The Bugle - Dibs on Jacinda (4192)

Episode Date: April 27, 2021

Anuvab Pal shares the latest from India, Tiff Stevenson updates us on the UK, and Andy, well he does what he always does.Subscribe to Tiny Revolutions with Tiff Stevenson, episode one, with Armando Iannucci is out now.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch (or some for yourself, it's allowed).The Last Post, keeps appearing here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAnuvab PalTiff StevensonAnd produced by Chris Skinner  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danc worlds of all time. You'd have to say, with me, Andy Zoltzman, one of the least visual comedians of all time in a shed. In this Monday, the 26th of April 2021, and if you forget about everything that's going on, everything going very well indeed for this final planet was and it's most talked about species of which I am

a member currently at least let's just quickly check my current species status quickly test the blood temperature lovely and warm skin type only 3% reptile verte vertebrate. All present and correct, hair, all fur. Well, it's in some of the places it's supposed to be. Three middle ear bones. Yes, I am all mammal. Next check, articulate speech. Yeah! Abstract reasoning.

Yes, I'm a definite member of the genius, homo. And finally, am I extinct? Let me check. No, yes, I am still a human being. It's always good to check. It's amazing that a number of people forget to. Joining me this week, to my fellow planet dwellers and amongst the most sappy ends of all humanids from India. And we have Anuvaab pal and from London, Tiffany Stevenson. Hello, both of you. How are you both? I'll let An of our bonds to that first.

Well, I'm still alive, but Tiff and the, let me explain the situation right now in India where I am. I just recently saw King Kong vs. Godzilla, where two fictional monsters trampled across a whole city and destroyed it in hand-to-hand combat. That city would be tranquil compared to any Indian city right now. Wow, yeah. I feel like I can't complain from a little corner of North London in my book nook with the sun coming through the window. I feel, yeah, that's why I wanted you to go first. I didn't want to, I didn't want to have some petty complaint to then have, oh really, is everyone dying?

Because that's what's happening here. So yeah, I was in a car, a minor car accident last week. So I guess that would be my, my, the most dramatic thing that happened. I got into a fight with an airbag and the airbag won. Right. So was that before or after the crash? It was, I tell you what though, what's interesting is Paul walked the impact was on his side,

on Scottish boy friend's side and he had not a scratch, whereas I got a lip laceration and loads of bruising because I think they're sort of just designed for male bodies, the older airbags and then someone on Twitter said to me, well, I tell you what's great, Volvo, I've really put a lot of money into designing them for women and I was like, I regret to inform you, I was in a Volvo. So yeah, that's been my week, vaccine, car crash, I'm getting all the crappy stuff out the way so that you know. Did you have the vaccine before the car crash? After post. Oh right, otherwise I would be a huge conspiracy.

Yes, yeah, I was going to say, but very bad PR. Tiff, I'll be honest with you, I mean things here are really bad, but that sounds pretty bad. Yeah, I mean, you can't see, listen as obviously you can't see me, but I have got a bit of a, I had stitches in my lip. So, with your, like my lips, well, it's one way of getting free collagen. I'm trying to put the positive spin on it. So yeah, so that's one way, just have an air bag whack you in the face. Well, I think the most exciting thing that's happened to me in the last week is I made a surprisingly competent biryani, but other than that, very

much. No change. We are recording on the 26th of April. On this day, 1,900 years ago, a historic birth, the Roman rumenator, the mighty meditator, the empathetic emperor, old Stevie Stoas' himself. Marcus, let me think about that for a minute, or really, on this day in 121 AD, the man who formulated such bomb mo bangers as everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Way to go for creating the post-truth new scope we live in now, Marcus. You also said everything we see is a perspective, not a truth. Maybe you should stop watching American TV channels. Marky Mark, and also you shouldn't give circumstances the power to Rouse Anger,

for they don't care at all. And that is why he would never have made it as a radio phone in host. Marcus, everything's got a little bit too objective in the drive time slot. Ratings are going through the floor. I don't give a shit if the potholes and people's roads are inanimate objects that feel no guilt for what they're doing to the suspensions on people's cars. We need some fury! Look at the way you refer to him as Marky Mark, who is the funky bunch then? If Marcus really is. I'm sorry, go to Ms. Markie Mark, who is the funky bunch then? If Mark is a really...

