The Bugle - Everything Is Fine

Episode Date: January 12, 2021

Andy is with Hari and Mark to, OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED IN WASHINGTON??!??! And other news.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch (or some for yourself, it's allowed).We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can still hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanMark SteelHari KondaboluAnd produced by Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello Bugleers, and yes, it does appear that 2020 has spilled into 2021. Apologies for that. I'm Annie Zoltz and this is issue 4179 of the bugle. It is now the 42nd of December 2020, or the 11th of Trumpember, the 19-day Tribute Supply tribute supplement added to 2020 by the dates an international calendar's World Advisory Directive or DicWatt. I literally have not moved since the last bugle recording. In fact, if you listen now very carefully, you can probably hear the echo of the end of last week's show. Please send oxygen. Here in London, word is just reaching me that in order to make people abide by the latest anti-movement COVID regulations the government will be reducing the temperature to minus

272 degrees Celsius so that no errant particles in your body, mind or soul, even contemplate wobbling around dangerously and joining me this week, well to pick over the smoldering remnants of the American dream it's from America, Harry Condabolo can dream. It's from America, Harry Condobolo. Hello, Harry, how how's how you well it's out I'll say how are you just say how are you co- Stop, Andy. How am I how am I doing? I know you read I know what you know what's going on. Terrible, I'm terrible. Everyone's terrible.

Okay. Well, we will flesh that out further in Dukelaus on the show, and joining us from here in the United Kingdom, where, well, we have a little bit to tell you Americans about the decline in fall of empire, so do pay attention, it's Mark Steele. Hello. Hello, how are you, Mark?

Well, terrible. I've got just, I I'm the only way to be is terrible the most annoying asses are people very well you've got to stay cheerful and you don't matter is it we're worse in the blitz just got in a laugh and yeah Of course miserable just it's terrible and I don't know that there's not a purpose to living at the moment you just get through the day a bit like if you're a millie-peed. No, if you're a millie-peed and somebody says,

how are you? The millie-peed thinks, I'm just f***ing wobbling around on my bloody indeterminate number of limbs until bloody bird comes down and eats me. And that's pretty much what we're doing here, isn't it? Just go, I've got through another day without ending up on a bloody feng to like that. Let's go into those and of course Crystal Palace got knocked out the cup as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, more than that could all be made up, couldn't it? No one's allowed to the games, it could just be a really well sort of brilliant software

and they just got all these little players running around on computer games. I am starting to think when it comes to Covid, if it is a hoax it's a f***ing good one isn't it? I mean you've got to give them credit the hoax mongers, they've gone in big, this isn't just you know making up a load of obviously unfeasible dinosaurs to try to hudwink the gullible into thinking the world is more than 6,000 years old. It's not claiming that Lenin was a mushroom, that Lenin was a mushroom. That was a conspiracy theory. Genuinely, look it up. That was news.

I was really skeptical of the conspiracy theory that the vaccine was just deployed by Bill Gates to put microchips. Right. But it almost seems as I'm actually thinking of it might be something in it because the other day a woman of about 93 crossed the road to tell me to buy a Microsoft Word Excel hackies for 69, 99 every three months. So I think it might be something in it. Yeah and it's you know it I mean to be honest it this is a hoax it is making the moon landings sorry the so-called moon landings look like a school nativity play. We are recording on the 11th of January, on this day in the year 1567, the first ever lottery in England was held, part of a great national tradition of undeserved, randomized rewards

that lives on today in the form of the honours system. And the lottery was to raise money to help England expand its influence, wealth and power around the world. How times change? All ticket holders were promised, this is extraordinary. The tickets were, I think, ten shillings. And all ticket holders were promised freedom from arrest, for all crimes except murder, felonies, piracy and treason. I think Trump might be over four on those now, I think. And the winner got £5,000, which is a massive sum at the time, £5,000. Now, of course, a cubic centimetre of the glute of a mid-range Premier League left back. But five grand back in 1567 was serious, which it was paid partly in money and partly in tapestries and good quality

linen, which is coincidentally how we pay bugle co-hosts. Did I not let you know that before? Anyway, there's some absolutely top end tapestries coming all the way. On this day, in 1759, the first American life insurance company was incorporated in Philadelphia under the catchy title of the Corporation for Relief of Poor and Distressed Presbyterian Ministers and of the Poor and Distressed Widows and Children of the Presbyterian Ministers, or as it was of course known CRPD, PM, PD, WCPM. But this was before America learned about branding. I mean, that's a tough sell, isn't it?

