The Bugle - Cormack McCarthy's Spring Break

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

Have the Gates of Hell opened? What do we do with all these rhinos? Does the UK even have a north? And who is in the bin this week? Rupert Murdoch, that's who!PLUS: Become the owner of an exclusive episode of The Bugle, on 12 inch vinyl! Become a premium member NOW! https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateThis episode was presented and written by:Andy ZaltzmanIan SmithJosh GondelmanAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Googlers, and welcome to issue 4,275 of the world's foremost source of reliably unreliable half-truth speculation and analysis of the latest developments in the human race's fierce battle with itself in the evolutionary race. I am Andy Zoltzman, Lord of all I survey, albeit that the only surveys I do are of me, and it's time to do this week's survey. Right now, in fact, here's the first question we'll survey. Do you think Andy Zoltzman should remain as host of the Bugle podcast? I think I'll put down, don't know, no change in the polling on that one.

It is the 25th September 2023 and today. I'm joined from the unremittingly utopian harmony fest and glittering beacon of mutual tolerance and respect that is the United States of America by Josh Gondlman. Josh, welcome back to the Beagle. How are you? I'm well-think-you-happy to be an utopian correspondent. And also joining us here in London in in the enduring land of Grudgery and Recriminational Stroppeldom that is the UK. It's the one last best hope for a brighter future, Ian Smith. Ian, can you live up to that height?

Oh, I don't know. It's a lot of pressure, isn't it? It is. I think you're right, too. What worries me is why no one, and I've only just found out about this now. Right, I could. Yeah. So I'm on the committee and we pick you as the last one last best hope for a brighter future.

Oh right. You've done my best at doing some prep. Josh, you join us on, well, an exciting day. It seems that the young boy. Oh, well, yes, of course. Thanks for the. I'm wonder. Um, the, uh, the Roger strike is coming to an end. Can you just fill us in on what's happening? Why it seems that way.

It seems like the, uh, Roger's Guild of America and the amputee p the Alliance of studios has come to a tentative agreement. So there aren't a ton of details yet, but it is really exciting news and hopefully more good news to come. It's been 146 days and so I think people were really excited to hear that we've reached this tentative agreement. Saga after a still on strike and hopefully that will get resolved soon as well. And then I'm excited to go back to being just regular unemployed. That's what's on there. I seem to be.

And I'm excited to go back to being just regular unemployed. And that's what's on there. I've been through me. And I mean, how do you think this is going to change writing? And because people have been, you know, they've got 146 days of pure quality backed up in them. It's just going to just all come splurging out into, you know, the greatest television ever ever created. That's right.

It's going to be like uncrimping the garden hose for just 11,000 writers brains all at once. And it is going to be like uncrimping the garden hose for just 11,000 writers, brains all at once. And it is going to be, yeah, it's going to be a geyser of excitement and quality. Ian, since you were lost on the bugle, you've been to Edinburgh festival where you lost the festival. Hard luck. I mean, you would would you would announce as one of the the near runners up. So congratulations for that Bowman. How was that that defeat weighed on you? Um, yeah, well, because I guess it's quite good. I was nominated for three varying quality awards and didn't win any of them. So there's a moment where you feel very proud of yourself,

but you know that there's an inevitable crushing defeat coming, not once, but three times. So it's got a testing month, a bit of a roller coaster. Well, but right in on the bugle is a serial loser. That's why we have you on this show. In my positive news though, I got a text message from my voiceover agent today saying I might be able to audition for a role in the CBB's animated series, Doug Squad. So, so yeah, maybe in a few months time,

I'll be too big to be coming on this podcast. Who's the real winner now? podcast. Who's the real winner now? In's last performance in the shed Andy in May featured Ian Panicking about what he should do for his Edinburgh show this year. It's nice to see the full narrative after that show. Well, congratulations on doing so well and we will give you a chance to plug your imminent run at soho Theatre later in the show. But first, as I said, we are recording on the 25th of September 2023. On this day in 1690, the first ever newspaper to appear in America was published. Public occurrences, both foreign and domestic, lasted one issue in 1690 before it was closed down by the British colonial authorities. Very unlucky for public occurrences both foreign and domestic to launch on one of the very few

momentary micro periods of British history when a remorseless commitment to free speech has not been on the British core values list. It was shut down for the reasons that the 1690s could probably share with us at some point. It just raised an interesting question. Should all newspapers be restricted to a maximum of one issue? Would that lead to a healthier media landscape, if they weren't allowed to just keep festering the society from within? I'll be in favour of that. But the problem with only ever having one issue on the 20th of September 1690 was that we never found out the answers to the daily quiz. In that first issue, luckily I can share them.

