The Bugle - G20: Homeopathic Diplomacy

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

What's the point in the G20? Why is 'Bharat' controversial? Why did Brit's care about the latest convict escape? And who needs brittle concrete? Andy answers all these questions (and more) with Tom Ballard and Nish Kumar.PLUS: Become the owner of an exclusive episode of The Bugle, on 12 inch vinyl! Become a premium member NOW! https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateThis episode was presented and written by:Andy ZaltzmanNish KumarTom BallardAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't forget that if you join the Bugle Voluntary Subscription Scheme as a premium level volunteer subscriber, we will be issuing a vinyl episode of the Bugle. What? I didn't know this! That's because you didn't listen to lost with your friends. What a revelation. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers, and welcome to issue 4,273 of the world's first Anishon Silly Hope

last audio newspaper for a visual world. We are now deep into season 6. I think approximately 0.4 of an episode into season six. I think approximately point four of an episode into season six way longer than the disappointing season five. I'm Andy Zoltzmann, the Michelangelo of surfing. In the like Michelangelo I've never been surfing and I'd rather paint some stuff on a wall than go surfing. Unfortunately I've more say the Michelangelo of painting stuff on walls in the like Michelangelo. I haven't done anything even half decent for at least 48 years.

It's the 11th of September 2023. And this week, we are back where it all began. Sorry, not where it all began, where we occasionally used to record. When we couldn't get a studio anywhere else in the pre-pandemic, pandemonium years. The studio in Cocholine, home of the famous Cochlan Ghost, named Scratching Fanatars, so long-term people, listeners may remember, where the Great Fire of London apparently stopped, and where we lost recorded in January 2020. And we had a science section that was, well, I think we can say, complacent and prescient at the same time. We spoke, we had news of a virus outbreak early in 2020, spoiler alert,

because you've not been following the news since then, that everyone we said was getting too worried about, and we also had a report from scientists saying that hibernation was possible, surely before the world hibernated. So anyway, let's, we've got to be careful what we discuss in this episode. That's what I'm saying. This place has strangeness in its bones. Joining me this week, welcome back to Nishikumu and Tom Ballard, all in the studio together as God intended.

Hurray! Back in Cochlane. Yes. Next week in Vajali. Sorry about this rash here. I've got my, Andy, I'm sure it's nothing, but I just, just been getting on my nose a little bit. I just don't want to do all that.

But, shall we find? Good to see you, Andrew. How are you? I'm, I'm pretty well. I think, I think we did the news quiz together early in 2020, when we come back. Yes, we definitely did. We were hosting it.

Yes, we definitely did a bit of coverage of an unspecified virus. And then I guess a couple of months later, this trio assembled to record one of the very early socially distanced vehicle episodes. And yet we didn't do anything. You know, I sat out and changed anything or help at all in any way. Say, like, it's just carried on abated. I mean, I think it's absolutely wiped out all viruses

from other worlds. Oh, that's good. I've not heard about that. Well, given that I did have COVID three weeks ago. So embarrassing to have COVID in the summer of 2023. So having bubonic plague. Lame. Get up with it, Grandpa. It's all that monkeypox now.

Can I see it on the... Floss in a video? I'd slightly knowledge it on abugle t-shirt. Yes, I've worked on for that. Thank you, but it was the last collied t-shirt that I had at the moment, so the cycle worked out well. Well, and I'd also like to say that I will be bugling with a bugle branded butt plug out my ass. I thought it was a carcline special.

Right. I'd ram it right up there and see how it affects the content of my satire. Well, thanks for being one of our premium level volunteers. I think I've started to remember why I usually don't get you to the other one. I think we might have to call an end of season six at this rate. Here's what happened. I've had two coffees in quite quick succession. Oh, that's all there for the reply.

Yeah. Everish, overestimulating. Well, we're all very excited to be here in Cochalaine, obviously. I now remember the risks of recording in the studio. Well, we're recording on the 11th of September 2023. So for this week's anniversary, tomorrow is the 12th of September. And then it's the 12th of September. Wow, Andy. Does the phrase never forget me?

