The Bugle - Bush brings yet more chaos to the Middle East

Episode Date: January 14, 2008

The 12th ever episode of The Bugle, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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We've got a huge number of French listeners. Yeah, that's right. What's our thought? That this is far as I'm willing to go. Welcome me to a podcast that they will then not understand. It's noticeable that a number of cars being burnt in Parisian suburbs has significantly gone down since the Bugle began. Coming up this week on the Bugle, the Pope gives football his blessing.

Is this the end for the beautiful game? And will Iran and the USA stop playing footsie with each other and just have a proper war? As always, some sections of the audio news paper go straight in the bin. This week the health section, with features on how it is not only good but important to have a heart, how to differentiate between the tantrum and a heart attack. The importance of asking permission before doing a non-emergency trackie off me, and the section was financed sachets of real viruses to help you pull authentic sickies from work. There's also a guide to how to choose the right pencil case for your child.

That's in the bit. Top story this week. Bush is in the Middle East. Bush has landed in the Middle East for the latest step in his intentions to try and do at least one positive thing before he leaves power to spend more time rocking backwards and forwards in the chair in Texas whilst whittling something. He landed in Bethlehem by helicopter, just like Jesus did, and prayed in the grotto of the Nativity, and the trip caused massive disruption. Huge areas of Jerusalem were shut down, his 45 car convoy brought motorways to a standstill, and his presence required 10,000 police officers and 237 hotel rooms. He's actually managed to bring chaos to the Middle East.

He's made it worse. That's a massive achievement to destabilise a region which all experts agree could not be destabilised anymore. They have to create a Nobel Prize for that. You have to. You know rather than destabilising through military means he's now doing it through pure logistics. Yeah. Which you know it's maybe hope for a slightly more peaceful, irritable world. He arrived spewing out meaningless platitudes and empty statements like a car sick child. It's what he does best. Exactly. One of his openers was this is a historic opportunity to work for peace.

And I'll tell you one another one of those times was Andy. The year 2000 when he was elected leader of the free world. But he's shown absolutely no interest into doing anything with that opportunity in the last eight years. Why start now? Well, better late than never. John, let's give the guy some credit. We've all made mistakes.

He was just lucky that his intray was very full. He got into the White House. First thing he wrote down, fixed the Middle East. It just got covered up under a pile of other memos, right, mostly telling him not to fix the Middle East. But at the, and the important thing is he's got round to it eventually and I'm sure the Middle East will be fixed or at least made slightly more difficult for his successor, whoever he or she may be. He, he went on to say that

peace in the Middle East was in sight and I would love to know where he buys his binoculars because I can see four decades. Decades backwards. About 6,000 years backwards. Before the whole yeah you can have that bit incident. That's a great way of boiling down that usually complicated problem. It was I believe history recalls the yeah you can have that bit. Oh actually I'm not sure incident the, yeah, you can have that bit. Oh, actually, I'm not sure incident. So many global problems can be traced back to that. Or indeed, can we try to back to a British man with a pen drawing on a map saying, oh, that'll do. One bit for us, one bit for everyone else. I'm sure that'll work out alright.

Yeah, griggy. But he's insisting that a deal be done by the time he leaves power in 2009 and that is just breathtaking arrogance because he could and this is a crazy idea he could not worry too much about a self-serving timetable and instead try to build a piece that will last rather than one that will fall down within two months he's become like a cowboy builder you're gonna get a piece people walking around the West Bank in 2010, saying, I'll do, I'll do. Who on earth constructed this piece? There's been a hotel, they're holding down and start again, and it ain't going to be cheap. I'll tell you that. This is going to cost you.

