The Bugle - Earth Spins Off Own Axis In Attempt To Escape From Itself

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

Why is the world literally breaking off it's own axis? What next for Jair Bolsonaro? What's up the US Supreme Court (other than the obvious)? And Why is Australia burying both its heads, and waste, in the sand?Listen to the latest Bugle Ashes Zaltzcast and buy our new book: http://thebuglepodcast.comThe Bugle was presented and written by...Andy ZaltzmanTom BallardJosh GondelmanAnd produced by...Chris Skinner and Laura Turner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, Audio Newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers and welcome to issue 4,269 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world, albeit a visual world in which what you see is almost certainly being manipulated to make

you think it's something different to what it actually is. I am Andy Zoltzmann and I'm sitting in a shed after working for the past five days at a volcanically tempestuous cricket match between England and Australia. One of the most controversial games in the long rivalry between these two nations, so who better to drag me back into something approaching reality and help bring me up to date with what is happening in the parallel universe that isn't all about people trying to hit a small ball with a medium-sized stick. Then someone from America, a nation that spurned humanity's greatest invention from its sporting repertoire for whatever f***ing reason.

And someone from Australia, who for whatever f***ing reason, doesn't give a flying f*** about cricket. Please welcome Josh Goddard and Tom Ballard. Welcome to the beautiful boat. How are you both? Oh, look, okay, I'm doing fine. I just want to say it wasn't my decision to spurn cricket, okay? I'll take any sport that I can watch at night before I go to bed after my wife is asleep to stop me from thinking thoughts. Feel very much on my way, Flankthjok. I'm doing well Andy, Australia sent me onto this podcast to officially apologize and explain everything that happened with the stumping fail the the out of bounds offside that we did and I'm sorry or you're welcome we did cover this in some depth on today's

bugle asher Zoltz cast we will try to keep this bugle a relatively cricket free zone I have sorry I just have yet to get that one in my Google, Asher, Zoltzcast, we will try to keep this bugle a relatively cricket free zone. I have, sorry, I just have yet to get that one in my hands, I'm sorry, but I will, as soon as we finish here, that is absolutely tough on my list. Josh, your summer has been, what you were saying, busier and less busy in different ways due to the writers' strike. Can you bring us up to date with what's been happening with it? Sure. I've said a personal best for circles walked in one week category.

We are on strike, the writer's guild of America waiting for the big studios to come back to the table with a serious proposal. But right now you're catching me in kind of a liminal space in my life and career because I was unemployed and then was on strike, which seems like it should make me more unemployed, but instead I got much busier, fighting for the righteous cause, but right now it's a holiday, so I'm on a break

from being on strike, from being unemployed. So this is quite a day that you found me on. But yeah, we're out there. We're striking. It's I think day 61 and back on the picket lines on Wednesday. Right. I believe you've written no jokes for this edition of the bugle. That's just my tradition. That's kind of the gentlemen promise. We are recording on the 3rd of July 2023. On this day in 1913, there was the Great Reunion at which Confederate veterans and union

veterans from the American Civil War met at Gettysburg. They reenacted part of the battle and then met each other with out-stretched hands of friendship. And Woodrow Wilson, the president at the time, said, We have found one another again as brothers and comrades in arms. Enemies no longer, generous friends rather, are battles long past. The quarrel forgotten except that we shall not forget the splendid valor. And America has lived happily ever after ever since in perfect harmony tolerance and mutual respect I was just I don't know I don't think I'd read about this before Josh

I thought it was this a famous account. Have you heard you heard of this this great? I'm not serious. I know that there's other civil war Reinactments, but I didn't know there was one that was with the soldiers themselves, which I think feels a little bit like our side rubbing it in. Kind of an uncivil thing to do. It makes me feel like when I'm watching an unrelated sporting event, and I see the ball bounce through Bill Buckner's legs in 1986. Oh great, a world series reenactment. Thank goodness the Metz fans are getting to enjoy this again.

All the re-bited reenactments they lost the magic. You got to get the original cast together like the original OG first ones. It's always had little something something that you can never quite recreate recreate I think. But it's a wonderful example of, I guess, rapprochement and a mutual understanding. And therefore, in December of 2052, I will have a reenactment of my gig at the comedy store in Manchester from 2002, and we will hopefully reach out hands of friendship across the divide.

