The Bugle - Classic Election Special

Episode Date: October 31, 2020

Andy introduces some classic election moments from 2008, 2012 and 2016, including jet skis, the billion dollar burn, the debut of Scluten Malvein and a general sense of innocence about the world. We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanJohn OliverAnd produced by Chris Skinner LISTEN TO RICHIE FIRTH: TRAVEL HACKER. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugglers and welcome to Sub Episode A of Bugal Issue 4171, the A in this case standing for Andy Zoltzman in other words, me could not face doing an episode previewing the US election after banging on about it so much for the last few months anyway, and I'm also not entirely

convinced that the Bugal is a particularly effective tool for swaying the opinions of undecided voters in the key swing states with all due respect. A also stands for also it is school half term, so I thought I'd try to avoid awkward questions this week from my children such as daddy, why have you spent the last 45 minutes in the shared shouting they'd beet not give the f**k more f**king years? So instead we're going to delve into the Bugle archives for previous pre-US election bugles from years such as 2012, 2008, 1880, also I'm just hearing we did not actually record a pre-election episode that year, sorry to any James A Garfield fans, if you haven't suffered enough, and of

course 2016, we will record a snap post-election bugle on Wednesday with Nishkumar and NATO Green. I cannot guarantee exactly at the stage what the tone of that show will be. All I will say is, don't worry America, it doesn't really matter, one day the universe will end. So there's always that. Right, time to hop into the Bigel Time machine and go back to our first ever US election in 2008. Back in the days when one old white man was controversially seen as more than enough

in any presidential election. Your hosts back then in Beagle issue 51, John Oliver and… Oh God, I was forget the other one. Top story this week and the Congo. Just kidding, the US election. Congo really picked the wrong time to plunge itself into a bloody civil war. Well, we're nearly there, Andy and barring a huge surprise. Either Obama or McCain will be president-elect by the next episode of The Bugle.

That is, unless Hillary Clinton swoops in to take it at the last minute, or one of the founding fathers comes back from the dead. Internally, my money would be on John Adams. He's got come back kid written all over him. This week saw the debut of a 30-minute Obama Primetime ad, which aired across seven US channels at an estimated cost of $1 million per channel. A speak to Americans, write where their heart is. The television set. And through the very thing, the television set was made for, the infomercial.

Ever since John Logie Baird first dreamed of selling a two-minute omelette maker to the public at three in the morning, his historic invention has been building to this point. The program itself should have been a ratings disaster. It had none of the ingredients for a hit show. There were no ex-celebrities either eating bugs or learning to ballroom dance. There were no pets doing the funniest things, no crime scene investigation of any kind, and no over-privileged teenagers driving around in a Mercedes in the Hollywood Hills while

arguing with each other. And yet, somehow, it received an audience bigger than the World Series Final Game, which followed it. That should be put into perspective, Andy. That was the lowest-rising World Series in baseball history. It seems an alien concept, Josh here in Britain, John Ware, our longest particleical broadcaster is about five minutes. And even in that time, Stole Managers usually to result in a fight for the crossword and the cue for the toilet in that order. This bold move proved that not only would Obama make a terrific president, he'd make a possible mainstream documentary make it too.

Yes, his work would be a little syrupy, but it's hard would be in the right place. Some said the spot was so slick, it could have been orchestrated by Karl Rove, which I suppose is a professional compliment and a personal insult. In fact, no, I'd take that back. It was just an insult. I couldn't really spot in Obama's broadcast any overt terrorist messages. And it seems that the election gets close. He's really playing that side of his personality down.

I think his campaign advisors have certainly said, don't make any major threats to America in any of your ads. It's just, it's a time and a place for it. The time is after the election and the place is America. Right. Do you think you'll do it in an inauguration speech? It'll come out. That's when people will be expecting it. I think you'll probably do it sometime the following week. Oh, I see. It'll just rip his chin off and reveal the fake beard underneath the real part underneath the fake chin. But nothing on the scale of this ad has ever been attempted before, although Ross Perot did try a 30 minutes ad

during his presidential campaign in 1992. And of course history proves that that worked brilliantly. Obama did admit though that he's not a perfect man. Yes, Obama did say, I will not be a perfect president, but I can promise you this. I will always tell you what I think and where I stand. Well there, not perfect, don't start pulling that shit now. Let me make one thing perfectly clear, I'm looking for nothing short of complete perfection.

