The Bugle - Bugle 4158 - A vector of disease

Episode Date: June 28, 2020

Andy is with Hari and Alice to discuss cross-continental incompetence and how cricket balls are vectors of disease (Andy is not happy).This was a full live show and a 90 minute version can be seen on our YouTube channel. Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen! We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserHari KondaboluAnd produced by Chris Skinner. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, hello, Bugleers. Let's hope the start to this show is better than the start to the last live Bugle show, which did not technically start when it started. Hello, Bugleers. Is this working? I don't think we've had any messages yet on Twitter to say that we can't hear you or see you or anything like last time. So this does seem to be an

unusually proficient start. Hello, Bugleers, welcome to the second-ever Bugle livestream live show. I am Annie Zoltzmann, and if I was the last man on earth, I would have lost a significant proportion of my audience and be deeply suspicious of the rest of them. But I'm not the last man on earth. There are several others still around. Time will tell exactly where I end up in the last men on Earth rankings, but it's probably gonna end up higher than would be ideal. But hopefully not top five billion,

though, that'll be a significant disappointment. It's Saturday, the 27th of June, 2020. This is doubling up as issue 4158 of the bugle 4158 is also the average number of falsehoods that Donald Trump thinks of per weekday which is of course it's slightly more a weekend. So actually for all the criticism he gets for dissembling so much you've got to give him credit for a strictie himself to just an average of 14 or 15 lies a day according to the Washington Post bullshit tracker.

Alright, let me just explain to you what's going to happen in tonight's stroke today, stroke tomorrow morning show, delete according to time zone. What's going to happen is this, one, this introduction, which has already peaked, two. The introduction of our two co-hosts from a total of four hemispheres. We've got North, South, East and West covered for you. I've probably said that wrong way around if you're looking at, but anyway, but we've got all covered.

So no complaining for everyone. This is a four hemispheres guest-eat podcast. Three, you're gonna get some prime quality jokes about everything that's happening in the world right now or in the last week. Four, there's gonna be stuff about cricket. You're just warning you of that, promising. Promising stroke warning, again, delete as applicable.

Five, there's going to be an audience Q&A. This is where you come in. Viewers say you can tweet us at HelloBuglers with your cues, and we will tell you to stick them right up your A. So we will answer them to the best of our ability. Six, what's going to happen in the show? Part six is a bit that we won't get round to

and we'll quietly drop from the planned running order. See if you can spot which bit it is that we don't actually do. Seven formless and probably over long ending possibly involving some puns and eight party in the shed involving me on my own and my friends from ancient Rome. So that is the end of phase one of the show, time to meet our co-hosts and indeed producer Chris. Obviously we can't see what is being broadcast. So I don't know if you're on screen currently. Hello Chris. Hello Andy, yes, good evening and your face is on the screen too, as is Alice and Haris. Alright, okay, so I could switch it to just put your nice big face on it instead. Alright, well I mean that's, my face does not need to be big, as my lack of film castings would no doubt testify.

So joining us, firstly, from 10 and a half thousand miles away as the crow flies, assuming it is a very focused crow, which has packed enough snacks for a long flight. There's no not to be blown off course by the wind at all, or about 7 and a half thousand miles away is the very determined rabbit burrows in Sydney, Australia. That's an insultingly early time of day tomorrow. It's Alice Fraser. Hello, Andy. Hello, Bugleers. Yeah, we were we were hanging out here in the corners of the roving reporter on a new show. That's very much how I see your role on the bugle Alex. There's just no way not to look awkward. That is also the title of my forthcoming book of modeling shots.

Also joining us from one of the silliest sides of one of the silliest oceans from New York City, the city that for the first time in its history this year has actually slept. It's the man who so often rescues this show's attempt to ensure that its co-hosts names contain all five vowels in the alphabet. So when I say, oh, you, it is in fact a grateful compliment. It's Harry Condabolo. And actually, Andy, I'm in San Diego. Oh, are you? All right. I got the hell out of that, says, pool. No, my partner and I are having a baby and in order for the baby to be born without as much COVID, we moved to San Diego. But I was thinking about you were saying

about the positives of the coronavirus, and there's two things people don't talk about enough about coronavirus. One, you know, very good with diversity, right? Two, great with children. There you go. Thank you. There you go. Again. Well, congratulations on the, uh, the, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the anyway. But that's the ideal training for the world that it's coming into.

Alice, how's Australia? Australia is pretty good with Victoria letting down our slate of states in terms of, they've just had a spike of COVID. So our premier of New South Wales Gladysperigically and has said, nobody have anything to do with Victorian citizens as an official announcement. Don't be involved with Melbourneians. Right. OK, don't get involved with the Victorians.

Is advice that the world would have done well to listen to some considerable time ago. On the 27th of June, in the year 2020 or the 27th of Regretuary, in the year 1CVE, depending on what calendar you're using, on this day, in the year 1743 there was the Battle of Dettingen, a classic showdown in the War of Austrian Succession, which is one of those classic wars from history, whose very name, the War of Austrian Succession, really makes you think, we are a species of f***ing idiots. Britain, a war for Austrian, and Britain teamed up with Hanover and Austria and gained a classic, classic British victory in that it was not particularly impressive. It was quite lucky and had no real long-term relevance. I mean, it's like we didn't even need World

