The Bugle - Good guys win elections!

Episode Date: October 20, 2020

Andy is joined by Tiff Stevenson and James Nokise, with hot news from the New Zealand election. Plus all the other news.SEE US (DIGITALLY) LIVE AT THE UNMUTE PODCAST FESTSupport what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanTiff StevensonJames NokiseAnd produced by Chris Skinner LISTEN TO RICHIE FIRTH: TRAVEL HACKER. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Dancilla Guard Reader. This coming Saturday, the 24th of October,

there will be a live bugle show as part of the Unmute Podcast Festival. Go to UnmutePodcastFestival.com. We'll have Nish and Alice as the guests. It'll go out as a live stream and also as the next full episode of the Bugle. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugglers, and welcome to issue 4,170 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world, albeit a visual world whose current defining characteristic is an invisible thing that is playing absolute fucking havoc with everything that is visual. I'm Andy Zoltzman, if you don't believe me please be a little more trusting. Even if

I do acknowledge that we now live in an earthly universe where the first assumption is that whatever anyone is telling you is a lie, that is a fact. I'm in London on the Monday the 19th of October 2020 and the Bugle in the last week has become the first podcast ever to make it to its teenage years apart from numerous other ones that got there first. But the Bugle is now a teenager. We had our 13th birthday in the last week, October 2007, is when the show kicked off. And we've only really made it to teenage, and if you ignore the year or so in 2015, 2016, where we didn't really put anything out, and the world, unsurprisingly, went a bit wonky in the meantime, but it was the bugle 13th birthday, which means that this week It would be the bugle's bar mitzvah

But a Jewishness of course comes through the maternal side and the mother of the bugle was fate Who is very much an atheist but the bugle is now teenager So expect some very stroppy uncommunicative and hormally confused episodes over the next few years before in 2029 The bugle settles down as a proper job as a product across the South of the team Joining me appropriately enough two people who were themselves once teenagers From the Northern hemisphere Tiffany Stevenson and from the other one What again? Seven seven and specifically from New Zealand.

The best of it. Well, currently, that's only on the current rankings. Let's take the all-time rankings, James. James, no key, say hello, James, how are you? Good, hello as we say in New Zealand, let's go outside and hug each other. LAUGHTER That's great.

Really great, really. What's hug? I can't remember what I get. So how is the old normal? It's called in New Zealand. It's quite fun because New Zealand is often referred to as England, but 20 years in the past. No, it's just one, well, eight months in the past now. Well, eight months, yeah. Boarders are shut. Unless you're a rugby player, then as always, the rooms do not apply. You're allowed in to get beaten, basically. Tiff, we're still stuck here in, uh, uh, co videos, Albion, um, but, but you

have, you have been, you have been overseas. I went to Turkey. Yeah. And then while I was away, they were like travel corridors shut. So I'm now isolating in my house, which I, I, you know, I've done, I've bought a sad lamp. All right. Is ironically not sad, but know what I've done, I've bought a sad lamp. I'm sure it is ironically not sad but tragic I think.

What is a sad lamp, not just a lamp that's been switched off? A sad lamp is a, is for seasonally affected disorder. Do I have seasonally affected disorder? Am I just annoying all year round? It's difficult to tell. Under the rules, you're like kind of not supposed to go anywhere. I think I'm allowed in my back garden. I don't know, I guess the rules depend on, you know,

whether you're me or whether you're Boris Johnson's dad or Tony Blair, you know, it's all up for grabs. Well, I think when you say it depends on whether you're, I think it just depends on whether you give a shit about the rules on what the That's like like any law really We're gonna start with the section in the bin this week because we've got a special teenagers Section in the bin because the bugle has entered the world of teen age area So we look at some famous teenagers from history.

Boris Becker, 17-1 Wimbledon, 18-1 Wimbledon retained it, but even he was never on quite as hot a hot streak as one of his teenage predecessors, Joan of Arc, the literal hot-y from history, who was only 19 when she suffered a career ending conviction for heresy and related toasting injury. The first World War catalyzing arch duke skeptic, Gavrilo Prince, it was only 19 when he de-Arts duked, Frans Verden and in 1914. And Queen Victoria, well, she was queening it up as an 18-year-old in the pre-Instagram era,

whilst Wolfgang Moetz, a little Timmy Tinkletunes himself, was churning out the classics throughout his teenage years. Some of his teenage works include opera such as Darren Loves Linda, no one understands me and concerto for orchestra and a hormonal teenage boy. And we reminisce on what we personally were like as teenagers and how different we are now. I'll kick this one off as a teenager. I was obsessed with cricket. I didn't have a real job. I was baffled by the world in general and I haven't been to a synagogue since my bar mitzvah. So no real change for me. What about you? The thing that I would like to say to my 13 year old self is they won't look bigger if you wear three bras on top of each other. I think that's, I was still waiting for that to happen at 13.

