The Bugle - California's Burning

Episode Date: October 29, 2007

The third ever episode of The Bugle! Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver, featuring the audio cryptic crossword.This is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ and listen to Top Stories Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Welcome to issue three of the bugle, the 29th of October 2007, or if you don't listen to it on the first day it's available, maybe the 30th of October.

So welcome to the show, I'm Andy Zoltzman here in London, and in New York, hello John Oliver. Hello Andy, USA, USA. USA, of course, currently on fire, UK, not on fire. One nil to the USA. Coming up on today's bugle, fire, fire, good and bad news coming out of America this week, depending on what your interests are, good news if you're a fan of fires, bad news if you're a fan of Southern California. And in sport, England won the 2007 rugby world cup after a Stuart's inquiry. That is now official We Are Still World Cup champions.

As always, some sections, as with any new Spebico straight in the bin, this week the business section is going in the bin with its lead story that BP has received a $300 million fine for price fixing but they have promised they will pass it on to their loyal customers so don't worry on their behalf. The motoring section I'm afraid that's straight in the bin including the review of the new Alta Belly Conti, the first car to be fitted with a cliff sensor to stop you driving off cliffs. Also has a replay screen on the roof so you can watch back any particularly outstanding pieces of parking also in the bin is the motoring sections

how to drive like a tith guide 24 pages that appear to be read by everyone in London so the top story this week California, has been and probably will forever be now on fire. There's been a bit of controversy over what caused this fire. Harry Reid, the Democratic Party chairman, claimed it was global warming before backtracking and saying, well, it's probably a lot of things. And then muttering under his breath, you're going to use that quote about global warming, aren't you? Stupid Harry. Stupid Harry. Well, I think it probably is global.

I think it's the environment striking back. The environment's taken a lot of punishment and it's come off the ropes, fighting and setting fire to stuff. It's rope adopters for a couple of centuries. But I think George Dorybuss has to take a lot of blame for this because he's been very weak with the environment this year. Now, traditionally, he's always been

heroically strong in the face of the threat the environment poses to the world saying that we must stand up to the environment. We can't negotiate with it because that would make us appear weak. But even he this year has given into the environment he signed up to the G8's non-binding verbal agreement to think about the environment at least once a week from now on. He does now have a picture of a tree on his desk, so it appears that the leopard is starting to tibX over some of his spots, and it's a snow leopard, so the joke stands. Currently, the environment is the very worst terrorist out there, and you know who I'm playing for all of this, Andy? Not, not Bush, Al Gore. He's announced that he's not planning on running for

President of the United States, but that is clearly because what is actually lining up is ruling the earth. And it makes me sick, Andy. He's been actively and openly supporting and funding this earth. It makes me sick. Well, rightly so. I for one, Andy, will not give into these planets ludicrous demands. No pollution, no greenhouse gases. This planet is un-American, Andy. It hates my recently acquired freedoms. Al Gore is a globe lover, an earth sympathizer. He's the worst kind of planet pleaser. Well, I've got news for you, Gore. I live in America, not the world.

But I've just become increasingly worried that, you know, I've got a young daughter. And because the environment actually poses the greatest threat to our Western way of life, that I'm just worried that there's gonna be vigilante attacks on entirely un-polluted bits of environment as she grows up. I don't want to grow up in that kind of world. And it's already started.

I saw a guy the other day in London beating up a lake shouting, why'd you hate the West so much? You ecological piece of crap. Other explanations here have been that some of the smaller fires could have been arson, but even if there was no individual arsonist involved it is still arson global warming is the earth setting fire to itself the earth is both the victim and the perpetrator of massive scale arson i have heard some people suggesting that this is god punishing america for its licentious ways does that hold much sway state side john americans have a much closer relationship with God

than most other human beings on the earth. And God certainly hasn't mentioned it to Americans. Right. And he might have tutted at them a bit, but I don't think he's mentioned it in any apparitions on pieces of burnt toast or anything like that. God does seem to get blamed for a lot of these things when we had some mild flooding early this year in England. God was blamed for that people, so that was God punishing Britain.