Cups to be invented to pull that kind of thing off. And Team GB that day back in 1743 was kept in by King George II, and it marked the last time that a British monarch led the troops into battle officially anyway. But was it really? Because recently declassified papers that I've got just down here suggest that the current monarch Elizabeth the hang on I'm hopeless with numbers. Second, trading as the queen also known as Betty Bourbles, Lizzie the lizard, they're all rumbler. These papers suggest that the queen did actually fight in a number of battles, the battle of the sexes. She fought in that, but she brought a radically female approach to monocking more than any British monarch since the whole Queen Victoria at least I would say. She thought

in the Battle of Hastings, loves a reenactment as the 68-time British monarch of the year and the Battle of Trafalgar when she got a bit overexcited on a royal visit to a top secret government time travel research facility and at a lovely day out in a boat. On this day in 1898, the first one, the 17th of both, the first circumnavigation of the globe was completed by Joshua Slokum, a Canadian living in the USA. He arrived back in Newport, Rhode Island on the 27th of June 1898, after a three-year journey taking in 46,000 miles of boat crafty with an apology to his wife, sorry love, I turned left instead of right at the start, I've got a terrible sense of direction. And an interview with the live round the world trip commentary team who'd been

filling desperately for three years with no action to report on. I guess there's only so many times you can bang on about pigeons and cakes. Slokum wrote a book about his 1000 day journey from A back to A, the impressively honestly titled, Sailing Alone Around the World. And the author Arthur Ransom said of this book, boys who do not like this book ought to be drowned at once. And that's... That is a different age of book reviewing.

But also, I like the haste of it. Not, you know, there's no appeals process there. If you did not like this book, I mean, I guess is that a way to encourage a love of literature, the threat of drowning? I don't know the influence it had on British education system, but like this book, or I will drown you.

Well, it shouldn't be said as anyone who is part of the book club on the Titanic would no doubt testify. Interesting fact about Slokum, he never learned to swim. And that's an inspiration for the modern world. You wouldn't have thought it'd be possible to sail around the world without being able to swim, but he didn't. He did it. And you wouldn't have thought that it would be possible to be Prime Minister with complete

the rest of this joke yourself. Oh, as always. It's good not to be able to swim as a salient, it gives you an incentive. I guess so. And I guess it's good not to have any of the basic skills required to be a prime minister. It makes you really focus on the job in hand. As a waste. I mean, prime ministers immediately began to sink physically at the moment they stopped

prime ministering to their full capacity. That might actually work. Yeah, it's possible. Oh, yeah, I mean, I guess. So the cabinet room in Downing Street should just be over a shark, maybe a shark tank, or I don't know, that would focus the minds wonderfully. We're making a better world bugle,

so that is what this show is all about. It's not even slightly about that. Yeah. It's generally about further muddying the already impermancible waters of the news. As always, a section of this audio newspaper is going straight in the bin. In the bin and this week's section in the bin is a bins section. Today is the anniversary of numerous celebrities using bins, including Queen Elizabeth I

and ironically, both Gandhi and Churchill. And bins have arguably been one of the most important human inventions ever, alongside things like the wheel, the stilt, the sofa, and the hidden camera wildlife documentary robot animal. So we dedicate a full section of today's visual audio newspaper to bins, including, we look at the greatest bins in the world, including the Earth's crust, the ultimate bin, Mother Nature, Shit Parent of the Year, for hundreds of billions of years in a row, just dumped all her dead stuff in there and how you're not very presto, coil, coal, oil and gas. Now we've done our best to clean up her mess by burning it all, but

it just shows the rubbish you leave behind doesn't just disappear, kids, if the oil industry can teach us a lesson, it is that. Also one of the great bins of the world, the sea! What a bin! That is! 70% of the earth's surface, 100% bin, terrific bin! When you've got a bin bigger than your house, you know you can chuck all kinds of stuff in it without worrying about it and that's how we've used our impressively capacious prime natural bin, the sea, and people complain about it. Just remember more than 90% of the sea is still water so don't believe what the doomsayers and dolphin apologists say use it or lose it sorry use it and lose it and if you're not close to the sea then for your bin you can

always use rivers and deltas the pre bin of the big bin of the sea out of sight out of mind as certain high profile oil companies are trying to prove in a court case here in Britain at the moment. Also we look at our bin section at some of the great bins of history including the bin into which Neville Chamberlain threw his piece of paper from Berlin while saying the words Barser just threw a cock and balls on it. The bin into which Thomas Edison threw his design for the electric Gallup horse after hearing that the car had been invented. Other classic bins from history include Boston Harbor

and Australia, classic British bin. And also the bin into which Boris Johnson threw his Faustian contract with meffa Stoffley's ink while saying the words, can't imagine he'll call this in at any point soon. That section in the bin, and we are now after, how long's the intros, these live shows Chris, they get even more out of control.

What are we at on the clock? Only 16 minutes so far Andy. And maybe it's time for you to tell people about a website they should be visiting. Good point, I mean, obviously the prime purpose of this show is purely to bring some light into the everlasting gloominess of the universe with a live bugle show. But also, if you want to take this opportunity to contribute to the bugle, to keep it free

and independent and alive and healthy, then go to the web page, thebuegalpodcast.com and click the donate button. Consider that a voluntary ticket price or a voluntary subscription. It's up to you. Right. It is now time for Top Story this week. There's only one place to start. I'm sure you both agree, Harry and Alice says. Only one story that has dominated the world this week, that is the news that Boris Johnson has banned cricket. He has banned cricket in Britain. He said that recreational cricket cannot restart because in his words the cricket ball is a natural vector of disease. He's saying this, this

most holy of all objects is a vector. This is worse than crumbwell banning Christmas Alice. This is the greatest infringement on our British liberties since the last eyesight made half of us live under a slab of ice. This is worse, this is worse than that. I agree with you Andy, the ball is a natural vector of disease, is an outrageous statement. I would understand it if he said,

the bat is a natural vector of disease, given that that is pure scientific fact. But that's all I have. Right. But these, look, I'm rubbing them on my face. Oh my God. I'm like, is this too dangerous for you? How could this is the most holy object

that the Queen's orb is in fact a cricket ball wrapped in silver. But this, this, you cannot ban these holy objects. He said this, the problem with cricket, as everybody understands, is that the ball is a natural vector of disease. Now, let me just pick up a few things on that one. The problem with cricket is not that. The problem with cricket is that it's too short, only five days for a match, a couple of months for a series. That is not enough. Give me a longer distraction from reality.

