The Bugle - Bugle 4159 - Putin The Tooth In

Episode Date: July 3, 2020

Andy is with Tiff Stevenson and James Nokise to discuss Putin's eternal reign, New Zealand's epic survival and Britain and the USA's continuing omnishambles. Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanTiff StevensonJames NokiseAnd produced by Chris Skinner. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bughlers and welcome to issue 4159 of the Bughal Audio newspaper for a visual world. It's Friday the 3rd of July 2020. I am Andy Zoltzman and as soon as we finish recording this, I'm going to the oval cricket ground to have a COVID test.

Now, we on the show have recorded through the course of the year, many sentences you would not have expected to hear, really at the start of this year, or in particular at the start of this millennium. And well, as Chris pointed out, we're just about to record, that sentence, we're going to have a virus test at a cricket ground, I think can safely be added to that list. I'm joined today by, well, by Tiff Stevens and Tiff, have you had a COVID test yet? I haven't, I think I've had it, but just I want to be like all the cool kids, hop on with the trends. I think I had it early doors and so I should get the

antibodies test but I haven't had the official test yet but I haven't been out amongst mingling with people so until I do I guess then that will be because I believe it's not the most pleasant thing. Well let's find out from a manual, has had a test and reporting to us from a country that is in the massively abnormal state of normality. New Zealand is a big welcome back to James and Akisa. James, well, firstly, how you had a test this week, you said, what have I got to look forward to?

Not to brag, but we kind of clocked this thing And so just for kicks really just average New Zealanders like myself have just been wondering up and saying kind of get a test bro It's I basically there's a lot of nice chit chat and then they say just stare at that wall and and they say just stare at that wall and they stick you with a cotton bud in your nose until they feel the squishy brain at the end of it. But it sounds awesome. You're an English comedian. It's when you've had worse things hit the back of your nose? Yes. Absolutely fine mate. I was going to see I've had probably more uncomfortable experiences on stage, for example, at the Bird Cage Club in Leeds, where I had to leave the venue by the back exit to avoid

walking through the angry-looking crowd. But what's the life in New Zealand like now, James? Because whilst the rest of the world is still in states of, well, bearing between complacency and panic, which is a curious cocktail to have at the same time. What's how are things in the land of the normal? I feel we've really leaned into this Hobbitin metaphor and that we're just kind of carrying on drinking our pumpkin ale and running barefoot through the metals.

And outside of us, Mordor is just wreaking havoc. And we're just kind of oblivious going from whole to whole, saying, hey man, shoplet, don't go outside and like and some people wanted to go to Australia and it was looking good but then in the tradition of New Zealand Australian relationships Aussie fucked up so now we're just playing solo again it's good though it's like shaking hands is it is a you take there for granted yeah I never thought I'd get nostalgic for something like that oh Oh, it's really weird.

Yeah. Boris had a slutty handshake. That's part of what's... God, that Ramonesong. He's getting in shape now. Well, yes, he has been doing press-ups this week for cameras, which is not as useful for the nation as doing his job with even a vestige of competence, but I guess it's something. I guess it's better than not doing press-ups and still failing to do everything that

you want to prime minister to do. We are recording on the 3rd of July. On this day, in the year 1035, William the Conqueror became Duke of Normandy. Of course, he was not known as William the Conqueror by that point. His conquering days were still some way off. He was known then as William the seven-year-old boy, which is, I don't know, a good age to become a Duke. I guess you've got to learn on the job. As he always did with these things, he had a tapestry commissions, but because he was a seven-year-old boy, it was mostly of people riding bikes, climbing trees, and stuffing their faces with chips. He loved tapestries, of course, will in the conqueror, the not very Instagram of their day,

and the Bayer tapestry famously charting the Battle of Hastings in 1066 had an amazing amount of product placement in it. It's not just modern- films, but ebubonics, plague remedies, tablets and all that. You can see if you look at it right. Tomorrow, the 4th of July is Independence Day. On the 4th of July 1776, Georgie and the split squad got their declaration funk on and looking back. That was really the day when things started going downhill for both Britain and America. And I think with hindsight we can fairly ask whose independence from whom and even more, pertinently, for how long, and certainly less pertinently what is independence anyway. What's the point of going independent if you end up dependent on something else? For example, a rotten political system propped up by a sclerotic economic system and willfully divisive and delusion of faction remedia.