I'm sorry, I think they're Sennits. Senior Roman Legionnaires. Right, Street is a bit vague on it. To be honest, my always sketchy Roman history is now purely based on the film Gladiator, which Markus really doesn't stop particularly well for him. Also, he said, if you are distressed by anything external, that pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it, and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. But to be fair to Marcus Aurelius, he had never been hit square in the plums by a cricket ball after he decided to get a short of a length knit back and just outside

of the stump. Even with a bit of a box on, go that stings, go having short of a length knit back and just outside of stump. Even with a bit box on, go that stings, go do something, go get it back and across, cover the movement. Nor had he been punched in the tits by an airbag. Roman history would be very different if those two things had happened.. Anyway happy 1900th birthday. Markus, Markus, are really us. As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week and Oscar's fashion review section. Last night as we record the Oscars took place and well we're always on the cutting edge of fashion here at the Bugle and we have a full review of everything

people wore on the red carpet. Very disappointing lack of socks from a number of the women involved, Olivia Coleman. Obviously not wearing any socks whatsoever. Some tribute that to all those who fought and died in wars for Britain whilst wearing socks. Many others wearing floor length dresses so that even if they were wearing socks, no one would know.

What are they ashamed of? The sock is arguing with a garment that did most of boost human evolution. Men, for me, not enough headbands for my liking amongst the men involved in the Oscars, obviously important to look as ridiculous as possible. So why not go to the full Mac and Row? We will be speaking to our fashion expert, Harkylus Peace Slanger, who will talk us through the all the highlights and highlights of the red carpet. Two really caught Harkyluses, I were Meritrisha Dogsanian, the Oscar-nominated star of magic roundabout action spin-off Florence and Irmin Trude versus the death beetles of Nug.

Well, she'd turn head to the sensational off-the-shoulder reconstituted lawnmower dress, whilst the always-dapper Norris Sebastian van der Klapp, former star of the Canadian prehistoric soap opera The Moose Riders, and he was nominated, of course, for best non-speaking off-screen role for his portrayal of the controversial Olympic athlete Justin Gatlin in the 17th century costume sci-fi drama doc, Fratgill comedy, to Alien, Subterfuge. Well, he looks super smart in his salmon skin, Tuxedo, and Fowl, Walrus, Pelt, Nexarong, with his imitation dinosaur leather job purse. Anyway, that section, sadly, in the bin.

Huh? Huh? TENORICAL MUSIC Top story this week, India News, and while it's been a horrific time for India and evabreeling under the surge of the world's most tedious virus, as COVID-19 continues to vomit, and an ending torrent of spanners into the works of the world, just bring us up to date with exactly what the situation currently is.

Well, I thought a lot about how to explain to you and Tiff the least macabre version of what's happening Andy Thousands of Indian people across India unvaccinated and tested experiencing sudden drops in levels of oxygen Being rushed to the hospital where there is no oxygen and just dying daily note This is the least macabre version of the story. Oh, I'll try I think I might be the darkest star we've ever had to in this issue with the vehicle But here's the thing rather than focus of the grim facts of the world media highlighting, I thought we could focus on the monumental collapse of governance, such a monumental collapse

that the city of Pompeii is looking at us saying, we handled the volcano better than this. We had a year to improve our medical infrastructure, but no, our ministers went around saying while the rest of the world studied the genetic sequence of the virus, we didn't need to. We had Indian exceptionalism. We had defeated the virus because what is a virus if not a T20 cricket match? We opened up the country to state elections and mass religious gatherings, something even a sponge wouldn't do and a sponge doesn't even have a brain. Our leadership and political class are so devoid of literacy or basic comprehension or motor skills that Siri in your iPhone could have delivered more hospital beds without you

instructing it to. While ordinary people turn to social media to basically form their little private home hospitals, in the actual government, there's an aptitude greed and cruelty at a scale where even Stalin would say enough, an emperor Nero would second it. There is currently more empathy, Tiff, and he, in a king cobra, eating a black mumble alive, both gold reptiles, drowning in the earth's columns. What we are witnessing in our political leaders are as Paul Simon wrote twisted, cyclist, rex of men.

Things are so bad, Andy, that I'm quoting Paul Simon. Oh, you're going to Scarborough Fair. I'm sorry. Any play that leaves India too. How come it's anywhere? Because there are planes India shut up from the world. And finally, I have to say, this just happened. Things are so bad that the Australian fastballer, Pat Cummings,

has donated $50,000 Australian dollars as we speak. And he has done more than the Indian government. But he's a lovely guy, Pat Cummings. Much as he's an Australian fastballer and therefore evil in the eyes of all England, green fat, he is a lovely guy, Pat Cummins, much as he's an Australian fastball and therefore evil in the eyes of all England, cricket, and that's it. He's a bad guy. And also he said, he wasn't sure about whether people, they should still be continuing with the cricket

on the IPL while this is going on and they've been told that it's at least providing people with some form of distraction and made this sizable contribution, but it does seem an evab that, you know, there's this continuous pattern that countries with self-serving demagogues in charge have not exactly aced this crisis.

