The Bugle - Dylan or Cummings (4196)

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

Andy welcomes back Chris Addison and Nish Kumar to talk about Dominic Cummings, Bob Dylan, and a dumping ground of other Zaltz truth bombs.Subscribe to Tiny Revolutions with Tiff Stevenson, episode one, with Armando Iannucci is out now.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW).The Last Post, keeps appearing here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanChris AddisonNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4196 of the Bugle, the universe's leading and only source of independently verifiable fact. Sorry, I'm just hearing that that has not in fact been independently verified, so I'm afraid

there are zero sources of independently verifiable fact. That's all right, I'm Andy Salzmanman and I'm reporting to live from the shed of incorruptible veracity joining me this week on Tuesday the first of June, no less of the year 2021 I had to bring in yet another new month when will it end in an all south land and line up it's Nish Kumar and Chris Addison. Hello Andy, hello Nish, hello viewers, I'm very excited and because it's beautiful here Andy ended in the 26 years of my career This is the first time I've ever turned up to a professional engagement wearing shorts Since I stopped playing full-backed for the marriage in 2003

Yes, I've forgotten about your in-laws be a small time career. I played right I'm very delighted to be here and in the grandest tradition of this podcast in terms of sharing terrible gig stories I believe we have finally found the trump card because Chris Addison was actually present at the gig where someone threw a bread roll at me Yes Chris Addison was right in the housing at the epicenter of the chaos I saw the parabola described by the bread as it made his way in his shwits. That was, yeah. Yeah, the pelting.

The notorious pelting with the one roll. Yeah, with one roll, one roll. I didn't think that was the worst thing that happened to you on that stage. The worst thing was when that prick of an MC came on and just basically forced you to shake his hand. As a, as a, as the most passive aggressive, like, it's the least passive passive aggressive thing I've ever seen anybody do. It's incredible. We are recording on the first of June on this day in 1812, the US President James Madison

asked Congress to declare war on the United Kingdom. I mean, I could have just said sorry, we'd have welcomed them back. The war lasted until 1815 and ended in draw. We're still waiting for the second leg, and we have home advantage. Come on, GB. On the 2nd of June, in the year 455, the vandals sacked Rome. They plundered the city for two weeks beginning on the second of June. They probably didn't destroy many buildings or kill that many people by Rome sacking standards, according to historians,

people already getting soft by the mid-fifth century. A day, it's not a modern thing, but they did steal a load of furniture and probably stuff their faces with ice cream and jolites and got hammered into one down the camp at a fjord. Which I've heard is what some people do when they go to the room. The Visigoths got it done in three days in the year 410. The vandals stretched it out for two weeks, just 45 years later. Again, typical of the declining efficiency of humanity as they realize that when you're on a date right, you might as well drag it out. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, a lifestyle section, the bugle is always at the absolute cutting edge of a lifestyle. And we have various items for you to help guide you to have a more stylish life, including you and your socks. Are you wearing your socks on the wrong feet, and how the right pair of socks can make the difference between life and death in space? Plus, our socks legal. While your toothpaste could cause an earthquake, an aisle mirror is magically recording everything you do in the eternal mind of a snooping deity.

We tell you how to train your toaster, and also my spoon hell, celebrities share all about their worst moments with spoons from Susan Sarandons' most harrowing, salad-serving nightmares to Tom Hanks, catapulting a cannello chicken liver parfai off a teaspoon into the Mona Leeds' face when clumsily trying to mine painting whilst eating a cannebae during a gala function of the Louvre in Paris. And also in our lifestyle section, review of the latest lifestyle products, including the Ego Castle Personal Safety Mot,

an inflatable 1.5 meter moat that's not only keeps your personal space, but is also COVID safe. And the Thermotics Fire shoe, a charcoal-fueled thermal footwear with inbuilt hypercoursed in the platform to keep your feet both warm and trendy in winter. That section is in the bin.

