The Bugle - Does Boris think he's Scarface?

Episode Date: July 8, 2022

Andy, Alice and Mark go all in on the one story to dominate the UK this week, the (sort of) end of Boris Johnson's premiership (if they can ever get his new furniture out).Our 15th Birthday Special Tour is coming to the UK and Ireland this year: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/liveThere's no ads in this show, thanks to you! Cast some cents and pennies our way: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateThis episode was written and presented byAndy ZaltzmanAlice FraserMark SteelAnd produced by Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello Bugleers and welcome to issue 4,235 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world with me and his ultimate here in London where not for the first time in the history of our esteemed radio chronicle of the known universe politics has been happening this week and without wishing to give a spoiler as to what may be coming up later in this week show. Yes! Joining me in no fewer than three dimensions right here in my house to discuss the dramatic events of this week and whether there has ever been a clearer definition of the meaning of

the word inevitable. I have Alice Fraser and Mark Steele. Well, it's been an interesting week, isn't it? It's, yeah, and I find myself actually really, really, I mean, generally, generally, on the side of Boris Johnson on this one, because I feel that most politicians, as we know, they have principles when they go into politics and they abandon them. But I don't think Boris did that. I think he started out as a self-serving narcissistic sociopathic f***ing lunatic, compulsive lying shit face f***ing horror of a set-bit of a barrel of filth. And I think he stayed true to that right to the end. I think we should come in

and play. I mean this is the thing like he was an unkempt self-indulgent greedy obnoxious mass murdering bastard who like... Mass murdering. Sorry. Sorry, it's great to that. I'll go back. He's an unwanted man in almost exactly the way a man on a wanted poster is an unwanted man. But it turns out that letting people die through smug negligence, grift, nepotism and incompetence isn't arrestable in the same way as driving a bus full of pensioners off a cliff is. Even if, in this instance, many more pensioners than a bus load died suffocated by their own lungs and those deaths can be traced directly back to your incompetent self-insert erotic Churchill fanfiction. And you think of that you think of Churchill you think yes

he was an unkempt self-indulgent greedy obnoxious mass murdering bastard who saved us from the Nazis and the bit of that I'm going to try and cosplay is all the bits I said minus the Nazis because I'm friends with some of them. Yes there's no redeeming qualities that's quite a quality isn't it? I mean, he literally, he hasn't actually resigned. He said he will resign. Yes, this is the key. I mean, I don't know if he's plotting some kind of miraculous, I mean, it feels a bit like, you know, one of those horror movies, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, on that night, if you were in Britain, I don't know, it was like elsewhere, but I mean, were, I mean it was that night, it was sort of like this earlier,

just where you went, oh, let's put the tent, come, quick, quick, quick, quick, the cat run, come, the tent, like it was like a big sport and even, put it on and it was just, oh he sat, go over that, I thought, you're just gonna sit around and people, I've now sat more in, who works in the great cleaners,

she's a sneak, just had me think, this is, there was a point, people I've now sat more in who works in the great cleaners. Jesus, sneak. Just the only thing. You're this is got there was a point when he said I'm not resigning. I thought I was so happy. You know, this goes on now for another. He's going to end up with you crawling out to the roof of Downing Street like Al Pacino with covered in co-carned

in a few Doris. But shit sounds. You can leave him alone. He's the best prime minister we've ever had. You fucking traitors and he's gonna be... I still... I guess I am gonna take him out. I do not think that that's out of the picture. I think he ended with him up the top of Big Ben with Carrie under one arm,

swatting at helicopter's, just refusing to leave. My favourite bit of it was the Tory MPs like stumbling when the Rhinings on the wall they were like so quickly trying to get their resignations in before he resigned. Yes, some actually missed a some resigned after he'd already announced that he was going good because I don't think technically counted to the overall tally. No, I don't know. Right, as a right, it was still coming in. I was, oh no, I think it was just, it was just fantastic in to tie all of those resignations. I now, I just with great sadness that I must, that I can no longer work on eyes. It's been my honor, it's been my pride and honour to work alongside somebody that I now realise

is a relentlessly sociopathic narcissist and it is with great sadness that I can no longer continue to serve alongside someone who is the most morally reprehensible person, a fruit bat in all capacities. And I shall miss working with him. For years, I have been following gallons of karma. Now at last, it's a complete meager my stomach. Yes, but I wasn't my karma in a movie. I'm coming to a movie.