Nothing to you. On the 12th of September. Well, but at that time, people listen to it. It will be the 12th of September. Oh, yeah, that's right. So it seems more appropriate. And this is the conventionally accepted date, according to Wikipedia, for the Battle of Marathon

in 490 BC, when the Greek saw off the first Persian invasion force, the battle famously gave rise to an athletics event. I forget which one. A triple jump. And the Greek commander, Militide, he's escaped from his Persian enemies by jumping over a river. He hopped onto a small rock, skipped onto the back of a turtle,

and then jumped to safety on the fast side. At marathon also, famous would be the first major battle ever fought to raise money for charity with a significant number of participating warriors in fancy dress. LAUGHTER Persons complaints that the Greeks only won because they were wearing high-tech

new shoes that made them faster were overruled by the adjudicators, so it's stuck at a Greek win. On the 12th of September 1940, cave paintings were discovered in Lascaux, in France, known as the Les Gilles cave paintings, or in Spain, the Vamos cave paintings. Oh, they come on. Cave paintings, as they don't in Australia, 15,000 BC they've been dated to. It's amazing how much prehistoric art was painted in years at the beginnings of Millennium's BC. Because it's always like 35,000 BC, 27,000 BC, 15,000 BC.

I guess they're probably just commissioned it to commemorate Millennium's, just like we do with domes these days. Everything just gets rounded up Andy. Yeah. Like, eventually the past just all gets rounded up to the, we're basically recording this in 1900. On the walls, in the case, any guesses, what was on the walls? Fucking bison, of course it's fucking bison. Always with the bison. Come on, add one drawing of a car. He tell it to me prehistoric people didn't ever sense a humor.

On this day in 19, what, on tomorrow's day in 1962, 12th of September, John F. Kennedy delivered his famous, we choose to go to the moon speech. We said we choose to go to the moon, not because it is easy, but because we can't let the f***ing commies get that. Sadly, the moon turned out to be a lot further away than Kennedy or anyone else who thought at the time estimates in 1962 suggested the moon was only 120 metres across and a mere

two miles off the ground. They planted it within a week using a trampoline and a simple rocket propelled backpack or by getting an astronaut to straddle a giant firework whilst wearing flying goggles. Their NASA then acknowledged the folly of hiring Warner Bros. animation director Chuck Jones, creator of the Wiley Coyote franchise character as head of lunar missions. Now the Soviets, meanwhile, focus on the theory that suppressing poetry and starving your own people to death in their millions would accelerate space travel by incentivising cosmonauts to get the f*** out of the as quickly as possible. Kennedy sadly himself was destined never to go to the moon

as his career peed it out rapidly the following years, assassinated by... I've got it, it's that public domain yet. He has gone down in my estimation. X1 Snookerplay, but that is unacceptable for Hager. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a home worsening section, a home improvement was all the rage a few years ago, and I've become very passé, as more and more people, look to make their homes worse. Everything comes and goes in cycles. Various reasons. Not wanting to be surrounded by the trappings of privilege.

The cruel batterings of modern economics, amongst the reasons people make their homes worse. So we look at the latest home worsening accoutrements you can get, the one-legged sofa, for example, the best trip has us to make you clock up a minimum of five toast-dubbings per week. We advise you how to maximize the moldiness of your cup. It's lighting, some lighting tips. You can now get interrogation lights from former Black Ops CIA sites on the internet and they can make you feel really uncomfortable in your own kitchen. So, might want to consider that. And in terms of painting, we suggest painting everything mildly depressive grey using the leftovers from your recent home improvement drive.

That section is in the bin. Top story this week, the G20 have met and they have, well, you're never going to guess this, they've issued a statement. It's hard to overstate quite how exciting a moment this is in the world. The issuing of a statement by leaders of the world's leading economic powers. We preview the G20 on last week's show here to review all the action from India, if we can still call it that, my two G20 expert correspondence, Nish and Tom. What would the highlights be for you? Because I mean, in terms of the statement, and it came to Ukraine, they've called on states to refrain from the threat or use of force to seek territorial acquisition.

And you can imagine Moscow literally shitting itself in its boots at those words. Listen, a lot of the naysayers will come together and say the G20 is nothing but a glorified photo opportunity. And it's actually a waste of time for a lot of people who should have much more significant things on their plate. And to those people I would say this, yeah, absolutely right, it's a complete waste of everyone's fucking time, everyone's fucking money, it's a complete and utter shit show. Yeah, they came together under a slogan of one earth one family one future and I would say given Hitler slogan I

Would wear possible avoid a slogan that involves repeated use of the word one It was yeah, and in terms of one color Yeah, I I don't think that was an ideal slogan choice yet the Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that was an ideal slogan choice. Yeah. In terms of Ukraine, yeah, there was a statement that was actually a watered down version of last year's even more watered down. Like, it's getting worse and worse.

