The Bugle - Colonies update (4225a)

Episode Date: April 8, 2022

Andy is on his holidays/vacation so do enjoy some bonus extra Bugle taken from a recent recording with Anuvab and Alice, along with a hefty chunk of The Gargle - featuring James Nokise and Tom Neenan.Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAnuvab PalAlice FraserJames NokiseTom NeenanAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Ped Hunter. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Bugleers and welcome to Bugle Iss issue 4,225 sub-episode A for A Hiatus is being taken in Buegl faction for a couple of weeks whilst Andy goes on holiday. This week we bring you some previously unheard chunks of spare Buegl that were withheld from publication when we recorded them due to fate and the Will of Zeus, or the editorial decisions of Chris can be so hard to tell the difference. And you can also hear a chunk from the Bugles sister audio publication The Gargle, the glossy magazine to the Bugles rigorously serious broadsheet, bringing you a wonderful collection of comedic talents around the world, some of you will have heard of on the

Bugle and some of whom you will not, all hosted by the one and only Alice Fraser. Other news now and Australia is clearly very concerned Alice about being first in line for an alien invasion because it's launched a new space command defence agency, Peter Dutton, defence minister of whom I know you're a massive fan. He stars himself visually very much as I want to be cartoon, Machiavellian, Shiaista, Barry. And he said, these words, he said that Defence Space Command would quote, secure Australia's place in the Cosmos. I mean, it's mostly very exciting for you.

It's very exciting for us. It's an attempt to combat sinister superpowers who are presumably trying to infiltrate our way of life. It's been run by Air Vice-Marshall Catharobits, who said that she's scared of Australia's inability to combat Beijing and Moscow's internet activities for the most part, satellite activities. She said that Chinese satellite could theoretically take out the National Broadband Network for Regional Australia. But if you'll remember from a bugle a couple of probably a year or two ago, the National Broadband Network could be taken up by cockatooes.

So, yeah. Maybe we need to go to a slightly lower than space to start solving our problems. The role includes sort of increasing Australians's national understanding of space threats, which I think is a thing that I'm going to look forward to. I can't make too much fun of this story because my cousin, Alice Gorman, is a space archaeologist, and she's probably gonna be heavily involved in this.

Ha ha ha ha. Well, I mean, and China, obviously, a huge threat because there's previously discussed China's got just a lot about a 25, 30 year window of opportunity for blasting Australia to smithereens with a death-drain megalaser from space before Australia takes delivery of its three or four nuclear power submarines from the August deal and becomes an unstoppable global force. So, time is of the essence, you can see why Australia wants to defend itself.

I mean, one of the best things about this news is that the uniforms that they've chosen to wear are camouflage. And I'm just not sure that you need to be camouflaged in the endless black length of space, but it's very nice. What I think was probably there was a bit left over, Camo Fabric. They didn't leave that. BELL RINGS Empire updates, and well, and if our children in Britain should, according to the education section in Nadim Zahawi, be taught more about the benefits of the British Empire, as well as the, as we mentioned, glitches that it perpetrated or underwent. He cited the successes of a

priest Adam Hussein Iraqi civil service as the sort of thing children should be learning about. And I mean I agree that we need to learn all aspects of things from history. But how has this gone down in India in terms of the great benefits of Empire? I mean, I guess it made choosing food in restaurants, in Bengal at various times of history, a lot simpler because there was no food at all anywhere. So, I guess it was probably clear that quite a lot of thinking time. Yeah, I mean, look, Andy, you and I have gone around and seen sort of some physical benefits of empire. Large marble statues put up in different parts of India, of tall British people, and for generations afterwards, India's staring at them confused as to who they were,

and why they're in the middle of an important Delhi street. So there are benefits, you know, but here in this town that I'm in in Punjab right now, they're a little bit upset about some 2000 unarmed freedom fighters being shot to death on a particular day. So when I spoke to them, their feelings are a little more mixed about the benefits of empire. I've tried, I've tried to have a longer discussion with them, I've even tried to say can we sort of settle this over a British meal of Chikinti Kamasala and see if I can win you well over. But they seem to not sort of see that sort of joyous sight of the empire. And I think it's mostly because they're humilists, I think. I mean, I haven't really got to the main reason.

But for whatever reason, they're upset about 4,000 Punjabi unarmed protesters being shot by colonial forces. And they do not seem to somehow see the fun sight of empire. The problem is one of analogy, I feel. Not danger of being. But I feel like the problem is one of analogy. Because on one hand, how do you quantify many thousands of innocent dead versus cricket? How do you balance out a train line against the complete destruction of the integrity of a culture.