In which case, Britain hasn't been that naughty. And if that is the way that God does punish people, looking at the state of the world and where all the massive environmental catastrophes are, then God is racist. He clearly hates Africa. He really does not like Asia. And I'm not sure this is acceptable in a modern deity. Now, of course, God's supporters would say, well, he really does not like Asia. And I'm not sure this is acceptable in a modern deity. Now of course God's supporters would say, well he's from a different generation. He just doesn't really understand the issue. Sometimes he doesn't even realize he's being racist

when he sends a massive flood to Asia. The world's just changing too fast for God. That's all it's the pace of change that he has a problem with. To be honest though, Britain we are great at exaggerating floods and these are great days for exaggeration and in fact I'll go further than that, I'll say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth. Now Fox News even reported that there may yet be a terrorist link to this. You can now officially blame the terrorists for everything. Now I burnt my toast a bit this morning and I think that's the terrorists at work.

They must have broken into my apartment and moved the toaster setting up half a notch. That's the only explanation. If you listeners have had anything happen to you which you'd like to blame on terrorism, please do email that in and we will judge whether it was terrorism or just an accident that was your or somebody else's fault. Please do send them in to bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Another bugle poll this week, do you think all fire should be banned? If so, what would you replace it with? Or is one rogue group of fires giving all fire a bad name?

Do email us in at the bugle at timesonline.co.uk and the first correct answer chosen by our special impartiality machine will win a tip on how to scramble eggs. I don't think that fire should be banned Andy, but I do think that in the interest of everyone in California at the moment there should certainly be a ceasefire. So being a modern newspaper as the Bugle is for any major story, we are giving you a commemorative audio poster of the Californian fires. Here it is. Other news now, and American Glamour has been coming to London in a big way this week.

Not only is there an NFL game at Wembley, but the FBI has come to London to look for one of its most wanted James J Bulger, who is below Osomabin Laden on their most wanted list, although that is a bit like being below Roger Federer in the tennis rankings. Now the reward for any information leading to James J Bulger's arrest is $1 million, so it's probably not really worth helping out because as rewards go internationally that is not great. In fact Arnold Schwarzenegger Andy who is still Governor of California, I know it remains very hard to absorb that. He announced a $70,000 reward for any information leading to a rest of arsonists in California so if any

listeners out there have any vital information about the fires, which they've been holding on to until they can profit from them, then your luck is in 70,000. 70,000. So that's about 500 pounds in British money. See, I used to find jokes like that funny, Andy, but I'm now working and living and more importantly being paid in America. I could not, and this is an economic fact. I could not have picked a worse time in the last 26 years to be doing this. There are other rewards out there that you can get your hands on. This might be some useful information for listeners. Bin Laden, $50 million. That's not bad.

What if the American military finds Bin Laden, do they get that money? Yeah, but between them. So it's, it's rounded right down. Right. At Radavan carriage, $5 million, which means he's 10 times less bad than bin Laden. Well, also, Carriage-ish is towards the end of his contract. So if we don't get into him, he will be able to be caught on a Bosman. So you won't get anything for him. Now, wouldn't it be fun if you had enough money to just put rewards out on people,

especially, you know, ones you just quite like to meet and they've just been brought to you. I'd love to make Peter Bidzley. I'll give you 600,000 if you bring him to me alive. 300,000 if he's dead. That's right. He's still be interesting to me. I'll give you three million if you bring Ian McKellan to my wedding. That's what money is for. If you're rich, if you're like Donald Trump then you should use it to put out rewards on people, but just being brought to you and then you release them back into the wild. Other news now. China has launched a moon orbiter, apparently to gather conclusive proof of whether

or not you can see the Great Wall of China from space. So I'll get spent away of going about it but there you go. Of course already accusations that the moon orbiter has been faked as with all lunar exploration. Of course we now know the moon landings were faked. In fact we now know that America actually faked the entire moon. It is just in a studio in Texas and is projected onto the night sky every night. I think it might be time for us all to accept that China are indeed going to take over the world. Britain's Empire died. We passed the baton onto America who in 50 years or so will pass it onto China who will then sprint towards Armageddon.

