The Bugle - Ferry bad start to the year – Bugle 4092

Episode Date: January 4, 2019

Britain plans to save itself post-Brexit with imaginary ferries. Plus it's been an exciting start to the year including North Korean defections and vegan sausage rolls breaking the internet.Plus, a new Bugle fitness regime, including the return of Swearobics!With@HelloBuglersAlice Fraser@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to an entirely new year of human existence to be chronicle exclusively for posterity by the bugle. Audio newspaper for a world entering at least its 39,000th consecutive year of being predominantly visual. Probably more. I am Andy Zoltzman and here I am in London 2019 a year which as we speak is already speeding towards its conclusion. What will this year bring? Brexit, Trump each month, the UN imposing a three-month sabbatical for all

humanity to just kickbacks, take stock, refresh and regroup, England, winning a cricket world cup. All things that just a few short years ago would have seemed absolutely f**king impossible. What the year will certainly bring, and I can say this with a high level of confidence, is an absolute minimum of one appearance on the bugle by Alice Fraser, because she is sitting opposite me right, and she is now laughing, so that counts as that one, her work is done for the year. She looks, I can not see the future. She looks on Canaliere, someone about to talk about some of the things that have already

happened this year on this world famous planet of ours. Happy new, bugle year to the flare of Flummingo to herself. Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, hello Vueglis. It has been already an event for a year which it shouldn't be because this is the doll drums of the year. Nothing should happen in the year before my birthday. Right, which is... ...Seventh of January. ...Excepting all gifts or Patreon subscriptions. Um... ...Hahaha.

These are the points, you know. I feel like nothing should happen. And so much has already happened. It's really depressing. What's the point of having an arbitrary break in the year? I quite like the idea, actually, particularly with Brexit coming up of... Well, I think what we're going to need for a start is a leap month. Hahahaha. The idea actually, particularly with Brexit coming up of, well I think what we're going to need for a start is a leap month. Just an extra month called Brexit-Henber or something. Between now and the 29th of March. Brinday.

Or yeah, maybe July should just be the entire world. Should do, just sit down and think about what it's done. Yeah, I mean all comedians do that after August. Yes. When Edinburgh's finished, then they realize that what they've done with their lives is as much a waste as it was before. Don't give away the sequence of the trinity.

So happy birthday for the seventh and coincidentally also your twin brothers birthday. Yes, although his comes about five minutes after mine, we're being technical about it, which I consistently am. I refuse to let him start celebrating until I've been going for about five minutes. I mean, obviously, traditionally, very, very impolite to ask a lady her age, but how old will your twin brother be? So we will start the bigle year with a quick look at what's happened so far. Alisson, I've been busy bagging and tagging 2018 in the certifiable history show at the Soho Theatre. Thanks to all of you who have come to see the show. I hope you've enjoyed

it. Later in the show we'll tell you about the forthcoming bugle tour of the USA in late February and early March and the one night Bugle tour of Glasgow Also in March, but first we are recording on the fourth of January, which is of course Is three days after the first of January or New Year's day as it is so often known these days But that wasn't always the case back in history that murderous murderous murky land of Pastness full of bastards death and general human shittery, New Year was thought to be on the 25th of March. This proved to be incorrect because obviously the year

begins on the 1st of January. But, but a Europe used to have New Year's Day on the 25th of March. Most of Europe picked up on this mistake round through the 16th century. England, however, held out until 1752. Yes, independent, spirited brisk. That's right, clearly, we've never been compatible.

You know, if we spent 150 years not agreeing when New Year was, how in the name of Mary f***, can we get an agreement of Brexit deal? January the 1st, also the day on which Jesus Christ, the original Christmas baby, himself, had penis reduction surgery or circumcision. And the force, againinned of the God-child ascended even under the heavens carried it off upon a sacred golden surgical tray by two archangels, forget which ones. I think it was Jeff and Kim. We just consult the Gospel according to Sun Alvin. Oh yes, here it is, chapter 1, verse 8. And as the infant tojlut miraculously healed

into the perfect unsalvable wangle of Christ, the four skinny of us of our Lord, besliced from his willyard by a single snip of the holy circumstances of Antioch, was heft away into the skies by the Archangel's Jeff and Terry. Sorry, it was not Kim, it was Terry. For Archangel Kim was still... Correcting your own bullshit is next, Lermwandy. For Archangel Kim was still off work with a nasty wing injury after clipping a tree while flying into fast to an effort to make it on time to the birth of the Holy Child just eight days before beforehand.