On the 4th of July, 1803, well another key moment in American history, the Louisiana purchase was announced to the American people. Two million square kilometers of prime North American real estate sold off by France to the USA. For the bargain basement price of $15 million, which today would buy you a small fleet of high-end electric cars, or a mid to low range backup

defensive mid-field are coming to the end of his career. Times have changed. On the minus side though it did include Nebraska. So I mean, good deal or bad deal, you be the judge. I guess one of the slight issues with it was that most of the land involved didn't actually belong to France, but in the grand tradition of Western imperial powers, everyone just assumed the local native population wouldn't mind, and they certainly didn't get a chance to make a counter bid for the land they already owned. So, yes, sensational piece of history is just full of f***ing. As always, a sexy...

Maybe that could be another bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, construct your own pointless radio phoning. If there's not enough division in your world, just build your own radio phoning with needlessly oppositional arguments to the following questions. Why do clouds always move from left to right? Are giraffes as tall as all that? Who would have won the football world cup if it had been played in the year 1362? Was Shakespeare's Hamlet really rock star buddy Holly? Is air good for you if you're looking west? How do you know East still exists? What's green and squishy? Why were rainbows illegal in Bolivia in the 1980s and if King Charles was a Spaniard would our banknotes bark? Do construct your own arguments about those and broadcast them into your own heads. That section pretty hot topic. Here we go. Yeah. Top story this week.

What in the world is going on out there? Which questions asked by many commentators at the cricket this week. But more importantly, what is actually happening? It not only in the world, but to the world physically. Because for years now, we've relied on the assumption that the planet will keep turning and keep turning in the way that it has turned for as long as many of us can remember. I'm 48 years old, and the world has just been quietly going about its rotational business, certainly since I was a kid, and arguably for billions of years before that too. But now, there are signs that the earth has got bored as a planet and

wants to try something a bit new and a bit different because scientists have discovered that the planet's rotational axis has gone walk about. It was heading slowly south towards Canada, now it's heading east for ever reason, do look out if you're east of where you are when you're listening to this, you could confront a confused looking rotational axis, do not attempt to talk to it, stop it or rotate it the other way, call the authorities and try to sue it with song. Josh, what's essentially seem to be happening here? And, you know, as you said, your big sports fan is that the earth has put spin on itself.

So is our planet just becoming a literal curveball? Yeah, I mean, I knew this was happening. I don't mean to pat myself on the back. Last night, I did some karaoke with some friends to celebrate the holiday weekend and I came out of that karaoke place feeling a little woozy after having several drinks and I thought to myself, you know what? I bet the earth is rotating differently than it used to be. And you know what? My hunch was absolutely correct. This is the prophecy that Missy Elliott foretold. The big bang was essentially putting that thing down,

and now, you know, millions of years later, the earth is flipping it and reversing it. I think the change is good news. That's what I think ultimately, that's the headline here. This is good news. The earth is trying to superman to itself by turning the wrong way, sending itself back in time, giving us a do-over on the havoc we've wreaked on the planet.

No. Oh, well thank you for bringing that positive thought. Of course, it's what I bring to the view though. Tommy, you're excited by this whole new planet that will soon be living on where I assume Australia will end up somewhere just off the new coast of the Czech Republic. Right, we can shift her out as well. I'm not excited. Andy, I think this is another blow for the sensible centre.

That not even planet Earth's axis is prepared to maintain a moderate position. It's a disgrace. Everything's changing. Back in my day, men were men, women were women. Pluto was a planet and you knew where Earth's fucking axis was. Now the Queen's dead, everyone's transgender and the planet's ability to spin has been destroyed by cultural Marxism. It's a very good disgrace to any other one. Well there you go. We've presented both views and

you, the listener, can decide. They have this drifting axis. And actually drifting axis is my favorite and most complicated sex move. So I'm not gonna be doing that at all. Family show. So I mean, essentially what's happened, and I don't understand things like this because they involve complicated science. And I stopped paying attention to that when I was 16. But apparently the part of it's been caused

by the polar ice caps melting, despite it's repeatedly and politely asking them not to, also due to water being pumped out of the ground for farming and domestic use, and the shifting of water has unbalanced the entire planet. And as I said, it was heading to Canada, the rotational axis, but then thought, nah, to Canada the rotational axis but then thought nah. I mean what about Canada do you think it's put the Earth's axis, rotational axis off from going there? Is it an excess of ice hockey or a confusion of moose? Oh, that's a good question.

