The Bugle - Campaign For Traditional Bullying

Episode Date: December 1, 2024

Andy is with Felicity Ward and Hari Kondabolu, to review COP, the latest ceasefire, and if there are any jokes that can be made about assisted dying. Sounds bleak, right, WELL YOU'RE WRONG! Plus there's a new Bugle advent calendar!Become a paid subscriber - OMG we need you! There are great perks and feel good factor. Also, why not check out 15 years of top stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanHari KondaboluFelicity WardProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4323 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world with me, Andes Oltzman in the Shed of Immutable Truth here in South London and I'm joined for this bugle on, we are recording on the 29th of November which is officially Black Friday commemorating of course the part of the Christmas story where Joseph and Mary got 20% off a crib and some some budget nappies planning ahead as always. I'm joined by two comedians who are doing this show on a massive discount just to mark the occasion I assume. Firstly joining me also here in London a big welcome back to Felicity Ward. Hello Hello I thought Black Friday was celebrating the death of the recommended retail price, but...

And well, there's always different ways of interpreting the scripture. It's a day of mourning. And also, also joining us from the other side of the Atlantic, it's Hari Kondabolu. Hello, Hari. Hey, Andy. How are you? I'm adequate Yes, I'm prepared to go in depression terms that means good yeah The sliding scale. Yeah, the the one just below that is still here still here Oh, this is the worst one. How are you? Do you want the real answer?

Or this is the worst one. How are you? Do you want the real answer? Someone asked me in the cafe the other day. They're like, how's your day? And I'm like, do you want the honest answer or just a cafe answer? And he's like, the honest answer. I'm like, mate, I'm rough as guts. I'm hanging on by a thread. And he burst into laughter. I'm like, I'm glad you're laughing. I tried that once and it felt like everything came to a screeching halt in the cafe. Oh, okay. Yeah, I caught the one rare hospitality worker in the UK that wanted to engage. That's why we don't do it. Exactly. That is why we don't do it.

He'll never do that again. F*** me once, shame on you. F*** me twice, shame on me. To quote The Wire. Also, I think that was from one of Jesus's teenage parables as well. I think that was Mary's, wasn't it? F*** me once. Sorry, I'm sorry. I've been in the house all day by myself. I haven't spoken to anyone. I'm sorry, I've been in the house all day by myself. I haven't spoken to anyone. I'm overstimulated already. So as I said, we are recording on the 29th of November 2024. Harry, this is your first time on since the election earlier this month. How's your November been? Why do you have to bring that up? There was no reason to bring that up. We all knew it was there We all knew what how is my November been? All right, we elected we elected we

Elected a dictator. Yeah, it's been it's been a rough go. Yeah. And not only did he win, he crushed the opponent. That's, you know, and I have to go and I have to go on tour in this country. And yeah, I have to, you know, I got shows coming up in North and South Carolina, Virginia. You know, who won't be turning up white women. Not according to the polls. They're, they're not turning up for you, Harry. And I would like to apologize. Not according to the polls. They're not turning up for you, Harry.

And I would like to apologize. The very first time you were on the bugle was our first issue of the relaunch era. And at that point in the history of humanity, Donald Trump had never been elected president of the USA. That's right. That's right. Except on the Simpsons. Yeah we had we had discussed it in a bugle several years before as something so ludicrous that it would never happen. Now it's happened twice and if it happens a third time then humanity will officially have ended. We are recording on the 29th of November 2024. On this, well in fact on the 30th of November 1872 the first ever official

international football match took place in Glasgow between Scotland and England. It was a nil-nil draw prompting a furious press backlash about how the England team was unable to create more clear-cut goalscoring opportunities and the team seemed weighed down by the shirt, calls for the managers to be sacked and fevered media criticism about the avant-garde 1-1-8 formation not really applying to the English players' strengths the next few decades. Luckily, we saw a rapid development in radio as scientists raced to develop a technology that would allow football fans to call in and vent their frustrations to a willfully provocative host. So it was a key moment in the social history of the United Kingdom. In 1936, just down the road from where I am,

