The Bugle - Give Peas a Chance

Episode Date: February 1, 2020

Britain leaves the EU, no one is leaving China and your internet history is heading there.Andy is with Alice and James Nokise.Listen to The Last Post: http://pod.link/TheLastPost Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The last post is a daily podcast. That is podcast. There is an alternate universe, Alice Fraser, who hosts this historical news podcast, and she talks about all the news that's happening over there. This is a great getaway. It's a huge spread. It's a great getaway. This is a great getaway. This is a great getaway. This is a great getaway. This is a great getaway.

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What is happening is that Brexit is merely revealing an immutable reality of Brex Britishness. It is returning Britain to what it always was. Hundreds, thousands, millions, billions of years ago, a land of purest brexiness, humbly lived wherewithin upon by the ancient tribe of the Brexivantes, who tilt the soil with the earthic Brexit wisdom. It's happening people. It is happening. There's no way around it. And joining me to discuss this appropriately enough are two people who have absolutely no business being in this country anymore. From New Zealand, James, no key say, welcome.

Welcome, there were more X's in their opening than in porn. And also from the Southern Hemisphere, Alice Fraser. Bring me my Rosov, I'm back, I'm here. Hello. Well, are you both excited about being here for this historic moment, which nothing will happen and nothing much will change, but from slightly gruntlement on one side and deep smugness on the other? I mean, as a colonial, from the colonies, it's always fun to watch your band. Let it go. It was ages ago.

I was so excited when I found out that Brexit was going to actually happen. And then I realized that what it did not mean was that people would shut the f*** up about that sentence. Like if I would be so happy for Brexit to happen, if it meant that I never had to make another joke about Brexit, that would be, like that's how easily I would be sold on the idea. Because I don't care if your country goes to the dogs, it's fine. Yeah. Do you find people care if your country goes to the dogs, it's fine. Yeah.

Do you find people in Australia excited about Brexit? Because people in New Zealand, like, there's some people who are like, yeah, we've won. Brexit happens like you have no skin in this game, bro. What are you talking about? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's like the people in, you know, leads who have real strong opinions about the bushfires in Australia. Everyone seems to feel like they've got, I mean, I guess we might get to come over more.

Well, possible. I mean, the thing with New Zealand in particular is essentially, that has been our test tube experiment, essentially, because it's essentially... That's true. I do graphically, roughly the same, few more mountains. I do worry that there are people in Britain who genuinely believe that trade deals with New Zealand are gonna replace The European whole I'm I hate to break it to British listeners, but the New Zealand economy is It ain't saving anyone right James Cameron lives there though So maybe he if you do trade deals with James Cameron right and Peter Jackson. Yeah, well, I might be able to bail you Well, I think that's the way forward really. I'm well

The show hasn't officially started yet, but I mean, I think we're going to be trading with high net wealth individuals. Is that the right term? I forget. I mean, you know, even though obviously I am one. As I said, this is the last day of the old calendar. Her history, of course, will be all rendered irrelevant

after tomorrow compared with the history that is about to unfold before us, like the used handkerchief of a tuberculotic nicotine addict. But let's look back to this day in history, on this day in 1661, Oliver Cromwell was executed. Nothing unusual there, other than the fact that he'd already been executed by the Grim Reaper. More than two years previously, the Grim Reaper of course, a harsh judge with no appeals process. He was posthumously executed and locked up and I think sent around the country to Yeah, then they played football with his head and then literally his head was buried in my college at the university I went to

and then they tried to sell the head back to his family and they thought it was a fake but then someone did a PhD on it and it turned out it was his head. Right, I had a friend who was Irish. That was basically just the plot of a down-brown not like a real man. Except for the bit when my friend who was Irish used to go around the college and pee in corners hoping that he was peeing on Cromwell's head because they wouldn't say where it was buried.

