The Bugle - Frazzles and Chipsticks (4208)

Episode Date: October 12, 2021

Andy is with a returning Tom Ballard and a debuting Neil Delamere to talk shrinkflation, trade deals, birds and sportswashing.Come see us live at Leicester Square Odeon, in London, on 13th November.We are funded entirely by you, the listener. Listeners who sign up via OUR NEW WEBSITE thebuglepodcast.com have long enjoyed the opportunity to get: mentions on the show (in the form of lies), merchandise and general sense of wellbeing for supporting this fine work of art. As of this week you can also support the show directly via Apple Podcasts. Our new channel ‘Team Bugle’ also includes The Gargle and Tiny Revolutions, shows which currently carry ads - but they will be completely ad free on this channel. So if you love The Bugle, and it’s siblings, then please support The Bugle via our website or Apple Podcasts where you can subscribe today.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW). Listen to The Gargle here: https://pod.link/GargleFollow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Come see us live at Leicester Square Odeon, in London, on 13th November.We are funded entirely by you, the listener. Listeners who sign up via OUR NEW WEBSITE thebuglepodcast.com have long enjoyed the opportunity to get: mentions on the show (in the form of lies), merchandise and general sense of wellbeing for supporting this fine work of art. As of this week you can also support the show directly via Apple Podcasts. Our new channel ‘Team Bugle’ also includes The Gargle and Tiny Revolutions, shows which currently carry ads - but they will be completely ad free on this channel. So if you love The Bugle, and it’s siblings, then please support The Bugle via our website or Apple Podcasts where you can subscribe today.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW). Listen to The Gargle here: https://pod.link/GargleFollow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanNeil DelamereTom BallardAnd produced by Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Basic greeting, a bit of waffle, introduce guests, pretend to care what they've been up to, something about the date, section in the bin, needless cricket reference, a bleak message about Scientology, oh, sorry, I'm reading the running order not in the script, sorry it's my mistake. Hello, Bueglers, and welcome to issue 4,208 of the Bugle with me and exaltsman in the shed not live and in zero dimensions as is off in the case with recorded audio shows. Unless you count time and sound as dimensions, which is up to you. It's Monday the 11th of October, 2021. As we record and later on we will be looking at the global supply chain problems.

But there's no such trouble with our Bugle co-hosts this week. First, someone who's not been on the show for six months during which time he's been a mixture of stuck in a shipping container and or totally out of fuel. I assume that's why he's not been on anyway but thankfully the global supply of Tom Ballard is flowing once again. Welcome back Tom. Have you been? I have been terrible. Oh, right. Hang on. Sorry. I should have some humorous jokes about this, but no, I've had a medital collapse at a identity crisis,

questioning my place in the world. There's been a lot of inflation around my body as well. I put on a lot of weight. And I'm desperate for this hellhole of pandemic lockdown to be over, so I can be free. And out there living a more fulfilling life connecting with other human beings But thank you for asking Andy. I know how important it is to you to check you with us and ask us what we're up to. So thanks for that.

Sixth year of introductory banter. Now obviously the idea that supplies everything are grinding to a halt It's just another global conspiracy by the Bilderberg group to make us inject ourselves with tracking devices and donate all our organs to Warren Buffett to make him functionally mortal. However, the supply chain of new Bugle co-hosts is also in good health. So welcome to the show, Neil Delamere. Hello, how are you? Great, thanks, lovely to have you on the show. Introduce yourself to the listeners.

I am I'm joining you from Ireland in the EU where there are no shortages at the moment. I've had I've had my first petal bath of the day and it was delightful. The scented candles were a bit of a risk I would visit that but I'm feeling very relaxed. I'm looking at my water feature my garden it's little boy-wing water into the fountain that you may have seen before, except it's not little boys cheer are youing and it's not water, it's diesel, but the point stands. I am very, very well gentleman and I do like that you asked me a question I can answer rather than asking Tom. What I believe is called a quick, you know in the legal dramas they always say don't ask a question that you don't know the answer to you got more Your bargain for it there and I really enjoyed this conflict. I have to say

So I just forgot I forgot I wasn't speaking to someone British you'll just so fine that fine Why you drinking 11 o'clock this morning? I'm fine. I'm towards you already. We are recording on Monday 11th of October, the 12th of October marks the 100th anniversary of the 187th anniversary of the 240th second anniversary of the day that explorer entrepreneur travel writer and frequent shithead Christopher Columbus arrived on the west Inside of the Atlantic fair to say team Europe's behavior in the subsequent centuries has not always been tip top And certainly Columbus and his acolytes and followers interpret the philosophy of Jesus Christ who of course was a Europe's number one rank Messiah in 1492 pretty loosely or maybe that since 1492, we've just lost

some of the chapters of the Bibles that Columbus and the like, read, featuring the parable of the genocide occupation. And the miracle where Jesus turned free people into slaves and money. And back in the OG Testaments, Psalm 287, I think you'll find that's actually mine now. When say the 13th, October is bring your teddy bear to work day. But the big question is, what should you do with your teddy bear when you get there? Recent research shows that in 64% of all jobs, it doesn't matter in terms of overall output if the work is done by human or a teddy bear. These trips include Cabinet Minister, Chief Executive, Action Movies Script Editor and

