The Bugle - Did you get peace in the Mid-East for Xmas?

Episode Date: January 5, 2009

The 58th ever Bugle podcast, from 2009. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bueglers, and welcome to a truly historic issue 58 of the Buegl, the first ever issue of the Buegl in the year 2009. John, this has never happened before. An issue of the Buegl in the calendar year 2009. This has got to be one of the great moments in human history. Well, I mean, that's big claim, claim Andy that's your first big claim of 2009. But yeah well that is also I've broken etiquette there I haven't introduced myself I'm Andy Salzman in London. Bad start to the year bad start.

And in New York City John 2009 is the year of change that that was a change. People don't know who you are yet and in New York City is John Oliver hello John hello hello viewers well God we've unraveled this was supposed to be on big year Andy you flew it welcome back viewers welcome back Andy and yet he welcomed in 2009 how's it being for you so far Andy sensational John best year of my life so far far. Yeah, that's good to hear. Yeah, that's good to hear. Also, let's take a moment to say Happy Birthday Earth.

Hard to know how many candles to put on your cake, opinion seems divided, and it's rude to ask you directly as science claims that you're 4.5 billion years old, Christianity rounds that down to a more complimentary 10,000 years old. Either way, you look terrible. Happy birthday anyway. How was your Christmas, John? That was fine. And it was good. It was your classic English family Christmas. Very pleasant. How was yours? Deliver any children? No, I got that out

of the way. Before I've say Horace seemed quite ambivalent to his first Christmas. And when I presented him with his plastic cricket set he didn't even say thanks so I was going to take a little while for me to repair my father's own relationship I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas though John Right what was that? World Peace Oh I guess you never get what you want I should have asked for war and then you know who knows it might have happened

I thought you liked war You did just get more war. I thought you liked more. You did just get more war really. I thought you liked it. But it is, I know the fifth of January, is 50 years since Fidel Castro won Cuba in a raffle. And also, tomorrow, the sixth of January, will be 25 years since the birth of my dog Tash. Oh.

God rest her soul. Ironically, she didn't actually like Fidel Castro. How's it all that? Well, I'm actually never said I like Fidel Castro. Right, so she never voiced any open support. No. Also happy 250th wedding anniversary to Georgian Martha Washington. Here's the 250 more years of happy matrimony. As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin this week. A special feature section on how to take down your Christmas decorations, which of course you must do on a sector January, or you will be condemned to hell, I believe that's the Christian Edict.

So if you are using a power hose or water cannon to get your decorations off your Christmas tree, please make sure any electric lights are switched off first, or so we'll tell you what to do with your tinsel. You could chop it into pieces and leave it in the local woods then the next day retrace your steps and tend to discover the droppings of a ferry. And remember also tinsel is a potential murder weapon, Edward the confessor died on the 5th of January 1066, that could easily have been caused by tinsel from his tree being used to strangle him. And also Teddy Roosevelt died

whilst taking a Christmas decorations down on the 6th of January 1919, Bert John, he's rumoured to have died after mistaking a ball ball for a strawberry, eating it whole and then dying of food poisoning as it hadn't been cooked properly. And also, we'll tell you if you have used the severed head of a polar bear as your Christmas fairy on top of your tree, we'll tell you how to dispose of it without getting in trouble from the animal rights per game. Well Andy, the new year has brought you no more facts. Your facts stocking lay empty once more. Where is that fact Santa? Where has he been? The entire 33 years of your life. 34 John. You 34 now? Yeah that's a fact. There he came. I love to federate the river. Jingle, jingle, he's here! It's a Christmas miracle!

Top story this week, and Happy New Year to the Middle East and for the thousandth year in a row, that sound sarcastic. Congratulations Middle East, it is your depressing four-figure anniversary. Half-inflated balloon should be cascading from the ceiling in celebration now, before sagging onto the floor like broken dreams. Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Of course older acquaintances shouldn't be forgot and the older acquaintances should be painfully raked over and used in an excuse for present day atrocities. That's the little known eighth verse of Old Langzai, people tend

to skip it when they're drunkenly groups singing. It's less catchy and it can really bring down a Hutanani. What a fine-away for the Middle East to celebrate Christmas then with a good old-fashioned family argument. And we've all had them, John, just not quite this big. Those one year when my parents blockaded me and my bedroom for 18 months, and I have to say, I was pretty knocked with them. If you had rockets, you'd have fired them, wouldn't you?