Oh right, let's see. Not as part of an official tour guide. No, kind of. But he could say we're sort of 90% certainty that he had pissed on Cromwell's head because he'd pissed everywhere. It's good to cover your bases. The reason that Chromel was executed posthumously on the 30th of January, because on the 30th of January 1649, Charles I, King of England, was executed well, a multiple execution simultaneously

by the Grim Reaper Parliament and an anonymous executioner whose name we do not know, as is saw from the case with anonymous people, but latest historical research suggests that the fatal blow could have been the first instance of the use of the team mascot. Oliver Cromwell was aware that Monaco Bons Lopping could be not only physically divisive for Charles I, Charlie Chopper himself to a frankly irreparable degree, but also for the country as a whole, so Cromwell decided to try to make the event appeal to kids, neutrals and King Acutian skeptics by having the executioner dressed up in a funny costume,

hence Alfie the Axelotl, an axe-wielding salamander with big goofy eyes who brought some much needed levity and crowd work to what might otherwise have been a somewhat gruesome occasion. Thus was the mascot genre established with and he laid on what have become the classic tropes of mascoties, the world over getting different parts and he laid on what have become the classic tropes of masquerades, the world over getting different parts of the crowd on Whitehall that cold winter's morning to see who could do the loudest cheer, then some slapstick deliberate misses with the axe, forgetting to use his axe and using a giant carrot instead. And then when the final blow was struck, lifting up not the severed head of the king but

a pumpkin, then a pantomime horses head, then a rhinoceros skull before finally lifting up a king Charles's nuggin whilst cheekily stealing the crown and tucking it in his oversized trouser pockets before waving in a, I'm kidding, of course, style to the now uproariously laughing crowd, then firing commemorative items of clothing into the crowd from a doublet cannon. Certainly helped to fuse the tension and set a grand tradition. But we don't hear that about Chrom, it's of clothing into the crowd from a doublet cannon, certainly helped a few of the attention and set a grand tradition. But we don't hear that about Chromot, it's all the negative stuff, isn't it? Well, banning Christmas and the stuff James was touching upon there that, well, reverberates somewhat to this day.

Are they going to execute anyone for Brexit and then play football if they had? I mean metaphorically, definitely. Yes. Whether it actually happens in reality, I guess, in times of change. I mean, the conservative party has sort of a tradition of doing strange things with heads in celebration. Well, absolutely. I'm asking if your prime minister's gonna

pick a pick this week. That's why I'm asking. Well, I mean, did we end Rome? I read the other day in terms of Brexit and figuring out these trade deals being quite an urgent thing that, and I don't know how factual this is because I read it in news articles, so we know how reliable those can be,

but that Britain basically, the only thing it provides enough of to sustain its own population is peas. Ah! I think it might be like peas and whiskey, but whiskey is Scotland and we know they're on the way out. So it's just peas. Just peas. What do you mean you can build an army marches on its stomach and peas actually, you can,

you've got frozen ones, it can actually, it forms a kind of rolling conveyor belt. Yeah. Since if you lay them out right. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. I mean, again, I'm probably lying because I'm reading off a new source. That's fine. You know, this is the age we live in. On this day in 1820, Edward Brandsfield cited the Trinity Peninsula and claimed the discovery of Antarctica, which is less

impressive than it sounds, because of course it was much, much bigger than an easier to spot. Some claim that Brandsfield was the first to see Antarctica. Others say it was a Russian exploration celeb, Fabian Gottlieb von Belling's house, who apparently aspired to great big icy bastard a couple of days before Brandsfield, but do we trust those Russians? I mean they basically hacked that whole fucking continent 200 years ago. As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week, a bugle travel guide to Europe, that is just in the bin, no longer needed in the bin. And are you a reincarnated pharaoh?

Special supplement this week to help you work out whether or not you are a reincarnated pharaoh. Answer these questions. Are you good at hide and seek? And I mean, very, very, very good at hide and seek, then then yes you could be a pharaoh and question two when a beloved childhood pet died did you a very solemnly in the garden be chuck it in the bin see cook it and eat it D build it a f***ing great mausoleum or E instantly dayify it if it's D and or E you could be a pharaoh

you could be a pharaoh. . Top story this week. Well, we've already done some of the top story this week. It is Brexit. Here in Britain, we are about to go through a psychological milestone. Sorry. Let's hold back judgment on which of those was the misprint, which was the correct version for the next, let's say, 100 years, then we'll re-record this episode with a benefit of hindsight. Yes, tomorrow, tomorrow 11pm, we are leaving the European Union in everything apart

from practicality, which will take a little while longer. England, Britain, sorry, Britain. We'll be free to carve out a new, distinctively British identity around the country. We'll be free to cover a new, distinctively British, British identity around the country will be hanging up the invisible bunting in ourselves and a new dawn will dawn as dawns so often do. Very exciting times for too long this nation has been crumpled crushed under the oppressive quadruplic European yoke of peace, stability, cooperation and prosperity, but no more. We all be free. As, well, I mean, unwelcome outsiders

as you are about to become tomorrow. Well, how are you gonna mark the occasion? Well, I'm just gonna jetpack off the nation. Right. That's my plan, is to step some rockets to my back and shoot myself at the moon. See how far I get. I'm gonna have a panoray zone and probably a double macchiato.