More news. It's not looking good in Sudan. Things not looking good in Sudan. Things not looking good in Sudan. Still, the Darfur peace talks been hit by boycotts. They are trying to find literally anyone still willing to go. So I'm afraid in Sudan, like a hungry South African carnivore spotting a sausage shop down the side street, things have taken a turn for the worse. And I think we should all take five minutes to think about the effort

that went into that joke. I mean, to do that joke anyway is, you know, artistically brave, but to place that joke in the context of the recent events in Darfur, one might think is overstretching yourself. Art section now. Radiohead announced that after releasing their recent album for free on iTunes, their next album will be released directly into the wild. It will be transported in a specially designed crate to the African savannah where it will be allowed to roam free until the end of the hidden track, when it will be shot with a tranquilizer dart and return to the crate to protect it from

poaching. J.K. growling. The lead singer of Jmiracquy, J.K. will be impersonating a bear in the new video to his new song Get Out of My Bins. God this week announces his intention to sue for unpaid royalties from all hip-hop artists who have thanked him in award ceremonies. He will be pursuing a cut of all album sales and executive producer credits on all future projects. And finally, music simply red, have split up.

And the reaction from the world has been, how can one guy split? Isn't it just the one guy? Can I just say Andy, as a fan of Tony Bowers' base playing, I find that incredibly offensive? Well, you and three other people who think it isn't just the one guy. I officially, Andy, don't have strong feelings either way about this news. The only way I would care would be if they were literally splitting up, if global warming was seeing too simply red as well. And that like one of those houses that is about to fall off a cliff on the news, we see that Mick Hucknell is subsiding. The side of his face has fallen

into the English Channel. Film now and Halle Berry has been talking about her new film, things we lost in the fire. Berry claimed that the film is best watched while operating heavy machinery. She admitted that she missed the end of the film at the premiere in London last week due to severing some tendons in a thresher. Kate Blanche, meanwhile, claims that her new film, Elizabeth, The Sequel, comes across best whilst standing on a motorway footbridge. Books. David Irving, the discredited self-styled historian and twice gratuitously offensive magazines controversialist of the year, has released his new book entitled Nothing Happened. In its Irving denies that

any events have ever taken place. At a press conference in his special Tarot in Hungary, Irving said, there is no evidence for anything ever having happened. There, I've said it. Also at this week is Kofi Anand's History of Snuka, in which the former UN Secretary-General Drought paralleled between the end of cigarette advertising in Snooker and the fall of the Berlin Wall. Also contains co-fees, top 10 safety shots, four of which feature Terry Griffiths. And finally, Radio. Desert Island Dix Radio 4's new show in which celebrities pick the eight people they would most like to be shipped out to a desert island in abandoned, has been cancelled

off of Donald Rumsfeld's complaint complaints the BBC about being chosen every week. You will vote. This week's recipe comes to you from Hardee's, the American restaurant chain, and is their new belt-busting breakfast burrito. Unfortunately, all of the following is true, and listeners with sensitive stomachs may want to turn their ears away from their speakers now. To create the belt-buster yourself yourself you will need the following ingredients. Two omelets, five hash browns, one and a half ounces of sausage gravy, a bowl of shredded cheddar cheese and ten inch fried taco shell. That is 920 calories, that is a substantial start to the day. To eat this belt busting breakfast burrito you will need the following ingredients.