For Kim was running a little bit late, being as he was hung over like a Russian after the Archangel's Christmas party. And so Jeff Renteri did lift the Penilitude and a Severance aloft. And as they ascended heavenly woods for to show that godly, exissioned Helmwood wear unto the Lord himself, Terry did glance at the memorable relicuary, and Terry did veryly wince, and Terry did say, and Jeff did reproach Terry, saying, obviously, don't look at it. Just don't look at it. And Terry did humbly exceed to the advice of Jeff. And Terry did say, yeah, eyes off, it's just, you know, quite weird.

And Jeff did say, sure, but a job's a job. What the boss says goes, come on, flap your wings a bit harder and we'll get there quicker. Here and a the lesson. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Like an unwanted foreskin. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Like an unwanted foreskin. I'm still baffled as to why that was read in a Victorian British accent. Because that's the language the Bible's written in.

Since the James Bible, he wrote it in that accent. Everything in that accent. Yeah. Why would the angel, at least, was one of the angels, a Cockney? Don't want one, don't be so priceless was one of the angels a Cockney? Don't want one but don't be so just because you're a Cockney isn't really can't be an angel No, I know that I'm offended You're from Essex classes and angels Happy year

As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this year We have a range of new year supplements going in the bin including new New Year, New Year, a guy to rearing and shearing your unwanted Christmas sheep. New Year, New Hue, a guy to all the new paint colors with which to spruce up your house car or self, from spurious hedge to Vorderville nosebleeds to pigeon death to Bernard to solid belching to Uzbek deathbott. New Year, another one, New Year, New Year, New U, some fresh fonts for you to use when typing the 21st letter of the alphabet. And New Year, New Hue, a full fashion and makeup photo shoot special in which former Chinese president Huzion Tao is dressed, quaffed and cosmetic by celebrity makeoverists, dalliance,

kigge, and fence, harbinger,Nibb. But we're keeping New Year New Deal, which is just a full length mirror that you stare into yourself and regret the mistakes of the past. That's basically what Britain has been doing for the last two years. Top Story this week, 2019 so far. Well, as a year, Alice, 2019 has a lot to live up to or down to, following as it does years such as 2018, 2016, 2017, 13, 90, 73 BC, 1600, and so many others that have gone before it. And so far it is shaping up to be another memorable 12 months for this planet and its many fans. It's now as we record just 84 days until Brexit releases Britain from the suffocating yoke of peace, prosperity and progress with which the EU has shackled my people for too

long. The 2020 US unpresidential election campaign will crank up and I mean crank up whilst the 2024 and 2028 campaigns will also begin in earnest over the next 12 months. And we could hear some early pre-rumblings from the 2032 campaign, which on current predictions, will see Vladimir Putin running Miley Cyrus very close indeed. Now, I should point out at this point, previously on this show, we did make jokes about how funny it would be if Donald Trump ran for office. Apologies if the Putin Cyrus race does now happen, but we are still working on how to control the history-shaping power of this podcast. It's not easy. 2019 could also be the year

in which the environment finally comes to its senses and realises that it's constant threats that it makes about our future, are winning it, no friends whatsoever. But already, we have seen some spectacular action here in Britain, Alice, in the world of ferries. Yes, indeed. This has been a very exciting thing. The Department for Transport is getting sick, mainly online, for having hired a company to replace the current EU-based ferry services out of Dover when Brexit happens.

I mean, it sounds unfair to be mean to the government for hiring ferry service to provide ferries until you look at the fact that the ferry service they have hired to provide ferries has no ferries to provide. It has not previously run a ferry service and has no crossings in place. That is like saying, do you take this woman and you go, yes, and then the priest goes, psych, there is no woman, this isn't a church, I'm just a bus driver. And by bus driver, I mean, I've never driven a bus, but you've got to have dreams. I mean, it's understandable how it happened.