Oh, I would. Yes, the most badly behaved region on earth. Once again, chose to celebrate the New Year in signature style by sashing up to the brink of all-out war. Not for them, the ooze and ares of fireworks displays. They prefer the ooze, the old gods and the please make it stops of genuine rocket attacks. I'm not sure when the last genuinely happened you in the middle east was Andy, but I think we're going back to before the British started exterior

design. That's for sure. I think you're probably going back to not BC, I knew it, these problems really kicked into hyperdrive. So far the United Nations reaction to the crisis has been to begin work on a new limerick about the Middle East. So far it goes, they're once lived in the Middle East, a man who ate nothing but yeast. He continued to rise until to his surprise, he was baked and eaten by a beast. And you know, they're still working on that last line in particular. It doesn't quite scam, but you know, when it comes to the Middle East, it's so hard to reach compromise. That's a strong message from the international community.

But just for once, Andy, it would be nice if they could take inspiration from that incredible moment during the first World War in 1914, when on Christmas Eve, soldiers from both from both sides vented into no man's land to play football together before continuing to slaughter each other for another four years. But wouldn't it have been wonderful if these royallys in the Palestinians on New Year's Eve had met on the board of the Gaza Strip and just sat down for a game of scrabble? Yes, there would likely be some arguments about putting down a triple word occupier when it wasn't your go. I don't know. there would likely be some arguments about putting down a triple word occupier when it wasn't your go.

I don't know. Or, you know, there'd probably be arguments about what alphabets are used as well. It's a bad idea. It's a bad idea. It's a bad idea. It just goes to show how complicated this issue is. But if the Palestinians and the Jews have one thing in common and it's that they both struggle to someone up much of a Christmas spirit around this time of year, now you can say

that that's because neither of them celebrate Christmas, but you don't need to believe in Santa to want to dress up like him. Stop quoting Aristotle at this early stage of the podcast. The Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas was called for an honorable truce and that could be a tough one John. I mean the truce itself is looking like a bit of a long shot and an honorable one at the moment is looking about as likely as a portion of peaking duck winning the Olympic Giant Slalom next year. Not impossible but unlikely. This current outbreak of madness came as an Egyptian broker six month truce ran out on the 19th of December and though that needn't have meant immediate breakdown somehow you knew it would. It's like the warranty on a fridge expiring.

Yes, it might just be 24 hours later, and your fridge may have been working perfectly well yesterday, but deep down you know that fridge is going to explode. And now France has been trying to negotiate a 48 hour ceasefire. That is how you mean low. Even this 48 hour proposal failed, Ehud Almer rejected the proposal saying, conditions were not right for a ceasefire. What conditions is he talking about? Will those be the conditions of whether he wants a ceasefire or not? Call me an old-fashioned hippie, but anytime is a good time for a ceasefire,

being as how it cites people from firing things. Also, Sarcosi, the French president, he said it is France's duty to look everywhere for the road map towards peace. And it's a problem with road maps to peace, John, they are always in the last place you look. Also, previous road maps have proved to be cartographically inept. And in fact, I once borrowed a road map off a guy who'd been involved in the Middle East

peace process. And I was trying to drive from London to see my parents in Tombridge Wells about 30 miles away. And I ended up parked outside a hardware store near Bay Root, firing a water pistol at a school bus. They should try GPS towards peace, although that would probably even worse, because they cease to take responsibility for where they're going.

The Gaza Strip has continued its unique position of being both the most and the least desired real estate on the planet. You think it's hard shifting a property in the current climate? Try shifting a three-bedroom unique position of being both the most and the least desired real estate on the planet. You think it's hard shifting a property in the current climate, try shifting a three-bedroom anywhere within a rocket's flight of Gaza. It is to put in offensively mildly a buyer's market. What's a lively area?