John Adams, future president of America, wrote to his wife, saying it ought to be commemorating as the day of deliverance by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty, which raises the question, why does God hate Britain, mummy? And he also said, in this in 1776, it ought to be solemnised with pomp and parade, with shows, game sports, guns, guns. He said guns. He said guns in 1776. Therefore, everyone must fire guns now by the immutable logic of America. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin, a shopping supplement. Trying to get the economy moving again here at the bugle. So do buy some of these products, the new online only perfume, virtual, download a description of what it smells like. Then imagine yourself smelling like it and tell people around you.

That's what you smell of. Very interesting psychologically. And some new unnecessary gadgets, including the Identitex Seat Recognizer 2.6X, the market leading seat recognition machine, simply affix it to your belt or trouser or skirt or other waste located clothing at the base of your back area. And it will bleep according to whether the object behind you is or is not a seat,

thus advising you whether or not you can sit on it. So you get a bleep for something you can sit on, a honk for definitely do not plonk yourself down here under any circumstances, such as if what's behind you isn't especially pointy stalagmite, a sleeping lion or the ledge of a grain silo. The premium version comes with a second beep pitched according to the lightly comfort of the seat. Also from a dented tech, the new improved shoe recognizer, a 4500 now crucially with night vision technology fully incorporated to avoid those awkwards sticking your foot in your pet terrapins face thinking It's a slippery 3am moments and other products the beaver agents brew hoist mechanical automatic tea bag crane

Simply affix your tea bag to the dangle hook on the load jib set the time it your desired strength of brew and move over over let physics take over strength of brew and move over over, let physics take over. And if you buy the mechanical automatic tea bag crane, you get the Bevere agent, twin shaft brew mixer, half price, simply pour your fresh brew tea, plus any milk and sugar into the brew mixer, and in under a minute you'll have a fully stirred and still hottest drink, assuming the cement has been properly cleared out after it was repurposed. Also a 4D printer, which also prints time. That section in the bin. Top story this week, Russia News and, well, Russia has been all over the news, the land of the Cold and Angry Bear, the land of literary geniuses and 1980s movie baddies, and the land of democratically untouchable dictatorship. Vladimir Putin, a man who's won more elections than

the great here as a democracy can dream of, this week has won every election between now and the year 2036, so superb performance from Big Vlad. There was a referendum in Russia in which basically Putin was cleared to remain in charge until 2036. It was a part of a range of things people were voting on in this referendum. Critics have claimed the vote was rigged and if you're in any doubt whether or not the vote was rigged, 77.92% of people voted in favor and surely that proves that this was an entirely fabricated vote because 77.92 1977 to 1992 is the exact span of the test match career of England, Cricket Legend, Ian Botham. So I mean you're in any more evidence than that. I mean, a surprising amount of

kind of cricket fandom in these little little references emanating from the Kremlin. But this is, you know, looking at the state of our own politics, it's just something we should be aiming for now to try and to try and to try and match what Russia is doing? I think worry if Boris Johnson has any kind of cosmetic surgery or plastic surgery because all I know is any male president or prime minister who's had cosmetic surgery is never leaving office democratically. I'm the stat really back that up. democratically. Yeah, I'm the stat really back that up. Yeah, you've got to think about the vanity of that, but you've got Gaddafi burlaskoni.

I mean, it was a forced resignation, but if they've had the surgery, they're clinging on, and their vanity says, I'm never leaving. I'm never leaving office. Apparently Trump has had some work done on his chin and it tracks, basically, it tracks. James, how much do you trust Russian democracy? I'm just trying to work out whether I'm closer to England or Russia before I answer that question.

In New Zealand, I'm not sure, I think we've been striking distance. I think the UK should be worried, because of Boris' doing push-ups. It's probably he's about to start taking off his shirt for the photo, it's mate. And as we all know, that's a clear sign on the pathway. So we're getting... I love the putin that has figured out that he's clearly gone, all right, when will I die?

Minus five, I reckon I could be president's up until the, like 16 more years. That's like maximum strength dictatorship. Just figure out when you're dying, work back and then boom. I think he, you see the picture of him going to vote. He looks so uncomfortable because he was wearing clothes. Like genuinely. Now you know how I feel when I record the bugle on these video calls. Deeply uncomfortable.