The corporation for relief of poor and distressed Presbyterian ministers and of the poor and distressed widows and children of the Presbyterian ministers, that's not how America would do it now, is it not a catchy title for a company? What do they call it now? I think it's part of some bigger insurance group. But I'm dead press. But I think we need to learn about Brownie. You look at petrol stations.

Apple green is an Apple green petrol station that by putting the words Apple and green in it's title, I think means that your car no longer pollutes. And Doris the happy frog is a major dealer of arms to Saudi Arabia. As always, the section of the vehicle is going straight in the bin. And it's a phrases section with the world changing so fast. Many of the old phrases are no longer applicable. And I've had words changed by the International Language Committee.

The old phrase with power comes great responsibility. It's now with great power comes great social media profile and a deluded sense of personal and courageability. The darkest hour is right before the increasingly dark, subsequent four years and repercussions spanning potentially decades. Fools rush in, no longer, where angels feed the trade. Fools rush in, where their full leader tells them to rush in. That's been updated in the last week or so.

If it ain't broke, smash the f***ing thing to pieces. The pen is mightier than the pencil. That's really all that's mightier than these days. And honesty is the last refuge of the vice president. So that's a phrase section in the bin. Top story this week, the American Uncivil War, it's, well, how are you? Are you a collapse of American civilization correspondent, a role which you've embraced with great enthusiasm over the past four and a bit years. In fact, you were on the first bugle after we relaunched just before the election of President Trump. So just

bring us up today with the recent events in Trump's America. I mean, let me first say, will the aliens get here already? This is the time. We're weak. We're diseased. We're destroying ourselves. This is the time. You know, there's a lot of things one could say about Trump, but the man can make an exit.

I mean, he leaves with a bang, bang, bang, bang. Wednesday started great. It didn't start out all shit. I actually felt optimistic for about an hour because the Democrats won the Georgia runoffs, which gave them control of the Senate, the House and the presidency, which is a huge paradigm shift, right, in American politics, because it changed the question from how Republicans going to prevent anything from being done

to how are the Democrats going to f**k this one up. **laughter** That's that's that's huge. Very big victory also it was it was Rafael Warnoch and and John Ossoff and they beat Kelly Leffler who's the most racist NBA owner since Donald Sterling. And David Perdue, who's a generic rich white guy from casting. Um. American politics needs more of them, doesn't it? Yeah, I mean, he, he, this is, he'll be back.

He'll be fine. They're currently bathing in gold coins, so both of them are fine. But Warnau Kanasov,, one again, which is exciting. I wish the headlines read, Republicans get knockoffed, but nobody decided to have. That was for you, Andy. I don't write jokes like that.

I'm much appreciated. That's been the best thing that's happened to me this year. A black man and a Jewish man are now the two senators of the state of Georgia, which to explain how likely that is, the only thing less likely is if they became senators in the country of Georgia. So I was in a good mood until I put on the news about, you know, sometime in the afternoon. And I saw the capital under siege.