Right for renovation. You know, characterful bustling community. That's right, big nightlife. Her mass leaders have urged Palestinians to observe a day of wrath after seven days of vomiting, Gaza. Well, well done, we could add that to the pile of helpful responses to this situation. The only hope is that they misspoke Andy and they actually wanted to declare a day of thunder in response.

That being a day when everyone watches non-stop showings of the Tom Cruise Nicole Kidman stock car classic Days of Thunder. I thought it was a good movie. Oh really? I'll take you wherever that one, John. Yeah. That someone who's been in a good movie. You haven't seen it! You haven't seen it! Don't judge on the almost universal, critical panning. Don't judge on that Andy. When I do get to see John, which is you know, disappointing in your early days, I'd just like to be able to look you in the eye. I was hoping I'd get a copy for Christmas, but...

Yeah, you'll keep pulling Horace away from me. Ha ha ha ha ha. Come away, boy. Come away. Anyway, I'll watch it one day. There was a real sense of urgency for Israel in taking this action, as whilst they know they can count

on the Bush administration support, they are supposedly less sure about Obama, so these strikes had to take place before the 20th of January. It's like a closing down sale of a strike, Sandy. Everything must go. Of course, Bush had pledged to have a piece deal in the Middle East by the end of this year, which incredibly seems even more ridiculous now than when he first said it. And it sounded breathtakingly ridiculous then. A commentator said that his final goal has now officially

alluded him I'm not sure eluded is the right word eluded comes up the idea that he actually got close that it slipped through his fingertips I mean that's like me John my goal of winning the Brazilian Open Squash tournament last year that eluded me as well it's very very similar happens overall it did it did but you never really entered I guess that's the point. Yeah. And I don't have a racket. And the last time I played squash, I disgraced the game and the English language. A Republican update now, and it's a rebuilding time for the Republican National Committee who would acknowledge

that once the Bush administration exits to the tune of six billion sides of relief, they will need to take a long hard look at themselves. In fact, before rebuilding, they may need to do a controlled detonation after a couple of stories came out over the holidays. Because what better way, and to show the world, that you've learnt from your mistakes as a party, than a potential new party German sending out a CD of songs to supporters, including one titled, This will be a good Time to Take a Sip of Water Now, Barack the Magic Negro, and now Be a Good Time to spit that mouthful of water everywhere.

The man in question is called Chip Soltzmann. That is extremely close to your name, Andy. Is there anything you'd like to tell me? Because I'll tell you one thing. I've never seen you and Chip Soltzmann in the same room. I'm just going to assume that you're the same person until I see photographic evidence of the two of you together holding up a copy of the day's newspaper. In which case you should be ashamed of yourself Andy or Chip. Which do you prefer Chip? I've never published a CD of Christmas music. Yes, so you say Chip. It was to puff the magic dragon.

Right. The lyrics went, Barack the magic Negro lives in DC, the LA Times, they called him that, because he's not authentic like me, that doesn't even scan rhythmically. Ah, the guy, that's not my main problem with that though, let me go and record a saying that, the pentameter of that was not the key issue. Ah, the guy from the LA paper says he makes guilty whites feel good. They'll vote for him and not for me, because he's not from the hood. Hilarious and a bit of harmful fun. This is recoverable R&C, just simply condemn this and move on. What you absolutely mustn't do is support what he's done. Oh, too late.

In fact, a number of R&C members have said this might actually help him in his bid to become chairman. Oh, Republicans, sure as winter becomes spring and spring becomes summer, your slapstick moralising and general douchebaggery will grow. But perhaps their defence would be John that's negroness case is an acronym for New and Excellence Great Republican Opponents. Let's assume the best at this good world time of year. Well that is the most realistic response I've yet heard from it Andy. Or should I say chip? John, it's inevitable that Christmas that things do slip through the net or in this

case slip through a lot of nets. Almost like the fisherman didn't actually want to catch it. But it does seem that this could have been stopped at one of the many stages of the story. Whether the person who first wrote the song could have just hummed it to himself and thought, I'm going to have to keep that one inside my head. Or the person who he first played it to could have said to him, well, yeah, I mean, I see what you're trying to do. But I just think this is the 21st century. Maybe the person who suggested recording it could have thought, I know it sounds funny at the time amongst us Republicans, but I'd see in the wider public it might be frowned upon.

