The Bugle - Bugle 4157 - Fart The Police

Episode Date: June 20, 2020

Andy, Alice Fraser and Helen Zaltzman reflect tour global news stories, including gaseous Austrians, incompetent Brits, cheeky Kiwis and sexy American TV.We are funded entirely by Buglers! Support The Bugle. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donateWe have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserHelen ZaltzmanAnd produced by Chris Skinner. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Imagine the world wasn't like it is.

Well, I mean, there'd still be that guy and that guy and the one who needs the eye test. But there's also sexy literature. It's not until her showt is coincidentally ripped open during a fight with the winged whivins of the northern wastes revealing her creamy breasts, the Dermian realises the archer he has been befriending is his left behind love. Water Cravings Hunger

A deep aching longing Try half a glass of water. It won't fix everything, but it'll help a bit. Jim's Jim and Jimnasium Have you been pumping your booty? Booty's are in. They used to be out, but now they're in by which I mean to say they should stick out. That's good now.

Join me, Alice Fraser, on the last post. It's like the bugle, but newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 4,157 of the Bugle, the world-renowned scientific research audio journal that will confirm this week that horses are in fact quintrapets they have a hidden fifth leg shaped like a head, but no actual head. That the melting point of ice cream varies depending on flavour by up to 1000 degrees Fahrenheit, and the volcanoes are 99% psychological. That's why they don't happen in Britain, because we're mentally tougher than other countries. I've said it now, don't argue, you cannot rewrite history.

I am a still shed bound, and exaltsman and what little grass by Haddon reality before this lockdown has long since disappeared and judging by the news, I'm not alone in that mentioning no entire cabinets full of unhinged delusion Iacal government ministers. It is Friday 19 June 2020 and it is a huge, subligion, bugle welcome back to someone who, well if it transpires that making podcast is the early 21st century equivalent of 18th and 19th century imperial pillaging and exploitation. There are going to be statues of her everywhere in the world, all the way from down the 823 stroke M20 from London in Brighton, the city of Barmits for itself. It's the former baby, sorry first impressions last, Helen Salzmann.

Hello Andy. Hello, Helen. first impressions last Helen Salzmann! Hello Andy! Thank you for already poisoning people's opinions of me as a statue person. Don't fight it, don't fight it. The most maligned kind of person in the world today. It's better that we talk about it than just brush it under the carpet. No, with our mum it's better that we don't talk about it, just FYI. Telegraph subscriber. How are you? I'll find, I mean we probably should catch up off Mike and... Yeah, I guess so, yeah, this got, I guess not really what this, this, this shows about.

Also, joining us, we're even further south, just keep going past the end of the M23 until you reach Australia, basically. And joining us, as long as the allegedly Chinese government launched cyber attack on Australia has not disrupted our internet link, it's Alice Fraser. Ni Hao Andy, how are you? And may I just say that Xi Jinping is truly deserving of his lifelong democratic election to office. It goes deep. It goes very deep. How's Australia about them having been downloaded by China?

By the sounds of it? Well, yeah, it's been hacked by an unknown malicious state actor. A lot of our government websites have been hacked. Our Prime Minister Scott Morrison is not naming the country, although various other people suggest that the only people who have the means and motive may indeed be located in China. But of course Scott Morrison doesn't want to say that for what he calls political reasons. And also we all got a text today from ourselves on our own phones that said it definitely wasn't China, so that's good to know. Sounds legit. If a government website is hacked, have there been examples of those websites

becoming better as a result? Because a lot of governments are not run by digital natives. Please, please, if you're listening China, hack our website, hack our government websites. We need it. Yeah. Just make it easier for us to pay our taxes and follow returns. I'm not saying take over the entire government. Just a bit of IT know how would go a long way. I don't know. I'd consider it right now. It's the 19th of June 2020, which means it's summer solstice this weekend. Only in the world's greatest hemisphere. Of course you southern losers it's the Estival festival itself mid-summer although it would not be entirely surprising if our government who in Britain announces that actually the longest year the year this year will be sometime in mid to late October due to unknown

procedural difficulties. Boris Johnson is 56 years old today coinc Coincidentally, he was born on the same day, same year, as American singer-songwriter musician from the band The Verve Pipe, Brian Vander Ark. And ironically, Ark is one of the many public projects that Johnson would undoubtedly have fucked up royally if he'd been in charge at the time. Mr Johnson, that's not an arc, that's a raft made of sausages and you put the zebras next to the lines and you're holding up an obvious plastic dove with a bit of cardboard that looks a little bit like an olive branch in its mouth. It's a world beating arc, frabble-frable, now is not the time to argue about sausages. Look, look, Davy says everything's fine, Churchill was a dreamboat, frabble-frable-frable. So Brian Van der Arck, same birthday as Johnson.