Now the answers to the quiz, question one, Ferdinand III, preceded Leopold I as Holy Roman Emperor, it was of course the New York Bunny Wangers who won the inaugural 1689 season of the American Rabbit Herlling Championship. Question three, she was his cousin. Question four, probably a witch. Question five, definitely a witch. And question six, the best-selling children's book of 1689 was, of course, that's not my Pope. So that on this day in 1690, the only ever issue of the greatest newspaper of all time.

As always, well, on the subject of newspapers, a section of this audio newspaper is going straight in the bin and it's featuring a man who's, well, published a lot of newspapers, Rupert Fox Murdoch, so called because of the stench he leaves behind in the detritus of public discourse after he's rummaged around with it, is stepping down as the boss of Fox and News Corp

and our section in the bin looks at where now for Rupert Murdoch. What next for him, he did say as he stepped down, the battle for freedom of speech, and ultimately the freedom of thought has never been more intense, and he can certainly take a lot of credit for quite how f**king intense that battle has become.

And you can decide what side of that battle you think he was on. Murdoch of course is best known for being in charge of newscorp when times online launched the bugle podcast. Rupils didn't have a particularly hands-on role, though, as I remember. But what next for him? Well, of course, he has been linked with the Man United job with Eric Tenharg under pressure and experience leader, such as Rupert Murdock, could be what the Red Devils need to turn

around their faltering season. Alternatively, he might open a coffee shop and or fair trade sustainable fashion boutique. Option 3 to pursue his childhood dream of a career in interpretive dance. He is apparently working on a solo ballet based on the Australian mythological frog Tiddellick, one of the star amphibians of Aboriginal creation stories, teaming up with tennis star Pat Rafter to save a distressed platypus called Mildred from being kidnapped by aliens. Option 4 is that he could be put out to start to breed the next generation of democracy

skewing media billionaire truth's blatterers. Another option is to start a new news empire from scratch, Rupert, apparently, looking at starting up a local newspaper in the rural Bolivian town of Bermaco. Good challenge for Rupert's safety still got those skills at the age of 92. Another option is to run for elected office, not particularly efficient way of wielding power. In fact, let me do the math. It's 0.03% as effective as what he's done previously, so he might not be interested in that. And of course, the most likely option is the belated formation of his proc folkband of quite literal 90s music with fellow non-Aginarians buzz. Honestly, the moon is the belated formation of his prog folk band of quite literal 90s music with fellow

non-agenerians buzz honestly the moon is real aldrin Henry kissy kissinger and retired monican celebrity own deathfaker the queen taught eights imminent well I mean whatever he does it's he's he's really been in an intense position for a long time he's really just probably whatever it is going to take a step back and enjoy a little period of transition before his, what clearly is his ultimate goal of hell. Eternal hell. Yeah, I mean, I guess you don't wanna rush into that to you.

No, you don't wanna move from one big thing right into the next big thing. But I mean, maybe that's what hell needs. We'll actually touch on hell later in the show Ian Smith and Chris as well. Hell correspondent. We'll have all the latest from there. Top story this week. Opening gates news. Well, life is in many ways. If you want it to be all about opening gates, closing gates and choosing whether or not to open or close gates. Both literal and of course metaphorical gates, and if you're a surgeon specializing in

tech billionaires, Bill Gates is too. But one gate of generally being skeptical of opening is the Gates of Hell, but it turns out they have now been officially opened according to the UN Secretary General, Antonio, go with your guteras. Humanity has opened the gates of hell. I mean, generally, people have been opposed to opening the gates of hell. Do you think this is a good move or not on behalf of humanity? Well, I think I just assumed this must have happened ages ago. Right. It doesn't feel like a shocking development, just more like a reminder. He said as well that we're heading towards a dangerous, ununstable world, and if we're not in that now, what is coming up? To say something that's going to make us feel scared,

it would have to get to sort of calm at McCarthy, the road levels. They asked to come on stage and say, we're heading towards a world where we're carrying all our possessions around in a trolley, and protect our children from cannibals. And I think even then some people would say that I was quite an aspirational lifestyle. There's two sides of that, right? Some people might hear that and go, I'm gonna have to protect my children to be a cannibal. And then other people I think,

I'm gonna get to eat a kid. I've always wanted to. Two sides of it going. Yeah, that's that's that that's that positive American attitude you bring Josh. I mean, it's you know America. I mean opening the gates of hell is pretty much you know a summary of American politics 2016 and following years. I mean, do our people concerned about what might come out of the gates of hell? Are they hoping for an improvement if the forces of evil from within the bowels of hell actually come out and start working in American politics,

will this improve things for America as a nation? Well, I do think there is about half the country that is against opening the gates of hell pretty firmly. Or like we should at least means test what it would do to open the gates of hell. And then we've got the other half that wants to kind of kiss the end of the world right on the apocalypse.