We've had, you know, Jerbal Sonarro brought distinctly personal heartlessness to his mesmerically moronic effects to maximize the Brazilian suffering toll. Donald Trump, of course, bravely refused to allow common sense scientific, or advice, or basic humanity to get in the way of his determination to give his supporters the kind of deathly mayhem they expected from. Embarrassed Johnson, helped get Britain impressively shit for brain head start in the European death situation. Now, Narendra Modi,

re-namer of cricket stadiums in his own honor, Poisoner of an almost miraculous secularism that has helped sustain a logistically impossible megane through decades of breakneck change is presiding over one of the deadliest surges of the virus yet seen. In March, India's health minister said the country was in the endgame of the pandemic, I mean, with hindsight and indeed foresight, this looks like in his at best, disrespecting the chess skills of COVID, which is notoriously good at not getting to the end game phase. It's absolutely correct. Last Saturday, when India detected cases that were going up 150% a day, and TV channels were showing people rushing to hospitals, Prime Minister Modi

was campaigning in my home state of West Bengal saying, I've never seen such huge crowds. Thank you for coming. At least Emperor Nero was playing the fiddle or whatever that we had, Roman instrument is called. He was not also, yeah, exactly, that instrument. He was not also boring petrol in the middle of a raging fire. So it's bruised. I've never seen such huge crowds.

It's like, you know, going to a, it's like saying, I was great to see so many people swimming at this beach where we can proudly say, we have not had a single shark attack in the last eight minutes. Well done. Well done. I mean, you've got to just go around a lung cancer ward giving out free cartons of cigarettes. It was passed in sensitive.

That's exactly. It's a completely underplay in the pandemic then turning up at Rally's mask list. Remind you of anyone. Yeah, I mean, I think you pretty much said it there, Andy. But it's also, yeah, there's a complete heartlessness, isn't there? People pleading for help,

and people responding with stuff like, let's try and not be a crybaby about it. Yes, that was a strawberry, the crybaby story. That was, yeah, it's fantastic. I mean, look, because Modi lost control, people rushed to the high courts, right? They wanted court orders to get things done, to get oxygen moving. So the Delhi government is not run by Prime Minister Modi,

it's an independent state government. They rushed to the high court. They said, if we don't get 480 tons of oxygen by this evening, the system will collapse. We have 24 hours to get something done or something disastrous will happen. This is what the Delhi government told I caught. Prime Minister Modi's lawyer responded with, let's try not be a crybaby.

The only equivalent I can think for you guys is Prime Minister Suzuki Cantaro in 1945, 25, Bintol, Hiroshima has just happened and he responds with, wow, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, the dominant philosophies in politics now. Well, they spat the dummy. That's often... Yes. Absolutely. I mean, from people whinging about a trickle of asylum seekers flooding their countries or immigrants doing the jobs that no one else wants to do for less money than they don't want to do them for complaining about rupturing. People rupturing their selectively constructed

historical fictions. Crybabyism, we've seen it sort of play out with, you know, with trumpism as essentially crybabyism taken to its logical conclusion of certain strains of prexetatiousness defined by their devoted adherence to crybabyist doctrines of grievance, especially when that grievance is against people with genuine grounds of grievance who are expressing being a grieve. That can actually tip crybabyism into full tantrumism, which I'm not sure there's anything that we can go beyond. But that maybe that's naive.

I'm not surprised that these politicians aren't good at managing oxygen because they do produce a lot of hot air. I mean the fact that people are taking to, as you sort of alluded to that and that were like creating their own mini hospitals. Some people are taking to Twitter and saying, can you get me this piece of equipment? I mean, I'm in dire straits. I mean, it's like awful to witness and you feel utterly helpless from the other side of the, I'm sure as people there feel utterly helpless to do anything about it. Yeah, exactly.

So citizens have sort of, you know, helping each other, people have set up WhatsApp groups and help lines. And you would think that the government would respond, right? Seeing all this is, please, for help on Twitter. Instead, the government yesterday announced that Twitter handles that a critical of the government should be removed. And a message is being sent out to journalists saying the media need to be positive and to forget the past, the past being two hours ago. And apparently the government is not to blame, the system is to blame.