The colonizers were getting restless. They were, the capital was raided by Trumpers, prod boys, and what appeared to be extras from Mad Max Fury Road. Also potentially some tourists who saw a line and just gotten it. I think that's how the British Empire started. Which is, if we go back to the very beginning of this sorry story of cool. After months of claiming the election was stolen in years of being a piece of shit from Trump released the crackin. They smashed through the doors of the capital and went onto

the senate floor. They went into Nancy Pelosi's office and sat in her seat, things were destroyed and stolen, people took selfies of themselves, or as they're now known, self-incrimination-ies. Some were armed, some had handcuffs, two IEDs were found, IEDs of course are improvised, explosive devices. You might be familiar with those since they were found in a rock during the most recent war We had with them when we claimed that we were trying to bring democracy over If the people of Iraq had seen this footage from last week beforehand They probably could have said don't worry. We have that here already

It was true. I mean, I think one of my favorite point, if you can have a favorite, that seems the wrong word. But at that rally that you mentioned before the violence kicked off. As a Trumpal Stiltskin was throwing his toys out of the prime by toys, I mean violent supporters and out of the prime, I mean directly up the road to storm the capital building. He called the election result bullshit and at which point the crowd then started chanting bullshit, bullshit. And I think that might have been peak irony in human history. Trump's crowd chanting bullshit, bullshit at Trump Trump might I think that in fact might be the basic the moment that all civilization Essentially ended it's over the here. There's nowhere for the human race to go after this Especially as I mean what surprised us all was that it was Trump doing this you think

Well, it's just so out of character of it It just shows you it's always the one you least expect. The end up causing trouble isn't it? All his neighbours, well he keeps himself to himself, you know? Oh, it's so, it is as bad as you could. I know people said, oh, what can you say at Saturday and all that sort of thing. But when you've got like a bloke dressed as a buffalo Viking man, and have the dressed as Nazis, and they're in the capital building.

And the guy like everyone say, they're just, the police are just pretty much just letting them in. And presumably they must have thought, well mean if there's if there's two groups of people that you know throughout history aren't going to do anyone any harm it's Viking and Zanaxis so we might as well let them in it's so bad and just I wonder now because we all thought I had that you know I was thought right, oh imagine if anyone, anyone without the proper credentials or with any sort of vaguely malicious intent got within a thousand yards of the capital building even looked at the steps there's probably some special laser thing from space that goes ffff and they never heard of again. And in fact, you could just walk up, smash a window, and walk in and I think now probably every campaign should try this, to say the Cheltenham cycling lane campaign. Instead of just having a little rally outside the local town hall, should just invite the capital building

and cycle over some old portrait of Frank N. D. Roosevelt. Anyone, Harry Krishner, since it had been going up down Oxford Street, gonging in gonged, that you just smashed their way in. Bang some, bang some, some sin it as they're gonna gong. And, er, anyone, you're just allowed in. There's a time, Aaron's talking about the selfish people are taking, but they probably, if this keeps happening, they won't, you won't even need selfish, because you know when you go on a water slide at a theme park and you

come off and there's all their pictures they've taken of each person you can buy it. They'll be like that, they'll be like glad to buy a little memdol photo. We've got one of you pissing on the senators desk here. I can understand from a certain point of view, Donald Trump really doesn't want to move house because moving house is a pain at the best of times isn't it? And especially during a pandemic. But I think he's taken this just a little too far.

When you look at how many clities, string of failures, how are you have led to this heartbreaking, stomach churning, lethal malarkey, a string of failures dating back to, as discussed, 1776 of course, and the decision to unburden the USA of the Transatlantic Unbillical Court, a nurtured America with God-given world leading British wisdom and insight that can still be seen in the fact that Britain is the greatest nation in the world right now, absolutely everything, some 245 years later, must stop commissioning Gavin Williamson, the education secretary to write my scripts. But there we go.

It's, I mean, how is this, how is this, was this the end of, was it the last thrashings of an idiotic serpent's tale or, I mean, is it the culmination of delusionist politics, this mutant variant of democracy that is philosophically committed to nurturing, sharing and promoting delusion or is it just the end of episode one of a teagiously elongated horror series. Now, this is the end of the new hope. We haven't even started the Empire's straight, but... Strikes, but... This is... This is just the big...