And I do think that climate change, right? It is, hell is an apt metaphor for what's happening because if it gets warmer, it will be spring break everywhere all the time. And I can't imagine a more torturous set of circumstances under which to live other than Kormic McCarthy's spring break. His his lost novel. Uh, yeah, so he was, so he was, so he was, was specifically

referring to the environment. And, uh, you know, I don't know what you think of the environment if you're for against it, but it's proved to be a very irritating opponent for us humans. And particularly now as we find ourselves forced into cow-towing, to the woke agenda of wanting the planet to remain inhabitable beyond the economically crucial next five to ten years. And obviously there's those you think the environment is a hoax, or that the reason we get once in a millennium where there are events about once every three months is not because the environment has changed, but because time has changed and millennials

are in fact only 12 weeks long these days, or even who think that what's the point of having a planet to live on in 200 years' time, if you're quarterly economic figures don't start improving now. So, I mean, it's not quite as clear-cut an issue as destroying the environment and the planet is bad. And maybe the UN needs to have a little more flexibility on that.

It is alarming to hear diplomats invoke biblical imagery, right? That's not their purview. That's truly like if a priest was like, you have a 0.7% chance of survival and you're like, whoa, you really shifted the paradigm father. And he made these comments at a one day climate summit. And I was very relieved that there was a one day climate summit because I think what the world needs in these times of global boiling is another summit, not just any summit, but a one day summit that is preparing for another summit later in the year

because there is no problem too big that it cannot be solved by throwing good summits after bad to get it fixed at some point in the next 300 years. The next summit as well, 28 is in Dubai. So the word about things getting hotter, just hold it in Norway. What do you think seems better? I would think it was a fail cooler.

Yeah, I think that could work. I was going to say, how do you get a climate summit in Dubai? That feels like a world cup level of bribery must have been involved. Yeah, it's not that obvious place to have it, is it? And I was always with climate summit, it will involve a lot of people flying a long way for not very much time

and not doing a great deal with it I did feel a little sorry for Gutereas. I mean his face as you'd expect I guess from the UN Secretary General his face very much says I f***ing hate my f***ing job and You know there must be a day when he just thinks oh can we just talk about something less f***ing depressing than all the stuff I have to talk about so I do feel a bit sorry for him Do you think at the UN conferences they have a silly story at the end, like on the news? Well, what would you,

I mean, if you were delegate the UN conference, and that's surely just a matter of time in, what kind of thing will you tag on to the end just to perk things up? Usually it's like a a record brick in size, but a food. That's the crowd plays it to come on and say, well, we've made the world's longest forget.

So it can't be all bad, can it? Speaking of warming, this world record size pizza was cooked in another and that gets up to 550 degrees. There was an article here about the impact that these things are having on the younger generation. And a survey for the Princess Trust in the UK found that young people are now abandoning their dreams and ambitions because of a range of factors including the cost of living crisis but also the sort of doom laden state of the environment and this was presented as a bad new story and to me I mean this is one of the few silver linings from this because I mean it used to be that it took you know

I don't know a decade two decades sometimes even three decades for society in life to crush the spirit of the young Until they just give up all hope. But now we're getting it done by the time people are in their mid-20s. And this is just a rare example of efficiency in the modern economy, and I'm absolutely right, I'm bored with it. I agree. I think the last few generations have been encouraged to live their dreams, and that's what got us into this mess, right? Dreams! And that's what got us into this mass, right? Dreams. LAUGHTER