And then when it did happen, I was like, can I just go back to that not happening? James, what does it tell us about the teenage James, no key say? I think I was thinking about doing like comedy, but living with my parents, and just not really sure what I'd do for a career. So this has really been a full circle pandemic for me. So... Oh Chris, I imagine you were just producing podcasts, radio shows, you know, the left-right and center as a teenager, all right?

Yeah, but I think the, probably the only fundamental difference between now and then was the fact that I spent most of my time age 13 playing Super Nintendo, whereas actually yesterday I spent the entire day, you actually also playing Super Nintendo. So, you know, it holds us. It holds us. We're basically all cold-cold. We'll come back. Always go back to how you began.

BELL RINGS We are recording on the 19th of October 2020. On this day in 1789, John Jay was sworn in as the first chief justice of the United States. And if you're listening, Mr. Jay, for f*** sake, come back. If you're so bloody good at justice, sentence yourself back to life to sort your shit out. And if you're listening Mr. J for f*** sake, come back if you're so bloody good at justice, sentence yourself back to life to sort your shit out. On this day in 1579, James VI of Scotland had a special festival to celebrate him becoming

a 13 year old, in fact, and becoming an adult ruler. So yeah, he turned 13, he had a special festival in Edinburgh. And that was way back in 1579, it involved a speech in Latin by John Sharp, a prominent local lawyer. I only got two stars in the Scotsman, although Sharp insisted it read like a three star review. The review claimed his speech was a bit tricky to follow if you didn't speak Latin and lacked any originality. But by contrast, Broadway baby gave it five stars and described it as dazzlingly inventive, daringly challenging and grammatically perfect for the many Latin speaking fans of the audience.

And there was also James the 6th is 13 year olds coming of age festival, a tablo viva or in modern parlance a pretentious piece of performance art bullshit. There was a sketch show involving four boys dressed as girls representing peace justice plenty and policy, which won the Bubonix Play Grammities Award for show of the fringe that year. Some sort is clunkingly unsuttle, the observer, others praised its daring use of perceptions of gender and satirical exploration of the interrelated roles of the concepts of peace justice plenty and policy, together with a very musing song in which you kept expecting the lines to end with rude words but then they didn't. That was from the list. The King's horoscope

was presented by an actor playing in the ancient astrology-sebed tollaming bit mainstream. And there was a show representing the abolition of the Pope's authority in Scotland, easy targets, a lot of those trump shows in 2017 all over again. Some students did an over ambitious adaptation of a Russian short story to an average audience of two. Obviously, Puppetry, the penis did well. And I think I'm right in saying that Edinburgh legend genius Simon Munnery made his Edinburgh debut that year. The old Puppetry of the penis tour manager is literally next door right now. Weeping having never really got over the memories of it. It's been a puppetry of the penis, they're always about.

Is it like, what was the film? Is it like, is it in the Da Vinci Code or one of those where they show the devil always popping up throughout various points. And just there's in the background someone doing a helicopter with their dick. There's always two in a photo once you're going to drive it. It's going to start the other side of the bucket hat. Well it's basically a Michael Angelo pretty much painted them onto the roof of the ceiling. Look there are Australian icons and we do them with a service. LAUGHTER

They're great lads, but it is funny to think that they were there during all the key historical events. MUSIC Top story this week. New Zealand has had a general election and the world has actually taken notice of it. Probably the first time in New Zealand's history, James Jacinda Ardern, the Prime Minister romped a victory with 49% of the vote for her Labour Party up from 37% three years ago and she came to power as leader of a minority coalition, a national party who were in power for most of the previous decade, down from 44% to 27%

And the nationalist New Zealand first led by Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters down from 7.2% to 2.6% and disappointing Zero seats. I mean New Zealand James, very much bucking the trend of global politics by not voting in favour of nationalists, lunatics and f**ts. So what has gone wrong? Well, I think part of it was the night before an all-black match. So everyone wanted to get it done pretty. And this is absolutely true, Andy. The concession came at 10 PM at night. So it was all done and dusted. Because obviously the all blacks was on the next day. Everyone had to go to beds.

