The Bugle - #COTI

Episode Date: March 20, 2021

Andy is #COTI (Crying On The Inside) with Nish Kumar and Hari Kondabolu, with a look at the Cold War, hate crimes in the US, protests in the UK, and, remarkably given how this sentence is going, jokes. We have a NEW SHOW. Subscribe to The Gargle and get topical jokes about everything except politicsBuy a loved one Bugle Merch (or some for yourself, it's allowed).The Last Post, keeps appearing here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanHari KondaboluNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner. Listen to Chris' Travel Hacker here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Next week's Bugle is a ticketed live show on Saturday,

the 27th of March 8 p.m. UK term. We will put out brief highlights as next week's Bugle late in the weekend. But if you want to see the full show by your tickets via the Bugle website, the Bugle Podcast.com or elsewhere on the internet if you have us access to any form of search or siege engine. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugles and welcome to this week's installment of Human Kind, the first billion years. We picked up a little bit late back in 2007, but I assure you we're here at the Bugle and

now in this for the long haul, I'm Andy Zoltzman, this is issue 4187 off the Bugle and if you're listening to this in the year 1243, then you'll know that the prediction I make next summer in issue 4258 about time travel being developed within the next 50 years will have proved eerily correct. I am any guesses? Yes, I'm in the shed of shallom. Once I have been greeting you for the past year now since lockdown deprived me of my weekly expedition into the outside world to see Chris. In 3D he's with us today and is now traditional 2D, I'm starting to

get worried if he'll find it hard to switch back to 3D after all he was in the olden times, considerably more 2D and less 3D than I was, so it might be that he was already sliding that way. Joining us from firstly, not very far north of here, or 24,858 miles, if you head south and stick with it, it's Nishkoomar! Hello Andrew, how are you? I'm well thanks, Nishkoomar, how are you? I'm good, interesting couple of weeks in Nishkoou Mark. I Having already lost one job due to having worked for the first app to die of coronavirus Quibbling. I have been summarily dismissed from my job at the British Broadcasting Corporation The BBC cancelled the mash report which is something that we found out a few weeks ago and they

We were sort of told that they just said run out of, and we were like, oh, fair enough. Unfortunately, last week, the sun ran a piece under the headline, which is actually my background on the Zoom call, Nish Bash Bar. Nish Bash Bar, which obviously not ideal, but I respect the pun game. But apparently, as source close to the director general, I said the show was cancelled as part of a war on Wunk. I did approach the BBC and asked them because, you know, the sun, it's not beyond the realms of possibility, the sun has been making it up. They've made up worse things. Maybe Google the Hillsborough disaster or use of the phrase gay plague in the 1980s. So it's very much the thin end of the wedge, but I did ask the BBC if they would clarify that this was a lie and so far we've not heard anything. So, you know, interesting times I was asked for a comment and I chose not to give one and maintain a dignified silence. I did however post on Twitter a steal from the show of something

we did a few years ago where we talked about the immediate soft treatment of Boris Johnson, which is a bit of a shame because due to things that he has done and said, we were able to refer to him as both a liar and a racist, even with the BBC's quite stringent laws about what you can and can't say. And I posted a still of me next to a sign that says Boris Johnson is a liar and a racist, and the Daily Mail said that it was neither big nor clever. And I would say I agree with you calling someone a Lyre and Arasist is neither big nor clever. However, if you post that picture on your Twitter feed as an official statement as part of an ongoing news story, knowing full well that that is going to be reprinted in newspapers that are very favourable towards the current Prime Minister. I would say that is both big and... LAUGHTER

Interesting times. Interesting times indeed. Also joining us. From Guadalupe Westliffe, it's the man who prophesied on this very show that he would become a father and just weeks later that prophecy came true. Starting to think he might have had some quite literally inside information from New York City. It's the daddy himself, Harry Condemolo. Hi Andy, hi Nish. Hi, Ding, Harry. Hey, Nish,

I've been meaning to ask you, are you sure you're you and not me? LAUGHTER Hurry, the lockdown is slowly morphing you and I into the same person. LAUGHTER I could not possibly have said that line. LAUGHTER I should explain for our listeners. This is a sort of beard long hair. It's a beard long hair combination.

Hurry and I both look like we've been in lockdown for, I'll say 25 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Since the cold war. Hurry's Zoom background is a palm tree and a beach which is really heightening the Tom Hanks pasta way vibe. Chris is also going to go on a bit, a bit elution in the mop. I'm dressed, don't I? Give me a break. I'd say it comparison to the three other people of this call. Chris is keeping it pretty organised. What is Andrew?