the Crystal Palace was destroyed by fire, originally built for the Great Exhibition in early mid-Victorian times. It was moved to South London and burnt down 88 years ago tomorrow. We still haven't got around to fixing it. 88 years later, this country has quite metaphorically gone to the dogs. And looking back to the 1st of December, 1959 was a significant date in the Cold War, apparently. It was very cold. It was the opening, it was the signature for the Antarctic Treaty, which set aside Antarctica as a scientific preserve and banned military activity on the continent. And I don't think it's gone that well for Antarctica. I mean, if you look at the world's most successful and popular continents, military activity really helps the continent progress. I mean, Europe, Asia, classic examples, thousands of years of war, and way more famous artists,

writers, scientists, and TV celebrities than have ever come from Antarctica. So, you know. And what have they got? A bunch of f***ing penguins. Exactly. That's all they got to show for it. So that rather woke idea of it being

a non-military continent, it's not working out very f***ing well for it. Will we ever learn? As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Well since we are approaching the 1st of December we have a bugle advent calendar for you and this year we have a special conspiracy theories advent calendar. One conspiracy theory for every day of December for you to open each morning. So here are your first seven conspiracy theories. For the 1st of December, Goldfish are recording devices which transmit details

about your home to a network of dark websters who share your information with local burglars so they know where your valuables are. Now of course it's not just a conspiracy theory, we have to provide supporting evidence. Evidence, numerous households with Goldfish have been burgled. What more proof do you f*** with me? Your conspiracy theory for the 2nd of December. Dwight D. Eisenhower, the former American president, was in fact a French agent tasked with overturning the Louisiana Purchase and getting the over 800,000 square miles of land that France flogged to the US in 1803, back for the land strapped celebrity European nation. The evidence for this is that Eisenhower spent a year in France in the late 1920s, then cropped up again there in 1944. So draw your own

conclusions people. The conspiracy theory for the 3rd of December is that the penalty kick missed by pop legend Diana Ross at the opening ceremony of the 1994 Men's Football World Cup was in fact taken by Diana Ross impersonator. Ross herself had been whisked off to Europe under the pretense of scoping out the continent for a potential tour. FIFA then paid Diana Ross impersonator to miss the penalty deliberately to set back the cause of women's sport for a generation. And the evidence is that that's just the kind of thing that would happen in football. And also someone saw someone who looked like Diana Ross looking round a museum in Athens, Greece on the day of the World Cup opening ceremony.

And, perhaps most pertinent of all, a gig by the leading New Testament themed tribute act, Dione Cross, was cancelled that self-same day. Come on, mate! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahah Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha bit grainy. The weather on earth in the background of the footage was pretty much the same as it was in July 1937 and someone called Neil Armstrong was probably born in 1899. Your hoax for the sixth is that ET, the renowned film, was a hoax. The evidence is that the moon in the famous flying bicycle scene is too big. Also it was a cloudy night when the alleged incident happened and you can see the flags moving in the wind. And on the 7th of December, your final conspiracy theatre for this week's Bugle, the pyramids in Egypt were built the wrong way round. They were supposed to be four-sided stadiums with triangular stands,

but because the architects didn't have modern computers, they got confused and built them with the stands facing away from each other, not towards each other. And the evidence for that is just basic common sense. So those are your conspiracy theories. I can back up the equator one. I think that's a really good one. If they were so confident that the equator was in the right place, why would everyone near the equator be sweating all the time? They're afraid they're going to be found out.

Well, there you go. I mean, sadly, those are not the most ludicrous conspiracy science. Science! Science! Andy, as I was hearing you go through those seven days, I kept thinking to myself there is nothing else this man could do other than this. Like what the skills that you have and your writing and like it's so good but where else could it go Andy? Untranslatable Harry. Well there you go I have two skills in life. One is bullshit and the other is knowing about cricket statistics. Unfortunately, I've managed to carve a career out of it.