MUSIC In Britain, there's been, well, an interesting mood in the environment debates. And Rishi Sunak, the interim prime minister, has jumped once more into the burning breach and chucked some more soothing matches into the fire. He's announced various rollbacks of British environmental commitments,

he's delaying the phase out of gas boilers and petrol cars, and he also announced he was scrapping a lot of things that weren't going to happen anyway, but had kind of been mentioned, so that if they were to happen, which they never were going to happen, then they could easily have happened. And he's presented this as him jumping to the defence of ordinary British people and stopping things that weren't going to happen happening to them. And with the conservatives riding so low in the polls, Unack clearly is jumping between environmental bandwagans in an effort to steer his government's Titanic to a slightly less deep and soggy section of the electoral seabed. Do you think it will prove

deep and soggy section of the electoral seabed. Do you think this will prove effective? I mean, he's relying on people just ignoring the fact that he is making shit up, that he's going to stop from happening, that wasn't going to happen. People have been forced to have seven different bins in their homes, which wasn't going to happen. Do you think this is the way for politicians now to just make things up that weren't going to happen and I mean, do you think this is the way for politicians now to just make things up that weren't going to happen and then present themselves as heroes for stopping them happening? It probably is the best way to get an electorate enthusiastic because I mean, most people don't look these things up. Like, most people don't fact check anything. So if you say a thing happened and I stopped it, you're probably just

going to believe someone. Like I think if I told my friends, oh I saw a woman getting a handbag stolen and I chased after the person I gave her a handbag back, my friends aren't going to be checking the CCTV cameras of the area. I said it was going to happen. They're just going to believe me. I'll maybe give myself a black eye, just punch myself in the face. So yeah, it's very, believe it, seven bins. I can't think of seven categories of waste that could go in bins. I tried to list it and I got recycling food waste, garden waste and human waste. And then all I could do was miscellaneous and then I've gone whites and yokes.

And then I've gone whites and yokes. And then I've gone white and yokes. And then I've gone white and yokes. And then I've gone white and yokes. And then I've gone white and yokes. And then I've gone white and yokes. And then I've gone white and yokes. And then I've gone white and yokes. And then I've gone white and yokes. And then I've gone white and yokes. And then I've gone white and yokes. I mean, that's a lot of bins, isn't it? Seven different bins that we'd have been forced,

forced to have, similarly, there are other suggestions, the number of passengers you were going to be allowed to have in your car. And these weren't so much concrete proposals, they were things that had been vaguely floated as ideas for putative moments in the future. But it was presented by Sooner because if we're gonna be forced to share cars of people we'd never met, who are going in completely different directions to us, and we're legally entitled to sit in the back seat, threateningly revving a chainsaw.

So, I mean, it's a weird thing, isn't it? I mean, you can't scrap something that wasn't gonna happen and say, well, I can't and would not accuse the Prime Minister of losing credibility or authority or legitimacy. That mean that, similarly on those grounds, I couldn't say that. But, I mean, similarly on those grounds, I couldn't say that. But I mean, Josh, what did I don't know if you've been sort of following this story over here?

But again, the environment seems to become this sort of political issue where it's almost sort of being performatively wrong on the environment seems to be electrically effective. Oh, yeah, I mean, you're talking about this is the future. And I'm saying this is last year's this old news for us. That's classic. We, although I do think the there's no better way to fulfill campaign promises than to promise to solve problems that don't exist. That's you batting a thousand, easy, right?

Oh, hey, no extra terrestrials are gonna come down to earth and launch nuclear weapons at our heads of state. Done, done, 100% done. Joe Biden, interestingly, we got some good climate news over here. Joe Biden started a, it's a climate core. The American Climate Core was to employ 20,000 Americans in green energy and environmental restoration jobs.

And on one hand, I am happy to see any concrete step in the right direction. But on the other hand, by like employing 20,000 people in this climate core, it's like saying, oh, you want a livable climate? You can do it. What do you think about that? Soon, I also said that the two many years politicians and governments of all stripes have not been honest about the costs and trade-offs. And he was talking about the environment,

but in a country that voted for Brexit, in which he supported Brexit and it was entirely founded on not being honest about costs and trade-offs. There was the heroic levels of hypocrisy that politicians reach for now. In a way, you have to admire it. Slow watching Armand de Plontis do the poll, you think, I mean, he shouldn't be able to go as high as he does, but somehow he keeps finding, finding, well, he stood in front of a lectern as he made this speech with a new slogan on the front, saying long-term decisions for a brighter future. I don't know if that was the first instance of a party managing to get two screeching U turns into one pithy slogan, or just the dangers of lecterns not being wide enough to fit the whole slogan on and

that they missed off the words at the end long-term decisions for a brighter future are absolutely not on the f***ing agenda or are the kind of work shit we won't have any truck with boat conservative to round the final nail into the coffin of the future. Also, I think when they'd be being unfair because when I think a conservative leader doesn't mean what we mean when they say long term because the sort of life expectancy in that job is about three months. So they're probably say long term is like a six-week plan. Right, butterfly policy. Right, they're on the end result, it's been 12-week millennium. And it wasn't just Sunak, still surprising after all this time,

home secretary, Suella Bravaman, in a rush after Vonesty, an accuracy said, we are not going to save the planet, and then spoiled it all by carrying on and finishing the sentence by bankrupting the British people, which, which is a real shame that that is not an option for saving the planet. Because if you could save the planet by bankrupting the British people, we would have people in our government who are genuinely world leading environmental superheroes and we would have to reinterpret this process as prime ministership as an effective if extreme just stop oil protest.