I feel like it hit the border and then just realize like, this is going to be a hassle getting in. That's what they're like. We'll head out towards international waters or we can rotate anyway we want. Yeah. Maybe they looked up at the just for last month, your old comedy festival line up and saw that Tom Bellard is heading there with his show in his eye. And it's good for me. And tough, tough the other way.

Oh, thank you guys. Good to get the plugs in early. Maybe the same time at the end of the show, Tom. That's good. Um, yeah, so the article that I went a maximum of half an article deep on this, was that fine patterns and variations in the planet spin are worrying because they have an impact on the sat nav systems

that guide map apps that we depend on to know, only where we're going but whether we still exist. Error planes, that's a slight confusion if you've booked a holiday and you want to be able to trust the earth rotational axis that you're going to end up in, you know, Spain rather than Moscow. go and also it can affect missiles. That is a wake up call for me when the Earth's rotational axis shifting might send a missile to the wrong place. I think now we need to take this, we need to take this seriously. Yeah, I'll be damned if we're here in Melbourne, are going to get hit with a missile from Russia or China that was intended for Perth, or because the planet surface was wobbling all over the joint like an atlas on the top of a f***ing washing machine. I just think that the idea that, you know, these apple, like the maps,

I'll start again. I also think the idea that map apps aren't working properly, like blaming that on the Earth's wandering access, that really sounds like a bullshit excuse cooked up by Apple Maps to justify how terrible that was. Well, I'm worried about this mistlething. It really calls into question the whole idea of missiles, right? Where if, if, oh, the Earth's rotation, that, that changed where the missile is going to say, the Earth is always rotating in some place. Maybe we got to put these things down, just drive it over to where you want it. Or something.

But one of the reasons blamed us apparently that the earth is still recovering from the last ice age and it's bouncing back into shape, which is causing, cause it, do you not think it's time for the earth to just get over it? I mean, we, seven years after Brexit, we've moved on as a nation here in the United Kingdom.

We're fucking fine. We're not still fucking furious with each other over it. You don't have to try to bounce back after the ISF. Like, I've been, it's 2021, I got vaccinated, started going outside, and I thought, you know, maybe my body will snap back to its pre-pandemic size and shape. Nope, I just need bigger t-shirts.

Maybe the earth just needs a bigger t-shirt. I didn't realize how messed up the earth was. This is a New York Times article that we're reading and it said, you can't feel it but our planet's rotation is knowing you're as smooth as out of the globe on your desk. As it moves through space, earth wobbles like a poorly thrown frisbee. It's like, it's not looking good for the holy, television design thing.

Apparently, if God does exist, he shit at frisbee, and he was too lazy to finish the platypus, okay? It's not like that. And the idea of who the New York Times presumes is reading this newspaper, you're like, you know, it's not like the globe on your desk. The globe you all have sitting on your desk as if you're planning which nation to take over

or mapping out where you own property. It's like that's who we think is reading this newspaper. It's uneven, like the top of your pith helmet. You know, you like the left. It's just chaotic as the water is your yacht is going across right now. Moving on from the physical estate of the world to what's happening in and on it. Let me just see what's happening in and on it. Let me just see what's happening in the... Oh, can we just ignore what appears to be the outbreak of war in the Middle East?

Yes, let's just ignore that. Let's ignore that and move on instead to happier stories, such as the US Supreme Court. Now, just the Supreme Court rulings crop up intimately on this show. I was reading an article by an Al Jazeera colonist, Bel Enfernandes, who wrote this line, it's that time of year again, when the United States Supreme Court ruins everyone's summer with its sociopathic rulings. And it's, which is a lovely line.

It's quite hard to add to that. Can you just fill it in on exactly what? Sure. This crazy institution has been doing. Technically, that is the facet of Hot Girl Summer. This is a green court. Absolutely tearing apart civil liberties and making things worse.

So we had a flurry of rulings last week, which the worst combination in a dairy queen blizzard, rulings. But the last week, the Supreme Court ruled, they're a couple that kind of feel like they really go together. The Supreme Court ruled against affirmative action in many ways, including by race, but still allows legacy admissions as many pointed out.