It's a homeopathic approach to diplomacy. There's the memory of diplomacy somewhere in the comment, but it actually has no medical impact whatsoever. In terms of our climate change, they said the statement released that said the G20 countries will pursue and encourage efforts to triple renewable energy capacity globally through existing targets and policies. No new targets, no new policies announced.

Bear in mind the G20 nations account for, depending on which estimate you read, either 75 or 80% of greenhouse gas emissions. You thought there might be more stronger statement. And this is ahead of the upcoming global climate change summit, which is happening in, can you guess where? Oh yeah, that's right, the United Arab Emirates, which is basically like a vegan conference happening in a f***ing McDonald's.

And you know, is it a surprise that they were able to achieve nothing? It's a group of world leaders that means that there are going to be some spicy customers present, okay? Probably chief amongst them. A Vladimir Putin was not present, Russia was not present, and China also didn't send delegation. She was not present. However, the man who was present was Muhammad bin Salman of Saudi Arabia, the man who puts the Muhammad bin Salman into the phrase, US intelligence believes Muhammad bin Salman

authorize the assassination of Washington Post journalist, Jim Marcos O.G. You say it's just a photo opportunity, but they didn't even fucking do the photo. The family photo did not go ahead, the G20 family photo, no reason was officially given, reports say many ladies refused to be photographed pointing to Russia's presence at the summit.

And I was furious, the G20 family photo has been my number one masturbation material for years. I look forward to it like Christmas, those dignitary smiley awkwardly and looking deeply uncomfortable in local traditional dress used to make the absolutely rock hard and I've been able to have a new G20 G's tuggy for two years. That's, thanks a lot, Putin. Andy, let's say you got to think. I'm saying a lot on the inside. Yeah, I mean, Ukraine fought understatement with understatement. It took part in last year's summit, but it was NFI this year. And it responded to this statement that, calling on states

to refrain from the threat of use of force, said the statement was nothing to be proud of, which is a rather polite way of saying, an absolute fucking disgrace, a trail of all humanity. Exciting though, there is a new permanent member of the G20. The African Union, I don't know, I'm gonna have to do new merch, G21, no, or someone gonna get relegated. Listen, as a nation, Britain has been trying, we've been trying to be relegated out of the T-Totally. We're doing our level best. That's going to be Australia, isn't it? No.

One of the other big stories to emerge from the conference was the use of, well, a different name for India on some of the official pronunciations Barat, apologies if I've pronounced that. I tell me, how would you go with that? Barat, but again, as I'm constantly reminded by my Indian family, I am, quote, not a real Indian. And as I'm constantly reminded by the British press, I'm not a real British person. I sort of exist in a liminal space

between nationalities. What, so some are hovering over the Turkish airspace. So much. I'm Schrodinger's dude. I suggest Schrodinger kept a hot dude in a box. There are no heroes, any. I think Schrodingiger was a total I'm pretty sure Shrediger is a fucking cat. I think we can credibly call them question mark service. So explain this. It is an official name of India, but it still splits opinion in India.

How it should be used and when it should be used. Barrett is the Sanskrit term for the nation of India, but it's a bit more complicated than that, because it sort of refers to a larger territory than the modern nation of India that extends actually down towards Indonesia as well. There's been a kind of, over the last sort of 20 years, there's been a kind of movement to move away from either mogul or British colonial names for places in India,

Bombay became Mumbai, Bangalore became Bangalore, and so this feels like a sort of logical extension of that potentially, but it's very difficult to not see this as kind of a problem that has gripped the BJP, which is a kind of obsession with nationalistic symbols instead of in lieu of actually doing things that might help people. And here's the thing about Narendra Modi, say what you will about him and you will be in jail. I would describe his relationship with certain communities and I'd describe him as being Muslim sceptic. I think that's the best way to characterize him as Muslim sceptic. I think that's the best way to characterise Muslim sceptic. He's got a sort of, he's yet to fall down one way or the other on the whole Muslim question. And what's the question? Yeah, it's, there's a real, he's not a good guy and he's kind of,

this is sort of seen, it feels like this is another kind of publicity and he's kind of this this is sort of seen it feels like this is another kind of publicity stunt designed to kind of drum up a nationalistic further and there was something interesting this week where he had all the world leaders walk without shoes and socks interview to Mahatma Gandhi and the reason that is interesting is because Narendra wrote himself was pretty keen to invoke the memory of Mahatma Gandhi. However, a lot of his supporters are pretty hostile towards Gandhi. The roots of the BJP has a kind of roots in an organisation called the RSS, which is a kind of Hindu nationalist paramilitary organisation that has traditionally

been pretty hostile to Gandhi, especially one man, Natharam Godsay, who was so hostile that he assassinated Mahatma Gandhi. And I would say that is too hostile. I would say if you're assassinating somebody, you've gone too far. What happened to a strongly worded letter, Godsay? LAUGHTER Did British rule leave no legacy behind?