And I'm not saying I agree with the technique she chose to use. She shouldn't have inconvenienced ordinary people to make her point as much as she did, but at least it got the message across. And Bravman also said that net zero targets were goals, not straight jackets, but let's not forget, you don't need to score a goal to win a football match. And you know, really we just need to grind out our nil nil draw against the environment, take it to a replay, maybe try and force it to penalties, hope the environment bottles it under pressure in a game it knows it should have won it is the British way. I'd also love to see a football game where the team have to wear straight jackets.

Ah! Just trying to see someone get up after a foul. Right. We would do it with those controversial handball calls, wouldn't it? She's really raiding off the potential joys of straight jackets. You didn't say it. Yeah, don't know if there's a single spot that wouldn't be more entertaining to watch if everyone involved wasn't wearing a Straitjacket. Oh, snooker. I don't know. I'm be funny. It's always good to look for ways to improve sport. The chair of Ford UK said she

wanted only three things from the British government, ambition, commitment and consistency, which is a request which based on the record of this government has as much chance of success as asking your pet Anaconda for legs, well-researched tennis punditry and a fine baritone voice. in a condo is really they only make a singular demand and that's puns. I've been at Wilson to add a some mixed lot reference. Lord makes a lot now of course. I've sent you a new one. Of course. On a sort of related topic, we've talked a bit about the HS2 rail line over the years on the beautiful flagship new rail line that was supposed to revolutionize transport across

the nation. In particular across the north of England where there's been so little investment in on the rail network over recent decades and it was going to revolutionize rail transport the north of England by making it about 10 minutes quicker to get from London to Birmingham. Now I know you grew up in the north of England, you must have been hugely excited about the prospect of the slightly shorter time, train times to Birmingham just absolutely rocketing the Northern economy into another dimension. But it turns out now that this rail line will not reach either end of its planned route. It's not going to reach as far as the north, and it's not even going to reach all the way into central London. They're now talking about stopping it at Old Oak Common,

and people have to get on the tube. So basically take just as long, but with tens of billions of pounds wasted for no fucking reason. This, I mean, obviously, as a representative of the north of England, you must be honoured and delighted that this has been bequeathed to your people. I mean, yeah, the slight consolation of it not going to the north is that it also isn't going to London. Um, because yeah, all the thing of like when you realize when you live in London that the further out a train stop is the more obscure and like a sort of children's book, the train station names become.

So, as you know, all the common you're like're like, that's not essential at all. Some of the ones on the outskirts, there's Chalfont and Latimer on the Metropolitan Line, which sounds like a kind of ITV-2 detective drama. And all that becomes a vaguely sexual in your end is like Northwood, Bushy, Bell, Size Park, and Rodding Valley. But also, so I read that. actually in your enders like Norfwood, Bushy, Bell size park and Rodding Valley. But also, so I read that...

Well, as I'm by the way, for not bringing cockfosters into that list, that was remarkably disciplined. Yeah, well, I've sort of, I see it as a mark of becoming a Londoner when you can hear cockfosters on the tube and you don't giggle anymore. You can spot the tourists by people who are... I'm not happy that that joy has gone from my life. But they're going to come into old or common and then they're going to have to get the Elizabeth line and there was an article that said that's going to put an unbelievable amount of strain on the Elizabeth line and it just made me think we can't have the Elizabeth line dying in the same way that Queen Elizabeth died being ridden by far too many people from Birmingham until she stops working. Family showing. I think I might be the most revolting thing anyone said in the inside history of the I felt giddy. I have to say it. No, I thought it was beautiful Just like mathematically like I saw all the pieces to that joke hovering behind my head

Just as a beautiful mathematical equation and was like he's done it. He's cracked it Yep, and and the I think the funniest thing about them kind of doing this to the north is like a big part of how they won the last election was getting that the red bell of northern previously labour voting towns and then we've not long for a general election to go. They're sort of announcing basically we don't care about the North and the Conservatives are doing this immediately before they have their conference in Manchester so they're going to cancel the trains to Manchester and then go to Manchester. It seems, I mean if you're going to sort of do that to them, you think surely a clever person would have the conference in Manchester,

tell them they can't work for HSTOTACOM and then the next week go, oh no, actually we're not gonna do that. They're not even timing their lies. The way they're doing it now, they're basically banking on like, why are you gonna catch us and we leave? We're just out of here. You don't have a, there's no transportation. Because I do think this is Andy, he hit on this. I think this is an environmentally friendly move, right? What's more environmentally friendly than getting across the country on rapid, widely available green public transportation?