Somebody MPs actually went out and partied afterwards because the clubs were still open. So one of them, Chloe Smallbrick, who was the first green MP to actually win a seat, one very important seat of Auckland Central, and is in her mid-twenties, or early twenties, I apologize to her, I've insulted that, she went out on DJ

following in the footsteps of another young Auckland Central list MP, Jacinda Rao Dern, who used to DJ in her youth, which is because in New Zealand all politicians are also DJs. But it's been a very, very calm election over here. We had some crazy parties, and we all found them very entertaining. And then in classic New Zealand state, we got to the polls and went, yeah, nah, and We didn't let them in. So we've just mainly got the Green Party and the Labour Party looking at maybe, will they form a government? The National Party has completely been eviscerated. Part of it was because their leader,

Judith Collins, for our internationalist, her hero was Margaret Thatcher. for our international listeners, her hero was Margaret Thatcher. And she did her best to emulate that woman by dying so badly in both the debates and the polls. Her husband is Sarmorne, which she told us as much as she told everyone about her Sarmorne links so much that Sarmorne's were confused by how much she was playing the race card. And so she's just taken National Party to a horrific defeat.

Winston Peters, who won't be well known to internationalistists, but it's essentially Maori Trump and has been doing populism since 1996. He's finally out or is he? Because he's been out before and then he comes back. He's sort of New Zealand politics version of Herpes. So, you think he's gone and then he comes back another election. He has 75 now. So we think he'll die, but as anyone who's watched New Zealand cinema knows old men don't die, they just get reborn whiter. Didn't they shut down their Twitter at one point, the conservative party in the midst of it? The advice New Zealand Party was putting out so much dissent information that Facebook just shut them down. Because they were having rallies in the middle of Auckland's lockdown and saying the virus isn't real, you know, this is all a big conspiracy, 5G is the cause, like this was it, and they're still, some of them are still espousing it. BilliCK, Jr.,

who's the big leader just went on a rant on Sunday night saying the election was rigged because his party of lunatics only got 0.9% of votes. And the Electoral Commission just came out of it. Now it's not because of New Zealand. That's how it works. They got 20,000 votes advanced New Zealand and there was a very entertaining televised demolition of its co-leader, Jamie Lee Ross by the news anchor, Tova O'Brien, that a piece of gone globally viral, where pretty much told him to shut up, stop lying, and then piss off, essentially.

She's the Arya Stark of New Zealand Journalism, is Tova Brien. I think that's where Jamie Lee Ross made a mistake because he went, I'm gonna take on this little girl and I'll show her what's what and she just stabbed the shit out of him. Metaphorically, of course. It was an investigation which was so violent. Quentin Tarantino is actually basing his next film with the interview. And Hugh Jackman has asked that she play Wolverine

and whatever movie comes out next. But I think what made it so perfect is that for most of the pandemic, Tovro Brian has been cast as a villain in New Zealand because she kept asking questions of Jacinda Ardern. That's not what journalists are supposed to do, James. It's a sad thing.

I mean, that's what I'm told. That's the information we've been getting to. And so there's sort of this visceral reaction from New Zealanders where the villain of the season has, in the last minutes, turned her powers for good. And really, it was so bad. I generally feel we need to check on this man's mental health. LAUGHTER I was fascinated by this. I generally feel we need to check on this man's mental health

I was fascinated by this this as you mentioned that There might be a coalition anyway, so the Labour Party has As one with a with an electoral majority which is pretty rare in New Zealand politics correct but Jacinda Arden may seek to form a coalition just in the order to seek to form a coalition anyway. And from an outside perspective, could she be any more annoying? I mean, what is the point of politics if you don't use your victory to ignore everyone

who didn't vote for you and so the seeds of division that you can then exploit at the next? Why even bother trying to win if you simply cave in anyway to the rapid demands of the extreme consensus lobby? Well, I think this is where her fiance, Clark Gafford, comes into play, or as he was called by one journalist, Hillary Barry, sometimes a man as behind a woman, and he's okay.

Are those that on the TV coverage of the six hour? Yeah, that was on the prime time TV coverage. I'm pretty sure our anchors were stoned. I'll be honest. Wave is because it said on the prumptor, it said, behind every good woman, I think it was supposed to say, behind every good woman, was an equally good man.