Oh, so ironically. Doesn't every Eton alum get an arc? Sorry. Doesn't every Eton alum get an arc? It's part of, well, it's privileged. It's a metaphor for privilege, Andy. That's why they have the Olympic-sized rowing lake, I think, so they can have some arc practice.

They get their butlers to build them in CDT class. Brian Van der Arck, same birthday. Also, ironically, a van is the kind of vehicle Johnson would hide in to avoid having to answer an awkward question from a journalist. Rumor is that he's going to use his parliamentary majority to force through a new law, enabling him to park a van in the House of of common so whenever he gets asked something that he can't or more likely won't or even more likely can't be asked to and would probably bring down his ungovernment if he did answer. That sentence has got out of control. He can just pop in the back of the van, slam the door shut and

have one of his cabinet licks, spittles drive him off to the loving embrace of his handler in number 10. So Brian van der Arck also ironically, der is the kind of term Johnson would use when mocking someone less expensively educated than him and Brian is a word that if you heard Johnson saying it you would assume it was an outdated racist term just because it was coming out of his mouth. And also also ironically Van der Arck's band The Verve Pipes debut album in 1992 was entitled I've suffered a head injury which is what more than 38 million people in Britain have done as they slam teapots and other household utensils into their own heads in frustration and bafflements at how John's nose dealt with the Covid crisis whilst the band's quiet.

Do you call this dealing? Well, dealing, I even wrote dealt with in inverted commas, but I don't think that came across in the way I delivered it, Helen. So you picked me up entirely correctly there, dealing with, yeah, it seems a bit generous. Or having a big, runny shit over. Is that a synonym? Potato potato. The verb pipes follow up album was called villains and you can write the rest of that

bit yourself. So a couple of Seren Dippadus shared birthdays there. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week a very sad week for British music with the death of not one, but two leviathons of wartime warbling, Dame Vierilin, unaccountably passed away at the age of 103. I mean, once you've made it to a century,

you've got to capitalize and make it a big one. I mean, so many people relax off the reaching three figures and just give it away the next five to 10 years. But aside from Vierilin, also her contemporary and sometime rival Bernard Slaget also bit the big one, or perhaps more appropriately, the age of 105 nibbled the little one. Slaget rather different in style to Lin's sentimental serenades and nostalgic numbers expressed a distinctively British cantankerousness and sense of existential ill will, known as the

Shrieking Beat Troot for his tendency to turn a somewhat crimson shade when barking out his most hostile and an absurperous numbers. Slaget kept Britain cranky during the dark days of the early 1940s, helping maintain the righteous national fury that drove so much of the war effort. His top ten war time hits included do that again and I'll chin you, Herman, as well as defiance, but it's anthem, is that all you've got for its E-fly fly. Not to mention the gramophone trembleingly aggressive hymn to the home front, the turnip song. And of course, the double A-side platinum selling hitler is a total shithead, and actually I love powdered eggs. Like so many music stars, Slaget had a colourful personal life, and was romantically linked at different times with amongst others, the Duchess of Memory, who was 783rd in line to the throne of the time.

Winstona Churchillada, wartime London's leading female Mexican Churchill tribute act, e-need from the local chip shop octogenare in former Wimbledon champion Mord Watson, unrequited as confirmed by ensuing libel action, and after a graphic interview in tennis today. The Gossip Columns also linked him with the dead 19th century author Elizabeth Gaskell, following what became euphemistically known as the British Library incident, and after a characteristically furious and drunken evening in London, the statue of Queen Victoria outside Buckingham Palace.

Slaggett found success harder to come by in the less confrontational post-war years, although as official songwriter Laureate during the final wine down years of the British Empire, he produced classics of national self-justification, including what's the problem we've left you a hedge, let bygones be bygones, even if they've only just gone by. The retro musical style, you can't look in the mirror if you've thrown it in the bin. The Dylan inspired don't think twice, it's probably not all right. And the official British independence hand over Validiction anthem, you're welcome, don't mention it, brackets, please I really mean that. Sladget's attempt to redefine himself as a punk provocateur in the 1970s failed to

rekindle his form of fame, although his spoken word album of social gripes post-garde from Grumbleshire did cause a minor right at a swimming pool in Harrogate and a still unpublished government inquiry. In his later years, he was employed by a karaoke bar to accelerate the departure of Cleantel after closing time, and Slaget continued to perform past his hundredth birthday, despite four larynx transplants and numerous chord orders. Figurson, the music industry, paid tribute after his passing, Hannah Spirit, former member of S-Club 7, now leads a Bruno that ports Stanley Opera House in the Faulkland Islands. Described as singing voice, as quotes, a uniquely and uncompromisingly intrusive growl