And that's staying still, not going anywhere. And I think by encouraging the public, the stay where you are initiative, the kind of a shelter in place indefinitely, I think that encouraging the public, the stay where you are initiative, that kind of a shelter in place indefinitely, I think that is going to be huge for carbon emissions. Yeah, it's very exciting time. Also, as you said, this HS2 line now, I think has become that rare infrastructure project that benefits all parts of the United Kingdom equally, all the different countries, all the different

regions of the United Kingdom are getting as much from this HS2 project as all the others because it's going to be absolutely f**king useless to everyone. And that is the kind of equality we have been asking for for years. It feels a bit like the, if I'm getting the name right, the Cigrada familiar, and Barcelona, the unfinished cathedral, that it might become a sort of tourist attraction where people would just come and look at the HHS2 tracks and got what the architect said.

This was gonna reach Manchester, and we keep chipping away it over the years. And none of us are gonna admit that it does look terrible to be honest. Another positive environmental story, well one animal that is doing very well, is rhinoceros which have roared if indeed a rhinoceros can roar, back up in population, to 27,000, which is way more than the half a million that were at large in the 20th century, if I've done the math or I... Before people decided that it might be a good idea to see if killing almost half a million rhinocerosis would be fun or not. And of course, Lego started their

luxury rhino horn limited edition. Did they ever get, what should they ever get made that? I know they did their hipotodger edition. I don't know if the rhino horn one got canned or not, but, uh, but well, there has been a bit of a recovery in the rhino population. Is this good or bad? I mean, it's, because, you know, they are an evolutionary threat as discussed, you know, we discuss it with a number of species that we're supposed to be excited about being saip, but the Rhino is one of our competitor species. They could easily horn us into submission and now we're actively helping them climb back up the ranking.

Yeah, I think 27,000 feels like plenty. Right. Totally agree. Right. You say you want a global Rhino quota that you cannot, you cannot go. A one-child policy. That's kind of how many people, that's about how many people are in live in the town that I grew up in and that's plenty.

Right, okay. I don't need more rhinoceros than people I grew up around. But I mean, what if, so you're saying should put all 27 rhinoceros in a single town and see if that helps or, you know, they just all want to leave like you and you really end up with a New York full of. rhinoceros is one of the rhinoceros is pursuing their dreams, which is we all know is environmentally catastrophic. Well, this is it, right? Our good environmental news is like, hey, there's more monsters. Big horned monsters are making you come back. She's like, how it couldn't be something fluffy?

I guess the message of this podcast is death, the right nots versus, from the good of society and the environment. I don't think they're really back until we know what one tastes like. Right. That's when I think we'll know that they've like, they're back enough that we don't have to worry.

And you can casually be like, oh, this tastes like rhino. And I mean normal people. Because I think Jeff Bezos knows what our inoceros tastes like. You can see I don't think they're back enough until Burger King has a rhinoceros whopper called the Rewaperus. Right.

So this now is a goal. For the conservationists, you will not have succeeded until the right, what did you call it, the rhinoceros whopper? The Rewaperus, yeah. The Rewaperus whopperus is on the menu of Burger Kings. You will have failed, rhinoceros, conservation until, and to aim for that, reach for the stars.

Burger King, reach for the stars. The Star Wars. The Star Wars. American News now, and it was been a bit of a tough week for Joe Biden, the president, who's, well, what seems to be most of his weeks now, and what's been a bit of a tough week for Joe Biden, the president, who's, well, what seems to be most of his weeks now, in which various things have not gone quite as well as they would ideally have gone for a president, raising the question, is

he too old to which the answer is, is the Pope a Catholic? And the answer to that is, yes. And both of that way, because their followers have chosen them to be so. Because American politics has struggled, it's fair to say, Josh, to embrace the new, as we mentioned on the bugle before, since Bill Clinton was born, the only person to be born who's gone on to be president is Barack Obama, and it's now heading towards a quarter of a century since Clinton was president. It is in an extraordinary state, American American politics and it's quite hard to look ahead to the next year and a bit without feeling that humanity is entirely doomed. So, I mean, how do you see that the, well, the weak Biden's had and why that tells us about American politics now?