The vote says that he can move until 2036, but it was pitched as a vote on some constitutional changes, as you say, Andy, sort of hidden. So it was pitched as a vote for like that people would go, of course I want to vote for that, because it's like boosting minimum wages and pensions. And then there's just this huge terms and conditions, you know. You know, like at the end of any advert, you hear the season sees a plightful, I mean, a Putin more main president for life, you know, you'll be removed from the office when you

prize cold dead hands off the waters, no officials to hold Julesitz and ships ever, Patriots only, this bill will f*** over gay people, contractually binding to the end of time itself. Well, I mean, this, this, this, this kind of sliding in a ban on gay marriage into this, into this legislation was, I mean, certainly, I mean, it's a long thing for the Russian people to, I mean, it's very hard to understand, isn't it, as a non-Russian, but I mean, it's this, what is holding Russia back as a nation? It's not the institutionalized political corruption, it's not the state sanctioned commercial law, some of their natural resources, it's not the, the sapping militaristic political dissuading all the suppression of freedom and expression or even the vodka

it's the mere idea that our cardian ego have found love in each other's arms if that can be stopped all Russia will thrive for all time is the possibility of a fabulous wedding there's holding there's holding them back it's weird as well because I always think that the most closeted one like the most closeted ones are the biggest home of folks, aren't they? Like Putin's gay. I think Putin's gay. He's a bare back horse riding topless fishing Cosmetic tweakments. He hates pussy. Raya Just come out as a friend of Dorothy Vlad and you'll feel happier, you know? of Dorothy Vlad and you'll feel happier, you know? Oh, how good would those photos be if he had a mate

on another horse? They're chested, just two bros riding around Russia, dictating together, codec taters. You've got to admire how cold it is in parts of Russia for him to get the chest out in the first place. I'll be honest. It was getting maximum nipple, he's just advertising. It's wild that, I mean, we're kind of laughing at it, but I feel like it's exactly the kind of move that Boris or Trump would make, because they're

sort of under the rule of, I don't like to use too much of a Dracula reference, but I think Boris and Donald Trump are under the rule of Count Vladimir's power, and they're just running to their windows in their nighties, thrashing about, asking to be bitten in return for political immortality. Like if Boris shows up at PMQs with a scarf round his neck to hide two puncture wounds. I am correct on this. We will keep an eagle eye on it. Critics claim the vote was rigged of Vladimir Putin responded, which vote? Oh, the referendum.

Or the vote I held in my own head with an electorate of me on whether or not to rig the referendum. That vote was entirely free and fair. Putin justified the vote by saying he wanted to stop the search for a successor that could leave him as a lame duck. Or be it kind of Kaiser Soze lame duck that isn't really lame and isn't really a duck and as eaten all the other ducks, Kremlin critic Alexander Navalny was quote, is saying the updated results are a massive lie. They have nothing in common with the opinion of Russia's citizens. And I'm sorry, Alexa, but you misunderstand democracy. Have you never followed a British general election

or an American presidential election? The opinion of the citizens is not something that elections are supposed to try to gauge. It's something that elections are designed to overcome. That's a key error. Andy, you leave Alexei alone. He hasn't got long to live. Let him enjoy his life. Sorry. That dude is dead. I'm sorry, Alexei. Good on you for speaking up, but you know the rule. In other Russian news, Trump's administration is coming under increasing pressure to explain how much it knew about allegations that Russia was offering bounties to Taliban fighters

to kill American troops, officials have claimed that Trump was not personally informed, but was given written, but it has a moat that he was given written briefings, so I guess he has a legitimate excuse which is that everyone knows he can't be asked to read things, which it's not ideal in a president, that's like having a surgeon who can't be asked to use surgical implements, but I guess we can't judge him for that, I often don't read things I should read like the dress code on invitations, never go to a christening dress as the child snatch her from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or to a summer class dressed as the Grim Reaper and I never even read that book. I was given when I left both school and university

entitled how to leverage your privilege private education to control politics the economy and society which was foolish oversight and most of my peers did of course read it cover to cover but This is bizarre the idea that Trump But this is bizarre, the idea that Trump, he's said to ignore the president's daily brief, which is another one of those sentences you didn't expect to hear, like Queen Norse is still twitching raw swan during state opening of Parliament. That was another sentence you didn't expect to read, and indeed haven't read, because she'd never do such a thing. She's the Queen and she likes to eat in private. But, um, interestingly, the reason I crown has that purple cloth in the middle is to hide a beer can holder so she can quietly enjoy a cleansing pint at T. Your state occasions.