The musician's hard to play backing for, it could have said, hang on a minute, are those supposed to be the lyrics? Someone in that recording studio could have been, maybe said, do you want a bit less on the vocals for this? Why don't we make it an instrumental one? Take three, say nothing else, it'll fit into that rhythm. I'm sorry, we wanted to go with Afro-Caribbean,

but it just doesn't fit. And anyway, we're saying he's magic magic so surely that balances it out. And then maybe whoever was asked where they thought it was good idea to send it out as part of a CRISPR CD could have said it's not a good idea. And then whoever asked the package to see these up and post them could have said hang on it it says here on the back track one is called Barak the Magic Negro that must be a misprint. Are we going to have to have these done again? Oh you do want me to post them. So you know there are a lot of steps this could have been stopped at John on it. But it's Christmas. That's the excuse isn't it? We all know Christmas music is bad. This is just bad in a different way. Ah it's Christmas is also better than most

of the excuses that have been coming up with. Ah it's Christmas. Christmas is a racist time of year, is it? We all have our family traditions. And when they weren't supporting their potential new racist German, Republicans were lining up to criticize their two-term commander-in-chief. Republican Party officials are going to try next month to pass a resolution accusing Bush and congressional Republican leaders of embracing socialism. Wow! He has even pissed off his own party base now. His work here is nearly done.

And now, like an anti-littleist hobo, he could walk off into the sunset knowing that this was another job terribly done. He's just like the littlest hobo and he except leaving shattered families and children stuck down wells in his way. John is not just the RNC who have been making some absolutely crazy suggestions, it's the entire population of Russia who have voted that Joseph Stalin is the third greatest Russian of all time. That doesn't sound any better here in the out-louc.

He is on the podium, John, and he needs to piss in a bottle because he shouldn't be there. It is impressive to end up on the podium at all, after you've killed millions upon millions of the relatives of people voting for you. That's an admirable result. We always tend to look for the negatives, John. And in Joseph Stalin's case, we're going to have to look too hard really the negatives are pretty much smashing us in the fight with a history book. I guess, John, to our western tastes, Stalin was a bit of a tool

and apart from helping us win the war through his clever use of the traditional Russian 2-prong military tactic of overwhelming population and winter. But the Russians clearly abide by the treat the mean, keep them keen for loss of the of politics. The same poll also showed that 65% of Russians think that Siberian labour camps were actually quite fun in retrospect. 54% wouldn't mind being purged if they'd written a poem or raised the wrong kind of eyebrow or something.

And 71% of Russians think that having a massive moustache excuses genocidal tendencies. But I think what this proves, John, is that Russia as a nation drinks too much vodka. They've been drinking to forget and they have now successfully forgotten. Ha ha ha. This was all set up by a Russian TV station

and Joseph Stalin, in fact, led the way for several several months and eventually the show's producer had to come on air to appeal to people to stop voting for him and to vote for someone else. And it did just about work. Stalin ended up coming in third behind the winner, Medieval Prince Alexander Nevsky and in silver ex-Primonister, Piotr Stollepin, which is beautifully pronounced. I don't think anyone can disagree with that, is exactly how it's supposed to sound. Now, I think it's supposed to sound... Piotr Stollepin. That's good. Now, this would be a perfect time for a simile, voting for Stalin. He's like voting for... But, no, there isn't one, because let's remember, he's the biggest mass murderer in human history.

And as he was sending people to Goulag, signing death warrants and forcing the collective organization of farms, I wonder if he was thinking, this could be a real vote winner in around 60 years. I'm gonna be Captain Popular. Who's your favourite Russian of all time, John? Hard to say, Andy. I've got a soft-buffer Dostoyevsky. All right.

That man knew his way around long-winded misery. I love him. What about you? Who put his your number one? Well, Bubka. Oh, no, Bubka's up there, certainly. In terms of breaking Poulville records by one centimetre at a time. There's never been anyone better at it. Yeah, you can't look past Peter the great. I mean, he's a man who puts dwarves in cakes. That instantly puts him top of the list. That knows no nationality. That's just Peter the unbelievably great.

That knows no nationality, that's just Peter the unbelievably great. B-Gall feature section now and it's time for the annual preview of the year. This year the featured year is this year 2009. Well what a year has been so far. Frankly you're a bit of a novice when it comes to 2009. As we record this, I over here have had five hours more 2009 than you have. So don't you tell me what kind of year has been so far. I've been living it for 15% longer than you. It's my year, get out of it. Anything interesting coming up in the next five hours, I should have jumped out the way of a careering

out of control truck or anything? No, but I can tell you that if you live the same five hours that I've lived this morning, you will be disappointed by how much London transport has put up the price of a travel card. Five pounds and 90 to six pounds, 30. That's a good thing. if the same five hours that I've lived this morning, you will be disappointed by how much London transport has put out the price of a travel card. Five pounds and ninety to six pounds, 30.

That is a gigantic new year, right off to passengers. And also they will justify this by not running any f**king trains on the way here. Anyway. So in terms of what we're looking forward to over the year ahead, Andy. Rob Pagoyovich losing his position as governor of Illinois, I think he's going to be sent to jail, although he will strenuously

deny that that has happened. And the people of Illinois will elect O.J. Simpson to be their new governor. They just love a bad lad. In the world of sport, I think Placks go beret, he's going to shoot himself in the other leg with an 18th century French cannon. That he carries into a nightclub in his Bermuda shorts. In politics, Gordon Brown, John, he's already Britain's most popular prime minister since Tony Blair. And I think he'll continue on an upwards curve as the economy sinks further and further into the Maya.

Because as we discussed before, Brown's popularity has soared the worst things have got. This soaring is relative. He's kind of soared like a punted penguin. It's really just a question of whether when he kicks the penguin he got enough spire on the whole thing to kick to keep it flying upwards until election time I don't like it Andy I don't like I don't like the image you never kick a penguin I like that I like them but those flights

but I politics you do what you have to no I'm distancing myself from that joke camping well that's what you'll never be prime minister and brown as at the balls to kick a penguin and that's what you know never be prime minister and Brown has had the balls to kick a penguin. And that's why he's a hard-mosed operator. And that's what people have respected the facts. At a difficult time, he picked up a penguin and he f**ked it.

And that's shame on you. In other future news, and President Obama will completely fail to bring peace to the Middle East, completely fail to solve the global economic crisis, and completely fail to reverse global warming in his first 30 days leading to America wondering what all the fuss was about. Well I guess in US politics on 2009 means only one thing that it's under four years until

the 2012 presidential campaign. Who's your money on, John? It's pretty depends if you go for an emotional cover bit Andy. Right, because obviously you don't want Pail' to run, get the candidacy or the presidency in any form. So, it's just whether you want to put money on that to pay for your ticket out of the country if it happens. Right. That sounds racist, John. You just don't like it because she's white. My money's on John McCain. I think third time lucky. And he's going to have breast-alls

paylin' this is running away. And also, 2009 is going to be the year when Hugo Chavez turns against himself as a whore of America after accidentally going a whole week without slagging off the USA when he got a cold, spent a couple of days in bed and then got engrossed in a really good novel. Chavez will then hound himself out of office in a bloodless coup, replacing himself as President with himself, and then prosecuting himself for insufficient America baiting now a federal offenseence under Venezuela's way act law. President Bush's presidential library plans will be

revealed this year. I will be one empty room other than a lazy boy in a giant plasma screen showing non-stop ESPN. Truly he was the people's president. And it's going to be tough year for the world economy again, John. After so many banks collapsed in 2008, I think there'll probably be quite a lot of new ones sprouting up this year and I'm hoping to set up a bugle bank with a bugle discredit card which you can use to lampoon any retailer who accepts it. Now I think I've got a few tips for how the world's economy can get back on track in 2009. Well, interest rates plummeting now, I think this could be the time for people to take up roulette, the odds are similar to leaving money in the bank,

but it's more fun and easy to impress girls and or boys by sticking your bucket money on 17, then it is to tell them that the free sports hold-all you got for opening a low interest current account. So take up roulette, there's a number of investment opportunities in this credit crunch. Cheese companies, I think you should invest in them, because cheese always sells well in tough times, as people seek to give themselves nightmares to make the days seem more bearable. So the stronger the better, the bugle tip is go blue. Hardcore blue cheeses are set to be the go-to pre bedtime snack in 09. Also by beer shares, the beer industry is going to be buoyed by the no wine in 09 advertising campaign and beer sales rock it as people have even less to live for.

But make sure you sell your beer shares before the year end when the wine industry hits back with Don't Drink Beer 2010 is here. So those are those, that's where you should put your money this year. Whilst in literature in 2009, the key event of the year is going to be the eagerly awaited publication of Donald Rumsfeldt's book, The Publishing Event of the Year, Can the hard-nosed, icy-sold four-time shyster of the year make the transition to Chick-Lit. The former

hawkish Defense Secretary's debut novel High Heels and Handbags, described by publishers as a single woman's journey to retail equilibrium, is set to split the crowd and critics alike. And also, Marmou Dom and Dinajajad, the Iranian leader, is releasing a children's book called Dickey Dinosaur on the Great Satan. It's New Year John and therefore it's also time for the Bugle New Year's Honours for 2009. We'll be dispensing the Bugle Nighthuds and with it the right to demand a joke, on demand in a personal podcast from one or both of me and John. And the Nighths go to the following people. George W. Bush is now Sir George W. Bush in the bugle. For having the dignity and grace

to acknowledge that global public opinion has finally turned against him and to step down with dignity after eight long years in the job. Also a knighthood to Mickey Dolan's, the former monkey strumber and no time or gust of master's golf champion, he gets his knighthood for not acting like Robert McGarby. Well done, he's an inspiration to Robert McGarby. And finally, cyclists Sir Chris Hoy also receives a bugle knighthood to add to his real knighthood for services to cycling fast around a banked indoor track.

John in this day and age, someone has to do it. And that someone is him, arise Sir Sir Chris Hoy. He was understandably overwhelmed by being made a night of the realm. He's placed a do whatever he can and that whenever the queen requires someone to cycle fast around a banked indoor track in Britain or indeed anywhere else in the British Empire, he will be that man. He will do his downlifts to do his bit for the nation and a special press conference on New Year's Day. Sir Chris surrounded by the private militia which he is now entitled to as a night

said, I know nights have special powers. Some likes a Walter Rally discover comment on New Year's Day, Sir Chris, surrounded by the private militia which he is now entitled to as a night said. I know nights have special powers. Some likes a Walter Rally, discover potatoes and tobacco, or as we know them today, chips and cigarettes, bringing valuable revenue to the treasury, and important work to the NHS. Others likes a Winston Churchill, beat evil fascist regimes in wars and save the democratic world while smoking big cigars and getting hammered every night. But I, Sir Chris Hoy of Highland, will cycle fast around a banked indoor track, wherever and whenever my nation needs, requires or just wants me to do so.

I just hope the massive new fur-lined robes I have to wear as the night don't create too much wind resistance and affect the cyclodynamism of my carefully calibrated bike. Anyway, God save the coin. I would happily wrap myself around her cranks. Should she ever snap the royal bicycle chain whilst doing a wheelie at Sandrigham to entertain Prince William. For I'm a knight of the Velotrome. And without wanting to be velodramatic about it,

I can cycle faster around a banked indoor track than any of you f**king robber. Rapping yourself around her crankset. That really does sound like a euphemism, Andy. It's not John. It's just a standard part of bicycle terminology. Your email's now and an email comes in here and he from Patrick Shannon and he says, dear Oliver the damned and Zoltman the glorious. Yes! B bingo double tops. That was a good result for you and the bad loss for me Well, though he has felt damned DA double MED

Yes, I suggest you are gonna be used as a hydroelectric power research He goes on to say I just want to tell you for a start It's it's pronounced Merry Christmas not happy Christmas for fake pronounced it right also I have to nominate the American flag as a hot-tea from history. It has a long and proud history and is by far the greatest flag ever conceived by a man. I've been copied by countries like Liberia, Chile, Malaysia and a shitload of other countries, non-arkened name without being guaranteed a one-way ticket to hell. Also, I have to say, the spelling in this so far is absolutely reprehensible. And he says, in fact, even the UK copied our colours,

even though you must say it makes no sense, trust me, it makes sense. And silly Patrick Shannon, PS, I swear to God, if you don't do the hot-teaser history roundup, I'll find both of you and kill you. Well, the news for you, Patrick, is once again bad news for you. And it sounds like even worse news for us. We're not having time. we've overrun already next week We're going to move the hottest mystery into into a feature section Which will encourage us not to keep bumping it when we overrun

So next week will be the hottest from history feature to close it. So Patrick, please give us a stay of execution for seven days Have a heart Patrick. It's new year. Thank you all of those who sent in congratulations and good wishes to my new baby, including this from Anne Anderson, who writes cooking tips. What the placenta went in the bin, Andy with a little fourth orts

and canned marinara sauce and a complete lack of human decency, you really could have saved yourself some shopping and greeted your lovely wife with a home-gook meal from this selection of recipes and there's a link to a selection of placenta recipes on the internet. Remember if you attempt the placenta spaghetti bowl and aes, be sure not to overheat the butter in which to brown the placental meat or it will burn and make the whole dish less appetising. Also try not to get one of the membranes or a big undercut vein stuck between your teeth. Will you please stop it?

And she concludes, John, if Andy ever invites you over for mock deliverer and onions, say no. Done and done. So do keep your emails and hotties coming into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk And brace yourself for next week hotties from history, feature section 2009. Mercy Patrick, please mercy. Sport now and two massive highlights in the world of sports. Firstly, Australia getting absolutely pumped at cricket, losing a series at home for the first time in 16 years to the joy of everyone who likes crickets and is not Australian.

That is slightly tempered by the fact that it was South Africa who beat a great day for cricket. So more important, much more important than that's in terms. Much more important. There is a genuine landmark. Well, it's one of the great achievements in the whole of sport. The Detroit Lions have done it. They did it. Owen 16, the first time, Miami shame on you. Your pitiful one and 15 efforts will now be lost to history. Owen 16, they said it couldn't be done. They said it shouldn't be done to a city on the edge of complete economic meltdown. They were wrong Andy. Well, one achievement this is John, it took months of preparation, intensive effort

and tactical self-harm to achieve this. Studying opposition plays and making sure they did absolutely nothing to stop them, deliberately dropping key balls or running straight off the field. Just doing everything in their power to minimise the chances of a win, they blindfolded their own quarterback in one game. They poisons their defensive lines half-time ice cream and a game where they were leading a half-time. And also, stage when it looked like they might sneak a victory, they brought on a 1930s green leather chest to field sofa as running back. And also there were rumors that their own players had taken little yellow flags and were throwing flags on their own plays and penalising themselves. But they did it John, they did it for us. They did it

for the people of Detroit who were suffering so badly to realize that, yes, their local economy might be going down the pan, but it's still better than their football team. They have reached for the stars, John, and they've burnt their fingers off in a supernova of ineptitude. An inspiration to the world to you, to me,

it's just great that, John, if you, me, and a collection of our British friends who've never played American football, got together, we could and almost certainly would have ended the NFL season with the same record as a professional team. That is in sparring. Just time for the bugle forecasts and the forecast is, John by this time next week, will either of these two things have happened? A, peace in the Middle East? Yes or no? No. No.

Well, that is actually the book he's favourite. Yeah. And will Patrick Shannon have tracked us down and killed us? I'm not doing the hotties around like this week. Well, I want to say 100% no Andy, but you know I read that email, there's latent fury in it. Yeah. Now there is occasional misspelling of a psychotic. Yeah.

There's certainly the lack of punctuation of someone who is prepared to take life. I just think it's easy. If it was in green pen, we'd be worried. Just because it's coming in email doesn't mean that this false complacency here. Well, Douglas, we hope we're still alive to talk to you next week. If not, you'll be here in issue one of Patrick Shannon's The Beagle. 5 cars with other engines.

Bye bye. Cheerio and Happy New Year! N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-