Ironically, Peking at the moment. You might remember, Buglers, in the section of in last week, we asked you to send in your suggestions for what should replace the now woefully inappropriate Statue of Liberty ahead of Donald Trump's second term. We will have a selection of your responses later in the show. Top story this week, the world reaches a half-arsed deal that won't work to fix the environment. In a dance as old as environmental science itself, humanity has come together to act against its own self-interest once again. A late 300 billion dollar deal basically left everyone leaving the COP29

conference in the dubiously selected host nation of Azerbaijan thinking that well basically we're all f***ed. It was something, it was in some ways an ideal compromise. No one got what they wanted. It's not really going to work for everyone. So we are at last unified in some aspect of this crisis. The deal was viewed as not doing enough for any guesses, the richer countries of the world or the poorer ones? Correct. It's me. I'm the positive though, tourism for Barbados and Trinidad is going to go up exponentially over the next few years because both of them will disappear.

Good for them. You know, death rattle economy boost. Get it while you can. It's a closing down sale. I know, I know both of you are huge fans of having a planet that's inhabitable, certainly for the next few decades. I'm muscle menace. Honestly, if I didn't have a kid, I'd be with you, Felicity. Yeah, I've got a kid. I don't know if I want him around either to see this, to watch it. Yeah, it's brutal. Obviously, when you think about saving the planet, right? And we've seen this in so many

different action movies. What do the superheroes do? They immediately go to a conference, right? There's committees, there's group work. They figure out if sanctions have to be drawn up. Like that's what happens. So clearly it's following a tradition of like, this is urgent, quickly, let's get together and talk about it once a year. Perfect.

That's the other thing. Once a year, this should be every day or every week or every month, something. Once it's like, ah, couldn't save the planet this year. We'll wait another year. Also, they all flew out to the conference, Zoom. They're like the only people that are not working at home. Like, well, we got it. What is this job for?

And then they go to Azerbaijan, which is like this major oil hub, right? Like this job for and then they go to Azerbaijan which is like this major oil hub right like this is an old well things just go up in flames because there's natural gas everywhere it's it's it might as well negotiated the deal in hell like what are we doing and and then they invite Saudi Arabia which is like inviting the drug dealer to the intervention. Like, what are you doing? And they, of course, kept changing the text. So you know, because of course, you know, the piece of paper they were writing, it was going to save everything. But like, they kept changing the text, which I imagine was something like, we must transition from fossil

fuels, not and the not was the contributions. So they kept having to delete it and start over. And by the end of it, they were working overtime. And nothing and nothing really happened the way it should have. Yeah, I mean, cop 29. I always think I mean mean I know what he does for a job when he's aged, but what's he like as a person? I'm so sorry. Am I?

Not really. I wouldn't have said it out loud if I wasn't a little bit proud of myself. What was astounding is to read it like the COP meetings are usually for environment or foreign ministers rather than finance departments. So this year they had the finance departments. They arrived with no template for how finance discussions should work. Sorry, but no one thought to organize a discussion agenda before COP29. It was booked in advance.

It wasn't just like the WhatsApp group chat and they're like, yo, let's just talk about the environment. We'll just turn up in Baku and hope there's a spare convention center. Like, is this a climate conference or an improv event? Stag do's are organized better than this. I know British men that coordinate a 10-day Eastern European alcohol poisoning road trip that jeopardizes their mental, physical and spiritual health that is better organized than this cop. I feel like it's so tricky with the environment. I feel like I'm such a bummer now. I hear countries,