Right. And then probably just eat some pizza. Right. We'll enjoy that while it's still going. Well, those are all jalable offences, essentially. I know. That's why I'm going to get it out before. Right. And then, of course, come Saturday.

Yeah. Eggs, beans and toast. That's all. M-P-C. Yeah. I know that's why I'm gonna get it out before and then of course, come Saturday. Eggs, beans and toast. That's all. And peas. I mean, I've never tried it with peas, but I better get used to it now. Yeah. Well, peas are the beans of the British now. Everything is the... Peas are the everything.

It's very, very philosophical. I mean, the thing is, whatever it was that people wanted Brexit for, and frankly, no one can remember, no one really knows. There's probably some good reasons, some less good reasons, same as they were on both of those. But I'm pretty sure what it was was the freedom to flog our national infrastructure off to the Chinese instead of the French. And at least that, that we will definitely have, so we will touch on.

They've got the increased freedom. Yes, yeah, Huawei fives all round. Yeah, so, um, uh, who are we? Um, is, who are we? I mean, that's, I'm very opposite questions at the moment. Uh, we'll be enjoying increased freedom this time next week, the increased freedom of having fewer rights, more restricted opportunities for work, travel, study, fewer chances to vote, unless representation for those votes.

And all the time that we used to waste making those decisions is now freed up to do free things and be more productive, freely, traditional British things like building ourselves an exoskeleton of water and d'orb, dying of scurvy, witch hunting, druidism and freestyle hinging. Europe has touched fond farewell. The president of the European Commission Ursula von der Leyen quoted the great British 19th century novelist George Eliot who wrote, only in the agony of parting, do we look into the depths of love? I think it was George Eliot, I might have been George Benson, I'm not sure. I mean I see the 19th century literature or 1980s soul, that kind

of sentence. Well, it's like how Nigel Farage was quoting the great 20th century novelist The Spice Girls during his campaign going, I tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I want to zigzaghiar. Everyone, what does that mean? It went zigzaghiar and people went, that's vote for that. And that's why we're here. Von Deleun continued, we will always love you and we will never be far away. I mean, that sounds a little bit stalky. A lot stalky. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like it's a generous move on behalf of the EU to leave the door as it were, metaphorically open for the return of Britain into the warm embrace of Europe. But I have the feeling that it's being said in a spirit of kind of smug chuckling behind the like, it's more like when you come crawling back. With your laundry. Like when you run away from home when you're six

and your parents are like, well, we'll keep the, you know, we'll set the table for you. Just, it has that slight vibe to it. Right. But then many kids run away from home when their six end up becoming, you know, hugely successful, global entrepreneurs. So, I mean, that may be a lie, maybe a fact.

I mean, look, what is done is what's done, right? And if by what's done, you mean what has now just begun an incredibly long process that we'll be arguing about for the next 30 years? I am interested to see how it plays out as somebody who has literally no skin in the game. All that can happen here is that my money gets stronger against your money. Right.

Right. Great money, top trumps, that's basically. But what Giver Hofstadt said, this vote is not an adieu. The vote is only, in my opinion, an O'Revoir to which Nigel Faras is not if we voie you first. Leo Verredcar, the Irish T-Six, said, we'll say goodbye to an old friend embarking on an adventure.

We hope it works out for them, but if it does not, there will always be a seat kept for them at the table. But again, that just sounds like it's setting up a f***ing awkward family, didn't it? Or a wake. Yes. This is something menacing about Irish compliments. Sometimes, isn't it?

You can sort of hear the accent. I'm not going to do the accent, because I want to live. But you can see, you know, we'll leave a chair for you. That's kind of menacing. I guess that depends where it's like an Ulster accent or a Dublin accent. One is slightly friendlier than the other. And again, I'm not going to say which fingers. There's been a lot of debate about exactly how

to mark this historical occasion, because it's clearly a very divisive moment in British history and clearly not everyone is on the same side of the coin and this has been emphasized by a coin. The government has launched a new 50p piece to mark Brexit which has caused even more division. I mean this is the state we have become as a nation that the launching of a coin has managed to make people angry, not just about the fact that it's a coin marking a divided moment, but the punctuation on the coin, the words on the Brexit 50 piece, a piece, comma, prosperity and friendship with all nations.