Like, now we've seen them... Riot... Because just because Trump's gone, he'll be martyred probably, like, if you get thrown in prison or whatever, like, he's not going away. These people aren't gonna go away. In fact, they have weapons and despite the fact

that militias tried to kidnap a couple, not one but a couple of American governors and threatened to kidnap the governor of Michigan's family and the governor and kill them uh... you would think the security would have been beefed up a little bit when a whole bunch of these people storm the capital so i think it's not over partly because uh... we have seemingly taken very few steps

uh... to prevent it uh... note again that there hasn't been a terrorist attack in a while. They focused, sorry, a foreign terrorist attack. They've focused a lot of the energy on that and I think that's wasted because if I was a terrorist in another country and saw what was happening to America, I would probably think to myself, don't worry America, you got this. I'm not going to waste my airline miles. Well, Harry, I think in what is a hotly contested field, that might

be the most depressing joke ever told on the bugle. And it has been a fair few over the last, oh God was it, 13 years. But at least, Harry, we're just nine days away now, we're here called from being able to wake up for the first time in four years without our first words of the day being, I had this batshit crazy nightmare in which America had elected as its president. Oh the fuck is that on the front page of my fucking newspaper?

Only nine more days of that. I mean, the only person I could imagine this last four years really helping is 15th President James Buchanan who was regularly listed as the worst president of the United States. He is sending in his gold medal as wastebake. After all these years of being on the bottom of the list, thinking it was hopeless to ever considering that his presidency ended up leading to the Civil War, the fact that Trump topped it with a Civil War and a pandemic and a threat

of nuclear war. That's pretty, that's pretty good. What, I mean, it's pretty much New Cannon. This is what I want to mention is that he's, he's, it's, it's, it's Twitter account has been permanently suspended, but he still has control of America's nuclear arsenal. Now, is that the right way around? Have we canceled those subscriptions in the correct order? Here's the thing, he does not,

I think he's not gonna use those nuclear weapons, right? And it's not because he's worried about the sake of humanity, he doesn't wanna die. For the sake of self-preservation, you won't do that. If the world ends ends then he ends Like if the aliens came down he'd negotiate with them and give them the world, you know, that's not an issue He'd sell us all out because he'd be okay but in a in a in a

Nuclear situation. No, he might die and that's a his whole life has been about self-preservation But if the all this like so we all say all of these things, most people in the world are saying things are very similar, but the only people who didn't seem to be aware that something like this would happen would be the people in charge of defending the building, or just sort of, we couldn't possibly, there were just no clues that he would do anything like this very critically he said once or twice a day on all of his social media accounts come to Washington DC on the 6th of January we're going to smash up the capital building I'll mark down there with you but this is so carefully coded that no one was able to work out the fact that

many people are going to go in there at all and I never just said that, well I was only reading this morning, I mean, you know this much better than me but there was lots of discussions, wasn't there between the people who ended up going there about what should we take, do we take guns, what's our aims and all that just like you know people on a going on a day trip or Stay until the evening it was like that and And somebody spotted it that that's what they were gonna do Oh the people you said that we're gonna do something have done the thing they said they were gonna do

Led by a person who said for we're going to do something have done the thing they said they were going to do Let by the people who say for years this is what he was going to do The t-shirts that really struck me the Sixth of January civil war t-shirts. I mean that's You see people wandering around with those on again, you know, you think you know at least an alarm bell would dingle somewhere So you think at least in a lawn bell would dingle somewhere. Current scene news now and well if money makes the world go around we've got problems here in Britain because a coin has been released that had errors on it, a tribute coin to the science fiction writer H.G. Wells, a two pound coin, apparently had a wrong quote on it. I also had a pictures of some of his famous creations, the Tripods, which he wrote

about and then subsequently became a TV series in my childhood, but a tripod with four legs, which generally goes against traditional Tripod 3-leggedness and apparently the invisible man and another one of Wales's famous characters was wearing the wrong kind of hat. Which I mean Mark this out of all the trouble Britain's had recently this is the last thing we needed isn't it you know some some misprints on a coin. It's absolutely the last thing really. It reminds me in fact of you know I'll do a show where I go around towns, right about the towns and that's been a little bit tricky in over the last 10 months. Just a couple of days before the lockdown I went to Stratford upon Aiden's right to show about that

