The Bugle - Democratic convention special

Episode Date: August 31, 2008

The 43rd ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers and welcome to a very special issue number 43 of the Bughal for the week beginning Monday 1st of September 2008. With me and his ultimate back in civilization having returned from Scotland back in London and in Denver, Colorado, Mr. John Oliver. Hello, Beagleers. Hello, Andy. I am in Denver, the moral high city, and I am in bed. I'm not going to write here. I have physically in bed. Things to do in Denver when you're in bed. What do the Beagleers do? I think this is interesting, Andy, this will be the people that it's highest ever altitude.

That's interesting, what effect that could have on the... That's right, I think. The air is extremely thin, I always think these punch lines could soar, but it's hard to say without which I've had an average of around three hours late each day this week. So my head feels slightly straight,

I'm not sure if it's the altitude, or what I've been doing to my body over the last seven days. Right. Well, you've been getting absolutely hammered with the Democrats. That's right. Oh, that's right. And they're so happy to have us here, Andy.

You know, it's been non-stop wine evenings. So, John is on the phone from his bed in Denver. So, if I go quiet for the phone from his bed in Denver. So if I go quiet for a moment or might have just those off at you, you'll have to just blast a hunter or something. Well, I feel like a chambermate comes in the cells getting frisky. I'll just be able to look. I suppose it's not, it isn't impossible,

but we will be in the last few months. But if someone wants to turn my bed down, do that. You know what we do with a bed? Do you turn it down? I don't know, John, it depends how attractive the bed is. Good boom. And that one has sawned off into the dead guy. Well, that was delivered from sea level in London. So I think it was more the setup hit me faster,

because it was coming through altitude. But the problem is any long jokes, stamina is a big problem. We go back to the Mexico Olympics, a lot of quick times in the sprints, but very slow times in the distance races. It could be the same with the Bugle. Anyway, this is a democratic convention special of the Bugle. Also, as I said, it is the week beginning Monday, the 1st of September September thus becomes John the last month in history to host an edition of the bugle October really kicked things off when was it last October I think since when all the other months have got in on the act one by one And now finally September clearly a real tin of a month has broken its bugle up

Well done September nice to have you on board prick earlier real tin of a month has broken its bugle up. Well done, September, nice to have you on board. Prick. And as always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin. In this week's Democratic Convention Special, we have some commemorative Democratic Convention sound effects going in the bin, including the cheer, the cheer, the cheer, the round of applause, and the cheer. Also an exclusive supplement on what other celebrities would

have said if they had been Barrake Obama, including swimming star Michael Phelps, I think he would have suggested John that America should swim faster. A 80s pop star at Debbie Gibson, I think she'd have gone very much along with similar lines to Barrake Obama, but perhaps suggested intimately that America should shake its love of something. Stone Cold Steve Austin, he'd have just suggested wrestling stuff. And science ace Isaac Newton, who sadly died in 1727, so couldn't be at the convention. But I think he probably would have gone on about gravity and motion and prisms and shit like that,

and how rival scientist Hook was a tosser. And now he gets genuinely upset when people call him Applehead. Not the most American of gentlemen, I think you know and he was a British is a not John British has a not. At top story this week and it is the Democrats volcano of democracy which has been erupting over four days this week and Albania the whole time and the and let me tell you the convention center itself looks like what would happen if you got a six-year-old to design their own birthday party. Ha-ha-ha.

I want a million balloons and TV screens all up the wall onto the ceiling, I want doughnuts, thousands upon thousands of doughnuts. Well, they good doughnuts, you're not the key. They want many doughnuts, and they say it depends really whether it sizes important for you with your donut. Well it is important for the small donut in higher quantities. Well I don't like donuts, so I like the small donut in small quantities, so I don't

think I can play for me really. Always find that strange that you are a big donut fan, Andy. Why is that strange? It was such an innovative snack to donut. I'll hitler like donuts. I'll stop. Really? Is that the only food stuff that you know the Hitler is your horse? Yeah, it's all the eight.

That's why he was so short. He can get all the vitamins he needed when he was growing up. Yeah, it's all the eight donuts. I would think after he's actually showed that man was over sugar to the world. In many ways, too much short burn energy. Maybe Germany would have been a different country in the 30s. If he had avoided the chocolate D. Anyway, back to the convention, John.

Yeah. Must have been quite an amazing thing to see. It was, it was actually on the floor of the Obama speech amongst the delegates, which was a place that somehow I had the credentials to be. And yet, I think all around me would have agreed that there was a problem with the issue of those credentials. It was quite a strange feeling being at a moment of genuine American history with the sole intention of finding a way to undermine it.