Top story this week and well we're recording on Tuesday. This is really top story from last week and last week was yet another week in which passes by reported seeing a single salt test slowly dripping down the withering haggard guilt-ridden face of British democracy. Dominic Cummings, the former special adviser to Prime Minister Boris Johnson set before the House of Commons, Health, Science and Technology Committees, swore the Hippocratic oath and let it rip into the Johnson government and his part in it. Now, I know you are both huge fans of the Machiavellian goings on of Westminster. What did you both make of it? Well, I mean, I think I speak for everybody in our industry and when I say it was just great

to see life performance back. And it was a hell of a way to do it. This was very much the Beyonce Glastonbury of Select Committee here. This is the one the fans wanted to see. Obviously, last year there was the outdoor promenade show in the Rose Garden at number 10 and the brief regional tour of the Northeast. But like the rest of us, Don was clearly itching to get back into a proper performance space. Sure, as with many of the other great comedy characters of our time, there will always be a section

of the audience asking, why does it have to be so sweary? But that's just the truth of that character. And boy, did he spend quite a long time telling us his truth, sporting his traditional look of one of the aliens from close encounters has scored a sponsorship deal with unique cloak. He sat and gesticulated like like Jürgen Klopp with a wasting disease as he spent seven hours detailing governmental failures over COVID seven hours Andrew, which begs the question, why did he leave so much out. And also, a seven hour chat slagging off the government, that to me, that he could easily have done that whilst watching a day of cricket. And I don't know why that wasn't factored in, to make it more palatable. Every so often just wandered off to queue for beer. Come back had another moon. I was absolutely outraged that he, because he did swear at one point he was relaying an anecdote

about relating to Helen McNamara who was the then deputy cabinet secretary who, according to Cummings, came into the privateist's office to tell us that we were all absolutely fucked. And he was allowed to say the F word on television at 10.30 AM, but when I pitched the character of Derek, it was unsuitable for broadcaster any time. This is an outrage. I don't even fucking start with the fact that that has almost certainly been bleaped

by fucking Chris Ginner. This is censorship. He did. Well, actually Chris himself has been sensitive this week. We have Ross producing. Q Ross. So. Don't you dare sense a Derek.

For clarity, that is the worst where we're done. I've just been dropping it after after Derek. I mean, I mean, this, you know, question of whether you believe this was all truth. I mean, I would say it was gospel truth for me from what Dominic coming said in that some people won't believe a word of it. Some people will believe it is a hundred percent literal fact and others will believe it's got a few vague facts in it but is mostly spin just to make the main character look. I do come with that from a second generation laps to a shingle. But people said, oh, this is just another Westminster bubble thing.

But surely in this case the Westminster bubble burst like a festering soren splattered, strangely coloured pass over the entire nation. Yeah, I mean, it's hard to view it as a Westminster bubble thing, when the Prime Minister's former chief advisor was asked directly if the Prime Minister was a fit and proper person to lead the country through the pandemic and said advisor simply replied no and he then went on to apologize to the public and say that they fell disastrously sure of the standards that the public has a right to expect to its government in a crisis like this and then Cummings tried to push the line that somehow this was all our fault in an oblique way because he said it's an essential rational

government. It is completely crazy that I should have been in such a senior position in my personal opinion. And I guess the obvious conclusion would be that everything in our politics is rotten from top to bottom. But that doesn't mean just because it's an obvious conclusion, doesn't necessarily mean that it's correct. However, on this occasion, it is correct.

So well done to the obvious conclusion for having the courage once and for all to stand up for itself. It's not a cop drama. After all, the basic summation of what coming said is everything we all thought was true, was actually true. But it's that Boris Johnson didn't take the pandemic seriously enough initially. And then even after the first wave, even after he caught it and seemingly incredibly serious way, didn't take it seriously enough again, when the second wave hit in September, October and didn't give in to scientific advice that he should call a circuit breaker lockdown in October.

And that really fits in with everything that we know about Boris Johnson, a man whose personality is basically what would have happened if the ghost of Christmas past present and future had turned up to Scrooge's bedroom that he was out shagging. Come in, sir, also, so that in terms of the reactions to the early stages of the pandemic. We said that lots of key people were literally skiing, which I didn't have a problem with that. Sure, that's good practice to be literally skiing for when things then metaphorically went down.