Super accent work, John. That is... That's very much. That is National Youth Theatre Standard. Oh, come on! What are Bush's possible successors likely to do on the Middle East? Almost any potential successor will do more than him. I mean, that's important to remember, and that's literally of any of the American citizens present or future

that will probably do more than he did. I don't know if you saw when Prime Minister Olmert greased him in his speech and he thanked Bush for coming, and then thanked him for upping the amount of yearly aids that Israel has given. So now up to an overall package of $30 billion a year. And he said that in an actual speech, the actual amount. That is a little classless. Thanks for coming and it would be remiss of me. Not to thank you for the 30 billion which is really helped around here. It does make it sound a bit like a game show isn't it? And what's the A

this year? 30 billion pounds everyone and let's see what Palestine have got. Hold it. The US policy in the Middle East seems to ignore the fundamental lesson of childhood. The cartoon lesson of childhood and it was only when Akmi stopped selling hardware to Wiley Carrote that Roadrunner was able to live in peace. It was an incredibly stage managed visit Andy and if you saw the best bit just after the Welcome Reception, they went to this huge shindig which involved bush having to stand in front of what looked like 30 excitable children with flags, jumping around to a disco version of Havon Nagila. And it was absolutely incredible television and that you realize it's the curse of the

international states where you have to stand there and smile. It's not all starting wars running the world, you know, it's opening sewage refineries, watching incomprehensible local dancing and accepting a pooling gift And it wasn't all because then out wandered this creepily flirtatious 13-year-old sitting somewhere over the rainbow in Hebrew As I was watching it, I felt this strange sensation in my stomach that I'd never felt before and I realized I felt sorry for it It wasn't all peace and love in the Middle East this week. Once again the two great remaining superpowers of the world, USA and Iran, came to the very brink of war as Iran deployed the most feared weapon of all, the speedboat against the tough, war-war ships.

War destroyer. The speedboat notoriously dangerous vessel, the Iranians of accused America of fabricating a film in which one of the Iranian speedboat drivers, if that's the correct technical term, said, I'm coming at you, I will explode, which in terms of a threat on a military level is fairly low level banter at worst. When you listen to the audio, you think maybe the Iranians have got a point, because it did sound like a bad 1990s action film. I am coming at you, you will explode. All I'm saying is there seem to be three explanations Andy.

Either a member of the Revolutionary Guard does a very good Kurt Russell impression, or the Pentagon have just used the audio from big troubling little China or and most likely Kurt Russell is actually a member of the revolutionary Guard. No one's heard from him for a while. Well, you know, an audition is an audition and it, you know, sometimes in Access life you've got to take whatever you're offered. But Goldie Horn is also in the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, so it's all fine. Is she? I'm surprised she managed to get into that. She's doing a real life in a radium private Benjamin. Goldie, you're so charming, I didn't notice you're a woman. Now, let's don't hurt her today. At ease. It was a nice easy way into the new year this from Armadina Jaddo and he just a little bit of speedboat pranking. I think too much.

Don't overstretch yourself too early. There's a long year ahead and you don't want to be punched out by the autumn. Promises to be a spectacular year for Armadinojad, really heading up the rankings. He's already near the top. He could really break through the challenge, Chavez and Roger Federer at the very top.

The speedboats were described by Pentecan spokesman as being visibly armed, unlike the American warships, which were there for purely recreational fishing, described as harassment of the US warships. Now, warships are not designed to deal with harassment. They can withstand military attacks, but harassment just hits them right in the self-esteem, which is the warships most vulnerable area. Let's not forget how the Bismarck in World War II has finally sunk after a three-day campaign of wolf whistling, jostling and petty vandalism by the British Navy. So in many ways, harassment is the best way to sink a seemingly impregnable warship.

seemingly impregnable warship. Primary season, while the new Hampshire primary was completed last week and caused a media tornado and rightly so, already half of 1% of all those entitled to voting November have spoken, we're very much in the home straight now, Andy. The media had almost unanimously predicted that Barack Obama would take New Hampshire by around ten points, which turned out to be entirely correct as long as you minus thirteen points from that total. You have to read the small print with these polls, John. They proved the media, they've learnt absolutely nothing from the election of 2000.

