The Bugle - Food! Nonexistent Food!

Episode Date: April 27, 2008

The 26th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Budelas and welcome to issue 26 of The Bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 28th of April, 2008. That means there are 247 days left in the year and 247 is just how we work at the bugle always on call. Also today would have been Saddam Hussein's birthday. So I would ask this might seem a bit insensitive, publishing a comedy show on this day of all days, but on the flip side, John is now a year older than he was in issue 25. Yes, through the retrospective,

happy birthday, John. Thanks very much, Adi. There's no better, happy birthday than the retrospective happy birthday, John. Thanks very much, Andy. There's no better happy birthday than the retrospective happy birthday. I understand that you sang karaoke. Yeah, that's true. We went out and I got to hear the spectacular sights and sound of Rob Riggle who combined Elvis' court in a track with a full karate demonstration. That is what would have happened to the king had he been good at karate. As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin. This week, a special furniture

section, including how to get the best out of your sideboard, how long should you give it to use a sofa that a family member has died on, and also in the sage of instant gratification wear now for the shades long. Also in the bin to mark the beginning of the second quarter century of issues of the bugle, we're going to take you right back in time and give you as a free giveaway a recycled compressed version of the first ever issue of the bugle. Here it is. And there is two, a point, actually, though. Give, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, point, actually, though. Give me a touch of the individual habits. The utility. I'll tell you.

I'll tell you. Top story this week and peckish, while statistically you probably are. The head of the UN World Food Program this week described the current global food shortages as a silent tsunami, which knows no borders sweeping the world. That is a beautifully articulated and deeply depressing point. I'm afraid it's not true for this soon army is a clear respecter of borders.

Prove it by the fact that whilst countries around the developing world are rioting in the streets and the face of malnutrition and hunger, we've only recently started to pay attention because peaches just got a bit more expensive. Food could actually soon be a thing of the past. In Britain, the family food shop has gone up 15 pounds a week on average. And let's not forget, John, here in Britain, we don't get tasty tidbits, air drops on us like the starving Africans do. That's true. And yet you don't see journalists reporting about that, though. You know, you don't. Cost has gone up 40% worldwide since mid- since mid 2007 and there have been these rights and protests in Cameroon,

Bikina Faso, Haiti, Egypt, many other countries that the West would love to care about, but just can't. And we've got a lot on our mind at the moment. We'll get around to it. The neediness is a real turn off though. Yeah. Avo Morales, the president of Bolivia, also issued warnings about the current expansion of biofuels which converts cereals into fuel. And could this be the biggest f*** you yet for the developing world? Not only have we gourged ourselves to morbidly obese levels, now we are burning food as well. Ethnal production is on course to account for some 30% of the US maize crop by 2010, dramatically curtailing the amount of land available for food crops. We would rather have fuel than food. People

will go to restaurants in the future to have their meals set on fire in front of them. Then they'll just sit back with a napkin in their lap, watch it burn, pronounce it delicious, tip the waiter and leave. I mean, I don't understand why this is a problem. John, you would have thought thought that in an era where the world population is soaring upwards and you know the pressure on global food production is increasing that's using a large chunk of the world's agricultural lands to make stuff for our cars you'd thought that would be fine but you know the the bottom line is someone has got the math wrong my theory is is though, that's the world's poor, as always, are copying it right in the natures.

But they must have developed an immunity to it by now. Surely, I mean, we spent the last two and a half thousand years lining them up against the wall, running straight at them and f***ing them in the plums with a cricket mat. Surely, they can barely even feel anything now. These people don't need food. They don't need food. They don't need food.

And if we can just starve off the excess 30% who use a disproportionate 1% of the food and energy of the world, then no one would have a problem. Is that wrong? We might need a running translation for any American listens there as to what nudges and problems refer to. But to be honest, I think you can probably guess. The truth is, Andy, is what the old saying goes,

you reap what you sow. And when you sow the seeds of global inequality, don't act surprised with what sprouts up come half this time. Also, John, I don't see why it should always be us in the West that has to change our behaviour. Why should it be us that has to use these renewable energies instead of food-based car fuel? Why can't the poor people of the world learn to eat the wind and the sun?