I've been working on my hair line. I've got an extra couple of inches back since lockdown began. back with since lockdown began. Yeah, it is it is a year. Well, unless you were saying just before we started recording a year ago this week, that's right. You and Tom Ballard, John, me on the first lockdown, lockdown, bugle, I mean, you know, looking back, would you say it's been a year of unceasing fun and frolics? Yes, I would, Andy, but only in the interests

of attempting to appear by impartial in order to get my job back at the BBC. I would say that it's been a year that of both full of fun and frolics and also bereft of fun and frolics. Balance, give me my job back, balance. Please give me my fucking job back. For balance, don't give me my job back, balance.

LAUGHTER You're handling this surprisingly well, Nish. And also not well, balance. LAUGHTER That's the perfect balance, isn't it? Happy on the outside, crying on the inside. It's what comedy's all about. I'd like, I think, can we get, can we either get

COTI to go alongside Loll, laugh out loud and cry on the inside, I think we need that as well. I don't know. Addicts, I mean, we've all been doing a lot of the last year. We are recording on Friday the 19th of March, special day for us here in Britain, of course. Recently rated Britain's joint most frequent day of the year in the second millennium by historians after an exhaustive analysis of all the days in that millennium. 29th of February did really badly again and the 3rd to the 13th of September dropped

down the rankings massively after the whole switching to the Gregorian calendar and missing out 11 days in 1752, she'll model the book, who's still refusing to pay out and that one could have been an inside job. On this day in 1649, the House of Commons of England passed an act abolishing the House of Lords, declaring it to be useless and dangerous to the people of England, which I think was a line in that daily mail article about your show, this was not a book. Actually, that was a review of my stand-up show, Andy. Please get it right. But who would have thought, Nisha House of Lords, useless and dangerous of the people of England in 1640 on? Who would have thought 370 years later, not only with the House of Lords, still be in existence, albeit after a brief hiatus after 1649, but that being useless and dangerous

of the people of England would have actually become very sound electoral strategy beloved of Prime Ministers. Today is world sleep day and to mark this great occasion, we are offering all bugle listeners a free, complimentary sleep of up to one hour to be taken at some point in the next two months. You may incorporate your Bugal bonus snooze within a regular night's sleep or tag it onto a cheeky afternoon kip. You may not split it into three 20 minute power snoozes and please do not activate your free snooze token whilst operating heavy machinery, boxing professionally, deep sea diving, or

closing in on the long overdue capture of the wanted international criminal. token whilst operating heavy machinery, boxing professionally, deep-sea diving or closing in on the long overdue capture of the wanted international criminal. As always, Sex Newly Bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, Bugle Census, now this Sunday, the 21st of March here in Britain is the decadely census is taking place where the government gets to snoop on who we are, how long we've been who we are, where we are, who we are, and what bits and bobs we keep, and all we'd like to keep in our underpants and things like what's deity, is lining up to look at us sternly as we pass them to the next realm with an unmistakable you, want to come in here, look on their face, and all faces.

So, very exciting times, the sensors once every 10 years. So we're doing a bugle sensors for you to fill in yourselves. So answer the questions in the gaps. There will be a low buzzing sound for you to answer over the top of like this. Good luck. Question one, bugleers. You've got multiple choices. What is your age? Is it age? Don't know. I've just been born. Is it B between 0 and 200 or is it C? I've forgotten I'm immortal. Next question. Do you currently, or have you ever previously listened to the bugle podcast? Answer in that gap. Are you currently listening to an episode of the bugle podcast? If you are not currently listening to the Bugle and have never listened to it, what would make you listen to it in the future? Have you ever listened to the Bugle whilst

drowning? Can you read, speak, write or understand any of the following languages, late-chromagnon, telepathic Norse, Welsh exo-canadian, dog, 8th century high-madagascan flemish, body of love or puns. Are you currently involved in a high-level covert government espionage operation against a foreign state, organisation or individual? If so, when, where and how is this operation taking place? It's got to be worth a putter, so they got wind of Burgess and McLean in 1951. Are you currently attempting a ritual sacrifice of an ox, oxen or one or more other animal offerings to one or more deities? Have you ever impersonated a chicken professionally or otherwise? And finally, beliefs, do you

believe that clouds are a made of water vapor, be probably a skate-mash potato, see proof that God is damp or de-gender fluid? So there you go, that's your bugle census. If you're not filling the bugle census by answering to yourself in those gaps provided, you can find yourself 1,000 pounds payable by yourself to yourself within 30 days, or if you fail to pay, you may then launch legal action

against yourself. That section in the bin. You couldn't do a census of bugle listeners. The actual census is filled with people writing things like Jedi and all sorts of stuff. You imagine the f***ing listenership of this show. Oh, there appear to be 10,000 people living in the continental United States called Florence Nightingale. Nish, don't bad, Mothers. This is the only show you haven't.

