try half a glass of water. It won't fix everything, but it'll help a bit. Jim's Jim and Jimnasium Have you been pumping your booty? Booty's are in. They used to be out, but now they're in by which I mean to say they should stick out. That's good now.

Join me, Alice Fraser, on the last post. It's like the bugle, but newspaper for a visual world. Hello squirrel slayers and welcome to issue one of Andy Zoltzmann's Squirrel Slayer Mayhem, a new podcast in which I and his ultimate, former host of the Bugle podcast, share tips on how to master my hit new computer game, Andy Z exaltsman's Squirrel Slayer Mayhem 2, and talk honestly and frankly to squirrel rights activists on why they fundamentally disapprove of the game, mind-dorsement of it, what they are missing out on, and their claimed inaccuracy of what I have been told were hyper realistic splatographics when those

nutstaches explode. Oh well, it's good to dream of a happier world. This is sadly in fact this. This is sadly in fact episode 4155 of the bugle, audio newspaper for a f***ing idiotic world. I have had his ozman. I disapprove of slaying squirrels real or otherwise without scientific or biodeversatitious justification. And I'm here in London, formerly

home of the government of the United Kingdom, now home to a group of political roleplay fetishists locked in an ending performance art piece entitled Big Bad Boruses Vortex of Hope. It's been another shoddy week in Britain and another harrowing one in the former United States of America, where I am joined by Harry Condobolo, who always seems to be a particularly happy week when you're honest That your fault or just the country you live in and the planet on which it and you are currently located I I think it's your fault to be perfectly Oh my fault

You find the worst weeks when things are absolutely it's like that's your way of getting revenge like uh this wouldn't have happened if we never left if you didn't kick us out this wouldn't be happening right now well I feel it's with Trump's president Trump gets impeached whatever is terrible that's when you have me on well I mean it could be any week at the moment to be honest I'm about to fear from an altogether different hemisphere another part of the world, a part of the world, in fact, that Britain after seeing the way America was heading and thinking, I think we'll leave that one, said, I'm saying another go.

From Australia. Tom Ballard. Hello, Andy, squirrel lives matter. It's a pleasure to be with you. And I think what the world needs right now is jokes from a white guy in Australia. So it's a pleasure to be here to help the world heal. Yeah, good, good.

That's very much what I've got you on to balance out my white guy jokes from Britain as well. And so we are recording on the 5th of June, 2020, on this day in 1956, Elvis Presley played his new single Houndog on the Milton Burl show. He scandalized the audience with his suggestive hit movements, and it was a slippery slope, really, the hit wageling of the King of Rock and Roll, led directly to the discovery of sexual intercourse sometime in the early 1960s. 1963, I believe, to be precise. And the subsequent surging

global population Resulting from that because it proved a far more efficient form of procreation than previous techniques of prayer witchcraft stalks and sculpture anything else that happened in the 50s that might be relevant to that year or that's pretty much it No, just that yeah, just that Okay, that's all as always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bend this week We have more lock down podcasts that have recently been released, including a lot of people feeling a lot of worry and tension at the moment and podcasts are tapping into that market. There's a new podcast for hyper-conductor acts with an interest in earth and wear ceramics. That's called terracotta warriors.

Then there's the Fluster Club, which is a show that tells you how to get through a concerning period personally nationally or globally with chicken therapy by pretending to be a chicken or other clucky bird which can reduce tension by anything up to 2.3%. The Fluster Club has top tips from celebrities and chicken officials such as lifestyle guru and feather designer brilliant clayhorn, self-proclaimed YouTube expert Y Yokey Q, and Broody Bryan, the former mascot for the Chattanooga chickens, a very minor league baseball franchise. Also new this week, Aben Lens, dead men talking, it's a computer-generated deep-fake buddy chat between former US President Abraham Lincoln and celebrity, Komme Lenin, as they chew

beyond the grave card with great historical figures, this week, clear patra. Also new, if these walls had ears, episode one of a radical interior decoration show, in which Hoveman Improvement TV star Jemima and Krabler installation artist Granick Part 12 and Corpse, Plastination and Atomis Gunn-Tavon Hagans, let loose and people's houses with spectacular if often nauseating results. Look out for episode two if that ceiling had a nose. Episode three, how much is that kidney in the window? An episode four, well what part of the body would you use as a door handle then? And also, a new show, post-war French songs and healthy salads crossover podcast called Norzino Vinaigrette Ria. Also, when you're writing this stuff, do you have like a TV on in the background that you look over and see what's happening in the world