I think it was even Ed Miliband was there and he's like, you know, public finances are really stretched because, you know, developed countries are supposed to be helping finance less developed countries because they're the ones that are going to suffer. When they say public finances are really stretched, I'm like, okay, stop, stop funding wars. Like I know that I'm dumb, Like I'm a dumb c***, right? I don't know anything. I'm uneducated. I'm bad at maths. But I'm just like every time I'm like, oh, we don't have any money. Okay, what if we close tax loopholes for big

business or corporation? Because then we have heaps of money. They're like, yeah, we're just really stretched. I'm like, yeah, but there are solutions. Like, I know, I know, we're just so stretched though. But again, you've seen, you've seen like who done it films. You've read, you know, who done it, who done it books. You know, the obvious solution that seems clearly obvious at the start of those films never turns out to be the right one. Yeah, you're right Andy.

So you've got to take the same approach. You've got to take the same approach to the death of the planet. Yeah.. Just wait until you've dragged out the narrative. It's not the billionaires, honestly. Have a look at wildlife. What are they doing to the environment? You know? The eventual agreement was described as, quote, a death sentence for millions and woefully inadequate by campaigners. Defenders of the deal pointed out that those millions will all eventually die anyway and that it's, it doesn't really matter, it's just quibbling about the details and that it's better to be woefully inadequate than joyfully inadequate which would come

across as a bit insensitive in the circumstances. Also, crucially it gives everyone stuff to work on for the next COP next year and the COP after that one when maybe they'll have been slightly better organised. The package was 300 billion, right? Which is 1.3 Jeff Bezos' or 1.5 Mark Zuckerberg's or 52 Mark Cuban's. Just if you wanted to know. I've got a calculator app on my phone. So could we just pledge, I mean, if we pledge Mark Cuban, if Mark Cuban

pledges himself to the environment, do you think that would start like a stampede of other hyper wealthy people, we just need another 52 people of... He's got like a cult vibe about him, I mean to be fair all billionaires do, how do you think they get their money? It's certainly not through hard work. Again it's these simple solutions you come up with. They're just hopelessly naive velocity that you I'm sorry You've clearly not costed it out So you suggesting that you know, Elon Musk was he spent a lot of money on Twitter and turned it from Twitter into the eighth circle of hell shortened to X just for convenience's sake. But I mean,

but I'm not sure that he could really define himself as, you know, you've got to think of his own personal self-esteem if he thought he was doing good for humanity. I mean, I don't know, where would be the motivation for him to get out of bed in the morning. Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. And he'd be lonely. He wouldn't be surrounded by other dictators and fascists and people trying to suck the planet dry so they can build a rocket ship and start a new society on another planet. You're right. Andy, I haven't even thought about it.

It's really stupid of me. I'm sorry. I mean, at this point, I mean, that's the thing I think this is plan B for the billionaires now saving the planet their plan a they've made it very clear They're out of here. Yeah It plan B is for bye bitch India's delegate Chandni Raina said that the document, the agreement at the end,

is little more than an optical illusion, which is a nice way of putting it. It's like one of those magic eye puzzles. It doesn't look like anything when you first look at the agreement. I'd read that. But if you just relax your eyes and stare blankly through it, eventually you'll see the image of a weeping penguin saying, why are you melting my hope? You know, he's crying. He's crying because there's not enough military in the Antarctic. I guess also another fact to take into account is there's no point

rushing into saving the world when Donald Trump is coming into the White House. As a proud skeptic of a viable global future. And there are rumours, Hari, that at the inauguration in January, he's gonna ceremonially shoot a polar bear dead to send a sharp warning to the environment that he's not gonna compromise. Do you think he's gonna do it, or do you think he's gonna pay somebody to do it?