Football Referee. So don't just take your teddy bear to work, let it do your job, it's a claim of the pupil, it cannot be held responsible for any vehicular accident, spot surgeries, escape prisoners or other workplace missaps, resulting from you letting your teddy bear to work, let it do your job, disclaimer, the bugle cannot be held responsible for any vehicular accident, spot surgeries, escape prisoners or other workplace missaps, resulting from you letting your teddy bear do your job. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin, this week, fear. Tomorrow, the 12th of October is called, is world face your fears day. And special sex and minors, in fact, are free offer. We will face a fear for you, choose from one of the following five common fears,

career ending asteroid strike, the unstoppable march of time, finding a wasps nest in your underwear drawer, finding a Republican in your underwear drawer, or having to make a speech to the Chinese Politburo, but you've lost your note you don't have any clothes on your dangling from a trapeze whilst in a rickety old 1930s aeroplane surrounded by mice with clown makeup on,

and the microphone is quite literally a snake. We will face down one of those five fears on your behalf to email us with for ABC, D or E in a subject box. And we will leave you to spend the rest of World Face Your Fears Day finding a fresh new thing to be afraid of, maybe buses or duty-dentch films or slightly over-salted bread, or those parts of the year where there is no test cricket, or the fact that maybe you are nothing but a mortal corporeal entity and desperate need perhaps of some kind of spiritual cleansing, that section in the bin. I have a question about that.

You know, you see, if finding a republican in your underwear drawer, I would suggest that there are levels. So Australian republican doesn't like clean that much. American Republican. Interesting. Irish Republican. I think there's three different levels there. I probably should specify that what both the type of Republican and the nature of the underwear involved. Top story this week. There's a tough winter ahead. It's October and that only means one thing, it's heading towards November and then December which as the vast majority of the world recognizes is winter time. Six and a half billion people can't be wrong Tom and whatever you question, it's nothing. This winter looks set to be a bit of a tricky one for the world. Shortages of fuel, food and stuff in general become the trendy must have accessory for any

up to the minute fashion conscious economy. What are you guys most looking forward to in the winter of discontent that seems to be looming around the world? Well, I get to say Andy, from the Australian perspective, it's just lovely to have some great news, you know, some good news story. Coming out of the Northern Hemisphere, singers wear all still stuck in a pandemic lockdown and trapped on this giant prison island down here. It's nice to know that while you guys in the Northern Hemisphere might have high vaccination

rates and freedoms at us, it doesn't sound like you're going to be able to f**king enjoy it anyway. You're not going to be able to attend large live events or enjoy the holidays with loved ones. It'll be too busy, stop piling fish fingers and beating back the marauding gangs that will be going door-to-door, harvesting all of your Christmas pudding ingredients and siphoning gas directly from your own arseholes so you can sell it on the black market. Sucks to be you Andy! It's a very fair point. Neil,'s what what are you especially excited about the moment?

I just quite like the the stockpiling. I think I think part nude was really stepped up to the plate with a new apocalypse range and I mean I think what they've done there is amazing. Chicken Jow Stalingrad is absolutely. Rat me Tika Masala have you tried this? Oh! Oh! The Kung-Po shoe leather is my personal favorite, what I said. I'm enjoying the newfound power that HGV drivers have. I quite like that idea. Like this idea that the UK government is going here. Please come in, we'll give you a few visas. And they know they've never been in more demand.

If I was a HGV driver, I'd be like, Vezer, you get out with your visa. or the passport. I want a gun a golden hovercraft Stem sells from a virgin and a fresh not a dried a fresh supply of hitchhikers these are my demands You know I've been emailing them to the local cathedral door. I like that. I say I really like that And I thought you'd like that reference. Yes, but what was the most important? Well, stem cells from a virgin, that is a Catholic nightmare, that is. That's really... No, that's the foundation of debate, I think.

Good point. What is shrinkflation? Explain shrinkflation to the Eddie. Confuses me. Well, Neil, I think you are the Bugle's shrink-flation correspondent. Yes. Essentially, it's where the price of a product stays the same, but the quantity that you're getting for that price comes down.