That's not unreasonable. There have been rice riots around the world. Who would have thought John that rice would be so popular? I've always found it a bit dull as a staple. I mean, I could live without rice but it turns out the people of Haiti and the Philippines are fussy at eaters than me. If there are people now illegally hoarding rice in the Philippines to force the price up, so rice really has become the new gold. Rappers are going to start waving packets of rice around in their videos. Stripcubs are going to be full of businessmen, emptying rice into the de-strings of lap dancers.

Mo rice, mo problems Andy, it's like the Wutanklan nearly said, rice rules everything around me. And at the Olympics, at the Olympics and Beijing, this year, all winning investors will merely have a risotto poured over their heads. Investors are even buying up food stocks as hedge funds start investing heavily in commodities. Is there nothing that the financial markets will not profit deal with? Oxfam has said that the financial markets will not profit you with?

Oxfam has said that the problem is that agriculture as an issue stopped being sexy. What Oxfam suggesting that farmers wear lower cut overalls? Come on! That's going to set farming back hundreds of years. They're trying to get away from that image. Well John, I did hear and you can probably confirm or deny this. That as part of a concerted bugle effort to make developing World Agriculture sex again, you're actually doing a swim where shoots on a Cambodian Brussels Sprout form. Is that so? No smoke without fire. What I'm going to say about that is it's not untrue.

You did pose for a photo with a tattoo, John. I'm not putting anything past you anymore. Oh, God. I'd actually forgotten about that. There was a time when you saying that would have been a joke and then something didn't see right about it and that's going to realise, oh yeah I did do that. Walmart's the world's largest retailer is even restricting sales of rice at one of its chains. Sam's Club, which is Walmart's cash and carriage of it, in which sells food at suspiciously low prices, has limited customers to buying a maximum of

four bags per visit. This has led to an increase in purchases of fake moustaches and wigs. Walmart has said that it's not restricted amounts of flour or oil that customers can buy at this time. Everything that company says sounds sinister. All press releases from Walmart should be delivered by dimly lit men in swivel chairs stroking cats, muttering to themselves, shittles, for one day we shall own everything. Then they'll see what are all are. In terms of British Supermarkets, the British government has criticized the Buy One Get One Free offers at Supermarkets for increasing increasingly amount of food thrown away by British shoppers.

A third of food bought in the UK is thrown away, and that does not look good. If we're not setting fire to it for fuel so that we can drive our cars to the shops to buy more food we don't need, we're just chucking it away for the hell of it. Six million tons a year of wasted food, and that's just Britain, we're tiny.

Imagine the wasted food here, although, by the look of the Midwest, lots going to waste. They finished their dinners. I'm not going to say anything more than that, they finished their dinners in the Midwest. They're heroes. For every over-white American we like to take the piss out of here in Britain, they have single-handedly probably saved three African children by not wasting food. Think of it that way. Hold up the mirror, Britain. Hold up the mirror. We're expected to hit nine billion by mid-century. Does the world not, not Britain? Also, the emerging economies of India and China

are resulting in more middle class people there at whom a recent report discovered eat more food. Now, I don't know how we didn't make the connection between rich people eating more food than poor people before, but we've done it now. And what needs to happen, Anneys, we need to drive China and India back down into poverty. Everything worked fine then, it was the perfect balance. Yeah, they've got to take one for the team, frankly. There are a couple of solutions, though, one so up the stomachs of the world's poor in the manner of a Hollywood celebrity to make

them less hungry. Yes, it's expensive in the short term, but there will be long-term benefits. And also, we need to make trade more fair, not just for the farmers, but also for us, the consumers. It's got to be fair on my wallet, John. Fair trade products often a bit more expensive, and let's not forget fairness is a duet, and at the moment it's all linda ronstats and not enough air and level Other news and the US election is hotting back up again after cooling down a bit and being slightly forgotten about by the world it's looking increasingly John Larkett might come down to the super delegates is America excited that this prospect?

I think everyone hit a wall here this weekend, and there is a genuine consensus around the country that this has now gone on for how to put it. Far too fucking wrong. They're now pretending they're more different than they are. Obama and Hillary basically agree on everything. I think what we really learn from this is that democracy is like spaghetti bolognese.

It's good for you in moderation, but if you have too much of it, it'll make you feel nauseous and you will get sick of it. Now there is this rumor around John that you are actually a super delegate now. Is that so? Have you checked lately?