ross that none of Bradley Paul or John could come close to matching, whilst Willie Nelson commented that Slagic did not inspire him to become a country singer. Bernard Slagic, who sadly died this week. That obituary in the bin. Good-esque club googling Andy. Gugling? That was one of the few things I didn't need to google. Don't stop, never give up. If you had high and reach the top. Don't stop, never give up. If you have high and reach the top. Vienna was fined 500 euros for flatulentializing, loudly in front of police officers. Not just loudly, Andy, provocatively. Yes, well, Helen, you are, of course, our landlocked continental European countries and

flatulence legislation correspondent. Bring us up to date with what went on. Well, this man, this father, was sitting on a bench, he was having some kind of, as described by police, prolonged, unruly and disrespectful interaction with them, and then he got up and did a big fart. And they said, of course, they said on Twitter, of course, no one has reported for accidentally letting one go.

So as with so much of the law, intent is key. There must be a mens rare as well as an actous rarest. It's a provable intent, it's relevant here. I'll let he who's not used a purpose and assault weapon throw the first wind, say I. Good to bring a bit of lawyer's expertise to this, Alex, thank you. Last year, a man in Scotland farted intentionally whilst being bodily searched by police and got 75 hours of community service. Right, well, yeah, 500 euro fine for the perpetrator here.

For the olfactory infraction. He was fined under the audible gaseous discursus he subsection of Austria's offending public decency act. He was said to have, as you say, let quote, let go a massive intestinal wind, apparently with full intent. This provocative, proclamation following an encounter with the police who insists that the accused performed an unwarrantedly confrontational ex-flagrutham. I mean the maximum sentence in Austria for

nasally discomforting a police officer is 35 years in jail and a lifelong artichoke consumption banning order but the police let him off with a 500 euro fine because we're backlogging the Austrian court system caused by a combination of lockdown Brexit and vegan schnitzels. I wonder if in America they would have tried to shoot the fart. I think one can only assume that they probably would have done. It's got to use the facilities. The police in Austria noted that the man may appeal against the penalty if he feels that it was unjustified, though it may be difficult for him to find a lawyer who will open the pleadings in the traditional manner of offences of this kind, which is,

mum! Yeah, well, it's good actually. Don't you think, you know, with so many laws and social customs that have gone out of the window during lockdown, so you're Austria trying to keep some semblance of social order? It does seem that as a nation that Austria these days is a little more sensitive to the need to stamp down on the early sides of social and political rebellion for whatever reason. And no, no judgment on the man from us here in Britain where just four years ago 17.4 million of us voted for better out than in regardless of the impact on others. It just makes us feel better about ourselves and we can't be worrying about who else gets inconvenienced by it, or whether it signifies an underlying digestive or dietary issue that we don't want to face up to. Can I end this contrived

analogy here, please? Yes, Brexit is the thought that began as an attempt to relieve pressure and ended up in an accidental pants shooting. Yeah, except they shot in all of our pants. Virus news now and everyone's least favorite microscopic terrorist, the coronavirus continues to upheave and in a havocate to the world. Jerkocratic governments continue to fumble around in a self-imposed fog of stubborn arrogance.

Science continues to try to convince people that it isn't making everything up as it goes along in everything it does, as well as the virus. I've been reading the telegraph, and I'm so into doubt that gravity is real anymore. Life is shifting and changing by the week, and nowhere have the effects been felt more profoundly, no area of human activity has been so deeply impacted upon

than in the filming of sex scenes for TV shows. Helen, you are the Bugles artistically probably just about justified nudity filming logistics correspondent. And please fill us in or more appropriately make it look convincingly like you're filling us in. Well, the bold and the beautiful soap opera is resuming filming, having been off since March, and they have a number of steamy scenes. Obviously, they want to keep things socially distant, but still sexy, so they are going one better than just people wrapping their arms around themselves and moving their hands up and down in the playground.

They try cutting these scenes, they're like, it's not the playground. They tried cutting these scenes, they're like it's not the same, it's not the same. So instead, first of all, for kissing, each of the actors will just be filmed separately. I don't know if they're allowed to kiss something like a mellum or their own hand, and then they will be edited together. And then when they're doing sex scenes, their spouses, if they are negative for COVID, may be allowed to play whoever they're sexing on. But otherwise, they will be using blow-up dolls and dummies. And usually the dummies are used for stunts, like when people fall out of a window or have to play a corpse.