Yeah. That's correct. That's pretty much what it is. Energy prices are going up. All the staple prices are going up. So rather than some food company charging you more the charging sim amount and they give you say five cream eggs as one example rather than six and you're meant to not know this

it's happening all over the place, even if you don't know, I bought a Terry's chocolate satsuma the other day by mistake and this sort of stuff is everywhere. 90% of Britons in a recent survey said that they were annoyed at signs of shrink flation. And of course that was 95% last year. So even within the survey this sort of stuff has happened. Right. But actually the average height and weight of the people annoyed has also come down. Yeah. Yeah. it's happening. Everything's getting smaller. A couple of years ago, I went to... I like going to Scotland for my holidays and I went to the Isle of Sky and I went horse riding and the horses were huge and massive and muscular.

And a couple of weeks ago, I went to Shetland. Unbelievably disappointing, I have to say. They were absolutely tiny and I think it's time that we we start protesting this. The rating roughshod of us. The date I mean it is it's tragic. Multi packs of crisps have come down from 24 packets to 22 which is caused writing on the streets bags of peanuts down by 10% in size eggs down from chicken eggs to worm eggs. Fizzy drinks and now 50% more, equating to 8% less liquid. Frozen peas and amosely hollow.

The supermarket chain adequate has just launched its new Just the Packaging Range, which has absolutely not included in whatsoever. I mean, jelly babies are, remember, they were jelly adults. Yeah, I just, um, next year it will be jelly embryos. Getting banned in Texas Texas of course. I was reading the article that this is that resting samples include walkers which cut two bags of crisps from its 24 bag multi packs while the price stayed at £3.50. Smith's frasals and chipsticks now sell in a pack of six bags instead of eight for one pound.

And Andy, I believe frasals and chipsticks was the original name of your dublack with John Oliva. Isn't that right? It was, yeah. Is that right Fresil's? Oh, that is. Oh, for real. Fresil and Chipsticks are also his nicknames for his testicles. Oh, really?

Hmm. Fresil and Chip, Fresil's is a bit more fast than Lucifer rules. He's actually gonna base a buddy cop movie on his own testicles. Chipsticks? I was one day away from retirement! I'm too old for this. Hi, hang lower, come on. Yeah.

To be honest, my testicles are in retirement essentially anyway, so... Too close to them. Obviously, the pioneer of spring inflation was Jesus Christ, who fed the 5,000, but did he fill the 5,000? Questions remain and you know it's much about branding isn't it is it shrinking or is it? No, is it new vel cuisine? You know potato little otis and potato is very hard to tell really there's a way around this as well because all these foods They're gonna get more expensive right so why do we keep buying them?

That kinds of craft and all the rest are gone. Oh listen, you're gonna have to buy our stuff and it's gonna be more expensive. Let's go back to the old ways. Why don't we make them ourselves? I mean, you could buy Pepsi Max or you could get a smoker that you know to cough their tire into an aquarium. I want the pump put bubbles into it. That's, you know, Pepsi Max essentially, you know, you want Capri-Soon or do you want to piss in some tin foil? These are the questions we have to ask ourselves. Is it a wrap? Oh yeah, lo.

These are some white dogs here. I mean, think outside of the box. Yeah. I'm looking at a few other effects. Moral shrink flation happening across British society. Andy, the number of balls in a cricket over will be cut from six down to four. The number of surviving in a cricket over will be cut from six down to four. The number of surviving beetles is expected to be slashed by 50% any day now.

Andy's ultimate shows are expected to come with 45% fewer puns. And in fact, cost pressures are now getting so bad the Met Police has had to slash any criminal investigations into allegedly pedophilic members of the royal family by 100% now. They're down 100%. Which is a save a lot of money. It's gonna save a lot of money. Um, well, Kraft Heinz said, as you say, they said people are gonna have to get used to higher food prices.

It seems to me that they went with that. People haven't used to hire food prices. They're not saying we're gonna have to get used to lower profits. Very much, you know, this is landing on the consumer. Now Kraft Heinz has made between 8 and 10 billion profits a year in the last few years. Now, surely, you know, I think they must be putting some of that away for a rainy day and by a rainy day, I do, of course, mean absolute global shit storm. But you think, you know, do you

think the people who make baked beans have ever considered putting stuff away for a way? I think those people have never for a while. Have they ever come across people in bonkers or not like that? It just seems that they should have done. Apparently there is now a certainty there will be shortages at Christmas in the UK. But I think everything we've got to put a positive Brexit spin on this. We're going back to enjoying British Christmas. There's a British spiritual British festival on the chance of British to spend British time with our British families unencumbered by Presence and filthy foreign food by Turkey, food and potato, which is American nonsense. So, you know, it's not all bad. Yeah, I mean, I think the worries about inflation,

you know, inflation is at 3.2% like something like this and people are getting very worried in the UK about inflation. And if you listen, if you just listen carefully, you can hear the people of Zimbabwe and Venezuela going, Oh God, love you. 3.2%. What are you going to do? 3.2% over a full year. Oh, do you want us to hold a concert for you, do you? Why don't you get a shotgun and some whiskey and go into the study if you can afford it and do the decent thing? Like, it was three years ago.