We've scaled it back. You used to go on for two weeks sometimes. There are wars that are shorter than a cricket match. They're literally happy in wars that have been shorter than a cricket match, including there was a 38-minute war between Britain and Zanzibar in 1895. First fact of the entire history of the bugle. Other recreational sports have been allowed back football, tennis, basketball, lying in Parliament, government cover-ups and befowling democracy. All fine now, but not cricket and a bubble for Boris Johnson to accuse another thing of being a vector of disease, even in the compendium of the Hippocratic Arts compiled

and updated every day by Johnson and his enablers, stroke, ministers, stroke advisors, this is a new peak of bilge if indeed bilge can peak. Amidst that I addra falls of hypocrisys, which Johnson has splattered all over this country, this is the un-missable lunatic and a fluorescent barrel plummeting over the edge. Johnson calling a cricket ball a vector of disease.

That is like Ludwig van Beethoven accusing a kid's plastic toy electric piano that plays a selection of four simple tunes of being a top-class composer of solo ensemble and orchestral pieces. This is bullshit. Let's just do a rough estimation here on this vector of disease accusation.

Johnson tooling around in March, shaking hands in hospitals, flim flattering and idiosheed, idiosheedalling his way to a far worse natural catastrophe than would have been the case had he not been Prime Minister, and the Prime Minister had instead been a five and a half ounce hard-lead red leather coated ball with a stitched seam around it. Sorry, and is it red leather or yellow leather red leather. Red leather. You can get yellow leather? You can get yellow leather? No, no, no, no. That is a, that is, that is, that is too cricket, is not ready for that level of innovation. Yeah, Alice.

We will talk about it further in the show. But if Prime Minister Cricket ball had been in charge, by virtue of doing absolutely nothing, apart from just being round and red with some stitching roundly outside and being a vehicle of choice of vector of disease This this is an agent of delight Anyway, the country will be back on track besides which and sorry for ranting on about this recreational cricket

Is a sport made for social distancing having played a considerable amount in my life I'm well aware that one of the prime attractions of cricket is a participation sport. Is that it offers you distance from all the rest of humanity, solitude in a field? And besides that, if you're concerned about the ball being infected, know that at the not entirely stratospheric level of cricket that I played,

many of the participants had at a rough estimate, 60% alcohol in their breath. That is the most hygienic sport you can possibly have in the current circumstances. Vector of the... If Johnson is looking for a title for his autobiography, Vector of Disease should be right up there, assuming he doesn't want to go with my deeply regrettable life, or everything you're about to read is probably a lie, or why turds float to the top of a political life story, or I should not I should not have

been allowed to do any of this or a haunting lesson for future generations or a bluff as a guide to overweaning personal ambition or who brisk for dummies or simply the family show. Anyway, I think that's in my case. Let us move on to other aspects of the coronavirus situation and the corona complacency that seems to be overtaking the world. I mean, the virus is still chugging along doing its nasty business, infecting rising numbers each day is about to blast through the half a million confirmed death barrier. But around much of the world, and certainly in Britain and a lot of the USA, to many people, it's basically over, it seems to have gone and we are just, but just ignoring everything. Now, Harry, what's the, I mean, your vice president,

vice president of all of your hearts in America might spend, might pence. This week hailed the truly remarkable progress that America has made in its battle with the, with the pandemic, despite there being record numbers of cases Every day, okay, but here's he said there's been truly remarkable progress of course after 40,000 people died in a 24 hour period But here's to think truly remarkable progress is true if you don't say what you're progressing to exactly He never he never specifies right so yes forty thousand cases of twenty four hours is truly remarkable progress

to mass graves economic ruin and a forever scarred american population the non-specifixity of the word remarkable has got mic pants through many a press conference and sex act. Mike Pence and none the smarter. That was a six-pence and none the richer reference from the mid-90s. A joke I've made numerous occasions on this program over the last several years. I feel like it's either that he doesn't understand words or he doesn't understand numbers.

Because when they say things like this, you think who are they falling and then you see who they're falling and you start to wonder how you're meant to operate in a world with that many idiots while your clever vegan friend refuses to have children. I should point out it's not 40,000 deaths a day, it's 40,000 cases, but in terms of exaggerating, you know, we didn't start it, we didn't start it. And if you're counting the deaths on the inside, rather than actual physical deaths, I think it's way, way higher than I mean, the Trump administration is full of ineffective jedi's right, the worst kind of Jedi. It's because they keep trying to pull the mind tricks like, oh, we're making truly remarkable progress. 40,000 people have died in 24 hours.

No, we are making truly remarkable progress. And each time they do, it's not working. None of us believe that you have not pulled the mind trick. You are lying to us. But they keep going, they keep trying. And you gotta admire that. Yep. And they enjoyed your live action fact check.