But not this time, they're getting lucky. I mean, of course, with the amount of Botox and Plastic surgery going around on the set of the Bold and the Beautiful. For those of you who don't know the Bold and Beautiful, it's like the Fast and the Furious, but without cars. It's going to be difficult for viewers to tell the difference between the blow-up dolls and the actors themselves. There are rumors in the sextile community that if the sextiles do a good enough job job they may be cast in speaking roles. Right, that's something. I've never seen a bold and the beautiful, but there's an etymological intro, I know Helen, you love your words to a professional level. The bold and the beautiful

is the phrase most diametrically opposed in the English language to the phrase Boris Johnson's Cabinet. There's a huge, a huge linguistic interest for you. I mean, is this not an overcomplicated solution to the problem? And what's wrong with a good visual metaphor these days? A train going into a tunnel and nodding donkey oil well, a tree bursting into blossom, or an industrial chimney being chained up, blindfolded whips and forced to say, yes, Mr. Smargrit, like in that old biopic of David Cameron. I once saw a very sexual montage on a BBC documentary about bread of people

provocatively needing dough. So they could do that. Nobody needs dough, Helen. You can only ever want dough. Oh my god. Very full of stuff. If we haven't all suffered enough, Alice. Not yet. Elsewhere in the world of COVID, New Zealand is obviously in line for the United Nations Smuggist Country of the Year Award with justification to be fair. They've managed to control and suppress the virus through some strange arcane and acronistic and occultishly alchemical cocktail of sense humility and administrative organisation. Rugby has resumed in New Zealand in front of actual human crowds as well. And there's been some classic New Zealandic opportunism,

a homeless man, a quote, sneaked into a five-star hotel used as a COVID quarantine facility and stayed there for weeks. In the kind of initiative that I think the world needs more of in these difficult times. Yes, and this news came to light when Mr Woodhouse of the National Party in New Zealand criticized the government's incredibly effective handling of the coronavirus by citing a tiny number of bad actors and slipped loopholes. Apparently, this man stayed in quarantine for two weeks and when he was ready for discharge, he was asked for a forwarding address and said, hey, he hadn't been overseas, he just joined the back of the queue two weeks ago. And Mr. Woodhouse is quoted as saying, he hadn't come back from overseas, he spent a fortnight getting three square meals at a bath every day on the government, which to be honest, to me, sounds like an excellent outcome. Call me a bleeding lefty, but three

square meals at a bath every day for the most vulnerable members of a society that is rich enough to support every citizen in such a style seems like it ought to be the goal of every functioning developed nation. But don't ask me, I'm not American enough to believe in the freedom to starve to death because my government would rather spend its money on sentient bombs and cages for foreign babies than social welfare programs for its own citizens. Well, you can't do that. You can't do that, Alice. I mean, yes, there are shitloads of homeless people in nations that really don't need

to have any and civilized societies. We generally try to brush that under the carpet. And also, there are even shitloader shitloads of unused properties lying empty because, well, I mean, I guess you can't have a small fraction of them being used by people who desperately need them because otherwise we'd have let Stalin win the Cold War and all the people who could have thought and might have died in the Cold War had it ever got hot, would have hypothetically died in vain. So, you can't, you can't open that lily livid lefty door or it will never end.

The article described this latest claim as leaving Jacinda Arden's government, quotes, red faced. Now in that very much shows the difference in how countries have responded to this virus. The idea that Arden's government could be red faced at one person getting a freebie in a hotel. You need to raise your blushing threshold New Zealand. Here in Britain, tens of thousands of people unnecessarily dead, not even a hint

of a pinconing of the governmental cheek, not even a mildly furrowed brow at alone a discernible trace of facial shame. Actually, make Scamons go paler. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha on the idea of the poor dying. Here in Britain, Dominic Rab, the bafflingly appointed Foreign Secretary, has been criticised for a comment he made about the Black Lives Matter movement and taking the knee specifically. He said, on this taking the knee thing, phrase, dripping with respect. I know maybe it's got a broader history, it said Rob. It seems to be taken from game of thrones and feels to me like a symbol of subjugation and subordination. So there's a number of things to pick up from this sentence from Mr. Rob. I don't know maybe it's got a broader history. I guess a British politician not bothering to find out stuff about history

is nothing to be surprised about these days. He also said, I take the knee for two people, the queen, and the misses when I asked her to marry me. Now I don't know who the her. Is he married to the queen? Well, exactly. It's an imprisoid sentence, isn't he, Ellen? The first lady of language picking it up there, is the her referring to Mrs. Rahab,

or the queen, in any case, take the knee as a gesture of feudal subservience to a woman who after 68 years must be heartily f***ing sick of seeing the tops of people's heads. But not as a gesture to support a campaign from all equal and tolerant planet and solidarity with the struggle to equalize centuries of exploitative racism. I guess each to their own, it seems a curious kneeling priority to have.