LAUGHTER If you really had a problem with Gandhi, you should have learned from the British and taken him over using a string of complex board lighting comprehensive or trade agreements. Civilisation. I was interested in this. Some people obviously are not on board with the whole idea of officially changing the country to Barat. This is Sashi Theroh, a lawmaker for the Indian National Congress Party.

While there is no constitutional objection to calling India barad, which is one of the country's two official names, I hope the government will not be so foolish as to completely dispense with India, which has incalculable brand value built up over centuries. So I think she's done a lot of market research out there, a lot of focus testing found that consumers strongly associate the name India with the country that heaves of people call India. Calling India is extremely on brand for India. Shashi Thoro is a man. He's very much a man. I apologize. Why did I think that? He's written books about cricket, I think.

He was also like undersecretary to the U.N. We all judge people by different parameters, terms of the importance of their work. But I was going to ask Tom to pick that line up, but I think we'll keep it. Yes, excellent. He was under Secretary General of the United States. You have to say, I think he wrote some books about cricket. LAUGHTER Yeah, Christ alive. I will say this for you, Patrick. You've got a world for you.

Andy is ultimately inflexible. A number of world leaders were criticized for giving Modi quotes a free pass at the summit, despite his persecution of Muslims and other minorities in India. But that is one of the problems with the G20, because most of those countries do not have even the flimsiest of legs to stand on. And if countries start boycotting other countries, because of morally objectionable behavior, it would not be a G20, it would be a G0. She might benefit humanity a bit more. What I would say Andy is with your idea of a G0, would that achieve any less than a G20? If they had just

hired a haul and left it empty for the exact amount of time of the G20 summit. Would we be in any sort of different position than we are now? Yes, exactly the same amount of climate action in the condemnation of the Russian federation. That's true. It would cost a lot less, but for say we're going to have a lot of cool actually. Britain going to shit update now and as if things weren't already going bad enough in reality. Liz Truss is bringing a book out. Tom, I know you're hugely excited about this as a fan of all the tree works. It's entitled 10 years to save the West, the subtitle, pretty much being after my six weeks in charge.

I mean, what's, what are you most looking forward to from this promises to be one of the landmark literary productions of this and any other millennium? It's going to be huge. 10 years to save the West. Yeah, it's fell up to a previous work, 44 days to f*** the country. So she's done that. So surely she knows the reverse way to do that. And I think step one, I've had a preview of the book. I think step one of saving the West is make sure this trust doesn't become prime minister again. Step two is is she PM again? No good keep doing that. Let's press on. So I think it's going to be amazing. Peppard with newsworthy anecdotes from a time in public life, such as a memorable last meeting with Queen Elizabeth,

the second- last meeting. Her challenges to Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping as far as Secretary Herring counters with the Trevor administration as Trade Minister and a dismay at the political class attempts to betray Brexit. This book will be a timely warning about the perils facing conservatism in the years ahead. So thank God, the Conservatives are going to be eating this warning from someone who knows how to f**king solve the problem. I'm excited about this book. From the publishers that brought you the Joseph Fritzel guy to pair him. LAUGHTER

Comes how to save the West from a woman who, to be fair, murdered the pound and the queen. LAUGHTER Allegedly. Yeah, we don't know about the pound. All I was... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

It's... Yeah, she was promoting it in the Daily Mail, which for international listeners is basically Dashderma for the men called Nigelie live in the home counties and like Formula One. And she promoted it. The title of the book, the premise of the book and her promotion of the book seemed hell-bent on indulging the most cranky of crankish conspiracy theories from the hard right on the internet. She said, I really fear for the future of the West. We have seen very slow growth for several decades and our culture has been questioned, even basic things like human biology. At the same time, the same thing has happened across the

West of the world. At one G7 meeting, I thought, actually, I'm the only conservative in the room here. You've got Biden at the US Trudeau in Canada, a macro in France. It really is like, she really is indulging, like there is a genuinely dangerous side to this. She's indulging some of the most unpleasant conspiracy theories about like great replacement theory and about how the West is under threat.