Anything less is going to be a crushing disappointment to me. Rightly or wrongly, Obama has got my unreasonable expectations right up. By the end of next year, I expect world peace, a strong economy and polar bears writing letters asking if there can be less ice in the North Pole now because they've got more than enough. That's right, I expect both global warming to be over and polar bears to develop cogent thought, writing skills and indeed have invested in constructing their own postal system. That is what I believe I've been promised over the last year by the Obama campaign. If I don't receive it, I will take back the vote that I still cannot believe I don't technically have.

This to me, John, this could be the own goal that costs in the election. I mean, that's the gap. Right. The McCain team has been waiting for, because, you know, we've come to expect over the years. We've come to expect our presidents to be perfect. We've become used to the ethereal flawlessness in the White House of people like Bush, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, and so on. It's flawless men with souls of gold, hearts of honey, yogurt, rippling six packs and quads to die for. You know that Jimmy Carter could bench for 70.

Do you know that? I did know that. Yeah. I did know that. Yeah, I did know that. Yeah, but he did it in people. He had a white spot and then he just had people hanging off the exact size. If this huge ad ends up working on Tuesday, Andy, has it set a dangerous precedent? Will future campaigns be boiled down to each side, releasing one feature length blockbuster movie and playing it nonstop for an entire week? The boundaries are going to keep getting pushed back, who will release the first IMAX political ad. Maybe McCain should have not only released a similar video, but done it in 3D, giving

each home in America some 3D glasses, except, of course, judging the way that he's run his campaign so far, he'd have just used it for an attack ad, making a barmer's face in black and white, luminingly into people's front rooms. Well, maybe he could do the first 24-hour real-time attack ad. The outtakes from a barmer's infomercial, absolutely hilarious. At one point, he saw a woman walk past a little bit like Tammy Wynnett and started singing, stand by your man. But then he couldn't remember past the second line.

So he just got us far as sometimes it's hard to be a woman, giving all your love to just one man and then just broke down laughing. Then there's another one where he puts on bin Laden, bin Shal's death, the West. Oh, death to the West, er, it's an outtake, a genre of movie. Oh, we have me going there.

Well, it was a very funny joke. And he also said God help America instead of God bless America. But I think I was a Freudian slip. Such is the spending power of the Obama campaign. He's even bought 30 seconds of the bugle. So I'm afraid we're going to have to run his ad now. Here it is. Well, Andy, yes, that does seem a little light on content.

But it's made me feel a bit better about it. It's all about denying it. It's all about impression at this stage of an election, John. That's right. We're never going to hear anything new from it. Yeah. But I do feel that he's no real, that I trust the man that sounded presidential to me. I think it's a bit unfair, John.

We're skewing a people very much in favour of the Democrats, and that could prove absolutely crucial on polling day. So I think in the interest of balance, I'm going to donate 30 seconds of the bugle to John McCain, who clearly can't afford it. Oh, that's a good idea. So here is John McCain's 30 seconds of the bugle. I'll cut that off. Cut that off.

That is a shame. That's beneath him Andy. Why does he keep stooping so low? Is America actually excited anymore, John? That's the... It's just days away now. It's tired, Andy. It's like a box of the... Gone into the ring of a prize fight. Excited, jumping around, listening to the music. Bit of shadow boxing. First five rounds. Absolutely huge. But now, America really is towards the end as both sides throw in towels asking to stop the fight before someone gets hurt. Both boxing is just leaning up against each other and dribbling.

But the key to the election could prove to be those who can't vote, for example, children, dead people, Iranians and me. And I feel just as you do, Dishon franchise, and I've watched a lot of this campaign on television. And I think I think we both deserve a go. I'm vote to being suppressed. Well, I'm in the Constitution. Yeah. Which was never a good, I said at the time it wasn't a good idea, that Constitution. 2008, there, but of course 2008 turned it extrably into the year London 2012, and would you believe it another presidential election? And Barack Obama was up against a young whippersnapper

by the name of Methanual Romney. And that election was not just a political storm, but well, it wasn't really a political storm, it was relatively straightforward, but there was quite literally a quite literal storm as well. Let's delve back to 2012 and bugle issue 212. It's a top story this week. F*** you Chicago, you just lost the title of Windy City. Yes, we are leading with Hurricane Sandy this week partly because that blustery bastard

very nearly meant that we couldn't do a bugle at all today. Hurricane Sandy is, of course, a slightly strange name for a hurricane. It brings to mind the character of Sandy in Greece, played by Olivia Newton-John, and it only really would have been fitting if Olivia Newton-John had spent that entire movie flipping over cars, pissing on people's carpets and punching John Travolta in the face. Have you not seen the DVD extras? Well, then it would have seemed eerily appropriate. Now, it has been a while since I've seen Greece,

but I think she only actually does two of them. Point is, the build up to the hurricane striking was actually pretty impressive. Most of the vulnerable areas were evacuated, even here in the city, and people hunkered down safely and responsibly. I wasn't sure whether people would fully respond to the warnings. And part of it was expecting to see crowds of New Yorkers standing on the beach on Long Island facing the ocean, grabbing their nuts and screaming, I got your hurricane response right here, buddy.