that you then ignore to go back to writing sections of the vehicle? Because there's some shit going down out there. I've just... I know. I find the heavier the shit going down, the further I need to get away from it. It's the classic British response. Also, there have been a free bugle test track and trace device. If you can't wait for your government to belatedly come up with a functioning COVID tracking system to shoot the viral horse long after the door is bolted, then the bugle's free test track Trace scheme could be for you. Test whether you have the virus by holding an orange to your ear if you hear the sound of gunfire or golf your ill. Track, build a model train set out of odd bits of stuff you

found lying around during lockdown. That should take you a couple of weeks thus keeping you out of circulation quite effectively in preventing you from spreading the virus. And trace, everywhere you go, carry a sound system and play the song, Honky Tonk, Badonkadunk, by country's thing, a trace adkins. People will stay well over two meters away from you. This system is actually considerably more effective than the one recently unveiled by the British government, free from the bugle, also in the pin. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B 670 meter squared stars and stripes that previously resided on a 103 meter high flagpole outside the acuity insurance building in Shaboygan, Wisconsin, was ripped to shreds by a buyer storm, as I said, it was de-striped and star-bunkled by 70 mile an hour winds and experts

have claimed that had this happened in previous times of obvious divine fury, it would have merited quotes at least five to ten verses of an Old Testament chapter or equivalent. Hari, I mean, how much more symbolic could a flag destruction get? Well, let me first say that the Thunderstorm has been banned from the NFL. FL. Um. God, if there is a God figure, uh, he's pretty angry. We've, uh, we've really, uh, f***ing things up. Martin Luther King once said, the arc of the moral universe bends toward justice. But I ask you, Andy, how long is this arc? All right. I mean, it's possible that it bent slightly too far and is now veering further and further away from just Right. That is very much so often do.

Right. Arcs do not have eyes or a great sense of direction. Also. No, otherwise they'd be lines, straight lines. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's a bit homophobic, that one, but fair enough. Oh, I'll just let it go for a minute, Tom. Sorry, I'm delighted about all the news, because I applied for a green card, Lottery visa to the US, and I find out whether that comes through tomorrow. And I think if it does go through, I just can't wait to get over there

because you guys look like you need a good laugh. And I really think that I could be the thing to bring your country together and sort everything out. So fingers crossed, you know? Well, I have been saying for quite some time that one thing that could unify this country is the beating of white immigrants. So that seems to appease all sides.

That's been some, the protest that came in the aftermath of the killing of George Floyd by a police officer who knelt on his neck for almost nine minutes in yet another needless self-inflicted American tragedy. So, America seems almost constitutionally addicted to self-inflicted tragedy. But the protests were some brutally heavy-handed policing. People just shoved to the ground, tear gas without any provocation. What's the...

How are you dealing with this as an American, I guess, fan of peace and progress? We can focus on the negative right now, but I'm going to start by focusing on some of the positive aspects of the protest. They have been packed, despite all these different fears, they've been packed of a variety of human beings, black, white, Asian, gay, straight, priests, teachers, undercover cops, many different types of people, sharing a space, people of many different shades and COVID statuses, all in one place.

But hopefully by the end, we will truly all be equal since we will all have coronavirus. I mean, you know, the protest, like I mentioned, the protest and the subsequent violence and looting has led to increased police presence, but that gave the police a chance to make a man's, to redeem themselves after a couple of centuries of brutality. And in response, the police around the country, pretty universally, they've shot rubber bullets into crowds, blinding several people,

they've tased people, tear gas people, beaten them. I saw a video this morning of an old man being pushed by NYPD and then having his head cracked open. Also, they've stopped people on bicycles and cars heading home after state mandated curfews. They were dragged out of their cars or taken off their bikes, beaten with clubs, tased, sometimes shot at and arrested. Now my question is, how does this protect people currently? I don't really understand this particular safety method. It feels like it's doing the opposite of what it was intended to do. It's almost as if the police have been caught on tape repeatedly killing people unjustifiably

and have never dealt with consequences from our justice system. It's almost as if nothing will happen to them. Well, I mean, there are a lot of talk about your few bad apples in the barrel. They do seem to be a f*** of a lot of bad apples, albeit that it is an absolutely massive barrel, 800,000 or so police officers in the USA. I mean, and it's not helped by, for example, your president highlighting the looting and the violence