And now, instantly I think, well, this is just a charming memento of the things we've enjoyed for the past 47 years. And it even gives 31st of January 2020, the date of death is also marked on it, a lovely gesture to give us Ramoniac something to look back fondly on in our wallet. Do you know the etymology of the word wallet, by the way?

No. Small wallets. People used to carry their money in brick pouches. You're a terrible human being, Andy, and I'm glad that your country's going to fail. So the dispute is over the lack of what is called an Oxford comma. After the word prosperity, so many people say that it should be peace, comma, prosperity, comma, and friendship with all nations for the sake of accuracy or pedantry

or both. And of course, the most important part of Brexit and in fact all British events is the post-hoc commemorative coin. And as the pl- as the pound plummets, we want to know if it has a comma on it or not. I mean, only the British could be stirring down the barrel of an economic crisis and go, but what about that comma?

Well, it's an infinitesimal addition to the weight of the coin and when we start having to weigh them by the value of the metal in them again, that's going to make a big difference. Yeah. The Oxford Comma's incident, it was also a short-lived and extremely unsuccessful NFL franchise in the 1930s. They're precisely punctuated playbook proving no match for the physicality and athleticism of the America-based teams. And shouldn't be confused with the Oxford Coma, which is what happens when you get to be a Don and you just sit at the high table. Wondering where it's all gone.

But it's appropriate to have a coin to mark our departure from the EU. A large production run of something that is increasingly obsolete and largely not used by the younger generation seems entirely appropriate. The font, as well, the font on the Brexit 50P, is really laying our national cards on the table. That is properly 18th century. There are serifs flying around all over the shop. I thought it 18th century. There are serif's flying around all over the shop. I thought it was Elvish. Elvish? Yeah, right. It's which is the fourth language of New Zealand. That's not so bad. That's weird. I don't know if they put it in New Zealand.

Yeah, but it's, there's a lot of unnecessary... Well, that's what they've used to fit. I mean, the stupidest fingers. The reason it's a 50-peat, they can say everything they want. It's cost, they couldn't fit the text on any of the other coins. Yeah. They could have just had a 10p with fingers crossed written on it. Or I'm going to just just done like two fingers going up. Well, I mean, anything, whatever, whatever. If you, EU, that's all they need to print there, huh?

So where should the commers, should the commers have gone off the prosperity after friendship? Does the, with all nations, mean just friendship with all nations or peace and prosperity with all nations or you can see the confusion. I mean it's not a huge deal because there are other punctuation queries that there's no full stop at the end. There are no ironic quote marks around peace, prosperity, friendship, all and nations. That's an ansterisk is missing after all nations, all nations may exclude terrorist, states, commercial rivals, convenient skateboards, Argentina and any on who pieces of football, friendship, conditional and people from all nations not

coming over here and taking our jobs. So that was missing too. The lack of a full stop is a very important thing. In modern grammar, a full stop in a text is a sign of passive aggression. Is it? Yes, so you need to leave that open, like the open arms of the sentence of having somebody to respond. But does that come from Hemingway? You'll see very short sentences, isn't it? But pretty passive aggression. I don't know,

Hemingway was known for being passive aggressive. Who is just aggressive aggressive? Also, they spelled P's wrong. There we go. Oh, Chris has now been fully assimilated. I mean, we should have given you a microphone, Chris. Don't need one. Chris actually canvassed all three of us to go as no one going to mention peas. As no one going to mention peas. No, it's obviously it's a 50p coin because that's how much the pound will be worth, post Brexit, why isn't that? Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, what is money? You know, just a state of mind, isn't it? There's been other Brexit merch that Conservative Party has issued a tea towel with the words Got Brexit Done on an expression that in three in elegant words, paxing an ocean of delusion, a Callahari of arrogance, and an absolute Caucasus of presumption. It's given the date in Latin, good British Latin, with traditional British Roman numerals.

And it appears to have been designed by a drunken six-year-old who's never used any form of computer software before. It is inelegant, certainly, as T-Tiles go. The Boris Johnson surrounded by what appear to be giant weeds that are about to constrict the life out of everything in their path that may again be appropriate. Maybe missing a comment as well. Between Brexit and done, got Brexit done as an agent we are now officially done. And T-Tiles, I think, that as an agent we are now officially done. And tea towels, I think, that's an appropriate way to commemorate Brexit.