All the people involved in the deal know each other. Someone was like, oh, I need a ferry company. And their friend was like, yeah, I could run a ferry company. And they go, oh my god. And they're like, sure. Let me cobble together a website. That is literally what happened because the terms and conditions on the ferry company website are clearly the terms and conditions that have been cut and pasted from a takeaway food joint website. That is like showing up

at your wedding and being all like, thank God that bus driver has gone away and having the priest go, do you take your hands and put them on your head, you have the remote right to remain silent, anything you do or say is admissible and affordable. I want to guess you've got to give the government some credit in a way for appointing a ferry company with no ferries because what they've essentially done is appoint a metaphor for Brexit to deal with an aspect of Brexit. It's just, I mean, they do sound similar, actually, Andy, but it is fairies that come into being if you just believe and clap your hands. Fairies, you need to build. Really?

Yeah, little faith. The government is just... Alice, I'm going to pick you up on this because because I mean, it is all a matter of belief. Brexit, isn't it? You have to believe in Britain. You have to believe in Brexit, and if needs be, you have to believe that you're a ferry company, even if you patiently are not. Keep the faith.

It's like a film field of dreams. If you make them a ferry company, they will find some ferries rather back in the filing cabinet. Being a ferry company, they will find some ferries rather back in the filing cabinet. Being a ferry company, Alice, is 98% psychological. There are loads of organizations with ferries that are not ferry companies. So why can a ferry company not be a ferry company

even if it lacks ferries? Don't be so high down by tradition and dogma. A ferry company can be one of the things it is. Ferries us and we want warships, anyway, it's Britain, it's Brexit. Warships, not fairies, fairies of square. I mean, this is such a perfect story to begin 2019 because it's one of the many nuanced operational realities implicit in peeling the basically healed

on sticking plaster of Europe from what is increasingly obviously the extremely thin skin of Britain. And it's just, the government is like 120,000 steps out beyond the edge of uncharted cliffs, desperately trying to build a logistical bridge under their frantically peddling promise feet, like Wiley Coyote in the moments before he accepts gravity.

And he has just looked down and then straight to the counter. Ha ha ha ha ha. The Thompson conditions are quite spectacular. It included seaborn freight, bracket UK limited, saying that it is the responsibility of the customer to thoroughly check the supplied goods before agreeing to pay for any meal stroke order. And it is the responsibility of the customer to ensure delivery address details are correct and detailed enough for the delivery driver to locate the address in the adequate time. I mean, I guess if you're delivering a ferry,

you do have to know where it's going. I mean, does this mean you can insist that the ferry delivers you directly to your house? Well, I think that's Brexit, isn't it? It can be what we want it to be. And also, when you suddenly become a ferry company unexpectedly, you're going to be busy. And you don't have time for things like writing their own legal terms and conditions. So why not just borrow them off of someone else. And also many of the time when I've been halfway through a chicken burger for late night fast food and I've suddenly caught sight of the terms and conditions on their wall warning me that the bat my chicken burger is in should not be loaded with more than 120,000 tons of

freight. I mean the government asked Enor out but they did not ask if out how the fairies work because that's not how referendums work nor is it how referendums should work, and maybe that's why there should not be a referendum in first place. But there's no point in crying over spilled transport logistics. No, testifying. And also, Rant's in uselessness has become very much the hallmark of our preparations for Brexit. From the prancing prickishness of the parliamentary proceedings, to the nebulous and incomputery of the negotiations negotiations at this mille fits into that narrative rather snugly. Oh, did you stay up last night? The Labour MP, Tony, Mr. Tony Antonia Tsi, Mr. Labour MP, Tony

Antonia Antonia Tsi, Antonia Tsi. Antonia Tsi. I don't know, Antonia, there was a labour MP who said, we know our ports aren't ready for a no-deal disaster, but is hiring a firm that's never dealt with this kind of thing before really going to help? This idea should have been sunk before it saw the light of day, to which the ferry service said, funny you should say that. Well as Brexit rule, Brexit Britannia is becoming more and more imminent by the day, further portents have not been good. This was from just before Christmas. Gatwick Airport, the

renowned airport and transport hubble for hundreds of thousands of travellers every day, was brought to a flight free standstill by any guesses, was it a Soviet air blockade, was it a giant flock of teradactyls, was it a nearby volcano? No, it was a small drone, a small remote controlled identified flying object, and the combined mines might and majesty of the British security forces and military, and even monarch were unable to stop this thing from buzzing around and preventing airplanes from taking off or landing. So essentially a significant part of British infrastructure was brought to its knees by a dweeb with a remote control which does not bowed entirely well for our efforts to plow a glorious British