If there was more of that in news, we'd be better off. Well, if there was live fact check in all news programs, a 24 hour news channel would not have enough time in the day to talk about it all. I just want to mild penalty electric collar. You can't let her live after. Check it. Ah, but no, but no required. Look,

Wikipedia, but. I can't, that can be devastating for the environment. The amount of electricity that would be needed for that could, could end this planet, you know, yeah, sooner than it's already due to end. I'll start on the pen. And, look, go ahead. I was going to say, Anthony Fauci, it was, took a slightly opposite view to Pence. Pence, as we said, held truly remarkable progress. Fauci said America has a serious problem. I guess you just need to put them together, truly remarkable progress into a serious problem. So there you go. It's just two people saying one thing.

But as Trump is eventually going to refer to him, chicken little Fauci is just making a big deal about this because he used the science. Well, yes, science. When does science ever do this world, then? All I know is that it made the world rounder than it needed to be. It made things fall out of trees. It didn't use to fall out of trees like apples.

It used to be able to sit under an apple tree before Isaac Newton came along with his science. It's sit under an apple tree, confident that tree confident you want to get smashed on head by falling through it i mean that that that is the kind of trump and pence's approach during the a recent press conference with with the uh... with the team uh... pence said that uh... increased testing uh... is generating more cases he He says, quote, it's almost an argument that more testing is generating more cases. Now, I

would say it's not almost an argument. It is definitely argument that testing is leading to more cases because we're in the middle of a global pandemic. Right. Now, it's not that the tests cause the disease, right? Even though that is consistent with Trump's logic, it's that it reveals the truth, right? So basically, Trump's logic is consistent with this because if I don't tell the IRS how much money I have, I don't have to pay taxes on it. Right? It's not cheating if she doesn't know. This is consistent Trumpian logic all the way through. Pence also,

to his credit, was not wearing a mask, just like Trump Pence was not wearing a mask because like condoms, that's not what God intended to cover a major orifice. Right, absolutely. Because he's Christian and that's the thing he says. Well, he made orifices not to be covered. I mean, he's pretty skeptical about underpants, to be honest. But I could argue like with Pence and sex, he could have just cut a hole in the middle of the mask. Please don't say the word, Pence and sex again. That is certainly a book that never needs to be written. Also it's just strange, like Americans don't believe in wearing masks.

There are protests against public safety as if it's like a politically correct choice, something that's preventing you from living your life. It's like they might as well say, well, if I want to put a fork in the toaster, I damn well will. If I wanted, if I want to put out an electric fire with water, that's my right. Well that's why you, you, you, you people want an independence from Britain. The nation have great common sense where we do not stick forks in toasts and then jumping a bath with a lot of it. you, you, you, you people, one in independence from Britain, the nation of great common sense where we do not stick forks in toast and then jumping the bath with a lot of it. Just for clarity, which you people are you talking about?

Because I have two. I mean, taken out of context, that looks bad. I mean, even taken in context, it looks quite bad. It looks better if you mean the American part. What I meant was men. That was assuring to me. I meant men. Boris Johnson has warned the British public

against quotes taking liberties with social distancing rules after hot weather led to large public gatherings in Britain. Boris Johnson has warned British people against taking liberties. Now, can you please just go back and listen to that bit I did earlier and just change some of the words. Maybe just on a set of the bait of a bit you could say, I was getting harder and harder to come up with these things. It's like being told by Genghis Khan to find a nice girl and settle down, or in fact like being told by Boris Johnson to find a nice girl and settle down for that matter. Well, like being told by Marie Curie to just let diseases take their course because it's obviously what nature intended. Taking Liberty, if Boris Johnson is looking for a title for volume two of that autobiography,

taking liberties pretty much covers everything he's done this year. It works on different levels like all the best book titles. They argue that it's also like JFK telling you to duck. You may have that. You may definitely have that. Taking liberties is such a sort of a regency phrase. that's when you ask a lady for a second waltz, it's not man. That's the changes on the bus. I like that, those are the two phases of courtship. A second waltz or licking on the bus. There we go. So British people responded to Boris Johnson's suggestion that they don't take liberties with the regulations and abide by social distancing regulations.

By putting on their what would Boris Johnson himself and his pocket Machiavelli do wristbands and completely ignoring that advice, Britain's beach is once again reveled in their dual status as public, public, garbage, depot, communal toilet, and infectious disease laboratory. And there's been a lot of criticism about the number of people crowding onto Britain's Beaches and it shows how context is everything. I mean, everyone desperately trying to get on a beach at different times in history has been seen as heroic, even defining acts of selfless bravery. But in this particular D-Day, the D stands for Don't Give A Shit, not whatever it's done for in 1944.

There are different theories. Some people say it just done for day. Apparently, or da da, or don't try this at home, or ding dong, delivery for Dr. Deutsch. I forget which one was the official D. What's the beach situation in Australia? Because Australia is famously, as we talked about on the quiz, it's Gert by C, the beach.