What was that bit you shotgun on anybody to try and raise a bit of extra money? Well, yeah, that's what I meant, yeah. Can I just say, Neil, that was the best Zimbabwean vet as well in accent that I've ever heard in my company in Korea. You know, I considered both and then thought, I like working. I just like working. I thought maybe I could do Hugo Chavez, but yeah, I'm not doing the gathering. I mean, I'm not doing the gathering. It was, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, ads really meant a lot in Caracas because when you bought a packet of Rollo, the last Rollo was like, we're 47 times more than the first Rollo. So you really had to love

the person a lot to give them the last Rollo. I've never seen the economic subtexts of that whole thing. You see, there's ancillary effects of these things that we don't really think about. BELL RINGS In other British winter shortage news, people have been anxiously waiting for guidance from the government on various things. Energy is actually quasi-quarting.

It seems to be hoping that scientists will find a way of converting evasiveness into electricity. So it's refused to give energy companies a steer on what help the government may give them. And then when pressed on winter clothing in an interview said, my job as an energy minister is not to tell people how many layers of clothing they should wear. That's not really my job. That is the level of our politics. Now, he was asked if he's advising people to wear another woolly jumper or a pair of socks. He said it's up to people. It's amazing how different people's cold thresholds can be. That will

be their next policy. Another woolly jumper, okay, electric, okay, electricity, blackouts. Wear the woolly jumper, you get a government issued balloon. If you could just rope yourself with that and plug yourself into the national grid and put the socks on and run on that carapace run on that carapace I mean it is essentially the government's strategy as they've cut the 20 pounds a week extra universal credit that has helped people through the recent global shumbossles. It's been derized in the last week in technical parlance. And I think they're basically just now advising the poor to develop a higher cold and hunger threshold, which is actually a very efficient form of government. And we're talking about the government's plan to sort of Felmer and Louise, Britain into the next chapter of the COVID of the COVID economic story. But in this version of Felmer and Louise, Britain into the next chapter of the COVID, of the COVID economic story.

But in this version of Felmer and Louise, Louise straps a brick to the accelerator pedal, jumps out of the car and says, Fel, why don't you just see how it goes and report back? I will hold it for here, cheers, hun. LAUGHTER Ian Duncan Smith was against the get rid of the 20-pound credit. Eh.

Like, Ian Duncan Smith, which means he was clearly recently visited by three ghosts, you would imagine. What are the main reasons they're worried about the electricity prices and the gas prices? It's because Europe in particular so dependent on Russia. You cannot make any sort of decent deals when Putin controls the supply of gas. There must have been on Zoom calls with Vladimir Putin gone. Your actions in Crimea were disgrace and the sanctions are going to stay in place. And he's just like, look at your cooker. Oh, look.

It appears the front ring has turned itself off. That's so sad. If that egg was not to boil itself. I was just looking on the Bloomberg website, they were tipping Russian companies as a sound investment at the moment, which I think kind of just summarises everything that is currently wrong. Also, schools have been told to stockpile food to avoid winter shortages because of the supply chain chaos. And I think this is great.

This is good practical lessons for school children. And we've made it too easy for our kids being fed, most of them. I mean, obviously, is the old saying goes, you can feed some of the children all of the time and all of the children some of the time, as long as charities and football are stepping in and help out.

But you can't feed all of the children all of the time unless you give a shit. And that's, you know, but you can't feed all of the children all of the time unless you give a shit. And that's, you know, so you can understand the government, not necessarily stepping into the breach. Listen, it's a good lesson, you know, if schools are short of food over the winter, it teaches them all different types of subject, mathematics. You know, if Barry has stockpile six lunches and Ian has stockpiled nine lunches and there are three weeks left of the winter term on what day and at what time will Barry and Ian be having a fight to the death in the school playground

over the last available sausage roll. And for an extra two marks, how many children will have to be dangerously hungry before a government minister takes some responsibility for the situation, which of course is a trick math question because if you multiply anything by zero, it stays at zero. Matt Sattire, wow. That's what we're here for. It's a genius maneuver to outmaneuver Marcus Rashford, isn't it? And all the pressure he puts on them to give out free school meals, you know? Not having food. Oh, you're a move, Marcus. What are you going to make us do now? There's nothing here. To invite that. That's so for those of you unfamiliar Marcus Rashford is the lead with the opposition.

Get your hands on it. I'm more rash because I'm a shoulder injury. Why wife pointed out to be about the HDV visas thing. You know, so the government said, listen, we're going to have emergency visas. And only 27 people applied from the EU to get HV visas. How many countries are in the EU? Well, I mean slightly fewer than they used to be.

Yeah, there's 27. Right, right. It does sound like the EU deliberately sent one person each to absolutely take the piece of a bar of shelter's government, like the Eurovision. Right. Well, you say that, but maybe they are all sending us the absolute best lorry driver, because they know what an amazing note. They can only send Britain the absolute cream of the cream. Yeah, Mip, yeah. I mean, if the Eurovision is saying to judge, wait, that's definitely the answer to the question.