This is admirable, Andy. This is truly admirable. He's refusing to kneel to anyone but the queen and his Mrs. When he asked her to marry him. That means that this is a man who will lunge up against a tree to tie his shoelaces let he be less he be seen as subordinate to the needs of knots. He had to build sandcastles. Well, that's yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's the, you know, the logistics of these things.

People don't think through. Rob added, I understand this's the logistics of these things, people don't think through. Rahab added, I understand this sense of frustration and restlessness that is driving the black lives matter movement. Now let's try to be as positive as we possibly can be about this, frustration and restlessness, describe it as a typical British understatement rather than a spiritually not just belittlement of a defining social issue of current and historic injustice. That's why people are going out on marches because they're feeling a bit restless, they just could use the walk. Frustration and restlessness, rather like when AJP Taylor wrote that Hitler could undoubtedly be something of a rot. On the plus side, Johnson's government has announced plans for an official government

commission to investigate racial inequality in Britain, hoping that it comes up with a different verdict from all the other recent commissions that have already addressed this issue in different ways, as pointed out by amongst others, the Labour MP David Lamy, who was chaired one of those commissions himself, and the government has chosen to flatly ignore the recommendations of those previous commissions. It is now maybe hoping for its own investigation into racial inequalities, you come back with an actually it's all fine as you were, verdicts, rather than the other reports whose verdict was, if I may summarize, it's not fine, it's never been fine.

And here is a long list of easily achievable things we should do about it. You're in showbiz Andy, you have to keep going. When someone says no, you keep going until you get a yes. And that's what they're doing. You keep going till racism's okay again. Well, that's right, I've been going wrong in my career. Here's when someone says no to me, I just sit in my shed for the next 15 years.

Taring down statues and news now, and well, as the battle over Britain's Statue Legacy continues and the arguments over exactly what form of history ectomy would be best for this country. Heading forward, the statue of Cecil Rhodes at Oril College Oxford is now due to be removed. And a lot of people have said, oh, this is unacceptable, this is air-brushing history. You can't just pretend Rhodes didn't exist. Well, I mean, maybe instead we could have a statue of a gentleman and a bowler hat stealing a rar and ostracia, it's a crateful of gold and all the food, while casually tossing

a vile of smallpox over a shoulder, like a mobsolighting a petrified. That would seem to be more appropriate than a statue of Cecil Rhodes himself more in tune with our history. Alice, how's the, there's much of a statue argument in Australia? We inherit all our arguments from Britain and Andy. I feel like on one hand, beginning to take down statues of people in history who achieved great things while or by perpetuating grotesque wrongs on the vulnerable and oppressed, feels like a satisfying shift in the right direction, that direction being the direction of not rubbing people's historical abuses in the faces

of the people who have inherited the hangovers of that abuse. On the other hand, it feels a little bit like once you start pulling on that dangling thread at the bottom of the jumper of history, there's not going to be that much jumper left at the end of it. It's almost like the people who pursue an exercise power on a grand industrial scale that affects the movements of history tend also to be ruthless s**t with an eye to the prize and a foot on the neck of whoever's neck happens to be most foot proximate in the pathway to historical renown. I also feel like by covering this we're part of the problem.

And the problem is that discussions about the statues, the names of streets who said what on social media six years ago, all of those discussions mean that people are focusing a significant and possibly pivotal amount of time, effort, energy and attention on the most peripheral symptoms of what is a fundamental problem at pivotal amount of time, effort, energy, and attention on the most peripheral symptoms of what is a fundamental problem at the core of society's understanding of itself and the ways in which power moves. You know what I mean? Both the pulling down of and the defending of the statues

feels like putting allo on the sunburn that's responsible for the cancer, the treatment for which is making your feats or rather than solving the current problem. Not that history and memories are not important, it's just that while you can acknowledge that the causes of current difficulties lie in the complex past until we get it allurian, it feels a little bit more useful to focus

on the complex present. I have a question. Does anyone like statues? Does anyone think they're nice? Wouldn't it be better to just put some vending machines there? We can't have a vending machine up of 50 meter high plinth Helen. No, the best Japanese to get up there Andy. Right. I guess you've got to really want that snack.