And they were just like, no, we're not going to say that. So I was just filling it in, behind every good woman is a man not observing social distance behind every good woman is a man leaving a mess behind every good woman is a man statistically most likely to kill her. You know that kind of thing. So yeah, so see, so in the midst of that. Well I think I think it's in in's case, it's behind every good woman is a man who's just gone fishing and is cooking up a barbecue. So the reason to have more MPs in the government is so there's more people for the food to be

passed around. Because it might go to the Green Party, there's a Māori Party at back in as well with Rādhuri, YTT. I tell you that he's not related to Tyker, but it's New Zealand, so I just don't know. But the exciting thing is that we're still waiting on the results of our referendum, which we also had, to see if we've going to legalize weed and Euphan Asia, and that result is coming out on October 30th. So Halloween is going to be lit in this country. So the referendum on youth and age, there are two

side different references. There's a binding referendum on youth and age, which means that if it goes through, everyone will be legally obliged to euthanise themselves on the 30th of October. I think that's right. Absolutely. And the cannabis referendum was a non-binding advisory referendum, which is, I think, what Brexit was as well. So just be careful. But be very careful of that music. Very careful. Well, I mean, the nice thing is the way that cannabis often works is that if they do change their minds on the result most people who care won't remember. I just want snacks, we'll be chill. There were so many election snacks. I think when people look back on the 2020 New Zealand election, people are talking about

it as like the red wave or the red tide which just seems a strange label to check for an election. I think those should call it the snack election because the prime minister's partner was cooking snacks for the journalist. The journalists were eating gummy bears and jet planes in the studio. I don't know if that happens in Britain when there's an election on. You could tell that weed was definitely in the referendum. People were dancing about. There was an election when David Dimblebe, who's sort of anchored the election coverage for BBC for decades, had a bite of a Mars bar and it pretty much brought the nation to a standstill.

So I mean, David Goward read socks when he was England cricket captain. So New Zealand, clearly going at a loan by choosing not to elect a pompous corrupt, regressive, morally vile man, prepared to blow any manner of social dog whistles to get into power, which does raise the question, what makes you so fucking special, James? And I guess the thing is, you know, New Zealand is a small country, it's only 4.9 million people, anyone time 30% of those people are scrambling around in the mud trying to get hold of a rug people all off each other. You know there are no indigenous mammals and I'm not counting bats because bats are birds, because they can fly. That's biology for you. You know, I like their

drunk. With all due respect James New Zealand is the kind of nation that can afford to have someone sensible in charge, but you know we're in Britain and our friends in other countries are bigger, bigness than New Zealand. We don't have that luxury. We need an incompetent come to charge, otherwise who knows what will happen. Well, in New Zealand we call that the Australian Manufus. And the Australian papers have been panicking about this. I think Rupert Murdoch may have lost his mind because all the papers over the past 24 hours that Murdoch are going to be going, this is a disaster. The incompetent New Zealand leader has been re-elected. It's a cult of personality around Jacinda Ardern.

There's no reason she should be elected. And at no point did they seem to mention, oh yeah, and the pandemic thing as well. It feels like everyone in the world is really happy about the New Zealand election because they still get to play with just Sunderadir. We kind of feel like we let everyone's favorite kids still be able to come out and play. Yeah, I know, but you know, her supporters are cool. Like, cool people came out for her. Over the weekend, Kirstie Alley came out for Trump.

Like, comparatively, was it, so Dean Cain, Scott Bio and Tonyo Sabato, Jr. Three of the dudes that I had teenage widons for are like, and now Trumpers. And so I didn't get more right wing as I got older. I did get narrower though. That's the opposite of having a wide audience. It's just getting narrower. Like the people that are coming and listen, of course, Kirsty Alley's allowed her opinion. She was saying

she was voting for him because he wasn't a politician and he got stuff done. I mean, he's definitely got stuff done, none of it good. She believes Trump's good for the country but she also believes that dudes from space with plats and man buns called Theetans live amongst us. So cult recognizes cult, I think is what I'm saying. Cult recognizes cult. I thought about joining Scientology last time I was in LA just for the parking. They've got a lot of that lockdown. So just comparatively, like the people that support your prime minister versus the people going all in for Donald Trump. I don't know if we have Scientologists in New Zealand. I think we must have. They're

out there, but they'll never beat the cult of rugby. Oh, yes. Yes. I think. I think, if one of the fundamental differences is that between Britain and America and New Zealand is that America's quite a young nation, and essentially it's going through a very tricky adolescence, as discussed, New Zealand, even younger. Still in the childlike idealism phase, we in Britain, we've been through that shit and we know that politics is just about killing time until you die trying to desperately