and Stratford on Aiden's where Shakespeare was born and given their due, they've not made a big scene of it. Just entirely from start to end, just every little bit of strappled on even is full of shakiness. These are real ones. There's a butcher's call to beef or not to beef. There's a cafe, there's one really annoyingly, there's a cafe called if music be the food of love, play on. But that's really annoying me because that's about music, not f***ing food you ing are an idiot. So it should have been if food be the music

of love, then cook on essentially. This is the point I'm coming to. There was a great big, there's many great big gift shops there. And one of them had T-shirts with Shakespeare quotes, or one of which was, I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you have come unarmed. William Shakespeare, but it wasn't Shakespeare, that was Oscar Royal, and this is bloody shop, he's selling this fraudulent f***ing stuff. All you've got to know is check it's really easy, just knock on Google for 10 seconds. But no, and similarly these two-pound coin people have done the same with

HG Wells. They've gone, oh yeah, there were these triplets come there, and they were tri-pods with four legs. Who are they employing to do that? That's all we've got to do! Oh, job is to check out many legs on a f***ing tripod! Well, I see it as a Brexit thing, Mark. You know, take that Brussels with your regulations on how many legs tribal have.

We're Britain again now. We're gonna have fucking four legs on our tripods. I mean, to be fair, to be fair to the people who, you know, made the HG Wells coin, you know, if they had a time machine, I'm sure they could go back and fix. Yeah. Exactly. That's probably what they're working on. And then this bit will make no sense.

The wrong shape hat for the invisible man, I was less fussed about that because H.E. Wells wrote the invisible man story in the 1890s. So he was a man in the late 19th century and b, he was invisible. So I reckon he's going to have at least two hats, minimum, probably multiple hats. So, you know, I mean, why would you only have one hat if you don't have a visible head? Yes, why agree with that? As a man with multiple hats, I would agree with that. In fact, I was in a hat shop in London. I like this, it was these prestigious hat shop, and there were these two old fellows of work there, both sort of at like 70s, and they dressed him accurately.

And one of them came in, as he came in, he said to his mate, and that must have been work in there every day, in exactly the years and years, and one of them said, I've just been through Trafalgar Square. You wouldn't believe the number of people who aren't wearing hats. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha declining hat wearings since a few wearings today.

Bless him. In other currency news, Bitcoin has doubled in value in the last month. In many ways this again is a story that encapsulates everything about the modern world as we get more and more anxious about reality, Bitcoin, the even more fictitious pseudo-cryptocurrency, that's even more fictitious than real money, and it's doubled in value over a month. Essentially, the financial markets are increasingly fleeing any market, even tangentially linked to the real world, and are going all in, essentially, on fictional parallel universes. And I mean, I don't understand economics, as you guys both would know, having

worked with me over the years. But how can you sort of, because Bitcoin was worth five years ago, cool, which was correct. But it's cleverly exploited this endemic floor in the human brain, regarding how economics works. And it's alchemized itself into one of the most valuable non-physical things in the universe, just as the value of hope,

joy and truth of collapse, even further over the past year. How do you explain this Bitcoin doubling in value at the moment? I mean, I don't, to me, like, when I read this story, it felt like they were saying, the snazberries taste like snazberries. Like, I'm like, I don't, the hell's a snazberry? I don't know how they work. I don't know what they're supposed to taste like.