I saw a correction on a monument in Melbourne. The ceremony time I have noticed such a thing. But it's a monument to John Batman who formed a settlement and founded one on the site of Melbourne, then unoccupied, and on that big stone monument is a plaque, which says, sorry, it was occupied, we just forgot that first nations people were people, oops. Yeah, I think that's a good way to resolve the issue is just on the plinths around the bottom of the feet of these statues just show all the people who are like being

oppressed. I'm going to need some big plinths. Or amend the inscription on the statue. Cecil Rhodes, quite the f***. Puppet Hugh addendums on the ground floor of BBC Broadcasting House about the Eric Gill things on the frontage. This picture of him fumbling a boy isn't drawn entirely from his imagination. Yes, you would have thought in the light of what's happened at the BBC over recent years, that statue might have come down if you're unfamiliar with it. Well, and feeling willing to be

shocked and appalled, find it on the internet. Yeah, that's, I mean, quite the **** would be quite a simple thing to add to a lot of these statues, like an official kind of QTC, you know, coat of arms, I don't know, SPQR, the old Roman, the drains and stuff, but, you know, QTC on a stat. Do you want everyone knows that it is a tainted, a tainted relic? Or like, you know, the food, food measures, you know, how they have those little graphs for food, whether it's a healthy food or, you know, unhealthy, sometimes food. You should just put a little, little bit of tomato on the bottom of each statue. But would it be variable according to the current verdict of history?

Yes, exactly. That way that you don't have to change any of the statues, you can just adapt them as time goes forward. I said some time ago on the show that the people we should be putting statues up to are the likes of John and Marjorie Lemming, who no one has ever heard of, who never did anything in their lives. Those, that's the one way to guarantee a future proof statue. Or as you do. They don't get statues, they get benches, Andy. LAUGHTER But what about all the benches in our parks that were, you know,

sat upon by racist in the 1950s? What are we going to do? John and Marjorie, quite the f***ing loves sitting here, saying extremely unacceptable things. I do think we need to look at the positives here, because our government gets criticized a lot on this show and elsewhere and often by their own faces. But no government doesn't-

And yet they still don't do better. It's all the shit you've been throwing at them Andy. What the hell? But no government, Helen, I would say, has done more than this current Johnson government prevents another British Empire. Because much as they might heart back to the old one, we have shown that we cannot organize a mobile phone app,

let alone an empire in Gumpzing, according to the world's population and land area. I mean, sure, we might still have the British exceptionalist arrogance to do it. We still have amoral economic opportunism baked into our system, but the logistical competence, no fucking why, rest easy world, rest easy, and good news for future statues, the way things are going at the moment, if a

cabinet minister manages to successfully order a pizza at the moment or do up all their buttons unaided, we will be gratefully whacking up a heroically posed marble of them on a f***ing great column. And people in hundreds of years time will gaze up in wonder and parents will explain to their children, ah the great Liz Truss, she was one of the good ones. She did a whole three minute radio interview without trivialising racism, incredible. But by the standards of the day, you have to on it. Not by our standards, kids. Remember, we mustn't view history through the prism of the present. Which prism should we view it through? Of the collection. The prism of... Oh, half... The prism of Britishness, Ellen. That's the only prism we need. It's more just like a brick, isn't it?

LAUGHTER MUSIC American lies news now, and... Well, an extraordinary court case in America, Fox News, has gone to court to assert that it is not telling the truth. I mean, this is a curious, this seems like ultimate kind of peak America. A news company asserting that contrary to scarlet accusations from rivals and critics, it is making shit up. A sort of meta-liable case.

It just means new. Fresh bullsits Andy. You should be familiar with that. This is Tucker Carlson, which presents itself as a news show. It looks like a news show. It sounds like a news show, but emphatically declares that it is not a news show. I think their argument is that viewers, the viewers of Tucker Carlson don't assume that Tucker Carlson is reporting facts. That's their claim, which is the worst self-own I've seen since someone kicked a football that went into their own goal and then came back and hit them in the face.

I don't know, football metaphors. I think anyone who's watching Tucker Carlson on the reg can be safely assumed to be incapable of critical thought at that level. You can only eat intellectual junk food ironically for so long before your brain starts to get puffed going up a flight of conceptual stairs. And I think it's like expecting question time to be distributing information rather than just making everyone's blood feel like hot acid in their veins.