That was... yeah, that happened. Are you crying? Laughing. Are you crying or laughing? Bump, balancer. Bumps. Top of story this week. Well, this is the difficult one. Hate crimes. Hate crimes have been one of the surprise growth sectors of third millennium life, despite some fairly compelling evidence from the second millennium, though they're really not a very good idea and do not benefit team-human long-term. I mean, what we talk about learning the lessons of history,

this is a lesson history could not at all much more clearly. If history was indeed a teacher, it would have written hate crimes are a bad idea all over the blackboard in luminous, fire-at-ardant paint. Then blasted a flame-throw at the blackboard in luminous, fire-at-toddant paint. Then blasted a flame thrower at the blackboard until all that was left was those letters glowing out of the smoldering remnants of the classroom wall like a three-dimensional art installation reflection on humanity years 1,000 to 1999 or 1,000, 1 to 2,000 depending on how you swing when it comes

to the dates of Millenniums. That is how clear the lessons of history are, but over the past week or two, both Britain and the USA have been reeling once again in the aftermath of horrific crimes perpetrated by men against women. And we'll start in Atlanta, Georgia, eight people were killed, including six women of Asian descent at three spars in the Atlanta area. There was some disagreement hurry of whether the motivation of the killer was racism or misogyny or racism and a misogyny or racist misogyny or misogynist racism until those doubts were cleared up by a spokesperson for the Cherokee County Sheriff's Office who explained that the killer was just quotes pretty much fed up and having a really bad day. In terms of tone deaf idiotic things

to come out of Sheriff's offices, this has gotta be right up there, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, I remember that song from a few years ago, I don't believe the lyrics were, cause you had a bad day, you're taking eight down, you shoot a lot of people and you turn it around. I mean, I think it's as tone-deaf as that joke.

And, um, wow, they climp. And also, I mean, it's, it's more, it gives him an excuse. And they go further by saying that the killer told them that he had a sex addiction and he was trying to eliminate temptations, which would be these spasash, massage parlors, and the people that worked in them. Why do white cops always try to go through the mental state of white shooters? They never hurt them. They take them in peacefully. White murderers who kill minorities get treated really well by white cops because they have a lot in common.

Killing minorities The murder also apparently told police that he had a sex addiction and massage parlors were apparently told police that he had a sex addiction and massage parlors were temptations for him that he wanted to eliminate. First of all, he's lying. I've seen a picture of him and no one is having sex with that man. You can't be addicted to something you don't have. I am addicted to precious gems and mansions. precious gems and mansions. Secondly, sex addiction does not lead to you killing people. Where was that episode of California Cation with Hank Moody is so sick of having sex that he starts killing people. And he had a lot of sex on that show. It drove David DeCovny the actor into rehab for sex addiction. Why? Because that is method acting.

In the aftermath of this tragedy, the Congress hearing was brought forward, hearing into the Congress hearing was brought forward, hearing into the discrimination and violence against Asian Americans. The Subcommittee chair, the Democrats, Steve Cohen, began his statement saying that the Atlanta shooting felt, quote, like the inevitable culmination of a year in which there were nearly 3,800 reported incidents of anti-Asian hate. So do you think with hindsight, we can now start to think that it might not have been a good idea to have a president who encourages white supremacists and uses terms like the China virus. I mean, is that, it's easy to say with hindsight and indeed foresight. I mean, obviously there needs to be lots of studies done to see the effect,

but I think we can at least agree it did not help. It was not useful in stopping the hatred towards Asians. I mean in some ways guns and racism should probably be added to that as American as list that includes apple pie and baseball This is yeah, we have a whole of fame. Yeah, I'm that's gonna be us. God. That's gonna be that's gonna make tough Isn't it? Well, it's gonna be tough to get to the whole of fame for American racism. Wow. Oh, it's gonna be hard to Finally get a person of color in that hall of fame I guess that makes sense for it to be segregated, but... That's the only way they could do it. Finally!

Finally, some white Americans will end up in a hall of fame. At last! Listen, all I will say is, if white guys are murdering groups and people of color because of a bad day, whew, white guys have been having bad days for like 600 years. Oh my god, that is a hell of a streak. I mean, what was the Amrit's armassacre if not a spectacular case of the Mondays? I mean, sure, it happened on a Sunday, but that was in anticipation of the Mondays. Yeah, he's a Hall of Famer. General Dyer is a Hall of Famer. He makes the Hall of Fam.