I'm coming to a movie. You're coming to a movie. He literally said thems the break. Oh, yes. Now, this was interesting. So, let's just go over some of the time line. I mean, the time line, alright. What happened before Johnson ended up,

hold up in a bunker, realizing it was all over. You picked the wrong World War II lady, you idiot. LAUGHTER After, so, he basically gone from Greece pick to Hoggroast. In 48 hours of chaos. And I was kind of a appropriate way for in 48 hours of chaos. And I was kind of a appropriate way for his three years of chaos, because he fundamentally does have an almost, it's almost a fundamentalist belief

in mayhem as a political philosophy. So it was kind of a appropriate way for it to reach its, well, sort of its end, as you say, but it's not quite the end yet. But after all the previous scandals, the incompetencies, the immorality, the hogwashings, and the deeds and words that in simpler times would have resulted in him being, well, I don't know, given the debenture

and not particularly luxurious room in the Tower of London, he was finally brought down by a mixture of sexual misconduct and bullshit, which seemed appropriate. The sexual misconduct was not his, our allegations of sexual impropriety against Chris Pincher, the deputy chief whip, which is a fancy term for assistant school bully, and Johnson falsely claimed he'd not been aware of previous similar allegations, and sent his underling ministers out to falsely claim those false claims. And that seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's one remaining fragment of intact vertebra.

I mean, quite a... Well, that camel has taken a lot of it. That camel, is it? Is it I? That's scaffolding on there. I don't think that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I think the vote of no confidence was them, like, they voted for him with the understanding that he'd take the hint in the way that previous Prime Minister has resigned for far less,

having even called the vote of no confidence, is a sufficient for them to be like, take the hint and leave. So he's like, this is not the straw that broke the camel's back, this is the straw dropped onto Wiley Coyote, who is already far out over the edge of the cliff, and just hasn't realized that there's no ground that they're in the middle. Yes, maybe, yeah. I think probably, well I thought he was stuffed. The moment, either, oh, all honesty was when Ant and Dick were doing those jokes in the, I'm a celebrity in Austria and the pie is, I thought, wow, this is really, if you think Mr Johnson, that this is only the Westminster bubble and Ant and Dick who were not, well, I suppose it was, no, probably wasn't in Australia last year, but in the next few years. The more mainstream than a horny salmon.

Exactly, exactly. And they were doing jokes all the way through about Boris Johnson's parties and they'd made a little t-shirt with folk Boris. And all of the first contestant for next year's already been announced. For your stuff, once that's become the norm. But it's taken that long for it to permeate through and the booing at the Jubilee as well and so there is a bit even with that even with the Chris Pinter thing I've said the grope sex pest man I couldn't have known about the grope sex pest and then it turns out oh you did know and you don't you know if he had carried on he on even still now. I can't have known. I can't have known at the time, because at the time I was a pelican.

I was in a pond, I was catching fish, and until we've had an investigation and tuned back into the transformation from pelican, I can't possibly say. It's like, no, that's all 40, you know, that's where it just can't possibly say. And he's like, no that's all 40, you know, that's what just can't stop lying. And no matter how much he's caught he just got. And even now, then was the brakes, just bad luck. What bad luck, then was the brakes. Just I said I wasn't at a party that I was at

and then it turned out I was at it. What, I was gonna account for luck like that? I mean, the brakes. Them's the brakes, it's time referring to random acts of misfortune and the fact that. If you knew where the brakes were, he wouldn't have driven quite so far into clown town. I mean, it's like, you know, you have a, you know,

a process of min bars. You screw all the cock on balls on it, on it, an indelible marker pen. You then smash it with a five iron and you're an eight-on-ish shattered remnant and say, I'm afraid your vars has suffered somewhat unfortunate physics. It's not the brakes. It's not the brakes. You draw the drew the cock and bulls, although it's on film.