I think just, you just see in this, it's just now being slashed to 25 visas for the Laurie drivers to duty-trainflation. So, it's already been the same time. Can you confirm that 10-4? It's 23 now. Orcas Update News. Now a few weeks ago we reported exclusively for the world on the Orcas deal between Australia, the UK and the USA involving some nuclear-powered submarines. Tom is an Australian

who's a massive fan of nuclear warfare from memory. I'm sure I have a financial on that one. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. It's a special one, that one. I'm just bringing it up to date with the latest, the latest fall out from this one of the extraordinary deal with this, uh, pissed off the French significantly. Yeah, it's still fucked. And either as you're updated, it's always good to check it. Um, even as ordinary British people are punching each other in the face of petrol stations,

paying 45 quid for half a gram of peanut brittle, and Australians are still diseased and held in solitary confinement under a police state administered by a corrupt political class. All of us, grading under crippling intergenerational public debt, don't worry everyone, we still have the resources to build multi-billion dollar nuclear debt tubes that won't be delivered for another 40 years and will most certainly begin World War III. It's still on track Andy. Well that's very short're ensuring. That is reassuring. This time of uncertainty. We can still rely on that. I'm thinking that we can hang on to. Yes. Orcas, as you mentioned, it's Australia, it's the UK, it's the US, it's sort of they put the names together.

It's kind of the geopolitical brand gelina. That's how I like to think of it. It's kind of a diplomatic three way, but like all three ways, it's sticky, it stinks, and someone's gonna get hurt. I enjoyed that more than you did. Show, Tom. You were splendid. I admire it, in fact, that you didn't mention Seaman anywhere there. I respect your respect.

No, thank you, Neil. Thank you, Neil. Always. Never go to class, hat on the bugle. We love it, though. I don't know if you mentioned it on the show, but when it was announced in Australia, our Prime Minister, Slash Marketing Exercise, MadeFlesh, Scott Morrison, described the Alliance with the UK and the US as a forever partnership, which I would argue seemed a little bit clingy to me, and maybe skon just play a little bit cool keep your options open nothing in politics is forever except for the presidency of Xi Jinping and he's gonna be calling

the shots until death he's 68 Joe Biden's gonna be lucky to get through this winter so let's not be picking our teams just yet okay Scott let's just see how it plays out a little bit yeah it's forever partnership is something that he carves into a tree. That's what that is Bison and Scott forever Oh, yeah, and also forever also bear bear in mind this forever partnership is between the UK and two former Members of the UK who decided that they didn't want to be forever in that partnership So this is very much a second goal at a marriage that's not entirely worked the first time around.

The word is that France is, well, no longer trusts the UK, which isn't a problem for us in the UK because we've got some of the world's most trusting and trustworthy despots on side instead of European partners. And it's much easier to build long term relationships with them because as you said Tom, they don get an only vote in out of office so often but there's now concern of exactly how these subs are going to be powered there's pressure on the orcas partners to scrap plans to use weapons grade uranium on submarines and I think that stems from a lack of faith in the sentence weapons weapons grade uranium what the fuck could possibly go wrong with that? If Australia gets weapons grade uranium, everyone is going to want weapons grade uranium, so that must

make you proud to be such a trendsetter. Everyone wants to copy the crowd as a alien model. Everyone wants to be cool like Australia, it's a dance as old as time. I think we could all agree. But it's not going well. We're pissing people off left, right, and center. Okay. Here's one report. The French Institute for International Relations, think tank, criticized the escalating danger of the war, including nuclear war, as you mentioned there. And you provoked by the Orchist Treaty targeting China. The Institute warned that the Sinai of Orchist made trigger a nuclear arms race and that the move dangerously exacerbates tensions in East Asia. It listed Indonesia, Malaysia and Singapore as well as Thailand, Laos and Cambodia as

regional powers angered by the August deal. So that's just France, China, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, Laos and Cambodia that we've managed to piss off simultaneously. But hey, in our defense, we have Nicholas Amarens, so go fuck yourself, how about that? Or at least we're going to, probably they're not gonna arrive until 2040 at the earliest, which I just love that like all the West is saying

that China's an immediate threat that we need to do something about now, and we're gonna act on that, and we will get that, the weapons that we're talking about in like, in 19 years. You said don't fuck with Australia people, if you mess with us, expect some mild payback in a generation's time. You're not going to suffer, but your children's children's children.

All I really got to feel is you think you'll be out of quarantine by then. Are you think that so brings me? I think they know how this whole thing happened. I think Australia went, we want to take a stand against our own largest trading partner China, even if it antagonizes them. And UK went, wow, we have a load of experience over the last five years. Here's the manual, guys. You're the best. You're the best. It is great. It's like, even if we get the submarines, when it comes to military capability between Australia and China, it's not looking good. This will bring our total number of submarines to about 18.