I don't think he's gonna pay somebody to do it. He's not a big fan of doing things. Yes. Of course, there are other meetings at COP conferences, including some quite exciting new technology, some promising a nuclear reactor that can fit into a conventional domestic microwave oven, which I think could really save the world, and a home fossilizer machine, which can put your vegetable waste, your carrot peelings and your uneaten brussel sprouts, your unwanted wood chip wallpaper into your home fossilizer and it accelerates the fossilization process down from several million years to just

25 years, meaning that you could have your own household supply of environmentally friendly coal, oil and gas by the year 2050, when net zero will of course have been achieved, we can all give ourselves a pat on the back and get back to burning stuff like God clearly intended when he invented the fossils. So, you know, it's not all bad news. Australia news now and it's very exciting Felicity. We touched briefly on this last week the Australian ban on under 16s accessing social media. It's now been approved by the Australian Senate. I mean there must be huge concerns in Australia as indeed around the

rest of the world because obviously these things do often spiral out from one country to another, about how society will control and crush the minds and spirits of its youngsters now that social media, which has proved so effective, is not going to be an option. We've already had private boarding schools increasingly out of the price range of most people, organized religion, which has done so much of the heavy lifting in crushing the souls of youngsters for so many years, increasingly pushed to the margins in many Western countries. And now Australia's from a marginalized social meter as well.

So it's looking pretty bleak for those who believe that children must not only not be seen or heard, but just psychologically destroyed. Yeah, look, I just, I love it. It is one of those classic Labour Party policies. We got a bill passed that nobody asked for. Hey, it's us again. It's like when all my friends at school had seen a film called Mr.

Mum, or for our American contingent, Mr. Ma, I'm bilingual, it's not a big deal. contingent Mr. Ma, I'm bilingual, it's not a big deal. But it has Michael Keaton in his first starring role and he plays a furloughed Detroit automotive engineer who becomes a stay-at-home dad. And that is to give you an idea of how much we've progressed as a society, that the premise of a man being a father was a strong enough premise to get a feature film greenlit in the 80s. Anyway, I asked my mum, Mrs Mum, she was going to the video store. Gen Z, I don't have time to explain what that is. Google it, you'll figure it out.

It's quite complex as a concept. It's Netflix in a shop. So my mum was going to the video store and my sister and I were like, you've got to get Mr. Mum, you've got to get Mr. Mum, because for some reason, 10 years later, all my friends were talking about it at school and we were very excited. And she came back, not with Mr. Mum, she came home with Mr. Saturday Night, which is a film charting the rise and fall of a jaded standup comedian who gives into his own ego and self-destructive nature. And that is what the social media ban is

for the Labour Party. Nobody asked for it. It's not quite doing the job. It's confusing and it's not appropriate, quite frankly. I'm gonna disagree. I feel like this is the most important and crucial piece of legislation of 2005. Like it's so, I'm so glad that they're handling crucial piece of legislation of 2005.

I'm so glad that they're handling this problem on the onset. Yeah. Get ahead of it. Get ahead of it before, you know, there's certain social norms are in place and expectations. Also, my other favorite part of this legislation is that, uh, if children find a way to, uh, you know, bypass the restrictions and the ability, you know, whatever they're going to put into place, which they don't know yet, to prevent 16 year olds from going on Instagram, there are no repercussions if they find a way to bypass it. And of course, as a parent, I know that the best way to parent is to make sure there are no repercussions for bad actions and that the children are well aware there

are no repercussions for their actions. So this is set up to win. Yeah. I think that's, look, and the other really important part of this is the legislation does not specify platforms. That sounds thorough, doesn't it? The government says it will rely on, and I quote, some form of age verification technology. Some form. Some form. Could be a guy turning up your house going, can I see some ID? Could just be a quiz.

Like, in the school rumour mill in the 80s, how did the girl wearing a swimming costume die who went too fast on the very fast water slide? The answer is of course she was split in two by her swimming costume, but you only know that if you're above 16. You might not know this, Hari, but Australia actually has historically a really comprehensive and sensitive way of testing the validity of what people are saying. Like when asylum seekers who were trying to avoid persecution because of their sexuality were asked to see if they were really gay, and this happened, they were asked questions about the music of Madonna. These are my people. This is how we assessed if people were legitimately gay and fleeing persecution at a government level, can you name three songs from Madonna's 1992 erotica album?

