The Bugle - Emojency! 💼⚽💥🇺🇸 (4189)

Episode Date: April 3, 2021

Andy is with Tom Ballard and David O'Doherty for an Easter special. Who hates Jesus most? What's an easter tree and what's in Lil Nas X's shoes? Plus, doom news, blasphemy and a special delivery.We have a(nother) NEW SHOW. Subscribe to Tiny Revolutions with Tiff Stevenson, launching on 7th April with Armando Iannucci.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch (or some for yourself, it's allowed).The Last Post, keeps appearing here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanDavid O'DohertyTom BallardAnd produced by Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Join me, Tiff Stevenson, for a new series of tiny revolutions.

The podcast where I invite guests from comedy, music, TV and film to talk about what has been revolutionary to them and inspired their work. You'll hear from people like Armando Ianuchi, Maisie Richardson-Cellars, Simon Neal from Biffy Cliro, Roisin Connity, W. Camembert, NATO Green, Al Madrigal and more as they give a glimpse into the art, politics and movements that have shaped their lives. A new Bugle Podcast production of Tiny Revolutions with me, Tiff Stevenson. Starts Wednesday 7th April, subscribe now wherever you get your podcasts. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers and welcome to issue 4,189 of the Bugle for the 4,189 consecutive bugle

allowing for the 3,707 or so episodes that we skipped in the middle. I am Andy Zoltzman and when all is said and done, I'll be out of a job. I guess if no one's saying or doing anything anymore, this is going to be a very quiet podcast. Luckily, people are still very much saying and doing stuff so the bugle lives on and two guests join me today to say stuff about the things other people are saying and doing firstly. From Dublin, in what we in the UK now call the long forgotten continent of Europe, it's David Odocherti. It's been a tough year Andy. This was the year I was going to try and qualify for the Olympics at Twister.

And of course I couldn't train because you can't spend the thing even if you're just on your own and then the Olympics were cancelled and who knows they're going to happen this year. So just let's just try and carry on as fast as we can. Sorry to intrude on that. And I mean, in terms of selection for the Irish Twister team, obviously there's a great heritage of the sport in Ireland, but how close you to the top of the Irish Twister rankings?

I'm number one. Right. They're my rankings. You'll find them on my Twitter account. So that's the way to get to the top of rankings isn't it's just make them up. I mean that and the other hope was this was the era was going to become a straight magician but it's been a difficult year for that too because you approached anyone with the deck of cards on the street they're just like get lost.

It's been a tough time. In fact when when you think of the history of sport, essentially, it was largely a way to get Britain to the top of world rankings, and then we made the mistake of teaching other people how to play them to undercut the whole project. Also joining us from Melbourne, Australia, where he is currently, what's this bizarre phrase, performing live stand-up in front of a three-dimensional real human crowd. It's Todd Ballard. Hello, friends. Hi, everything's going great, Daddy. Why, do you guys read the news? What's happening up there? Oh, disgusting.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm solidarity with you all. I miss you. And I'm working on the vaccine, a ballad branded vaccine, specifically for Europeans that's coming your way. I think you guys want to be my guinea pigs. I think it'd be good. Happy to, happy to, but I'm a natural born guinea pig. How's the festival going? It's great with that all you stinkin' internationals, take you away our sweet teeth. Well, that's a lot of say. We're not always one of the stinking internationals. I didn't take money to take it to one of them. Count money tickets away. I'm talking to you. You've got a little jettison quibble with.

That's true. I'm going to get a lot of weird heckles this year like play your little keyboard. Observations about cricket. This sucks. I say no. You're getting ballad. That's all you get it. All right. It's been a tough year, everyone. We are recording on Friday the 2nd of April 2021 on this day in 1912 the Titanic began sea trials and absolutely crew threw them too easily if anything you can look at. Perhaps got overconfident for its subsequent trip across the Atlantic. On this day in 1800 Ludwig Van Beethoven led the premiere of his first symphony in Vienna, LVB, of course, very much the Taylor Swift of his day,

but different in many ways. Before having charts success with smash hits such as the Aroica symphony, the Moonlight Sonata, furry Lisa, not what it sounds, it was in fact a touching tribute to his pet gerbil, Lisa, and push it later covered by hip hop duo, Sulton Pepper, of course. LVB wrote advertising jingles for