It really was like being a Gettysburg and taking a woopy cushion with you. At one point during the week, our family are so physically running after Jimmy Carter, trying to think of something ridiculous to say to him if i could cut him off before he got behind a cinnamon sticks and and uh... that sticks with an ex and it was almost out of the body experience or at all to live in president of the

united states getting ready to say something reprehensible did you catch him i did catch him actually do i did catch him i was was a thing. I was ready to go. The cameraman's battery went down. So that's quite an awkward social situation, isn't it? When you chatted down a former president, and he got nothing to say. It was, I mean, he was working out me very much with who the f*** are you in his eyes? And what are you standing in my whole heart?

But yet so sadly Jimmy Carter and I only got to endure an awkward silence rather than an awkward conversation. So what did you, what did you do to break that silence? I think I said sorry Mr. President, the camera back he used to have gone down He didn't seem disappointed with that as I was right And so he simply continued on Into the arena Where he fought a bear bear and it that's right. That was what he was therefore it was a calf inverted the bear. It was the 3 p.m. So He'd done a lot of speeches in time Andy now he just likes to do bear fighting. The real Jimmy Carter at last. That's what so he just did 20 minutes of that

did pretty well. Now what did you think of the stage at the the stadium speech the supposed barracopolis as it was described by Republicans? It was a natural phenomenon, Andy. Ten columns rose overnight. Out of the stadiums floor, no one knows how they got there. No one knows when they're leaving. But it is one of the great natural phenomena of life. Ten Greek columns standing there. I mean, it was, he tried the very arrogant matter. Pretty much just say, omz Zeus. This is Mount Olympus.

Look on my democracy, ye mighty, I'm just there. Well, that, of course, is how Stonehenge began. It was a political rally in the early 19th century. Or it's just a druid. Yes, we can. Yes, we can what druid. Yes, we can what? Yes, we can do spells.

But I heard that the Democrats actually toned it down a bit from their original plans. Because in rehearsal, I heard that Barrako Balma came out carried by Persian slaves in a tunic, sacrificed a bull and invoked the vengeance of Zeus in his feed with Fude with John McCain before declaring war on Sparta, stripping naked and wrestling a teenage boy to get a full Greek analogy going. You never know, I think that might have won over some of the undecided.

I think it might have been a mistake just to go with words with the end. Now you can dress it up how you like it, still words coming out of a man's mouth. Yeah, stripping naked and wrestling a boy. You know it's quite a momentous speech. What did you make of it? I mean, yeah, I was there, but I was also working. And was, so I heard very little of it until I actually got back at night. We had seen pretty impressive.

What did you find? Well, personally, John, I wanted a bit more policy detail. I was hoping... Well, I'm sure it would be 70,000 cows would have agreed with that. Well, I think, John these 70,000 cows would have agreed with that. Well, I think, John, you know, it was basically showboating. You had a crowd of people already on this side there. It was a very safe speech.

You know, we all knew it was going to get a standing ovation. If we've been really brave, he'd have done a six hour ramble through the technical and financial details of the legislation he's planning. Let's see if he can hold a crowd when he's reading out footnotes and describing graphs. That is a real test of his rhetorical skills, John. There was a demand that he do some more policy detail, whipping around the crowd with a Mexican way. And it all seemed a bit scriptured as well. You know, be nice if he'd rift a bit. You know, a bit of

banter with the crowd. You know, just get the front row. You watch your name. Where'd you come from? Disappointing. It all so impostered around the front. They've all literally got little sticks, saying, I don't know, Arkansas. So that kind of indicates your ability to do crowd work. Right, but surely Idaho, that's, I mean, that's, you know, Idaho, there's an easy,

kind of deliberate misunderstanding of the word Idaho. They could have got a bit blue with that, surely, out of one of the crowd, out of it. Wouldn't it not be more interesting for these conventions? Because they're all a bit kind of happy, isn't it? It'd be more interesting if the presidential candidates had to give their speeches at their opponents' convention. That would be more of a test out of a tougher crowd. And now I think we just see what they're really made of.