But, US President can't be asked to read official briefings. I mean, that is in historical context. That is almost as f***ing ridiculous as anything else has happened. But what do you expect he can't be asked to blend his makeup in? I mean his foundation is all over the place. Why would he bother reading? His literal and metaphorical foundations all over the place. His press secretary did come out to say he's the most well-read president that ever did president and he is very across everything. Like this was just yesterday and wouldn't have it because I think the New York Times came in and sort of said, is it true he knew about these Russian bounties which by

the way sound like a terrible chocolate bar. And she was like, she was simultaneously having to walk the tight, is like kind of walking a tight rope whilst juggling of saying he's the most well-read, he's across every briefing, but at the same time going he has no awareness of any Russian bounties being in place. So completely contradicting herself. Really?

You're gonna make him politics. Yeah, but so the suggestion is that Putin had paid Taliban soldiers and there's like 29 soldiers I think that they're saying it could possibly be. Isn't the plot to ram both three? In other Russia news, MPs in Britain have described as utterly reprehensible a delay in issuing the report into Russian interference in British politics, which was completed last October by the Intelligence and Security Committee, and should have been ready for publication within a fortnight of being delivered to Downing Street in October. But it was delayed because

well, well, there was an election coming up and there could be another one within five years and another one, five years after that, so please everyone just piss off. The committee has now not met since the general election in 2019 to a who would have thought it gets so nostalgic for 2019, which is the committee's longest furlough since 1994. And 30 MPs wrote to the Prime Minister last month to push for the committee to be reconstituted and said the refusal to publish the report raised questions about the transparency and integrity of Britain's democratic process, which is like raising questions about the efficiency of the engine and quality of the paintwork in a chicken. It obviously doesn't exist however much we want it to even if it

would be a lovely idea that would probably benefit everyone. So, why has this report still not been published? Well, there are only two explanations possible. Reason one, British Modesty. The report paints the government in such a good heroic light that they don't want to show off about it. All reason two, well it's pretty obvious what reason two is out of thought. but we're British and throughout our God-given history we've been completely honest, open and morally unimpeachable. So let's assume it's reason one, with that innate sense of fair play, how did handed down to us from history,

hew indeed, from the living rock of Stonehenge itself. So it's just, yeah, it's just the government just doesn't want to show off about yet another success. It's starting to get tedious. New Zealand news now and James Yorther Beagle's correspondent for New Zealand and the entire Pacific region encompassing what over half the world's surface. So some exciting news from New Zealand's side, aside from the fact that life is actually happening there. But in particular some, well, disappointing news for New Zealand's alcohol drinkers. Yes, New Zealand's alcohol drinkers, which make up 98%

of the population down from 99 during lockdown. I've had a nasty shock this week because it turns out one of the owners of our wineries as a Trump supporter, which really is a cotton bud in the nose to win drinkers who like nothing better than to get drunk and forget about politics. And it turns out that Bill Foley, the American billionaire who's the owner of several New Zealand wines, has donated $25,600 US dollars or $4 billion New Zealand dollars to Donald Trump's campaign. And what's been particularly bad is that these are popular wines. These aren't just niche wines. One of them is Mount Difficulty, or it's now known Mount More Difficulty.

Roaring Meg, Russian Jack, which is probably, I mean, that's a red flag, really. I'm going to the dots. And mysteriously, Teke Lanna, which is obviously a vignare with a Māori name, the Māori supporters of Trump, not a large community worldwide. There's Brian and Hannah, and we're very disappointed in them. That's... Um, to $255,600 by coincidence is the cost of the amount of wine you need to drink in one sitting before you start to believe anything Trump says. So it's got a symbolic figure. And I don't know, as it's affected, the way New Zealanders are enjoying their alcohol, because there's a psychological side of taste, isn't there?