popular products of the day, including so long syphilis, Dr. Halbgartner, Sheamus Waging Syr and packs off the pox, that was a sonata for string quartet. Snoutit premium snuff is simply never enough, no no says no to snout it snuff, that was a cantata for four voices and trombone, arguably the greatest musical sneeze ever composed, and a fralline fru frilly fancies, your neathers have never had such fancy fronicles, that was a concerto for bassoon and orchestra. As always, section of the bugle is going stronger. It's the key of laughing, everybody, through the different times, we've got to keep laughing, you've got to hang out, you sense of humor. It's very strong. Tom Ballard says that while sitting under a palm tree with people all dancing around them in paradise. No guys, enough flow jobs. I'm doing the vehicle.

So I fly, I have had a pound for every time I've had to sell it. As always, a section of the vehicle is going straight in the bin. This week, great questions of modern philosophy is going in the bin, including, can staplers feel pain? If free will is an illusion, how come I've just eaten 53 letters is in a supermarket without being asked to leave? If God's obviously rubbish at their jobs or banking off from work should we still worship them? If the universe is expanding faster than we thought, does this make us smaller? And if so, do we need to raise the minimum height for fairground rides? If is morality relative? And if so, at what level of wealth or political power does it become so relative that it ceases to exist at all?

If an artist can tell you that a piece of used kitchen towel they've glued to an empty jar of marmalade's art, can you claim that saying, f*** off and lends a pint, is in fact a poem? Is torture justifiable if it helps advance the plot of a TV drama series about terrorists which will otherwise become a 12 series courtroom procedural in which nothing much happens. And finally the big questions of the day we address in our section in the bin, is it possible to be partially right and partially wrong about something? And if a politician says something in front of a flag does that become more or less true? That philosophy section with all the answers in the bin this week.

that philosophy section with all the answers in the bin this week. Top Story this week, it's Easter. It's good Friday. That is a day that cost my team a lot of market share back in the day. How are you celebrating Easter this year? Well, it used to be the only day of the year that all the Irish pubs were shut, but they changed that law in 2019 and was the Lord displeased? You'd have to say yes. Oh no, we know. Now we know why it all happened. What does Easter mean to you on a deeply personal level? On a deeply personal level? Well, I mean, you know, it's booming this shit, but apparently people are going nuts for Easter. They're buying everything that they possibly can.

Egg sales are through the roof. And some say it's a response to the pandemic and people want to come together and celebrate with each one another and sort of reconnect with human beings. Others are saying that, you know, it is a sign that more and more people want to stick it to the likes of Andy's old spend and these people, you know, you can kill a Messiah or you want Andy, we will not let you place downward pressure on sales figures. All right mate. Okay, well, I see that. And for me, Ester is that special time of year when we all commemorate the smooth running of the judicial system as it's time. It's not judge things by modern standards. That's what we're keeping told. It's also, I mean yesterday it was April fulls day and of course, I mean that was

the origin of April fulls day was the first Easter itself on the first of April, I think it was 33 AD, the whole, I'm dead. I'm not dead. Give me five hours. I'll still saw that thing. But I mean, wow, wow. This is like all full stuff. I mean, people say it's got to commercial that whole thing, especially with Easter Reads this year. But I mean, I see the Christian context in everything. The Easter Reads reminding us of the wreath of thorns put on our Lord, you know, the Easter tree reminding us of the wood used to build across and then the Easter egg which is in the shape of a big fat zero which is what they found when they roll back the tomb. Yeah, you go girl Jesus. I mean there's different ways of inter. I mean, the Easter tree, I've not really noticed that before.