Texas Republican Chip Roy spoke at the hearing and I don't know why they let him speak, but I guess they had to. And he said, you know, this was in response to people testifying to. And he said, you know, this was in response to people testifying about racism and hate crimes against Asians. He says, my concern with this hearing is that it seems to want to venture into the policing of rhetoric in a free society. That makes perfect sense. Why not just focus on the crimes themselves and not on the intent. You know, like we do with terrorism. You know how we don't prosecute terrorism? How there aren't special departments focused on terrorism? Okay.

Boy, there's 9-11 guys, we're having a hell of a bad day. He went off on a tangent then about his hatred of the Chinese Communist Party. Why? Because congressional hearings are the most effective way to get things done. Racism over in six hours. I just want to backtrack us for a second. The Cherokee County Sheriff's Office, I mean, first of all, they're called Cherokee County and they killed all the indigenous, so that's not a good sign. But yeah, not great.

Not great. And the department's mainly white but J Baker who was the Who was the captain? He's a captain. He's ranking Said he wasn't racist his colleague said it wasn't racist that he mispoke But unfortunately people check the internet and he was advertising shirts on his Facebook that said COVID-19 imported virus from China. Spelled CHY-NAH. So that didn't help.

Later the Cherokee County Sheriff Reynolds made it clear he said that race did not appear to be the motive. This dude just killed eight people, six Asian women at establishments run by Asians and said it was his attempt to stop temptation implying that he was attracted to Asian women who he killed. So why wasn't this racist? It's because the sheriff said quote during his interview he gave no indicators that this was racially motivated when asked specifically, the answer was, no, it was not racially motivated. Good thing they didn't ask them, hey, did you kill these people? Is he be free right now?

Did you kill these people? Because he'd be free right now. I don't know if you're using the term that didn't help. I feel that could be a segment on every American new show, every single day. Just that that didn't help for someone, somewhere in a position of authority who has said something idiotic. This whole story is like buying a tub of ice cream, not reading the label and it accidentally turns out to be sewage flavored.

Then you eat it anyway and after having eaten the entire tub, look at the bottom of the pot and realise that it's passed itself by date and you're about to have a case of volcanic diarrhea. It starts unbelievably bad and then just continues to get worse as it goes a lot. That's a beautiful image. Let's move on to some happier news now. Cold War 2 is officially underway. Now one of the really great things about COVID, and let's be honest, there are not too many

sentence that begin with those words, unless you are a member of a government that likes to clamp down on civil liberties under cover of pandemic aggravated news darkness. One of the great things about COVID is that it has given us a whole year now of not really thinking about major long-term issues of planet-worrying ominous importance.

But as the stumbling elongated beginning of the end of the crisis shuffles, I'm certainly interview and then back out of view and then slightly back interview, I'm going to head around the door then back out of view again, but it's hopefully still coming interview eventually. Other news is starting to get its headline grabbing Mojo back, and in times of trouble we often look to the past for reassurance. So this week it has been Cold War nostalgia time again and I mean we have Cold War nostalgia quite regularly and during Covid time after I've really missed it over the past year, I often found myself wistfully thinking back to time to time, don't even wistfully thought back to the Cold War. And this week while America has

been really busy loggerheading, is that a verb, anything can be verbbed these days, loggerheading with both Russia and China, as well of course as its oldest fiercest enemy itself. Now, which of these excites you most, Harry, is an American, the tensions with Russia, old-school Russian American standoffs, or the slightly newer, more modern tensions with China, what, so what's really getting you out of bed in the morning? standoffs or the slightly newer moral modern tensions with China. What's really getting you out of bed in the morning? Well, it's tricky. I will say there is something really special about the US Russia stuff, especially the

exchanges between Putin and Biden. Like, Biden said that Putin was a killer without a soul, and in response, Putin said, it takes one to no one. But then Biden responded, I'm rubber in your glue, so whatever you say bounces off me and sticks back to you. Classic. I'm pretty sure I ended up with both of them just saying your mum to each other. Yeah, that's great. Let's have it devolved. It might be a person who's offered to settle this by way of a conversation on a Zoom call. And let's be honest, regardless of where you're from, what you think about the world,

no one wants to see that zoom call. No one wants to see Joe Biden mashing the keys to try and struggle to get himself off of mute. And no one wants to see Vladimir Putin join completely naked and somehow act surprised. Oh, I didn't know the call was coming through! Oh dear, here's my fully erect penis! We know, Vladimir. We know you had to accept the Zoom call, click on the link and hit join with video. There were so many steps to prevent that from being an accident. Yeah, f***ing exhibitionist.