They were like, oh, and he added that Johnson was distracted at the start of the pandemic by, hang on, I've got the full list here, his divorce engagement, I carry some in his pregnancy, his new doggy, Donald Trump, what the papers had written about it, what the papers were going to write about him, his own finances, writing a book about William Shakespeare,

earning the Macarena box set of classic episodes of the TV detective show, but it happened to Amelia Aircraft by finishing a 1986 World Cup, Panini sticker album and by why Michael Gove still had that strange glint in his eye, also distracted by the cold-hearted verdict of history, one slice of watermelon and one green leaf, and then he felt much much better. So it basically wasn't entirely focused on the task in hand. And in many way, maybe that's a good thing, but do you actually want a Boris Johnson who is focused on the job? And it would not be worse.

It's much, it's much the best thing that they were all skiing. The bad part was when they all came back from skiing. That was, that was it all started on raffle for us. He really went from that handcock. Oh, yeah. I was in WX Miss this week looking for a copy. All right. Big shot. I'm flouching.

Yeah. I mean, I've got the cash. I've got, I've got a vouch cash. I've got a voucher. I've got a voucher for a big, big bar of dairy milk, free with my daily mail. I was in there. I was in Smith this week. No, I wasn't looking for that.

I was looking for a socially distanced version of Hello Magazine called Hello Magazine. When I happened to notice an amazing issue of entitled, Thicki Monthly, and just under a picture of cover star Nadine Dorees holding a book upside down. With the words, this month's quiz are you at Hancock. So just a check. I bought it. Let me read it to you. Question one, you find yourself in Boris Johnson's office in number 10 Downing Street opposite you is a talking haystack in an ill-fitting suit with

gis stains by the half open flies. It asks you if you want to be Secretary of State for the Department of Health. Do you, A, politely decline on the grounds that there may be others better suited to the position since you yourself have the intellectual chops of a turnip with a face drawn on. B, jump at the chance and the deluded hope that the power you will wield might in some way fill the insatiable black hole in your soul that you first noticed when Emma Swinton, who you'd fancy since year seven, laughed at the fresh Prince haircut you just got because she once said she thought Will Smith was hot. Question two, there is a global pandemic. You, a man no one in their right mind would trust to be able to spell PPE, let alone range billions of items of it, have to arrange billions of items of PPE. Who do you contact? A, a company which has

made surgical items for the past seven decades and supplies many of the largest hospitals in the West, or B, some guy called Marco, you met on Hugo Stagdew, who was really hilarious, and provided the nurses costume, you made the groom go on a pub crawl in, who responds to your WhatsApp offer of a contract, with a dick pick, captioned, get it up your bun boy, three lowly loads of sainsbury's handle Thai bin bags and an invoice for £180 million. And question three, 127,000 people are dead. Do you resign? A, yes, or B, of course not.

Shame is for Catholics and Pussies. If you answered mainly A, congratulations, you're not Matt Hancock. If you answered mainly B, commiserations, you are Matt Hancock. Please ask the person who helps you read this to explain to you that eventually the shit is going to hit the fan, bounce off the fan, and get stuck between two pieces of bread. And when that happens, someone is going to have to choke down that foot long turd sub and smile.

Stack up on Condon and Smack, because that someone is you. I sound for another quiz now relating to this. I can never have too many quizzes in the show. You've really got a taste of hosting quizzes, Zolt. Well, I'll be going to do it. Bob Dylan, the pop star, Tony and star. That's the best description of the The renowned songsmith was greeted with a wave of goodwill from his many admirers around the world, but let's see how long that lasts. He's in his 80s now. Just a

wait until he swaps his acoustic walking frame for an electric mobility scooter. It'll be Judas all over again. Scoot fucking fast. So Dylan turned 80 and Dominic Cummings outlined at least 80 ways in which the British political system is deeply inadequate. So to commemorate these two historic moments, we have a special free bonus complimentary bugle quiz, Dylan or Cummings. One is the title of a Bob Dylan song and the other is something Dominic Cummings said or suggested in his select committee evidence. This is an extended version of the thing that was edited to the bones for Mastering's news quiz. Andy, I will not have you turn this podcast

into a dumping ground for stuff from other shows. Yeah. You're basically Lenny Bruce reading out a charge sheet at this point. One, one, one, one. I mean, you wouldn't believe it, but I've written too much stuff. I'm already unbelievable. So tell me which of these, you can do this at home, right down on a bit of paper. One is a Dylan song. The other is something to do with Dominic coming. Select committee testimony.