So, I mean, it's they work, I don't know what they're supposed to taste like, so I mean it's I Yeah, because it's as you say and because it's just in them in them mind and if you are aware of that I suppose you could buy 100 X and the next day sell it for 200 X and you've got you've got your 100x profit that is in the real world but people tend to believe it and they go these X's are now actually worth more and therefore they can't stop going up in value like the tulips. You know about the tulips in the... Yes, yeah, yeah. So once people believe it, that's the same with bonds and that was the same with debt packages before 2008. The debt packages were just being bundled together and sold from bank to bank

to bank and everybody forgot what it originally was so it didn't have any relationship to the real world which is why the tulips, it wasn't really tulips, it was tulip bonds. They'd just go in our banana, banana, they can't stop. But there's no actual real value being created. So eventually when someone goes, oh actually I need my tulip bond or my debt package or my bitcoin or whatever it is back. Like, well this is best explained really, as I think, this is one of the best explanations, it's a bit complicated, but in may repoppins, when the little boy says he wants his money back from the bank, his six months, whatever it is, and they all panic and think the money's not the banks running out of money, because because people think the banks running out of money, then it does indeed collapse

bringing about the destruction of Edwardian society and at the end of the age of difference, the rise of women's suffrage and the triumph of child's imagination as per the aim of the people who wrote me a reply. The horrific dystopia right there with Handmaid's tale in my book. Others who are cryptocurrencies doing well at the moment include pretendograms, Victor Dough, Spoofweige, Fow Florins, Bragging Rights and the Swiss role.

And Elon Musk has jumped on board. He's recently become the world's richest person, subject to confirmation that he does actually exist. And he's said that he would happily be paid in Bitcoin. His personal wealth has been valued at $190 billion, sneaking him ahead of Jeff Bezos, who's having to tighten his belt to get by and just $185 billion at the moment. He might have to start doing some of his packaging

and postage himself just to make ends meet. And do you think there's anything he can't afford? Do you think he's got a f***ing L? Look at that, I was going to buy Saturn and I haven't got enough. Elon Musk long-term rival, Pee Laos Snork has announced plans to build a warp speed mega maglev tunnel through the centre of the Earth's core to reduce travel times on the not very lucrative Hawaii to Botswana route to just 17 minutes. And also announced the launch of the domestic oil reveditive deviser that turns crude oil back into plant matter for you should smooth these salads and facial rubs and also make sure car both vegan and carbon positive if you do the math wrong. And since so we've had this coin, Snafu here in Britain,

we have for you a bugle coin fact box. The first coin was the same size and shape as a woolly mammoth. In fact, it was a woolly mammoth that was bartered in exchange for a job lot of 3D flint arrowheads, thus began international finance. The origin of heads or tails coin tossing dates back to Roman times, Roman coins until the year 236 AD, all feature the tail of the Emperor's favourite pet, at which point Emperor Maximineus Thrax ended the practice after being bitten by an escaped squirrel with a provocatively

bushy tail. In a post-coin world, the decision on who kicks off in football matches will be decided by a distant spitting competition, whilst the coin toss in cricket matches will be replaced with a competitive poetry recital between the two captains. If British foreign-sector Dominic Robb were to be commemorated in a coin, it would involve a picture of a floundering man struggling in choppy waters behind a weeping ferry. In a post-coin world, pub quiz machines will reward triumphant quisters with the shells of baby terrapins instead of coins. And the largest denomination banknote ever issued was the 100 quintillion pengo note.

Issued when Hungary went not crazy after World War II. Based on the difference in size between the £1 coin and the £2 coin, if a 100 quintillion pound coin was ever made, it would be 13 light years across. I did do the math, I might have done them wrong, but you know, it's the 2020s, that's how we roll. And at the current rate of progress, Jeff Bezos will have commissioned that coin by the year 2031. I want to see the cricket captains doing a poetry song. So we're here early this morning because of the poetry recital. Joe Ruth to start.

I wonder, glory is a cloud. As it is a cloud. Oh dear, that looks bad from Joe. I think England is going to be bowling this morning. So it's my favourite cricket poem. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Yes, you'll look a summer's Day love in that the crickets on and I can't so I can't spend any time with you. It's 142-3. Could you make me a cup of tea?