Because everyone's going to have to get jobs as dishwashers. Possibly that on the side. Yeah, yeah. Also, because they will gradually fade, they'll get afraid around the edges, possibly end up being slightly burned from being left dangly over a gas hub used to mop up on slightly spillages and then left to hang reproachfully, a grimy, frittered echo of a distant hazely remembered moment now sinking into the swamp of history like all details. And also the best thing about this was that if you just a whole range of got Brexit done merch, I don't think there could be a more annoying phrase than get Brexit done, but got Brexit done, I think is even more irritating.

Just on a pure linguistic, ugliness, a basis. It notes, please note, the delivery of our got Brexit on collection will begin on the 10th of February. I mean, it's then now being satirized by the whole process being satirized by a tea towel. We are officially redundant. The virus news now and we're all gonna die. Yes, it is. Are we still on Brexit news? We will live forever spiritually. Thanks for the Brexit.

James, you are the bugles infectious diseases correspondent. Yes, well, look, it's infectious news. There is a virus coming out of China at the moment, known as the Wuhan coronavirus, which two things that you often say when drunk, Wuhan and corona. It's all jokes aside, people are dying. Not British people, so people over here haven't been that concerned yet. But there are 7,700 cases confirmed at the moment, and more than 170 people have managed to die. However,

there is a lot going on. There has been an Australia they have managed to reproduce the virus, which just proves that if it can kill you, Australia can make it. And the richest man in China has put 100 million yuan into finding a cure for it, which is just proof that billionaires can actually finance curators without having to make the cure about themselves, live you listening, you love masks. Yeah, I feel like everyone's worried about this and I'm not quite sure how worried we should be, but I am literally wearing a face mask as we speak, not a medical grade face mask, just a paper cut out of a tiger to frighten the virus away from my soft tissues.

But there seems to be a lot of panic, particularly in America where there've been calls to quote, new China. I think that's not as much to do with the virus. I think that's just what happens when your president gets impeached and you're looking for some sort of out. Well, specifically a plane that was arriving back with expats from Wuhan, sorry, with expats

from Wuhan on this plane was subject to calls for shooting it out of the sky. Yeah, which is sane, I think we can all be. It's, I don't know. They would rather shoot a plane out of the sky then wash my hands really. Strangely very quiet from the anti-vax community, which I have to say as a sarmorne, it's a little bit annoying. Like where are you guys? Where's your little cause for Vitamin A? And like, I can't come, just have some Vitamin A guys, it's just a virus, you don't need to find a vaccine. Have some Vitamin A. The A stands for Ampivellent. I mean realistically, when you say how worried to be, this thing's never turned

that quiet as bad on a global scale as the Doom says predicts and whilst they may leave tragedy and suffering behind them, eventually there will just be a pinprick in the history books as humanity continues its triumphant march of prog-hagon. It says here they willed into our athletics championships has been postponed because of the virus. Holy shit! Sports is being affected! This is the biggest crisis in the universe

since the medium-sized bang got very out of hand all those years ago and had to be rebranded. Sport is being virused off. I'm not all happy about this. Well, nobody's happy. Particularly people who are traveling back from China. There's various states of quarantine. Britons are being faced with quarantine,

if they're coming back from China, particularly the Wuhan province, but Australia is going to be reusing some of its sweet immigration properties to quarantine people up on an island that they specifically did for for boat people. So it's boat people or coughing people gets stuck forever on an island.

It's one of those amazing things where people were going, oh man, what are we going to do with all these people that we kind of want to come into the country, but we need to put somewhere in Australia like, guys, we have got this. We have got this. We have been prepping for decades. We have spent way too much money on the facilities. And New Zealand's in on this too.

And New Zealand was like, ah, we. Which is how you say, say sure in Kiwi. Well, also it never really misses out on an opportunity to lock people up on an island. I mean, it's something deep in its national. It's part of the night national psyche because that's what we are. We were locked up on an island. That is our identity. That is Australia. Australia is a prison island and if we can help share our national spirit, it's that. It's less than for Wauka Island, isn't it?