It's very difficult to figure out how to quantify. It's mixed. It's very mixed. It's really great, Alex. I mean, it's really, really great. Yeah, but how many lives worth of great? Oh, look, don't make me go into the stats. Yeah.

I mean, look, it's mixed. You got a few famines as Andy has researched, a few massacres, but in return, some tremendously good gin and tonic, right? So it's mixed. This is what I'm trying to get at. It's mixed. The gin and tonic. These mix.

It's also a mixed gin and tonic. So, you know, I mean, there are many, many benefits. I don't know what language I'd be doing this podcast in, and would I prefer to do this podcast over the fact that 4,000 random people died. I don't know it's mixed. It's very mixed. So, Alice and I just had a very quick question for both of you. And I know it's not one of the big topics, but it sort of is. And I want to know how both of you think about this. Obviously, Prime Minister Johnson wants to be a Churchillian wartime leader.

And he thinks this is World War II and he's churchill. Now, when Joseph Biden showed up, Prime Minister Boris Johnson, if you saw in the video, was the one who wanted to introduce him to the different world leaders. Stannext to him and give a good speech. Instead, he was sort of stuck behind Emmanuel Macron. As Emmanuel Macron went around introducing President Biden to everybody, Boris Johnson sort of was going around

sort of like a chicken with his head got off. And my question is, do both of you feel like he is the Churchillian leader that we all need? And if so, how does he bounce back from this to become Churchill? Well, I guess, I mean, that's always been Johnson's dream and very much, I mean, I don't know if Joe Biden had, you know, the full dreams of being Roosevelt, and we certainly know that Putin is wanting to go the full Stalin.

So I don't know if we're due some kind of World War II conference Reunion. This is the problem with modern politics. It's just trying to gritty reboot old politics Try something new and original man. I mean Boris Johnson is I've said this on the people before halfway to becoming church your church will famously said I have nothing to offer but blood toil tears and sweat Boris Johnson's got halfway there can simply say I have nothing to offer, but blood, toil, tears and sweat. Boris Johnson has got halfway there, can simply say, I have nothing to offer. There he is, 50% search. Now here's something from the gargle. In a time when corruption is king, where contagion

is legion and the lords of men spend their time saying pointless shit for giggles. When the polar ice caps release their long-held curses as they melt, and an ancient Japanese devil rock has cracked open, potentially releasing the demon within, if you believe in that sort of thing, devil rocks, not climate change. Only one podcast dares to invite you to ignore all of that. That podcast is The Gargle. All of the news, satire, none of the politics. This is the Sonic Glossy magazine to the Bugles Audio newspaper for a visual world. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Tom Ninen and James Stokeysay. Welcome back! Hello! Hello! We're going to take hands and plunge into the saiyans that is the body of this week's magazine, but first let's have a look at the front page.

Today's front page is a glitzy Hollywood spread because awards ceremonies are being held in person again. Finally you can enjoy all the glamour of strangers wearing clothes. Stories from the Hollywood glamour include an in-depth look at what the woman wore on the night and an in-depth interview with the psychological trauma the male actors inflicted on themselves and their colleagues so they could play a character from a children's book and a speech that keeps going. Just when you thought who's over, it is still happening. And our satirical cartoon this week is from the UK where energy prices are set to go up by 54%. It's a picture of a small girl making a prank phone call and she's asking, is your fridge running and the man she's called is saying yes, but he's tied to a chair and the fridge has run outside with all of his money and some kind of fridge man hostage situation. You can tell he's stolen all his money because the freezer compartment is full of banknotes and the cartoonist has added the helpful caption,

the man's fridge is running dot dot dot away with all his money because energy bills are expensive. End quote. The man's fridge is running dot dot dot away with all his money because energy bills are expensive. End quote. Satire, it's not dead, but it might be too expensive to keep in our city flat. So your parents are going to start introducing the concept of a farm upstate. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. And now our spectral news, opening story, a ghost. A ghost is haunting a beauty spot apparently. The ghost of a dead woman has haunted a place called Dead Woman's Ditch, loudly telling people to f*** off. a beauty spot apparently. The ghost of a dead woman has haunted a place called Dead Woman's Ditch, loudly telling people to f*** off, which is what I would do too if I were a dead woman and people kept stomping in my ditch. Tom Nene and you've been in a ditch. Can you unpack this story for us?