But the important thing to remember is she is f***ing shit. And she can ruin absolutely everything. So there is a chance that Liz Truss could be the solution. She's actually said of the upcoming US election that what we really need is a Republican back in the White House. Biden should be printing that on posters right now. A woman who was Prime Minister for less time than the lifespan of a letter. He's now openly

endorsing Donald Trump. And I think she does know how to build a political career. It's just not a good one. Liz Truss' recipe for a political career is take Margaret Blaster's Wikipedia page and add in a metric ton of crystal meth. And bang, you've got yourself a political philosophy. I was intrigued by this bit of the blurb, said that Truss will warn that too many of her fellow conservatives

have allowed themselves to be captured by the left-wing influences that set the agenda and frame the debate. Now, bear in mind that she is a Conservative Prime Minister. She has been followed by another Conservative Prime Minister. She was proceeded by three other Conservative Prime Ministers. They have been certainly in Britain running if that's the right term, the country for 13 years. I mean, when your government's and national leaders have become conspiracy theorists about who is

really running stuff, you know you've got problems as a species. No, the big problem with the world today is the left has too much power. And a two left wing, an economics is too lefty and it's lefty, lefty, lefty. She literally used a phrase, global left. She said the global left was in control. Ideas like redistributionism, which I'm not completely convinced that's a word.

But business being bad, the anti-growth people like extinction rebellion and just stop oil, those are the ideas that have made the running in the last decade. And who can and just stop oil. Those are the ideas that have made the running in the last decade. And who can forget just stop oil's victory in the 2016 presidential election? It was a big surprise that an organization that at the point, that at that point didn't exist.

One, a US presidential election. But it was a really, really huge, really, really huge moment. I mean, if there are people that think businesses are bad, I would say that's largely been the fault of businesses. It's also said, only if the West recommits to building both strong societies and strong economies, there's a bit of a credibility gap here. Given the essential demolition of society, quite successful, and so to come and given the essential demolition of society by successive conservative government and her own economic strategy seemingly

been designed during during an opium fuel jenga session. LAUGHTER Also, she says, only then can we guarantee votes as a free and meaningful choice in their destiny, a free and meaningful choice. Well, just from a British point of view, we have First Barth the Post, we have the House of Lords, and we have her as a private citizen by a fraction of a percent of the fraction of the percent

of most lunatic people in the country. Yeah, I bear with my, our current Prime Minister is a conservative who was chosen by a fraction of a percent of that fraction of a percent. I don't know I like building societies. Let's start with schools. Okay, Liz, this is Builds, actual buildings that aren't

crashing children in their hand. Then focus on building you're right with conservative utopia. You're crazy, lady. Well, that takes us on to our next story. Well, the, the, the, the, the, you just hinted out there that the concrete in schools store. I mean,

normally at this point of the year, you've got the new school year, your focus is on buying new shoes for your children, seeing their friends again, the excitement and anticipation of another nine months as Dave Factor, Ginny Pigs and the social engineering experiments of whoever the current government is, sorry, being big people at school. And the reason is because for decades we've been using air-rated concrete that is lighter, less dense and less durable and more prone to sudden catastrophic collapse than regular concrete. Raising the question, who looked at concrete and thought, I'll tell you what this stuff needs to be a bit more brittle.

It's been used in a lot of schools, hospitals and other public buildings, many of which are pretty hurt the list of buildings you would really rather did not suddenly collapse, which is quite a hotly contested list, to be honest. And the problem with it as a building material is that it's only safe for strapping short-term planning fans 30 years, or to put it in terms you might more easily understand if you're a fan of buildings, approximately 1.5% of the lifespan of an ancient Roman Colosseum, or just slightly less than one and a half

Jimmy Anderson's England Cricket career. So, I mean, that's not really. He's got a worldview. That's not really, that's not enough, is it for a building such as a school? Well, we're talking about state schools here and underatories, how long are they going to last, really? I mean, what's the lifespan on public education system? So you're essentially, I mean, I guess tap into that fundamental question of government,

do we actually need children? Yes. What do they do? Why do we allow them at best? They're going to grow up and vote Labour. Sure. Until they grow up and find sense. So maybe this is just part of the plan.

Part of the plan just to get rid of children. They just winge about things like, oh, we can't afford houses and the climate's collapsing. Winge is. Exactly. Well, education in this country has long been designed to spiritually crush children. Yeah. It takes you into a physical realm.