Danish penis news now and whilst the world battles in existential crises against the seemingly unstoppable enemies of the COVID virus, the mutant strain of democracy that's infected the world. And as the future shrinks and struggles before us, like a particularly reluctant slice of bacon shedding liquid leaving just a salty, shriveled mess at the bottom of the pan, Denmark has found itself a means of disputing something truly meaningful, the rights and wrongs of showing a children's TV cartoon about a man with a ridiculously long penis and his adventures, his penids, if you will, with that penis, including using his, well, I mean, it's what, about 10 foot long, the penis to protect local children against an attack of lions. Harry, you are our penises in culture, correspondent. Bring us up to date with this thrilling advance

in Danish art. Well, let me first say that my lawyers are suing the creators of this TV show for stealing my life story. Family show. The book had not been published yet somehow. It had leaked and all of it. You know, it's interesting because Denmark has a really weird history

with immigrants recently and there's been talk, I don't know if they're actually doing it, but making the children of immigrants take Danish courses to know how to be a proper dane, to know the culture, to assimilate properly. They have this high sense of self. And after hearing about this penis cartoon, I think to myself, a culture that could make this,

maybe not so great. Maybe could use other influencers outside of themselves. I like it. I like it. You like it? Yeah. I think it's a shaggle, wasn't a Mr. Man called Mr. Well-Hung. I mean, I guess that was Mr. Tickle.

It was very...Mr. Tickle was kind of very 1970s vibe really. Here to be carry on, wasn't he Mr. Tickle? Mr.... Mr. Massive Penis, lived in Massive Penis Cottage. Good morning, he said to the children. How are you today? Well, I'm not so good. I've got to spend five minutes clambering over your massive penis to get to school. Set the children. Well, I mean, the thing is, in this world where this man has this giant penis, you're telling me that kids don't accidentally bump into it or touch it and stuff, so this show is full of children touching a man's penis. Well, um, yeah, but it's it's Danish. So, uh, I mean, let's, let's try and keep it in,

you know, in, in perspective, you know, what the, you know, the daines still haven't apologized for what the Vikings did on these shores. So we can't judge them by our own attitudes towards the world. They're not ancient Greeks. they're not ancient Greeks, they're they're Danes. This is not acceptable. But what can he do though if he's got a penis that long? He can't ever. You've bought into the reality of it. No but I think we've got to be fit. He can't help, he can't apply the same rules of child abuse to someone who's got a penis that's 45 miles long. I mean, people are going to bump into it without you knowing, you know, they're just... That's only if he has an erection mark. Yeah, but when he has it and it's flaccid, it might be draped across the end 40.

Everyone is going the way to Milton Keynes or bump into it. This man, if he had any dignity, would wrap it around his thigh. It is absolutely absurd that this thing is coming out of his pants. Also, what kind of material stretches like that? Stretchers 10 feet. Right. What do you mean, this is? Especially modified.

He strangles himself like when a constrictor goes around here, he'd be... He uses it for social good, he uses it to etch murals, to hoist flags, and to perform rescue operations. I mean, is this not a role model, Harry, for how we men should be using our wings more productively for the good of all society to etch murals wherever we possibly can. It's an interesting philosophy, instead of maybe encouraging men to use their brains more. This is saying that we should use our penis more in a variety of different ways that often involve children. What the f***?

This is sick! What is this? No, this is not okay. This is f***ing... What? I mean, they got universal healthcare. They've got all these things right. I guess they're allowed to have one terrible idea involving a man with a 10 foot penis. I mean, if any country's allowed to, but like, get out of here. It's ridiculous. I'm gonna wash you up with mowing. Ha ha ha ha ha. I mean, if it's lockdown's gone on too long, Mark.

10 feet flustered means how much are you right? 20 feet? Ha ha ha ha. I mean, is he having sex with women and other like, in other channels? with women and other like in other cartoons, I think? I think it goes into just other shows on other channels at the same time. You turn on Bugs Bunny and then all of a sudden you realize, oh wait a second, Bugs, that's not a carrot.