That seems to become more prominent. One of the leading British supermarkets reported that searches for Easter trees are up 1000% on last year. I mean, what the fuck is an Easter tree? I can't keep up now. Easter involves a buddy rabbit, chocolate eggs, chocolate bunny rabbits, hot cross buns, four day weekend, crucifixes, and now I've got a tree. Easter is becoming game of thrones at this rate. Every year, we're going to need a previously on Easter recap just to keep up. Well, hot cross buns, of course. I've actually

seen that. Oh, it's a really pretty thing. Of course, That's a really British thing. Of course, Easter is a very British festival. And because, you know, the Brits were one of the very few people who didn't actually crucify Jesus. But Hot Cross buns, they are fruity buns with a cross on the top. They are now also available with other forms of brutal execution decoratively parked on the top of the bun, including hot gillotine buns, hot electric chair buns, and for fans of British Imperial history,

hot strapping a local to the front of a cannon and blasting him to pieces buns. So you can get a lot of different forms of execution on your buns, please. I've got a hop buns all year round, if you know what I mean. I just, guys, the reason I've come on today is just to make sure that we do Remember the true meaning of Easter commemorating when Jesus went to an island in the sad Easter in Pacific and carved some giant stone heads

Why did he do us? We're not supposed to know how but we commemorate by eating our own head size in chapter and I Just let you know know I have a personal relationship with Easter Island that goes back to the 70s when I was the head of the Easter Island tourist board and they tried to promote the island not using the giant stone heads just emphasizing some of the other stuff there is such as the great transport links and shopping in downtown hangoa, but we went back to the heads there. I think it's good to see that

as commercialized as Christmas, it's like this is what Jesus the Socialist was going for. Okay? Everybody knows God sent him to earth in the fourth quarter of the financial year to help corporate stock clearance that had been killed and re-incarnated in between the first and second quarters to boost consumer confidence.

And I think as part of everyone's COVID economic recovery, business is actually gonna be pushing through a third Jesus-based holiday slash consumer astrology, just to further boost economic activity. It's gonna be around October, it's gonna be in celebration of Jesus by Mitzvah, which we really don't hear anything about at all. But to celebrate, you could celebrate by buying every single one of your relatives, a traditional Jesus by Mitzvah, which we really don't hear anything about at all. But to celebrate, you could celebrate by buying every single one of your relatives a traditional

Jesus by Mitzvah Amazon Candleset. Now, just $25.99 for a delivery. How about that Andy? It's true Tom. It's often overlooked. Well, there's discrepancies between the Gospels. Did Jesus throw the traders out of the temple? Or did Jesus say stay

and emphasize trickle down economics and how ultimately it would help the guys at the bottom? Big questions. We're celebrating 50 years of the Cadbury's cremage in this country. We're not going to be country, frankly, anything. You f**king idiots. Sit down. In our houses.

And I guess this explains the increasing popularity of Easter trees that people are now searching for. Absolutely fucking anything to break the crushing monotony of COVID life, even if it's making up a tradition of having decorative trees at a traditionally somber festival that marks the death of someone who was quite literally nailed to some tree. The cremae for those who have not come across it, so renowned confection has a chocolate outer coating or shell, a white made from the milk milky sweet liquid found inside dragons' eyeballs and the yellow yolk concocted from sweet and unicorn pus. I think I haven't read the ingredients list for a while, I could have gone a number of different ways with that. But there's been an advert featuring a same sex kiss

on a Cadbury's cream egg advert and it has caused all manner of holy meltdowns. Tom, you are contradicting the laws of Almighty God correspondent. I'll bring us up to take that. Thank you, Andy. I pleasure to finally fill the segment. I've been waiting for my chance. Ben, be in coach. Yes, look, this was an advert. This is sort of Kit Brown in February, basically two men are sharing a cream egg. They're celebrating the 50th anniversary by both kissing each other and sharing an egg

between their mouths. While a voiceover says, we are down with that. Of course, big of a zealots like Andy Zoltzman would rather voiceover simply say down with that, but that's not how he's out of sitting it through. But 30,000 people signed a petition to try and have the ad withdrawn saying that it was offensive to members of the Christian community, which I thought was pretty kind of tame. It, it's just two guys kissing, you know. I think if they really wanted to offend the Christian community, they could have shown five guys f***ing each other s*** holes with giant chocolate dildo s*** eggs. Well dressed as giant s***

bunnies, shoving s*** covered s*** cruisers in each other s*** buns, shooting their s*** cream all over each other s*** as well as furious s*** fucking the s*** out of each s***ing s*** balls and s***ing out their own s*** s***. Easter trees. You know what I mean? That was just like this. Right. That maybe could have worked. So I mean, so I see, I mean I do ask this, you know, respectfully as a Jew, Tom, but why do your people hate Jesus so much? I mean, people who disapprove of that act will have welcomed the news this week of the incredible quantities of sugar that there is in a catbury's cream egg. Somehow there is more sugar in a cream egg than there is cream egg and weight of cream

egg. It's like a black hole of sugar, but I have to say, it's not that super, I mean, what, you telling me Easter eggs, they had a lot of sugar in them? Nothing about that. I don't understand why I'm so healthy at the moment. I've been sticking rigidly to my 12 cream eggs a day, die up from it.