to try to discredit and disparage the broad protest movement and belittle or deflect from the fundamental issues behind it. That, to me, makes as much sense as saying, well, I thought Brazil played a brilliant game in that 2014 World Cup semi-final with Germany because they happened to score one goal at the end. It somewhat ignores the seven goals Germany scored before the bigger, more relevant picture. I mean, is there any solution to this issue of policing in America? It's really hard as an outside, I'm sure you find this as well, Tom, to sort of understand this issue and

obviously it goes back decades. One thing people have talked about is defunding the police, lowering their budgets, using that for more preventative strategies, such as after school programs and schooling. Joe Biden actually had a very interesting proposal, which was that the police should shoot people in the legs. Right. So it doesn't really fix the problem.

What it does is it just has the cops shooting people Lower in ways that will still hurt them, but might not kill them and as other people have pointed out It's a very Democratic party thing to do We don't want to piss everybody off. So we'll skew to the middle Police like killing people. Citizens don't like being killed.

We need to find an in-between position. Let the police shoot, but not kill. B-B Americans are particularly upset about this and have repeatedly on social media and in person have asked black people, is this what Martin Luther King would do? A man of peace. A couple of points to this. First of all, Martin Luther King said, a riot is the language of the unheard.

I know it's not the, I have a dream single that he's known for it is a bit of a b side but still i think it was it was it was a hit in south africa uh... second point mok did speak of non-violence and uh... then white people shot and killed him uh... so i don't know if we can really, you know, as white people, I don't think white people can really have the moral high ground on this.

Well, I mean, should have shot him in the leg, I reckon, Harry, that would have been the democratic solution. The classic, the classic compromise. Between shooting someone, I'm not shooting shooting someone shooting someone in somewhere different. I mean, it is rich, rich people loot too. It just looks different. Like poor people are breaking into department stores and taking TVs. Like rich people, what is disaster capitalism in New Orleans and Puerto Rico? The increased respirator costs because states are forced to bid against each other.

Bernie made off. Apparently, apparently it's only looting if you steal less than $500 and actually put in some physical labor. Yeah, I mean, looting economics, you know, it's very much how you define it. And thank you very much for not referring to the British Museum in that little bit. Yeah, colonialism is fun, but Nike, not so much. Oh, but while we're on that, I will say that, you know, black people were literally looted. Yes, that's all I just want to say. And on that subject, thanks also to Spike Lee, who interviewed by the BBC this week,

outlined some of the slight flaws in the history of the USA, that the contribute to the current situation. He said the land was stolen from native people. Genocide was committed against the native people and ancestors were stolen from Africa and brought here to work. So the foundation of the United States of America

is genocide, stealing land and slavery. And he did not mention Britain by name once. Thank you, Paul. Thank you. You are a hero in this country. Much appreciated. Truly, this is an end-exultimate joint that you're listening to everybody. Donald Trump has been leading from the front, as always, so I'm not leading from the front, leading from in front of his computer screen tweeting shit. One of the most extraordinary things, even by his standards, tear-gassing a peaceful protest so he could walk to church to waggle a Bible around in front of cameras. That was a piece of performance art, wasn't it? I mean, he was legally allowed piece of performance art. Wasn't it? I mean, he was legally allowed to do it.

There's amendment two, subsection four, two, four, the right to clear streets with noxious substances. If you want to waggle a Bible round in front of a church. So it is a constitutionally allowable. But it did strike me, and I'm, you know, I'm not a Godfairing man, I've made clear on this podcast over the years, and also that is an entirely mutual feeling. God is not a ultimate fearing deity. But when Trump held that Bible aloft, that

surely another moment to prove that God either does not exist or is at best on an extended sabbatical or maybe has swung back right wing in his old age after a brief dalliance with hippie-ish benevolence some time ago. Now, if he was on form and in existence, then surely, the spire on the church behind Trump would have transformed into a middle finger, and the clouds would have formed into the words, you can hold it, now try fucking reading it.