It could be used as a zip wire. It could be used as a zip wire. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it could be used in these Brexit times. He could stretch his penis across the North Sea to provide a physical bridge between Britain and Continental Europe. Surely, that, I mean, that's... Oh, I've got that again, don't mean, or wouldn't it? What do you think we can come out?

What? And there he's got a f**king police penis to f**king connect us back out! That's all we thought we'd for! If he ejaculates on a Monday does that mean it comes out on Tuesday or Wednesday? That's an interesting point. Where would have to watch the program fight it out. It's not a, it's not a, it's not a, one of the makers of the program. So it's not, it's not, it's not sexual. It's just a, a very, very long, Wang.

You know, it's, that's, that's, that's different, isn't it? Is there will be a speed off about a man who, a man who does like 40 foot wide shits? And uses it to sort of attack demons that are coming to eat all the people in the village. I think that might be a waspish satire on the 21st century so far, to be honest. Anyway, more from Danish pianist cartoons over the next 10 to 20 years exclusively on the bugle. That brings us to the end of this week's show. It's been a pleasure talking to you. As always, we'll be back next week, just a chart.

The final full week of the Trump presidency. We will be recording the bugle on Mondays for the next few weeks, while I'm hosting the news quiz on Radio 4 that you can also download as a podcast. Harri, I know you're politically reactive. Is back currently? Yes. Politically reactive drops new episodes every Thursday. It's me and W. Kamau Bell, figuring out how we're spending our last days together on this planet. And also the podcast I do with my brother, the Kundebolo Brothers podcast, you know, we think

of ourselves as seasonal and a small batch and kind of a pop-up, meaning that we've released 31 episodes in a decade. So we don't know when they're going to come through, but you know, they've been popping up of late, so I check that out as well. Mark, any shows to tell all listens about? Yeah, I've got quite a lot of shows actually that have been cancelled and then re-insured and then cancelled again.

So if you sort of look around in general, at most theaters, I'm booked to do a show that will without any question be cancelled so you're very very welcome to buy a ticket for that and never ever get to see the show you bought a ticket for. The value of those has gone up 275% in recent years some of those are now trading at £8,000. So essentially tickets to your non-existent gigs are worth more than Bitcoin now. Yeah, yeah, much more, yeah, much more, we're going to buy Bitcoin now. Thank you for listening, Bueblers.

We will play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them and make a recurring or one-off contribution to keep your Buebl flourishing and independent. Go to theBueblepotcast.com and click the Donate button. Franz Janke is not convinced that Sphinx is the celebrity ancient Egyptian lion stroke human stroke other animal and occasionally bird hybrid, were all that. With all due respect to the ancient Egyptian says France, the Sphinx is an absolute mess of a mythical creature. Anything with the body of a lion, but without the head of a lion, is pretty goddamn pointless if you ask me. It will look weird and be much less good at biting, which to my mind is key.

Peter Coward agrees that a human with the head of a lion would be more worrisome than a lion with the head of a human. Opposable thumbs and a carnivorous slaughter-bounce, no thank you box, Peter, in justified concern at scientists' plans to create such a breed. Those jaws and the propensity to make operating trade high tech weaponry, that is a cocktail made in military industrial wildlife park complex heaven, and I am emphatically not in favour. Michael Kemp pipes up with confirmation that a feline with a non feline head is not something

science should be aspiring to. I've taken it upon myself to make my cat, which is like a micro-line in so many ways, where the head of a selection of muppets, Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog included. None of those heads provided an uptick in his overall cat performance, compared with his own cat head. I therefore rightly assume that Sphinx's would replicate that. And finally, Gillian Piper also points out that those varieties of Sphinx, with the wings of birds to add to their lion's body and miscellaneous heads are quotes pretty impractical and in terms of bald physics likely to struggle to get off the ground

They're not gonna trouble a basic domestic bird table let alone sort of the skies before swooping down like a vision of Unquenchable vengeance if that is indeed what motivates sphinx is to get out of bed in the mornings Here end if the lies. Goodbye.