That is a fantastic idea, Andy. That really will be going boot onto the stage. Yeah, I'll see how good it is. and that really will be going boot onto the stage. Yeah, and we'll see how good he is. Because then he really would want to get the biggest possible plate as well. McCain will be speaking in front of 55 million people on top of a mountain. John, one of the best speeches from my money came from Cheryl Crow, the Democratic Party spokesperson lady for Country Rock, which I think it does look like Cheryl Crow setting herself up for

a tilt at being president in 2016. I'd vote for her, you know, they thought we're American and had a guitar, but obviously it's slightly disappointed. He was a woman singing, a change will do you good, which was a touch of hypocrisy as she blasted out 1997 hit Thousand time is the fact that every day is a winding road Is this the official Obama line now John or was this a bit off message from the nine-time Grammy award winner? You know, that's what I want to know just seems to be slightly running against the tide Also she the unlikely don't think it represents the other country rocks.

It's very much a dictatorship. There was some very interesting ideas in Obama's speech, John. He seems to be in favour of a better economy, a better health care and better education for America. He's also a good idea, John. How come no one in American politics has suggested these things before? Well, it is a bold new strategy, but you know, a machine needs a very different candidate, so do we for very soon actually, when he'll be very much going the other way?

He's got to self-right himself from a barmer now. Yeah. So the Republican Convention really will be about killing everybody. Yes, there's a place you can hear me say, because of people I thought a volume with a machine going with our loading into the crowd. Well, is it a basically me and the figures of people have thought of volume with a machine going down loading into the crowd. Well, it's a little more than that of a difference from the Democrats.

Exactly. What's all about? Now, as a neutral spectator, John, of the convention, and by a neutral, I mean nonexistent, given that I spent most of last week in the west coast of Scotland, where they only use their interest in is whether the beer and whiskey has arrived. Um, everything else is a very, very small footnote. So I've got quite a hard to catch up. Keep up with the exciting back slapping

and hooting of the convention. I did try to stay out for a ball in the speech, but unfortunately it was on about 3.30 in the morning. I fell asleep about half an hour before he came on. But I did, I don't remember thinking of 80,000 people in the stadium getting really overexcited. You want to can you keep that momentum going? Because I remember leaving an occasion like that, thinking that, you know, in England, coming to the next general election, I just walked out of a stadium with 80,000 people shattering and screaming. I remember thinking there was no way come the next election that

the England rugby team won't win it. But since their victory over Ireland and March they've really failed to build on that popular support and will Obama make the same mistakes? Well I don't know and I mean Obama's young and like the England rugby team were of course quite an ageing group. He's also very much about new ideas rather than reactionary defensive maneuvering. Also Obama's pledge to end American depends on Middle East oil within 10 years. This is quite an exciting pledge John. I guess we've got to give credit to George W. Bush for this. Because if he hadn't spent so much of his eight years in charge proving how dangerous it is to be dependent on Middle East oil,

Obama wouldn't have said that, so really that is very much a bush policy. That's right, it's more of a sign, Andy. Four more years. Four more years. So after the excitement of Denver, John, you're now off to St Paul. That's right, I'm leaving for St Paul, Minnesota. Now we'll be for the RNC, the Republic of National Convention. And I'm feeling nauseous, almost saying those words. It could be the altitude, but I think it's just a press in state of what it's actually going to be like. I don't be all ever have seen so many pro-life people inside a single building before. It's going to be so celebratory of life and the atmosphere there. It'll be incredible.

They just love life. That's not a crime they love life they also appear to love shooting that life with the games they also love they just too much love as the only thing they're guilty of having too much love for things but the big news amongst the Republicans is the announcement of Sarah Paling at John McCain's running mate. He announced that his running mate will be 44-year-old Sarah Paling, the governor of Alaska for the last 18 months and self-styled Hockey Mom,

whom he has met only once. And the instant reaction to this from most of the American media was variations upon the sentiment what the most people have instantly thought this was mcain executing one of his hilarious practical jobs and that he would in a matter of second on vile someone else but no sera paylin

is the republican nominate for voice president so let me give you a little information about our andy she's about as right when you can get without having paintings with yourself on the side of tanks. She is pro-choice, pro-creationism in schools, a member of the NRA, and does not believe that global warming is man-made. And this is the person who would be one half a tackle away from big leader of the free world. She doesn't have a lot of experience, which is strange for a campaign, which so far has been run almost solely upon that issue. Now, on the one hand, she is governor, which is a very impressive position.