justify your past behaviour to yourself as you realise that there is essentially no future. So, you know, we're all at different different phases of our evolution. Well, next generations are showing that they don't necessarily fall in line with what their with what their parents believe as well. There's been a big break away in the states of children of Trump supporters, who are now endorsing Biden. There was Claudia Conway, Kelly and Conway's daughter, and she's on TikTok. Which is great because you get a glimpse of what Kelly and

before she was possessed by a 3,000 year old demon who hates truth. It's like watching a pure soul. And then Rudy Giuliani's daughter came out and endorsed Biden as well. She said, if being the daughter of a polarizing mayor who became the president's personal bulldog has taught me anything, it is that corruption starts with yes men and women, the cronies who create an echo chamber of lies and subservience to maintain their proximity to power. I mean, Christmas, Chad. But I mean, I guess, you know, kids turning against what their parents believe in, it's

just a fundamental right of parental passage. I fully expect my kids to turn around at some point in the next 10 years and say, Dad, there's more to life than watching other people play sport. Now, I mean, they'd be wrong, but I will accept that they're going through it. Yeah, a phase. But I guess it's a bit trickier if you are a public part of a political machine that is trying to hoodwink people into voting against their own best interests. If you're own, personally, artisanally, hand-inducted kids aren't even buying it,

I guess it makes it harder to sell to a skeptical public. It's in Kelly and Conway's husbands or so against Trump. Yes. What is going on in that household at like dinner time? Do they just like putt, like that? I feel like that's taking it all right. We're not talking politics at the table. It's from a massive extreme.

LAUGHTER The Russian influences have been in the news with the trick bot, a Russian Trojan thingy that I do not fully understand, that sounds concerning if you're a free and independent democracy fan, has been, has been interfered with by both Microsoft and US cyber command independently of each other. The Washington Post suggested that the Russian trick bot was aiming to so more confusion in the US election. Now that, that is, I mean, you've got to admire the ambition to try and think you can add to the confusion of an American election. That's like trying

to add more detail to the Sagrada Familia Cathedral in Barcelona, more notes to a bar, Piano Recital, or 10 free plankton to a whale's lunchtime happy meal. There is no need, it will make no difference. So yeah, we'll have more in the American election over the next few weeks, not long to go now until all your worst fears are confirmed, stroke a joy, eruption of relief at the election of an old man, and that works for both sides. And so, only for any Trump fans listening to the bugle. Have you got any yet, Chris? Still can't quite crack that demographic, come on.

No, but as pointed out, we do have five Muammar Gagdaffees listening. So there's every chance. Yeah, five Muammar Gagdaffees on our list of voluntary subscribers to join them, go to buglepodcast.com and click the donate button to make a one-off or a curing contribution to keep the show free, independent and thriving. Now obviously with my pessimists hat on and as you know someone who's not not a fan of Trump has probably laid my cards on the table over the last four or five years and my pessimist hat is a reinforced industrial level of safety helmet with a

gas mask attached. I'm just assuming that Trump will win because the betting is still bafflingly close and I'm just a natural pessimist and I'm sure that the year 2020 has got at least one last radioactive turd to power crap because of this year's global cake mix. I just I can't I think it's very dangerous to have any optimism about what do you guys think? The glass is half empty and it's the bit that's left in there is poison, is that what you're saying? Essentially, yes, yeah, that's the, yeah, but it's not half a glass of water. I think whatever happens, America has been pushed to this kind of brinker of like, I don't know that they can come back from in the way that we know America to be.

Like, I saw Biden kind of going, this isn't about red and blue states, this is about the soul of a nation. And I sort of agreed with him on that, but no matter which way it goes down, unless it's like a huge like overwhelming win for Biden, I think any other kind of scenario plays out in like people taking to the streets and it being you know quite a chopsy time. Chopsy, that's a good term for it. That's a lovely you for me as much, it sounds quite fun really. Like a water term for it. That's a lovely you for me as much. It sounds quite fun really. Like a water ride or something.

Trump supporters of the go to the streets, they're the ones with the guns. I think that's the unfair advantage here is that if Trump wins and everyone goes to the street, they're like, ah, I've got a sign, and it's whimsical when the Trump guys are like, no sign, but heavily armed. Well, I mean, looking at some of the signs

that the women's rallies against Trump, one scientist, vote for your daughter's future, to rather charmingly hoping that people vote with even half a thought for the future in modern democracy, and make America think again, and I don't think that is a good idea. I don't think America will like where that process takes it. I think people are forgetting, we used to tease America about being stupid before Trump. Pamela. Yes, dear.