What I'm saying is those godless homosexuals will probably die soon from too much sugar. Hallelujah. It's an Easter miracle, everybody. I mean, why do you think that the Christians who are being told they're offended by this advert was so I mean was it was it because of the kiss or Because of it was an egg. Yeah, if it was a raspberry flavored sherbet crucifix being nibbled from either end by a 1970s priest in a terrified child would that be better or worse From a evangelical point of

I've not I mean is there evidence that when Jesus betrayed mr. Christ Evangelical point of not I mean is there evidence that when Jesus betrayed Mr. Christ What were the kiss there was a chocolate egg exchange between their mouths? Do we not mean this one? They did kiss did they Judas betrayed under the kiss there? Maybe there was an egg in there as well There was truthy all over it was really hot and stuff. It's it's quite possible from a from a blasphemy point of view I see Chris has calculated he can use 30 seconds of this report, etc. It's all ready in his three. Follow up, Christian Eddie's answer, what is the 1970s priest exactly? Can he show up with that? Is that one with a priest with amazing sideburns or snuffle?

What does it look like exactly? I don't know, I think it's a spiritual state rather than a temporal or fashion state. I say I say. I say. Cadbury's you just statement saying we are proud of our golden guberlead advert which celebrates the many ways that everyone can enjoy. Cadbury's gremac. What does it have with many ways? I don't know. A tiny rugby ball perhaps. To confuse a roosting pigeon by sneaking it into its net and seeing what happens or to demonstrate physics to a child who spends their entire life on Minecraft and assumes that everything is cuboid.

A quick Easter fact for you before we move on to the next story. The word yeast is in fact an abbreviation for Jesus Christ who seemed to be dead but then came back to life and rose. There's a little fact. Um, we don't know. Wow, hang on, I just need to state one more thing, which is... So, some nerd forensic anthropologist recently made a picture of what Jesus would have looked like, actually, because he's not the blonde-haired blue-eyed person that appears in the Renaissance paintings. We know. And he is a Palestinian man in the year, it's a Palestinian Jew in the year zero.

And he looks exactly like me. Somehow, I mean, this is a common face that I have. You'll notice it in the man who invented Tetris, he's a Russian man, Chris O'Dowd. There's a ceramic lion in Edinburgh Museum that somehow once a month someone tweets me and says, we saw a ceramic, you won't believe this, and I'll be like, is it a ceramic lion in Edinburgh Museum? Yes, it looks exactly like you. So what I'm saying is the next few weeks when the J-man has escaped from the J-cave is when I really start to startle people by wandering into churches in my white gown. I mean it's often like, you know, people are saying, I saw the face of Jesus and a slice of toast, but generally it's not the face of Jesus, it's saw the face of Jesus and a slice of toast. But generally, it's not the face of Jesus. It's actually the face of the 1970s Argentinian football

and Mario Kempe's. I think it's easily confused. Well, you are hearing the voice of Jesus right here on the bugle. What do you make of the state of the world, Jesus? Anything we're going. All good. Smoke weed. Moving on to a partially related story. Well, on the subject of blasphemy, the, well, huge

ruckians in the world of shoes. The musical acts Lil Nas the 10th. Is he Lil Nas the 10th or Lil Nas X? Look, I was looking forward to doing this story just to see the endy's oldsword take. I'm not looking for the rappers name. I'll just check the etymology online. Oh, so just say, well, it is Lil Nas X. He's named after the Australian cricket ad of Dennis Lillie. That's the Lil bit, arguably Australia's greatest foster. Former England captain, Nasah Hussein,

that's Nas and the X is from the 1930 South African or around a xenophon balas gas. So there we have massive Cricket fan, of course. And see, that surprises me there, because there were two ways he was going to go with that. Either the Cricket Roos, which in retrospect was obvious, or I thought he was gonna go, where X is a value determined by the following formula?