They're like irresponsible goldfish. Well, it wasn't just the media that got the 2000 election wrong, it was in fact the voters, because although they didn't vote George W. Bush in They were wrong and he was actually the winner. So it's it's it's it's very complicated. It's a very complicated process. You know, we should be pleased that the public now clearly lying outright to pollsters. You know, maybe taking their lead from the politicians they're voting for in the outright deceit is really the way forward. There is nothing more entertaining than seeing an embarrassed newscaster backing down on live television. That's true. That's true.

There have been record turnout in the primary so far. At one point, New Hampshire very nearly ran out of ballot papers. And that is the one thing that democracy is just not built to withstand Andy, active participation in the process. The very last thing that Washington needs right now is an inspired electorate. Hillary Clinton's comeback though was absolutely incredible in U.M. She had everyone had written her off Andy and it's an absolute fairy tale. She's the underdog of underdogs operating on a shoestring budget of just a hundred million dollars She was just a little girl with a dream and a deep felt sense of entitlement

Can she capture the American imagination Andy with her ideology of democratic inevitability? How influential were the tears of Hillary Clinton in swinging America's notoriously sensitive voters behind her? It's interesting, I mean that was one of the biggest stories, I don't know how she was when Hillary Clinton seemed to have broken down in tears on the campaign trail, even though she neither broke down nor actually cried. And that makes it in many ways a better story. The press started saying, did Hillary's crying affect people's vote? And any other

logic they have could they hold the electorates in any more content than that? That they just seem to believe that voters in America have the emotional intelligence of a six-year-old girl looking at a puppy. Is that not the case, John? Oh, no, no, no, not all of them. But the press needs to be very concerned as well about whether you can trust someone who has emotions as president. And you have to really put these candidates in context. They've all been on less than three hours sleep now

for the last fortnight. And if I had to spend the whole day and most of the night shaking hands in diners on that little sleep, I would have decapitated someone with a syrup server by now. And it might be that that would actually get the electorate behind you. Think, well, here's a man who, when he feels something acts upon it, and it's the kind of decisive action you need in a president. So maybe actually, you know, if one of the candidates struggling in the polls just went postal in a small restaurant, then, you know, I don't

really bump them up the polls who knows you respect the strength Yes, although you know, I mean let's be honest. I mean hit there have been some great cries in history But often women haven't been amongst those you know, he didn't catch Bodecya crying She was too busy strapping swords to the wills of her chariot and slicing Roman soldiers like so It's enough time to cry. You have a bit of a thing for Bodecya, don't you John hold on I see what you're trying to do here, Andy do not not try and involve me in this hot-tease from history thing. Very clever. Come on. Nice fishing, Zoltzman. Very clever. I've seen the calendar on your bedroom wall, John. Bo-Docie, you're doing a wheelie in a chariot. You just feel so safe.

Can I say it has been incredible. The response to the Hotties from history has been both amazing and hugely disappointing. Which more later in the show? CNN actually ran a poll during and then at the end of the night, a phoning poll saying, are you tight with the way the media is treating the current primaries. And it was 94% yes. You can't get 94% of people to agree on anything. But anything, it's absolutely, you have to be so bad at your job to get people to 94% to agree with that. And now some British news, Britain is going nuclear or slightly more nuclear than it already is, which is relatively nuclear, but not as nuclear as it has been or could be.

But we are going a bit more nuclear. A lot of people are concerned about this. Some people see nuclear power stations not so much as crucial elements of a future energy policy as massive treble twenties for terrorists. I guess there are, you know, certain safety precautions that Britain has always taken with nuclear power stations. For example, Dungeon S, famous power station in Kent, they very cleverly built right on the very south coast of Britain.

So any terrorist wanting to blow Dungeon S up have to, if they're entering Britain from the north, have several hundred miles of heavily defended territory to cross before they get there. So that makes it much safer, assuming terrorists do attack Britain from the tip of Scotland. Well, I can't think of any other direction they're attacking. No, it seems the most logical. The whole nuclear programme does seem to be based largely only fingers crossed attitude, as well as the, well, it's not our problem, it's the problem of the people who are going to be here in a thousand years' time. And they're not going to vote us out of office.