Obviously, I have a backup beach in the entire centre of Australia. As beach culture been affected by the virus. I mean, only delightfully so in that the crowding of tourists has now evaporated, because we don't have any tourists anymore, which everyone is very pleased about except the people who make their money off tourism, which turns out to be quite a large proportion of our nation. But certainly the scenes of crowding, such as we're seen in Bournemouth, are not as common here. In Australia, if we go to a beach and there is one person on that beach, we go, oh well,

that one's taken. In other Covid complacency news tennis has been struck by a Covid complacency scandal. Jockovich UTM, the unsopable tennis machine, Novak Jockovich has discovered to his cost that the coronavirus is no respecter of the Serbian superstar's superhuman athleticism, technically perfect ground strokes and ruthless competitive edge and has dished out one of the biggest defeats of his career. It was a tournament that he was the figurehead of called the Adriator in the Balkans, a well-meaning contest involving players from the historically not often harmonious

region playing each other in several different cities. A lovely idea. The only problem was, turns out that there is a massive pandemic knocking around places like the world. So, putting 3,000 people in a small stadium, the players all hugging each other has got intended tennis players to do, and then going out partying like it's 1999 or indeed any other year before 2020 That has proved to be a bit of an issue in its part, you know an outbreak Jockovitch and several fellow of his fellow players and his coach have now been covered Tested and come back positive and like the reaction to his tournaments and the inevitable way that it that it ended I I'm happy he has COVID Oh that it's that it ended. I, uh, I'm happy he has COVID. Oh, controversial statement. He's trying to...

Are you just a hardcore federal fan? Is that it? Correct. And if, and if federal doesn't, it keeps his grand slam record, I hope Nadal gets it. Even though it's primarily on the French open, which makes it a little suspect in my opinion.

No, I know offense to Clay, but come on now. Uh, but yeah, f*** him, f*** his trash family. Oh, that's Clay. This is political correctness gone mad, Harry. Clay's fine, it's a little messy, I don't understand. Because why would one play on Clay? How often is there clay around? You play, you know, it's not like, oh,

I got to look at this, look at this, all this clay. What do we do with all this clay? We play on it, you play on grass, you play on cement, you play on different types of hard court. When is clay just around to play in? It's absurd. I mean, how often is X around, it's no argument against any form of sport?

How often are you surrounded by like eager teenagers bringing you a ball like this? A lovely little pun being sent in by Martin, the regular listener to the show, No Vac, Jockovich, and he's a nice and sceptical, so thanks for bringing your own puns to a bugle show. Um, does that mean you won't have any? I cannot guarantee or deny that. But it's interesting, it could be a new tactic, because Jacović has really come out of this very badly. And his opponents on court might, um, you know, eventually succumb to his incredible defensive

court coverage and precision engineering of his attacking strokes, but the virus Crucially did what the likes of Federer and Adal Murray and the rest of this tennis generation of so often failed to do against Jogovitch and that is Be a virus and With hindsight, but if only last year's epic Wimbledon final fifth set Roger Federer had tried being a Microscopic pathogen instead of the most beautiful tennis player of all time. He might have, he might have prevailed. Just some breaking news coming through on, on Covid, the United Nations has banned the phrase the new normal, which is long, long over due,

the worst phrase that has emerged in the English language this year, the UN's special rapporteur, brackets language and phraseology, came back to von Gertrude announced it's the most depressing collection of words ever fucking put together if I may exaggerate slightly, which I may do because I'm human, it's what we do. Von Gertrude continued as a planet in a species, we have to remind ourselves that these things are not the new normal, they are the temporarily acceptable abnormal TAAA! Which is a better acronym than... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm another veneer of a new normal branding. It's a shit-frize for a shit-frize. Hey, let's get it. There's no such thing as the new normal. By the time it's normal, it can't be new anymore. That's how normal it works.

Yeah, it should be banned. It should be banned. The new normal is just the inevitable passage of time. I pot. Yeah, that's a nice one. I'm going to put it in. Let's move on to American News now. Well, it's an election year, Harry. And you've already told us that you've fled America,

albeit only for another part of America The I mean how's it? I mean that the the polls look Less than promising for For Trump although I guess the baffling thing is for an outsider is how he's above 0.01 percent. Yeah, yeah Americans very stupid. I think it has to do with the chemicals we put in the food uh... americans very stupid i think it has to do with the chemicals we put in the food uh... biden has a real chance of winning this

if he does as little as possible right this is we just got it using uh... one sports analogy it's like a ropedo right you know trump can't stop swinging he'll punch himself out and all biden has to do is not say something stupid or the bigger risk die That's one using another sports analogy We don't need to be going for sixes and boundaries right now just Single runs just go for single runs back and forth just just stay on the wicked all day and we have this.

You like that Andy? You like that? I love the effort that you put in. But the Trump Tulsa story is, it's not a fascinating look at modern American politics. I guess it's another addition to the all-manacove sentences you would not have expected to hear if you'd been asked to think about the sentences you expected to hear at the start of this millennium, long title, very long book. And that sentence is, well obviously the present of America was scuppered by loads of fans of Korean pop music which led to a poor attendance at a mass rally during a pandemic of a virus that is easily transmitted to things like mass rallies, meaning that not many people

were there to see him talk almost exclusively about himself at a time of multiple deep national crises. I mean that is not a sentence you would have expected 20 years ago. Now that's you were biffed in back to the future too and you were given an encyclopedia instead of a sports almanac. Terrible to back. That's a terrible joke. He drew000 people as opposed to the tens of thousands he claimed he would draw, which on one hand I will say as a touring stand of comic there was a part of me that was like, oh man I can't draw 6,000 in Tulsa. Also it was a mistake. You don't go, I think it might have been the first time in telsa you'd book a five hundred cedar right i'm gonna sell it out

you do five or six of those people just are happy with sellouts like i just sold out six hate rallies in telsa that is impressive as opposed to i barely filled up a stadium you know i mean also he played uh tom petty's i won't back down uh... which the tom peddie family and uh... his estate did not like and they they filed a season to assist uh... to prevent him from using it uh... what was weird is that he used that

you know tom peddie tom peddie song but that he used that tom peddie song with their other tom peddie songs that would have made more sense for him like like free fallen for the US economy, or don't come around here no more for immigration, or perhaps most appropriately, walls. And this happens to, this happens to Republicans all the time when they try to use music, right? Because you know Conservative music sucks. So they try to pick music that they think It's more popular, which generally is from liberal artists like Ray Reagan did this with the born in the USA

Right springsteens hit George will be bush to this with the John Cougar melanchats on rock in the USA He was asked to stop doing it. I have the tiger by a survivor, right? Mitt Romney did that because that's the last song he had heard. And conservative artists suck. So this is what always ends up happening. So what I think that Republicans have to do in these situations, and Republican politicians have to use is go for what's free on the public domain, right? Because then there won't be season-disassist orders, right? How about you use the Tetris song, right?