China has 79. Australia has 59 tanks. China has 3,205. We have 80,000 people in our military and China has 3.3 million, okay? It's like David and Goliath, except Goliath has 3,200 tanks and also Goliath is our biggest trading partner. Like we need him to make the slingshot to send us to take him off.

Maybe that's one. What the original David Goliath story was, you want to trade in stones? Yeah, I have one. Look how efficiently we are beginning. I'll see your tiny navy and raise you the Irish navy. We have in total eight boats, eight. And not even Joker, one of them is a Lilo. That's unconferent. We have eight boats for 2,000 miles of coastline. How unlucky a drug smuggler would you have to be? To be caught by a boat that has to cover 250 miles of coslite.

People feature section now, birds, and it's been a terrific few hundred million years for birds to establish themselves amongst the top creatures in the air. And Tom, as are Australian competitive birds judging competitions correspondent. You could have worn enthusiasts, yes. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's been very exciting week. The bird of the year has been announced in Australia. Huge, this is the Nobel Prize for birds. All right, Andy, it's very big deal.

The Guardian Australia for some reason runs an Australian bird of the year poll every single year. It changes every year, apparently Australia is very fickle. And I believe there was a campaign to get the Ibus up there a few years ago, okay, bin chicken. But for 2021, the poll has been taken out by the superb ferry ran.

Or should I say, fucking stolen in an absolutely controversial move by this little slut of a bird. Okay. As a bird fairy ran apparently looks beautiful, has a wonderful song that you can listen to and enjoy and lots of people while in lockdown have been enjoying seeing the little fairy ran around their backyard. But apparently they're quite scandalous. The male and female mate for life and it's all wonderful. That was the previous belief about the super-fairy-ren. But then scientists found out through genetic research that an individual fairy-ren's nest

could be made up of eggs from multiple different fathers. Turns out the females just before dawn sneak off for what's called a pre-dawn foray and have a little sexy rendezvous with the neighboring male fairy-ren. Slutbirds, Andy. Dirty slutbirds have topped the Australian bird charts. I for one voted for the Tasmanian bespeckled cock cobbler, and it's not a pretty bird. Sure, it can't sing, and when it lays an egg it instantly dies, but at least it's not a glossy show off spreading its minge all over town.

Alright. But, I mean, why do you think it's, you know, so difficult, Tom, for the, these birds to, you know, retain their title because is it just that, you know, they get to the top and they think, I've done it now and they get a bit big-headed and they get distracted by all the media commitments. And I don't focus on the, you know, the core business of, you know, being a bird. Yeah. No, it's, you know, top the pole. You're in every paper.

You're in birdbass filled with cocaine. The fame gets to you, a little bird brain. And obviously if it's a bird fairy ran, then it's orgies all night and day, having a million different baby chicks by a million different fathers, destroying the moral fabric of Australian society. And no, I mean, this little bitch won't return

to the top of the pole next year, no chance. You're genuinely... Sorry, I don't know why this is my angle. They're a delightful little bird and my mom really loves birds And I feel like I've adopted a A mask for this segment that's eating my face The promise cutie of this bird is is a mask for something else. I think you're angry It's something else and we need to delve into it in a longer session Very lonely. It's been a long lockdown, okay. And I'm jealous of this little third and the amount of cock that is getting. But a third is it goes out searching for the cock. But you listen, if you did the same thing, if you got up, pre-done,

I went for a cock for it, I mean, and then you didn't get us, then you could be angry. But you don't put the work in, do you? That's very true. I'm a fairy, but I guess not to run. That's a good par-fairy, red. So par-fairy is a great ragdome, too. Do is it just goes That's a bad too bad a pod even for the bugle of afraid. Wow. Yeah, we found a level. Okay, they get so big You know, you know, they just become social media influencers and not necessarily Instagram birds are more

Don't do it. Don't do it. No, I had to do it. I had to do it I knew you'd hate it, but I knew he'd like it. So I had to do it. I was caught between the two of you like a rampant No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and based it. In other bird news, moving probably not swiftly enough on, scientists discovered that birds have a mysterious, quote, quantum sense. Now, obviously, quantum is one of those words that no one fucking understands, at least quantum physicists. Least of all the Jim's bun producers, leading quantum physicists, Professor Rev. Lita Snarjeet said, no, I've absolutely no fucking idea what it is and I'm a professor. It's just nonsense, isn't it?

I mean, if you're a scientist and you wanna get something published, you just put the word quantum in it and that ain't gonna be a fucking lie. So just scratch it. Yeah. All the things gone on in the world, I really didn't think you two lads would be not for six.