We are a safe pair of hands. One of the songs I believe is called erotica. So at least you get one. I know. I mean clues in the title, right? They want to help them along. I really hope this does work because I am a fan of traditional bullying. Yeah, finally. Get back to your roots.

I just feel like, as somebody who was traditionally bullied, I feel like there should be a sanctuary, which is your home Like after you're done with a day of bullying, you should be able to go home and do your homework and masturbate in peace without the fear of someone bullying you on your phone. And I feel like, hey, I understand the sentiment regarding the law, like why they want it to be. I do appreciate that because again, I do miss the days of being able to cry at home about what happened during the day versus having to actively engage with more bullying and never having the time to decompress and cry over what had just happened. That's really important. I think also worth mentioning Australia absolutely has their priority rights right in that they have banned social

media for under 16s but you can still go to jail at age 10. That's the important thing. You can still go to prison at age 10. 10! 10! 10! Just to let you just to remind you, 10. Age 10. That was not covered in Wentworth. There's a little juvie section, that's a spin-off series. It's called, Where's My Parents? Will these legislators stop at nothing? Do they want to return us to an age where the only form of media was painting Animal of the Month on the inside of your fucking cave?

And as you put that... I love animal of the month. I would buy that calendar. Generally, generally Bison. Generally Bison. They did a lot of good work. They're like, Bison's killing it again. Well, we're killing them.

Death News Now and MPs in the United Kingdom have just backed proposals to make it compulsory for all ill people to be taken to the woods and destroyed. I might have slightly misread the background information to this. It was a vote on legalizing assisted dying. It's very hard because one of these debates where it's very, very complex and so it ends up being discussed in the extreme margins of the debate. I mean, I believe I'm very, the vote as we record has literally just taken place minutes ago and I think this is a genuinely a step forward for the nation in terms of how we deal with the more disappointing aspects of life such as the fact that it ends. It's an issue of, well, I mean, the vote was, I guess, a binary choice between supporting the bill or not, but one of huge complexity.

And you know, the truth is always somewhere between the extremes. I mean, the way it was presented in some parts of the media seemed to be somewhere between, well, do we really want to sadistically force people to endure prolonged, horrendous suffering at the end of their lives, whilst their giggling relatives literally burn their money in a barbecue at the end of their beds? And at the other end, we're giving carte blanche for people to take out a state-funded hit on slightly annoying relatives as soon as they get so much as a sniffle. So it's clearly very complicated and I couldn't see a single good reason for not legalizing assisted dying, provided all the appropriate relevant safeguards and systems were in place

Which ought to be within the intellectual scope of a mature country and a grown-up to my gosh It could be a bit of a stumbling block there But so they have you know can also understand that as a nation We don't necessarily trust ourselves not to things up royally like this when it comes to legislation, money, services, small print detail and practicality. So fundamentally, I think broadly, most of the public supported it, but also we're aware that we cannot be trusted with anything as a nation these days. So there were concerns about it. I think you can take the words these days out.

No offence, but Britain has form. I am pro-lexit, life exit. I thought the vote was done a little insensitively in terms of ministers having to either put their thumb up or thumb down in a Roman Empire style vote. I just feel like if the governments have decided, I just feel like if governments like get to choose whether or not to do anything about the environment leading to the end of mankind as a whole, then an individual should have the right to, you know, things there. There were various red herrings around, around the debate. And the health secretary, Wes Streeting came up with one of the reddest and

fishiest of them by saying that, well, the cost and the resources that it would take away from other areas of, uh, I mean, that's true of all medical treatments. Already we're making some frankly harrowing practical trade-offs in terms of what drugs are available to whom, when, where and how quickly people can get operations. And if the state really wants to balance its books in terms of health, it should heavily tax everything that is healthy in life from exercise to happiness to lettuce, because those are things that mean you're going to have to pay people pensions for decades longer. And you know, tax breaks for tobacco and alcohol in modern politics. Finally. That's quite literally a

no-brainer. I read something that said, it said MPs have been given a free vote, meaning they can follow their conscience rather than party orders, but it also leaves them to bear the responsibility and the consequences of their choice. Now, a couple of things here. Number one, very cute that they would assume that most politicians have a conscience. Number two, isn't that how people, politicians should be making decisions anyways, bearing the consequences? What are the consequences? You have feelings? You feel responsible for decisions that you make about the country we all live in?