pharaoh through the choppy waters of the modern world. Reminiscent, of course, of when King Henry VI cavalry charge at the Battle of Le Horn d flier in France in 1445 was stopped by the presence of a single rat which made all the nights scared of getting plague and we refused to fight. My favorite part about the whole story was when they arrested a completely innocent middle-aged couple and held them for 36 hours under terrorist laws with no recourse to lawyers or family. Yeah, well that's on Christmas.. That's what Brexit's all about. I'm in America, they have presidential pardons here. Just let the Queen randomly arrest some people

for a legislative like a drone. I think they had once had a drone or something like that. No smoke without fire. So the combined forties of Britain could not find the people wielding the drone, they couldn't shoot the drone down, they couldn't even hack the drone, which given how easy, for example, Russia seems to have found it

to hack our entire democracy and national soul is also worrying, they couldn't work out a trap in a net despite the use of an ancient Roman gladiatorial retiarius flung out of a catapult, they couldn't hoodwink the drone down into mating it, mating with a roosting puff. They all magic it down using the royal magician loriate, the incredible alamazam, using the same spell with which his predecessor, the great Quazocchio, helped get rid of the Hindenburgs in World War I for George V. Nothing worked. Nothing worked.

One drone and the country just didn't, team GB, team GB. And I know you were using satire then, but in this instance, they actually did have a falcon on standby that they were apparently reluctant to use because they didn't want to kill the falcon. Well, maybe the falcon would have tried to escape on a drone, hide kind of, kind of fork and hijacker drone. These are the questions that the 21st century is throwing up, that humanity's never had to confront before. Who would have thought?

The reaction, of course, was an almost flamboyant level of administrative incompetence and obfuscation. As Gatwick Airport sunk into a rightly knocked morat of delayed passengers, seeing their Christmases dissolve before their eyes. It was not Britain at its br's a Brexit-terious finest. Well, 2019 is four days old and it has not taken Donald Trump long to get his rusty talents hacking away at a living flesh of this year, like the mechanical shitting, he clearly

thinks himself as the undisputed divinci of delusion, the agro-fobript tarantula scrambling around in the underpants of global politics, has been sticking his aura into his own face and everyone else's face, as always. Not only has the US apparently, that they stopped cooperating with UN investigators looking into potential human rights violations in America, and delightful late Christmas present for the despobs of the world, not only has Trump already struck truth several firmly impolite blows in the face with his petulant penis of provocation, but he also bizarrely took a pop at the controversial opinion

shouting Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi for having the generosity, stroke, to merit to fund, build and open a library in Afghanistan. Yeah, he had a, he took a swing at Modi saying that the US spends heaps more money in five hours and also what's a library and reading his for nerds and then he gave the Indian Prime Minister a wedgie and then it told him how attractive his wife was. I mean, it's sort of an astonishing thing. He couldn't be reached for comment later because he was already off somewhere else saying something insensitive to somebody else. But it just seems like a really

weird way to go about politics. Well yes, I'm probably a bit late to start pointing that out to him, I imagine. But very much the words of a man who, you know, just raised skepticism about the Ebb and it's quite a nice, I didn't build a new library for a war-torn nation, so it was very much the reaction of a man who, shall we say, has not wasted an excessive proportion of his life perusing the wisdoms to be found on the shelves of a library. Other Indian projects in Afghanistan have included reconstructing a school in Kabul, Donald Trump's reaction to that was, what's the point of educating people in Afghanistan?

I never went to school in Afghanistan and look at me on Emperor of all the Americas. Indoor is funded. Scholarships for a thousand Afghan students a year to study in India. Trump's reaction to that is those places should have rightly gone to Rust Belt workers from Michigan. India is built a 218 kilometer road in Afghanistan. Trump's reaction to that, well there's no casino or golf course at either and so what's the f***ing point?

A dam to provide irrigation to farmers. That's another Indian project in Afghanistan. Transrations that is terrorists eat food, you're just feeding the flames. And most significantly of course, India provided the opposition for the first test match played by the Afghanistan National Cricket Team to its Trans-Reaction is, what is cricket, is it a disease? It also said some bizarre things, he said about Afghanistan, why are we there 6,000 miles away?