Australia is less than for Wauka Island. A lot of people don't know that. They think it's great southern land, it's not. It's great prison. In fact, the Australian government has just announced that with the state of the virus outbreak they have officially upgraded Australia's status to some worries from no worries. And to put this in, I mean, there are, you know, to show the scale of this outbreak Starbucks has had to temporarily close 2,000 stores in China. And you think when a global coffee industry is being adversely affected, I mean, this is essentially what-

When the global coffee industry comes up against the global coffee industry. But what I mean, this is what we exist as a species, isn't it? I mean, we've gone through various phases as a species of, you know, what is the purpose of our existence? Is it's, you know, to do on it, to the great glory of God, or is it just to keep the global coffee industry going? But at the moment, that's what we've honed in on. Also, respectfully, Starbucks. the global coffee industry going, but at the moment that's what we've homeed in on. What's our respectfully Starbucks? Like, if you ask me what's going to kill me quicker, coronavirus or a pumpkin latter? I mean, I don't think you're really taking a more high ground here, Starbucks, by

closing 2,000 stores. Animal Fashion News Now, Alice, you are the Bugles Animal clothing correspondent and I understand Australia is having a slight issue with the Mittens for co-alas. Yes indeed, Andy. I am the animal fashion correspondent and when it's not about rhinos, in rhinestones it's about Mittens on on koalas. Apparently, beautiful, lovely people all around the world have been sending aeroplanes full of handmade goods and medical supplies to help animals injured in the Australian wildfires. We've lost more than a billion animals in Australia and there's plenty of heart-wrenching viral images online of koalas with burned paws.

Few are heart-wrenching images of crocodiles with burnt snouts, but they're less photogenic. The Canadian volunteers alone sent six airplanes full of handmade mittens, which nobody needs. And in fact, the incredible cascade of goodwill has ended up with taking up a lot of the resources on the ground in sorting and figuring out how useless they actually are. So they've been kindly asked by various groups to come the f*** down. It's a metaphor for the planet, isn't it?

We've got this huge outpouring of well-meaning, beneficent generosity that has proved to be practically useless. And yet, a few absolute f***s seem to get an inordinate amount of shit done. Well, here what you're saying, Andy, and you're right, it is Megan and Harry's fault. I mean, obviously, this never happened before they moved to Canada. But also, I think we can all agree now

that this is proof that there is way too much weed in Canada. That's too much weed and whiskey combining with maple syrup to go, man, we got a, we got a net some koalas and mint, man. They burned off on a little fur. We got to get them some mint. Koala mintens, and certainly also a woman who received unsolicited sexual attention from Donald Trump in the 1980s.

Well, people are apparently suspicious about sending cash to charities, which is the thing that they actually need on the ground, so they would rather... What's a koala going to spend cash on? Well, I think you feel less morally corrupt if someone misuses your mittens than if somebody misuses your dollars. They're really there, basically. But so the cash isn't going direct to the koalas. The koala's on the corner, who's just going, you want to buy some mittens, right?

I might got some mittens here? I mean, you don't, it's mittens in Australia for God's sake world. It's Australia. No one takes mittens. People in Australia don't have mittens. Juanita Rilling, who's the former director of the Centre of International Disaster Information in the US, said, it's a beautiful thing that people just want to help, but there's an old proverb that says,

desire without knowledge is not good. And this is a case of desire without knowledge, which is true of mittens and boners, the world around. LAUGHTER Yes, I mean, it's not the most effective chat-up line, I wouldn't have thought. Dr. Rachel Talent and an associate professor in veterinary cellular microbiology, no less, said the problem with coala mittens is that the coala still need their claws and paws to be able to feed themselves in the clone trees.

It's heartbreaking this story. It's so heartbreaking. What they want is fingulous gloves. Right. All this just terribly me supplied goodwill. Come on, Canada. Put some effort in. I know fingulous gloves are a bit harder to knit, but it's in the mitten. Apparently Australia is planning to retaliate by sending earmuffs for moose. Oh, actually, you could probably, you could make a sail to fit on the moose sail. A moose sail.

A moose, a moose breller to keep him dry, mate, during the rain. Well, I mean, with global warming happening and animals losing their natural habitats, if you could turn a moosesa's antlers into a functioning sale and give them little wheeled carts, they could move around Canada much more quickly to find pasture. There was a call in New Zealand. I think I have to put my hand up and say this

isn't the stupidest thing because there was a call in New Zealand to relocate the koalas, to New Zealand. Right. But I really like the koalas. There was like thousands of people signed a petition and gave it to the Prime Minister to send her there and who was like, I think we'll just send over firefighters guys to be honest. They were like, yeah, now bring the koalas here.

Because what could happen when you introduce a non-native species? And to what, I mean, Parsums worked out really well in New Zealand. How many possums there's? I think I've been to New Zealand three times and basically the lead item on the news is always possums. There are so many possums in New Zealand that we actually put armour on them and used them as extras and the law of the law. Television series coming up. Possums are the cane toads of New Zealand. Absolutely, and koalas could get there too.