There's very kind of an emotional side as well as the sort of physical side of it. And, you know, I guess it might change the tasting note, so on the nose, this wine has a lightly floral bouquet with notes of black current and apricot and velvety undertones of caged Mexican child. LAUGHTER Oh, man, it's horrible when you realize just like some of the brands you love.

I looked this up the other day on Instagram, someone like put a list of brands that had like heavily donated to the Trump campaign and I was like, ah, you know, because I've been saying for years like economic progressivism, like vote with your wallet is a good idea, you know. But then also, if I was in New Zealand right now, it would depend on how much I need to drink. Like if it's the only bottle left in the store and you've had a shit day, you're gonna be like,

I don't give a shit if he backs, Genghis Khan, put it in my face. So that kind of fiscal morality works if you can afford it and have access to it. Also, I just wanted to say fiscal morality. Is that a thing? It should be a thing. Well, I mean, ideally, yes, it would be, but I don't think it is yet. Well, certainly, you just don't know where the money that you give to businesses goes. And the bugle voluntary subscription scheme,

all that money goes directly to the Trump campaign, because if he doesn't get elected, we're going to have nothing to talk about for the next five years. So if you want to join the re-elect Trump campaign via the bugle, do go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button to make a one-off or recurring donation to the show and join our voluntary subscription scheme. But at least the labels are honest on these wines, James. You mentioned Russian Jack,

of course, a White House advisor. Rawring Meg is a very, very angry voter in one of the southern states with a load of the salt rifle shouting at traffic. And Mount Difficulty is a euphemistic term for Stone Mountain, the largest barrelief sculpture in the world depicting three Confederate leaders from the American Civil War. Is it Vavassaur or Vavassaur? One of the other ones. It's Vavassaur, which is of, as you will know, a Samorn name for winery, a Sam Horn name for winery, meaning bitter about American colonialism. I did it was frongly for Go Sauer, which is of course what American democracy has conclusively done. I like to take all my sour grapes in life and turn them into a lovely grannash.

So maybe that's what's been happening with those wines. I think I'm like a wine as well actually. I like to think of myself as being like a fine wine you know like because I'm proved with age and I'm full-bodied and good with meat. I'm readily available in most bars and restaurants. COVID, COVID pending. I'm often fast-smashed on the kitchen floor. Difficult to get off people's carpets. Spent the first 12 years in my life in a cellar. You know that kind of thing.

I don't know how far I can stretch that. Can I take that any further? I don't think I can take that. This is the bugle tiff. Take it too far. Take that as the limit. That is what this show is all about. That is what this show is all about. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has described his dangerous call to reopen New Zealand's borders

and it's highlighted James that one of the great problems of the success that New Zealanders had in locking down and isolating itself from the virus is now the difficulty of working at how and when to open up again. No such problems here in Britain, we cleverly never got on top of it and now we're in a position to safely think what the f*** with steady-wight, come for holiday everyone. Yeah, I have to say for people who are really keen to just be on your own. You've kind of flipped it around halfway through the year, haven't you? Yeah, it's always, as you say, New Zealand right now, do you know what? It's, it's worked so well over here. You have to feel for the political opposition in New Zealand, because I swear to God, the

headlines are actually, ah, we should have moved to level one days ago. That's the level of pet. Yes, they have to result too. And we did have a small drama where two ladies coming over from England, they got permission to drive down through the country and they hadn't got to test results back. So they weren't supposed to stop anywhere

and it's quite a long drive. It was about an Edinburgh to London drive for the British listeners. But it was okay in the end because we were assured they peed on the side of the road and now we, I think they're getting Queen's medals for hero ship during the pandemic. Me and my mum just really had to make that trip. I do think, I do think, ping at the side of the road for women is heroic actually James. I would agree on that because you guys, we have like, you guys have a hose so you can direct it. We have more of a sprinkler system.

It's very risky, depending on what you're wearing. This show is an educational for any kids listening during lockdown missing school. We are a little biology class, right? I get what you're saying about the opposition, because it seems to be the opposition are like, we can't stay closed forever. Like we have to think about like, you know,

what about Australia and Jacinta, as usual, is just like, sure, like in a bit. Likeinta, as usual, is just like, sure, like, in a bit. Like, is it really like kind of like, we've talked about it in little, but like, it's so New Zealand have done everything right. Why would you risk letting the infected masses back in? Like, if you look at somewhere like the US and because I have a visa, I have been looking.