Which in some ways is a good question. That's hopeful. It means he knows some geography. Yeah, I mean, it's near a 7,000, but I mean, the answer is complicated. A lot of history in Afghanistan piled on history, piled on history. Now, so I'll tell you what, Mr. President, with all due respect, which as in all cases when anyone says with all due respect means with absolutely no respect whatsoever, why don't you read up on the history of Afghanistan? And if you don't own any of your own books on the subject, why not pop down to this very smart new library? I heard recently opened there.

He also dismissed Syria as being of little importance, saying we're talking about sand and death. We're not talking about vast wealth. I think he might be mixing Syria up with a TV series Spartacus Blood and Sand. We don't know. We have, he has addressed troops in Afghanistan saying, we are no longer the suckers and we're no longer going to be doing the fighting for every nation on earth, explaining his recent decision to withdraw US troops from Syria. And it is fair enough that America shouldn't be doing the fighting for every nation on earth, explaining his recent decision to withdraw US troops from Syria. And it is fair enough that America shouldn't be doing the fighting for every nation on Earth.

But if they don't want to be doing the fighting for every nation on Earth, they should maybe also not be doing the real, politic, oil, money, driven, deliberately stabilisation of the Middle East for every nation on Earth. You know, you can't have one without you. Going into the new year, the US government's shutdown is nearly two weeks old, which is good because as it's been Christmas in New Year, no one's really noticed. But just under 400,000 government employees are taking a nice unpaid holiday, sorry, terrifying holiday full of uncertainty about the future, and just over 400,000 are working without

pay, which is the American dream. Sorry, the American history. They will apparently be paid back for their work later, but I wouldn't take an IOU from Trump. If he wrote it on the money, he owed me. On the right side, male is still being delivered the military law enforcement and entitlement programs are still mostly functioning as usual,

but Homeland Security, Justice, State and Treasury, as well as federal agencies have been affected. I'm sure they're not important. I mean either all the libertarians are right and we'll all find out that they don't need the government in which case maybe stock up on barbed wire and man traps because it's about to get Netflix up in here, or you find out that you really do need the government and in fact the modern world is a complex web of inter-connected organisations, so maybe someone should stop throwing big balls of toilet paper into the complex where thank you Trump. Justice News Now and here in Britain a judge has said that the grammar and punctuation in text messages sent by two convicted drug dealers was of a much higher standard

than was normally seen from those in there, a lot of them were. And spared them a prison sentence. It's not clear whether this was, he's been a prison sentence because he liked their grammar and punctuation, but that's two things. That's two things to do.

It was certainly associated. It's very mixed messages for the youth. He said that this very good grammar and punctuation indicated a higher level of education of these people, which in my day used to translate as they should have known better, but here is apparently being used as a reason not to punish them. On one hand, yeah, sure, it's fine. Marijuana is one of those illegal drugs that's only illegal if the cops are trying to ruin your day for other reasons. And it's sure, it can destroy your life, but usually by unspectaculately sapping your ambition

and drive over years until you're a perfectly pleasant waste of potential. Or serious psychosis if you start new teens. But my point is, you can achieve most of the same life-rooting effects with too much pizza. It's just the optics of only punishing people who've made bad choices, because they have limited education.

So, see, I can only make hardship and no other options, become more stark when they're put right next to smirking dick pags who've made those bad choices for fun. Well, so it's quite interesting, isn't it, the grammar and punctuation is of a higher standard than normally seen from drug dealers and who just indicate the higher level of education, is nothing in this country not being gentrified.

I mean, it's all about, you know these days, isn't it? Bloody ox, bridged elite Bank of mum and dad setting up your first cartel for you makes me sick The judge told them I hope a court never sees either of you again I don't know if it means that he wants them to you know put their lies back on track or if he just hopes that just the justice system will Will end the lost Glenn point of austerity Britain. And it will be done on the internet soon anyway. You won't need courts, the whole legal process,

each side will simply tweet its evidence in. A Ministry of Justice bot will process the tweets, past sentence, and the guilty party will be then able to download a prison cell to print out on a 3D printer to serve his or her sentence at home with their mobile phone playing hourly video threats from a virtual reality inmate serving a 30 stretch for GPH. That's the future.