This reminds me of the Terry Jones film Eric The Viking. If you remember King R. Nolfe was on his island nation of Hybrisil and he kept saying, This reminds me of the Terry Jones film Eric The Viking. If you remember King R. Nolfe was on his island nation of high Brazil and he kept saying, stay calm, this is not happening as his island nation sank. Well, we just couldn't have found the time, at least the Indian government in their busy schedule to tell to a thousand blocks and tweets that were less than complimentary

about Modi and his handling of the... I mean, his handling and appropriate word. Am I guess, you know, when you pick up a price of ancient vase and smash it on the floor, you're a criminal thing in a way. I like that is that the Twitter complied with the order to remove the tweets, preventing residents in the country from viewing the posts from people who include a state minister, an opposition member of the Indian Parliament, filmmakers and actor, two journalists and several ordinary people. The ordinary people are at it again! Yes, yes, you know, they're hitting the streets these tweets that say I can't breathe and I'm dead

Very bad, they're not happy with these tweets and like Andy said, you know, of course they have no other priorities Right, obviously this is the number one concern public image It just happened that the jelly chief minister was so desperate that on an emergency private call with the prime minister and everybody, he decided that he was going to live telecast it just to show off nothing is happening in these meetings. And so the prime minister stopped the meeting and said, everyone thought he's going to say something groundbreaking and he said, is this going out live on TV? That's breaking protocol. That's the only thing he said. And the delhi-chi-fist is I'm really sorry I would. That was his main concern. His main concern is not that the city he

lives in is going to have no people. That was his main concern. I was interested, you talk, you mentioned Indian exceptionalism. Modi in his speech on Saturday in West Bengal when he was campaigning at this rally. He said India defeated COVID last year and India can do it again. Now there's a slight problem with this in that India did not defeat COVID last year as we are seeing now. They didn't defeat COVID anymore than England defeated the West Indies in the 1984 test series because they won the coin toss before the first match of five and scored the first run of the series before Graham Fowler was out to make the score one for one then Andy Lloyd was hospitalised and never played international cricket again and England was thrashed in all five tests

but if you can't win as a win it's a win. I mean, things are so bad guys, there's a petition going around because one of the New Zealand cricketers playing in the IPL has gone back to New Zealand because he just, you know, things are too dangerous. And there's a request going, a petition handed over to him if they could send back Jacinda Hardin to be our Prime Minister. They would allow him to break his IPL contract if we could do a one-to-one exchange. Everyone wants dibs on Jacinda. I feel like it should be like jury service. Everyone will get two weeks, two weeks of Jacinda. Like she could just go around all the countries and sort it all out. COVID response, infrastructure, everything. That would be great, wouldn't it?

Well, she's going to have to go to Mount Everest if she's going to do that because COVID has even reached there in the region, climate and the sharper of tested positive for COVID-19. I mean, that doesn't give much hope for the... if you can't socially distance on the Mount Everest, it's going to give much hope for the more crowded parts of the world. I thought that headline was bad because it said coronavirus reaches Mount Everest, which makes it sound like the little virus that could. Like... LAUGHTER

I think we've been sitting for thousands of years now, it's done, you know, under a year or a half. And we thought coronavirus was big headed before, but now we have coronavirus, the adventurer, it's basically coronavirus and Ben Fogel. And that is, we just don't need it. Corona blogging about the view and what a journey it's been on together

on the radio and chat, so it shows her that it convincing everyone that the Sherpas love it and it's great bands. And what else are you gonna do in your gap here anyway? You see that this or white water are halfting with your gap here anyway. You see that this or white water rafting with your great Uncle Teddy? I don't think Corona needs to get any more big headed than it currently is. I love this Sherpa that was interviewed. I've never been anywhere near Mount Everest

but apparently he said, luckily we had a helicopter and we got this guy out of there because it's quite crowded up there and he could have infected a whole bunch of people. What's going on on top of Mount Everest? Well, I mean, you do hear these complaints that Everest has become too crowded, they're giving too many permits. But it doesn't make you think, maybe I think what we need now,

and I know the world's got other focuses, but I think we need some higher mountains that clearly Everest is not enough of a challenge anymore with the need to be a pop, you know, we've got a few spare mountains in Europe, there's way too many Alps as we can maybe chuck an Alp on top of Mount Everest, get some of that kind of 12, 13,000 meters instead. Is Matterhorn what's the highest in? That's not the highest, but it's a crafty one, the Matterhorn. Mon Blanc is the, the Matterhorn looks great.

That's a great looking mountain. That's a dream-sweep mountain. Let's objectify these. Well, it really fits. Really, really love the jagged outline, hard cut. There's rocky abs. Oh yeah. I expected a lot of things on this podcast, but not erotic mountains. Well, maybe we can open this up to our listeners, we can update rather than hotties from history. Let's move on from humans to land formations that give you the horn.