It's bad, right? Because our choices are Joe Biden, who spent the week he bumped into a flag, he's getting people's names wrong, he's forgetting to shake hands with foreign leaders. And as the president, you have to do, for in America, you have to do one of two things. You can be right, right? You can get things right, you can be astute

or you can do what Donald Trump has always been doing and been wrong on purpose. Like he just says whatever. And even if he accidentally calls someone the wrong name, he just rolls with it and decides that's their name now. And it's Bob DeSantis. Doesn't he look more like a Bob? He'd be right at home and a bucket full of apples

on Halloween going up and down with new folks. And so I think like he's, Biden's gonna pick a lane. Is he gonna like keep it sharp, right? Do a couple crossword puzzles, memorize the clock, or is he gonna do what Trump does and just say whatever and lean into it? Biden does seem like kind of normal for a man of his age, but the problem is when you're relying on your peers

and you're 80 years old, there is an enormous likelihood that they'll space out and write in Jimmy Carter or Howdy Duty for president and that's gonna take your whole campaign. So he's just scary. Walking into flagpole, getting people's names wrong, forgetting to shake people's hands. I mean, I would say is, you know, that's probably the worst things an American president has done in living memory.

I would say that is way worse than encouraging insurrection and an attack on the heart of American democracy. He walked into a fucking flagpole for fucking psych. I mean, you're gonna accept that. So there's a new poll, right? And it feels likepole. The fuck's psyched, you know, you gotta accept that. So there's a new poll, right? And it feels like it's making an undue impact, Andy. The same poll has been widely criticized. There's a new poll that says Biden's approval rating

is 37%, which is definitely a bad sign when you're a sitting president's approval rating is less than half of their age. That's terrifying. But the same poll has been criticized for using an unrepresented sample of Americans. It showed that Trump's leading Biden by 10% nationally, which seems highly unlikely considering what a huge

percentage of Trump's supporters are now in jail for storming the Capitol. But you'd think that would tip the scales a little bit. There's no chance, right? That Trump wins by that big margin. Our elections aren't usually that divided in the US. If Trump retakes the presidency, it'll be the old-fashioned way

that his Republican predecessors did. In fact, he did it himself, losing by millions of votes and taking power because of a map for cheating, creating slavers 250 years of tradition. Ian, I mean, I don't know if you're going to plan into vote in the American election next year. I know you'd love to democracy and you vote as often as you can and there's many different places as possible.

Would you be wary of voting for a man displaying quite such notable signs of age? Which one? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha with my fake American passport, Jose Rodriguez will be casting his votes. Yeah, I mean, I was trying to look up because I'm always really fascinated by the US elections. And so with the last one, I think it was during lockdown, I was gonna stay up and do like an all nighter and I baked a cheesecake and made some sort of like American like food and I was like this is gonna be fun when we're gonna watch

Trump get sort of ousted and then I couldn't stay awake any longer and Then it was still like four or five days before it was confirmed. At that point, the cheesecake had long gone. I think it started off as like Jux about him being old. And now it's hard to make those Jux because he's doing stuff that just makes you genuinely worried. Like there was a thing, I read that he told the same story twice at the same event, like in a speech, and I was mortified when I apparently did that on the first and second day, it's with my girlfriend, and I started telling a story and she had to tell me that

I'd already told her that, and we'd only met once before. But are you still together with that girlfriend, Ian? Yes, I've told that I've done it maybe 10 times. Four years. Four years. Four years. It's a blueprint. For six years.

In more exciting news from America, NASA has had a huge success this week. By stealing a bit of an asteroid. It's a bit of a bit of the Bennu asteroid as it flew relatively close to Earth and has brought the samples back. I mean, this is very exciting news for fans of little bits of asteroid Josh. I mean, how has it been received on the streets of New York? Oh, this is huge. People are out on the streets. They're chipping up little bits of the sidewalk, holding them up, as mock asteroids.

