The Bugle - Bugle Q&A – Andy Zaltor Zaltzman

Episode Date: April 5, 2013

Andy Zaltzman answers your questions, with help from Producer Chris Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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sorting out some stuff for them over there. So no full bugle this week but we have this sub-bugle which is an exclusive world exclusive Q&A with me and his ultimate and Chris the producer who are currently in our respective houses using the magic of the internet and Chris has been fielding questions on Facebook and I've been taking your questions on Facebook and I've been taking your questions on Twitter so hopefully we'll resolve all the burning issues that have really been getting at your bugly hearts. So Chris what's what's been sent in to you on Facebook? Well Andy I like this one from Sean Ellis

for a start. For some years having having only heard you on the radio, I firmly believed that you and John were the same person, and John was just a character you had invented for the Daily Show. Can you confirm that this is or isn't true? If true, how long do you spend in makeup? And I guess I would like to add to that. If true, why are we doing this episode here now? Well the reason we're doing this episode here now is to maintain the illusion. Ah! Clearly. So yeah, it's true basically.

Yeah, I mean that's, it's not that John needs me. I have a twin who looks exactly like me. But my look just wasn't sailable. So every day he gets into my cup as John and he has a special chip implanted in his head. I'll communicate directly with him on a real-time basis. Are you qualified to put chips in people's heads? Well, I'm not entirely. I mean, the scarring is largely not visible under the wig. So, basically, yeah, that is true. Bank of rights, absolutely. Bank of rights.

Now this one came in on Twitter from Deed Elvis who writes and says he submitted this question to John before, who's roof? Would you paint a massive penis on and why? Oh my god, someone's asked that on Facebook as well, you'd never believe that. Oh, could very well be the same person, I guess, using a multi-format questioning techniques. What, I don't know, it's a good question, that. I mean, the obvious candle that is is probably the Pope, because, you know, I guess, you know, the Catholic Church cannot be because you know I guess you know the Catholic Church cannot be extricated from the penis. The two are been linked really ever since

the very beginning of Catholicism. The penis of course has helped produce a lot of Catholics more than some people would consider ideal. Not all Catholic penises have been used, well quite as much self-control as they might have been, but also the penises of course a symbol of fertility and of God-given life. So I think really it would express all aspects of Catholicism historically and in the 21st century. And also most domed churches Don't Churches are pretty much three quarters of the way there anyway. So I think I'd go for that, you know, you look at Buckingham Palace as well. That's really crying out for a penis on the roof. If only for the aerial shots of when the Queen has to flee in a helicopter when the revolution kicks off at some point, when people realise that the

Olympics and the Jubilee aren't coming back. There's quite a lot of questions coming on on the North Korean crisis which clearly could make this the last ever bugle if Kim Jong really puts his bombsware as increasingly erratic mouth is. Chris, what's your, I mean you can send up there in North London, the prospect of North Korean missile wiping out the entire city? No, I'm not confident that he could reach North London to be fair. South London, different case. Yeah, I mean, that's obviously where you'd go to.

I believe that's the limit, that he's basically got a got enough petrol in the tank to sort of reach Bermansy but but but but as just know for the river we're just fine so good luck with it and all this this question came in on Twitter from Dr Evil who writes the rebel the rebel I believe I don't know if he's I think he's a surgeon actually isn't his name is Mr. Evil. You're on a crashing plane. And there is only one other parachute. Do you give yours up, or who do you choose between Chris and John? Well, to be honest, if I've got a spare parachute, I'm keeping it. The other two can fend for themselves.

I've got a kiss to look after. I can't risk only having one parachute, no matter if that does lead to the certain death of the other members of the bugle team. It's fine, I could use John. Yep. I could just grab one arm and a foot and see if he makes a makeshift parachute. Well that's what he's in Hollywood, he'd probably have a stuntman suddenly turn up and do it for him. Lots of stunts in the smurfs. And a very simple question from Eric Stavitsky.

A story, Stav Nitsky. What's your middle name? My middle name. I have no middle name. Oh no. Yeah, that's just, just Zaltor, the morseless. Is that what you would choose it to be if you had to point one? What, Zaltor? Yeah, I think Andrew Zaltor's also. Yeah. I have no middle name. Oddly, my think Andrew Zaltor's also here.

I have no middle name. Oddly, my brother and sister both have a middle name. Oh, no. But, uh, but I don't. My dad has no middle name, but he has the first name Zachariah, so he frankly doesn't need one. No. Whereas, you know, kind of fairly limp.