It'll save the economy five trillion pounds an hour. I mean, that's very good, but you forget that they didn't publish the second half of that sentence, is I don't want to see you in here again, but I'll see you and your dad down at the golf course on Sunday. Defection news now and it's just been revealed that the North Korean ambassador to Italy has disappeared. He's gone AWOL in Rome. He apparently escaped the diplomatic compound back in November and has not been seen since. I mean on one hand that's news and on the other hand, they did send him from North Korea to Italy. Well exactly, this is Rome, of course he's gone A while.

He's probably just stuck in a really nice wine bar at the Campo Tefuri or something. Three quarters of a way through the bottle of Barolo, if my personal experience is anything to go about. Maybe he's engrossed in a museum that can teach you everything you need to know about the human condition, based purely on some 2,000 year old bits of jug and a mosaic of a penis. Or he's sitting quietly on the steps of a 16th century palatso thinking, how the f**k did that Italian man drive that car so fast down that street that is apparently less wide than his actual car?

It's Rome, it's a city of endless fascinations. I've gone AWOL in Rome with Mrs. Alt I've gone AWOL in Rome with Miss Insultman a few times. Well, maybe not the O of A1. I've gone O in Rome. It is awesome, particularly as you say. If you've come to Rome from an arid communist backwater where the most exciting thing that ever happens to you is not being personally slain by a despot with a rocket launcher. And I mean, of course, this is not the first North Korean diplomat who has gone missing, and it's the problem with their North Korean diplomats is they keep letting them lean.

Yeah, that's a bit of a flaw in diplomacy if you're a country like North Korea, isn't it? In sausage roll news now. Oh, I'm listening. Is it the kosher one? And they finally discovered the kosher one? Well, almost they have got to the point where Gregg's the popular pie shop and sausage roll shop has published an advertisement saying that they are about to start selling vegan sausage rolls and Piers Morgan, as is his want, has said that he has been betrayed by Greggs,

that this is not what he expected for Greggs and nobody wanted a vegan sausage roll sort of entirely ignoring the realities of capitalism. What's next? Petrol station selling anything other than petrol? Chocolate's at the pharmacy? Look, I can get on a bandwagon with the best of them, but more than anything, is this just a story because it's fun to make fun of? Is this the tulip frenzy? Is this oppositional inflation?

Do we need a nationwide referendum on Greg's product offerings? No company offers a product that they think they can't sell. If they provide a product that there's not going to sell, no one's going to buy it. The government isn't offering a rebate on vegan sausage rolls. Yeah, I mean, you say that, but then, you know, we did not fight world wars to be forced to know that other people are eating vegan sausage rolls. But I mean, I'm starting to think with this kind of pattern of Pears Morgan saying something awful and then everyone lashing back that he is actually got heavy shares in Greg's.

Right, it's not a heavy shares in himself. I mean, I guess the thing is, it's, you know, as a meat eater, other people eating vegan sausage rolls undermines the sanctity of why meaty sausage rolls. It's like gay marriage all over again, isn't it? Well, apparently it appears Morgan is. I just want to carry a vegan sausage roll in a baby purpose. Watch is masculinity is disintegrated completely? That's the ultimate image of modern life. In future soldiers news now, soldiers have reacted angrily to a new recruitment campaign that is targeting the phone obsessed. The posters call for snowflakes, phones, zombies and selfie addicts to sign up, failing to realize that nobody identifies as a phone zombie and if people were to acknowledge

their problems honestly enough to identify as any of those categories, they'd go see a counsellor and the counsellor would tell them about the statistically poor mental health outcomes for people who join the army. In a debate? That was bleak. It's nearly here. It's nearly here. It's nearly my birthday, Andy.