You then announce that there's going to be an investigation into who dropped the drew the cock and bulls and that until you, because I might not, it's possible that there's going to be an investigation into who dropped the Drew the Cocker Balls and that until you because I might not it's possible that why not me I might be Shirley Bassier, let the beat go and then you say it be really really bad to go all about the bars at the moment because we should draw a line under it because there's a war in you crying. Yes, that's not politicized our politics, shall we? I mean, the upside of the keyest arm is clearly hired a better joke writer. He said it's like the sinking ship leaving the rat.

Yeah, yeah, that was a good joke. Yeah, he said that. And then the other one, the charge of the lightweight brigade. Yeah, yeah. I reckon he's hired one of my friends in the comedy scene. Oh, I think he's going to make out his head. I think I once got asked to write some jokes for a Labour politician. Did you? Yes, I said no, but which one was it? It was one of the millibands. I remember which one. I was called. I've loved jokes for Corbin.

I've loved jokes for Corbin. Oh, forgot about that. He did, he did work. I thought of it. So it was when he was pictured on a virgin train. It was a picture sitting on a virgin train when he was leader of the Labour Party and there was a picture of it. And this is the state of Britain's train service. People are just sat everywhere

and all that crowded trains. And so I, because I'd agreed to do a joke, is opening joke. And then I'll just sat there in the kitchen thinking, what am I gonna do? Is he gonna go to the conference? Why am I done? And then I thought, oh, I've got it.

I thought he'll start the speech, start his speech by saying, it's marvelous to see this room absolutely packed, although Virgin trains have assured me that I actually six hundred empty seats. That'd be bad. And then, as soon as I sent it to him, and they were, that got a thing from his office,

this is perfect. And I have never been so nervous. I was watching the telegun, don't fuck it up, don't fuck. And did he fucking up? No, no, no, he's just... He's just everything after that. He's just everything after that. Yeah, I mean, did system extraordinary things

in his resignation speech for those who missed it. What can you guess, which of the following was in there? Humility, contrition, remorse, and acceptance of responsibility for the predicament he, his party, his government, his country, find themselves in, maybe an acceptance of the flaws and mistakes that have led to his precipitous downfall. Or was it arrogance, recrimination, blame, delusion,

and piffle? Yes, correct, it was option to see. To be fair, the same qualities that one in the leadership, one in the general election, and one in gold member status in the International Association of Wilfully Devised of Politicians and Rampant Egotists, he didn't even say that he'd resigned. He just sort of talked around it and blamed the party.

And he talked this bizarre stuff about the herd. The herd instant. He said, when the herd moves, it moves. Which is true, but if you are standing behind the herd, firing a rifle in the air, wearing a lion outfit, it's more likely to move. He was standing, as he gave the speech behind the lecture, in the sport at the UK's National Crest,

which features a lion and a unicorn. And I don't think i've ever seen more appropriate a creature renowned for inflicting its own aggressive nature on others in a brutal and often terminal way and something entirely made up i mean that's i don't mean it's always been appropriate for us as a nation but even more so when he when he said the herd i kept thinking is this the herd that he thinks is getting immune is this is this the immune herd that he's talking about? This is a different herd. He's a herd of the just immune. Yeah, they're just...

I mean, I thought he was quite aggressive in that speech about that I'm not accepting any responsibility for any of this. We're only a few who said behind the polls and I think he honestly believes it. And I bet he's sitting there right now thinking, no, there's still a chance, there's still a point of King Morgh. Well, one has to accept that. And I think that's probably what they're talking about.

And can't you incant some lathe and summon up some spirits or something? Is it possible that Jacob Reesmogg could stand for leadership, but then allow Boris Johnson to use his skin. He wouldn't fit. No, it'd be all very, very, very flabby, wouldn't it? Jacob Reesmold's got a skinny creature, isn't he?