Middle of the road, first name, my Andrew. I think I could have done with it for the working middle name. And Zaltor fits, I think. Yeah have done with it for the working middle name and Zoltar fits I think yeah And you've got one from Michael Rogers would you rather fight a horse sized horse or a hundred duck size ducks? Well That's a tough one actually I don't know the I mean you think I don't know if ducks work as a team. I mean, I think the duck could be easily threatened by just waving some pancakes and some plum sauce.

I think they'd probably make a tasty retreat. The horse of the horse is coming out. You want to just put on your French chefs outfit and see it run for the hills. So I think really you wouldn't want to take either of them on physically. I think you're asking for trouble. It's a psychological battle with East Critch, isn't you? Have to use the threats of the kitchen to overcome them. You're assuming these animals talk English, though, Andy? Well, yeah, I mean, you'd expect most horses would have learned basic French as a means of self-preservation. Yeah, I don't know. I think you are fighting a horse and we saw that with the famous suffragette Emily Davison who attempted to fight a horse and was killed by it at the derby.

She really lost that one. Yeah I mean to the problem is she tried to rugby tackle the horse and you got to go low on a horse when you're rugby tackling the horse right around the ankles. be tackled the horse and you've got to go low on a horse when you're hungry tackling horse, right around the ankles. She went too high in the horse, of course, handed her off and the rest sadly is history. But all turned out fine in the end, women can now vote, so we're probably worth it. This question came comes from Sticky 2000, who writes, where's my f***ing merch? And, well, the answer, as anyone who follows the bugle Twitter feed, well, no, it is extremely imminent now. I've already been saying that it's been imminent for about a year and a half now.

But it's now more imminent than it's ever been. And I've put up a picture of the samples that we've been sent that will be on sale, hopefully within a week or so so and definitely within two weeks. And if they're not available within two weeks, then they will be available shortly after that. That's as far as unprepared to go. But the merch is just incredibly imminent. It's almost unfeasably imminent. And the weight hopefully will make the realisation or the more delectable. Are you going to model it Andy? Am I going to model it?

Yeah, well when I get it I will. It's not I'm not the model in the picture. That was not me. I want to see you in Bugal Hotpants, Bugal Vest, sipping from a Bugal mug. Well, I can do the Bugal Vestan mug. The Hotpants will be in trance two of the merchandise. But do tell any coming. Well with one with me on one jig and John on

the other. I think that's what most buglers would like. And he weld piece or weld cricket. Well I don't see the two is really separable in any way philosophically. I mean could you have peace without cricket no and? I mean it's very hard to see how World can aim for peace without embracing the test match game. We look at the Middle East No test playing nations in the Middle East. It's been in a state of almost constant war for you know what what that's 6000 years since God started getting jippy with it and This playing nation is in the Middle East, it's been in a state of almost constant war for about 6,000 years since God started getting Gippy with it.

In fact, the Second World War only happened because the Germans refused to embrace cricket, the famous England cricket as CB Fry, went to Germany to try to persuade the Nazis to adopt cricket. They refused and started a war. So it just goes to show if the Germans had just had some sense and more basic decency than they showed through the 1930s and 40s, then the war would never have happened. And cricket would have given them that Chris, and there's any doubt of that. To back your point up as well, the only Middle Eastern country with one day

international status is the UAE, also the most prosperous Middle Eastern country. Ha ha ha. That's why Cricket just brings big bucks as the people of Bangladesh would no doubt test it. Ha ha ha. Now this question from Chad Chad Wasky, in the Bugles official logo, why does John look like a nerdy Frankenstein? And I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult, it could quite feasibly be both.

Well the fact is he is a nerdy Frankenstein when he's not appearing on the silver screen or any other kind of screen or on an audio screen on the bugle. He basically is inventing basic reanimating corpses. So that's just his stick, that's just how he winds down. He's a very pressurized job being on television all the time. And so he needs to, and let's not judge him. And some of the corpses he has reanimated have been very successful in some of them are even playing for the New York Yankees

this year comes from Enmuk Janet. Is it true that Chris is the real comic brain behind the bugle? Even several years before I was involved in the bugle I used to write all the jokes. Tom would get in touch and say, look, I've got these two guys and they just don't know what they're doing. They just talk right from the other side of the Atlantic, can you do anything to help? And of course, having never met Tom at the time, I said, yes. And the rest is history. Yeah. So there you go. That's, he's, yeah, Christus sits in a special booth stroking a cat. Yep.