That's certainly words. Dead Woman's Ditch, possibly the worst place to invite anyone on a first date, I'd say. It's a red flag. It's an instant red flag. So yeah, so this is what I love is it's in the Quantox, which being British already sounds like a swear word. And yeah, people have been scared off because this one, sometimes it's whispered. Sometimes it's shouted. I don't know if there's any particular sort

of differentiation between, you know, if it's shouted, leave quicker, if it's whispered, maybe stick around for a bit longer. But yeah, people have been scared away from this, from this dead woman's ditch by a ghost who's been turning the air blue even though apparently she's called the woman in white. Is that right? She's like the white woman or something. I mean, it definitely is a white woman. Definitely. She's the people to f*** off and probably also saying she's going to call the manager. So yeah.

Cough back to where you came from says this woman. Exactly. Yeah. So yeah, back to where you came from says this woman. Exactly. Yeah. So yeah, so I don't know whether, you know, like all these things, it's not true, is it? But it's nice to believe that there is a white woman out there, a ghostly Karen telling people to get the hell out of her ditch. And maybe I'll take a visit.

Maybe I'll put, maybe I'll pay a visit. And just because I like, you know, if you have a thing about women talking dirty, then you can get it sort of from another realm over there. If that's your king, I'm not gonna kink, Shane. Yeah, I mean, I feel like this is one of those stories where like many of the ghost stories,

it's just a story about a woman who they haven't figured out where she's standing yet. Yeah. Classic, exactly, yeah, yeah. They'll find out that there's just a shared somewhere and a woman with, you know, a tannery. And that, you know, it'll be a disappointing revelation to this.

But, you know, good for her. Get good for her, getting your opinions out there. Usually, you know, the amount of women who want to say something and then, I spoke an over by a man immediately. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a man in white they're sort of, you know, ready to correct her and speak over at any point.

Actually, yeah, this woman isn't telling people at the digital f*** off. She's just pent up rage from like 40 years in HR and she's just standing in the ditch saying all the f*** off that she wished she said. Definitely. That's my heaven. My heaven is literally going somewhere.

All the people you wish you could have told f*** off you just get to scream it into an existential void. James Nookie say, have you ever stood in a ditch and been told a f*** off? No, no, I mean, look, maybe this is just a racial divide between us guys, but generally when people of color encounter a ghost that tells them a f*** off, they f*** off.

LAUGHTER We're not like, oh, maybe we'll investigate or go through a holiday or let's run a new story, which is like, oh, thank you, guys, okay. That's not... for a holiday or let's run a new store. It's like, thank you guys. Okay. Nothing good. Nothing good. It's going to come from sticking around and investigating this. There's a whole genre of movies just based around ghost telling people to

f*** off and they're not f***ing off. Poor ghost. Now, when is she shouting? She's been trying for hundreds of years to warn it. She's started off as a gentle ghost. That's the thing. Like, hey, excuse me. Yes. trying for hundreds of years to warn, it's standard off as a gentle ghost. That's the thing going,

like, hey, excuse me, yes, if you could just, and that was like in 1792, but by 2032, it's just, it's a s*** off. Ha ha ha ha. S*** off. Well, I mean, look, I don't believe in ghosts

because I believe that believing in them gives them more power. But I think that it's an important thing here to debunk this story. We need a sort of a Scooby-Doo gang to unmask this woman in white. Well, we're kind of dressed like one today, aren't we? Yeah. I mean, yes, that's a great joke for an audio podcast.

Yeah. I'll go Zoix as well. I think coding listeners to go and investigate. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. And today's show is brought to you by Tachion Particles. Are you writing science fiction? Do you need a spiffy sounding reason for your spaceship to do spaceship things? Tachion Particles are the narrative device that conceals the truth that you'll show about the space future was written by professional writers who've never been to space or the future.

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As a big doctor who found I am both a delighted and offended by that. Reverse in the Neutron Flow does everything. It does. Absolutely everything. Yeah. Are you insufficiently tense? Try Netflix shows where the buzz of the phone sounds like it's your phone.

Hours of fun, but ruined by frantically reaching for your black rectangle, each and every time a fictional character has their one set to silent. And when your phone goes off at the same time as theirs, ooh, spooky. And what if you're watching the show on your phone? The worst.