Yeah, that sounds like the vibe. That feels like the vibe of what politics should be. Amongst the other red herrings, well, the slippery slope argument, because where will it end with state grants for people to peg out in the manner of their own choosing, a massive catapult into the sea, people being force-fed to whales in aquariums,

or given special legs of ham laced with a lethal but painless poison, sign me up for that one, or chained to a rock and having their liver ripped out by an eagle, one for the Prometheus fans maybe. But generally the slippery slopes turn out to be not particularly slopey or slippery and if they legislate correctly then it shouldn't be a problem at all. Also there's religious considerations and again, I'm not a God-fearing man, that feeling is entirely mutual. He's not an Andy Fearing man. I guess, if you have, and I understand you might have a religious belief that you think this is wrong, but then whether that should be factored into legislation, when you can always condemn

those people to an eternity in the fiery bowels of hell, surely that's enough. Surely that's enough. They're going to get their own back. Exactly. Surely, surely that's enough. They're going to get their own back. Exactly. In other massively awkward topic news now, good news everyone, the Middle East has been fixed. The long-term hyper squabble partners, the Israeli government and Hezbollah have agreed to cease mayhem that will surely at last be the one that ushers in several centuries of uninterrupted peace and harmony to the world's most socially awkward region. There is a slight concern that this might lead to even greater violence in Gaza, but let's not forget the domino theory, the Cold War idea that communism would total from countries or neighboring country, or maybe ceasefires

can work the same. And you know, if we all ask nicely and use the right emojis around the world, it's quite possible that from this week onwards, there will never be any violence between ourselves ever again. I mean, history, the endless source of grand prix and disappointment that it is, suggests that after a ceasefire deal such as this, the words, and they all lived happily ever after do not always come to pass 100% of the time. But let us cling to hope, let us cling to some hope. Already an estimated 1 million people have

been forced to leave their homes in Lebanon due to this conflict. Lebanon also has already had 1.5 million refugees from the Syrian conflict, some of whom have been going back to Syria. And I guess when you find yourself going back to Syria, because it's safer and more stable, you know that the Dart of Fate has not landed in the treble 20 of Utopia. In fact, it's rebounded back off the dartboard and turned your eyeball into a cocktail snack. Sorry, I haven't thought about it. A dart rebound. So many of my darts have rebounded.

We had a dart board in our house. I am bad at darts then, I'm bad at darts now. It's really tickled me Andy and I didn't think it was possible to get tickled in this subject. No, well, I mean it is, yes, comedically it remains, as it's always been, a touch awkward. If you buglers have a long-term suggestion for peace in the Middle East, why not enter the United Nations Young Peace Broker of the Year competition? It's open to anyone who's under the age of the late Henry Kissinger.

Just complete the sentence, all the Middle East needs is for everyone to... complete that sentence in no more than eight words, then write those words in pastry on top of a pie, bake the pie and hurl that pie literally in the sky. Only job that makes sense, Andy. This is it. Only job that makes sense. You're just so perfect for this. You're so perfect for this job that you created for yourself. Before we go, as I mentioned earlier, you've been sending in your suggestions for what should replace the Statue of Liberty, which will no longer be needed and could quite possibly

just start swimming back across the Atlantic to France where it clearly belongs once Trump becomes president again. Doug has suggested that the replacement for the Statue of Liberty should be a fetus with arms. In one hand is an AK-47 rifle and in the other is a Bible and it's standing on a stake and on the plaque it says, if you thought you were tired, poor and huddled before, just come and live here, bitch. It's kind of hot. Yeah. That would, I think that's, see how that's more appropriate for, for modern New York and modern America, Hari?