Asteroid fever has swept New York City. This is a seven year mission that resulted in the biggest sample of an asteroid ever being removed from space. And I think that's so great, but I do think it was a huge missed opportunity to call this mission Apollo 13's 11. I think I'm worried about the scope of this honestly, because you've got to worry about

what you bring back when you go out into space, right? Because the professor from the National History Museum in London said that she was feeling quite emotional and tearful about this mission, which made me pause because of British professor feeling tearful. I'm like, oh no, she's for sure been replaced by an alien body double. But I do, I love, I like mean this so much. I love that we still let NASA solve like space problems. Like, there's so many people whose job is just like, how do we land a thing on a thing? And it's so complicated and they work so hard at it. And then they come back with this little piece of asteroid

and we, like America just reacts, like they just saw the coolest skateboard trick. Like it's so amazing that there's a department of our government employing the most qualified scientists and their mission statement is just like sick, bro. What does I mean? It is, you know, with the stories we've looked at today with regard to America, do sort

of sum up America as a nation, this kind of incredible scientific achievements and the most inane in the same politics that you could, you could devise. Strange place. Ian, were you excited by this asteroid? What else would you like to see holding from space? I was very nervous for them about they had to keep it sort of completely uncontaminated. So I was kind of worried that there'd be like a crack or something.

But I think it would be funny if when they looked at the sample and amongst the duster was like a half a like kind of bueno wrapper or something like that and they're just like, ah, forgot sick. Or the remnants of like of the Soviet space dog. Thank you. Well, do you know, I mean, this is like a real big undertaking to keep it and continue. You know how hard it is with those big astronaut gloves to roll the condom all the way over the astronaut.

I'm just worried that, you know, the asteroids, you have a parent who's going to be obviously seeing any any film like this. Yeah, it's going to be bigger and angrier. And it's going to come together on the other side. What was brought upon ourselves and that's like the dinosaurs all over again. It'd be horrible if an asteroid was coming towards Earth and you just looked up at it and everyone's like, does that say this is for my son? Well, that brings to the end of this week's Bugle. Thank you for listening. Thanks to Ian and Josh for joining us.

Ian, tell us about your Soho Theatre run of your very nearly triple award-winning show. Yeah, there's such a fine line between it, winning so many awards and absolutely nothing. Yeah, I'm on it so, from the second to the seventh of October at 915 in the very cool fancy downstairs Cabrera Vibrum. But yeah, I'd love you to come along. I think I shall consistently for 55 minutes. What more could you want, Elisha? Yeah, I am also going on to a, like a little sort of UK tour as well. So I'm coming to a number of places that I probably won't be able to remember, but things like

Manchester, Glasgow, you know, that sort of vibe. Yeah, okay. If you're in that place like Manchester, all glows go. I do go and see Ian's A and show Josh, what have you got coming up? I'm on the road a little bit. I've got all my tour dates. You can find in my weekly newsletter. That's marvelous. That's Josh Gondelman.substac.com or if you don't want to hear from me every week, just Josh Gondelman.substac.com or if you don't wanna hear from me every week, just JoshGondelman.com slash schedule. I am this weekend, depending on how fast they go back to work, I might do a couple dates opening for

a friend of me of the Bugle John Oliver and yeah, yeah, in Milwaukee and Bloomington, Indiana. And then the next weekend, I'm back out in that same part of the country in Cincinnati and Indianapolis, Indiana, on the Wait-wait-Don't-Tell-Me stand up to our, and then a few more scattered dates. Rhode Island next week without a palli. Pittsburgh coming up, hopefully some more dates soon,

or maybe in some point in the future, I will be employed again. So we'll see. Well, say hello to Joel. If you do those shows, I will for sure. You can hear me on the news quiz. Ian will be a pair. You're doing another one or two of the news quiz in this series I think. Yeah, I think at the end of the month, yeah. Well, end of October, yeah. Well, do tune in for that. That's available on BBC Sounds and eventually after a cooling off period on other podcast platforms. Don't forget that you can join the Bugle Voluntary subscription scheme.

We have a new offering for our Premium Ravall Voluntary subscribers. There will be a monthly Ask Andy Show. You can find me any questions that you want answered and I will answer some of those questions. The first one, we are going to record next week with questions submitted by the audience at the live show we did in London that was last week's bugle. But you will be able to submit your questions for Ask Andy as well via an email address. What's the email address, Chris? Hello, Bugle is at thenewgalpodcast.com.

All right, there we go. Maybe we should set up an Ask Andy at thebuglepodcast.com. All right, there we go. Maybe we should set up an AskAndy at theBugalPodcast.com. I don't want to make me do that. I want to. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'll turn it to Podge. I'll do a AskAndy in the subject line. Yeah, okay, that's a good idea.

But AskAndy in the subject line will find them better. So do join the Bugal voluntary subscription scheme to give a one off or a current contribution. Go to theBugalPodcast.com to help keep this show free, flourishing and independent. Until next week, goodbye. you