How about you use an M.I.D.I. of the Back to the Future theme song, right? I'm not sure Tetris is appropriate. That's all about all different colors harmoniously linking together, isn't it? Yeah, but it's also about construction and building. And they like things like that. Also, why not just put the national anthem in a loop over and over and over again? The problem being that that means people will never sit down and would lead to people shitting themselves

and pissing themselves and starving to death, because the loop would mean that they would not be able to move and they would be frozen in that position or be called a hypocrite and not patriotic. Of course, the estate, it's the estate of Tom Petty, which has put out this cease and it's this Tom Petty having died last year, which is the very definition of not even over my cold dead corpse. And K-pop stands are suggesting some kicking tunes that Trump might use instead, including Da-Doo Da-Doo or Baboon Baboon by Momo Land, Ring Ding Dong by Shiny, Bang Bang Bang Bang by Big Bang and Fantastic Baby, all options date with K-pop and it was also a campaign run on Tick-Tock, which I'm not familiar with, partly because I'm 45 and anything that sounds like Tick-Tock, I'm obviously going to steer clear of a little bit too close to home. Petty's not the first musician or a state of musician who have expressed dissatisfaction

at Trump using their music Neil Young, a Rihanna, the Rolling Stones, Queen, the Queen, Erdwin Dunfire, the first two of which Trump is clearly very skeptical of. Guns and roses, only really into the first two of which Trump is clearly very skeptical of guns and roses only really into the first of those. R.E.M. Farrell, Glen Miller, Mozart, Bach, 12th century liturgical hit singer-songwriter Hildegard of Bingen, all birds and bird song and Solomon from the Bible, the star of the dance floor bump and grand classic, the song of Solomon. But I mean, I don't know, as you said, there's a piece of me no music that he could, he could, I mean, probably a few country songs, but there is a band, there's a band called Kids in Cages who have some stuff on soundcloud.

They would at least seem to have an appropriate band name, although I guess Petty is opposite and hard-breakers, certainly is if you're a fan of American democracy. There's been some Supreme Court action in the state's, State's Harry, Donald Trump has reiled against what he described as the Supreme Court's horrible decisions, recent rulings, including that gay and transgender workers should be protected by federal employment laws. That kind of horrible, horrible dissu- I mean, is he just, I think just no barriers left for him in terms of who he can offend, and he's almost kind of retreading old ground now. Well, I need to be consistent with his office.

We've lost, Harrow, we've lost, we've lost your audio. No, I forgot to hold a microphone. Oh, he is. How long have you been in show, Ms. Hari? It's been a while since I've been on stage. I moved my computer closer to the wall so I could have a plug point. I then spilled water all over the floor and then forgot about my microphone.

So here I am again. Are you saying? Oh, it's about the Supreme Court decisions. forgot about my microphone so here i am again you were saying all about the uh... the supreme court's uh... decisions well it's consistent it's consistent with you know the repart the republican party stands to be the pro discrimination and anti vulnerable people party this is it this is in the convention message this is what they they strongly believe in at this point

trump was mostly upset he couldn't fire anybody on the court uh... because that's not allowed uh... and he also in addition to saying these were horrible decisions uh... added and but but there's two cases right one was about uh... transgender rights and the other one was about uh... doca right dreamers undocumented Children being allowed to stay to finish their educations and get a path where this is and ship so in response

He said they're going to take our guns away We will lose the second amendment now neither case is about the second amendment But if you say they're going to take her guns away, it's like a bat signal For far right more. It's like it's up. It's the batshit signal essentially But I guess you know, let's let's try and be positive about I mean Trump gets criticized a lot on on this show and And I believe I've heard that's certainly the media outlets and not entirely positive about the man. But America's, I mean a lot of criticism

of America for the delusions that it's fed itself over the years and the hypocrisists, the myth, it's told itself and the world about it being a land of the free and a place of equality, opportunity, openness and tolerance, that it's not always lived up to. And at last, Tara, you've got a president who doesn't even pretend to give a shit about all that Who's quite open about his hostility to all manner of different minorities to foreigners to people who want to live that Bogas dream of America and people's not complaining you can't have it both ways America. You cannot have it both ways We wanted a change of pace We were you know we were good cricketers. Oh shut up. So in all some British

politics news as well, there was rather a fascinating look into the workings of politics. There was a motion, a motion in Parliament this week, put forward by the Labour Party, paying tribute to health and social care staff, expressing concerns about backlogs in the health system and children's mental health and waiting lists in the Covid era. And this motion put to Parliament continued that the House is concerned that the routine testing of NHS and social care staff is not currently in place and calls on the government to implement a programme of weekly testing of NHS and social care staff to enable NHS services to safely resume and ensure continuity of services throughout the winter alongside a functional national public test trace and isolate system. Now,