Try Netflix shows where the buzz of the phone sounds like it's your phone, The worst. Try Netflix shows where the buzz of the phone sounds like it's your phone, for a heart attack today. And if you've ever thought of owning a pet, why not try Scorpions? They're aggressive, they're disloyal, they're poisonous, and they'll definitely bite you if you're a frog in a fable. Scorpions, the dry lobster that kills. Scorpions, why have you done this to yourself? Now, it's time for your clubbing news, not seal clubbing. This is the news that a night that kills scorpions. Why have you done this to yourself?

Now it's time for your clubbing news, not seal clubbing. This is the news that a nightclub is planning to sell off chunks of its sticky carpet. If you weren't eating anything, I apologize. James Noke say you've been stuck to a carpet before. Can you unpack this story? Many times. Alice sometimes of my own relation. So Halifex is, and I apologize to locals if I'm saying this wrong,

Acapoco. Sometimes I say English words too ethnically. Acapoco. It's been a fixed share of the Yorkshire town of Halifex since 1961, and they are selling off small bits of their carpet, which is a unique 70s design and unclean. Well you can get clean sections in a glass frame which is very arty for 50 pounds and we'll just get a section of the cloud for five pounds and it all goes to a charity

called Street Angels which I assume is a charity that specializes in helping people who've caught infectious diseases of carpets. It's a bold move as someone who spent a lot of time on nightclub carpets. I have to say, I don't think I ever wanted it to follow me home, especially the sticky sections. Well, you too can own a souvenir of a visit to a crab, Yorkshire nightclub, well a souvenir that isn't regret, by buying this carpet. And again, inexplicably, they have not used the selling of the carpet to buy themselves a new carpet.

They're just leaving the remnants of the old carpet. There I assume, or the stickiness that stuck the carpet to the floor. So you can have all of the stickiness and none of the carpet. Tom Nenean, have you been to this nightclub? No, I studied at Durham and what people at Durham have frequently, you know, they're very proud of saying, is that Durham held the record for having the second worst nightclub in the world.

It did until the first worst nightclub burnt down. So the clue's in Durham is sort of officially the worst. I mean, how do you, what's the metric on that? I literally think they just take a black light to the walls and see how much of it doesn't reflect back. It's horrific. I'd say like, here's my controversial opinion, don't have carpet in a nightclub. I think there's four places there should be no carpet, bathroom, kitchen, nightclub, hospital. That is the those are the rules. If you find yourself wanting to carpet there, just stop because you just want with a basically with a perfect nightclub is somewhere

that you can turn up all the lights and it looks fine and then with the lights are on, you can hose it down and start again. Yeah, you mentioned this 70s design once again, not great for an audio media, but if you do Google it, if you do Google this, it literally looks like tapeworm. This design literally looks like into swiney multicoloured tapeworm. It is absolutely vile. But yeah, you can have your own guessing sort of venereal disease, fill piece of felt or whatever on your wall if you want to. In the fence of this, look, it wasn't spired because they had a birthday party there for a young boy whose parents had, oh no, I don't think a young boy, but a young boy whose parents

had met in the club. And so they got a piece of the carpet as a bit of a gift, which I don't think I want the carpet of the place where my parents first hooked up. I think that's a lot more. Yeah, that Patrick carpet could be your potential siblings. Yeah. So I don't know why we've all assumed that everyone just jizzes on nightclubs. It's not a thing I've ever seen.

Like plenty of disgusting shit happens in nightclubs, but it's mainly not people choosing up the walls. I think we've made some horrible borderline bigger to the assumptions about the people of Yorkshire and I sincerely apologize. Definitely. I will say that thing about places not where carpet shouldn't be. I went to a low-dessar school and I was in the debating team with a couple of mates

as a way to get out of school. And we ended up going to our high-dessile school and I went to use that bathroom before it was a bay and came back and we're, bro, there's carpet in the toilets because I've never seen carpet in a urinal before. Well, you know how they have the steps. The step was carpeted and they mocked me for the rest of my time. That's right. You're going, hey, remember when you got free, like I was the weird one. I was weird to go into a urinal knowing what happens to the urinal and going, oh, this should, this is too much.

Yeah. Then a famously good with their, their aim. So, um, yeah, very worried. They did say one thing I love is that they said that they started selling it and then, you know, they said it just snowballed from there. Guys, that's not a snowball. That is, please, just launder this thing and then sell it. Well, that's all the time we have for our clubbing news because now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editor to bring in something to review out of five stars.

James, no key say, what have you brought in for us today? Now, I know it's going to sound political, but it's not. I've just got back to my hometown of Wellington and I just want to give a quick review to the occupation outside parliament that we had because it wasn't political. It was just a bunch of idiots with too much time.