Pfft! Also, I mean, Trump only posed in front of the church after it was reported that he hid in an underground bunker as all dictators do at some point. Some people loved it though. I tell you, love is the evangelicals, right? A lot of people watch this. They describe Trump's stunt as a Jericho walk,

which refers to the biblical book of Joshua, where God commanded the Israelites to work seven times around the opposing city of Jericho, whose walls then came crashing down. And if there's one activity Donald Trump is enthusiastic about, it's wall demolition. No! He loves walls! If a bunch of Mexicans tried any that battle of Jericho shit at the US border, Trump would get mad dog mad us to send in the Marines and shove those trumpets up their Marriarchies What the fuck are you talking about? There were some evangelicals who loved the whole Bible thing where he's in front of the church They said that he was wearing the armor of God

Which which is a very weird thing to call male spanks. That was crazy. I mean, surely if there is an armor of God, it kind of begs the question, why didn't God said some of that armor in the direction of his one and only son Jesus Christ of Nazareth to protect him from Andy Zoltzmann's ancestors? I mean, so that would have helped. He was guilty. For Trump to pose for a photo of the Bible is like me wearing a ban cricket now shirt. Absolutely unacceptable. As always, you know, we don't know, it's easy to pass comment on on misreadings of the Bible, but recently rediscovered gospel according to St Alvin, perhaps give some justification for Trump, and I read from Alvin chapter 14 verse 5 and following.

And Jesus did say unto Peter, let us go unto the temple for there I must speak unto my people. But Lord said Peter, there is verily a great multitude blocking the road to the temple. Wherefore so, Peter asked Jesus for he knew not wherefore, or so. I'm not entirely sure, Respondless Peter, to be honest boss, but it sounds like they might be complaining about the quality of the fish finger sandwiches you fed them last week. What? Retorted Jesus. They were fucking free. Some people are never fucking satisfied. Assurredly Lord, they were a bit rank added Andrew. I spent three days in shall we say,

eruptive abdominal turmoil. Lord. Anyway, demanded Jesus. Can't we get these people out of the way? I've got a new parable I want to try out about a man who won big at the casino and bought everyone a round of drinks. And Peter did ask,

well how should we move the people who are in the way Lord? And Jesus replied, I can turn that pigeon into a tear gas canister. That was shit, if I'm being honest with you. Or maybe we could get Simon to charge it them on an arm of donkey. And Simon did say, Yeah, let me out of them.

And Jesus did say, always love your enthusiasm, Simon, top work. And Jesus did see Thomas tentatively raising his arm. And Jesus did say, not now, Thomas, not now. There we are. Amen. Amen. Have a great night, 14.

Yeah. I reported it, ask him, is that your Bible? And he replied, it's a Bible. It's really, is something that someone would say, if they just looted and stolen a Bible. But I think the greatest question was someone who's asking, Mr. President, what are your thoughts right now? And Donald Trump replied,

we have a great country that's my thoughts, which could be the most American response to a question ever given. It's a simplistic nationalism that doesn't mean anything. It blatantly disregards reality, and it is grammatically offensive. We have a great country, that's my thoughts, is everything you need to know about the United States of America in this moment.

Sorry, Ipluribus Unum, you had a good run, the new official motto for this fading superpower, is we have a great country, that is my thoughts. Write it on the tombstone, RIP America, 1776 to 2020, we have a great country. That is my thoughts. Ha ha ha. So you get his burger dress. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha essentially threatened to deploy the military on his own people. What would

generally be described as strong man politics and strong man politics of course generally means unbelievably weak man politics. How are you excited about you know because you pay all your taxes for the military and generally you don't actually get to see them do their stuff Along a long way away. Yeah, you think what am I getting value here as a taxpayer? I actually see them you know apply to get direct usage out of it if you're out there on the street That must be quite rewarding for you, isn't it? Oh, yeah, it's great. I'm like. What are the newest missiles? What does a nuclear attack look like? It's interesting how people have different leaders

that they follow, JFK or Lincoln, some say Churchill, you have these different figures that you look up to as a leader. I didn't think Bashar would be one of them i've been you know the military on his own people that is the kind of leadership i'm looking for i mean he again he's following the dictators handbook to a t once he cancels the election

and starts worrying military uniforms we're in a full on dictatorship. And all I have to say is finally the much needed change to our political system we have been asking for. Trump claimed he was an ally of old peaceful protesters continuing a long and proud tradition of white people identifying as allies of people of color and then immediately calling the cops. It's a dance as old as them. Trump's threatened to send it to the military, which I think is a great solution.