You ain't going nowhere or you ain't supposed to be going anywhere you f***ing idiot. Question two, just like a woman or just like a shopping trolley smashing from one side of the aisle to the other, which I'll give you clue, well words used by Cummings to describe Johnson's indecisively the ship in the early weeks of the crisis. We slightly raises the question, who was pushing the trolley and what aisle are we talking about? Are we talking about an island, a supermarket or the aisle in a church as Boris Johnson tries to find his latest wife? Also, the idea that the shopping trolley was moving suggests that at any point in this process, the wheels have been on. Yes, if only for once the wheels have come off. Absolutely sweet Marie or absolutely sweet F8. It ain't me babe or it ain't me who should have been allowed to be involved in the highest levels of government. One too many mornings or way too many warnings, the loan some death of Hattie Carroll or the loan some death of 40,000 care home residents due to

catastrophically flawed government strategy. You're going to make me loan some when you go or you're going to make me vengeful when you sack me. Don't think twice it's all right or don't think at all. It will only upset you to realize the parody of our supposed democratic ideal that we've become idiot wind or idiot secretary of state health stuck inside of mobile with the Memphis Blues again or stuck inside in mobile with the kids and booze again. If you see her say hello or if you see her tell her I'm terribly sorry about the avoidable death of her grandparents, I threw it all

away or I kept written and photographed records of everything. Or sooner or later, one of us must know, or actually we both know, and we're going to tell vastly different versions of the same story. So there is your Dylan or Cummings quiz. Two senior answers on a postcard to anyone who gives a shit. In other Boris Johnson news, he's got married again. I don't know what you put on a wedding card to someone on number three, but better like this time or, certainly, a third time lucky. It was a low key private strip

back wedding that got rid of many of the traditional features of wedding such as even trying to mean what you say in your vows. And of course, there was a lot of Catholics who expressed confusion about about how Boris Johnson, the famously twice divorced Boris Johnson was allowed to get married in Westminster Cathedral, the number one ranked Catholic church in the country. Is there any argument for this other than the fact that obviously God doesn't exist? I mean, if he has re-embraced his Catholicism, God help the priest that takes his first confession, because that is going to be one long mother That's going to be way longer than seven hours

The Catholic Church have got previous on on changing their mind about heads of state of Great Britain Getting married or not It didn't work out so brilliantly for them last time right so maybe they're just trying to you know Bit canier this time don't you think? You know, only 30 people were able to be present at the wedding, which is very sad, because it means a number of his kids had to miss out. Ha!

Some of his children who were there included his 13-year-old son, his honor justice saddle with, his eight-year-old son, his honor justice Bentley, and his five-year-old daughter, his honor justice wolf. They aren't actually members of the legal profession, but it's Johnson Family tradition to name each child after the judge who gave Boris the super injunctions prevent reporting off the practice.

LAUGHTER Did you hear the BBC coverage of it of this wedding? I avoided it. OK, let me, I recorded it on the phone. Hello, welcome to Springwatch. Listen, let's go straight to our Westminster Cathedral camera now because the boys Johnson, where you've been watching there, looks like it's about ready to go into its mating ritual. They're really standing out with its mate and interestingly, the boy's Johnson does not mate for life.

It saves this going to. That's how it gets the mates, but it doesn't. Look, it's all starting. Look, look. o'r ymdwch, o ffyrdd ymdwch, o ffyrdd ymdwch. Doel, Alexander, Boris, Ddefethel Johnathan, oedd ymdwch, Carrey, Alexander, Ddefethel Simonans, oedd ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, yn ymdwch, This is exactly the kind of a lovely, perunctary question we have come to expect from the leader of the opposition. But do you take her to be your wife? Whereas I have stated repeatedly in the past I fully intend to make this woman just as soon as the data I say that it is safe to do so. Could I have the next slide please?

I now pronounce you, man and wife. So here we go. Look at that. You can see that. Look, you see, his mighty partner has just gone for the case and he's put down his flies and he's chasing the flies mate all around the cathedral, is that beautiful, so rare that you get to witness something like that, we'll be keeping an eye on that mating ritual and we'll go straight back to that camera

just as soon as one of the lenders has wiped the jizz off. Is that a busy couple of weeks? John's wasn't just getting married and having his entire government trashed by his former ally. It was also a report into Islamophobia in the Tory party. The report either did or did not show those institutionalised Islamophobia in the Conservative party, depending on whether or not you're in the Conservative party. Boris Johnson issued trademark apology or crapology in which he didn't really apologise. He said, I know that a fence has been taken at the things I've said that people expect a person in my position to get things right, but in journalism, you need to use language freely. No, that is not what journalism is.