So, I'm sure it'll be fine. MUSIC Musharath! fine. Musharath! Perverse Musharath made headlines this week in a 60 minutes interview when he claimed that Benazir Bouto was to blame for her own death. He said, for standing up outside the car, I think she was to blame alone. Nobody else.

Responsibility is hers. And Andy, he's caught some flak for this, but he's absolutely right. My dad used to say to us on family holidays, if you put your head through the sunroof to wave at your friends, don't blame me if you're assassinated. And you know what, he was right, I've never been assassinated. That's just good parenting. Well, also, let's not forget, if she hadn't stood up in the car,

the bomb would not have gone off. Also, I mean, there's other things she could have done to avoid being assassinated, not leave the house that morning. So that's another thing she could have done, not returned to Pakistan in the first place. That would have been assassinated. If she hadn't survived the previous assassination attempt, she would not have been assassinated that time.

There's a lot of things, there's a lot of steps. It's almost like she wanted to be assassinated. Most car insurers have sunroof assassination clauses now. And there's the smoking gun I've got to say that was my first response when I saw the footage on the news It certainly was not oh look the Pakistan security services have let a man with a gun and a bomb build wander unopposed up to the car Oh, what I thought was oh, I guess Bhuta must have wanted this because that is a classic case of sunroof suicide Musharot it a brave statement from Musharot. No one yet has been

bullsy enough to point the finger of blame at JFK for his own assassination. And yeah, there he was, driving along in a car with the top down, just asking to be shot. You know, if you're JFK, and I'm not saying you are, but if you are JFK, if you are JFK, and you're plotting your route through Dallas, you know how many presidents are assassinated from grassy nolls. Just don't just make sure they're not on the route. Exactly. Avoid booked depositories and grassy nolls. Basic safety steps that are in any avoiding assassination handbook you can buy in all

good bookshops. If you've got anyone else you think is to blame for their own death. Please keep it to yourself. If you're an international leader and haven't been on, I really horrendously wish to say that's the most important thing. Please wait and then never say it. And now a special bugle feature section on technology. Love it or hate it, technology exists. Bill Gates has hailed the age of digital senses and all kinds of technology that no doubt will make our lives even more meaningless in the future.

Did Bill Gates mention the making life even more pointless in his keynote speech? Oh, I believe he... I want some more things which are going to make life vapid, uninteresting and ultimately worthless. All this took place at the Consumer Electronic Show in Las Vegas, 20,000 products on display. One of the big stories that came out of it were reports that Intel undermined a not-for-profit scheme to bring cheap laptops to children in the developing world. I'm guessing it was the not-for not for profit to become a problem for them. The head of Intel said that such claims were hogwash and Andy is great to hear hogwash back as a retort. I do have that after saying hogwash,

he twelt his mustache and then challenged someone to arise around the world. Oh Lucille was hogwash, I had gone with boulder dash. The head of Intel went on to say that the premise that we actually divorced over is that there is not one solution to this problem. No one company, no one solution, has a monopoly on kids. I believe that they are in the process, though, of securing the patent on the concept of child. And if that goes through, you had better hope that you've hit puberty in time, or you'll

be on the end of a heavy invoice. Well, that is difficult. I have a child. Do you think I should just send her to Intel now saying, I believe this is technically yours? Other products at the Vager's electronic show included a 3D television. Let's hope they never offer the news in 3D. And also a 150-inch plasma TV,