So they've started doing gigs again They're do their ad but comedians are back out doing shows So like all the LA broke comedians have it. There's a there's a serious outbreak of bravid in LA And podcasts are gonna be heavily expected so we're expecting to see the stats on that soon Like but a few of them have gone out on the road They've confirmed like Brendan Schwab, Brian Callum, which probably means Joe Rogan has it, like they're all doing each other's podcasts.

And I think like what's frustrating about this, I guess is the the bro comedians are all on their podcasts. I just, I want to say like, I don't see scientists coming into your gym, knocking the barbell out of your hand. So stop spouting nonsense on the virus and pandemic. Telling people not to wear masks. People are dying gym.

And I know this is a bit meta to talk about another podcast on a podcast, but there was a great bit of sort of Bill Burr talking to Joe Rogan, where Joe another podcast on a podcast, but there was a great bit of sort of Bill Burr talking to Joe Rogan, where Joe Rogan was like, I don't think we should wear masks. Bill Burr was like, I'm not going to sit here smoking a cigar with a backdrop of an American flag, telling people like pretending that we're scientists, well we're not scientists. You know, it's insane. So I think you've nailed it, New Zealand. Well I can tell you the happiest people I've seen in New Zealand are American tourists who

are trapped in New Zealand. Just one more, I know, I know we can't leave. Oh no, we can't leave. I guess we can't leave. Oh, no, we can't leave. I guess we're here now. And of course, when it comes to foreign policy, fans of New Zealand will know we have the year and our year policy for people coming in and out of country. And just in just a sec on, we're at, nah, we might go back to year in a bit. We were year, then we went to nah, and now we're just looking to go back to year in a bit. We were year, then we went to now, and now we're just looking to go back to year pretty soon.

Very much like the No Warris, some Warris Australian policy. Yeah, I do not know. They're definitely in some Warris. Some Warris right now, mate. BLEAR RINGS On the subject of Australia, if you're the Bugles Australian military industrial complex

taking the world correspondent. Big news for the Indo-Pacific region. Australia is boosting its defence spending by 40% according to Prime Minister Scott Morrison and focusing on the Indo-Pacific, which Morrison described as an area that will be the epicenter of rising strategic competition, which coincidentally is a euphemism used in 19th century English translations of erotic Roman poetry to replace the word penis. Yes, it's Scott Morrison flexing his missiles. Nice, nice.

I mean, they're spending $270 billion Australian dollars, which in you came money, I think is a **** ton. To acquire missiles with long range strike capabilities. And I sort of agree with you, Andy, it's like, lad, just get your dicks out and measure them. We're bored now. We're bored of this. All of this money that could be spent on universal income during the corona crisis or on

vaccines or to help poverty and get people into homes. And all Australia need to do is take a look at New Zealand. And I don't want to sound like an Instagram post, but nuclear free and thriving is New Zealand. And you have to look at the technology that backs this as well. There was a report out recently that in the nuclear weapons in the US were running off a 70s computer. And you think, God, if one of the biggest superpowers is running nuclear missiles with 70s computers, what are we doing in the UK?

A Casio calculator and a handcrank. Genuinely terrifying. Gary, what are the launch codes again? Like, I don't know that anyone should be trusted with this technology, especially, or anyone should be trusted with nuclear weapons, with 70s technology behind them. And is this what we should be spending money on? I think that the nuclear codes here are still used one of those old, was it Simon Says Games, which, you know, are those toys with different colour of things in each corner

and they light up and make a noise and you've got to repeat, I think that's the technology, the power factor, actually, you loved it, lucky you should've got it. The UK version is now called Dominic Says, isn't it? That's what it's been. says. Isn't that? Britain news now and while the British lockdown is entering another phase of dismantlement this weekend, we're going to be allowed to do more things and we are allowed to do last week. But at a press conference today, Boris Johnson, is going to warn apparently that we are not out of

the woods just yet when it comes through this virus. So says the man who threw the compass and map out into a ravine when we first went into the woods and said, I can feel my way out of anywhere. I'm British. I'll drop some bread crumbs on the way. We'll be fine. He also said, let's not blow it now. This is the man who in the early days of the crisis effectively got down on his knees, opened his mouth and blew the coronavirus. Family show, sorry. The government is relaxing its quarantine scheme, what do you give it? It's official name, the massively belated logistically incoherent and devotedly incompetent