And the court struck down President Biden's plan to forgive student loan debt. So I've come up with a compromise. That's what I've been spending the last week doing, which is legacy admissions can still get into elite universities, but they then have to pay off everyone else's student loans. Your dad's money got you into college and it's gonna get everyone else out of debt.

It's only fair. Yeah, I think that's the nice way to do it. The court also ruled in favor of a web designer who didn't want to make a website for gay weddings. Although, a designer refusing to work with gay weddings is a pretty clear sign, they have a terrible sense of aesthetics, right? Who wants a homophobic wedding website developer? What do those

websites look like? Camo print background? Barbed wire tattoo border? Fortunately, there is a sensible way to appeal. If you disagree with the decision of any Supreme Court justice, you can simply offer them a ride on your private jet to a lavish hunting retreat and discuss the matter with them there. Although, if you own a private jet, you're definitely convinced that we live in a meritocracy, don't have student loans, and think the jetless among us can get f***ed. Now, I've read this. Some have said the Supreme Court has been quite spending rules in favor

of the already privileged. So is this a rare example of a major political institution doing exactly what it was set up to do? I mean, this is this founding principle, isn't it? Yeah, it's got, it's, it's nine people with, it's essentially 18 thumbs on the scale. If that's how it, that's the ideal way I think it would have worked out for the founding fathers is the full 18 thumbs. We've got, we have some descent just as Ketanjay Brown Jackson voiced a really strong descent

in the affirmative action case. And then some have pointed out that this is, this is exactly what you're talking about. The web designer in question did not even get a request to design a website for a gay wedding. They were just hypothetically so upset at the idea of having to put a rich and mic on top of a wedding website that they took it all the way to the Supreme Court. Well, this is typical, isn't it, of anything to do with with same-sex marriage and we've seen it and I know Tom that Australia legal her same-sex marriage after the United Kingdom and when you're being beaten by the United Kingdom in

a race to do with social liberalism you've got to take a long hard bath with yourself as a nation but the people who always seem angriest about the idea of of same-sex weddings are always the people least likely ever to be invited to one. It seems is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it seriously. Or quit. But I guess the struggle for freedom continues. For any people who want to get into colleges in the US, the Supreme Court has consistently ruled in favor of gun rights. So when you go in for your interview for Harvard, I say just take a gun and then they won't see race at all. They'll just be considering about some other things that might influence their decision. That's just my solution for these problems. Let's play off of any solutions.

Do you think now, I mean, looking at all this, Josh, and Alex Androok, Kazoeko, Korte, said these are the type of rulings that signal a dangerous creep towards authoritarianism and centralization of power in the court, who says politicians can't get things done. I'm not sure that she's right. Creep makes it sound like there's an element of sneaky sub-defusion not wanting to be seen. This is an overt, prance towards authoritarianism.

I think it just... I am what I am essentially. Disturbing creep I do think was just maybe a description of Justice Clarence Thomas. So Justice Crick Havana, there are a couple disturbing creeps on the court right now. Is it starting to look like interesting, key legal rulings to a small group of people who are selected for life by a person who might be as mad, bad and dangerous to know as Donald Trump or even worse, Donald Trump himself? Is that an idea fraught with risk for whatever reason?

No, look, I think like many Americans do that our founding fathers are infallible and the decisions that they made 250 years ago, that's relevant to modern life and shouldn't be revisited. I do think, no, I think you're right. I think we've got to check our balances because we have sincerely wrecked our balances. Well, the president, Joe Biden, he saves to think it's like an aberration and he describes the current Supreme Court as not a normal court, which seems quite bitchy to me. Like, Supreme Court, why are you so weird?

You're such a freak. Just give people rights. You fucking weirdo. Oh my God. But that is, that is like, yeah, yeah, President Biden, it is not a normal court, it's a normal court as in nine infinitely powerful whizz areas. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha one generation to vote on something that largely only affects their successors. But anyway, the point has been made. Moving on to Australia, Tom. Now, as we in Britain all know, your country

Australia was discovered by Captain Cook in the 18th century when he single-handedly on behalf of human civilization, built a modern nation founded on the complete eradication of worries and the level of tolerance for the mullet beyond all rational comprehension. But some people are now claiming that there might have been people in Australia before cooking the Brits turned up and turned an arid wasteland into a hotbed of sporting excellence. Is there any truth in this room? And I understand the woke are trying to blast through some legislation that means that your parliament may have to at least pretend to pay attention to these people who claim they were there first.