But on the other hand, it is Alaska, which has a population of around 670,000 people in total, so they're actually more salmon than people. She's definitely qualified to be queen of all salmon. And I believe she can only hold that position, which is elected every eight years. As you know, she's a big fan of guns, and I guess that comes from living in Alaska. Well, you know, it's kill or be killed, John. If you don't shoot the moose the moose is gonna shoot you Exactly there are so many moose Just wander around Butting things ready to whip out an AK-47. They've got to defend themselves

It's it's we're up there. They've actually involved guns coming out of their hooves and horns. They had to survive But I guess the key thing about Sarah P Palin is she's a woman and therefore pretty old women now will vote Republican because of course they will for having ovaries because there were no ovaries on the democratic ticket only testicles and now there are ovaries on the Republican ticket and that lasts people with ovaries have someone who they can relate to it is amazing that the first time the Republicans have a voice president, you'll have candidate who's a woman and the fact they're doing this in a manner which is almost sexist.

They're money to make this glass ceiling gesture, almost offensive and well done to them. I'm also sure that when she was giving her speech, when she was unveiled as the running mate, I'm pretty sure that John McCain from over her shoulder had a quick peek down at her and say, call the targ, shall we say. Pretty sure, look it up on YouTube. I think I won't do that. Well, women clearly are key voting group,

but Paine and Appeals are more than women. She was once Miss Whasilla in Alaska. Is that how it's pronounced? Whasilla. Whasilla, I think so, yeah. So she appeals to both beauty pageant contestants and stalkers, the latter being a key voter group in Delaware. She also apparently wants thoughts about buying a pill pinball machine so she should also appeal to pinball fans

who are currently getting nothing from the Obama Biden ticket. And she also has the same surname as Monty Python star, Michael Paling. So she should appeal to US-based Python fans because no one on the Democratic team, John, has the same surname as a Python member. Although, I guess since both Joe Biden and Barack Obama

are male and Biden is quite old and Obama is not Jewish, they could claim collectively to be Greyhound Chapman. So it might not be such an advantage as people think. Yowza. Why's it got a competition for Miss Wacelalo? I'm getting really just sealed and famished in bikinis. That's mermaid, doesn't it? Oh, that's right, that's mermaid.

What I found most impressive about Sarah Palin, that she's got a sun-called track. Really? Yeah, she's got a sun-called track. No, good, good for her. But she's got quite a lot of kids, so I guess at that point, she was probably running out of names. I do the just, maybe, maybe the children of the thing, she was looking at.

Yeah, it isn't, a couple of people have mentioned this, actually, that she's pro-life, but also, she's the mother of five things she was looking at yet it isn't i was a couple of people mention this issue that she is she's she's pro-life but also she's the mother of five who is now trying to become vice-president of the most powerful nation the world presumably meaning that having brought all these children to the world she's now going to farm them out to an opair well she has one of the toughest jobs in the world all right well she she had said

uh... there was a clip of's just immersive, saying a few months ago when she was mentioned in connection with Vice Presidency. Well, I don't know. I mean, someone is going to have to explain to me what a Vice President actually does. So, I don't know if someone in the intervening time has explained that to her, or if that is an awkward conversation which still needs to take place. Because I don't think the prime responsibility of the vice president is raising your five children. But let's not forget, John. Her husband is the four-time winner of the Iron Dog snowmobile race.

And then... No way. I don't believe that it's true. I don't believe that there's ever been a four-time winner of the Iron Dog snowmobile race who's been married to a vice president. Does that make it actually have to be run with Iron Dogs as well? Well I think that's what they call the snowmobiles. Alright I see. But you know, Iron Dog, I mean I'd have that out of the nickname, if I was a wrestler and the Iron Dog Zoltzman. So next week, John will be live from a bed in

St. Paul. Hopefully sounding slightly less sleepy than this week. It is about 18 in the morning. Yeah, it is that. It is that. It doesn't sound as bad until you factor in what I've done to myself over the last seven days. You didn't have to go all to all of those gentlemen's clubs, John. I didn't have to, not, but it was my democratic right too. And I've tried to exercise every democratic right I have whilst being here.