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. Have you ever listened to any hip hop in your entire life? No, I'll be honest, not a great deal, although my son does spend about 90% of his waking hours singing the musical Hamilton, I don't know if that counts. Oh, so anyway, Lil Nas X has tried to sell 660 pairs. Six even when he says it. Oh, God.

666 pairs of modified Nike's with a drop of human blood in the soul. This, that's S-O-L-E. of human blood in the soul, this S-O-L-E, Nike has launched legal action to try and prevent the sales. And I mean, this is one of the great stories in the history of modern footwear, isn't it? It's a pretty incredible promotion. He's got a new song out as well, in which he gives a lap dance to the devil himself. He's sort of playing with this whole evil done've all done it, we'll win there. We'll win to you, De. But yeah, he just basically solid modified Nike

and Nike are annoyed because they had nothing to do with the promotion. Plus, they're quite good friends with Satan. He's actually on the Nike board and he invented the whole switch shop thing. So they're worried about the bad press, I suppose. But yeah, it is genuinely a drop of blood from the company that made the shoe in the sole of each,

which I guess is a selling point if you want to have some blood and run around. But there is a bit of controversy and over whether the blood becomes the real blood of Lil Nasix when it's putting the shoe off, it's really symbolic blood of the old town road. Andy, if you knew anything about the footwear industry, you would know that there are no strangers to using controversy to sell shoes. For example, in the last few years, we've seen Nike Air Jordan Peterson's, that's his own The Wage Gap is a myth, right?

There's Air Max, well sponsored by Jelaine Maxwell at the center of the Jeffrey Epstein's Traversey and then going back to my youth, there's of course the Adidas Predator and we don't really need to go into them. So I was reading the delay and it wears those shoes every time she's running away from authorities. I'm glad she was providing and it's helped you know keep on the run this so long. But it's interesting from it from it from a footwear point of view that these shoes retailing for $1,018 which is the price linked to the biblical verse Luke 1018, which is in blazing on the side of the bloodshed. Or just slightly make you wonder why they didn't go for Matthew 2820, which is the most expensive gospel verse available with the 10th-S. Or even Luke 1716, which mentions feet in it. Of course, I did not have to look that up, but Luke 1018 says so he told them I saw Satan

fall lightning from heaven. And what as you mentioned in Lil Nas X's current music video, Tom, he does a lap dance for BL's above. And I mean, he's quite an extraordinary musical artist. He's an openly gay black rapper who stormed the country music charts. And that is a sentence that you would not have predicted existing just a few short years ago on numerous levels. I also wouldn't have expected the sentence, Eddie's ultimate knows what Hamilton is. These are strange times, I'm free to say that. Also, David, I know you're a huge fan of sport in general and it's unclear if these shoes make athletes run faster because they have human blood in the soul or if the blood, if you put steroid infused blood in the soul of your shoe, would that be even more effective

than the new Nike blatant cheat range of spring heeled athletic shoes like a shattering world record? Are you saying that in the future, they'll have to take your and blood sample from the athletes and then from the shoe after that? Yes. Yeah, I am saying that. Yeah, I mean, if you've got the blood of Lance Armstrong and the urine of Ben Johnson all over your shoe, you can absolutely fly around the track on you. The company tried this once before, the company that's made

these shoes for a little NASX. They launched their Jesus shoes in 2019. This is genuinely true, that contains 60 Males of water from the River Jordan and they should have been called Air Jordan's. So as well as the 60 Males of water from the River Jordan, they also have large nail holes in the top and the sole of the shoe. Oh, right, Andy, we get it. You got it, okay? God! I know you're all hyped up on the anniversary, but you use it. Literally, Jesus! Oh, that generally doom laden global news now and well let's start with a slight glitch in the global vaccine rollout. I mean, it has been various problems, British supplies been hit by bizarre decisions of some suppliers not to put Britain first. Despite Britain having been, despite Britain being a magic nation chosen by God to lead the world into a new dawn. I don't know, till that new 2.5 million pound government propaganda room in Downing Street is really working on me. But, um,