You need to do your research and use facts. You need to use language precisely. You f***ing idiot. He also said, would I use some of the offending language from my past writings today? Now that I'm Prime Minister, I would not. Well, that sounds like it is due a comeback as soon as those particular shackles are off. And he said, sorry for any offence taken, which is emphatically not saying sorry for calling people picking in these or the letterboxes thing. That's like being kind of sorry for, you sorry for upsetting you when you thought your granny had married Stalin, rather than saying sorry for drawing a Stalin

moustache with an indelible marker pen on that picture of your granddad. It's a homeopathic apology. There is the memory of an apology somewhere in the sentence. If you take the text of his apology and you look down the left side, you notice that the first letters of all the words spell f*** you.

It's that kind of apology. Even back in March, when the sort of first stirrings of an Indian variant were starting to be of concern, the press was not focused on, large sections of the press were focused on me losing my job on the BBC. So then you marched, you are the Indian variant. That's the only concern. I am the Indian variant that large sections of the British media were worried about earlier in this year.

But they should have been worried about the Indian variant that is now possibly going to drive us into lockdown three, the lockdown and the one that will be some sort of new bowling technique that will hit us later in the summer. Belarus updates. Well, Belarus wants to get not to be confused with Bella R. Us, the off-shoot of the Tozara franchise and specializing in merchandise and memorabilia, themed around the life and music of the great Hungarian composer, Bella Bartok. But we report on this in a world exclusive scoop. We won't tell you how we got it. A good journalist always protects their source. Okay, well, since you asked, we heard about it from the telly of the internet.

By happy coincidence for the obsessive aeroplane collector, Luke Ashenko, whose latest acquisition contained dissident journalist, Roman Proto-Savitch and his partner, Sophia Sopaga, who have since been well paraded on television in a coercively filmed confession, which is not a good look really, is it when you're trying to project democracy and rectitude to the world, which is in fact what Lukashenko is not trying to do? Well, do you know what? I know this is not popular, but in many ways I feel this is Roman

Protosser, which is own fault, right? Sure, he's a heroic figure who spent all the years of his short-life fighting bravely to free his fellow countrymen from the tyranny of Europe's elastic territory. He's 26! I remember my 20s just about and I can't believe he's got the energy. I mean you have a lot of energy when you're that young but you spend most of it if I recall correctly judging bars on whether or not they sell cocktails by the junk, screaming in impotent fury and mortgage avatts on the tally, doing everything you can to get out of headlining the student union comedy night at Kingston University spending 13% of your life drunk on a night bus and spending 78% of that time saying you're never getting a night bus again. You save trying to overthrow dictators until you're 30s when all your friends

are having babies and you're at a loose end because no one wants to go to karaoke with you anymore. He just walked into it. The UN Civil Aviation Agency has said it's going to launch a fact-finding investigation into Lukashenko's actions asking if there was a breach of international aviation law. Let me save them a job here. Yes. I'm pretty sure if I call in a bomb threat on a plane because I have a beef with one of the passengers, I've gone straight to Guantanamo faster than you can say the phrase civil aviation authority. He's not been without his apologists. He has been

defended by, can you guess? That's right. He's a Putin. Yes. Yeah. Vladimir Putin. Hol'em one, at Hol'em one, at a time. He, Putin was in talks in Sochi with Lukashenko this week and described the protests that have been happening across parts of Eastern Europe at what Lukashenko has been and described the protest that have been happening across parts of Eastern Europe at what Lukashenko has been up to as an outpouring of emotion, which is that is not a correct way to characterize protests about a world leader forcing a plain to land so that

they could grab a dissident. That is describing the audience at the end of a Pixar movie. Also, at this point, Vladimir Putin is effectively the Johnny Cochrane of White people. If he is defending you, there is a chance you were gonna look guilty as f***. Michael O'Leary, you know him? He runs Ryanair. He did, I did.