Yeah, that sounds about right. My country is garbage right now. Can I go to one of yours? Oh, it's not much better over here. But you can die easier though. You can die with help. Yeah, rather than just having to stand around until someone shoots you in the street. Different strokes. Other suggestions, some from anonymous users. One for a statue of Scooby-Doo, the cartoon dog.

Although Scooby-Doo to be fair was involved in some things that did provide a satisfactory answer. So that doesn't really seem to fit with Trump's MO. Steve suggested a statue of Jabba the Hutt, the retired Star Wars celebrity with Donald Trump's face. Retired. Another user, who goes by the name of user 3201869651585, that just shows how many listeners we've got. I mean, that's trillions, literally trillions of people listening to this show, has just suggested that the Statue of Liberty should be replaced with a giant

orange dildo, which family show, family show, I'm not sure that's appropriate though is it? There was a lot of people saying dildo and I just kept one on the list, just to give a point. There was many plays, variations on that theme. I think that's unfair on the dildo, traditionally viewed as an instrument of pleasure rather than despair. But you know what and one final one I just a me and the missus I guess that's that's the social media tag rather than me talking about me and my my wife I suggested a big fat middle finger just saluting the world would be I think that would be that might be that might be

the most appropriate I think and that could be just just melt Lady Liberty down, cast it as a giant middle finger. Can you melt concrete? Is she made of concrete or is it fibreglass? Well the pedestal presumably is some sort of concrete but the statue itself was bronze. Oh right. You know, if I watch Ghostbusters then I should probably know this. You know it's actually, the reason it's green is because it oxidised. That's right. It's supposed to be brown. Told you, I'm a dumb-

31 tonnes of copper, 125 tonnes of steel. Oh, copper and steel. Right. Oh, copper and steel. Copper. Yeah. I did want on a distant- That sounds like a John Cougar Melon Camp song. Copper and steel.

I think we did do some Statue of Liberty facts on a long, long, long forgotten episode of this podcast. So maybe we can put that out at the end. Right. That brings us to the end of this week's bugle i hope we've fixed all the uh difficult problems in the world for uh the planet you're welcome um if you are in the united kingdom and want to see me uh doing my uh stand-up show the zoltgeist uh come to all of the shows um the details are on my website andyzoltzman.co.uk The details are on my website andyzoltzman.co.uk. Some of them are quite full, which is unusual.

So I mean, if you're used to just deciding on the day if you can be asked to come. Andy's experiencing something very unusual called success for the first time in a while. I've very skillfully managed to manage that through my career. In very much the same way that the Labour government has managed the public expectations. I think I've done the same with my attitude towards success. But anyway, do come along. Thanks to everyone who's come along so far. Hari, what are you plugging this week? The last tour dates of 2024 on December 5th, I will be in Richmond, Virginia at the Gotwald Playhouse. And then the last four cities are all red states. They're in red states.

Speaking of assisted dying. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. in Buil Stronghold, Greenville, South Carolina at the Radio Room, December 13th and 14th, Fort Worth, Texas at the Big Laugh Comedy Club, and finally December 15th at the Comedy Club of Kansas City. And then perhaps I'll retire. We'll see. Felicity?

You can watch my face doing a northern accent in the Apple now cancelled series time bandits and You can also watch the office Australia on prime video worldwide except for the US hurry Sorry, you can't see my beautiful face. Well, you can you just need a VPN I heard I've heard Yeah, you can do that. Right. Thank you for listening. We will be back next week. We'll

have more of your suggestions for what can replace the Statue of Liberty. Do send any other suggestions for the planet in to hello buglers at the bugle podcast.com. Is that the correct address? Chris? Yes. Yeah, there we go. Right. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.