And of course do it. People who are New Zealanders and in term and can't go in what we've got to dress up like koalas now, is that how we get home? Huawei news now and a huge controversy here in Britain over the deal struck by the British Government to allow Huawei the Chinese company to help build the infrastructure for Britain's 5G mobile network despite the protestations of the USA. It's quite a complicated story and it does raise the question, why are we in Britain having to depend on Huawei, the Chinese government? Why there are no British firms who can Brexit construct our new 5G infrastructure, which of course will be the last iteration of the internet before it becomes so fast that it is faster than time and therefore

6G will have built itself way before we can even get around to commissioning it. But why then are British artisan handcrafted boutique mobile internet infrastructure or infrastructure manufacturers who can keep this who can keep this in-house? I haven't to trust the Chinese despite the fact that the government has described Huawei as a high-risk vendor, but as basically said, yeah, it'll probably be all right. I mean, statistically, most lion tamers don't get eaten, most stuntmen and stunt women live to a ripe old age, and most astronauts make it back in one

piece and carve out a lucrative speaking career. So, what is there to worry about? Yeah, I mean, it's like saying most lion tamers don't get eaten, let's build our house out of lions. There's a lot of advice and pressure from the US that's come through and that the UK should block the firm. For security reasons apparently they're not very good at keeping your secrets and given that will, with the internet, be interesting that infrastructure with literally everyone's secrets, perhaps it's such a bad idea. But Stephanie Turra, Stefan Turral from IHS Market said, I think it's a pragmatic decision that brings stability and continuity in the 5G ecosystem before taking a million dollars

in hush money from an unknown source. It's such an interesting thing. It just proves my ongoing hypothesis that we will trade literally everything for a small piece of speed in our Wi-Fi. You have to think about what fast internet is propping up. Think of all of the terrible relationships that continue for decades just because you both like the same show on Netflix. This is the core of our society that we need to keep running. Yeah, and you know, you've only got so much time to wank during a day. Yeah.

I think that's what it comes down to. Yeah, all right. And, you know, if you've got a- I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I mean, that's a nice thing. He's not going to cook themselves mate. I mean, that was very much the subject of what Boris Johnson has been saying on this deal, just from, you know, looking at his... I mean, no one thinks Boris Johnson wants faster internet to watch Netflix, respectively. No one thinks he's watching the crown. He thinks the crown is real. He's waiting for Brian Cox to be cast as him in the crown. I'm just worried this is when we've seen it,

all the history keeps repeating on itself, that's all we keep, we keep seeing in Britain, and this is just like the Prussian bread carrier pigeon scandal all over again from the 19th century. I don't like where it's going. I think it's important that people know that it's not cause it's China, it is cause of the spying. Like in Canada, the head of Huawei is like currently in on trial of the spying. In Canada, the head of Huawei is currently in on trial

for genuine spying. Like, it's not like people are like, oh, because of China in this, but the company itself is being investigated internationally for spying. This is the equivalent of buying your local groceries from the local drug dealer because they've got the best prices.

Well, they say those who don't remember their history are doomed to repeat it, but the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the it's deleted. I like that. That's the psychological delusion that Western society has gone with. Well, it's worked in our education system essentially. Oh yes, it's the take equivalent of when a baby offers you a mouthful of wet food and you pretend to eat it, but that just disappears. Well, that draws us towards the end of this week's Brexit special bugle in a emotional time for Britain but and for our European partners as well or those countries with whom we've worked over the years in the European Union but you know it's a tough time for our continent but Europe will be back that don't crow-ager.

Europe will be back. And then, I mean, it all goes back. The whole Brexit thing to David Cameron who was so obsessed with the economic side of things. He can solve about the economic prospects. He can solve about the political implications. But he forgot to worry about what the people of Britain actually thought.