150-inch of television and the other, I've got mixed feelings about this. Obviously, it uses far too much energy, but it is a massive TV. And when you think about no one who owned one would ever get on a plane again, as you wouldn't want to be that far away from it. So it probably balances itself out carbon wise. Another of the inventions that caught my word, digital books, which are book sized and actually feel like paper and I don't know what else is like that. An actual book. Other technologies breaking through this year are the remote control mood chip which you

can implant in your family's skulls. So you can adjust their mood according to how you want them to be when you get home from a hard day at the office so rather you want them to be pleased to see you. If you want a nice welcome home and thanks for placing us so centrally in your life or if you want them to be a bit stroppy if you fancy a bit of aggravation to make you want to go to work again in the morning and also a new version of the Teesmaid, which is the breakfast made, in which you simply insert some flour, yeast, water, and a live pig before you go to bed,

and wake up to a fresh bacon sandwich. Now, your emails! Thank you very much for continuing to send in your emails. Those that don't get in the show can now be seen in the new Bugle blog, which you can access at TimesOnline.co.uk slash. The Bugle. We've had a number of slightly curious emails this week. Most of them understandably and rightly in my opinion are on the motive hotties from history subject. But this was a slightly curious one from Austin Glenn, John addressed to you.

So John, have you grown a strike beard? Is that code? Is that a contribution to the audio cryptic cross-court? I've not a deal. I mean, the strike beard, what's happening with that is that Letterman and Conan have got strike beards. They've been growing beard for the length of the strike. And the way it is at the moment, they're going to have a pretty long beard

in a few months' time. So, no, I'm not. I haven't grown strike beard., they're going to have a pretty long beard in a few months time. As a non-not, I haven't grown a lot beard. I'm not going to lie to you. It's been between 80 and 90% hotties from history this week, including some people sending JPEGs to prove their case as well. Think very carefully before submitting your hotties from history, make sure they are from history.

We've had a few that are slightly too recent and they are genuinely scalding. I think a fair stipulation as well will be that don't send in a hodys from history unless you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror. There is something incredibly creepy about that. Not as creepy though as the email from Jasper Smith. Also on the hodys from history. I'm surprised that you have overlooked the, and I quote, Nazi Bay, but over Brown. Oh dear! Oh this, I don't know how the way this is going. He's going out, he's going out, he's going to be. He said yes, she was a little bit right-wing and fascist, but that never did her any harm. It did eventually do her harm. I would not pick over Brown for

reasons, reasons of history that I think should make her ineligible for the Hotties for History award. It's just the pillow taught would be really awkward. Other notable nominees for the Hotties from History were one from Kylie Adams saying, Alexander Hamilton is the hottest personage ever to grace a piece of US currency. Disguiding was pretty at undeniably masculine, with the most handsomely tied crevati you've ever seen, and those eyes, sure the man was a literal and figurative bastard, and even worst, an economist, but they're such lovely eyes. This one comes in from Amy Allbright, she writes,

I would like to suggest for your bugle version of the Pirelli calendar, brackets you know you love the idea, John, and I think John you're warming to it. General Sir Bannestra Talaton. I can't think of a hotter Mr. January writes Aimee, and a better representative of the few remaining loiless in the states than the beloved bloody ban. Good nickname. After all my obscure 18th century military figure that has been portrayed on screen by Jason Isaacs in tight black pants and riding boots warrants further recognition. Nice and obscure Aimee. This is one of my favourite reasons for a choice. Brett Sondinstein from Brooklyn in New York said, My Hottie from History has to be Clement Atley.

I've always gotten so roused reading about how Labour won the 1945 elections that I've never been able to focus on how World War II ends. That is pretty good. So do keep your Hottie from History coming in. The rest of we rounded up in the bugle blog. Should we answer some non-Hottie related emails emails? Well you're going to struggle to fire at me. You can't argue with democracy, John, the people have spoken. This just shows that democracy doesn't work. It shows in this celebrity-obsessed age that we live in. People just crying out to fancy people

who are long dead. This is from Gabriel Reed on Hillary Clinton. Who writes, in a move that set the feminist movement back two decades, presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton took a cue from my ex-girlfriend's playbook and decided to cry in an obvious attempt to win back votes. He carries on later in the day as the new polls came out showing Hillary's support fading. She told independent voters in Manchester that she was, quote, pregnant with their baby and that she is the only one who loves them. Gabriel concludes, when will this pathetic ploy end?