Yeah. It's not a great week for metaphors lag on to serve. Well, I think it might have been the most metaphorical summer we've had in this country. We've just had, you know, lonely turd sunbathing on British beaches in the Atlantic for national decline and now crumbly schools. I actually, I'm making a TV show for the sky here where I go and work for local news papers. The last week I was working for the South Wales Argus, and we went down to a river and an actual

scientist who works on river pollution, when I asked him about the state of the river asking Wales, he used the phrase, the E.coli is the least of our problems. I was talking to him and the singer Charlotte Church, who's very involved in cabbay to clean up that river. I can't remember which of the two of them it was, but one of the two of them definitely used to phrase the E.colise at least about problems. We've got rivers full of shit, we've got collapsing schools, and there were a lot of questions

for Richie Sunack, because officials, former officials from the Department of Education have alleged that Sunack was told how grave the risk was of these buildings when he was Chancellor and refused to commit the cash needed to keep the buildings upright and the children safe. So there are questions swirling for Rishi Sunak which adds to the list of my questions for him which are why don't you f*** off and how did you get to be so much of a f***ing? Well some experts have suggested that the cost of repairing all these buildings could be as much as £150 million. But using the approach adopted by Sunak as chance, you can bring that price down considerably by just not bothering to do

anything about it, which constitutes a bargain in public spending terms. And other way of doing is got to work the statistics. So if you have say 147 schools awaiting repairs and you tell 142 of those schools that they're not going to get those repairs, you have reduced the number of schools waiting for repairs from 147 to five, which is pretty much fixing the problem.

It's an educational experience, right? You're teaching children how to problem solve. The school around you is about to collapse and kill you all. What are you going to do? We're teaching them physics. Physics. You're teaching them engineering. Engineering.

Economics. Yeah. The dangers of insane short term cost cut. Yeah. It's good for physical education. It's learning to run away as far as possible. Yeah. We're going can have some,

I call all these printers coming through. Design and technology, you're building hats that can withstand falling concrete. Love that, love that. At best of all, they're not talking about bloody gender. I'm a rascal. I'm a rascal. The head of the National Audit Office here,

suggested that there has not been sufficient focus from government on what he described as unflashy but essential tasks, which clearly include stopping buildings falling on people. The kind of thing you could only turn your attention to as a government once you've finished the more important tasks, such as very slightly reducing the journey time from London to Birmingham training robot terror actils to pick asylum seekers up, and they'd be to fly them to Rwanda.

Can I just say, that sentence could have stopped before the word on. I think you could just have put our statement saying, there's not been sufficient focus from the government. That's a catch all coverage for the last 13 years. I can say that if you're only this country, particularly the last sort of two years where the principal focus has been, which one of the **** is gonna be King?

Jeremy Hunt, John's really second, he's fortunate now to be the government. To be careful of that, the government will spend whatever it takes, but only from the existing education. Essentially the choices between having schools that might fall down, but still have teachers and facilities in them, or having no schools, but with teachers and facilities is an facility standing around in the empty fields. It's a tough call. It is unquestionably a tough call. Football news now and well the Spanish football smooch for our ghost story is apparently reaching what will hopefully be a conclusion with the

resignation of Lewis Rubialas, the president of the Spanish FA in the fallout from him, grabbing World Cup winner Jenny Hamoso by the cheeks essentially and planting an uninvited kiss on her lips at what should have been a moment of glory for women's sport in general and the Spanish national women's football team. In particular, I think there are fairly basic rules. I mean, the story's been going on for a few weeks since the World Cup final in August. There are fairly basic rules, I think, as a man presenting awards of any kind or being part of these sort of awards at the women's sporting event. One, is don't grab your balls when celebrating something at which Ruby

Oles fell down on and two is don't grab an athlete by the face and plan a big smooch on her lips either with or without the cameras of the world trained upon you and it's gone over to one those and only now some what's it three weeks on as finally quap so I mean Tom I know, you are a sports skeptic, I think it's fair to say, you've not embraced humanity's greatest creation fully into your soul. That's fair. Yeah. What if you, I mean, is he just a victim of the fact that we've, you know, for whatever

reason we've moved on from the universally accepted rule of human life that men can do what they want when they want. I think so, I think it's a piece of your guy, man. I feel good about weighing in on this story because it involves my two very things, sport and kissing women. So, gentlemen, welcome to my wheelhouse. Look, obviously, terrible story full solidarity with the, so and yes, God, this guy was no good.