What's the matter? You got the horn. There's a reason they called it the horn or Africa. But it's not all bad news when it comes to COVID in India and in VAD, because COVID has brought out much of the worst in some of our leaders.'s but it's also brought up much the best in humanity around the world a selfless devotion to duty of health workers around the world, a genius of scientists even if they are motivated by greed according to Boris Johnson but still wizards in my book as they count their ill earned money those volunteers, greedy volunteers around the world who stepped up to the various plates slapped down by this crisis. But one area where we've seen humanity come into the fore as in the world's thieves who've been inspired to be better, not all of

them, but at least one of them in India, someone who'd stolen 1700 doses of COVID vaccine from the hospital, returned them with a note saying, sorry, I didn't know they were they were COVID COVID vaccines. So I mean, it just shows that everyone is doing their bit even if it you know adversely affects their own line of work. You're absolutely right Andy Petty criminals have really stepped up when the nation needed them. This thief was really repentant. He left a note. He couldn't even, so he's not even literate. So he got someone to write a note saying he was sorry.

That's how dedicated thieves are in the, in contributing to, you know, while our leaders are reptilian, spineless, hollow pieces of fecal, sludge, these people. I don't feel strongly about this at all, clearly. I mean, the situation here is completely under control. I mean, I've locked up my parents, my 75-year-old parents. In what I think is a criminal act, I don't think you can legally lock them up. But there are no police stations open.

So I'll deal with this when they come out alive. If there are any police stations left. So, Adam, I think people are making their own hospitals at home. You can make your own jail and call out that. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, I just have any problem with this. But yeah, I mean, thieves have stepped up.

A lot of local sort of cheats and people would cheat you on small things in India like medical supplies are providing things for free. Loads of companies that were closed because of environmental pollution are begging the courts to reopen so they can make oxygen suddenly what is sort of a very crooked, devious class of people, a certain magnanimity has emerged, whereas leaders are very worried about Twitter. So that's the average citizen, especially the average criminal citizen has really stepped up. Right, time to move on now to British news. Boris Johnson has had another exciting week of self-excalation, which is this prime hobby at the moment. He can now claim the nickname Shaggy for a very impressive range of different reasons, from his willful

incompetence, protecting hair to his trans-irial predilections, to his convoluted stories, this Shaggy dog stories, if you will, explaining why someone, something that looks obviously very dodgy indeed, is in fact perfectly fine, to being as suitable a person for being Prime Minister as the character Shaggy from TV2. As we now see on a almost hourly basis, channeling the reggae star Shaggy and claiming it wasn't me. So he's, he's claimed he acted with honesty and integrity with regard to his affair and dealings with Jennifer Arcurri, which caused panic and tears at the Oxford English Dictionary as it comes out.

But honesty now encompasses not total dishonesty all the time as a definition and integrity means whatever the fuck you can get away with. And, well, if Dominic Cummings has, well, the pro celebrity Schetsterer has emerged from the political woodwork and launched vicious attacks on his former client, Boris Johnson. I mean, it's getting quite vicious described as rats fighting in a sack by the Labour Party. I mean, it's a great contest if nothing else for the youth. Well, Laya Dominic, calling out Laya Boris, do two liars make a truiser? Possibly. I mean, I was waiting for Boris to come out and say he also shag James Dyson, but acted with integrity. That's just averaging out all the stories, I think.

Yes, yes. But is anyone else beginning to think that that Henry the Hoover in the corner of the press room was a coded message to James Dyson? Well, so just so the press room, which we could talk about in a more detailed later this new press room it cost 2.6 million pounds and then they thought I don't want to bother using it so essentially a propaganda facility. Yeah. Not the most British of British things, this bike all the way. You can put lots of flags on it, it doesn't make it British.

And there was there was a photo taken to sort of show. Oh look at this wonderful new facility and someone had left the Henry Hoover. In the corner and I don't know if Dyson would have taken Carnage of that. Yeah, I feel it was definitely a coded message. So Dominic saying basically, we're getting a clear picture now of why Boris wouldn't sack him after the Barnard castle. A clearer, clear, unlike Dominic's eyesight, obviously. But I think Dominic has too much on Boris Johnson. So he's revealed that there were these text exchanges going back and forth between Dyson

and Boris around tax affairs, that they were going to get donors to fund the refurbishment of number 10. And then Dominic sort of, I don't know if the leaks come from him or saying someone else has been saying it's been leaked, then someone else at number 10, basically we need a packet of 10 LAD because these guys are leaking all over the place. So it's not even clear these guys are leaking all over the place. So it's not even clear where the leaks are coming from, but it's basically, his greatest ally is now his biggest enemy. And I think Boris probably is rightfully shit right up

by this news. And I know we should break it down into because you probably want to talk about the individual aspects, but I do want to raise very specifically the fact that Boris was looking to raise, well, an ally of Mr Johnson defended the charity plan. So they were talking about setting up a charitable fund to refurbish number 10. And an ally of Johnson said last night, down in street is as iconic iconic as Windsor Castle, but it's in danger of becoming tati because the civil service does everything on the cheap.