So I've looked at it. They were trying to get rid of, if no one knows the story, of their words, our communist leader, just in their are doing. And they did this, hand on hard, no word of a lie, Alice, by forming a commune outside Parliament, where they lived for a few weeks until the police. And most of the city of Wellington was like, oh, f*** off, we tried a ghost, we did try a ghost.

But then they ended up worshiping it. They set fire to things as they left, including the children's playground, which seemed quite ironic because they were officially there because they didn't want children to get vaccinated. So they wore for safety of children but mainly needle-based. For too long we have arrived under the sum of big children. Exactly. And the best part is they had tinfoil hats, which sounds like I'm taking the piss out of conspiracy people,

but no, because they started to get COVID, they convinced themselves that it was radiation weapons from parliament, and so we're wearing tin foil and the local supermarket sold out of tin foil and all these people were walking around with tin foil hats going, why are you teasing us for being crazy? So difficult, difficult, satirical situation at that point, almost entrapment, one would say. But I've reviewed it and they overstayed their welcome. They burned down a kid's playground and they achieved nothing. Nothing actually happened. No MPs came to meet them from the government.

So I'm going to give it two stars out of five just for the effort, just to acknowledge the effort of organizing and following through. But it's going to read like a four. I mean, it is hard. It is hard. I tried to get people to come to my gigs before. So getting a bunch of people to form a commune. That's some flying skill. The commune against communism is underappreciated charity.

And Tom Ninen, what have you brought in to review? Today, I'm doing an album review. but it's a review of a photo album that I found in my late grandmother's attic, which we're doing some sorting and we found this one and I'll just give you the edited highlights. So my Nance photo album, which I found in her loft, so it starts strong with photos of men from the 50s, you know, they are white, they have pencil thin moustaches and they're real creamed hair, very much looking like the kind of people who in a movie would have refused service to Sydney, and I'm going to guess equally as racist. Then there's a big time jump, we jump straight away to the 80s and a wedding

of two people who I have no idea who they are, never met them and no idea who, if they're connected to my family or not. Obviously, Big Shoulder had pads and big hair and my favourite image from this is a large group shot with basically everyone from the wedding in it and on the far left a man has quite cheeky got his penis out which was love was was a thumbit of of a harmless tape in the 80s and in the 2020s, obviously a cancelable piece of malfeasance. How times have changed for the better question mark? Yes, full stop. That's what the new doctor who's going to be with this wokeness is just going to be doctor who's going back in time,

canceling people for things that weren't offensive back then. That guy is going to get, he'll just get obliterated and you know who could, who could argue with that? The album ends on a, on a strange inclusion. This is genuine as all of them are but this is just, it's struck me. It's a photo taken of my grandmother's television on 9-11. So it's 9-11. As the plane's hitting, she has taken a photo of her television. And a handwritten caption just reads a terrible day. So, period, if she's not wrong, it's a thrilling piece of social history. And I'm going to give it 9-11.

Never forget. Thank you, now. I mean, I think that is so charming that she decided to have that photograph printed and annotated like everyone else might not have recorded it. Yeah, I think there are cameras on that day. I think we've got discovered. Tom, I have to apologize. I doubted your grandmother. Right, I can tell you said what she wrote.

And then she wrote a caption. I was like, oh, oh, whistler's going. If the caption was just finally, then it would be a little more. I'm not worried. Success. Yeah.

That's a lot for this week. No complaining. We will be back next week with another sub episode. Don't forget to buy tickets to my Soher Theater run of Surist Fahair. That's the 9th, 10th, 13th, 14th, 16th, 17th, 20th and 21st of May, 7pm kickoff, so Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Saturday for a couple of weeks from the 9th of May tickets. Buy Andy's Alston.co.uk, all the SoHo Theatre website and please do send in your email requests

for topics for me to satirize to satirize this at satiristforhard.com and do please include the date of the show you will be coming to. Alice Fraser is currently performing her show, Cross at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival until the 24th of April. Do go to see that or our vengeance will be swift and of course deadly. Nish Kumar is also on tour and in fact most of the other bugle co-hosts are up to something or other, all the details somewhere in the ether or internet. And to download this week's gargle and indeed all previous episodes from your usual podcast placings. There will be another sub-episode next week until then bugle as bugle hard and bugle

often. Whatever that means, goodbye. I don't forget to buy the tickets for the Soho Run, please. You can listen to other programs from the Bugle, including the Bugle, the Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and the Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.