I think as we all know Andy, when you send the American military into a place, that place gets better. Okay? Truly, the US military is the hydroxychloroquine of foreign policy. It is the cure for whatever IELZ you, and if you want to convince me that sending in US troops only makes things worse. I'm sorry, my friend. You'd have to provide me with upwards of 35 examples

and nothing less. I just love it. It's just like premium Trump logic. We have a problem with cops. What should we do? More cops. Not just cops, the military who are like the fucking maxi cups. Multi cups. He also said it was committed to prosecuting all those who

threaten innocent life and property. So presumably that means anyone is welcome to threaten guilty life, aka a significant large proportion of the American police force, and guilty property. And I say thank you, President Trump. After lockdown, there are a shitload of genes that are guilty of not fitting me anymore. And now with your permission, I'm gonna bash the f*** out of them.

He's also been putting out Threats via Twitter too, tweeting earlier in the week, when the looting starts, the shooting starts, which is delightful. I think if we're gonna have fascism in America, let's make it rhyme, yeah? When the looting starts, the shooting starts. If the social order is rockin', cops will come and knockin'.

When revolution begins, we'll shove you in the bin. When hundreds of thousands of distress and oppressed working class people have finally had enough of centuries of state sanction violence and economic exploitation and collectively rise up in righteous anger to demand nothing less than justice and equality the shooting starts I mean now it doesn't rhyme but I still think it tracks Well it's blank verse you can do anything in poetry Former defense secretary Jim Mattis as the former mentioned mad dog has come out really strikingly strongly against Trump. He left the

administration a couple of years ago, but as largely kept his counsel since then, he said, this week, Donald Trump is the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people, does not even pretend to try. We are witnessing the consequences of three years without mature leadership. Now for any listeners to the people for whom English is not a first language, that is a very polite way of calling someone a total c*****. How much impact does this intervention by Mattis had in the debate. I mean, at this point, I don't think it's going to have a huge amount of impact until we have the military coup I've been asking for for three years. We have not had a military coup in this country.

We need it, right? Because once we have a military coup, it'll be a lot easier for all of us to get the refugee status we need to go to other countries. I like Trump. Trump certainly didn't read the response. He was probably told Mattis said something and he responded by saying that Mattis was the world's most overrated general. Which, what a great history channel documentary that was. Or at least a BuzzFeed list. Who's ranking generals? Where is the general ranking? Also, you hired him.

Why did you hired him. What do you want? So overrated. Why did you hire him? I'm not a fan of Mattis. I'll take any criticism of Trump from any leader at this point, but let's just really think about this guy. I mean, as you say, Andy, he said he's the first Donald Trump as the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people. Suggesting that Mattis was indeed literally born yesterday.

Now if he was, in fact born in 1950, meaning that his lifetime is featured several US presidents who divided the American population, for example, all of them. Now, he was leading US Marines in his assault on Fallujah, okay? That's how psychotic Trump's response to the situation is, even war criminals with the nickname Mad Dog are going to settle down, dude.

Take it down a notch. Just a bit of background. In 2004, Madison was on a panel discussing the lessons to be learned from the Iraq war. And he said, actually, it's a lot of fun to fight. It's fun to shoot some people. You go to Afghanistan, you got guys who slapped women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil, guys like that,

ain't got no manhood left anyway, so it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them. Madison proceeded to pull two pistols out of holsters on his belt, shoot them repeatedly into the air, yelling yee-ha, and making no effort to hide the fact that he clearly had an erection. He was a rock guy. He was also, when speaking to a group of soldiers about how to behave in Iraq during a 2003 speech, he said this, Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet, which is great advice if you're a soldier in Iraq,

or indeed just in life, interacting with friends and families, or doing satirical podcasts. Remember Andy, I have a plan. Never let me down, that's all I've done. Never let me down as a live motto. Mattis continued, at the same time we must remember Lincoln's better angels and listen to them as we work to unite. And I think Donald Trump once owned a strip club called Better Angels. LAUGHTER Mattis he sort of wrapped up the statement by saying,

only by adopting a new path, which means, in truth, returning to the original path of our founding ideals, will we again be a country admired and respected at home and abroad. So, interesting tactic there. In order to be admired and respected in the future, America should be more like it admired and respected in the future, America should be more like it was way back in the past. That is some sweet, sweet mad dog advice, Jimmy. I hate to break your heart, man. The only way America is going to be admired and respected

at home and abroad anytime soon is by wearing a giant pair of grout-trow marks glasses and using a very convincing Canadian accent. Well, I mean, it is building up to a fascinating election in November. Well, I think what we've learned about democracy in recent years around the world, especially in systems that don't require a majority of voters, is that democracy does not give people what they want. It gives people what they fail to vote against. And we are seeing that played out in the harrowing terms in America at the moment. The Global Response I was really shocked about the global response to this.