you would have thought there's nothing too controversial there after all the government has much trumpeted its test trace and isolate system But they voted against it and not only did they vote against it But they put forward an amendment Boris Johnson health secretary Matt Hancock and various other Conservative MPs put forward an amendment which struck out that last paragraph about putting in weekly testing for NHS and social care staff and replaced it with this and this House recognizes the unprecedented action the government has taken in its tireless efforts against

the coronavirus to protect the NHS and save lives. So what we have here, Bugleys and the wondrous workings of democracy, is not only voting against protecting the NHS and thus risking lives but then congratulating yourselves for protecting the NHS and thus risking lives, but then congratulating yourselves for protecting the NHS and saving lives. We've got not only refusing to do something that you'd obviously have been doing months and months and months ago, but failed to due to your own willful institutionally baked and incompetence, but then using Parliament to promote your own propaganda that you've actually done a f***ing terrific job, which you haven't and the clue was in the motion itself which with the amendment basically the emotion

changed, the emotion changed from things are shit, let's do better to things are shit, haven't we done well? Annie, I'm not sure if I agree with you on this, if doctors and nurses wanted to be protected from a terrible virus they would have decided to be bankers who can work from home, not heroically, life-saving darmedians. Well, I mean, that's fair, but they might as well have added to that amendment. Furthermore, this House acknowledges that Boris Johnson is an absolute dreamboat. The Labour Party causes piles, rickets, and leprosy, and that if you masturbate thrice

weekly over a photograph of Margaret Thatcher, you will live forever, hashtag, suck it, plebs. I mean, let's call this what it is. This is corruption. This is good, open, honest, legal, above board, democratically approved, British corruption voted for by pretty much every single conservative MP. The same people who just, you know, we go to a go or bleeding about people grafiting the statue of Churchill, have essentially just pissed in his face. But remember kids, respect democracy, stay at home, don't be right history, shut up and

piss off the big thing. I would love to piss in Churchill's face. He loves that too. That's the Indian part of you people, if you want to. Right. I was going to say, I don't remember't remember that from a very little bit of one of a less-known wartime songs. Now, let's move on from that.

I think we've all said things we'd rather take back today. Now, what's, I can't remember how we're doing for time. Oh yeah, we've got to, we've been, we had, I mentioned the Q and A at the start, we had any cues for us to A. Okay, let's have some questions from our listeners, stroke viewers, visual listeners. Just to get us going, ties this, this wants to know if any of you want to buy their new book Penson Sex.

Oh yeah. I've got an answer to the question. Penson Sex is the opposite from what I like in a man which is Sense and Pecs. I thought you were going to go with multi-million pounds and a platonic relationship. But um, I'll take it. Alice, you're a other news correspondent. What is the top other news of, so I lost control of the running order here. Labour has just sat their shadow education secretary for the foul crime of retweeting an article containing the suggestion that the US police learned to kneel on people's necks from the Israeli Secret Service, which is that beautiful mix of anti-Semitism, conspiracy theorism and the certainty that the Israeli

Secret Service is the best at being the worst in the world, which is either true, I don't know, or they have the best Secret Service PR team in the world. Which has got to be a hard job. You've got to hype up the Secret Service, but it's a secret. I mean, do you really need training to do that? Do you need training to put knees on next? It seems pretty straightforward it's a it's straightforward to do that ineffective bit of police work knee neck gasping dead marches riots fires end of democracy it's pretty straight forward a dance as old as time itself right well we are approaching the end of today's live bugle. Thank you very much if you've, well, for joining us.

Thank you, particularly if you've enjoyed it. Thank you for sticking with it, if you've hated every minute of it, but it's still watching. Don't forget, if you want to make a financial contribution to the bugle to pay for your ticket retrospectively for the show that you've just watched and help keep the bugle free, apart from the money that you're paying for it. And independent go to the Buglepodcast.com and click the donate button, you can make a one-off or recurring donation.

One final story and music news now. And a string quartet in Spain is going to be performing a concert in Barcelona, I believe, for plants. They are filling a concert hall in Barcelona with plants and playing pachini for it. And of course, this is not the first time in the history of the bugle that someone has done a concert for a non-traditional concert audience, longer term listeners. May remember that Lou Reed and his wife put on a concert for dogs just over 10 years ago, I believe, has certain cringe coming across Chris's face now as he remembers what resulted from that concert for dogs and friend of mine is really really excited very good friend of mine

she's boarder colleagues and the other side of my eyelids every time I close them not the golden wet weaver so anyway this is this concert for plants and friend of mine is really excited. He's massive in the health plant world. He was raising money for a house plant charity recently. The house plant industry has been very badly affected by Covid and many house plants have lost their sources of income. So he decided to put on a charity snooker match, and he wanted to put on a contest between the Russian ice hockey player and the New York Rangers Alex of Etchkin and the Egyptian sun god. And he said, can you make a quick note of that? And he just abbreviated the names and I the Al-Ov-E-R. So, over to the Snooker match and he said, who should we put on the guest list? And how about you invite your bugle producer, I've always enjoyed his works, easily my favourite podcast. And I think we

should invite the competitors' maternal parents as well. I said, sure, I'll jot that down. Chris and the mums. Chris and the mums. Anyway, so on the day, it turned out of Etchkin, the six foot three-inch, hundred and seven-pound hockey hunk was running late and my friend got started to get a bit nervous. He wasn't going to turn him up. He said, he's big-o near. I said, it's about five minutes away. So he turned up and of course, a Vetchkin likes to relax before a big game. And he has a massage. And we had a massage there because we liked that massage. But he got annoyed because the Massa wanted to chat with him.