And where will she stop having babies with independent voters? And I'd like to finish the email section with this from Ishaan Kolhattka. A quite spectacular effort from Ishaan, who writes, surely if the Pope took part in some sort of televised pugilism that was available to viewers for a one-off fee, it would be a papal view event. Not enough puns being sent in, thank you Ishan. That is a quite momentous effort. What's a pun? If there are any other bugle listeners who have the courage to match that level of pun do send it into the bugle at times online.co.uk.

And it's sport time on the bugle now. The big sporting story in World Sport this week is the racism rower rocking the sports of cricket, the gentleman's game has degenerated into the most infantile retrograde bickering imaginable Indian bowler harbaged and sing band for allegedly using a racist comment towards Andrew Simon's Australian player, neither on-pire heard it, and it's purely one player's word against another. The Indians then threatened to throw their toys literally not only out of the pram but out of Australia and go home. The background of this Australia had won a spectacular victory, one of the most incredible victories in Tess Krikit history largely on the back of outright cheating.

Once again, they're fowstion packed with the Cricketing Devil Australia. 30 years of dominance of the game. Anything goes in return for an eternity in hell of being given dodgy, unparind decisions. But I think all cricket fans around the world are just hoping that everyone involved grows up. Interestingly, the Pope, this week, saying that he'd like the game of football to be a vehicle for the education of the values of honesty, solidarity and fraternity. I don't know how much contemporary football the Pope watches.

It can only be non. And he said this in Italy, which is more famous for match fixing, large-scale corruption and fans getting stabbed with screwdriver. And of course, the last echoes of terrace fascism. But Phil's got a lot to teach. What key values? What key values though? Not just honesty, solidarity and fraternity, but also tribalism, avarice, diving, the two-footed

challenge, four, five, one, and lumping it up to the big man in the box. All these important values for children to learn. But I guess the question raises itself John, would Jesus have been good at football? Oh, good question. He had a great physique. Wow Andy, is that a nomination? It's not a nomination. That sounds like a nomination. Who do you have the best face balls to nominate Jesus?

For your hot sea from history. All the contemporary pictures painted of him as a European white man 15 hundred years after he died, joking with a rippling six pack. So I do know he'd probably have had a good engine a box-to-box player. But if not buglelessness, if Jesus wouldn't have been good at football, what sport would Jesus have been good at? The options are... I like the good questions. Yep, the options are netball, snooker, golf, snowboarding or freestyle gym nastics and we'll tell you the answer

next week. So do get your answers in on that one, two, debugal at times online.co.uk and wrestling results this week, Tony Blair beat his conscience in a disappointingly once-hided contest. And now it's time for the award-winning audio cryptic crossword section of the show. for the award-winning audio cryptic crossword section of the show. What award is that? What award did it make? And the results from an award for Best Audio Crossword 2007-2008. Oh, congratulations, I had no idea. It's a piece of silver wedge on, you can't argue with that.

This week's clue is 7 down, the one you've all been waiting for, 8 letters long, and this is a clue which touches on the injustices of a monochical system and this is the clue. Edith and Spanish King are head over heels. The result is a curious basis for deciding who the monarch should be. Eight letters. Oh Andy, I've just heard the audio crossword as one another award. Or sad jobs. It's one the 2008 John Oliver award for best thing which should stop. Congratulations! There's only one thing that should stop in the audio crossword section John.

And that is you bleeding about it because you don't have the brains to do it. You will forecast now. Here's the forecast of which day next week will be the best. Andy? I... Wednesday. It's just got a feel of a good Wednesday coming up. Really? You got a good feeling about Wednesday? Yeah. I'm going to go with Saturday. Your classic Saturday. I know it's a staple, but it's

going to be a cracker Saturday. I don't think you've got any real evidence for that. I think that's wishful thinking. Anyway, thank you for listening to the Bugle. Once again, do keep your emails coming in. The Bugle at TimesOnline.co.uk and don't forget to look at the Bugle blog on the webpage. Goodbye, to Rio. Ah!