So John will be live from St Paul next week. Also we'll be giving you a self-diagnosis kit to find out whether you are a Republican and will also the following week be offering you the cure. you are a Republican and will also the following week be offering you the cure. Now a special sports section about sports at the Democratic Convention and the Denver Broncos turned off a preseason training at Invesco Field, but despite prolonged arguments with the Democrats, they were unable to run through their preseason drills. However, a compromise was reached and a linebacker,er DJ Williams gave a rousing 10 minutes beats to the convention about how important

reform of health insurance is. That's a fact. And in Democrat boxing, Joe Biden, son, bow-biden beat Chelsea Clinton with a final round knockouts after 12 rounds of quite brutal brawling reminiscence of phrasey versus Arley. But more so. And finally, baseball and baseball statistician

Scruton-El Paul Ggavia from Cooper's town, has calculated that in terms of rounds of applause received, if Barack Obama had been a baseball player rather than the politician, he would have hit 34 for 34 with 25 home runs in his speech on Thursday. What a player. Your emails now and due to John's Convention commitments, we are postponing the WICI PEDIA update for two weeks to a special edition in two weeks time, the 15th of September,

Bugle, when I will be on holiday and we will give you a full update of the WICI PEDIA and all the various offshoots that you listen us have set up. So thanks for that. In the meantime, we have one email about the conventions, and it's from SW in Washington, D.C. No first or surname given there. That's a bit shady. Anyway, it's on the subject of Democratic ticket poetry. And SW, possibly male, possibly female rights. Dear John and Andy, as the news came out last Friday that Obama's running mate was to be Joseph Biden, I like many other Americans, and indeed many other earthlings found myself

stuck on the assinments of the new Democratic ticket name, Obama Biden. I couldn't figure out why the two names together sounded so pleasing until I realised that read out loud they form exactly one half of an IAMIC pentameter line. What an opportunity! Unfortunately, SW continues, I'm a totally crap poet myself. You are therefore in harmony with 99.99% of the US population. That's good. Especially teenagers. And I haven't gotten anywhere past one complete I amic pentameter line, which goes as follows, Obama, Biden, Banners raised a loft,

and then I fell off. That says SW, I wanted to add something like, Oh, a Denver's mountain sky, but I couldn't complete the line. Plus that's two hokey contractions I'd rather not claim authorship of. This just isn't my game. I thought since you two are accomplished poets, steady. Specialising in an I amic pentameter, a fact I found by searching, the Bugle Wickey, which I just edited. Oh well done. As it creates your own facts, we can create a brighter future. Perhaps you can help us museless folks by composing a sonnet or two, starting with the five syllables, a barmer Biden,

or if you want to hide your talents, ask your other listeners to come up with some. McCain is also fortunately, and I am, perhaps he can compete politically if he picks someone with an amphibrakic name. Unfortunately, the only amphibrak I can think of in current American politics is Barbara Mikulski, Senator from Maryland and she's a Democrat. Yours in prosody, SW from Washington, DC. Well that is certainly the most technical poetry-based email we have ever received at the bugle, and we'll find a week to receive it in and the week of a democratic convention when language has soared to new heights. Well, feel free to take up that challenge, bugleess, and get your eye on me, and... Not enough poetry in convention speeches, John.

I was hoping that Hillary Clinton would come out with some limits during her speech, but I guess once she'd put on that bright orange suit everything else was pretty much irrelevant. We then must be a delegate from Nantucket. It just seems like a huge waste of opportunity. So do email your poetic convention-based contributions to the Bugle at TimesOnline.co.uk And there'll be more Convention emails next week. So that is pretty much it for this special Democratic Conventionist edition of the Bugle.

Just time for our Bugle forecasts. John, the forecast this week is on what kind of temple is John McCain going to appear in front of Instant Ball? Well, that's an interesting one. I'm gonna go with Aztec Temple and I think it's gonna be a mound of bricks in a dense jungle undergrowth. And there is going to be an effigy of his face drawn to the top of it and the eyes will be all fired. the top of it and the eyes will be on fire. Right, I think he might actually just emerge from a pyramid, mummified. And then he won't get, which you know, might of course be heightening fears about his age. But he can then get his, he can then get Sarah Payton to just unwrap him gradually.

And then once the vanishes are off, dress like a young toot and calm in a lone cloth and a big beard, he can be given his feet. The other four cops this week John, at the end of Obama's speech, he said God bless America. Now, do you think God will bless America? And if so, how? Of course, and he God has and will continue to bless America. And he's done it.

Ever since America was born by ripping it from the hands of the Native Americans, who God did not bless. He did not bless them. He blessed real Americans. Not the ones that were just passing through. That's what they were doing, they were passing through, actually. It's a very slowly. Yeah. And they were encouraged to go a little faster. So I guess if God is going to bless America this year, we'll see whether he's a Democrat or a Republican on November. Could he have been pretty right wing the last day? It's been pretty right wing for the last 6000 years I think.

So thanks for joining us for this Democratic and International Special. Next week, it's the Republicans strapping! From London it's the five. And from Denver it's back to sleep. Bye and from Denver it's back to sleep Night night