With that, that is the purpose of TV news, essentially. We need hot asses in our veins, otherwise the world will grind to a halt. History is, surely that is the lesson we should be learning from history. Keeps the cholesterol down. In other lies, news, John Bolton, the former national security advisor for Donald Trump, has produced a book which has been described as a bombshell and a pile of shit. So it's, it's, it's a chip bomb, by all accounts written in a, Okay, the last us written with a sub-deckendian level of literary flair. But also contains yet more accusations against Trump, which if even partially true,

you would think would make any present with dignity instantly resign and fire themselves into space. But allegations in the book include that Trump thought Finland was part of Russia, that he sought Chinese assistance in his election campaign, that he told China their internment camps were a great idea, perhaps with a hint of jealousy, that he thought and talked to him as a theme park, that he tried to launch an invasion of a country called

Muslimistan, that he tried to change you a school history syllabus, so that he, not George Washington, led America to independence in a war against the Germans, or something that might have glazed over to be honest, I mean, none of this makes any impact at all. If any of this was going to have any effect, it would have had an effect in 2016. It's now just more steaming shit on the volcano of steaming shit that is Trump's life and career.

Well, that's the thing, if you don't care about being undignified or being wrong, what are they gonna do? You're invincible. Exactly. However, this is not just a one-way street. Another book has come out this week from a more pro-Trump angle. Trump, Acolyte and former White House insider, Druba Kling has published loading the claw hammer of justice inside Trump's quest

for a happier universe. I've got a world exclusive, a few excerpts from from Druba Klinx, a new inside look from a rather more roast-tinted view of the Trump administration. On his first day as president, Donald took one look around his new office. It's not over enough, he said. I thought it would be way more over than this, make it more over. It was the kind of clear, decisive, aspirational decision-making that America had been crying out for. It was the kind of clear, decisive, aspirational decision-making that America had been crying out for. This further on in the book, it was not reported in the news, but in 2018 Donald averted war between Paraguay and Lichtenstein. He said of a conference call with the president

of the two countries, which his advisor said might be having an argument over which is the most landlocked. The two leaders insisted a little too vociferously that they actually had no plans to invade each other. A farmer would have begged a Nobel for that, remarked Trump, I'll probably get blamed for the lack of decent Paraguayan war films 20 years from now, such is life. And one final excerpt from our world exclusive serialisation. Donald deal-making skills on unquenchable first for a better world, or once again on display during his first meeting with his North Korean counterpart Kim Jong-un. Trump offered Kim the hand of supreme court judge Ruth Baida Ginsburg in marriage, hoping to build a bridge of love between the two nations. Kim was

right up for it and even offered Donald to go on one of his nukes as a thank you. All was set for a statement wedding that could symbolically pressage an era of world peace. But Ginsburg refused even to install Tinder on her phone, let alone go on a date with Kim. She's a widow for heaven's sake. Sometimes I think America is its own worst enemy. Don't these people want us to succeed? So, so, uh, so fascinating, rip-ouring read gives you another view on the man and his presidency. Elon Musk news now and Alex it seems every week you're on the show which is a lot of weeks Elon Musk has done something ridiculous. What is the I think it was a five-dimensional tax snake that could revolutionize warfare last time? What's he been up to now?

Well, Elon Musk with his unlimited imagination slash money purse has decided that he's going to confirm that his space exports, which will be used for firing rockets into space, can also be used for hypersonic travel on the planet. I feel like Musk's plan is to get people as quickly as possible from one place to another, no matter where they're going. It's all he wants. He just wants to fire people off in all directions. It's his thing.

Everything room, electric cars to baby catapult. That's large catapults for throwing babies, not any bit of catapults. That's be clear. Much like a six-year-old packing three fruit roll-ups and a pair of socks into a backpack because their mum shamed them for the poo they did in the pool, Elon Musk thinks the future is far away. It's like all the world has Lego set. So before I say it again, Elon Musk is a baby's idea of a grown-up. What that brings us to the end of this week's Beagleagle we'll be back next week with a live show on Saturday night 8 p.m. UK time live streamed on wherever things get live streamed.

Chris what are we going for this time apart from hopefully it working at the start. We're doing the YouTube's, we're doing the Twitters, we're doing the Facebook's, we're doing the Twitch's. How much of these does Andy know what they are? Absolutely not. I think they're all dances from the 1960s one That that that may be true and maybe we could practice them in the week Which was the Twitter and the twitch were so Saturday 8 p.m. The 27th of Of June. Thanks everyone who joined in the quiz

Last week at a still available on the YouTube channel if you want to do it retrospectively With the hand congratulations to those of you who scored Close to the maximum was it 26 out of 26 from the 37 questions It's like slight technical glitch that the item I maintain as appropriate for an unfair universe. That some of you just get ignored. There we are, British, after all. Helen, anything to plug for our Google listeners? Sure, I have three podcasts, The Illusionist, which is at Theillusionist.org.