Happy times. I think why do I might win? I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic. So I'm going to go the other way and say, I think you might take it. Well, all I would say to any buglers listening is vote hard and vote often. I'm with Tiff. I reckon it's going to be it's going to be fine Andy. But saying that there's a high chance that we'd

going to be legal in my country by the time it comes around. I'm going to be eating a lot of snacks in the American election as well. Well I guess in terms of people changing their mind, there's no real point stopping supporting Donald Trump now if you've supported him all this. I'll be like breaking into the Natural History Museum at night and then a security guard finding you preparing to have sex with a stegosaurus skeleton. You're not going to back out then, are you? Might as well just go through with it, otherwise it would look weak and weird. So you're just going to plow and say, don't worry, Steggy and I are friends with benefits

is no big deal. I mean, you can't, at this stage, you can't, you can't back out of it. Yeah, I don't think anyone's mind is being changed, although that image is thoroughly fucking disturbing. And okay. Smegasaurus, oh God. Chris putting up naughty messages on the Zoom call.

Sorry. Discracing. Britain news now and while moving across the Atlantic was the country is collapsing in a swab of beffuddlement and resentment about COVID and the latest regulations. The Johnson Junter government has casually dropped the totally predictable bombshell that is set to wander off from Brexit talks without a deal. Basically it just dropped into conversation that, oh yeah, I might have no deal with us. Either, and you can choose one of these two options, either,

betraying all the people who voted for Brexit having told there would definitely be a deal, all the people who believed Johnson when he said that a deal was at Avon Ready, all the people who didn't vote for Brexit, but are still, I believe, legally considered to be human under UK law, and all the people who weren't able to vote you to being too young, not vote enough, or not born, and who might appreciate a productive relationship with a f***ing massive economic powerhouse right on our geographical doorstep, especially given you know all the other shit that's going on, or he finally unleashes Britain from the shackles of Europe to which we've been in chain since 43 AD. You'll call people two sides to every goldfish. It's very hard to know exactly what's going on in these negotiations because obviously they're

not televised, they're secret. So it's really just through leak and counter leak and rumor and counter room. And it could just be Johnson posturing really Boris Johnson posturing and obviously Michael Gove is at the same thing whenever Gove says anything you just assume something else is the truth so you know Michael Gove is just announcing he's gonna have a sandwich for lunch I assume that means all chickens are gonna be fitted with jetpacks before slaughter so it's hard to know what's what's going on Tiff with the Brexit Negotiations. We've largely forgotten about from... I mean, that's the one benefit of COVID, I guess, as we've been able to

ignore Brexit for several months. Don't worry, Andy, resting in competence faces on it. He said we're sort of heading towards a no-deal again. And the thing that's happened just in the last sort of 24 hours is our credit rating has dropped. As a country. Right. Our credit rating has dropped. Like we ordered a shit ton of stuff,

little words catalog, and then defaulted on our payments. Two pairs of knee high boots preventing your ability to lease a car five years later, what are you talking about? Anyway. Anyway. The point is, it doesn't look great, does it? I think combined with the pandemic and the being talk of a recession and bottoming out

basically, Boris is basically, there's kind of like talk of a Canada style Brexit and Australia Brexit. I, you know, at this point, like I remember when it first started, it was like we want a Norwegian Brexit. We want this, but you know, now just flinging around names of countries. Everyone's sort of, I don't even want to say let it go because we've had bigger things to worry about in the face of the pandemic, but you know, and this put like, is it still too late to back out? Like, is there a way back in? Or to back out of backing out? No, I think that is definitely too late.

Can some of the leave a window open a crack? I'm not sure, Windows being left open is a good idea at this stage. Well, I just hope, because there's always, you know, this talks are supposed to end soon. I just hope this isn't gonna be one of those things where you want everything tied up neatly, but instead they leave it open for an unnecessary and inevitably disappointing sequel.

So, you know, we shall, I'm sure our innate British Bulldog spirit will see us through. I guess the problem is that Bulldogs, not always great at complex trade negotiations, I've found. Okay, how about two doggie biscuits and a slice of ham and exchange for you stopping doing that to my leg? It doesn't always work. How are we going to just crying? I think I love the negotiation as just gov and Johnson. Just the door shots and then they just start crying and they're like, please, please, we've promised so much.

You know, like in the spirit of the teens, you know, like when you're a teenager and you talk some real big shit to your mates and your parents are there and then your mates leave and you turn around to your parents are like, please, can't please back up. That's a terrible word I've just said. They think I'm so cool right now, please.