One total lack of self-respect. Three reasons to live. It really can't be more than three. Seven single tears running down your face and a generous sprinkle of self-loathing. Now, last week we asked you which you preferred, the Cold War or the War on Terror. And we had an email from Terry L Welch who said, I'd prefer a Cold War on Terror, in which those of us in the west continually threaten to pull this globe over and whip your asses if you can't act sanely, whilst a son of bin Laden stacks suicide bombers in a warehouse

while muttering under his breath that one of these days I'm gonna use these freaking guys I swear to Allah. In the end nothing would come of it except for a few proxy wars and more radioactive poisonings and we'd all get to party in Mecca when the wall came tumbling down. He goes on to say, wait, Mecca does have a wall, right? I believe Mecca does have a wall Terry, yes. But it's probably best not to talk about it tumbling down. Terry, in fact, started his letter by saying, I know that as an American, my opinions are immediately

suspect, which is very self-aware, but it can be argued that few countries war better, hot, cold, or otherwise than we Americans. Lovely use of words, Terry. Meanwhile, Tim Kuraspediani from Portland in Oregon prefers the war on terror to the Cold War. He says he has respect for the Soviets. Their protagonist expansionism is the reason the West opposed them, he says, although, theologically opposed to democracy, Marxism is good in theory, just not in practice. So no real problem with the Soviets. But he says,

Islamophashists are total dicks in italics, John. And finally from Jeff Smith, he has a complaint. He writes, I wish to lodge a complaint. I told you I had a complaint. While sitting to your last edition of the bugle on the way home from work, I laughed so hard. I nearly drove off the side of the road.

You really ought to provide a warning to the unsuspecting public about not listening to the bugle whilst driving a motor vehicle or operating heavy machinery. Well, two things about that. One, you shouldn't be doing those two at the same time anyway. But also, that is a compliment wrapped in a legal threat. So Jeff Winds are a ward for most American letter of the week. So if you've got any views provided they are not too right-wing, please do send them into the Bugle at timesonline.co.uk. If your views are extremely right-wing, please put in the

subject heading for your email nutcase. Bugle Horoscopes. This week we are giving Horoscopes to the world's continents. First, Africa. With Venus and Mars lined up like snooker balls in a trickshot competition, the approaching full moon might signal that an old friend could do you an ill turn. I think this means they're going to get screwed over by the IMF. Do try to keep calm and sort things out in your own life. In other words, Africa, stop having those blasted civil wars.

And talk to Canal. You may have noticed that you've been stuck in a bit of a rut for the last 2,000 years. Well, change may be just around the corner. Look out for a big, yellow round stranger who will sweep you right off your previous geographical location and make you melt to your very core. Oil is on your horizon. The Middle East. It's time to sort out old relationship troubles. Right, I think we know where this is going. With Aries and Capricorn busy calling each other names, now is as good a time as any to stop crapping on about who's stuff belongs to whom, grow up and calm down. And finally, Australasia.

I'm afraid after last week's No worries prediction, this week some worries. Sport! And England have won the rugby world cup after losing the final 15-6 to South Africa. I don't think this was a big story in America, John, but massive. The game turned on a try disallowed by the fourth official of the Mark Quattos' foot touched the touch line, very controversial decision. An aerial photograph from Google Earth has proved that the pitch at the standard France was too narrow. So had it been the correct width, Quattos' foot would not have hit the touch line.

The try has therefore been retrospectively awarded by the IRB, who have also run a computer simulation on how the game would have panned out had that try been given. And of course South Africa would have crumbled under pressure, England, boosted by confidence, would have started chucking it around. And in fact, England won the World Cup 42-9. Finally, justice is done. And some people say that technology has no place in sport. It was interesting the reaction over here to the England team's reaction to the disallowed try, which they basically said, yeah, well.