I'm glad to be bleak. In a debate discussing the merits of the recruitment drive, Colonel Bob Stewart defended the campaign as an attempt to recruit young gamers, suggesting that digital abilities could be transferrable. He says, we want people who can game and can help protect the country from cyber warfare. Some of these people can play PS4 really well, like my 15-year-old. I just have to say Andy, the idea that gaming makes you good at warfare is pretty amazing in that it is depressing if it's true and also depressing if it's a lie. Bugle Feature section now and New Year Fitness regimes. Well, the bugle is always looking to help its listeners shape up and get healthy, particularly after the chrysmacico-nover annual festival festivities of Christmas and New Year. So, this week the bugle offers

you more ways to get fit without the efforts, inconvenience or embarrassment of having to go to the gym with simple modifications to your everyday life and specifically your meal times. Beginning with breakfast. Breakfast has proved itself to be one of the must have meals of the third millennium and nowhere more so than here on earth. But why not get some quality exercise along with your morning numb-nums by hanging a giant cauldron over a large fire, filling the cauldron with porridge oats, water and or milk, plus a scratch of salt, and then jumping in. You are now the human spur-tle, stirring the porridge with your arms and legs as it gradually comes to the boil.

A perfect workout begins nice and easily, then gets gradually tougher as the mixture thickens and the temperature rises. You already work up a sweat as you struggle through the potentially lethal vat of tasty OT goodness as it congeals around your slowly flailing limbs and you desperately call for help to be extricated from the glutinous mega glob of pure breakfast. Once the emergency services haul you out not only have you burned the equivalent calories to fighting a bear in an elevator for 38 minutes but you've also got enough breakfast to keep you in the rest of your neighborhood going until lunch time. Lunch? Well, we all like a sausage sandwich to fill the lunch time

break, but maybe not all. But let's say we either like or would like a sausage sandwich for lunch, either ways of fact. So why not boost your upper body muscles and cardiovascular by slaying your own sausage? Hunt down and kill a pig, bore cow, or baffaloid, or a copy, or vegetarian, ethically of course, we're not animals. Do it in the open air, not in an abattoir, please. Depending on the size and wilderness of your sausage filling, tracking, hunting, grappling

with, and strangling your lunch, is equivalent to three, 14 hour sessions on a very tready treadmill. And dinner, ghost. But sad, you've got to hunt down all the buttholes. LAUGHTER It's a high quality sausage. It's not a bargain-based one. It can be high quality buttholes.

There's a whole segment on rent here for this. Why aren't you in a barren call that one? Ha ha ha. Sometimes the old ones are the best. Ha ha ha. Um. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Uh, dinner. Go for the dogs dinner! What animals are traditionally fitted in their owners? Correct! Dogs! And what is the secret of their canine athleticism? They bury their bones and then have to dig them up again. So learn from the masters and bury your dinner somewhere in the local woods early in the morning before sunrise. Then evening, after sundown, dig it up with your bare hands. In the darkness you'll probably have to dig several holes before refunding the location

and then go chicken chasera, roadkill, stroganoff, SNM Salon, Salon alla Gimp, or spaghetti, Milton, Kenzie. But the more the better for your dorsal sculptorings and abselams, you'll become fitters fiddles with the bugle new year meal fitness regime. Can't we just stick to swear robics? Always good to hear swear robics. So while 2019 Alice still 361 days to go. So I think it's time to look into our crystal balls for... I beg your pardon, I beg your pardon. What do we... We cannot say that off just going on about buttholes.

This is a wonderful new future we live in. There are things that I can say that you could not. Oh, is this progress? Yes. Oh, yes. Is this what feminism was supposed to be about? Yes. Well, I've looked into my crystal ball. Well, I'll get less to it. Let's have a crystal ball. Can you do a sound effect of... What does a crystal ball sound like? What, what, what, what? That was that... No, youop, whop, whop. That was that.

You know what you sound like right now. Blu, lululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululul Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo country. joint prime ministers Corbyn and Boris Johnson, new heads of a special government of national disunity. issue a statement saying, whilst it has long been disproven that natural disasters were God's punishment for the toleration of homosexuality, it has now transpired that he can dish out some divine venuance for the toleration of deep political incompetence. icon of the year, I can see 16 year old Grandel Sclabbit from America, a tragic teenager who becomes a global sensation after getting stuck, saying the word like. As long feared by professional languishings, overuse of the word like eventually leads to this social-meter obsessed teen, being unable to complete a single similarly, despite saying

like 18 times in a single sentence, and then within days, becoming trapped in an eternal cycle of saying like, like, like like like like and becoming regarded as a living repetitious metaphor for our times. Sclab it will end the year on display at the tape museum's new living art wing alongside a newspaper columnist who is now able to write only the words why don't they just get on with it. Meanwhile in the crystal ball in Australia the Australian prime ministerial rollolexa started moving so quickly it's begun to generate clean energy while nothing in the country changes, which it turns out is what everyone wanted in the first place.