Yes, look, it's a radical new theory that has been thrown around there, a new reading of Australian history, a history that can probably best summed up with the words, But we have basically come together as a country after a very long painful process and they've come up with this idea, First Nations People got together and said, hey, it might be nice to have this little voice put into the constitution that is made of First Nations People, elected by First Nations People to tell government and the parliament how best to approach the problems that affect us from all the yaw and king and the shushing. So later this year we're going to have a referendum to change the constitution to see whether that body should be enshrined in the constitution, a First Nations voice to parliament.

They've just passed the legislation through this very parliament and between October and December at the end of this year, Australia will go to the polls and vote either yes or no. And yes, I agree. I am the perfect person to be talking about this. I'm a good old class white guy. Don't worry everyone, I will be weighing into this debate.

It's what my people do. OK, it's part of my culture. That's a form of truth telling, but from a place of ignorance. OK, that's what we do. I do have an Aboriginal boyfriend. My boyfriend, Harley, is a Wakawaka man. He's an Aboriginal man. And he is my gay Aboriginal boyfriend. I have a an Aboriginal boy friend. My boy friend, Harley, is a Wakawaka man. He's an Aboriginal man and he is my gay Aboriginal boy friend.

I have a gay Aboriginal boy friend and that doesn't make me better than you, but it also does. And a white. If you don't have a gay Aboriginal boy friend, two words, do better. Okay? You say you're focused on Black Lives Matter. I'm focused on black and white coming together every single day. He is not exactly across all the details of the debate though the other day I asked my boyfriend what do you think about this voice thing and he said oh they still making that show Take a little while for all the details to permeate the full culture the debate is on the campaign is happening and

Australia is asking itself yes or no later this year Andy It's very exciting and and what are the sort of made arguments for and against that have been put by the various argumenties I would sum it up like this yes says come on Jesus Christ and no says on Jesus Christ and no says uh... i think that lays out all the sort of nuance involved look there are people on the left why i'm sympathetic to so i say it's just an

advisory body it won't have any kind of veto power won't be able to overrule parliament it actually doesn't give enough power to first nation's people to assert their sovereignty over their own country but there are people on the right who are saying, we're all equal and everything's fine. And this would be terrible. And the no campaign has set up an earnest. It features all the figures from the Australian right.

They've all got together in one big team to mount this campaign. They're basically the f***** of engines. And they've been in headlines. Trying to let us know exactly why this would be a terrible idea. The leader of our Conservative Liberal Party, Peter Dutton, has said that the voice will permanently divide Australia by race and will re-racialise the Australian constitution, which kind of implies that at some point it was deregialised, which I think of us to

miss that part. Our constitution still has Section 25, which allows four states in Australia to ban certain races from voting. And actually, Andy, you and I were talking about this before we started recording, and you have a list of races that you would like to deny the right way.

Can you just write, what were they again? I'm sorry, I, there were so many of them, I couldn't write more than before. It sounded like he was reciting, we didn't start the fire with just rationalities and ethnicities. It was pretty messed up. Hopefully Chris was according to that. We should be able to put that in the phones.

It was nice that he made it rhyme. Yep, we'll put it out as next year. It was. It was. Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was. But yes, the no campaign features some pretty interesting people from the Australian riot. A guy called Gary Johns at a no campaign event a few months ago, suggested that intermarrying

between indigenous and non-indigenous peoples was proof that reconciliation would be achieved and therefore we didn't need the voice. Yes, because people who are married to each other never fight or have any issues getting along whatsoever. Former Deputy PM, a Barnaby Joyce too, who's in the National's party, he was quoted as saying, quite obviously if someone gets more rights because of their race,

then someone else is gets less rights because of the color of the skin or their race. Which is a very fensive sentence, both morally and grammatically. If he were sense of exactly where the intellectual debate is at, I suppose. Well, I guess if you're going to say something offensive, if you say it so incomprehensibly badly, it just knocks the top of it, doesn't it? It makes it a bit more tolerable.

You can't get me in trouble for this opinion because you can't prove what it is. Because you can't prove what it is. LAUGHTER In other Australian news, well, exciting news for fans of, well, importing toxic substance into Australia. Oh! Australia's trying to set it up as a world leader for the international trade of carbon pollution.