And football, as a sport in particular, was absolutely disgusted and really had to go at the England rugby team for not getting right in the referee's face and Giving him all manner of hell for what clearly was the correct decision And a spokesman for the English football team said These people are absolute losers if this is what happens when a team reaches a World Cup final. We want no part of it baseball Joe Torrey manager of the New York Yankees has left the organization after describing a one-year contract offer as an insult and that contract offer was $5 million

for the year plus bonuses which is a pretty bad insult but it's all relative I suppose and maybe Torrey has never really been insulted in his life before. It's all about being on a different scale, maybe bullies at school would insult him by grabbing him by the collar and insulting him by giving him $11 million, only to have him run back home to Mrs Torre in tears. Football now and the pressure on Under Pressure Tottenham Manager Martin Yolth finally told when the Dutchman was fired last Thursday. The pressure on Yoll had been increasing ever since his success over the previous two seasons created high expectations at Spurs increasing the pressure on the previously not

under particular pressure manager. The pressure increased when a journalist first mentioned that the pressure on Yoll was increasing, which pressured other members of the press to write stories about the pressure on Yoll. That's increasing the pressure on Yoll. This led to the Spurs' board feeling the pressure themselves and further pressurising Yoll by looking for another manager in case the mounting pressure got too much for Yol. With the pressurised manager now under increasing pressure, the Spurs

players themselves became pressurised, further increasing the pressure on their manager, and the media reports of the rising pressure on Martin Yol added more pressure to the pressure. The final straw that broke Martin Yol's camel to one remaining vertebra came in last week and high pressurised match with Newcastle, and the header by Newcastle, seemed to be heading towards the goal, increasing the pressure on Martin Jolz, but the ball rebounded back off the post, momentarily relieving the pressure on Jolz. But the pressure on the under pressure manager was ramped up again when Martin's put Newcastle ahead. The pressure eased slightly when the players left the pitch for half time, but then increased, decreased a bit, and then got really pressurised

again when Spurs, respectively, conceded, scored and conceded goals in the second half. With the pressure itself now under considerable pressure, the pressure on Yol had become too pressurised and the under pressure board sat Yol finally are leaving the pressure on him. Yol's popularity with the fans and success over two seasons with Spurs has already increased the pressure on the man who is going to take over from him in the premiership pressure cooker for the pressurised season ahead and relax. If any listener can correctly guess how many times the word pressure was mentioned in that last sports report, you will win a pound. And sport in short now, food fighting, the England captain Malcolm Scrugg, his out-of-the-world

championship player with Denmark, after taking a terriaki chicken wing in the eye at the FFA Cup Final between the Nottingham Snack-Hurlers and FFC Wimbledon. And results now, horse racing next Tuesday's 315 at Kipling Under Sludge. First is number 8, Croaking McKenzie. Is that supposed to be public knowledge yet? Sorry, my mistake. And bird spotting Italy 3, 2 Eagles in the buzzard, Wales 1, a sociable lap wink, very rare, magnificent pieces spotting, but it still only counts for one.

And now it's time for the Bugles pioneering audio cryptic cross words. We're onto the third clue and we've had one across and one down. This week we're gnawing two down which is too difficult and going straight for three down. Now if you've got one across right you'd know that three down begins with an A. It's nine letters long splitting to two words of four and five respectively. And this is a anti-capitalist, satirical clue. Three down. This madman lost direction, became completely confused, and had an institute named after him. Four, five begins with a bulls in your courtlessness. Take it to the toilets and think about it, if I may quote Aristopoul.

That's it for the bugle this week. In next week's bugle, how's the NFL conquered Europe? And also, where now for humanity? A special report. And don't miss a free bag of seeds. And also please do email us with your comments and views and suggestions at boost and suggestions at the **** at ****. What's left for this week is the Halloween forecast. John, how do you think it's going to go this year? Well, and the art4 cast that the Trick to Treats ratio will be 2773.

Right, sir, that's a big year for treats. That is a year for treats. If that's so, that will be the biggest treat ratio since 1983. Next week, also see the return of Ask an American. So, do email in any questions that you have for him or her. Amongst the subjects you might want to ask an American about guns, basic geography, and has anyone seen Karl Rove? Bye bye! music