He kind of apologized to people who were offended initially and then tried to stay there and eventually sat down and it's great. But, you know, we should look on the bright side. We should celebrate the progress. I mean, men's sexual assault scandals are now in women's football. And that's extraordinary. And people are tuning in and caring, okay? Maybe they're little boys at home watching this on the news, Eddie, and 80 and thinking maybe one day I could be a sex pest in women's football and I think or as I call it football

so I'm an LA I guess. What was that thing? He was grabbing his crutch while when they won? What was he doing? Oh well I mean that's the obvious thing to do isn't it? If you're the representative, your nation's football association and your team is winning a tournament, I mean, who wouldn't instinctively grab their nuts in celebration? You do it, Nish, I've seen you do it at the hands football on Tuesday. Yeah, Tuesday football, I do. Is that how you injured your hair? Nish is performing this with people. Heroically, he's an inspiration to everyone with his hand in quite an elaborate cost.

Yeah, I've broken my little finger because I sat on my hand whilst I'm goal at five a side football, which I think it's probably means I'm officially middle aged. I think sustaining a minor injury while playing extremely low standard sport. Don't lie, Nish, you said on your hand, figure, feel like it wasn't yours. I mean, you grabbed your clutch. It's all be- I sat on my hand, forgot that I had my bugle brand rack, but I got there. Smash straight into the finger, broke the finger, broke the butt plug.

Oh, no. It was a dessert. I would say it was one of my least favorite Tuesdays. He, when we came in, as I was explaining the state of my injury to Andy, Chris came in sporting something of a sort of mild China on his face that it transpires. You did, how, Christopher? I top edge a cricket boy to my own face. That's the official line.

I'm just going to go with the new official line. You punch me in the Anyway, while that was all happening, Balard was doing a funny dance As celebrating never playing sport and never being injured from sports sports for losers I have my body is entirely healthy and I don't do anything with it. So he's quit because he says that he can't continue with his work and that he doesn't want to affect Spain's bid to host the 2030 World Cup. And he went on to say this, I have faith in the truth and will do everything in my power to prevail.

My daughters, my family and the people who love me have suffered the effects of excessive persecution as well as many falsehoods, but it is also true that on the street, more and more every day, the truth is prevailing. And to that, we say, brother, we've seen the video. This isn't a case of he said she said, this is a question of we saw.

We all watch the video happen. We all thought, that's not cool. You described it as mutual and consensual, which doesn't work if it's only one party saying it. From the straight of the street. I mean, it wasn't extraordinary to take back through the narrative. On the 20th of August, England allowed Spain to win the women's world. In order to help the fans, because of equality in Spain. We've got it all sorted here, so I didn't need to win.

Spanish players were collecting their medals. Rubialas, fresh and grabbing his nuts at. Grass, Jenny Hamoso, record goal scorer for the Spanish national team with over 100 international caps and planted a vigorously masculine kiss on the lips. The apology the next day was, I don't know, I mean half-assed seems an incredible overstatement. He said this, at a moment of maximum excitement. Now for a start, that is a phrase when you're apologising for doing something wrong to a woman and you were a man, do not say

at a moment a maximum excitement. It just, it conjures up wrong images. Anyway, it wasn't half-ass, but it was whole-dit. It's a pleasure. Maximum excitement is my poor name, by the way, as a type of forward. What happened happened in a very spontaneous manner. It has caused a controversy in some sectors and some people appear to have been upset and therefore I have to apologize. Which sounds like something that was drafted by the G-Type. To be absolutely fair.

Please ignore this gun at my head. Well, let's finish this week with a quick crime section, exciting week for crime around the world. We had a very exciting prison break in London, in which a terrorist suspect who's a waiting trial, escaped from one's worth prison, not far from where where where Dnish and I live in South London. A coincidence. Ignoring. Well, due to, you know, lack of funding, our prison stock is in not great repair and is generally underfunded and the staff has underpaid an undervalued and overworked and he ignores the, please don't escape signs.