A report from the Global Carbon Capture and Storage Institute last year found that Australia could be quote an anconation for this trade. I think I heard the crowd at Lords supporting that view of Australia yesterday. I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, but it sounded very, very similar indeed. I mean, you must be very proud, Tom, that your country could become one of the great nations in the world for storing toxic substances under the sea. You are an anchor. Yes, I am very excited because we're one of the world's biggest exporters of fossil fuel

emissions, right? That means that we get rid of a lot of our missions. We lose a lot of homegrown, true blue, dinky dye, stray emissions, and we send them overseas. So we really want to get more emissions back in Australia to serve the local emissions industries and just to support small emissions businesses and just to remind us how much we love emissions. So we bring them in from Japan and Korea, who really make some of the best emissions in my personal opinion. And we get to take those emissions and bury them in carbon and capture storage projects in local Australian

waters underneath the sea. What could possibly go wrong if nothing else? We will get a Godzilla movie out of this. But we're basically becoming the storage king for the world's emissions. It's pretty exciting. Send us all your emissions. We'll take them for anywhere. We just signed the contract for American Farts. They're all now going to be coming to Australia, which is great. And all the hot air coming out of British Parliament is going to be pie-flyed directly.

Oh, that is a hell of a burn. So the restrictions were imposed around about 50 years ago. Under a piece of an agreement known as the London Protocol, now I know it was this year in the London Protocol, we're the unwritten rules by which we in London agree never to acknowledge the existence of another human being whilst travelling on public transport. But it turns out, it's something to do with exporting carbon pollution, carbon capture and storage. I'm a bit skeptical of, I don't want carbon captured and stored. I want to see carbon captured, tried in the court of law, and then fired into space as a warning to all the other chemical elements that want to destroy our way of life.

Josh, have you ever imported any large amounts of pollution yourself? Well, look, I will say the amount of ice cream I eat as an adult isn't personally any full, but it is alarmingly close to the amount of ice cream I thought I would eat as an adult when I was a child. That does contribute a fair amount to greenhouse gas emissions. I think this is a bold move. Because when we talk about cap and trade, right? Capping the amount of carbon you produce

trading for offsets. What we don't talk enough about is someone has to trade for that carbon, right? If you're trading it away, someone's taking that carbon on. So I think this answers that question. I also think an undersea carbon retention facility is gonna give us one hell of an episode of storage wars

several years from now. When they open that puppy up, I think people are gonna be blown away. But maybe this will give billionaires a new kind of historical technological site to visit and there's some more seables. Strange times, strange times. That story feels like it was 75 years ago and it was like nine days. Brazil news now, and well bad news are people, and I know many of our bugle listeners are

huge fans of Jaya Bolsonaro and are just waiting for the day in which he comes back to finish the job he started so heroically. But unfortunately, judges in Brazil have banned Bolsonaro from running for office for eight years over, quotes, appalling lies that he told during the presidential election. Now I'm very concerned about this as a democracy fan, because when a candidate for high offices not allowed to pedal to sea and mislead his electorate, what will our democracy have become? What about the many millions of people who want to vote for someone who will lighten them? Yeah, because as voters, we want the world to be as we want it to be,

not as it is, and we should be free to vote for politicians who can dilute us, who can safeguard our prejudices and who can nurture our delusions. And Bolsonaro has been banned from doing this nurture our delusions and bolson oros being banned from doing this by the woke legislature of Brazil eight years quite a long time sorry I haven't done the show for a little while when did we do the hard right sorry I forgot to update you on that yeah so we had a word with the advertisers do we have any advertising no yeah you've got to go where the money is. Eight years, he's trained to safe enough, though, as Rogan was listening to us. There's got to be some crossover on the Venn diagram, hasn't there?

We've got eight years he's been banned for, which I think works out at around 0.43 seconds per lie that he's told during his political life. I mean, this is... I don't know if this means that we will maybe get a chance per lie that he's told during his political life. I mean, this is, I don't know if this means that we will maybe get a chance of vote for Bolsonaro in our countries if he will be able to, because this is only a band for Brazil. He could come over here and apply to be, you know, the new Boris Johnson in the United Kingdom, because Boris Johnson has been forced to step down as Boris Johnson here in London. He could be running in the American presidential campaign next year or even, you know, he could,

I don't know if he'd bother, but he could become leader of Australia, Tom. Well, I mean, he'd be very welcome. He's got some fresh thinking. We'd be excited. Surely the Tories need to go through three more prime ministers before the next election. Surely the future. Like he Surely this is the fear. They can go involved within the UK. But he's allowed to run again in Brazil when he's 75 in the year 2030.