Good the f*** out of here. Oh! And that didn't happen that much. That did well, not that I saw Andy, but I'm not going to say it didn't happen. It probably did happen, but not in the numbers that I was expecting it to. There was one magnificent moment of lunacy in the build up, not only just for the city of New York, but for the country of America. I was watching the local news just before the hurricane hit,

as yet another reporter stood pointlessly close to New York Harbor illustrating nothing other than their ability to be proximate to a body of water when something truly wonderful happens. Just over this reporter's right shoulder, suddenly entering the frame, a man on a jet ski started jumping waves and zooming around New York Harbour. That's right. And the amount was watching the news. Witnessing countless reports predicting the coming of the most dangerous storm on record in New York and thoughts himself, oh my god, that looks terrible.

This is truly an emergency. You know what, reacting quickly is always critical in these situations. So, I better wax up my jet ski and get out there, because I don't want to be the only New Yorker not jet skiing around the harbor when the hurricane strikes. And a Will Sandi credit to the cameraman at this point, because he did not hesitate to pan immediately away from the wet journalist, he was inexplicably supposed to be filming.

And instead, he followed the jet skier all over the harbor as he attempted to jump off the highest wave he could find. It wasn't it wasn't clear exactly what the long term aim of this escapade was but at one point I was wondering whether he was actually going to try and jump off a wave and high five the statue of Liberty. Now you might look at the hurricane and the devastation and tragedies that is left in this wake and think there is absolutely nothing positive about this. But of course you'd be wrong because if you are, say, an investment author and therefore have had your soul surgically removed years ago, then you don't see a crisis, Andy.

You see a catastrophe. Astro tunity. Arthur! Arthur! Arthur! Arthur! Arthur! We have another word for the bugle-exercise ladies and gentlemen. Arthur Larry Oxley gave tips this week on how to trade the so-called Frankenstorm to make money, saying, it's almost hilarious, but the beauty of extreme weather investing is that you don't necessarily have to be ahead of the event. You can just play the opportunity as it unfolds. You're right Larry, it is almost hilarious.

And you should point that out to the families of the 90 people who've died. Their almost hilarious deaths will be made somehow less tragic with the news that you managed to personally profit from their deaths somehow. And you're also right in a way and you can play the opportunity as it unfolds. You can technically do that. But should you, Larry? Should that be the first thought in your diseased mind as a humanitarian crisis unfolds? To see, let's say, a monsoon barreling towards Haiti and say to yourself, let's hope that thing picks up steam.

Come on, mascadualties casualties. Larry needs a new speedboat. Sorry, did I say need a new speedboat? I meant to say, Larry wants a new speedboat. And what else was happening that week? Well, obviously, someone was hurling themselves out of a hot air balloon from 100,000 feet above the earth because why not? There have been some sensational news involving dead devils recently, or to give them, you because why not? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa stepped off a platform 24 miles up in the air and hurtled back down to earth. And now, the one thing I think Felix really missed out on Andy was not saying anything just before he jumped because he saluted, but he really missed his Neil Armstrong moment.

He could have gone with, holy shit, this is high, or actually forget it. Can you bring me back down? Or, Bobgartner away. Or I think the most appropriate, there is absolutely no point in this. Well, I was very disappointed that he did just go, wee, or even Geronimo,

or even I can see my planet from here. But Baumgartner is an Austrian man, Andy, which I personally found slightly disappointing. Because this really feels like something that an American should have done. This is my adopted homeland, Andy. And I really feel like if someone is going to do something that's magnificently misguided, this heroically stupid, this discernibly inexplicable, this tremendously pointless,

then it should be an American. And also, nice tri-Austria but you're still most famous for Hitler okay it's gonna take a lot more than riding a balloon to the edge of space and jumping down to make all of us forget that little f***er that you brought into the world. It might have slightly ludicrous claims about being all being very important scientific research and I guess you know when we've learned a lot about what you know what to do if you ever find yourself stuck floating in a balloon a hundred thousand

feet in the air with high-tech equipment, a pressurized body suit and a oxygen supply. I mean we all know now what to do in that situation. I just wish he hadn't even pretended it was for science John. As you say he is a magnificently ludicrous man. He should have called it as it was and said, I'm just doing this for the f***ing hell of it. That is a far more noble heroic pursuit, John. Did Roll Damelson get his piggyback ride to the South Pole for science? No, he did it because A, the South Pole was there and B, he thought he might meet some hot chicks down there.