Called it piracy. How bad does something have to be for the head of Ryanair? I think so, it's a bit much. That's like Henry VIII accusing someone of having commitment issues How bad does something have to be for the head of Ryanair? I think so, it's a bit much. That's like Henry VIII accusing someone of having commitment issues, or George Galloway telling somebody they look ridiculous in that hat. I've flown on Ryanair.

I've experienced what Michael O'Leary deems to be seen. Yeah. Hopefully for, can I sit down for an extra five, though? Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. Sure, man. BELL RINGS Middle East news now, and well, it's all going fine.

Yeah, but I don't know what everyone's problem with it is. Well, it's a interesting news breaking. For a long time, the leader writers of the bugle, the system, the audience, paper, have taken a view that the time in Benjamin Netanyahu was no longer Prime Minister of Israel could not come soon enough. Whereas the old saying goes, better a rancid ferret in your lunchbox than a feral warthog in your bed. Because careful what you wish for, it could be the end of Benjamin Netanyahu after his 12 years as Prime Minister and numerous court cases.

That might not be good news. Hold fire on your Benjamin yet and what who headlines? Because, well, let me do this as neither all question. What type of leader would you most like to see take over Israel at this hyper-dallocate point in the Permafragile history of the Middle East. A, a moderate bridge building reformer committed to a shared peace and progress, or B, a far right religious nationalist. Well, I mean, my heart says A, but due to bad genetics, my heart is quite literally full of shit. Yes, well, it does look like it's going to be, it is going to be, be naftily, bened, to form a coalition. As Mick Jagger said, you can't always get what you want, but if the wrong people try, you can get what you absolutely don't need.

It's he, Bennett is left the liquid party and joined the Jewish Home Party, a party that BBC News described as right-wing nationalist and religious, which is as bad a combination of words as Malcolm X biopic starring Scarlett Johansson. More democracy going really well news now. And the US Republican Party has officially resigned from politics and change its official designation for tax purposes from political party to loony nut job pressure group after stymying efforts to set up an independent inquiry into the January 6th capital riot that marked the last days of the Trumpian empire in suitably shit headed fashion. I mean, the Republicans are a strange franchise. They're hard franchise to to warm to as a neutral increasingly.

Yes. I find, and there's a clinging to Trump. I'll do like a smoker sticking with his 60-day habit because someone's told him it's a cure for cancer. Which has been a terrific week, I think, Andy, for the party. Now officially to be known as the Republic of America's under the leadership of Mitch McConnell. What a guy, that guy is. Ambition, ambition, f***ed***ed spite, and he was born. Mitch McConnell is what happens

when the clown in it takes his makeup off. Mitch McConnell is what happens when a turtle has an evil twin. Mitch McConnell is what happens when you put a Mr Potato Head in the microwave and then it gets accidentally cursed by a witch. The GOP or gaggle of pricks prevented a commission on the January 6th attack on the capital being convened, which would have been modeled on the commission which looked into the September 11th attacks. But quite rightly, the republics have pointed out

that those were terrorist in nature. And in present-day America, breaking into the seat of the nation's government, dressed in bullet proof vests, carrying guns and baguetteies, hellbent on lynching the vice president and the speaker of the House of Representatives, doesn't quite qualify as terrorist activity. So I thought it would be useful at this juncture. Just have a look at what does qualify right now. So here is a comprehensive list

of everything considered legitimate terrorist act in contemporary America. Not knowing the words to take me out to the ballgame. Suggesting Bradley Cooper was miscast in a star is born. Shitting in the water of the splash mountain ride at Disneyland, serving a salad that comes in under 1200 calories, signing a decent fucking airport, pouring boiling water on tea rather than leaving a bag next to a mug of lukewarm water and just I don't know, hoping, not liking Hamilton, putting day, month and year in a logical order, being black within 200 yards of a police officer.