So he'll just be a spring chicken there. That's a little baby in terms of President years where the US is concerned. Oh yeah, I mean, in the context of Joe Biden, people hear a thing, well, let him get some experience for us. He'll live a little. So many five, you're in a whole country. Maybe start with a lemonade stand, one person ever. I think it's great that the judiciary

could just give you a tie-out for running a proper office just because you were naughty and you were taking the class seriously. That's f***ing awesome. So I know we've shatted a lot of the Supreme Court of the judiciary and unelected to old people, but if they get act like actual, you know, grandparents, I suppose, and say, cut it out,

enough mucking around, right? Sit in the naughty court for eight years, Jaya, until you come back, you know what the truth is. It'd probably be much for a minimal to their message. Yep. And no, screen time. LAUGHTER The ultimate punishment. We had our prime minister in the Test Match Special commentary box this weekend. He came in to do

the Saturday lunchtime interview and I had to escape the room as quickly as possible. So yeah, I don't know if he is quite a big cricket fan, which as indeed, but his two immediate predecessors, which slightly concerning, makes me think I might have chosen the wrong path in life. Hang on, a super rich conservative f*** likes cricket. It's the sport of the people. And Andy, were you including Liz Truss in that list? Or like many people had you forgotten she'd been completely forgotten?

Oh, so it was Theresa May and Johnson. I had forgotten Liz Truss. Do we know her stance on cricket? Or was she truly not prime minister long enough that we know any of her opinions on things? So I don't think, yeah, I mean I can assume she was wrong about that, she's wrong about everything else, but you know who knows. Food news now and well we all eat food, it's just one of the things that we have to do in life for whatever reason.

But the future of food could be very, very different. According to a report, we could have hyper-personalised diets bespoke to our individual nutritional needs, and artificial intelligence could enable us to taste our takeaways virtually before we order them, which bearing in mind the quality of some of the takeaways, Neil Reile of In South London, could bankrupt the takeaway industry overnight. There's also some tech big, they call breath tech, which apparently gives a deep level of insight into the food you should be eating. I mean, we already have breath tech, essentially, to give us that kind of advice that you should avoid macro and garlic. So I don't know why we need tech to do that as well.

This technology could examine your personal psychology and tell you what food. So now for me this is good news because we have too much choice in food these days, certainly in London. There's hundreds and hundreds of options, same in New York and Melbourne. And I would love some piece of technology that tells me that I'm the kind of person that should order a Scandinavian Red Currie with gluten-free ethical ferret meat and a side order of Radavans carrot sticks from a local despot themed vegan restaurant and some chocolate and platypus marshmallides for dessert.

I'd love to have that difficult choice taken out of my hands and free myself up for more, for writing my next right-wing rant for the vehicle. I mean, are you excited by this future of food where, you know, basically our thoughts will be subliminally read and food will be presumably downloaded directly into our gullets. We already have this, it's the brain, The brain tells us, well, food we wanna eat and then we go eat that food. It's a really good system, it's working for ages.

Yeah, I have a couple of problems with this. Number one, they're saying like this technology right for a personally specific diet is on the horizon. That's not true. I'm already doing this. The other night, I put hot sauce on some cold, leftover pasta and kind of picked it with my fingers and dropped it directly into my mouth.

And I can say with full confidence, there's nobody out there eating like me. That is an individualized diet. There's nobody else doing that, that diet. And- I can't do it. Does not come cute. Yeah, take that robot.

Artificial intelligence, isn't that? I'm shit on me, slightly buzzed, coming home from a comedy show. I can imagine that even with slight personal variations this is the thing that really gets me. There's slight personal variations right? Of course, person to person. These diets will be largely fairly similar. There'll be a lot of like fresh vegetables, lean proteins, some whole grains. Although it would be amazing to be the one person on earth whose robot doctor is like, well, we've run the tests

and we're putting you on a strict regimen of Cheetos and ice cream. And we've actually got you on a Mountain Dew IV right now. Good thing you caught this one you did. You could've died without this. I especially though, I especially hate the idea of tasting your take-up before it arrives. The best part of the day when you order take-out is anticipating the take-out and to take that away from us, to just be like, here's what it is before it even arrives.