Many run birds, that guy shortages, and children starving in schools. Birds knowing how to get home and the sexual portivities of a superb very rare. I suppose it's the straw that broke the camel's back, is it? Yeah, it's pretty tough for you a tough few millennia. In other bird news, apparently smarter birds, such as parrots, monk parrakeets and cockatooes, can suffer psychological welfare issues if they're not provided with enough mental stimulation, less smart birds, such as chickens and turkeys, have other psychological welfare issues, like the prospect of being industrially farmed, have other psychological welfare issues like the prospect of being industrially farmed and the looming prospect of thanksgiving and Christmas.

But for the clever birds, without cognitive stimulation apparently, they produce repetitive abnormal activity such as biting the bars on their cages and chewing or pulling out their own feathers. Well, turn it up, Freddy Featherface. We've all had a tough lockdown. You'd have to say***ing live with it. You'd have to say, given the turkey shortage to this Christmas, being a self-plucking parrot

is a very dangerous thing. If you were about to look at your children and go, I'm so sorry, but you know, we're not going to have a turkey this year. And you look over the shoulder, and there's a five-pound parrot essentially preparing itself for the oven. You're like nevermind. Like I can't think of a more dangerous thing for them to do unless budgery guards when they're stressed just shove cramory and stuffing up their own houses. I think more dangerous for them.

I'm sure you mean that the superb fairy red. Oh, you've got to have a sick shit. That little slut birdies into. Fair that much. While pirates apparently use three quarters of their time foraging for foods, and that's quite great stimulation. So, at least that boards well for the UK school children who will spend most of their time in the forest

looking for supplies. You'll be starving, but they will be very stimulated, Andy. So you know, there's a pool of sights and good things. That is good. And domestic parrots like contrast spend less than an hour a day, usually perusing menus on delivery or Uber eats before just got to seeds again. Yeah. Don't eat a parrot by the way, I was sure.

If there's a message from the show, they will probably repeat on you. I don't care whether you like that one. That's amazing. That was excellent. I did like it. Football news now and Newcastle United is now officially part of Saudi Arabia. It is joined the oil rich gulf despotic monarchy after a takeover from clothing tycoon Mike Ashley. The fiance of the murdered journalist Jamal Kashoggi has said she's shocked and sad that the the Saudi-led consortium has been allowed to take over the Premier League football club. But I mean, this is not show redemption that Saudi Arabia has realized that as in terms of, it's profile as a. Killing dissenting journalists is not that popular, but football is. I mean, it isn't just showing them learning as a country.

I think we have to make it absolutely clear legally, Andy, that the Saudi state Batman is completely different than the public investment fund Bruce Winn, right? Saudi Arabia, Clarke, is not the same as the P.A.F. Superman. I cannot say this enough. The re-ad authorities, Peter Parker, are not the same as the wealth ones, okay? This is very important. Of course, it's a perfect platform that, thank you for covering all the legal backs.

Yeah. It could be a lot worse, you know, in Australia, the South Sydney rabbit is the rugby team are owned by Russell Crowe, who may not have committed as many human rights violations as the state of Saudi Arabia, but he did do the mummy with Tom Cruise. So, you know, you got to weigh these things up. Russell Crowe has to be stimulated with other ways he pluck his own feathers though. That's very true. I have read that. I have heard that actually. Not a lot of people know that. I think one's fucked us up very very well. The only reason this was allowed to go through is because the Premier League apparently received

legal assurances that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will not be involved. But to keep an eye on that, don't we? Like if the chance starts changing, say I'm all Yemen, all we're cheating, well then, you're not going home from a certain embassy, you are going to know that maybe they're involved. Yes, but I mean, it's interesting that other Premier League clubs have demanded

an emergency meeting on this. And it's incredible where football suddenly finds its moral rubicon. Basically, football clubs have been taken over by an assortment of absolute shifters and despotic petro-states. But finally, it's found that the one wafer, the ethical wafer thin mint that it cannot stomach at the end of the meal. It's almost like the 19 other Premier League clubs are annoyed that Newcastle is going to have loads of money to spend on players and slapping people for prizes. It's almost like that, but it couldn't be that, Andy. I don't think that. The biggest sovereign wealth fund is Norway.

So why don't other clubs go after, no, everybody likes Norwegian, why don't you go after Norwegians? I bet that like some Naruto will go for the Oslo dollar now. I reckon. I reckon if next year, like Deelia Smith's cookbook just has 50 recipes for herring. We know what she's aiming for. Well, you can see what you'd see what I knew a new car told him when I take the North, the Norwegian

the dirty crown after what the Vikings did in the North East of England all those years ago. First, first ever recorded raid was an Linda's foreign monastery, just not the Newcastle in 793, Eddie. And the monks were there and the Vikings came in and the monks were like, oh no, a load of Vikings. And it all went downhill from there. Yeah.