He said it was eccentric to remove him now, which is true. I mean, it would have been less eccentric to remove him now, which is true. I mean, it would have been less eccentric to remove him after three minutes in 10 downing streets saying, you've had your fun, you've fulfilled your life, don't go, now let the fucking adults do their jobs. They really are the burden, Ernie of British politics. You've got Morg with his sort of tall head and Boris with his round head. Just don't trust them to understand any of the common meanings of words.

Like I think they live in this obscure fantasy land where food security is that thing where you're a baby and you have food in one hand but you insist on having food in the other hand before you'll eat the food you're having one hand. And that's the the crisis that they think is facing the nation. These stands out amongst all the people who went to boarding school from the age of four and were then sent to Eaton and were told that you by dint of your own birthright will be a supreme leader and you are superior to all the people in the world who haven't been born into your family line. Even amongst that demographic, he was a c*****.

The part of the resignation was, I mean particularly for me and my, I've been immersed this summer in my other job as a cricket statistician with just numbers floating in front of my eyes and just seeing the total of the resignations topping up was, but that was, that was glorious from a stats point of view. It began with two of his most senior cabinet ministers resigned on Monday, Chancellor of the Exchequerous,issi Sunak and Health Secretary, Sadia Jove, and that sparked a deluge, as we're talking about, of resignations of other ministers and government affairs.

Sorry. Can't spark a deluge as fire and water. You're too different. Well, there are no rules anymore, Alice. And during the course of this on Wednesday, had to face a grilling by a parliamentary committee. And this was kind of, so at the time, his cabinet was collapsing.

He was facing questions saying, oh, he's still going to be prime minister tomorrow. But they're also like really kind of forensic questioning about government policies. And this highlighted his frankly, almost heroic lack of attention to detail and grasp of policy. And it did sort of highlight

how even without these ethical and behavioural issues, he is still harrowingly unfit for office. He managed to cling onto the following morning when the resignations reached the half-century mark, sparking another deluge of... Did he spark a little round of applause? Did he... Was it a candle? A cricket 50. And the five-it, first-door private secret, which is the deputy minister of transport and resigned. And that brings up the 50, so Johnny Well-done, to Marcia Fairfield.

It was really the team television, because at the same time as he was being grilled, this number was totting up. So there's a little bit of that thing where that woman who tweeted that, like, Marley racist tweet was in the air and getting fired and everyone was just watching to see the Shard and Freud when she landed and realised that she'd ruined her life with an ill-time tweet. And it had a little bit of that of him, is anyone keeping

him up to date on the fact that it's all crumbling out from under his feet? I think there is a Shard and Freud's a very busy this week. A shadow minister. But it's exorio, he's broke the rules of all chains, haven't they? So you're right. So that even that thing would have normally, with someone going, I don't know, oh, it's decent. I'm thinking somebody would do with Ireland. No, it is actually do with Canada Prime Minister.

And it's all the same that people, anyway, who ever it is, who's down in jail or something. they're not in jail, they're actually the head of the International Manage of Units, yes, they're the person, anyway, I was drawing a picture of a poo-bine while you were listed, but that was the economic forecast the next year. Yes, well, fuck them all, that is quite a the... And now we've just got used to that. Yeah, yeah, it's like the weaker he becomes, the stronger he becomes. He's like a flasher with a humiliation fit. She gives you the thrice on being told to f**k off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's gonna happen, isn't it? Do you watch the odds of him getting through these next two months without flashing? I didn't flash, it wasn't my penis. He's under-investigated, I cannot. My favourite resignation, which is quite a long list actually, was the Education Secretary, Michelle Dunlund, who resigned after less than two days in the job. Oh, yes, that was a premium.

Making her actually argue me the most effective education secretary in the past 12 years of conservative rule, based on the simple mathematical equation of benefits brought minus damage done. I think that makes an all-time cry. I did not demonstrate her ability to learn a lesson. Yes, I did notice to be fair to her about 20 hours into a tenure that education started improving quite a lot.