quarantine scheme to allow people to come and go from more countries. And there's announcements on restrictions on what can be done at weddings. Hands must be washed before and after the exchanging of rings. This seems tokenistic. I'm a bit rusty when it comes to weddings. Mine was way back in 2004, but aren't the people involved about to, shall we politely say, do something slightly less obviously hygienic than putting bits of metal on each other's fingers? Ceremonies have also been, we'll also have to be kept quite short as reasonably possible

and limited as much as possible to just the parts that are legally binding, which somewhat takes the romance out of weddings. We are gathered here today to get down to the legal nitty gritty as expediently as possible at this financially blessed union of the legal entities that are Mark and Debbie. You may now hand the contract to the bride. No raised voices allowed at weddings, which, well, that's a passive aggressive start,

the all blissful lives together. No shouting. One of the great wedding traditions is someone shouting, it should have been me! From the back that's now out which might be a good thing. And no food and drink will be consumed as part of the event. Just make you think if Jesus were around today and I'm not saying he's not, but if he was, he'd probably miraculously up by turning water into a 60% alcohol based hand sanitizer. It's a, a, It's a, if you're excited about the, excited or terrified about the,

the relaxation of our lockdown. The loosening up of the lockdown. I think we should, well, I mean, Boris is suggesting that we socially distance like he does from a love child. So that's still happening. It's now one meter instead of two meters, but I do think a man's idea of length is questionable at best. I know that they're like doing lockdowns in isolated areas, so one of the things Boris announced after his push-ups. Like imagine thinking, just on a side note,

that your lack of physical prowess will make us forget how many people have died. But he was saying, well, lock down locally, and it looks like Leicester might be doing that. And then the BBC did a big report, but I couldn't help laughing at it, because it said local cases in your area. So they were referring to like lock down local cases in your area, and they were referring to like lockdown local cases in your area and you

can go on and check, but it just sounds like one of those sexy girl adverts that are on late night TV, you know where they say there's there's sexy girls in your area, local cases in your area. Here's our under 30 selection. As you can see, mainly asymptomatic but up for it. 40 plus cases in your area underline conditions but still waiting to take your call. 50 plus, heavily subscribed category and potentially lethal call now for all your horny COVID needs. Oh, there's another sentence you didn't want to hear. Yeah. It's a lockdown's been too long. Ornie, ornie, COVID needs. Like how are they going to police this though?

Are they're going to be like, is there going to be people at the city limits? And what are the city limits? So what's the city limits of Leicester apart from their limit of comedians they can take every February? I think that's right up there with Leicester's limits. But how is this going to work in actuality? Oh, I don't know. I mean, practical logistics are not something that really should be

thought about in these things, if we're British. You know, you've just got to feel it. What about if you're in like the, is it it is Coventry next to Leicester? I think Leicester and Coventry are like what if you're in there? It's quite close yeah I mean a Darby and Nottingham and Loughborough are the nearest talking to someone who studied in Leicester here. Right okay so what if you're in the Biffins Bridge for one of a better phrase between Lester and Nottingham. Does that like? Lovely, isn't it, Billy? What if you're in one of the Gooch Towns?

How does that work? Very interesting, Tony. Ha ha ha ha ha. How do you, how do you, yeah, he must be upset that that has become a euphemism for the bit between the balls and the arseholes Like you good towns and their heavy viral load Is anyone gonna say family show is anyone gonna say that's always the subject stiff

Yeah, so I just I wonder how realistic it is and And in the places where they are kind of like restricting lockdown, does that mean everyone is back into like isolating in their house or, because I've been out and I've seen people, there's about 10% of people wearing masks, people in shops are wearing masks. And so we're in this sort of stage now where I could, I could, people, it seems like everything's back to normal here, apart from the fact that I can't do my job and I can't hug my mum. So I don't understand. Yes, very, very strange stuff, I've had plenty of audiences that say, I can't do my job either, so I might as well do it differently.