A new charity with privately raised money to preserve it in great shape for all time is great value for the taxpayer and a great idea. Sure, cut universal credit because number 10 needs a facelift. That doesn't even make any sense. At least you can walk around Windsor Castle. Like, that doesn't even make any sense. At least you can walk around Windsor Castle. Like, you don't, they're trying to make it. They're trying to make out like it's comparable

to the White House. Like, a makeover is important for a building, or appropriate for a building of such huge importance. It's the house that comes with a job. It's basically a gardener's cottage or a man's. Stop trying to make it some Paul's Cathedral. You can't compare it to the White House. It's a midterrace in London.

You can't even stick an extension on this thing. Like what are you talking about? You can't say it's a building of historical importance and that we should be paying for it. But if I have a quick question for you and Andy, don't you think though, if this approach is very discouraging politicians, having grown up in a culture where basically doing

big business doing favors for politicians is essentially the rule. And I've seen that in India for 30 years. What is even the point of doing favors for big business? If they can't help out with the contractor to redo the kitchen. What is even the point of life actually? Well, one of the aspects of this that is quite fascinating is who paid for this renovation

and Trade Secretary Liz Truss told the BBC that Johnson had paid for the renovation costs quotes from his own pocket. But it may transpire that that pocket of his was there after he just put on a brand new pair of trousers given to him by some passing Tory party donors, as they whispered in his ear, no, by yourself, I mean, nice, we know what you live. So it's hard to know, I mean, there's so, I mean, the thing is, I don't think it's going to affect Johnson, because you know, the idea, as he said,

if that, you know, Dominic Cummings has all this dirt on him. Boris Johnson came into office as, you know, almost homeopathic trace of human in a mound of dirt. So extra dirt is not gonna really have a great impact on him. And Dominic Cummings suggested that it was, you know, the plan to get Donas to pay for the flat was possibly illegal in his words.

He said it's sad to see the Prime Minister and his office fall so far below the standards of competence and integrity the country deserves to which I would say, f**k you Cummings, with all due respect to Cummings and Johnson, this absolute pair of chances, questioning Johnson's competence and integrity is like questioning Adolfin's ability to climb mountains and juggle. Those cards were slapped firmly and proudly on the table. Besides Mr Cummings, if you're listening, you were instrumental way, you know, in persuading the country to vote for this level of incompetence and this level of lack of integrity.

So do not tell us the voting public, what we do and do not deserve. The Dyson texts issue is quite a complicated issue on Sir James Dyson contacting Johnson directly and that the tax issue was about the taxation status of workers for the Dyson company, were they to come and work in Britain. It all occurred during the tragically inept early months of the crisis. And Johnson said that he made no apologies, what he said last week, he made no apologies for moving heaven and

earth to get hold of these ventilators that Dyson had offered in the end. It's not clear whether he moved heaven or earth, certainly no ventilators emerged from this, but also think back to those early days of the crisis. The only way Boris Johnson could claim to have moved heaven and earth was if heaven and earth were his nicknames for his butt cheeks and he moved them so that they were not sitting on a chair. In, for example, five consecutive meetings of the Cobra Emergency Committee early on in the crisis, when moving even small parts of Earth might have made a massive difference to the number of people having an unscheduled appointment with heaven.

He also wouldn't have had to move heaven and earth if he'd moved his own fucking eyeballs over the text of the report, warning about the UK's dangerous lack of preparedness for pandemics, or just looked at what was happening elsewhere in the world and thought well maybe we can learn from that even if they are foreign. Andy there is now an image of Boris Johnson's posterior in my head that makes the crisis in India far worse for me personally. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep per week. I just have a quick exchange offer for my friends in Britain. Dominic Cummings called Trotsch Johnson mad and totally unethical. He is sending us 350 oxygen concentrators today. We'll take him because mad and totally unethical leads to corrupt flat but also oxygen concentrators

for us. Same in dictatorial is what we have right now leads to a country on fire. So, if you let go, we'll take him. Yes, you can embrace chronicism. You're right, if, yeah, because, I mean, all the things you guys are complaining about, I was quite because I was having difficulty figuring out where the ethical problems were There was a resignation from the government Johnny Mercella veterans minister well

He was about to resign and then he was sacked after telling the government that he was going to resign out of what he described as courtesy He said I felt like I was treated like shit courtesy, he said, I felt like I was treated like shit. As a government minister, and I said the government was the most distrustful. He said it was the most awful environment he's ever worked in. And bear in mind, he fought in Helm and Province in Afghanistan, and working for the Boris Johnson government was less awful than that. He said, but this could be, we took about, you know, the bomb shell, you know, the getting alcapone on tax eva.