And C, he wanted to see the look on Captain Scott's face. When he turned up a few weeks later to find the Norwegian flag urinated in the snow and a message saying, Chilli down here, isn't it? Did Neil Armstrong John leg it to the moon for science? No, it was for Cold War politics. It is a far more noble goal. If Neil Armstrong hadn't built and flown that space rocket,

we would all be speaking Soviet by now. And he also did it to see the look on Buzz Aldrin's face when he elbowed him in the ribs and jumped out of the rocket first. Apparently throughout the stunt, Babgartov was in contact via an earpiece with Joe Kiddinger. He's a 84-year-old American mentor and the previous holder of the highest altitude manned balloon flight. And I'm guessing that Joe was a little less impressed because he jumped from 102,000 feet in 1960, essentially in his pajamas, Andy, standing on the platform, finishing his cigarette, flicking it into space, shouting down to his wife to have dinner on the table, and then diving back down to earth. Just before a bound-gart jumped, you could hear

Michel Constrol say, Guardian angels will take care of you now If I'd been up there Andy that would have annoyed me I've been really because I was on a needy stinking pleasure that you would be taking You and science I spoke to him on the phone today. Did you? Spoked him on the telephone. Did you really? Yeah. What was he, uh, he called you or did you call him? He called us.

He called me on another job I was doing. I was trying to give him a girl's phone number, but he wasn't having any of it. Is that true? Yeah. Come on, did someone, did you know what I was saying? I want to go out with that. Yeah, yeah, exactly. She wanted to date with him, but he was insisting

he was a family man. Well, he's got to be worth a lot for a life insurance pay, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah. He said, though, he said his next, he was, he's going to give up jumping out of space and become a helicopter pilot, which, that's a bit dull, and that's a bit. I want to see if he can double up John, and fire himself up to ground level from 24 miles below the Earth's surface. Let's skip forward now to 2016, and the last time in human history, when a world in which Donald Trump had never been

and would never be, US President, was still possible. Here is the last episode we did before the... I'll f uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh is now fully over. A winner has been declared in every state, and President Obama has been reelected as America's new old president. And that whooshing sound was the bullets that almost every country in the world dodged with a Romney presidency, unless you live in Pakistan,

in which case that whooshing sound was an Obama drone strike, whizzing past your house. Either way, we all got lucky. Now, the truth is, Andy, that this election ended like any other American election ends with just under 50% of the electorate absolutely devastating. Because that's the way it goes here in this country. Under a two-party system, America has become as divided as one of King Solomon's babies, unhealthily, straight down the middle.

There is no doubt that, like Florida, this is not a good state for American democracy to be in, because not to labor a point, I'm not sure what the fuck Florida thought they were doing, because this is all over, no thanks to them. The result was announced before midnight on Tuesday, which was surprisingly quickly, and certainly a lot earlier than most Americans had braced themselves for, because when you have a presidential election, Andy that involves the state of Florida, which unfortunately

is most of them, you have to prepare yourself for the worst. I wasn't just ready for long night, I was ready for long few weeks. I'd stocked up on canned goods and candles in the office just in case Broward County decided they wanted to start fucking with the rest of the country again. Well, it's in the, well clearly American people are split, but the American media also seems split. Honestly, say whether America had in fact dodged a bullet or whether it had deliberately stood in the way of a bullet and the headbutted it while shouting bang. And it's very, I'm a child, he had a bit too early to say who this is good news and bad news. For I guess in a barma of victories, very good news, as you suggested, for the Pakistan roofing industry. Also good news for Mitt Romney, because being president

is frankly a really shit job. And I would not waste it on my worst enemy, which explains what I've never voted for, either a son who have been lardon, never really got on with him, the former alkyd, a front man and professional scripture misinterpreted, and I've also never voted for Sam Taylor, the former comedy critic from the observer newspaper. LAUGHTER Grindy, Grindy, mediocre.