What, do you know what I haven't checked? And I think how they issue super delegate status is that they put something under your chair. And I haven't checked under my chairs recently. And if you check under there and there's a little golden ticket, it's not Willie Wonka. Right. The old man says you're a super delegate. Please proceed to Minneapolis or Denver. I think you probably best put yourself down to the doctor just to make sure. Have you had any feelings of disproportionate influence? Always.

Yeah. Well, you could be a super delegate. I'm sure a simple blood test will ever die. But the complex picture has been slightly simplified last month. Bugle endorsed candidate Mike Gravel, the potential kingmaker in the two and a tiny bit pronged race for the democratic nomination, has removed his minuscule potential spanner in the two and a tiny bit pronged race for the Democratic nomination has removed his minuscule potential spanner from the works by defecting from the Democrats and running as a libertarian party candidate. This John must have rocked American politics

to its very core. It has to the extent that I hadn't actually heard about that, Andy. Really, that's how you know something has shocked people when they just don't talk about it or cover it. It has shocked it to its core. Only that core is an apple core that has been thrown out the window on a long car journey. Gravel, apparently, says, my libertarian views, as well as my strong stance against war, the military industrial complex and American imperialism, seem not to be tolerated by Democratic party elites, who are out of touch with the average American. But he went so far as to claim that he would have run as a third party candidate all along,

but needed the exposure of running in the Democratic race to get himself noticed. I mean, he's right as well. It was nice to have him at the end of the line during the early Democratic debate just shouting at them. There's some breaking medical news coming in, Andy. They've just found out that super delegacy is in fact sexually transmitted. So get yourself tested. That's certainly true. And you may need to make some awful conversations to past partners. Hello, Debbie.

I know. Long time no speak. Exactly. Listen, I'm a super delegate. I'm really sorry. I remember that night. You may need to go to Denver. On Thursday, we in Britain off the gelosly watching such countries as in Borbay, Pakistan Remember that night, you may need to go to Denver. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa even less than big government, at least until we trip over a paving stone and want to sue the council for hurting on kneecaps.

Now the best thing local elections are good for is practicing your ballot box technique. So when it comes to the big general election, you don't bulls it up like I usually do. Last time in 2005 I got so excited about the chance to express my democratic opinion in the most adult way imaginable by scribbling a mark next to the name of someone I've never heard of or met and wondering what they stood for. That I just lost it completely in the ballot box. I was overwhelmed, John, swept away by a swirling maelstrom of Sephological ecstasy culminating in me shouting, Yeah! This is what I'm talking about! And writing an ex in every box on the ballot paper, then drawing some more boxes on the back,

writing the names of the 1981 England cricket team and voting for them as well. I've just saying that local elections are a good way to wean yourself onto vote. You're right. You've got to get used to it. You can't just turn up on the big day unrehearsed. But here in London, the capital is going mere crazy as we gear up to decide which candidate should be giving the keys to the Tower of London and the power of life and death over all Londoners or whatever it is that are out to do these days. The two leading candidates, Ken Livingston and Boris Johnson are the big news in America John. The great thing is...

Not the biggest, not the biggest, to be honest. No, I think they once they realise that basically they are the closest we've got to British Hugo Chavezes. Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. America might start to notice Ken Livingston, the reigning mayor, is looking to win London for the third time in which case he will get to keep it. And a replica London will be built for the next election in four years time. And there is something about Livingston, John, that just makes you think if he'd been born in a

different country there would be some massive portraits of him. Now Livingston gave birth to the congestion charge in London and this almost brought Britain and America to the very brink of war because the US Embassy refused to pay claiming it was exempt under the terms of the 1961 Vienna Convention on Diplomatic Relations. So the US Embassy refused to pay and it's good to see America economizing it last on because this is a country with a 9.3 trillion dollar national debt. So technically it is the world's poorest country. And we in Britain, we're around eight trillion dollars richer than you yanks with a very frugal 500 billion pound debt. So we should be a little charitable and let you off. But living

shouldn't accuse the US ambassador of trying quotes to skype out of paying like some chiseling little crook. Which, winning him the Nobel Prize for Diplomacy and it brought transatlantic war just that extra step closer. Friend of the US Embassy, Oath Transport for London around a million pounds in unpaid congestion charges. Livingston also had a pop at the Japanese Embassy for not paying with these words. I think there are several problems with Japan that we could go on about here. Admitting their guilt for all the war crimes would be one thing, said Livingston. Oh dear. So if they've not got around to doing that, I doubt they're too worried about

the congestion charge. Everyone loves it to do this, and I'm sure most of us would have apologising for war crimes above paying the congestion charge. It does seem incredible that people might vote for the conservative candidate Boris Johnson, just because he might be funny. He might do some funny, stupid things. And so, I guess people just want to be entertained by their leaders. And whilst he would be bad on almost every level, he'd be funny doing it. He'd be like a slapstick mayor. And I suppose that's what we want. That's the problem with democracy. Well, that's how how Neville Chamberling got in of course. He was an entertainer. I haven't decided who I'm going to vote for yet. I might actually spoil my ballot paper

jump and I mean really spoil it. Take a little hydrotherapy bar, then onto a swanky restaurant and then to round the evening off I'm going to fold it into an origami flamingo. I just want to make it feel special. Special bugle feature section now, the Royal family, everyone in the world stand up and salute. And top royal news is an end to the male succession law. The law that states that a female heir is to the throne of this kingdom is automatically superseded by a younger brother is to be jettisoned. Now I know people in America John can get a bit touch about updating old laws that are clearly centuries out of date and often when pressed on the matter will start singing songs about founding fathers and trying to guess anyone that looks a bit like George Washington.

But we in Britain have shown with this brave groundbreaking piece of equality legislation that women have just as much right to be king as men do to be queen. Mrs. Pankhurst must be high-fiving herself in her grave. I think that will be a lovely compromise to hit. Yes, there will be no sexist-based succession, but you must be called king and you'll have to dress like a king and lower your voice a bit as well. Other developments that they're hoping to modify are to repeal the law banning the heir to the throne from marrying a Catholic. Wow, that's still there, is it? We really do have some arcane laws around. I think some of our laws still use the word peasants. Ironically though, John, if this new law about male succession was applied retrospectively, the queen, despite being a woman as she clearly is, was,

and ever shall be, would actually lose out and be revealed as the opportunistic pretender to the throne that feminists, such as myself, have always believed her to be. I've done some research on this, John, and it turns out that Queen Victoria's eldest child was not the Queen's great granddaddy-ed with a seventh-thief-homers lady enthusiast, but actually Princess Victoria, who married a German emperor, big Freddie III, thus becoming Mrs. Kaiser and mother of the naughty Kaiser who kept in Germany in World War I. So if this law is backdated as it should be, I'm not saying we would have lost that war, I'm saying we would still

have won it, only we would have been playing for the other side. Although we can then assume that World War II probably wouldn't have happened, so indirectly this change in law could save millions of lies retrospectively and Spank America right back down the global superpower charts Now the current number two in line to the throne came in for criticism this week when it emerged that he landed his 10 million pounds R.A. Of helicopter in girlfriend Kate Middleton's back garden during an official military exercise Here's the thing Andy. Old Vene offended if he hadn't done that if you have access to a helicopter You have to try and land it in your girlfriend's garden. Even if your girlfriend's garden isn't big enough,

you owe it to all the people who don't have access to military helicopters. Not only am I glad you did it, I hope you did it wearing mirrored sunglasses and a leather jacket whilst listening to Berlin's Take My Breath Away. Prince William, indeed, the celebrity trainee monarch has come under metaphorical fire from the press

for dicking around with a helicopter just to impress a chick. But as you say John, you know, we've all done it, haven't we? Yeah. We have all done it. We've all been there. I mean, when I was William's age, I nicked an Apache from a local chopper park and hovered outside a nightclub trying to pick up honey's, but don't tell the wife.

This it must just date after it was criticized for using another helicopter to fly himself and his brother Harry to number three in order to throw into a stag weekend on the oil of white. Okay, what is the point of being king if you can't do this? I want our royal family to start behaving like airborne French aristocrats. If we're going to play for them, the least they can do is entertain us. They apparently partied into the early hours with a number of attractive young women, including a local lap dancer called G.G. La Chance.

Now, she would make it great Queen Andy. Queen G.G. La Chance, the first, probably. And also in other raw news, a new modernised crown is being designed for the Queen, the new crown made by electronic giant Dixons, features a built-in MP3 player to keep the Queen entertained during tedious public events, a scrolling news-dicker around the base to keep the public informed of forthcoming Royal events, and an electronic model corgi which dances in time to the National Anthem. anthem. Your emails now and we have an email here from Jill Swanson in Texas who says Dear Andy and John this was sent to my house by mistake somehow it's for Andy and the

letter reads as follows. Dear Andy this is your ex-bin please stop embarrassing yourself, winging on about my leaving you. I want you to hear me clearly. I left you. Your neighbours didn't steal me. The fact that you even said that shows how you've always objectified me and disregarded my feelings. Is it any wonder that I left such an theanderthal? And please stop denigrating the symbol of commitment, your neighbours and I, my

painted 53. I proudly wear this number to show the world how much I love the wonderful people at number 53, whose names you've never even bothered to learn. They're garbage, it is my honour to hold. You see, even your business even translated that for the American. For the American reader, they're garbage, and not just because they're taste and breeding far exceed your own. You might be tempted to blame your daughter and her endless diapers, again translated from America for this split, in regard to our years of union before her arrival, but it

is not her fault. It is you and how you simply use me for years without caring one wit about me until one day I was gone. Please stop walking by number 53 and glaring at me in the house. Sincerely, the bin of number 53, Jill says she doesn't know how it was sent to Texas. Before she arrived after she'd formed a lifelong hardcore bugle addiction, so she knew where to send it. So there you go Andy. Well, I'll take that as...

Well, either a hoax. No, it's not. Why would they lie? Well, why would Jill lie about that? What did she stand to gain? There's just various factual errors in it, John, that believe me to believe that if this is not a hoax, it is a coded distress signal from the bin for me to release it from number 53.

Uh-oh. I mean, you've already mentioned the use of American language, also the suggestion that the people of 53 are wonderful people. I don't know what the people at 55 would say about that, so there's a people at 53 are busy doing some illegal building work that threatens the foundations off number 55. I don't know, that's not kind and loving to me. Well, Jill, I tried, but it seems he's just not ready to let go yet. Nomination 4, Hottie from History here from Katie McNabb. Oh says, I like my men's smart dashing but slightly bonkers which leads me to my recommendation for next month's Hottie,

Aaron Burr. He can bind dashing good looks and a hugely charismatic way with the ladies with being the kind of crazy, I'd mentalist VP that makes Dick Cheney seem like a newborn kitten. Yes, Cheney shot a man in the face, but it was allegedly an accident. Bird didn't shy away from his murderous tendencies and embraced them with a pizzazzi really have to admire. Cheney can call himself the craziest feat only when he jules with another VP and shoots him down in cold blood. I'll suggest Dan Quyle. Until that time, my affections remain with the crazy blood thirsty but hugely entertaining vice president, Burr. One of America's true hotties, yours bugly Katie McNabb. Good

nomination. I don't think it's going to get a win but a good nomination. He sounds pretty hot. And this nomination for hotties comes from Kevin Ford in South Wales. Deer Andy and, may I suggest that the hot even history be not necessarily human or indeed living, for I feel there is not much more sexy than knowledge. Amen. And therefore must ask that the great library of Alexandria be considered.

It's enormous collection of books really turns my pages, nice one. And the knowledge contained within that hallowed institution makes my brain faint. As it has been sadly destroyed with much of its collection lost, we can also add a sense of poignant loss to its beauty. Like longing that the beauty of Florence Nightingale was amongst us today to explore and learn from, oh don't we all long for that. So we must wish the books of Alexandria were close to our loins. Yes we must. Consider that nomination nominated.

Have you ever fanci fancy the library, John? At individual library, no. Do I fancy all libraries? I think the answer is probably yes. Do keep your emails coming into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Also on the webpage, timesonline.co.uk slash the bugle.

You can see the full unexplicated text of the greatest email in history as discussed a couple of bugles ago and also a fully updated Hotties slideshow. Sport now and the European Cup semi-finals are rumbling on for a second week. Both of the matches have gone to a second leg as they were always scheduled to. And John, I know you're a Liverpool fan. Yeah. Yeah. Own goal scored by John on a reset. What do you want to know? Assuming not all Bugal fans are football fans as well. But this own goal kind of transcended the boundaries

of sports and life. And really just offered us a microcosm of everything that is great about human existence. A man with glory within his grasp, seconds from the end of a victory, does a diving header into the top corner of his own goal when it would have been easier to discover a cure for cancer in the position as the ball came across. And yet he saw the opportunity, Reesa, who was brave enough and good enough to take it. That's the point Andy, when an own goal is that good, I believe it should count for your own side. That would encourage own goals to be even more spectacular. We should have won that 2-0 with his goal at the end there. He should have been severed by breaking it.

Maybe Risa had half an eye on the general good of the game, John, because one nil to Liverpool would have led to a very dull second leg. And I think it's time that more leading sportsmen thought about the neutral spectator. He's a fan of the game first. His own contract second. Other sport news. Robert D. from Britain widely considered to be the worst tennis player in the world as one his first ever game at the 55th attempt. It was also his first ever set that he'd won.

He celebrated this by losing in the next round and straight set. He is now tied for longest losing streak ever with Diego Beltranina, who had 54 straight losses, but who did win a set in that time. So he couldn't even get the record. And he only had to do with lose one more time. So it must have been harder to win than to lose that game.

He's like a Miami Dolphins all over again. He choked. He choked at the last minute and won. He's still managed to get a world ranking of 1400 in professional tennis. Without ever winning a set. That makes me 1401 in world tennis. If we can't have the best tennis player in the world, Andy, I do want the worst. It's the middle ground which is most depressing. I don't mind being the worst at everything. Apparently, Robert D. John has career earnings from his pro tennis career of £1,150 over three years. Now that works out at approximately £ pound a day. That is slave labour, John. No one of the kid keeps losing. He can't afford to eat. He has played in amongst other places, Sudan, Iran and Colombia.

Suggesting that maybe his tennis career is a front for running a terrorist cell. Absolutely. And he's an arms dealer. Let's not forget, Bin Laden did once reach the semi-finals of Junior Wimbledon. And also a quick result in the rematch of the 1908 FA Cup Final involving all the surviving players, Wolverhampton Wombrers-Nill, Newcastle United, Nill. Disappointing game. Disappointing. Very static. Disappointing. Very static. Audio-cryptic crossword now and the legendary audio-crossword has been mired in controversy this week after the accidental use of a repeat clue last week.

I don't believe anyone notices that. You've been wrong, John. You've noticed that. You'd be wrong, John, because we have this email from David McCormick, who, with a subject, bastard. He writes, quote, the first time such a clue has ever been featured in the history of broadcasting, eh? I've just waited through 29 minutes of embittered, deconstructed, file, and attempted humorical behavior. Lovely callback to the greatest email. Very good. Very good. I only to discover that you'd repeated their clufer 12 across. I imagine this was an act of deliberate subterfusion and an attempt to ensure John is kept in a state of protracted misery. Yes, it was.

But I fear that such a cheap shot will ultimately backfire. Before you know, you have a rogue band of apoplectic audio-cruisy verbalists. Good word. Marauding the streets, hellbent on procuring the blood of those who deny them their weekly're weakly fixed. I could only apologise, I had a difficult week. Maybe it's just best to let the audio crypticrossword die here, how about that? It isn't best, John. In fact, I'm going to swing the other way and give two clues this week to make up for the

lack of clue last week. Oh no. Six down, it's five letters long. long and it's very topical for this stage of the football season and it's this going from one end to the other but it's a messy goal around the end of season five letters and also four down you get eight and six and this is a slightly delayed withering satirical attack. Is this what Blair did to his time in office? Question mark, hospital department from which I depend withered. Take that Mr Blair, 8-6. That clue is 8-6-2-1.

And finally, Bugle forecast now, and my forecast, John, as we record this on Friday, the 25th of April. Is that by the time this show is broadcast on Monday the 28th of April, our producer Tom Willough got married and I am confident this will prove to be true and I'm also sincerely hoping for the sake of how many of this show it does prove to be true. All the evidence points to it.

Also for the light heartedness of that comment Andy, I really hope that doesn't boom around back into your face. So Tom isn't going to be a wife for a few weeks, so if you have any complaints about the quality of this broadcast, please send them to the honeymoon suite, Mikemethel's Bed and Breakfast, Bogna reaches England. But Tom's getting married on the 26th of April, which is a bit insensitive the birthday of my late grandmother. Tom, really?

Thanks a lot mate. Happy wedding Tom. Do try and cry less than I did at my wedding. I've cried so much that I had the Icelandic tourist board asking for me to come back to Rekivic. That's all from the bugle this week. Thanks for listening. I'm gonna go and have a bath. I'll speak to you again next week. Bye! Bye bye!

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