And he's looking at pictures of himself naked. He's just, he's got a big mirror and his laptop open at an angle in which we can see both him and his reflection. I mean, this is this is proper old school kind of tip for tattooed stuff Russia or the Kremlin as it's often described in news reports. I like to slightly take some of the authority out of it by referring it to it as Kremlin. It's my favorite cartoon a version of an overseas government. Kremlin the Kremlin recalled the Russian ambassador to Washington in a strategic counter-pave, Russia slammed Biden as senile and a world-class hypocrite. I don't know if that's a compliment,

is a world-class hypocrite? I mean, you're so good at hypocrite that people don't always notice it. Or I mean, you know, there's a step up on the kind of primary school level hypocrite that was Biden's predecessor. Andrei Turchak from the ruling United Russia Party described Biden's interview as, quote, a triumph of US political insanity. And that's a, that's quite a good review in a lot of ways, isn't it? That was another review of one of my stand-up shows. It was a confusing one. But it's interesting as well that they've gone for the, because there was a report this week that showed that Russia had interfered in the 2020 election to try to help out

the former social media influencer, Donald Trump, and Kremlin responded to these claims, not by debunking influencer, Donald Trump, and Kremi responded to these claims, not by debunking them, denying them, but just with a classic, your new president is an old culture line of attack, which just there might be a, might be some fire to go with all that smoke. They also wished him, Vladimir Putin also wished by good help, which is literally the last thing you ever want to hear from Vladimir Putin That's normally what he says before you know does the classic Putin shuffle by which I mean pops and Polonium in a sushi box If Putin told you after it didn't party get home safe you're dead

Your car's brakes were cut hours ago. Say hello to your wife and children when you get home to heaven because they are also already dead. The Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov apparently responding to Biden's interview said there hasn't been anything like this in history But what leaders slagger each other off in public. No, of course. There's never been anything like that Um in history. I mean How many of those a bit of a tradition of airbrushing things out of history in uh in the the higher echelons of Russian government I think that's fair to say. No doubt Old Trotsky would back me up on this one. But it's interesting that the airbrushing things out

of history is one of the things that is very difficult to airbrush out of history. But what do you say? Let's try and put a score on this in terms of nuclear likelihood. What what what chances are of the US Russia spat degenerating into a full out nuclear war of run the mass on this 7.4. I don't know what it's out of but anyway 7.4 sounds like quite a lot. A lot of these comments have also come at the same week as Putin attending a concert, which at the official purpose of which is to celebrate the re-unification of Crimea with Russia. Now, re-unification is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence. Crimea was re-unified with Russia. In much the same way as when I was mugged, the guy who mugged me was re-unified

between his hand and my wallet. It's a big old euphemism. Well that was seven years ago this week, the annexation of Crimea. We've had ten years of the Syrian civil war. I'm just a really chirpy anniversaries flying around at the moment. It's not been a fantastic century so far. It hasn't, Nation. No, but... It's been a 20-minute-day-dice election. You know, if we're only competing against the 20th century, we're still doing okay.

21 years in. Can you imagine that? 9-11 was just the opening act? It was just, you know, it was just starting us off. I didn't, and you would be like, oh, well, then that's the worst that could put. And then every year since, something else. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. And this year we've got a hundred ball cricket competition. Yeah, he's... Just like the interest of balance, this has been a fantastic century, please can I have my job back? LAUGHTER

Moving on to China, there were the first... High level meetings of American and Chinese official since Joe Biden took over. Secretary of State Anthony Blinken and National Security adviser Jake Sullivan met China's Yang J.C. and Foreign Minister Wang Yi in Alaska, which is an instinct choice of location for something that's already being talked up as the new Cold War, they're already going in for the visuals on that one. And it obviously ended up in public squabbling, shade throwing, insult for insult, zing for zing.

And I mean, it's, I don't know where you put this on the, the new likelihood scale. I was a 6.5, but it's a different scale to the Russian one. So I don't know if that's more or less. China not scoring many international human rights brownie points at the moment, America, of course, trying to reestablish its global leadership credentials

in the aftermath of the Trump regime. So I mean, this is not the most promising of diplomatic Tinder dates, is it? Yeah, I mean, it's Tinder in Sephora's. It could burst into flames, literally. Oh my god. Yeah, listen, it's very spicy. Say what you will about the Chinese Communist Party.

And you will end up in a work retreat in Xinjiang. Those guys are some spicy mother f**kers. And also, I really appreciate the fact that America is going, listen, you guys are really doing some bad stuff to your own people. I'm bad sad, Jam, okay? Stop ripping us off, China. We invented, we invented, pressing our own people. Oh, that's a big claim from America.

I really, stop, stop forget your roots, people. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And in this age of Cold War nostalgia, well, niche, it's been, well, it's been a great week in Britain because we are tuning up. God save the Queen. Oh, nuclear arsenal. It's much, much needed because estimates suggest that we've dropped down to only 185 nuclear warheads and the government has made it

an absolute priority to get our nuclear arsenal back well above the psychologically critical 200 warhead mark. I mean this surely is the most important thing for our government to be spending its money. I don't know, yeah, from Boris Johnson's point of view, what's the point of devoting yourself to a career in politics if you can't treat yourself to some pointless grandstanding spending on things that go bang? You know, he's earned that right, isn't he? Yeah, I mean, listen, coming a couple of weeks after there was a major budget announcement,

which included the fact that I think nurses are getting a pay increase in the form of handwritten IOU notes from Boris Johnson. I believe that, I think it's just gonna be handwritten IOU, from Boris Johnson. I believe that I think it's just going to be handwritten IOU some money commencing it to the fact that you've all been risking your life so the last day of the conventry of this f***ing pandemic. I think they might have misread the IOU of the I being a cock and the IOU being two balls. You know what, Andy, I'm actually looking at it closer and that it, that's my bad. That's my bad.

That was me misreporting what was happening. Boris Johnson, after a couple of weeks ago when Boris Johnson wrote a cock and balls on a piece of paper and threw it in some nurses, because that is essentially what he's done. Because he said we didn't have enough money. It's a slightly surprising announcement that this week the UK set to reverse plans to reduce the stockpile of nuclear weapons. So what they're doing is announcing the overall cap was due to drop to 180 under previous plans

of 2010. That overall cap, so the most nuclear warheads we could possibly have, will now increase to 260. And look, the government has taken a look at Britain, a country ravaged by the pandemic, where over 120,000 people have died, and standing on the precipice of economic armageddon once the furlough scheme ends that's been subsidising people's wages who might have otherwise lost their job. They've looked to that and thought, you know what we need?

Newcs. They've looked to that and just thought, you know what we need? We need to tool up to fight some sort of imaginative... Listen, the only goddamn thing the government should be doing with nuclear anything is doing some experiments so that we can all get, and this is a direct quote, at minimum, X-Men levels of superpowers. That's anything.

That's anything. That the government should be. That's from a nuclear recommendation panel written by a believe it's end coma. Should be experimenting to get, we should be aiming towards Professor Hulk level powers. That's from the run in the comics where the Hulk managed to combine the brains of Bruce Vanne with the powers of the incredible Hulk. That should be the ultimate goal of British society.

But at minimum, we should be getting Jubilee level powers who's the person from the X-Men who can just basically launch a minor fireworks display from her hands. Of course. That's what we should be getting. And you'd think this government should know that after a Michael Gover is bitten by a radioactive cockroach as a child. That explains his career ever since. Um...

Well, I don't think I've ever heard a joke where I've come out on the side of the cockroaches. LAUGHTER I'm actually like, that's harsh on cockroaches, Andy. I've seen some of them and they are definitely sexier than Michael Gove. Yeah, in terms of, you know, this spunding, spunding, spunding, spunding. Spunding. So my South African roots come here, but I'm spunding. Going on.

Well, the nurses, I'm not so fuss about the nurses because who needs money when you get to wear really cool full body PPE every day, lucky bastards. But, you know, you look at underfunding of police, schools, local council, social care, mental health services, libraries and youth clubs closing by the hand, I mean, this bit could go on for a f*** of a long time. Yeah, yeah. But all the things we could be spending money on, just think about your favourite crucial public service, and just assume it's grotesquely underfunded. But all that can wait. Because we need those news. Now, what really annoys me about this is, you know, I wouldn't mind this if we ever actually fucking use them. I want some literal bang for

my tax buck. At least with other forms of public spending, you can see benefits like your children being out of the house for eight hours a day, five days a week that justifies for my tax but, at least with other forms of public spending, you can see benefits like your children being out of the house for eight hours a day, five days a week, that justifies the education budget or your car being on a bridge instead of in the Thames. You can see that money is benefiting your life, but nukes, we don't even get a fucking parade in this country.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, obviously, I mean, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,aterally. So obviously people don't take us seriously as a global force until we can wipe out all

known life. So in America, I mean is it discussed in America whether it's 6000 is enough or not enough or too much? Well, we have 6000 because in America the men have very small penises. And as a result, you need to, and then right after that's the UK. India only 150, just saying, Pakistan 160. Hello. Oh, that is, that is worrying. And also, I mean, because, I mean, those,

those are the, when you look at where the nuclear weapons are in the world, those numbers really, really stand out, because those are in the world, those numbers really stand out because those are 150 and 160 right next to each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And facing each other in fact. Yes. India thought that Pakistan's current prime minister Imran Khan was dangerous enough when as a cricketer he destroyed them in the 1983 test series, one of the greatest displays

of bowling in the history of cricket, as well as contributing some big runs with the bat. But now that he's got 160 nukes, he's arguably even more of a threat. I genuinely can't believe it isn't mentioned every week on this podcast that I've run card, is the privateist of Pakistan. I've just mentioned quite a lot, I think.

Because I just mean it's the true union of all of your interests, Andrew. It's the true union. Cricket, politics, and food from the subcontinent, which we get intangentily just by talking about Indy-Rudhbharkas and that. And of course, Iman, Iman's political career was significantly boosted by the fact that he led Pakistan to the World Cup of cricket in 1992.

It gave him this incredible, I mean, he was already a cricketing hero, but I Pakistan to the World Cup of cricket in 1992. He gave him this incredible, I mean, he was already a cricketing hero, but I think winning the World Cup was a real moment in terms of making him, you know, a political force. And yet in that World Cup final, couple of unpowering decisions really went against England, in particular, it was Derek Pringle to Java, me and dad. And if those had gone the other way, then Derek Pringle would be Prime Minister of England. And I think we would all take it. As it currently stands, I would happily take that. The

The protest news now and Nish, you are protesting in Britain correspondent. And aside from chaining yourself to the railings at the BBC this week, there's been some exciting news in terms of the government clamping down on protest. Yeah, that's right. A new bill entitled the Police Crime Sentencing and Courts Bill, which as a combination of words it just suggests it's no fun whatsoever. Has passed its first reading in the House of Commons. Now this bill is like a biopic of Joa Laundehuru called Joa Laal as starring Rob Schneider covered in boot polish and giving it a full head wobble. In that absolutely nothing about it looks good. LAUGHTER

Absolutely nothing about this looks good in any way whatsoever, because the bill gives the home secretary, pretty fatale, the powers to create laws without part of entry approval to define serious disruption to communities and organisations, which police can then use to impose severe restrictions on protest. And also, senior officers are going to be able to impose noise limits on protest, and it

gives them powers to intervene when the noise is disrupting the activities of an organisation or has a relevant impact on persons in the industry. Now, call me an old school square, but the whole point of a protest is to disrupt the activities of the organisation and the relevant persons in the vicinity. I think we can all agree, Martin Luther King would have had a lot less impact if he turned up to make the I have a dream speech without a sound system, and instead had just written the whole thing down on a piece of paper and asked people to hand it round and silently read it to themselves. Or play it like a game of telephone and just have people whisper it to each other and eventually you have a guy who got their late standing right at the back, say, I grab a scream! What's this going on?!

Now, here's the thing about Pretty Patel, aside from, and I believe I've said this before on the podcast, being every Asian kids least favorite aren't. The kind of aren't who for Christmas gives you a clip around the year. Pretty Patel being in charge of a protest bill is a bad combination of personal responsibility. She described the extinction rebellion protesters as so-called eco-cruse-aders turned criminals and called the Black Lives Matter protests last year dreadful. Having her drafting protest legislation is like having animal rights legislation drafted by Ronald McDonald and the hamburgerler.

She has a vested interest in these laws being absolute dog shit. And the news in relation to Pretty Patel has been getting worse within the last hour because part of the reason the protest bill is so much at the forefront of the national conversation at the moment aside from the fact that it's fucking draconian beyond belief is that there's been a serious conversation happening about the way we protest in this country after a vigil that happened in Clapham Common last week, after the murder of Sarah Everard.

Now Sarah Everard was brutally murdered and the person who has been accused of her murder so far is a police officer. Now obviously under those circumstances, what you don't want to have happen is if there is going to be a vigil, have the police, turn up and behave like, and this is a direct quote from me, a bunch of fucking godless a cab right now but also the interests of balance s cab some cops are bastards please can have my job back so obviously the police handling of that protest there have been serious questions because the police used unnecessary amount of force there were a lot of protesters being man The police handling of that protest, there have been serious questions because the police used

unnecessary amount of force, there were a lot of protesters being manhandled on camera. And the last thing you want in a situation where women have turned up to protest about the treatment of women potentially by a police officer in this specific case is to have police officers mystery women. But on the positive side, it does so far, seem as though the bill's passage has stalled. So it's not clear what's going to happen next with the bill, but after having passed its first reading where it was voted through the House of Commons, it now is supposed to go into a committee stage, but there are a lot of rumours coming out this week that the bill is actually going to be delayed until the autumn. Now, if that is the case, it is almost certainly the result of a string of direct actions and protests undertaken this week by, led by amongst other sisters uncut,

who are a brilliant feminist campaigning group that have done a lot of incredible work in the last 10 years. The very fact that this bill is stalled is proof that protest- ...king works. It is a very heartening example of what mass dissent can still continue to achieve. And to pretty but tell all I will say is this, go f**k yourself, you f**king piece of shit. I think... But in the interests of balance, oh, you know what? F**k it. She's an asshole.

Johnson's a liar and a racist. F*** the lot of them. This entire government is a pack of f***s. I don't even want my job back. That whole section I was thinking about a Nehru bubble head doll and how funny that would be. The visual niche was so enjoyable. Listen, if the man who brought the world

to use Bigelow, male to Bigelow, cannot be trusted to deliver a performance as Joe Alon de Heru. Then I don't believe the art of cinema has anything to offer in the 21st century. That is all for this week's Bueglet. Nish, you have some albums out? Yes, I have something to promote and it is two comedy albums by me that were released

today Friday the 19th of March as we record. They are called It's In Your Nature to Destroy Yourselves, part one and It's In Your Nature to to destroy yourselves, part two. And they are the live recordings of the shows that I did in 2016 and 2019. So please go and listen to them because I, as discussed, have lost several jobs. I am quite literally hemorrhaging jobs right now. So any assistance you can provide by buying or listening to the albums is greatly appreciated. They are, let me tell you, not balanced. Let me give you a spoiler right now. That is not balanced comedy in any sense. It's a political or emotional. is imbalanced Hori, any shows to plug? I still have my podcast with W. Commaubell every week it's called

Politically Reactive. Also I also encourage you to purchase Nish's albums. Of course his older stuff is also available they're called Waiting for 2042 and Mainstream American Comic. It's from an earlier era of his career so feel free to support Nish as much as waiting for 2042 and mainstream American comic. It's from an earlier era of his career, so feel free to support him as much as you can. Ha ha ha. Thank you for listening, Bugles. We will play you out with some lies

about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them or to make a one up or a carrying contribution of any size to the Bugle Voluntary's Prescription scheme. Go to buglepodcast.com and click the Donate button. Steve Roach wonders how the legendary Japanese painter Hoku Sai famous for his The Great Wave of Kanagawa picture but sadly dead now as he has been indeed continuously since 1849 would have gone on with modern-day surfers. I like to think there would have been mutual respect, speculate Steve, but also mutual confusion. Why would you paint it when you can ride it, they would

say? On the subject of the sea, Ailan Ezekiel thinks the renowned Salt Obsessed 70% of the earth covering water mass is a bit overrated compared to land from a visual perspective at least. Ailan has particular scorn for the parrotfish. Most fish seem to copy each other to a large extent anyway with all due respect, so why the parrot fish gets that label specifically? I just don't know. I'd call them sheepfish instead,

the unoriginal pelagic plagiarists. Richard Moll is suspicious of any organization that claims to have headquarters. It always makes me wonder what on earth they're doing in the other 75% of their facilities, notes Richard. They're up to no good, I reckon. Besides, headquarters, who are they trying to kid?

Chances are they account for way less than 25% of their total buildings in land, probably a tax thing, concludes Richard angrily. The most heart-rending interview Rob Wilson ever read was with Deepmark Schleidengrubber, the European and World Anticipation Champion, who took no join his victories because, as he himself said, he basically knew it was going to happen, and the moment of victory was always going to be less good than the buildup anyway. Imagine being that good at your chosen sphere of excellence, LeMence Rob, but inevitably getting so little enjoyment from it. And finally Richard Postil thinks the world is not very good at dealing with dilemmas.

As a whole, we need more practice at resolving difficult, unappealing matters, so we need more dilemmas to learn from, says Richard, but I'm really not sure whether having more dilemmas is better or worse than remaining bad at dealing with dilemmas, but having fewer of them to deal with. I'm really not sure. Oh, this is a tough one. Here and if, this week's lies. Goodbye. one. Here and if, this week's lies. Goodbye!