Because they're still trying to exit, and then all the Brits were going on holiday to Europe as well. Yes. A lot of those people still Brexit people as well? Oh, no, I mean, listen, this, when it all first happened, when the referendum happened, we had people with like, kind of no self awareness whatsoever.

There was a couple called Brenda and Barry, who flew back from the Costa del Sol to show their support for Raj and the Brexit party. And this is, we've come, because we want our country back, the one we don't fucking live in anymore. Like, so I think a few of these people like the chickens are coming home to roost, you

know, like they're actually, you know, living in places like France and Spain and stuff and realizing that actually leaving the EU is a kind of two way thing. It's not just about getting Johnny foreigner out of the UK. It means that you can't actually, you't actually have the same reciprocal agreement with those countries yourself. Yeah, but what you're saying there is that we should have thought about the consequences before committing to a course of action. That is naive and old school with all to respect.

Covid update and whilst I've been recording, Wales has announced that it's going into a quote, fire break lockdown from Friday with basically everything shut and offers like reactivated fully. I believe we'll wait to see where the Scotland follows with Hadrian's War. This follows the introduction of a new three-tier, graded lockdown system for England last week. The tiers are medium, large and hide in your Anderson's shelter until further instructions, I believe it's um it's a rather confusing mess tiff but I know you know someone who will surely be able to explain this rather confusing system for our listeners. Oh yeah I had a I had a word with my Scottish boyfriend and he agreed to explain a thing. Lockdown tears! As you're all aware the government in Westminster has implemented a very simple and straightforward 3-tier lockdown system to keep us safe during a second wave. For those of you too thick to understand, I'll simplify it for you. There are 3 tears, medium,

high and very high. Boris has gone for the man in Nando's approach, no such thing as low, your man go online. In tier 1 you can see six folk at a time, well six folk you want to see because if you want to go to the pub you'll see dozens of other folk you did he can, we'll also be there with no more than six folk they can. Diny worry though, because as we all know once s*** have had a couple of pints there in my considerate and unlikely to follow rules. Then of course, at 10pm the pub's shut and you can go and have a street party. Tier 2 is much the same, but you can't see people you like in your house.

You can still see them in the pub though. Tier 3, you can't see six folk in your house, garden or the pub. You have to go to the park or to a street party, Fittair 1. Now obviously, Scotland Wales and Ireland have a slightly different system in place but they're all equally simple to understand and they dovetail perfectly into each other so there's no need to worry about no-saying their family. Great, that is all now. Crystal clear, thanks as always. The Queen was criticized last week for her first public appearance of the pandemic, not wearing a mask. She didn't flip the bird either.

And people said that all the people she met have been tested but it didn't necessarily set you know set a good visual example I would say it is the Queen supposed to set an example is that really her job I know if so if she's such an example we'd all be wearing big flashy hats letting our first born sons take over the family business without so much as an interview trying desperately not to mention our second born sons in public anymore, never voting and expecting to be driven everywhere by someone else. She has a role in this country, but is setting an example that role? You upset that the Queen didn't wear a mask last week?

Well, I just thought it was a missed fashion opportunity. Also there's coding with how the Queen holds her handbag, you see. If she's holding it with two hands, it means get me the fuck away from these plebs, I think, according to the sequence of this. Yes. I don't know, just there's another opportunity to say something, isn't there, with a mask?

So yeah, there's all these very, very, like, yeah. I feel like she could have, I feel like she could have, I feel like she could have sent a strong message or maybe even just printed her face on a mask but just like bigger and that we would have a laugh at that. Or like, not dead yet. Not dead yet, Charles, you know, that kind of thing. If who would have their face printed on a mask?

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh yes, oh, they can, yes, you can, by joining the Breview Premium voluntary subscription, you can get a face mask with my face on it, albeit a logo diversion of my face. Go to thebeaglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Two plugs this week, Chris. That's super more than I usually manage in a month. I'm absolutely loving this. I don't say that in a sex shop in Soho. Sorry, I'll delete that. No.

Well, that brings the end of this week's Bugle. James, thank you for bringing us up today from, rather, rather chirp here, side of the world at the moment. Have you got any other shows you'd like to tell our listeners about? A lot, it's my mental health podcast. It's always available for the rest of the world, if they want to check it out. But, no, otherwise, a lot on a personal note, guys.