This could be the thing that really brings down the Johnson government because Johnny Merce after being, being sacked, said, almost nobody in government tells the truth. And surely that is the true scandal because he said, almost, there is someone in the government who is kind of the truth. Can they root out the mud for it's too late? Well, we've talked a lot about people doing their jobs who we maybe prefer weren't doing their jobs. News now of someone who didn't do their job for 15 years and managed to continue to get paid for it. A hospital worker in Italy

apparently managed to get paid for a decade and a half without turning up to work. AnuVab, you are a heroic, skyving correspondent. Yes, sir. you are a heroic, skyving correspondent. Yes, sir. Just, you know, I know you have not done a full day's work since I think it was 1684. So, bring us up to that with a story. Well, the first of all, you know, I really love that, you know, most of the things that people say about Italy often come true in newspapers. And I really respect Italy for that. Salvatore Scomacci was an Italian worker at Chiaccio Hospital in the city of Catanzaro. He made news headlines in Italy this week when Italy's financial police announced

that they were investigating his remarkable record of absenteeism. I've been absent a few times in my life, Andy. I have friends who missed a whole year of school and have come out reasonably well. This man missed 15 years of work and he was still paid. And he was still paid. And the investigators said we blame inefficiency of checks at all levels. In my book, I want to know what you guys think about this, but in my book, this man is a hero. This man should not be investigated.

If anybody, the head of human resources, should be fired, maybe his boss should be fired, this man deserves some sort of a national award from his country. Well, absolutely, you think of all the people through history who had they taken 15 years off rather than doing what they did, would have made the world a considerate better place.

I mean, we mentioned Stalin earlier on. And if Stalin had knocked off in 1930, odd, I think a lot of Russians would have been quite pleased with that. I mean, in many ways, I think you should be an inspiration. I mean, people work too hard, and well done, him for trying to balance that out. And also, I mean, really, what is not working for 15 years, other than just taking your retirement early? Uh, I mean, you're generally just sprints to work load around. So I'm not...

The Italian... Retirement is wasted, I've said this, but retirement is wasted on the old. Uh, people like to keep occupied when they're old. So you should retire like he did during his career. And... The Italian not job. I just, yeah, you you got to admire it. Although I do think and

looking a little bit deeper, scraping a little bit away from the the top of the story apparently someone did try to report him but then a woman that worked in human resources raised a query about it and then people started appearing outside our house. So she very much just sort of left it alone and never mentioned it again. So apparently it's like quite a, like, quite a big thing. This is again, Calibria, where this is happening. Yeah, so, and I really loved that he was shocked that there was an investigation. All you need to do is declare himself a prince, and he can come to Britain and do the same. We are approaching the end of this week's bugle shortly after we recorded last week,

we had the verdict from the George Floyd case, we will address the issue surrounding this in a future edition of the Bugle, but there was an extraordinary reaction to it from Fox News host Tucker Carlson, who in the aftermath of the verdicts issued a warning. Now you might think, you know, he might be warning of a flowering of related justice or a massive improvement in police standards and techniques across the USA. But instead, he warned of an attack on civilisation. Of course, by people supporting George Floyd, it was one of even in the universe of Fox News and the American right wing. This was as tone deaf and inane as pretty much anything

that we've heard in recent years. Do you know what I think? Are you had Tommy Laren as well on Twitter, like saying something like, you got your justice. You're like, oh, I thought justice was for everyone. It's quite clear that you don't consider this to be justice. Yeah, it's sort of mad, isn't it, people showing their ass? With, did you think Fox News could sink clover? Or did you think they'd already?

Well, I mean, there's always, I guess it's, you know, when you watched Usain Bolt in the early years of his career, he thought, well, surely he's taken sprinting to it, it's extremely kept doing great, and great things. And I guess, you know, Fox News is like that. You think, oh, there's nothing more that they can do. And they always find, you know, that's the genius of Fox News, that there is no barrel to which they have yet found

an adequate bottom that cannot be drilled through with the power drill of f***ing tree, which they bring to journalism. And on the sum of justice, I mean justice, people say justice is supposed to be blind. But I guess the problem in America is that justice is generally merely been hiding its eyes behind a special high performance sports sunglasses

that increase the contrast between colors. We will return to this story in weeks to come. That brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Before we go, Tiff, tell us about your show that has joined the Bugle stable. Yes, yes. Thank you for letting my horse enter into your stable. That will take that out.