I think she was doing a really, really excellent job. It's a shy, really, I miss her. Is this not perhaps a lesson for the future that really all we need for Cabinet Ministers is just a series of two-day appointments so no one has the time to do too much damage. My favorite bit about the broadcast was the fact that the activists outside the House of Parliament playing Yacchety Sex, the Benny Hill theme music. Apparently inspired by a tweet by Hugh Grant. So it became the soundtrack of the Tories' humiliation in front of all of the world's news services.

I just feel like, if only to me, hitherto, inexplicably, the appeal of Hugh Grant has been completely, has passed me by. But if that appeal had been based on giving activism tactic advice, rather than being a like a bumbling floppy authorial insert in his Hollywood heart throb days, I might have understood the point of Hugh Grant enough to do for the robbing myself.

I was very much in his favour. I was watching it with my son and he suggested we get a little whiskey so we did that. And we were watching it and then that. I was sort of on the bit of shame really because I was sort of trying to listen to whatever that bloke was going to say which is completely of no consequence. And then my family just went, they're playing the penny-ill music. Oh, so British and so entertaining. There was another highlight of that song in the TV coverage. The evening before when all the cabinet ministers were going in to tell him to go with at least some vague vestiges of dignity.

And I think it was Nadine Dohery's walk down. I do that thing where they shout questions across the road and not whenever I answer someone they say, I was like, oh, is he going to resign? Are you going to resign? I think it's the one of the journalists out there. How many children has he got? I don't know.

That moment just kind of summed up. The John Sonian regime. And now they're letting him stay on that. Yeah, well, this is so, so as we said, yeah, he's, he's said he's going to, well, he's no longer leader of the conservative. He's stepped down as leader of the conservative body. So he's going to, well he's no longer leader of the conservative, he's stepped down as leader of the conservative body, so he's interim prime minister until the Tories have a new leader which is likely to be in early September. So he's kind of two months serving out his notice and I had one job in my life. I had to do a month serving out my notice and I have to say I wasn't fully focused on the job in

hand. I spent a lot of time doing crosswords and I may have emerged with some branded pens. What was the job? I was so happy. I was so better to a business publishing house in my pretty comedy days. I think this is what he's been shooting for the entire time. This is his perfect job. He is called Prime Minister, and yet he is not even allowed to do the job itself. You're not allowed to make any big changes

if you're into Prime Minister. So I think this is what he's been waiting for all along, just being... Prime Minister in a purely ceremonial way. Yeah, being just having the credit or none of the work. Dutchy of Lancaster, you know, Duke of Cornwall or something. So if you can then stretch out the Tory leadership election for, say, 10 years. Yeah, that's life-long, greenful field.

BELL RINGS It's a strange thing to leave him, you would think that right we have we have come to terms with the fact that the person who has been the Prime Minister is a sociopath, serial, compulsive liar that there is no restraint upon him whatsoever that there is nothing that can be done that can stop him being a dangerous maniac. So you can only be prime minister for another two months. Now, do you promise? Not to do anything bad. Do you promise? He is exactly the kind of lunatic who'll get into a modern car and not plug his seat belt in and then ignore the beeping.

Like ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for the borrower strangen. He just, I cannot understand somebody who will stay longer than they are welcome. As somebody who leaves things regularly that I am welcome at for the fear that I might suddenly become unwelcome. Well, I've had gigs where I've definitely stayed way beyond the point of being welcome. He compares himself. That's what it'd be like a comic.

Yeah. Exactly. That is the equivalent, isn't it? The whole room, you're doing some, somewhere a bit tricky, like at the comedy store, and the whole room, as they've asked you to leave, they've left, there's some of them are coming in and screaming at you to go. I've been trying to say, yeah,

then now it's, I am carrying on. I've got to carry on with this show. I am not going to go along with your erding stings. And then they're burning, they're setting fire to the place, the army of surrounded the place. You know what, I'm sacking you. That bloke who left 20 minutes ago, I'm sacking you. He compared himself to a Japanese army officer who refused to surrender at the end of the Second World War and didn't emerge from the Philippine jungle until 29 years later. Now this to me sounds like a TV reality show we could easily crowdfund. So I mean I'm sure you're chipping quite a bit for that one you've borrassed on side of the Philippines 30 years jungle for 29 years. How can I still think he's

fighting the Americans? Yeah, yeah, or handing a personal letter from the Emperor, Japan. So perhaps for that. But it's got my new one's kind of weird at the consensus. He's he can't be trusted to lead their party, but they will let him run the country for another too much A nuclear power That's does show exactly where the well-being of the United Kingdom is Yes, he's secretly hoping that Russia will bond the UK Yeah, definitely, I'm going to say on Definitely, yes, and I think that there's every chance that

What we now, 4,021 of the bugle that 4,027 will take place in a bunker. Because he's, oh, God, that's, well, there we go, that's what's happening. One of the candidates, Liz Truss, I mean, Pew, he said that when he put his nuclear arms on high alert, it was because of a speech by Liz Truss. And I thought thought I can take huge the human race as a species coming to an end after I have a million years

it's been I can just accept that but let it not be because of Liz that's what brought allisation to its final conclusion. In analysing the legacy of Johnson, he's, I think it's fair to say, had a decent amount of criticism from across the political spectrum. Andrew Neal in the New York Times wrote, no other Prime Minister in the long history of Britain's parliamentary democracy has been so prepared to sacrifice the governance of the nation to save his own skin. That is Mr Johnson's special achievement. That's not a ringing endorsement for someone who's essentially on the same side of the political cease or and a lot of people

are already out, he delivered Brexit and he did deliver Brexit in the same way that I delivered my son just upstairs when we were recording this, in fact, incompetently. I got away with it just by not knowing what the f*** I was doing. But that's not... Yes, I did, but I guess the key to thing is delivered something. Yes, you've got... I did, well, yeah, that was, I took a report on it and on the bugle, I was world exclusive in fact, just three less legs for back in 2008. June, the final day of the Chennai Test match when India chased down 380 to be England, of course, just put that in some kind of historical perspective for you, Mark. But, you know, but delivering it, that's not getting it done, is it? That's, that's, you know,

being present while delivering itself. Yes, and also, And also, you've then got to bring it up. And that seems to be with Brexit. That's all people want, it was just its birth. And then it would be allowed to grow up feral in the woods. And also, I guess, my son, Johnson, did have input in the process by which Brexit was eventually born. I had one very little input in the process by which Brexit was eventually born. I don't know, I had one very little input in that process. So he leaves intensely disliked by a huge proportion of the public,

which is never a problem under our first path of post-electro system. But what became a problem for Johnson who did have, you know, and still probably has intense support from a core of Johnsonian loyalists, was that, you know, unluckily for him as Prime Minister, you have to do more than just whiteron, which is really his one core skill. Obviously it is still a part of the job, but people tend to take a little more notice of your whiterings and also you then have to actually do stuff which is where the whole thing falls apart.

So who will follow Johnson? It appears to be gearing up to be something like a 12-cornered shit fight between various candidates from different parts of the conservative political swamp. Liz Truss, you mentioned, who, according to Daily Mail, is going to pitch herself as the female Boris Johnson, which is not something I think anyone wants to think about it. It's going to take a fortnight to whittle down the long list to what the Tory members of Parliament concluded the least unelectable to. And to put in context the nature of this field, Dominic Robbe felt that he had to announce that he's not going to be in the running, rather

that everyone just safely assume me. And I think that revealed quite a lot. Could they all stand and vote for themselves? And it's just one. They all get one. What's this? What does this look like from outside, Alice? If you're sort of from...

As an Australian, we roll over our politicians incredibly quickly. So I'm not so much surprised at the fact that he's out as surprised by the fact that it's taking so long. I mean, in Australia, you can have eight prime ministers between breakfast and lunchtime. I thought they lasted. And I was more reasoning. I mean, that's different. He was the longest for a while. He was the longest for a while, but that was because they had to prove that they weren't stabbing each other in the back constantly in order to regain the trust of the public before

betraying it again. It was a whole thing. Right. It's a broad choice between proven incompetence, flagrantly inadequate and delusional egotists. And in those times, you think about the Boris Johnson was a kind of unity candidate for the conservatives, for those qualities that they often look for. Also some back benches who've never held cabinet positions up against cabinet ministers who've paraded their failings for years. It could be an interesting choice. Home Secretary Pretty Patel may be running.

You might find out that saying you're going to catapult people through a window doesn't work for all areas of politics. Jeremy Hunt, former health secretary and Marmalade exporter, he could be in the running. Well, what a marvelous sort of populist touch he got, he made it like doctors, these people are known for their extraordinary ability to become and happy under all new go people, they have got people going in the go, I don't know why I'm going to fire them and all that okay if you just like to sit down and see it just let's have a look at this they stay calm under all situations and Jeremy Hunt managed to make those people go, you f**king evil piece of dog shit!

Why are you f**king cashima f**king filthy these even tires come? Okay, if you just like to do that. So that's not good. And he's one of the sensible ones. Yes. And a whole thing is all gets chosen. This is a thing. So for people listening to one, British, I mean, you must think, what is this system?

A hundred thousand members of the Conservative Party will now choose the Prime Minister and That the average member of the Conservative Party is 86 and lives in a village and wants to get India back And thinks that And thinks that lesbianism has been conjured up by the devil, and these people are going to choose the concern, these people who think that rice is something evil and foreign. I choose the Prime Minister. I'm going to choose the Prime Minister. I remember when Johnson took over from Theresa May,

delving into the stats and it was I can't remember exactly but it was something like only eight or nine of the last 35 Prime Ministers and Spolitics sort of took its modern form have come to power for the first time having one a general election. There's been a lot of people taking over midterms I think I included you know coalition formations and things, but it's quite rare actually for a new prime minister to come in by winning an election. They said I'm subsequently win. Yeah, that's from Blair were two and Cameron. Cameron came in but in coalition. But they actually haven't been that many, so we have to have this great tradition of de-fenestrating leaders midterm.

Another candidate, Penny Morden, former cabinet minister, was listed as favourite in the betting, you'll bet on anything these days. And the Times newspaper, and it's kind of collected profile of potential leaders, chose to use a photograph of Penny Morden in a swimming costume from a TV show, Grisplash, which you did in 2016. Despite the being copious, quantities of photographs of Penny Morden wearing things that are not swimming

costumes, because why miss a chance to do mean women in politics when it is there for you? It was a curious piece of editorial choice from the Times. Elstridge, hardly bark slate, could be standing the junior minister for distracting from the real issues. He set to throw his extremely top hat into the ring. He's pledged to act as a continuity chaos candidate, boasting a long record of administrative uselessness and a complete inability to concentrate.

So that could be one for Johnson Law, Least. Frobish of Prantleburn, the MP for Western Weston, Snuttershire promises to get Brexit done every day for the next 100 years by signing a daily declaration of taking back control at 9am every morning. Bunti Klack, the sub-minister for un-costored promises and the Treasury, it's thought to be ruminating an explanatory campaign. She was behind the very popular COVID campaigns in the wake of eatouts or helpouts, including free the tipple, which offered a free drink in any pub. The sub campaign have a stout for now. And of course, cows on credit, encouraging people to start their own self-sufficient micro-farms, with the offer of a free cow in exchange

for a pint of milked and I did to a local charity at some point in the next 20 years. Other candidates include A Void, which I mean, I think, you know, I've said this many times before, an actual void could be. I've got at least three people listed in my phone contact as that. Could be something that brings the Conservative Party together detoxifies the brand Margaret Thatcher, the Tory Spiritual Media and Lord Glock and Rod claims to be able to communicate with the former Prime Minister. And, well, rising in the betting quickly, Queen Elizabeth the Second, which I think.