And, cranking out the puns. Duncan Finley's got a question. A related to a fairly recent show. Did Mike and Cindy ever get their f***ed dungeon built? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well, I know, if you're listening Mike and Cindy, do I do a e-mail or send? I'm not, you'd assume so. I mean, once you've started, why would you not finish building't know if you're listening, Mike and Cindy, do E-Bell, I said, I'm not, you'd assume so. I mean, once you've started,

why would you not finish building it even if you- Who has a half finished, that's right. Maybe, I don't know, maybe Bashar Alessad might not have got around to finishing his latest sh** dungeon, we just don't know where I'm just been a tough time for the lad. So, yeah, I mean, beside what use? You know, half finished dungeon, you know, that's still you can use as a wine cellar, but half finished

f***ed dungeon. I mean, what is the point? Nandi Selson, possibly on a related topic, writes, if you became Pope, what would your first edict be? Well, I guess I'm in my outlaw sex dungeon. Well, I guess I'm in my outlaw, sex done, Jesus. So, um, such a conservative. Can I ask you a question about puns, Andy? Yeah, yeah, sure. What comes first, like, the theme, or a pun, and then you build a theme around it? Well, there's no rules to these things.

You have to take the inspiration where it comes. You know, sometimes a pun will just materialize out of thinner, perfectly formed. Because a pun will just materialize out of thinner, perfectly formed. Because the dog one, that came out of the Lou Reed story, didn't it? Yeah. So what came first? You decided to cover the Lou Reed story or you thought of a dog pun and tied it in.

Well, I think the story came first in that one, but, you know, that's just the way art works. You know, it's, there's no rules to it, you can't force it, it just materialises from the ether, and you know, puns are art, most great works of art have some kind of pun in visual pun, Michael Angelo's work full of puns, mostly to do with naked willies, but that's just the way the human brain works. A couple of sports-based questions came in on Twitter. This came from Tez, 964.

Ozzel to all the nearly-hearless, which is the greatest, the Bible, the Quran, or wisdom? Well, I mean, Wisdom clearly is this superior book on innumerable levels. For a start, there's a new edition every year, and I think both the Bible and the Quran could have done with a little bit of updating, might have just modernised a little bit. Wisdom is prepared to embrace that, and wisdom has probably started fewer wars than Dunny the Rho though, so I'd definitely go and it looks like a lovely yellow cover. It also allows it heroes to be photographed on the front cover

Yeah, I mean that's that's you know, that's maybe a step too far too soon, but okay And this came in from the color bitter. I noticed there was no mention of Wales thrashing England in the Six Nations in the Bugle. Does it hurt? Does it hurt? Oh well, I mean it was, which stuff, just robbed England were robbed, particularly the great Harlequins players in England say, robbed. I mean yes it was 30 points to 3 to Wales, but if England had scored 28 more points than they did, they'd have won. And it just, that just shows the slender threads that sporting achievements dangle upon. So, it was really a thrashing. It was Wales lost other than the fact that they did not

concede 28 more points or score 28 points fewer. So, yeah, that's just the way it goes. If I was Welsh, I'd've been really disappointed with that result. William Frederick has written in and maybe you could offer some coaching in response to this, Andy. Do you think it's punishable to pun hats punctuate the puns abilities between North and South Korea? I think that would be pun. Puns, Q-Kris. Well, it's very hard to know how to respond to that. What's it like receiving them now? What's it like receiving a pun run? Well, you know, I guess you see I've brought that upon myself in many ways, but

You know just civilisation has it's ups and downs anyways. I have civilisation as it's ups and downs. And this finally came on sort of Adam Shipley 36. Are you using the Buehul subscriptions to buy a Bedonkadon? Tank, as mentioned in Buehul 156. Well, not yet Adam Shipley, but if more of you do subscribe, we will buy that Bedonkadon and we will drive it through the streets of simultaneously London and New York, the two recording homes of the bugle as a publicity stunt. And I think that would probably get us quite a lot of publicity albeit, probably terminal publicity. So keep those voluntary subscriptions coming in bugleers at thebuglepodcast.com, check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle and keep

your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com and we'll be back next week. It's not a later record than usual, I think we're recording on Sunday next week, so it'll be up a bit later. But with a full bugle, 230. Until then, from me and his ultraman and from me and his ultimate and from me and his ultimate P.P. John Oliver and from Chris. Bye. In the Holy Barra of Hackney, it's goodbye. you