Donald Trump tricked into hibernation, hence the year of sleep, covered in twigs, mud leaves and ironically newspapers in the White House gardens after being convinced that he's a bear. The president's lightliest challenger for the 2020 Republican nomination has emerged late in the year after the ghost of Dwight D. Eisenhower throws his hat into the ring from beyond the grave during a Ouija board session on the new hit BBC TV current affairs

show David Dimbleby talks to the other side. Meanwhile, in Britain, I see attempts to boost British patriotism by promoting the nuptials of the 364th in line to the throne Duchess of Lennutton to the little-known Bolivio South African actor, Scalchiano Lopez, Gazzaid and Chaston Heisman who once appeared as a stunt double for Harold Bissipin and low-risk bicycle-ing-scene enabors to promote that as a royal wedding and inspire national unity, it proves largely unsuccessful when only 900,000 well wishes lie in the streets of Windsor and the Happy Day on's less than 26 hours coverage on the BBC News Channel.

Meanwhile, workness, online and the right wing backlash have become so polarized that both sides finally agree to soar the world in half and shoot off in opposite directions. Oh, that's the perfect compromise. Do everything, isn't it? And film of the year is going to be Black Panther, the big budget remake of the 2018 mega hit. It will smash all box office records and be praised by movie industry bigwigs and remake aficionados alike as quotes entirely pointless

and simultaneously almost indistinguishable from and considerably inferior to last year's Superbow regional. Black Panther will outgrow Galaxor II, Sledgehammer of Destiny, the preemptive sequel to the asiate unmade superhero blockbuster Galaxor Space Figilante, which will earn celebrity producer 8th. Hey, to Drillard Buttgluck, two Oscar nominations for most commercially cynical film and least ambitious production. Woah, woah, woah. So I was in exciting year ahead, Alice. Oh, I can't wait. two Oscar nominations for most commercially cynical film and least ambitious production. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So it's an exciting year ahead, Alice. Oh, I can't wait. It's all gonna happen. And we will, of course, we will, of course, chronicle everything from this year here on the Bugle. Also in 2019, here's a prediction, the Bugle will do a live tour of North America.

What? The dates currently confirmed are as follows, 26th February in Brooklyn, 27th in Washington, DC, 28th in Boston. 1st of March in Providence, Rhode Island, 2nd of March in Northampton, Massachusetts, 3rd of March in Philadelphia, 4th in Chicago. It's going to be busy. 5th in Minneapolis, 6th in Denver, 7th in Chicago, it's going to be busy. Fifth in Minneapolis, the sixth in Denver and the seventh in Portland, then a few days off before San Francisco on the 11th and Los Angeles on the 12th.

Those dates are all confirmed, not all of them are on sale yet on the internet, but those are all confirmed and we will put ticket links up on the Bugle podcast website. I mean, it's quite a tight tour. You better hope that no American infrastructure proves substandard. Yes. That could be true. The distances aren't that big in America. No, you can just hitch.

So do come along to all of those shows, all of them, please. The Bugle will also be doing a one night only tour of Glasgow on Tuesday, the 19th of March, doing a show at the Stand Comedy Club. I'm then doing a one night only tour of Glasgow on Tuesday the 19th of March, doing a show at the stand comedy club. I'm then doing a stand-up show in Edinburgh on the 20th of March. Further dates to be announced in due course. Alex, anything to plug? Other than your birthday, of course. Yes, I would like to plug my birthday on the 7th of January. I'm doing sort of all sorts of things, new show, Mythos this year, it'll be in Sydney and Melbourne and Perth and London and various places in the UK. Most of my dates are up on my website, alastrazor.com or that's about it.

Right, consider that plugged. Well, there we go. That's what this shows all about. Well, that brings us to the end of this first bugle of 2019, at least many more to come, possibly even more than that. And we'll be back. We'll be back. Potentially, we can hope for too many. So likely too many shows to come in the fourth-cubbing year.

Thank you for listening. Do send your emails in to hellobugleasatthebugelpodcast.com book your tickets for the US tour and the Glasgow live bugle. And we'll be back next week until then happy new year and happy birthday to Alice Fraser and her twin brother. Bye! Aged, redacted. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha you