The Bugle - Foreign snow is invading Britain!

Episode Date: February 9, 2009

The 63rd ever Bugle podcast, from 2009. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers and welcome to issue 63 of the Bughal for the week beginning Monday, the 9th of February 2009 with me and his ozman here in the Snowstricken City of London. And in New York City it's John Oliver.

That's right, the Snow Defiant City of New York. Hello's John Olima. That's right, it's the snow-definance city of New York, Hello Andy, hello, Bueblers! How are you doing Andy? Are you cold? Well John, it has been just a terrible week over here. This country has been under attack as never before and really at times it's like we wouldn't pull through but I guess kind of like the blitz but more so we've managed to make it to Friday and we can only hope that next week brings slightly warmer weather. Here's something that might inspire you Andy do you remember that short-lived craze of landing planes on rivers? Oh it

started a few weeks ago right next to the office I'm working never really caught on I thought it was going to be the next yo-yo, but didn't really work out for them. Well, maybe it was ahead of its time. Anyway, the point is that these superhero pilots who saved 150 lives that day has taken heroism to the next level. He added to his physical heroism by committing an act of administering heroism.

He wrote a letter of apology this week to his local library for failing to return a book that was lost in the crash True and the book and I'm not making this up was about professional epics I would simply say this to hero captain Chelsea Salonberger Turn it down or not your tune. You're starting to make us all look bad I can't fly playing dandy and the majority of my relationship with library books as a youth was drawing penises into them. I called it the Penisification of Knowledge. So now I feel like a complete waste of life. I can't look kids in the street in the eye.

There was also a great point from the library who said, We honor Mr. Solomon Berger, both for what he did on the Hudson and his quick response to a lost book. That is so understated, it's borderline British. The statement went on to say, although as a librarian, I personally would have lost 150 lives and saved the book. But that's just a personal priority choice. I had a very rare, very later in moment this week, John, about my place in the world and my responsibilities as a father, a husband, a podcaster, an award-winning author, a chef, a footballer, and a role model to the billions of bugle listeners around the world. When my two-year-old daughter, Matilda, turned to me with a face coated in yoghurt and said, in no uncertain terms.

Grow up, daddy. It was just a matter of time before that happened. As always, some sections of the Bugle are going straight in the bin. This week, a special Bugle forgery section. In the straight-in times, we'll be showing you how to forge a £20 note. The key is to get the right Adam Smith on the £20 note you want the 18th century professional economic o'filosopher rather than Adam Smith, the English football player currently playing his trade with Monley York City or Adam Smith, the guy who was at school with, unless you draw either of those wearing 18th century clothes in which case you might get away with it.

We'll also be showing you how to forge a $1 trillions in barbed wire bill, although quite literally that won't be worth the paper it's written on. And the much coveted $220 US dollar bill. That's the one with a picture of Richard Gear had butting David Kuresh at the Waco Siege and the lyrics to Debbie Gibson's Shake Your Love on the Back. And we'll also be showing you how to pass off your new kitchen ceiling as a genuine fresco by 15th century Tuscan Whiskid Masagio. Also how to work out of the urinal you've just wazed in might be sailable as an early

work by Doddettist, Jace Stur Marseille-Douchomp, or how to make a sketch of a cat in a microwave look like it was done by Ajay McLean of the Backstreet Boys while he waited to go on stage at the boys comeback again in 2005. Plus, how to turn 10 empty cornflake packets into a possible chest of ill sofa, and how to forge historical documents proving that your ancestor was responsible for giving Florence Nightingale her first gig in nursing, and exactly what she was prepared to do to get it. And also, how to forge an episode of the bugle. Hang on. Is this fake? John, jump up and down. No, it's a fake. It's a fake. That's how you tell. It's a fake. Who would do such a thing? What's the point? The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The falls have reduced Britain to a jibbering, shivering, collapsed wreck this week, roads have

gridlocked, schools have closed, public transport has shut down and in response the British people have snapped into action by doing what they do best, complaining, whining, moaning and even breaking out some emergency grumbles. It truly is Britain in her element. That's right, and scenes reminiscent of the worst excesses of the Luftwaffe. Snow has fallen across the god-given land of Britain, bringing the nation to a catatonic standstill. Actually, with hindsight, John, if the Germans had dropped small crystals of ice from their youngsters and mesh smits, we would probably have caved in.

Bombs we can deal with, snow is too much of a logistical problem for this country. And, you know, the worst of the world may mock at what this snowfall has done to Britain, John. But do you know how much snow fell here in London? Not much. About four inches, John. Possibly six. Now, I bet you Americans, like yourself, John,

you've never even seen six inches of snow in your entire lives put together. It's impossible to do anything with six inches of snow. Me as a survival is the best anyone could hope for. And I would say if any bugle listener, anywhere in the world has ever seen more than six inches of snow, I'd like to talk to them and I will tell them that there are a lot.

It's not possible to suffer that level of snowfall and have the personal infrastructure to keep your central nervous system and vital organs working unless you're British. And that's what we've done this week, John. We've kept going. I think you're right, though. Britain is an international law-fixed dark Andy.

Norway can't look as in the face. It's just not that much snow. Three inches shut down the tube in London. It's basically a Siberian summer. As a friend of mine here said, three inches of snow, I could shit three inches of snow. I have no reason to doubt her. She looked like she meant it.

And I wasn't going to challenge her for fear of proving it. In fact the studio that Andy's in right now is like a winter wonderland in London, the white witches zooming around on us led, a four-man is operating the sound booth and Andy's inside a stodrift with a carrot for a makeshift nose. If a little boy and blue striped pajamas will only come out to play with him, he'll animate himself, fly them on an adventure as the boy sings angiallically, before melting and breaking the boy's heart. So there's been a tough week for the British ornus, specifically in this case, the English, the Scots, Welsh, Jaldis and other parts of the nation,

actually more hardy than us, Delica Anglo-Saxons, John. When the weather gets a bit parky, they generally take it as an opportunity to take their pajamas off, paint their nuts blue and stand on the board of challenging England to a fight. But we have a problem with wintery weather, which comes down essentially to the fact that we assume that without reservation, it will never happen. And therefore taking basic preemptive precautions would be both a waste of time and deeply unpatriotic. Because aren't some of you this John? Did Henry V have gritter lorries with him in case Aging call froze over? No he didn't.

Did Elizabeth first kick her ships out with ice chains in case they are milder eyes on a frosty morning and they couldn't get them out of the garage? No she did not. And did the Duke of Wellington have a fleet of snow plows up his sleeve in case they were what rose to waterloo got covered in snow? He did not. Although to be fair he did invent the Wellington boot to where in case it melted and the battlefield got sludgy.

But that's beside the point, he wore quality socks, he didn't want them ruined, fair enough. They all relied on a far more effective defence against slightly adverse weather conditions, John. Britishness. That is the most effective run, and that's how we've responded this time by either British saying, well we've all done jolly well not to freeze to death, or by even more British saying, this country has gone to the dogs, and what's more it's put all its money on the greyhound in trap six. And that dog has now carried off the track into the stands, is barking an old man and trying to hump a hot dog van.

The upshot being, we're at embarrassed and out of pocket. How is it, Andy, that a western country basically shuts down after a bit of snow? How is it that a country in the G8 can be brought to its knees by a relatively minor weather front? Just put that into context, John. The whole nation basically took a couple of days off work. And 36 hours after the unprecedented ICDU fell, by which I mean the heaviest snowfall for 18 years in London, it prompted the old people to reminisce on when they were young and all they could see was icebergs.

36 hours after this snow had fallen, I tried to get an overland train into London, no dice, John, all trains were cancelled due to staff having a snowman competition, or the train driver getting distracted by a sweet winter scene of a child in a woolly hat poking a stick into a snow covered bin, or no one really giving a shit, that was another reason, or something about human rights, or a total longstanding institutional refusal to legislate for unusual but foreseeable weather conditions. That we just can't deal with this kind of thing, John. Well, because now the new problem is that apparently Britain is running out of salt to grit roads with, turning some roads into, and I quote, I see death traps, but salt shortages,

really, this is not how I thought we'd go out, Andy. What has happened to our once great Britain? We repelled the Nazis. We kicked the Romans out after they got bored. How on earth are we being taken down by salt shortages and the concept of chilliness? We've gone soft. We could be invaded at any point now.

We just roll over. Any army with a half decent snow machine could conquer us in a couple of days. Particularly, this salt shortage is a bit of an embarrassment given that we are surrounded by the sea. But I guess you could argue that Britain was attacked by snow. And we should have mobilised the army to take on these delicate flaky bastards before they hit the ground. At the very least now we should be allowed to retaliate. We should find out where these weather fronts have come from or we should strike back.

So I did that Andy and apparently it's because there's a warm front from France coming up which is hitting a cold front coming in from the north. It's Iceland and it's France working together in a Pinter movement Andy. We must defend ourselves. I saw like 1066 all over again. The Vikings up north. We saw them off and we had down south, take on the French. We've had a few injuries and deaths in the first match and then we just can't we can't keep them out. The Vikings up north, we saw them off and we had down south take on the French. We've had a few injuries and deaths in the first match and then we just can't, we can't keep them out. So they've been complaints on about the weather costing the economy potentially millions of pounds to which people have responded by throwing a snowball the nearest business while shouting the economy, the economy has been costing the economy millions of pounds recently,

it's time it went and f**k itself before building a snow effigy of the Bank of England and you're relating on it. America economy update now and let's focus on the positives first. America still technically has an economy, so that's something, and it should be grateful for that. Some countries would love to have an economy like America's, even in its current state. And if America doesn't start being grateful, we'll pack that economy up and we'll send it as in Barboui to play with. Even though America's economy does seem

like it's about to try and book an appointment with a Swiss doctor to put it out of his misery, Obama still somehow has kept his near 70% approval rating and to put that in perspective, in bush approval terms, that's around three presidencies. Basically, he is rubbing his economic defibrillator pants together shouting clear given the economy a blast stepping back looking desperately for signs of life cranking it up again giving it another go shouting stay with me stay with me whilst or already wondering how he's going to break the news to the economy's family.

That's it he's got a bead of sweat running down his forehead to these screams don't you die on me. The problem is no one knows. He's all very well having these stimulus packages, John, but no one knows if they're going to work. And that's because no one knows anything about economics. All we know about economics now is that as a species, the human race knows so little about economics

that we are basically, like the world's first medical researchers trudging around the world in prehistoric times, eating herbs and berries and asking, does this cure rheumatism? It doesn't, it's poisonous, how poisonous, deadly poisonous. Right, that's another one on the no list. Let's try this one. And that is basically how economic is working at the moment. This has been over described to the World War Meaders, us, nearing the end of our honeymoon period with a farmer.

I guess there may well be an element of truth to that. So let's enjoy this feeling of a honeymoon while it lasts, because before you know it, reality will set in, the romance will be all begun and we'll be taking a dump in front of each other. Also, you know, this honeymoon is extra special. How many honeymoon have you been on, John? That's just what I'm planning. That's basically calling time on it. It's like the hooter at the end of a rugby league match-leg match. Also, this honeymoon is extra special and indeed important, as America is desperately trying to forget its ex-husband. And anyway, there's nothing wrong with honeymoon, Sandy. Honeymoon's a great. People like them. And there's no better time to have one than when you actually still like each other.

No one wants to go to the Virgin Islands with someone they can't stand to look at anymore. And I'm thinking primarily of the Iljo's honeymoon between America and President Van Buren in late 1841. That was tense silences, accusatory looks, too many pylacoladas and one Iljo's speedo. The writing was on the wall. Besides, it's important for America to enjoy this honeymoon period. They've just got out of a terrible relationship,

they've met someone who seems to genuinely want to help them regain their self-esteem, and no, this honeymoon won't last forever. And the eventually a barmer will start to annoy them, and maybe he'll cut his toenails in the white house kitchen or continue to support CIA rendition to illegal black sites around the world. And it's not like the statistics are in their favour anyway, look to history, almost two thirds of Presidencies end with a first term. But for now, let's forget all that. Let's not begrise them letting Obama carry them over the threshold

and dry-humping them for a bit. So, I believe he promised to do at the convention in Denver. I think this podcast has definitely got bluer in the last few months. A barmer also this week called for a common-sense pay cap for executives of bailout companies of $500,000, a move which even some key Republicans have supported. In fact, Mike Pence said he opposed the financial sector bailout to begin with and said, well, maybe this is going to wake up American businesses.

There is a cost when you invite the £800-gorello of government into your boardroom. In fact, that's a good bellweather for how bad things have gotten here Andy, that it would have actually been significantly less damaging for every Wall Street company, just to let an actual 800-pound gorilla into their boardroom for a year. Let him sit on the board, smash things around, eat bananas and vote on any key decisions. He would probably have done a better job or certainly not any worse due to his or her innate humanity. Similar stuff going on over here John, the Bugles sister publication,

the Times prominent 250 year old newspaper, described what they said was a stampede by banks to beat the government crackdown on bonuses. A stampede, but it'd get these bonuses in before they are outlawed. And I guess what this proof John is that we cannot trust the markets to run themselves, and it's really further testament to the words of Adam Smith in his 1776 economic blockbuster The Wealth of Nations, who wrote about the invisible hand guiding the market. While in recent years John, that invisible hand has been treating itself to the occasional unsolicited grope, as invisible hands inevitably will,

it's also been flicking invisible v-signs at the general public. And many now argue that the government has to step in and regulate the invisible hand, at least Mary could wear a glove, so its unwanted fondlings can be seen, or perhaps even anticipated and slapped, or if it's obviously rubbing its fingers and thumbs together on excessive excitement, I just think we need to do something more about it. And the fat cats are a big problem here, as we've seen, John, and being a fat cat or to give it its medical name, fully no copulentalism, is a psychiatric condition whose severity is often underestimated due to the lampooning of the gutter press. Because you have to remember, John, fat catadenous is a state of mind, not a state of income.

And it causes a chemical imbalance in the soul, which can lead to irrational behaviour, such as limousine hiring, cigar smoking, and yacht owning. And we really need to try and understand this very difficult condition. More than we do. More than we do. More than we do. More than we do. As well, don't forget that. Don't forget that. Oh yeah, that is great fact, attitude. Yeah, if you're wearing a monocle,

you're either very rich or very poor, and probably a bit mad, either way. [♪ BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS,INGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, B we had promised the American would come back in last week's episode, including this one from Jordan Hall, who writes, dear Andy and John, please bring back the Ask an American section, or I will simply kill you. Best wishes, Jordan. Well, similarly, is that like a simple form, is that just like breaking our necks very calmly? Yeah, I think just taking a bomb down to the side of the head.

Yeah, single bolt gun bullet. Yeah, it's stroking our hair and easing us off into a permanent sleep Yeah, I mean rather than have that Andy. What I thought I'd do is Well, butlers we have listened to you. So please welcome fresh from Las Vegas County Jail the America Yeah, all right. How you doing everybody? You're looking good note and you're looking good I was gonna look at this guy. Oh, what do you got glasses on nice touch nice touch I'm gonna fight us opening maybe we're not working the crowd. Yeah, and we're gonna crowd a little bit You know what I mean look at this I'll let you in the engineering booth look shop

You look sharp. Oh, we haven't seen each other since Vegas. I'm waiting. That's right. You're right And there may be there may be a connection or why I haven't been on the show I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna say full prosecution or arrest I'm just gonna say I've been out of I've been out of town you know what I'm saying right ladies I've been out of town right ladies come on did you end up up all down in Vegas when you have a your head in a vice is that up and down which is that I forget I think that's down oh yeah okay so down a bit yeah down a bit. And how about your brother? How's how's he? He's okay. Let's just say he's okay. Okay. I don't want to get too specific right now because my attorney is advised me now What a town Vegas, huh? Only in the USA because we have a place like Vegas. Well first we should say congratulations on your moments of history

American you're welcome. So what do we do again? What thing happened we've done that's history in the last two hundred plus years yeah well let's not dwell on that but let's just oh I was primarily thinking you the first African-American president so you know it's it's like yeah it's exciting it's pretty exciting yeah you gotta expect it from us first I mean no other country has ever had a black leader except us boom we won we won world we got there first we did it I think we did it first country in the world have a black guy in charge that's it's simply not for us you yeah I know I understand that's a it's a very rhythmic chance but you know you're

understanding most African nations have had black leaders for quite some time I got to check that I'm pretty sure what made this history was the fact that we're the first country in the world have a black guy in charge I mean, I'm really- Can that say some? Must insist that that is not- Like I don't want to diminish this because it's an amazing thing that happened here, but you cannot claim that Okay, wait, hold on

We're the first country in the world have a black guy in charge, I just claimed it And what are you gonna do about it? Nothing, because- What are you gonna do? We're gonna have African-vaders? What are they have a f***ing pick up truck with a guy on the machine gun on the back? Come on come on over Afrika. We're waiting for you. They got pirates now. Oh Pirates I'm so scared. What are you gonna do take me out my jet ski?

What are you gonna do with your pirates? Are you suggesting that Robert McAlba use in fact white? I'm suggesting Robert McAlba is not real a leader. He's a terrorist. Oh See those guys you're giving them the credit They want you to give them they're acknowledging them as as as leaders and I'm saying those guys aren't leaders Those guys are terrorists. I see so it's a Unless you lead unless you lead people the right way. You're not really a leader. Okay. You know what I'm saying? What does that even mean? It's a philosopher's term. It's a philosophy. You can't just say A little bit about philosophy is a philosopher's term say I've been reading a little bit about the philosophy and philosophers terms.

The cartes have been reading a little bit of that stuff. Obviously the big story at the moment in America is the American economy. Yeah. How are you feeling? I feel great about it. We're booming. We're booming. We're always booming on me here. No, you're not. You're collapsing. Well, but that's what everyone keeps saying. You understand? And like, there's two things happening. There's's a psychological economy and there's a real economy and

the psychological economy is everyone on the news saying oh no oh no the economy's collapsing we're screwed just like they said oh uh kill a b's are gonna come get us oh yeah where am I alive and my dead from b's no and my dead no I'm still alive oh saw as bird flu. Yeah, the economy. I don't believe any of the crap they spew. They're always always something to go. The black plague is two weeks away. Yeah, suck on it. Yeah, America is not going anywhere, baby. Yeah. The world would like to think that. But no, we're winning again. Right. The best economy. I guess what happens? They say our economy's bad. The whole world ripples. There's a whole ripple through the whole world and that's what people have to understand we are

the world economy so people better come here and spend their money well that much is true you know that there was uh... the davos world economic summit right and i mean america came in for some very stern criticism there for basically screwing the world economy how do you respond to that what you know this is a very frustrating topic for me and I don't want to get heat to heated. But how can we be blamed for screwing the world economy when we are the reason there is a world economy? In other words, everyone wants,

oh, everybody wants, everyone sees what we do and then they emulate it. It's like, okay, oh look, they have sneakers. Now we want sneakers. You know, like sneakers didn't exist, except they were invented here by Nike and then everyone over there Was going oh we're making them just because we're making them here. Oh, I guess we want them now too, you know like oh because I'm on 15 and I'm on an assembly line making an American sneakers now. I got to wear them

No, so it's like we created that world economy. We've got people in India picking up our phone calls boom world economy That's us we've got people in China buying our cars, boom, we're all the economy. So they're benefiting from America and yet complaining about how great we are. I don't understand, there's a, again, to quote, you know, a philosophy, it's, you're damned either way. So just this mind given that America's influence on the global economy, that we can expect the pretzel dog to enter the British food market within the next year or so? Yeah, you believe me, I've eaten British food, you better hope the pretzel dog gets there. Now you mentioned John that he's buying American cars, I would point out that no one

is buying American cars including you. That's absolutely untrue. I drive a Toyota pickup truck that's built right here in the United States of America. That's a genius call. But it's built in the USA now. So what's the difference? Wait, hold on. Have you seen my car?

Do I not have a magnet on the back that supports our troops and an American flag on the back? So I just, okay, American car. The fine, what an American car is. It's a car driven by an American that says he supports our troops. Boom, American. I think you're confusing an american car with a car that's built by an american company uh... it's interesting that's

right that like i'd like to see it uh... just a little japanese man driving the bill japanese car you know what i'm saying yeah he's swarvin in and out it is a worries going from japan and uh... of course as well you just have the super bowl great game great show on, great show on earth. Great show on earth.

We did it again. Super Bowl. World champions and we're the only ones in it. Yeah. That's right, world. You don't even bother having an American football team because we don't need you to have one. We're the world champions.

How about that? How about that Arizona plays Pittsburgh, boom, world champions. Did Arizona play Athens, Greece? No, that would be a world game. We don't even need to have a world game. That would have world champions. That should say something about how dominant we are. Are we rooting for a particular team?

We don't need your permission, is what I'm saying. Of course I was rooting for a particular team. Pittsburgh Steelers. It's a real American team. The team's name they have to steal, which is an American product. You know, we invented steel. steal, which is an American product. We invented steel.

No, you didn't invent steel. Pretty sure we did. Pretty sure we did. You've annoyed the world part of the stimulus package, which states that from stimulus projects, you would all be American goods. They should buy American. Which is technically illegal under the world trade rules. No, but we're just telling Americans to buy American goods when I tell everyone has to yeah

I know for that. Well in other words if it doesn't matter what we do and you don't want to deal with us And what would you care if we didn't buy you know? It's not fair. I was it's not fair Well, because made in the USA should it should say that on the back before you buy it But I mean what could you not just buy other people's things and slam a little Magnet sign support the troops USA on it? That doesn't make any sense In other words, how can you buy something that's made in France and then put a sticker on it

But and now it's made in America, but I thought that's what you just said No with cars I said those cars have built here They've built them by American hands. I'm lost Andy. I'm lost by American hands I thought he was making sense and think I'll fall on the part again I think French open a freedom-free factory. Let's say somewhere in the United States And I was buying those fries from that company Even if a French guy was behind I mean, I personally wouldn't buy anything from the French just because I don't trust them You know what I mean? And I think they're be honest with you. I think they're obnoxious people

I mean, I they've had a few times where I'm on the subway, something a f***ing French guy gets on. Oh, my going. Oh. I don't know where you're going. I'll go back to it. If you don't know where you're going, what are you doing here? You know what I'm saying? I got to give you instructions now on where to go.

Didn't the French basically invent the half of America? What? I'm sorry. What did you just say? Say that again. Was that an email? Because that was in an email I prefer not to answer.

I don't mind answering emails, but that seems like you're just trying to get under my skin. I know that there's some stuff in Canada, and I could tell you this, if we felt like it, we could take whatever they did in Canada. About, I would say, three moves on the Stratigal board. We don't, we don't Canada. But pretty much, you know,

the whole of Central part of America, that was France. Yeah, you just bought it off the French. You're basically French. Look, look. Listen, whole of Central part of America. That was France. Yeah, you just bought it off the French. You're basically French. Look, look. Listen, I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now. Good, you're smelling of garlic.

Let me clarify. I'll give you one piece of land we bought from the French, okay? And it's a piece of land that was built poorly and it's Louisiana. And there's a reason, there's a reason that that hurricane did so much damage down there It's because it's French built so what we have to do we got to build that wall with American people and American Engineers and we're gonna take all the French out of that city and then it'll get back to itself

Is that is that what you built your own awful tower in Las Vegas? That was a gag That was like a dare like I was like I dared to build it. I'm not just French thing and Vegas. And the other guy was like, I got enough money. I'll do it. And finally, what did you think of Bruce Springsteen at the Super Bowl? That guy is what it's all about.

You're feeling awful. You're always a lot of Jesus Christ. I mean, it's a beautiful thing. I mean, first of all, guys, almost six years though, he's sliding around the stage like he's got ants and his pants over there. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what he's doing. He's jumping, He's dancing. He's singing. Hey, by the way

You know what it's with him to it's always clean. He doesn't have to go blue. I respect that I mean you know, I mean you don't have a drop in F bomb, you know, or or a swear word never He's always singing clean and he's always thinking about one thing being born right here in the USA I mean you do I'm sorry that song was a really critique of Vietnam right here in the USA. I mean you do understand that song was a really critique of Vietnam. Which song was it? Born in the USA? Yeah. No, I think that song was actually about how great it is to be born in the USA. I'm pretty sure, I mean it's called Born in the USA. I don't really know why everything is at the bait today with you guys. Have you ever listened to the verses of those songs? Yeah, born in the USA. I was born in the USA and then M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M M Jersey, you know? Then he's got that song about being from Jersey. Yeah, you know, I love that other one about how like Jersey's like got swamps, you know, I mean, he's got so much of it his home, you know, mainly because I'm from Jersey

You know, but other than that, I mean the guy is the boss Can't call someone the boss if they're not in charge. It's all I'm saying. Well, I can do you have any message any Concluding message for the world in terms of people trying to recover their economies at the moment? Yeah, I would say by American goods. No, that's not going to help. That's not, people don't want to hear that. Well, I remember growing up, my dad would say things like, oh, you know, like, don't eat paste, don't smoke cigarettes.

And I didn't want to hear it, but I didn't do it. So this is the same thing. It's us to the world. It's like a parent, and I'm telling the world, what's best for them. I was all I'm trying to do. You might not want to hear it, but if you listen, it will end up being the right thing to do.

If you buy American goods, a few things will happen, okay? You buy American goods. Let's just make up a product, okay? Let's call them American widgets, okay? That's just a very basic, that's like a fake thing. You buy American widgets, okay? That's just a very basic, that's like a fake thing. You buy American widgets. Now, me, Mr. American Widgetmaker, now he's got a lot of money.

Okay. So what do I do? Maybe I take a trip. I take a trip to some place like Las Vegas, okay? Now, I spend a lot of money at a casino when Las Vegas, some French guy comes in. He wins a slot machine. Why is that slot machine?

Have money in it? Because I spent a lot of my money there. Now, he goes home with money from that slot machine and he spends it on like a French bread at a bakery or whatever they eat over there. I have no idea. Cheese and bread, I don't know, and cigarettes, whatever they do over there and burrays, right?

So, now he's buying from some French guy, burrays, where did he get that money? America. So, all you people have to do is come over here, win in a casino, hopefully not steal it, but whatever. Somehow figure out how to get the money back from us and then spend it in your countries. The money is here. You just have to come and figure out how to get it. So that's the motivator. That's how the economy works. That's the world of the competition of trickle down economics. It's not trickle down. It's a marrow centric. Okay, they used to think the

world revolve around the earth and they oh no, it revolves around the sun, right? That world keeps saying, oh, the world revolves around the world. No, it revolves around America. We're the sun. All you guys have to do is come close to the sun and take a little bit of the heat. That's all you got to do. It's right here for you. It's so simple. Oh, it makes sense again. He's done it. Exactly. You know, the baker in France is sitting pretty. American. Thank you once again for your words. You guys have worked in this bridge building. You guys have created it really always always have fun with you guys. Right. I'm afraid that has taken up a space for your email. So we will have a special extended email section next week,

including all your complaints or praise for the American. Do get your emails, go into the google at timesonline.co.uk and we've had some absolute caucus this week. So we'll be reading them out next week when they're slightly out of date. Sport now and well, John, as you mentioned, the Super Bowl was a triumph for America. Dramatic game, Springsteen though, the unquestionable highlight. And for me, the highlight was when he said, is there anybody alive out there at the start of his set? And, you know, as a comedian, I admire that because that is what I have to

usually say at the end of my gig. And also, I like to enjoy it when his guitarist and henchman shouted out, it's boss time. Yeah, it was boss time. Set your clocks to boss. Oh, the only thing, I thought he meant it boss as a verb. He was going to start embossing something, carving an ornamental decoration to go on the ceiling and make a cathedral. That would have been a very interesting halftime, shall we? Sure, or maybe he meant boss in the zoological sense of the word,

in other words, a protuberance on the body of an animal. And I thought, I was taking America years to even get start getting over Janet Jackson's wazook, popping out for the body of an animal. And I thought, I was taking America years to even get start getting over Janet Jackson's wazook popping out for a tenth of a second. This is the last thing they need. I was intrigued. Has God said anything about the defeat of Kurt Warner,

his favourite quarterback? Well, I think, yeah, I mean, Kurt's a bit shaken by that, obviously, because he was under the impression that God was going to win him that Super Bowl due to how he was such great friends with God. Yeah. I did see one of his press conferences afterwards Kurt Warner, one of God's biggest fans in the NFL. And he said these words, I can't believe the great Lord called that play with less than a minute to go. What a prize dick bag. I've prayed to that guy so hard

and so often in my career and then he screws me over like that. I knew I should have signed for the confusions when I had the chance. Very sad. Swimming news now and Michael Phelps, the world's greatest swimmer, has let the entire planet down by being photographed acting like a normal 23-year-old. In the offending photographs, Phelps 23 was clearly not an instrument pool, not wearing any sponsors' kit, not breaking any world records, and most damning live-all, not being freakishly good at something that is devoted in the human quantity of time and effort to. I feel sick, John. This man has let us all down, felt spent his life swimming from one end of a pool to the other, and back again, pretty

f***ing quickly. But he was snapped at a party inhaling from a bong that might have had some marijuana in. And in doing so, John, at no point did he stretch the human body beyond what was previously thought possible whilst displaying an indomitable competitive spirit and stratospheric will to win. I thought I was a real shame from the man, he's let all his fans down. And really this photo, after one photograph, this one little lapse of judgement as he described is, rendered helps his 14 Olympic gold medals and 32 world records just a stinking footnote in the annals of our once noble species athletic achievements. Now really worth a little more than 45-year-old accounts executive Roger Watkins' personal

best of three scrunched up balls of paper lobbed consecutively into his office waste paper bin. It resulted in felps the former 22-year-old being dropped by one of his sponsors, the serial behamoth's Kellogg's, who decided that felps single-minded dedication to biomechanical perfection in the chlorinated aquatic context was behaviour, quote, not consistent with the image of Kellogg. And it's certainly ill-buffitting the makers of adequate breakfast food to be associated with a man like that. He's been suspended from swimming for three months and warns not to repeat his lifetime of self-sacrifice. So in a self-support for Michael Phelps, John, and I think he's taking an unfair battering from the notoriously drug-free media industry. I'm going to boycott

swimming for the next three months. I might have the odd bath, but I won't wag on my legs in it. In fact, I might start even going down to my local swimming baths and booing anyone who is swimming or looks like they might be about to go for a swim. You know what they look like, John? Not many clothes on, goggles on the face, dead giveaway. But it's a shame he's going to meet. That's all he's going to be a remember for now, John. That one photograph, not many clothes on goggles on the face, dead giveaway. But it's a shame he's going to be, that's all he's going to be, you remember for now, John. That one photograph, not for being the closest to human being has ever come to being a speedboat. Hahaha. Swimming is dead.

And just time for the bugle forecast, well last week's forecast John was on the pigeons. So, what's the pigeon situation? Well, the pigeon situation is that's another thing that the snow screwed over. Oh, no way! Pigeon man couldn't put his ladder off it was too slippery on the ground. The pigeons are still there. That's a disaster. I tell you what the snow didn't stop John.

It didn't stop the pigeon shitting on my doorstep. So let's have a roll over prediction then Andy. Do you think the snow will still have prevented your pigeon massacre next week? Oh I want to prevent it, John. It's just a question of whether it's done professionally or by me. We're crickety back up a ladder. So that's it from the Bugle for this week. Keep emailing us at bugle.com.com.

Not you, Kay. And in the meantime, if you see a pigeon, tell it to go f*** yourself from me. Hahaha. Bye bye, Bugueglos. Goodbye!