Well, we are at a point where, especially when Srinas Prince Charles said that his rumour to have said that the Rwanda policy sending people to Rwanda, I mean, Simon C. Srinas to Rwanda, he said to he was pulling, pulling ghastly. And that means that, when you think about that, that's where we're at. Three hundred and sixty years ago, there was a civil war in which we moved forward after a mighty battle in which there ended up

being a compromise so that the royal family didn't have absolute power they had to sort of share it much more with parliament and 360 years later we're now at a point where if the royal family took power away from parliament that would be a move to the left. LAUGHTER The, um, yes, but she should, I mean, she must, she can't like him, can she? She must, I bet she's now sits there going... I mean, we'd have been better off with f***ing Corbyn. LAUGHTER

He's probably a plus, what do you imagine was going to come out now? Now that all the gloves are off and there's not people... I need to be able to... I need to be able to... I that all the gloves are off and there's not people to enjoy their own Jubilee, let's be honest. No, because you probably, it's very fine if it is probably, what the reason you were sat in the corner on her own at Prince Philip's funeral is because he's probably got up there and gone, ah, your Majesty, sorry for now. We're there, during the weekly meetings. Well, operations save Big Dog a previous effort to keep Johnson in power. Well, inevitably,

when you have a Big Dog, there's things that you need to clear up. And that's in the situation in this country. Now find itself in there and no more fridges to hide in the game is up. Well, I'll ask we didn't even do the section in the bin, which is, I think, dignity in British politics. Or, indeed, the anniversaries, let's just go with yesterday, it was the North anniversary of a lifetime of bullshit in Fusidae, go mainly, finally catching up with our soon-to-be former prime minister. So that's it for this week's commemorative view, cut it out and keep. Mark, thanks very much for

joining any, anything you'd like to plug? Oh well, people want to, oh yes, yes, I'm doing another series of Mark stills in town, which I'm just sort of in the middle of at the moment, and that starts on the BBC on August the 22nd but these days of course that's irrelevant because it's going to be on BBC sounds and the longer version and they'll be all around the world in Australia and everything. Yeah so there you are you can listen to those soon from August. And your podcast? And the podcast is called What the f*** is going on? is called what the f*** is going on. And yeah, you can listen to that every week and get in here to an answer.

But every time I get close to it, it just slips away. Alex, you are soon heading to the Edinburgh Festival. I will be at the Edinburgh Festival in my show, Cronus. I'm doing it in a few places before then. Look on Twitter at a legitimate ALIT, my show, Cronus. I'm doing it in a few places before then. Look on Twitter at a liturative ALIT, or ATIVE, or Instagram under the same address, or find me on patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. It's one stop shop full of my stand up specials,

podcasts, blogs, as well as the winners of the Dancing Lagarde Literary Tribute Competition, which have just been announced. Also, if you enjoyed this audio newspaper for Visual World, I am the host of the Glossy magazine, the Sonic Glossy magazine that is the sister podcast to this one. So have a listen to that.

It's all of the news, none of the politics. Oh, that's exciting. Oh, cool. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I should name it. Yeah. It's quite musical. Listen to all the podcasts until you stumble onto my work.

Oh, this is annoying about badminton. This is a bit about growing redishes. I'll get there in the end. It's called the gaggle. Right. We've got a list of this in France, do you think? There's a few. They tell me, oh, there's a list of this dotted line.

We've had emails in from Antarctica. Oh. Well. Yeah, there was someone in the North Korea delegation who was wearing bugle socks. Did you not see that? What? Yeah, there was someone in the delegation to North Korea who was wearing bugle merch socks. Oh, not from the North Korean government.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. A delegation to North Korea. All their policies are in accordance with the bugle. I mean, it could be, that could be real or it could be a lie. I definitely saw a photograph of someone in the North Korean delegation with bugle socks, but I don't know where I saw it or if it was true and I didn't verify it. But you can verify it.

Sounds like a fact. It's probably a fact. Yeah, so you can verify this for me. I saw this on a meme today and I'm resentful that you with your classics education have not told me this already. But the Iliad, I meanad is because the Iliam is another name for Troy and the ad means the story of. So actually the Iliad means Troy story. That's true. That's so great is an epic about more questionable people.

Okay, excellent. Anyway, by the reason I asked that, that question is because I'm, so we're doing a, not so-so-in-town show in Paris. I don't know when yet, but you're about the end of August, so I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm doing it in French despite speaking no French. I always do speak French. I do go along. Anyway, France-based butlers. Until next week, goodbye. Thank you.