That, what are we living for? What are we living for? What are we doing? What are we doing? The What are we doing? The Finally, some stupid auction news. We do like to keep our listeners up to date with some of the stupidest things humans have spent money on. And an auction in the last week or so. A handbag has been sold for £50, pounds, which sounds ridiculous enough in itself. But this handbag is smaller than a grain of salt. It is a microscopic handbag, and someone has

paid $63,000 for it. It is another entry in the list of things future generations will find out about us and come to the conclusion that we f***ing deserved everything we got as a species. 50,000 pounds for a handbag so small, you would probably need to spend several million pounds developing a microscopic dog to carry around in it. What have we become as a species? I mean, this is, I mean, this has got to be one of the most ludicrous stuff. Have you ever bought anything that ridiculous at an auction? Either of you.

Well, the idea that it was sold at auction is what's really special to me because it means there was somebody that was willing to pay 45,000 pounds for it and someone else that said no, I must have this handbag I need a way to carry around my one quarter of one grain of salt And it's simply getting lost in my normal size handbags so far And it's simply getting lost in my normal size handbags so far. It has to be the worst wedding anniversary gift on the whole time. Just a husband going, no honey, I got you something really special. Oh, where did I put it again? Oh, don't worry about it. It's 700 micrometers across, sold by art collective MSCHF, which is based in Brooklyn.

Do you live in Brooklyn? Josh, I can't remember. I do live in Brooklyn. This feels very broken. MSCHF, they also did those big red boots that you saw everywhere for about a week. Yeah. So they're really into either they have the worst taste of any collective of artists in the world or they just love pranking rich people.

And I hope it's the second one. How do you know that when you buy a handbag this small that they even give it to you? How about this? How about this? For 25,000 pounds. I'll give you a handbag that's half as big. What do you think about that? Just give me the money, just wire it to me, put it in my Venmo, and then I'll just, I'll

make sure you get that handbag delivered. I'll send it in a UPS envelope that will seem empty, but will contain 25,000 pounds worth of merchandise. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Thank you very much for listening. If your cricket fans do listen to the Bugle Ashes Zoltzkars running daily on the morning of each test match day for the rest of the England V Australia series. Plenty of other shows in the Bugle stable as well including the gargle with Alice Fraser Anything to plug Tom Oh, gee is yes, I'd love people to watch a TV show. I'm in called deadlock which is on prime video streaming worldwide

The final episode is out this week eight of eight. I plays Finn the terrible police officer So it's not it's not up that I'm a cop I'm a cop, I'm a f*** off, okay? On the side of the people, please don't hate me. And yes, people in Montreal, I'm coming to do my show It Is I for two nights at the, just last festival at the end of July, and I'm in Edinburgh for the fringe at the Monkey Barrel, for the whole bloody month, 6-10 pm at the Monkey Barrel. it is I, so many tickets available, it's actually unbelievable. So please come along.

And then you're in London in September? Oh, sorry, yes, yes, few shows in, so her theatre too, as well. I don't think they're on sale yet, off the top of my head, which is also probably an issue. We'll definitely be doing it there, don't you worry about that London. Josh, oh, I, so I read a newsletter every week called that's marvelous It comes out on Mondays you can get it Josh Gondelman dot substack dot com that keeps you abreast of all the other things and doing I'm on a fairly extensive American tour that is Modestfully sensibly routed so I'm going through next week through

San Diego San Jose Los Angeles Sacramento not in that order. Arizona, Phoenix area, the next week. I've gone through DC soon. I'll- that's the only one that's almost sold out. This is not like, when Taylor Swift goes on tour. You go to ticket master, you will have no frustration getting tickets to my shows. You're not gonna have to wait for two hours. That's another Josh Gondelman promise.

You click, purchase, you get those tickets to the suite. So in a bunch of other stuff, JoshGondolman.com slash schedule and I'm all over the place for the next few months. I'm very excited about it. You can hear me banging on about the cricket on Test match special for much of the next few weeks and we will be announcing a couple of live bugle shows for later in the year as soon as they have been confirmed in London. Thank you for listening, buglers. Until next week, goodbye. you