Europe, of course, well, David the vaccine rollout in the EU has been stymied by things going really shitly. And, well, now in America, 15 million vaccines have been ruined due to an error. Yeah, I mean, the old saying that laughter is the best vaccine has been disproven this week by Johnson and Johnson, which is a collaboration between Dwayne the Rock Johnson. And do you know which other Johnson? Guess the Johnson. Oh, oh, Johnson was it, was it, was it, uh, Oh, it's Delson. I think that's how many that takes a minute to go. No, it's actually Holly Johnson, the former lead-sayer of

Frankie Goes to Hollywood. And these two tribes of Johnson's nearly did go to her this week, when they found that they had ruined by confusing a key ingredient, 15 million shots of the vaccine that was probably destined for this country, seeing as U-Britz have taken all of the rest of the vaccine that was probably destined for this country, seeing as U-Britz have taken all of the rest of the world's supplies. Just 15 million though. I mean, that's just, you know, the populations in Barboy just, you know, it is, it is, who's the taster? Who was supposed to be

opening the lids and just giving them a little sniff before they sent them after Ireland? That's what I want to know. I think the employee that's good as I've has been demoted from employees a month. I think that he's been stepped down and taken these photos, they take it off the wall. So, you know, some heads are rolled, so that's that. Maybe it was a prank. Maybe they were putting a tiny bit of Viagra in every one, which wouldn't be much use because you've got obviously two weeks after you take the vaccine when you can't bone anyone. I actually had a vaccine and... Oh God, this is a couple of weeks ago.

So far it seems not to have had any significant proportionally effective other than the fact that I feel amazing. The chevrenner and a lugly be Vladimir Putin, yes, no, it's not, it's a very good one. That's for that, yes, possible, sure, you push in respite in like a eat oligblokin. So nothing to worry about, actually, I'm sorry for your theory, Zagorov, they're all blish gattos. It is the thing about vaccines, though, you have to get, it comes down to the small things, the ingredients, you know, it's a mix-up is enough to really ruin that vaccine it reminds me of the time that I mixed up KFC and UFC and went training and wrestled a load of kids to

the Grand Valley were trying to eat their lunch I read about that. My new children's books coming out in two days. And finally in our other general, DOOMLaden News news, a child has very nearly started a global nuclear war. This was caused by the Twitter account of US strategic command, which manages America's nuclear arsenal essentially. And a child tweeted some, a few incomprehensible letters, well, semi-colon, L, semi-colon, semi-colon, GMLXZSSAW. And I mean, that's still put it in the top 27% of most coherent tweets, according to the social media, and so on. But I mean, this, this, essentially, I mean, it was like

the Cold War all over again in a single, a single tweet. Luckily, yeah, the crisis was, was averted. But what happened was the Stratcom social media editor was working from home. Quotes, momentarily left the command's Twitter account open and unattended, which in layman's terms is went for a shit. And his young child fled with his computer and unknowingly tinkering with the keyboard, tweeted this, which could easily have been assumed to be the coach for a nuclear strike. But luckily we're alive today. Okay, the Amazon man has just called to the door. I realize it's a horrible piece of capitalism happening during the view. I have to get this parcel. I'll open it live in the podcast.

Oh, an unboxing video. Here we go. Unboxing audio. I don't know if that's some record, but it's cycling here. If anyone can make a work, it's saddles. Is it something to do with your little bike, David? How dare you? How dare you? Just because I have 14 bikes, and I had a traumatic break up at the start of the pandemic

and bought another three. Yes, here is a parcel. I genuinely don't know what it is. So let's just open it, live on the bugle. God, this never used to happen when John Oliver did this. Here we go. Oh, it's tires. Oh!

Oh, they're good. They're semi-road semi, I bought them on eBay last week. Ah, they've come from... I don't know. I don't know. Round enough, David. Oh, it's supposed to be round as a figure. Oh, wobbly.