Answer me this. Answer me this podcast.com and for on-commas investigations at vmipod.com. Arish. There is a show that is called The Last Post. It's called The Bugle Presents, The Last Post, and it's a satirical news podcast set in alternate dimensions. So if you're sick of the news from this dimension tune in to that. Also, I have a weekly show called A-T with Alice. And my show's savage is streaming currently on Amazon Prime, though if you don't

like Amazon Prime, you're still available as a free podcast called the Alice Fraser Trilogy. Before we go on to this week's lies about our premium voluntary subscribers, the more long-standing or long-listening amongst you if you are long-standing, do have a sit-down, it's more comfy. Anyway, long-term buglers might remember producer Tom, the pre-Chris Chris, the George Formby 2 Chris' Bob Dylan. Like so many people involved with the early years of the bugle, Tom fled the country, and now produces shows in Australia, where he has a new show out about, yes, you guessed it, obviously, a Christian hip-hop group.

George, a hear a snippet of it? I can't hear you. Oh sorry I didn't have my headphones turned on I'll just assume it was a yes. This is an ABC podcast. A brother and a sister are playing in a band together called Crossed. My name is Kenley. This is my six club podcast about the Christian hip hop band that changed my life. For Cross Land! This is a nightmare. Imagine how stug-hearted he just be shitting up there and having it it'd just be mounted, he'd be hanging on the holy spirit. It's on brighter than the star of David, but we destroyed faster than Sodom and Gomorrah.

And that's when I began to drink the Sacramento wine. What sort of a Christian are you? What's with all the Jesus shit, mate? Okay, I'm pulling over. Does anyone have vegan vomit? What the hell is going on? And why am I making this podcast? Because Cross-Bred, we're really cool. Thank you Tom and now on to our lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them go to thepugalpodcast.com and click the donate button to make a one off or recurring contribution to help keep this show independent

and free, apart from the money that you've just given to it. Here are this week's lies. Andrew Ward thinks the world could do with more hidden doorways. I think it would be good for all of us, says Andrew, if whenever we lent on a wall, there was a real sense of, what if this leads me into a secret enchanted kingdom? Andrew thinks that this would help recreate the sense of wonder that has been lost by our species' technological complacency.

When you can find a picture of a triceratops playing golf against a naked goddess' afro-diety after 15 seconds on a search engine, where is the magic in life, Lament's Andrew? Stephen Cox had to laugh as a school student when he misunderstood the words harvest mice. Stephen explains, I had no idea it was the name of a species, I just heard the words and assumed it was an instruction from my biology teacher, so I ran straight out of the classroom to get to it without listening

to the rest of the sentence. Stephen continues, it transpired the 500 dead mice I came back with four hours later were not what Miss Stipples had wanted. It was also the first time I heard a teacher use five swear words in one sentence. My previous record was three. Brenda Scott is one of those people who believes tight-rope walking ought to be taught in schools. It should be compulsory for all children from age five to sixteen claims, Brenda. It is not only good for your core musculature and balance, but it could save the environment too. Imagine if people could just tuddle between high-rise buildings on ropes instead of using power-hungry lifts to get all the way down and up again, probably stopping for a coffee in a trendy, disposable, endangered animal-horned

cup on the way. Orek and this scheme could help us squeeze another 10-15 years out of the planet. Derek Moss often wonders how things we take for granted were invented or discovered way back in ancient human history. Who was the first person to see an egg dropping out of a chicken's arse and think, souffle, speculate Stereach, how did anyone discover that what worked with tea leaves emphatically did not work with penguin beaks he continues, and did someone somewhere feel a worm or a baby snake wriggling on the top of their foot, look down and think, ah that's how I stop my shoes from flying off all the time. Derek hopes to make a radio documentary on this subject.

Jennifer Allen spent 12 hours of her childhood dreaming of becoming a newspaper sub editor. She heard a story about a local man who had been arrested after being found to have kept caged in his cellar 120 birds, which he had poached as they roosted in the local park, and came up with the headline, please finally catch Lott's nest monster. Disappointingly, the local rag the following morning went with the somewhat more prozeric headline, manorested for illegally keeping birds in cellar. And finally, Malf Quinn thinks that one of the great regrets about the current human predilection for online social media spots is the lack of physical evidence for future generations to venerate.

We can visit physical battlefields where the erstwhile future in which we now live in the present was decided in our past, says Mav, but our descendants won't be able to pay similar homage on the battlefields of the Twitter Wars, for example. We can look at a field with some shrubs in it and think, for example, wow, Richard III had his ass handed to him on a plate here. But the Twitter Wars will live on only in the Cavernous Hive-Mind Memory of the Internet, and maybe in Epic Song, or a propagandistic pseudo-historical play if we get a bit Shakespeare on it, anyway, the point stands concludes Maalve. And here endeth the lies.

The lies.