He didn't check Ray public. And he had been puking for two days and this is the worst I've felt. And Cameron was surprised with the result. He said, I checked the latest poll and it was okay. But last minute, last minute, it's going to break. A late via. Anyway. And Cameron, he said and he felt betrayed by Boris Johnson by Michael Gove. And they used to be in the same Campanology Society, Cameron Gove, so he was betrayed by his bell jam. But it's true all the way through the debate ever since, Jeremy Corbyn's leader,

you know, and debates his points that he was trying to make were like the punches of an armless boxer. He never lands. In the end, he lost and those of us on the remain side were left bit Italy, but Italy disappointed. I've been thinking to myself, will this pain ever go away? And it's been a... I guess, you you know I feel like the caption of the Titanic that he too had bad luck, some bug got on the way and it down he went. Anyway a friend of mine came and I see me see I'm coping with the impending Brexit and he said you look awful Andy, you okay? You okay? No I'm not okay. So you look like I haven't been eating. He said to okay? No I'm not okay. You look like I have me

eating, you say to me I say not hungry. Drink, I'm gonna have a sniff report, you gallons of it. I like it but it's only that. I wanted to write a farewell song for Europe and I was too upset my friends, I don't worry. Well I'll get one of a pair of New Zealand singer songwriters from the band crowd and how's the do it? Fiddle and lit. Fiddle and lit. So sorry New Zealand, I apologise.

Anyway, behalf of my friend and his industrial strength crowbar. So it's been been a tough time and you know, it's um, you know, what we're going to do with, we're going to get rid of national assets and even the aging footballer, Rooney, we'll have to leave Wayne here, a little bit. Oh, that's enough. You know, a Scottish friend of mine, a huge fan of the European Union, spends most of his time down a little shed in his garden because it is we, then. I know it's a very tough issue in Scotland. Gordon Brown, former Prime Minister of the World,

his old buddy Blair, rang him up about it. He said, hi, God, it's Tony here. I'd give you a special share of only four marks out of ten, well-replied Gordon Brown. That's a pretty low den mark. Oh! And it's not just me that thinks it said Tony Blair, at Alistair Darling, our former colleague too, he agrees with me. Well, it's not my fault said Gordon Brown. My hoover is getting really old and it doesn't function properly. Takes

me ages to do the floor and Blair applied. You've got a slow vac. Yeah. Anyway, my grandmother worries about all the immigrant relevance getting NHS treatment before her, especially with her infected leg joint, her germine knee. Anyway, she went to the shopping mall to get some medicine for her bone problem, her Austria parosis. And she had, I would going to say huge generational gap. It's not good for kids, my kids know that. But if the older generation is good for grandparents,

good for uncles, for aunts. No. And we become very angry, see-surrounded nation, and an Ireland. Are you doing all of them? I'm just Googling how many countries are in Europe. I just want to go. Two to go.

Three to go. But any kind of stuff you've been worried about, immigration, and obsessed that we don't have the space. The whole campaign was afflicted by a real Romania. And I think we can regret now on the remains of, we played two cageer campaign, we played it safe, like a snooker player, afraid of taking a risky longpot, and I was trying to get the cue all back to the bulk area. Bulk, bulk area.

Right, sorry, once it started, I couldn't stop the urge. I can't, so I press it. So there it is. Oh, Lord Day. Well, there can be no more suitable way to mark this occasion. When I go to get coronavirus. Yeah. That's it. We're done in more ways than one. Let us have the plug.

Thank you for listening, Bueglis. Alice, tell people about the last post in case they've not yet. The last post is a daily, satirical news podcast set in alternate universe. So that is something that you can listen to every day. It's a short podcast and I think she's very good. The host of it really sounds a lot like me. Also, my solo shows are now on sale for Melbourne Sydney and Perth. That's and the more tickets you buy now, the more likely I'm to write it. That is a new angle in comedy. Preemptive, bright big of adorages.

Oh, you want to see a good show? Well, you'd better buy a ticket. Yeah. The premium model. Anything to alert all listeners to? I've just got a third season of my podcast, Eating Fried Chicken in a shower. I don't know the greatest podcast.

I don't know who we're going to get in the show for this one yet. Although a lot of people have been suggesting the All Blacks after last year's rugby World Cup defeat, and the Black Caps after that, I think they just want me to ask New Zealanders what it's like for those. Yeah, the Black Caps, the New Zealand cricket team. You may remember, lost the World Cup final. It's the last year. Yeah, it's a difficult draw, mate. A difficult draw.

Heroically not losing either the game or the tie-break. Still managing to lose. It's amazing. Really, what do you think about it? Yeah, it's kind of... It's going down again. Happened again this week. Yeah, it's...

So I mean, told to wrap this up. Yeah, it sounds good. It sounds good this way. I don't even know what you're talking about, mate. I don't even... What's crooked? Thank you for listening, Budalus. Until next week, goodbye sounds good. It sounds good. Let's hear it. I don't even know what you're talking about, mate. I don't even, let's crack it. Thank you for listening, Beoblos.

Until next week, goodbye. Bye. Bye. you