I know it's really should over there. And jokes aside, I hope all the listeners here are going and supporting you both by getting your merchandise or buying whatever they can from you. Right well since you mentioned merchandise we do have we do actually have some merchandise at the moment thanks for seeing that up James. Go to the google podcast.com and click the merch button for your selection of exciting T-shirts. I hear those T-shirts. I hear those masks.

Christmas jumpers. Yeah, Christmas jumpers are now fully available Chris. They are, yes, in store now. In store now. Selling out. We bought more. We had to get more. Oh, awesome. Tiffany shows you'd like to plug.

Oh, well, I've got some online ones coming up, but if you follow me on Twitter at tips, Stevenson, you'll get them there. Also, my special is still available to buy on Vimeo for a five-hour madman, and actually there's quite a lot of stuff in that that when I sort of wrote it, I think it was in 2015, 2016, that has sort of become relevant again. So if you're interested, go watch that, you can download it on Vimeo here. Five English pounds, I don't know what that would be

in any other currency. F***ing Bio album. Bro, as we say it. Yeah. Thank you very much for listening. Bueglis, we will now play you out with some more lies about our premium level of volunteer skyscrapers. Gareth Colwell wonders why so many British Prime Ministers have names that work as Spoonerisms.

In the last 50 years alone, notes Gareth, we've had Broaden Gown, Baloney Tere and Head Teeth. Going further back, I would add Lona Bore to that list, but for the fact that his actual name, Bonelor, needs no alteration, obviously. Inspired by this, Rachel Stern wonders if the current Canadian Prime Minister will ever run a public information campaign urging his people to have faith in martial arts. Rachel says, I can see the trust in judo slogan working really well for him. Ray Wall thinks it must be massively tempting for archaeologists to claim they've found 30,000 year old scratches on rocks in any cave somewhere. Her thinking is threefold, A, it makes archaeologists

feel good about themselves, B, seriously who's actually actually going to check, and see prehistoric people are generally quite shit at art, so it's quite easy to fake. Renata Strouda takes a slightly different view of Paleolithic art, and says, maybe the reason we think that Paleolithic artists were all a bit rubbish with all due respect, was that actually the bits that we found were from pre-school and kindergarten classes. It all makes sense, simple animals, handprints, and basic stickmen. I can't believe no one's claimed this before, concludes Renata. Further support for Renata's theory is positive by none other than Sarah Bebe, who points out wisely that most of the prehistoric doorbings we find are in caves.

Think about it, says Sarah. If you are a hard-working stone-ager and had to put your kids in nursery while you went out to work, you'd want them to be in a safe place that reduced the chances of your nippers being eaten by a dinosaur or whatever. So of course, you'd probably booked them into a nursery in a cave complex, wouldn't you? It's obvious. Ben Friedman speculates further that the reason we don't have any of the higher quality and more commercial art, from 10 to 40,000 years ago, is that it was all bought up by private collectors. Ben suggests it's probably all hidden in vaults somewhere, like so much of our more modern

art is, for no real reason. For his part, Tom Perry has had enough of people banging on about how rubbish prehistoric art is. Tom Blast's, at least they didn't just put a pile of ammonites on the still warm corpse of an elk that's been savaged by a saber-tooth tiger and called it the lonely ambition of the heartbroken soul or something. They did art that people could understand, oh look, it looks like a bison. Well guess what, it is a bison. Thank you. Patrick Hogan thinks we've interpreted cave paintings wrong in any case. I think they were storyboards for action films, argues Patrick, mostly involving bison or other

things with scary horns understandably, write what you know as they say. Sadly argues Patrick, mostly involving Bison or other things with scary horns, understandably, right what you know as they say. Sadly concludes Patrick, they lacked the equipment to actually make all the films they plotted out in their caves, but clearly there were some real blockbusters in the pipeline. That makes sense, says Harnie Salam. We're actually more closely aligned to these people commercially and creatively than we think notes, honey. Just look at how they found a winning formula and then just kept churning out sequels and minor variations of the same thing, just like we do. Peas in an evolution of civilization, report.

Obviously, if you've had a hit with Bison, Horned Avenger, you're going to follow it up with Bison too. Big fur is back. Kyle Livingston claims, I studied at University without sounding entirely convincing. Kyle continues, and they didn't stop there, after the success of Big Fur is back, obviously there came Bison 3, step it up, and that title works better written down to be honest, and the controversial Bison 4, so horny, and Bison 5, still so horny, not to mention other franchises, continues Kyle, like Orroki, and one-off slug,

school of Orroki. Here endeth, this week's lies. Bye bye! Still listening.