But you know what I mean? Like opening shops and stuff but we're still sort of not, we haven't lowered the rates of infection again and I feel like even looking at James at this point he'd be like just do what we did, which was deal with it properly. Oh and also be three hours flight from the nearest country. I think that's... That's... That's the... I mean, you know, not to take away from what we've done, but, you know, it helped isolation as easier when you are isolated. Yes, if only Britain had a moat that was normal. So I think 22 miles wide, but the narrowest point.

Have you guys started counting the Welsh numbers yet with your with your English numbers? Or are you guys still just going? Ah, it's just this amount Look num what is what are numbers numbers are just a perception? Not really really Andy's ultimate really what are numbers and these ultimate are saying that sentence? What yeah, I'm not apart from when they're about sport when they are of course gospel truth. I mean who had I say who what's the larger number the runs of Jeffrey Boycott or well. So... What that brings us the end of this week's Bugle,

we are having a week off next week due to crickets being back, and if my impending brain probing is successful, I will be there, and we'll report back on the following bugle about what life is like in a bio bubble watching elite sport. I expect it to be one of the strangest experiences of mine or anyone else's lives. James, tell us about your other podcasts and things that our listeners can find you on. I can find you on my podcast, Eating Fried Chicken and a Shower, which I'm looking forward to finishing off the latest season, now that we're up and running again. Or you can see me live by flying to New Zealand and quarantine for two weeks.

Diff. I would like to plug my YouTube channel because I'm trying to put some content up on there, including old rope shows. Old rope is on Instagram live 9pm every Monday. You will see various, I've got to get you on, actually James, you'll see various bugleers on there as well as all the other people that kind of do the show regularly in London. So that's 9pm on a Monday. The YouTube channel is TIFF Stevenson comic and I'm trying to get enough subscribers to monetize it. So get onto that and also I'm doing a show as part of the next up comedy festival which is a Zoom festival on July the 18th. So you can buy tickets for that and watch from anywhere in the world depending on what time

8pm GMT is to you. So, what time is that in New Zealand, James? That will be 7am in New Zealand. Yeah, I'm expecting people in New Zealand to get up for that. They will. It's a beautiful make-a-mourning coffee, chuck on some tip-stevens, have yourself a time. Yeah. Well, thank you both for joining us.

There will be a sub episode out next week and we'll be back the following week with issue 4,160. Until then, goodbye. And we will play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join the Bugle Voluntary Subscription Scheme, or to give a one-off contribution to the show, go to the BuglePodcast.com and click the donate button. Simon Betzen wishes Piranhas would chill out.

Whatever it is that has made them so angry, says Simon, they should talk about it like adults instead of trying to self-justificate their behaviour to themselves by saying, well we're piranhas, it's just what we do." Michelle Davis managed to persuade a schoolteacher that for summer homework, she had read a work of ancient Greek epic poetry called the Shithead. Michelle was issued an official school reprimand when the teacher in question wrote the title of the poem out in very big letters on the blackboard. Michael Cain's developed a version of the hit computer game Minecraft in which all the

objects were round instead of cubic blocks. It was quite fun for a while, explains Michael, until you started getting frustrated that everything you built rolled downhill. Maybe I should have put fewer hills into the game, concedes Michael, that might have helped. Owen Kendler has developed a new type of safety gun to try to help reduce casualty statistics around the world. When you pull the trigger on Owen's gun instead of a bullet flying out, a model bird pops out of the end of the barrel and makes a bird noise. Owen got an Austrian company involved, but sadly the money ran out and the Cuckoo

Glock was never made. Dan Cope is much taken with the thinking behind this idea and suggests that to help America maintain its second amendment right to bare arms and its fourth and a half amendment right to willfully misinterpret amendments, all guns should be fitted with a 45 minute delay between pulling the trigger and the gun firing. That should give everyone a chance to either calm down and reassess, says Dan, or flee to a safe distance. And Jay Shruttenbauer wonders whether if Mozart were alive today he would write a concerto for helicopter fire engine and orchestra. I think he'd probably have ended up doing some really weird stuff, says Jay. Bear in mind, big Wolfgang would be over 250 years old now, and probably bored shitless,

so I reckon he might even do a sonata for four rubbish bins and a frying pan. Here, I've written a version of what I think it would be like. Do you want to hear it? No thanks Jay, because we've run out of time. That's the end of this week's lies. Goodbye. Goodbye.