You have to put air in them. They don't send them fully infl David. Oh, it's supposed to be round as a figure. I'm a wobbly. You have to put air in them They don't send them fully inflated Well, that's something to look forward to after the podcast What a pig behind the curtain. He's just like you and me guys with 14 bikes I was glad it was a beautiful, it was a really humanizing moment with the the Stratcom Twitter account I thought. And really is the child any less qualified than anybody else in the American military

industrial complex to be firing off codes? Does that make any less sense than any who Donald Trump said is president or that Joe Biden is regularly thinking on a regular basis? I think that kind of message, Colin, Colin L, Colin GMLX, SSAW, that just pops into Joe Biden's brain every now and again. With memories of his time as a lifeguard in the 70s. You know, good fun. I couldn't look at it and not think that maybe it was a scrabble game. I know there is 10 letters and that's too many,

but I had a little think. You've got smalls is there and that's where it's pretty measly eight. Slags! That's where it's six. The big dog is Zags with a 14. I couldn't get one with the Z and an X in it, but I'll keep working on it. What about X slags, which is a particularly raunchy kind of slag? And that slags with a Zed on the end too, which is like straight hot sexy slags. Straight Scrabble is not a thing that way. You've got to have Zed wax, which is part of the new range of bugle beauty products. What struck me most about this story was this, that US strategic command has a social

media editor at all that exists that could then leave as computer unattended for a child to talk, you can go on. But why does US strategic modern need social? And what God forsaken emojis do they have up their sleeves for future use? Is there an emergency? An emergency? This is an emergency. the world is going through an emoji. Is there an emoji for the smoldering remnants of a city or radiation sickness or for an unenhabitable planet or maybe more optimistically just for decades of political breakmanship? It's got a gold war emoji, but this seems just unnecessary, isn't it? Social media editor.

Well, I give you suitcase, football, boom, an American flag. LAUGHTER For a back Thursday, too, the Cuban Missile Crisis. LAUGHTER So, I just took the time in a place for take your child to work day, and obviously in Trump's White House, it was every day,

but I just don't want a child in charge of playing Keeping Up With The Nuclear Football. Bugle Archaeology section now, and well, I mean, modern world is a bit of a mess, but the ancient world was arguably even more so. And most of what they've left us is itself a mess, and it leads archaeologists to put it together and What's a fascinating world archaeology some amazing discoveries have been made recently and also some amazing pieces of

Thievery in the past now we touched on this briefly in the live show last week for those of you who are watching it the British government has ruled out returning the Parthenon marbles to Greece, the culture secretary, Oliver Dowden supported Prime Minister Boris Johnson who ruled out their return because they were legally acquired at the time. That was Johnson's argument and bearing in mind all the laws he's currently happy to break. It's interesting that he's an absolute stickler for early 19th century laws about what you are and are not allowed to steal from other countries and bring back to put in your museum Cultivatory Oliver Dowden said if we gave them back would be like pulling on a thread And lead to us having to give back a f*** of a lot of stuff

sometimes You know, it's good to pull on a thread You know, if for example the thread is in a tapestry of a hungry lion and it's hanging outside a home for zebras with confident issues, pull on that thread. And also, I mean, where does it go to the path of the marble, which have been in British possession for a couple of hundred years now? There is a fantastic, especially built museum in Athens with views up to the path and on itself from where, as the name suggests, the marbles came from and where the bits that Lord Elgin couldn't fit in his suitcase already reside.

So it's difficult with museums, because here in Britain we need stuff from overseas, because artifacts from the same time, 400, 500 BC, British artifacts from the same equivalent time period including to stick a stone and some pointy things. So it's understandable that we want to borrow for hundreds of years, other people's creations. David, what's your view on returnism, which is a word that's been sort of invented to justify not returning things. Well, Andy, I would like to take the moral high grant here, obviously, but I've just received delivery of the famous tires of Budapest. And if those people think they're getting them back, they've got another thing coming,

even with eBay's excellent return policies. I'm going to be hanging on to these. You're right, it's a thread and if you start to pull it, do you know what happens then? Justice. And that's what you people hate. Yes, I mean, what's next? Giving back Australia? We kind of forgot that.