And Vetchkin was just on a focus on the snooker. And so he said quiet, shrub. Anyway, of course, famously, as his own greener and money place hockey in the same one he's playing snooker and he brought me a massive fish tank with some huge fish in it. And I said, what a fish, what a day Alex and he said, that's my Marlin and this is my wife's pet tuner here. Pet tuner? Okay. Anyway, insisted on his ride of having some very trendy snacks or hit biscuits, hit biscuits, hit biscuits. When he told me some interesting things about before hockey matches, he imagines he's a huge

fearsome warlike creature like the ones in the Lord of the Rings and channels those feelings into his subconscious. And it's very effective, his orc id. Anyway, rather the Egyptian god as a poet was very confident, he said, I'm going to whip your ass, hockey boy, I'm going to thrash you. I'm gonna tan your hide ranger. Oh, anyway, so the game started and Vetskin saw an opportunity Aveskin beat Ravie, Egyptian son God, and he was pretty pleased with himself afterwards. Sadandie, I gave him a, I'm absolutely thrashed in. He must be glady, Ola, Ola agrees to the best of 5 frame match. Rav was devastated and eloquently

bemoaned his misfortune, it's some really moving words about how sad he was at his defeat and the Vetskin was impressed. He said, that's a sickle meant. But my friend, attention to the occasion, whether he was going to make or lose money on this charity snooker match, of course, for me, as this kind of bizarre rashes that come out on his backside and under his arms. And, well, he was suffering from considerable arse pit distress. Arse pit distress. Anyway, so we went back home and he saw the great collection of plants in his garden and

he saw these large black birds had cramped on his flower beds and he said, you bloody useless undersized fucking ravens, you shit for brain dinosaur castos, you can shove your own sinister sodding beaks whether son don't fucking shine, it was a real string of crow cusses. Thank you, thank you. Anyway, he was convinced he could make his plants grow faster with drugs, he grated and exositabled it over his flower flowerbed, gave him a lily. Anyway, he wrote an autobiography while it was awful sand or writing, real vile lit. Anyway, he went to Drowning Sorrows at a pub quiz.

It was his pub quiz where to save time, all the answers he only had to give the first syllable of the words in the answers. And one of the questions was which party leader won the first post-war British general election. And so the question master ended up saying, right, answer, answer question 24 about the post-war British election. Wincher is wrong, Claremat is the correct answer. No. No. Right. Anyway, so probably lucky I'm going to leave this kind of stuff behind now. And from next week I'll be going down to do BBC Radio cricket coverage along with the

BBC's cricket correspondent who likes to bring his collection of wild cats. So I'll be sharing a commentary box with Agas Panthers. And that is, that is niche. That is very, I, I pined for that to be over. I was, I had a great deal of impatience. Right. I couldn't see see Alice you rose above it. Hey. I feel like I've been listening to those for days and days.

I want to commit violence against you, Andy. Right. Well, anyway, let's all forget that happened. We were contractually obliged to do an hour long show today and I think we've already done about an hour and a quarter. Oh, we don't even believe in long on that. So you don't have to count that last bit of the show. I only remember the peak hour that you got for free anyway.

So unless you want to donate to the beautiful voluntary subscription scheme on a one off or a curing basis, go to the google podcast.com and click the donate button. I think I think that's I think that's the end. That's the end. Yeah, I'm written an end. Someone's just tweeted a little video of tumbleweed. What? What? What? It's kind of planned, Andy. Maybe it was a suggestion for another person. It's possible. I assume it's for one of your guys bits. So thanks. Thank you very much, everyone, who has joined us, who has contributed questions.

I do hope you've enjoyed your role to hear highlights of this show as this week's bugle regular podcast. How are you going to forthcoming shows online or telling that you'd like to alert people? A couple of things. First of all, it was recently announced that the Simpsons will no longer use non-minorities, I believe they're called white people, to do the voices of non-white characters. So that may or may not somehow be connected to my documentary, The Problem with Up Who, which is available now on Hulu and Amazon. If you are not in the US, I would try a thing called Torrance.

I get no additional money, so really knock yourself out. And also, I have a Netflix special, warn your relatives that has nothing to do with cartoon characters or me destroying your childhoods. Well, that's all the subjects, that was it, Alice, upon the last post of Eagles, sister podcast from another, I mentioned anything to tell our viewers about. Yes indeed my stand up special savage is available on Amazon Prime and it's sequel.

The resistance is also available on Amazon Prime even though I filmed it before I filmed savage it's all very complicated and time doesn't work linearly in the stand up universe. But also I'm doing a live show on next up for the next up comedy festival and that's sometime next month I could tell you the dates but I don't know what they are. Well thank you very much for listening I hope you've enjoyed it it's been a lot of fun to do and I mean not as much fun as doing it in front of actual people but I feel I've got to really know my webcam really well over the last few months. And I just enjoy trying to get some reaction out of it.

It just stares at me stony face. I think it's slightly laughed at one of those puns. Anyway, thank you for listening. Thanks Chris for all your efforts to make this thing work. It seems to go technologically superbly well by bugle standards. I mean, I'm guessing so, unless this is some kind of conspiracy who are just joking along, sending us messages whilst laughing at the fact that we've done 90 minutes that no one's

heard a word of. That would not be the first one I've done that in my career. I used to do late night stuff on Radio 4. So thank you very much for watching, stroke, listening. We'll be back with a regular bugle next week and we will have another one of these bugle live shows at some point in the not too far distant future. Thanks to Hari and Alice. Goodbye to you all. Bye.

Bye!