The fact that all over the world in a variety of cities with different populations, people marched in solidarity with what's happening in the US regarding police brutality. The thing I'm shocked most about is that people did this despite the fact that we would never do that for them. We would never march for another country's issues. We don't know other countries issues. At no point since Mandela, we haven't done a goddamn thing. Honestly, it's serious, would have been a good march. Libya could have had a good march.

What's happening in Hong Kong? That's a good march. None of it. So again, another example of how rest the world really thinks America is cool and is willing to support causes just so. We like them them. I mean there really has been a global response. I'm going to a protest in Australia tomorrow. I mean we do have our own wacky issues when it comes to race and policing ourselves. Just this week a video came out of

a New South Wales police officer slamming an indigenous boy's face right into the concrete. Our friend is being arrested, kicks his legs out from underneath him, slams his head right into the concrete there. And the New South Wales Police Commissioner defended the officer, claiming that the officer had a bad day. Him among us, Andy, when having a bad day hasn't swept out a young black kid's legs and smashed his face into the ground. I mean, hey, we all hate Mondays. I think it's understandable. We all have bad days at work, even comedians. I guess the main difference is when we have

a bad day at work, Andy and Harry, we wear the ones to die. Whereas, you know, when it comes to police, it's a different, all right, tough to get jokes out of this. But the police commissioner thought that the officer shouldn't be treated too harshly, pointing out that he had a clean history. That was the phrase he used, this particular officer, had a clean history, you know, just like Australia. And the police minister, David Elliott, defended the officer too, saying he was horrified by the language used by this indigenous kid during the incident. Wow, what a f**king face who fully sucks like an absolute dog f**king. More poetry.

It's been a, well, I'm arguing the most poetic do the word I've ever had. Historically racist statue news now and the governor of Virginia Ralph Northam has announced that the statue of the Confederate General Robert E. Lee in the city of Richmond will be removed. The statue was unveiled in 1890, a quarter of century after the Civil War ended. It did definitely, definitely end. Are we absolutely sure that it did end? I mean, paper, right. So I mean, it's amazing how in century these statues are and it's something hard to, I mean, we have it in Britain here that, you know, we have statues into a falgar square of people who got a little bit lively during our imperial phases. Certain residents of India at the time might remember where they still

alive. But it's just seems as if it's time to move on. Now, I mean, even Robert E. Lee, who even Robert E. Lee himself was not a fan of these monuments, he said after the war ended, I think it was a not to keep open the source of war, but to follow the examples of those nations who endeavoured to obliterate the marks of civil str 130 years on, it's still a beacon for racists. I mean, is it time now to just melt down all these statues and turn them into giant puppies? Because everyone loves puppies. Would that not be a great symbol of unity? Melt down all the civil war statues and have a giant puppy in every town in city in America.

Hang on, what color are the puppies? Exactly, which, how do they identify? I love this story. in every town in city in America. Hang on, what color are the puppies? Exactly, which, how do they identify? I love this story. The controversial statue will be put into storage as soon as possible, the governor said, why are you putting it into storage? When are you planning to whip it out again?

Are you gonna take it out of storage when America fixes racism? No! As Andy says melt the statues down Turn them into toilets so African Americans can shit into them as much as possible There's your truth and reconciliation people! Hashtag black shits matter! Come on! I mean they... they lost. They just have to come to terms with the fact they lost it's over stop fighting the same war you look I sympathize I'm a met's fan you know what I mean

I know I know what it feels like to lose to the Yankees come on that's a baseball civil war joke come on now that's not. That was very good. Thank you. Good to love again. Small history and politics all in one. That is pretty beautiful. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I That lost to war with the US right that's what the Confederacy was you can't get away with that with any other war You know, I mean like we're not even in war with Iran and Iranians can't even put their flags up because I know what would happen if they had their flags up on their porters, they'd be killed or they'd be beating up Iranians don't even like call themselves Iranian