Get out of one's own jail by cleaning onto the bottom of a food truck. He was then recaptured three or four days later. Having not got very far, just wandering around the towpath of a canal in North London. Prison authorities had appealed for a completely innocent person to volunteer to go into prison to balance out So I was the stats The one in what outfuzzle You've really buried the lead on this story, so the reason that this is captured the Imaginations of the people of this country is the guy was

He was a hot guy on the run man. I mean he was fit man. The guy on the run was fit. That's why everybody's been following it's time. The guy on the run was an absolute smoke shot. Okay. They leaked his mug shot and everyone agreed. The guy was fucking fit. I think it's good. I think the judge should take that into account. It's all the con. I'm quite a lot older than you guys, really a decade and a half. And to me, I just thought terrorist suspects look so young. LAUGHTER He's also, I mean, presumably there's some rack knocking around

in some prisons. I'm going to start seeing prisoners escape just by slowly pushing the walls of their cell. I'm watching the melt like arrow bars. I think most of our prisons are too old to have somebody as advanced as their rated concrete. It's like the Shawshaker devs you, but you just punch through the wall together.

I've had it. That's it. And well, some crime across the pond in America involving potential future president and actual past president Donald Trump notorious cancerous cyst on American democracy facing more court cases than you can shake a sticker. And as a result, as a result, some are suggesting that the 14th amendment could be brought into action to prevent him from running for office again. Under, so the 14th amendment, I mean, they did get quite a lot of the initial constitution

wrong and so kept moving to amend it. Some of those amendments have really not gone well for them. But I think it states that you can't run for president if you are a certifiable f***ing lunatic in general and everything America claims to hold dear. So I mean, Nick, where do you see this? I know you've followed that every single court case Donald Trump's have been involved in. Yeah, I'm a huge fan of the legal process. I love a John fan of the legal process.

I love a John Grishen book. And this is the John Grishen novel of Presidencies. It's, yeah, the thing with the 14th Amendment, section three of the 14th Amendment, bars people who have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the country and holding federal office. And I mean, listen, that does seem

a relatively sensible thing. It doesn't seem like you should elect somebody to run the government who doesn't agree with the existence of the government. Like, it sort of feels a little bit like, you know, you're fireproofing by an arsonist. But like, it's very woke of you, Nisha. Yeah, by woke, I of course mean something I disagree with. But, you know, the thing with Trump is, at the end of the day, if only there was concrete evidence of him trying to win tie a revert. If only there was evidence of him standing

in front of his supporters instructing them to fight like hell. He's the Lewis Ruby Arles of the US presidency, both the terms of his ponch on for sexual assault and his the absolute fat that we have video evidence of him doing the thing He's alleged to me doing I Is puzzling to me how we have a managed to secure a conviction on this guy? Well, you know the streets nish the truth is prevailing Yeah, by the streets I made 4 Chen and Facebook. Yeah, so you've got to be careful with the term concrete evidence. Well that brings us the end of this week's Beagle. Thank you very much for listening. I think it's had something for everyone. I think Chris has remembered why we continued doing these in Zoom.

Everybody gets a bit too giddy. Tom, have you got anything to plug? It's absolutely. It's just our soul. Don't worry guys, the rack has completely, and I cannot stress this enough, collapse into a bit of you. It's dissolved. You're more rack than men. Say what you will, the soluble butt plug is one of nature's great adventures. People in Australia, who come see my show Yes, No, my comedy lecture that Australia's referendum process, you, it's good.

That's coming to camera, Melbourne and Sydney across September and August. All the details are comedy.com.au September and August. Some tempered on a tusk of months go the other way. You're that? Racist? September October. It's almost hemisphere-ish. If you live in the United Kingdom or Ireland,

you can watch my stand standup comedy special, your power, your control on Sky, on Demand or now TV, it will be available to buy globally once I've worked out how to do that. It will genuinely be available. I can't stop you from pirating it if you have a VPN. I can't do that, but I would rather you wait until I sell it officially. Here's what I would say, pirate and bend by it. You know what, this is even for me a bad plug.

There is a live bugle show this coming Saturday, the 16th of September at the Leicester square theatre. There are a few tickets still available. About five. All right, don't bother, ignore that. No, sell the last five. Andy, they're still five available. I've got five. Alright, okay, don't bother ignore that. No, sell the last five. Andy, they're still five available. We should be announcing some more live shows soon, hopefully early, that we'll be having early next year. In the meantime,

you should listen to me on the news quiz. Tom is making his news quiz debut this week as well, so you can hear more of him. It's just like this, right? It's just like this. They do edit so much the root of it's happening. I'm gonna flat out up. Ah! Ah! This episode would have been a minute long.

Ah! It would have been, hello, I'm Andy Zoltzman. It would have been, I'll say our names and then a hard cut to tick ins for the live game. Ah! That's it. There's nothing more to say. names and then a hard cut to tick ins for the live show. That's it, there's nothing more to say. If you want to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme and get hold of the final record

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