What's only on for 20 minutes? You can't grind in 20 minutes. LAUGHTER The point is, Andy, this election has left me an empty husk. This election season and this election week took what was left of both my energy and my will to live. And if the result had gone a different way, it might have taken the rest of my faith in human nature as well. And so once more, President Obama walked out onto a stage in Grant Park in front

of an adoring crowd who gave him a messionic response despite having four years of pretty hard concrete evidence that this was far from a perfect president, let alone the messiah. And he went on to give the kind of fantastic speech that just made you wish that he could govern as well as he talks about governing. Because when you listen to him deliver the kind of speech that brings a lump to your throat, you find yourself thinking, why can't someone like him ever be president for reminding yourself, oh shit, he is president and he has been for the last four years. Except that guy on the stage giving the speech Andy has not been president. It's been just a very tired man who looks a lot like him

and has been trying to negotiate the bullshit minefield of DC politics. I don't know if you can tell from the tone of my voice Andy or read between the lines but I'm so so glad that this election is over. This has been an incredibly expensive, incredibly cynical and incredibly depressing election, having said that, watching her and Kane run for president was like watching the most entertaining car crash that I've ever seen. Oh, Nick could have gone on longer. 2016. Kane for 2016, he has the official bugle endorsement. Don't rule it out, Andy.

He is as interested and as qualified then as he is now. Also, let's we forget, this election has actually made US history, Andy, because it has never, ever before cost so much money to not become president. That is something that's so, what is he spending? It was almost $2 billion, was it? Or I've seen various figures banding around between $2 and $6 billion on the overall cost of the campaign. I mean, that's pocket money for Romney, but it does seem like they could possibly have spent it on better things,

maybe just our giant 50-meter high statue of Hermann Cain dressed as Abraham Lincoln, perhaps. Well, I think it's a fair point, Andy. If it was, each side spent over a billion dollars in the course of this campaign, and Americans might well find themselves asking, well, what could that two billion dollars have been better spent on? And I actually think I have,

a couple of key suggestions. One, they could have just set fire to it. Because I think that literally might have been a better use. For a start, you don't get any of the poisonous campaign media that the money was used to buy. So you're already up on the deal by getting nothing. Plus, you know, burning two billion might actually, in a small way, help reduce inflation slightly. Or two, they could have just simply put the money in a glass box so that the American

people could look at it and appreciate what both campaigns had not spent the money on. Thus, putting the approval rates of most American politicians in general up around 10,000%. Well, was that better or worse than four years of Donald Trump? Let's let history be the judge. Since we're talking about Americans and we don't want to talk about that American, here is the first coverage in the bugle of another controversially provocative American back in issue 170. Other news now, the Celebrity International Celebrity Chef, Sgluton Malvein, has defended using a fast-acting poison in one of his dishes.

At his famous New York Brassary Belchissima,, after a non-life endangering starter of regretful wood-pigeon hand-haunted in a memory of a sparraget wrong-doings, bondage to a bed of covertly assassinated scallops and hard-punched potato faces. Malvaine served his customers a plate of penis-less chicken soup-reams in a potassium cyanide jus. The dish described as, quote, initially delicious, succulent and mor moreish but subsequently rapidly fatal. Is then swiftly followed by a palette cleansing caffé lime red peppercorn and a hydroxy cobalamin granita, providing a refreshing and life-saving antidote for the desperately gasping diners.

Most make a full recovery in time for the main course, a high speed car crash tenderized paragon of overbearingly mothered beef groin with a acidic reductio, roughly manhandled chontarell mushroom willies and a perked bouncer of cabbage tits. Some have described the experience as, quote, an interesting twist on the traditional dining experience. Others say that, quote, almost dying early in the meal, makes you really appreciate being alive for the cheeseboard.

Although some have complained that the cyanide left them with irreparable physical and psychological damage that no amount of doggy bags to take home and complimentary napkins can compensate for. Malvaine's other restaurants include Testiculate in Chicago, La Jolie forne-gatorz in Paris, the screaming shithead in Buenos Aires, and London's new controversial, abusively-staffed Mexican and tactic fusion in Saltobistro. A reversal, a beautifully starved Mexican and Antarctic fusion in Saltobistro. These, of course, all run alongside his famous San Francisco delicatessen and sex shop, Gerkens and Merkins. Malvein commented, food is about more than flavors and textures. It's about emotions and passions.

When do people get more emotional than when they think they're about to die? Other than when they're rescued from the precipice of oblivion. Now, put your hands in the air and stop breathing or I'll shoot you. Just kidding, have a pickled onion. Taste pretty sweet, eh? Die mother f***er, die! Ah! Got you again, spam fritter. Don't mind if you do. You've been very rude today Andy. Sorry about this. Very rude.

You're overtired, Andy. Alright. And you're showing off. 18 f***ing s***s and 3 f**ks already. Really? Wow. Well, there you go. I think we can all agree that was rather more fun than another week chuntering on about the brutally sadomasochistic self-desecration and deliberately orchestrated putrescence of American democracy. Or more virus news. Let's just check the latest on that.

Yeah, definitely a good call. We will be back with our post-election bugle next week. Until then, fingers crossed. Good luck, America. You may need it against yourself. Goodbye. you