So, well, the first of many defeats for Newcastle in Europe, you know, in competition. I don't have a second leg when in that. Oh, I don't have a monk. Two well-awaited from home, generally. I was wondered why they were called the magpies given that they actually haven't seen anything shiny since like 1969 It is some extremely nice football jokes now. That's seem to be like Decalionic. I'll see your cricket and I'll read something new to the show a fair as cop reference

How do you like that We've had some obscure sporting references, but I don't think the fairs cup has ever come up, Neil. That's what I'm bringing. Well done. Well done. That concludes this week's bugle. No rumble or section.

What? We've got, we're doing a special Zenith data Systems Cup hour show next week. Neil, thanks very much for coming. It's been delightful to have you have you. What do you have any other podcasts or live shows you'd like to tell our listeners about? I am doing the SSI Arena in Belfast in February. So if you could all come to that, that would be amazing.

Have a good. Tom, anything you'd like to alert our listeners to, you should read a book, Tom. Tom, anything you'd like to alert our listeners to, you should read a book, Tom. Yes, keep it out of my book. It'll be coming out the same time we get those subs, I think, around 2040. That'll be good.

My book has this called Lack of a Six-Year-Old. People can listen to that if they so wish. And if you're in Melbourne, I've got two shows at the Chapel, Off Chapel Theatre, which you're going to be filmed, hopefully, if we can make it happen and lock down it over, but you can go to my website to find out the details. We have a live bugle show coming up in London,

the Odian in Leicester Square on the 13th of November as part of the Poddicon Festival. It will be probably the show is a bit of this and any other millennium details. Online, we will now play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join the Buel voluntary subscription scheme, and to make a one off or recurring donation to keep the show free, flourishing and independent, go to www.buelpodcast.com and click the donate. David Reinetson was intrigued by the leak of 12 million documents in the so-called Pandora papers.

However, like any right-thinking person, he could not be bothered to read all 12 million of them. It would have taken me at an estimated one minute per leak, says David, doing an eight-hour working day with time off for holidays, 100 years to do the lot, and seriously, I just don't have time for that. So I decided just to make up a few of my own leaks to save time and be disgusted by them instead. For example, did you know that former World Number 78 tennis player, Paulston, gravel-nicked of Germany, owns a freezer containing enough hot dogs, mustard and buns to last his hometown

of Floppenberg up to three months after a global apocalypse? Honestly, concludes David, these people. Jim Burton would overheard David outlining his make-up your own leaks philosophy and was very much taken by it. We all know the basic thrust of these documents says Jim that the rich and powerful are broadly speaking, shipwags, so I bother with tedious tax evasion gossip when you can just make up stuff that might as well be one of the 12 million actual leaks instead. I mean who's going to know?

For example, ex-Lichton Stinney Administa for fishing, Florian Herg sold the inside 70% of an out to the Saudi Arabian royal family, and when they voted in a meeting to relocate the mountain to their home country, Herg started a secret personal mine and would send a bucket of mountain innards to Saudi Arabia every week. See, it's just as reprehensible, but far more entertaining concludes Jim. Catherine Clark is absolutely all over this by now. Listen up, I've heard that the CEO of the Greek Finance House Creser Bank, Stalactetus Trucler D2, invested 1.3 trillion crypto dramas of investors' money in a project to crossbreed a horse with an eagle with a kangaroo

to create the ultimate form of green transport," says Catherine, before adding, "...but for me, the big unreported news must be that Louis XIV's France is still alive. He's domiciled in Panama, and he hasn't paid a single penny of tax anywhere since 1716, the year after he allegedly died." Lear Trueblood has come to the conclusion that these leaks are of no interest to anyone in their current indigestible form. They need to be presented more entertainingly for people to take an interest, like a game

of match the Shuster to the Shuster's activity. I'll give you these three to start with. A. X-Primonister David Cameron B. actor John Voit and C. Cheating cyclist Lance Armstrong match them up with A, stole the back half of a pantomime horse costume from a theatre just to spoil a Christmas treat for hundreds of children, B, invested £10m in a company that was developing a racist toaster, and C, hides all his money in an endangered hippopotamus under the cover of running a hippoconservation charity.

I'm telling you, if you present things like the Pandora Bapers like a game show, you'll have the full, undivided attention of the entire world. Nick Ol' yeah, by contrast, has not even heard of the Pandora Papers, but has been doing her own research into what the Hyper-Welty get up to. I've surveyed an excess of 15 people, says Nick Ol', and extrapolating my findings, it does seem that if public opinion is to be trusted. 99.94% of the world's tropical islands are now owned by billionaires, who spend 57.78% of their time cackling at their Machiavellian schemes to take over the world, although

in actual fact, only 16.43% of those billionaires do actually intend to take over the world, for which, says Nicole, I think we should be extremely thankful. Here end if this week's lies goodbye. extremely thankful. Here end if this week's lies goodbye.