They've been calling themselves Persian for like 40 years Everybody's been per and they say their Persian because it sounds European. Right? It's like, hey, are you a Iranian? No, not Persian. Ah, somewhere in France then. Other world news now and the Boris Johnson government is massively in favour of huge amounts of immigration in a surprise turnaround from everything it said and done during the course of its existence. Boris Johnson has said that Britain will extend citizenship to up to 3 million Hong Kong citizens. Hong Kong was a British colony until 1997 and the final phase in Britain's

cac-candid dismantlement of its empire. I say final phase, at some point we might accidentally sell Gibraltar to North Korea on eBay. Let's not put it past us to just one last crack at the big time. And with the current situation in Hong Kong, Johnson has made this offer of situation in Hong Kong, Johnson has made this offer of citizenship for up to 3 million people and in response, a nasal forage said, ah for fuck's sake! That's the joke, that's all you have. Well, on that happy note, it's time to bring this issue of the bugle to a close. Thank you very much for listening. Next week we have a regular bugle. Plus, on Saturday evening, British time, we will have the inaugural bugle live quiz.

Technology permitting. Chris is looking mildly confident as I say that. And now his head has gone fully into his hands. I mean, I still, I'm still waiting for an update on what the rules and format are, but... Oh, yeah, well. ...meer detail like that is not important. Yeah. Deadlines are a great motivator, Chris. Let's get that.

Two weeks after that, we'll have another live stream. Bugles are the quiz on Saturday, the 13th, a live stream, Bugle on Saturday, the 27th of June, and regular shows, as well. Anything you would like to alert our listeners to, Jens? Well, my Netflix special, War on Your Relatives is still available. They have not taken it off Netflix yet, which I'm assuming they will do at any time even though they made it. And also, W. Kamau Bell, Ahamey Filet, J. Uluo, and I produced Duane Kennedy's debut album, he's a legendary Chicago comedian, 30 plus years in the business, and we finally released

his first full-length album called Who the Hell is Duane Kennedy, and it's available on Spotify and Bandcamp and a bunch of other places. So if you want to buy it, buy it if you just want to listen to it, listen to it. But it's, I think it's I think it's the best record of the year. I produced it also. Tom? I have a podcast called Like I'm a Six-Year-Old where I talk to people about their politics and about the state of the world. There's not as many jokes as this one, but there's a lot of earnest feelings and solutions to all the problems. So please check it out if you like. There we go. Thank you for listening, Buegelus. We will play you out as always with some lies

about our premium voluntary subscribers to join them with either a one-off or recurring donation to keep the Buegel going and independent. Please go to the the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Chris Laws believes you can predict the future based on the arrangements of oranges at market stalls. He explains it is all dependent on the place mental relationship between oranges with a bit of stalk still attached, oranges with no stalk, and oranges wrapped up in that funny paper that oranges are sometimes wrapped in. I've not completely worked out what events are harbaged by what orange arrangements continue to Chris, but I know there's a

correlation. For example, in 2011, I saw five stalkler oranges in a row above five stalked, each row sandwiched by two wrapped, and just a fortnight later, Colonel Gaddafi was killed. So, well, that's all I'm saying. Odd Magna Jordel disagrees and says that the best way of prognosticating what is to come in the universe is the ancient art of harryspicy, which largely involved poking around in the entrails of dead animals and getting the future based on that. Many people think the art of the harryspics is of no relevance in today's hyper-technological ised world, says odd magna, but I've played the stock market space both on the advice

of a guy named Cliff at the pub who claimed he's got a system, and by looking through the entrails of roadkill animals, and, well, those dead badges have made me a sweet fortune, whilst Cliff owes me several points. Johan Thorn is not a fan of the horizon. It's overrated, big time, moans Johan. I prefer places and come to think of it people who don't just keep running away when you approach them.

I would not trust the horizon as far as I could kick it, even though I don't know how far that is, because it won't sit still like a good horizon. Johan adds, And no wonder there was a load of compromising on the road to Glen Campbell's rhinestone cowboy horizon. It's a bloody long road. Someone known only as Bagger has learned two important lessons over the past ten years. One, do not use the phrase, they'll have your guts forgotten when talking to someone

you know has a tendency to take things a little too literally. And two, do not buy a crocodile from a catalogue without reading the full item description first. Baggera calls, I had assumed it would be a toy. And finally, Donaise Deets has been thinking about the least appropriate syllable in the English language, and has come to the conclusion that it is a close run thing between the cute cute in execute, the few in funeral, the BYE in heart bypass, the treat in treaty, and the wreck in hysterectomy. They all seem a bit callous really, says Donais, especially the cute in execute.

I think some of these words are long overdue, a bit of a freshening up for everyone's sake. Here end if the lies. Goodbye.