That is a lot beyond that go for your life. It's a fairly incredible situation that America could be in. A country that trumpets its democratic system as being full of checks and balances, that I would say has now got to a point where there is an excess of checks and balances, because there's so many checks and balances that a political party can check and balance itself against being investigated. That's where the system of checks

and balances has gone too far. The Republican Senate has voted against the investigation into the January 6th commission and one, despite losing the vote 54 to 35 because of the arcane vote existing in the Senate. In further Trump news, two men were kicked out of the Yankee Stadium in New York after a hanging from one of the upper tiers, a massive banner saying Trump won. And there was a photo on the article on the website that showed the pair dangling this impressively large and impressively factually incorrect banner. Whilst below them, a man flipped them a double bird whilst wearing a shirt with the word judge on the back, which I think if you had to summarize the history of the

2020 election in one single picture, I think that this, this, this would be it. This would be it. I felt that it seems, it seems to me that the crowd at Yankee Stadium will pick and choose which big light of boo. And I think they're happy to cheer at a banner, say Trump won. And they're also happy to tell you that Alex Rodriguez could do all that stuff without performance enhancing drugs. Pick a lane Yankees. It's really weird to mean Yankeekee Stadium, and be celebrating about who basically was

rooting for the other side in the Civil War. Yeah. Humanity versus mice news now, and I love the smell of night palm in the morning, especially when I've been up all night listening to the sound of mice scuttling around under the floorboards. It's Naiparm the mice time in Australia, a horrific plague of mice has struck parts of Australia and those who not seen the footage basically look like Beatrix Potter was let loose with some CGI special effects after five bottles of cheap snaps. Absolutely horrific quantity. And it's amazing, isn't it?

But the traditional Australian natural terrors that you put in a sending order of dangerousness, the crocodile, the shark, the box jellyfish, the unnecessarily deadly snake. I mean, what the f*** is the point of having enough well under again, kill a hundred people in one bite? The Tyrannosaurus Koala, the Sabretooth Platypus, Glen McGraw, and that tiny little spider, they've now all been overtaken by the mouse. And I mean, I guess, you know, in Britain we like to root for the underdog,

root for the little guy. So we should be cheering the mice on, I guess. But yeah, it doesn't say well with me, but I'm not a mice fan. No, well, I guess, but yeah, it doesn't say well with me, not on mice fan. No, well, you know, as you, as you refer there, once again, like we find that Australia has very weirdly specific set of skills and failures when it comes to dealing with animals, like great big terrifying things, no problem. Crocodiles, easy, they're just shoes of not worn yet.

Box jellyfish, get your speedo, as Mike, we're going surfing. Redback spider, see if you can find me another then I can give them to me, mad as a pair of earrings. But rabbits build a fucking fence, my strength. I'm losing my shit here. Yet again, the people of Australia seem genuinely staggered by the idea that if you introduce a non-indigenous animal which hasn't evolved to take a carefully balanced place

in the local ecosystem, it is likely to run a mock and take over in a fairly unhelpful way like a Nazi party planner at a bar mitzvah. And when I say the people of Australia, I mean the white people of Australia, the original inhabitants are very of a with the idea that if you let in a bunch of things from Britain, it's not going to go terribly well for the ones that are already there. The same thing happens at the Marries of New Zealand, the tribes of South Africa and the hosts of late night talk shows in America. I didn't realize that this is like

something that happens semi-regulately in Australia. Yeah, just sort of every eight or nine years, there's a plague of mice in sub part of Australia. I didn't realize it was part of one of the many grand traditions of Australia, like being good at sport or racism. It's genuinely amazing and they were estimated to have caused $100 million in damage to crops and grain stores and people setting traps are catching between 500 and 600 mice per night. At what point do we just have to

declare Australia is being a mouse republic? That brings us to the end of this week's this week's bugle. A joyous week for all humanity. I'm sure you want to agree. Thanks very much for coming. I've got any shows to plug. I am touring next year from Wednesday, the 2nd of February 2022 for a period of time that is Googleable. So please buy tickets and I also have two albums of me to stand up comedy that are available on the internet. Good. That cuts out all

white men over 40 from being able to access any information. Sure, that's the way you should be selling it. My show, Breeders, is on the new series, is on Sky now. There's an episode out every Thursday at 10. I think we can watch the whole thing and the first season on Catch Up On Sky or on Now TV, which has changed its name to Now for reasons that entirely are skating. You can hear this current series of the news quiz on the BBC website. At the last episode is coming up later this week. And if you're a cricket fan, I will be talking numbers from Wednesday morning this week for a lot of the summer. We'll be back next week with the bugle, which is currently migrating day by day from the start of the week for the end we recorded Monday last week, Tuesday this week, we're going for a Wednesday, then a Thursday, then a Friday record,

and what I believe may be a podcasting first. But we'll be back next week. Until then, goodbye.