For God's sake. Football news now and well, Joanne Luigi Booth on the legendary talent goalkeeper has recently copped one of football's weirder bands for blasphemy and also we've had to protest by the Norwegian national team and various other national teams against the human rights abuses related to the Qatar World Cup, which is due to happen at the end of next year. David, as our football blasphemy and protest correspondent, is bringing us up to date with these stories? Well, it's interesting, because it's shown that there are actually many medieval laws still on the statute books of Italian football. We remember that in 2011 Andrea

Perlo received a too much suspension for eating a suon at half time. In 2009, Janara Gattuso was banned for a month for leading a cow while drunk in a post-match celebration and in 2014, Zlatani Behemovic declared himself God of all men and received no sanction whatsoever. And that actually happened. I mean, there has been some, is backlash the right word? To the fact that the news that 6,500 workers it's estimated have died while building stadiums in Qatar in extreme heat for the 2022 World Cup. Germany, the Netherlands, Norway, all-war pre-game t-shirts protesting about this. Ireland, though, made the ultimate sacrifice to

the cause by losing this week to 98th and the world ranked Luxembourg in a qualifier for the World Cup and selflessly sacrificing their chances of qualification. Yes, they followed it by drawing with guitar and a friendly and not doing any protest whatsoever when that would have actually been shown on TV and guitar, but the lads knew that they'd committed the big act the few days before. Heroes. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle, as I said, on You Can See Tom Ballard at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival until when, Tom?

Until April the 18th. And where are you on? From up the Melbourne Town Hall, it's going to Sydney Comedy Festival for two nights as well in May. All the details on my little website, Tom Ballard.com.au, and I'm sorry, I give a tribute to both you and DoD every night on stage where I steal your material to bat at my show without a fillet hour.

So yeah, let's, my tribute to you guys. You can also see Alice Fraser's show which starts this weekend, I believe, for the rest of the festival. David, any shows to plug? Yeah, I'll be crying under bridges around Dublin until you decide to give us some of your vaccines. So you've all had 30 vaccines each in the UK

and then maybe I can get back to doing gigs. Check my website for full details at which bridge I'll be crying under tonight. Is your book due out soon? Or is it already out? It's coming out in about a month. Tonight. Is your book due out soon? It's coming out in about a month. They haven't announced it yet, but I'll announce it right here. It's called the Summer I Robbed a Bank, and it is my first attempt to write a novel for 11 or 12-year-olds.

Well, my trial audience of 11 or 12 year olds, absolutely loved it. So if you have an 11 or 12 year old, but no other age, do you want to go to this fourth gathering mug? No, no, no. Great, thank you for that. Thank you for listening, Bueglos. Thanks to Tom and David for joining us.

We will now play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them and to make a one off or occurring donation to the Buele Voluntary Subscription Scheme go to BuglePockast.com and click the donate button. James Buthroid thinks waterfalls are overrated. People go on and on about your Niagara's, your Victoria's and the like, but seriously if it wasn't water falling over these things but animals or crockery or bicycles we'll be very critical of them and demand they were shut down. It would be, oh my god, look at that

writhing pile of bad-linged armadillos, twisted BMXs, and commemorative royal wedding side plates, how absolutely awful! But we cut water too much slack, because it's supposedly vital to all life. Really a noisemite concludes James. Patrick Moyner and I expect one of the legacies of the current global situation to be a surprising number of homemade tunnels and subways. Patrick explains, I expect people will have been living out exciting fantasy life just to keep things interesting, and I would expect one of the most common of these to have been imagining they were having to escape from a jail or prison camp. Did you know that sales of vaulting horses have

gone up by 700% in the last year, or at any rate, I haven't heard that they haven't gone up 700% so they might well have done. Frankly, concludes Patrick, if I didn't live in a third floor flat, I'd definitely have done that just for fun. Emma Locke believes doodling should be considered an art form in itself. We give way too much credit to artists who put lots of thought and effort into their work, says Emma, and not enough to those who just absently let their subconscious mind express the true feelings of their soul.

Anyone could hack out a cysteine chapel ceiling if they had enough time in the right sort of scaffolding, but the doodle is a true window into the unguarded human id. Look at what I just did, it looks like a pigeon, but it is not a pigeon! Make up that what you will. And finally, Lewis Needle often wonders how many hauntings by ghosts should in fact be marked down as accidental hauntings I imagine says Lewis that when you're a ghost it can be quite hard to get the information you need on exactly who lives Where and when they're going to be in so I reckon as many as 65 to 68% of hauntings could be of the wrong people by the wrong ghosts

And don't get me started on poltergeists. They're just common or garden trouble making hoodlums for me Here end it this week's lies, goodbye.