Or maybe leave it in. Maybe leave it in. I don't mind. Tiny Revolutions, which is the show where I talk to comedians, rock stars, actors, journalists, creators about the things in their life that have been tiny revolutions. So they're their favourite films and TV, political moments that have changed them and moved them, people that they've met that have influenced their work, and it's called Tiny Revolutions, and comes out every Wednesday. We've already had episodes

out with Armando Inuchi, which was fantastic. We had Simon Neal from Biffy Glyro. We had Maisie Riches and Sellers. We have Roisin Connity coming up. Our Madrigal, WKMW and NATO Green will be on Wednesday's episode. And if I have anything to plug? Well, I'm going to very quickly plug tips to Stevenson Show. I just wanted to take that. But also this is the last week on Radio 4 of a show I did called Future Empire Effect. It was a study of India and where Britain and India's relationship is heading with one

Andy Zoltzman. I don't know if you've heard of him. He's an Indian cricket commentator. So that's on for another week on Radio 4. All right, on the Radio 4 website, I didn't realize that was coming down. I'll post a link to that on the Google Twitter feed. feed. You will first do it all. You've got cricket, you've got culture, you've got comedy, yeah, comedy, cricket culture, it's all happening. We will be back next week, I'm also currently hosting the news quiz on Radio 4, which you can also find on the Radio 4 website for the next few weeks. And we will play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them and to make a recurring or one-off contribution to the bugle to keep it free,

free from Adverts and independent and flourishing go to buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Martin Richter thinks the world has become too set on a regular calendar. It gets a bit numbingly predictable having the same 12 months every year, bleeds Martin, not to mention the same 52 in a bit weeks and the same 365 or if you're feeling a bit ill in pixie 366 days, why not mix it up a bit? Why not try some years with 15 months, some with 9, you could have more holiday in the longer years, but also less long to wait for your birthday in the shorter ones, plus it would make tax a lot more exciting for the accountants. Max Calica is more in favour of doing away with months entirely and instead giving each

week its own name. Sure says Max, I would miss the old classics, luck October, January, April and the rest, but selling the naming rights for 52 new micromonts, could fund everything the world needs to be fixed on, calculate smacks, every time you wrote, it's the 7th of Tez Lembre in your diary, you would feel happy that Elon Musk is saving an endangered goat or something. Shay Flanagan, however, is concerned about what would happen with the one or in leap years two days left over from the 52 micromonts year.

I guess you could award a special day to the best human of the year according to some kind of algorithm, Venture's Shay, or to avoid arguments, just give it to someone discernibly special, the reigning world snooker champion maybe, or the winner of the Grammy Award for best backing vocals in a scar-funct-skiffle cover of a 90s rap song, whatever works, or maybe to please the Brit's, just name it after the Queen. They love it. Mark Isaacs would blend the suggestions posited by Martin and Max, and suggest that the years could be mixed up according to another algorithm.

They can do most things, the algorithm says Mark, and I'd love to live in a world where you had a 400-day year with 85-day weeks, followed by a year that's 330 days long, with 33-11 day weeks, each with a 3-day weekend and a day off in the middle. Especially if you didn't know what the year was going to be until one minute to midnight on the 31st of December, or whatever the last day of the year happened to be. Andy Chalice agrees and argues that the unpredictability of this system could boost creativity and thus economic productivity worldwide.

You could even have the odd 245 day year with only one week, says Andy, comprising 175 days of unbroken work followed by an absolute whopper of a 70 day weekend. Obviously, says Andy, that's not great if you work weekends, but otherwise, sign me up. As long as it averages out around the 365 and a quarter day mark over each hundred or so years, I again things will be okay. And moving away from the issue of years, months and days, Dan Carlson had at one point made detailed, costed plans to build and open a new museum. The Museum of Unfulfilled Ideas, chronicling and commemorating all the potentially revolutionary concepts, inventions and political movements that could have made a positive contribution to the world had they

actually come about. In the end, however, Dan never got round to setting it up. If I ever do get round to it though says Dan, all those ideas about variable years and stuff are going straight in. They're good, but they'll never happen. The 24, 7, 3, 6, 5, and 12 month lobbies have got it all sewn up. Here end if, this week's lies. Goodbye. This week's lies. Goodbye.