The Bugle - HAPPY 250th USA

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

To celebrate and commemorate the USA 250th birthday producer Harry has gone back through the archives to find some classic Bugle USA clips from the Pig War and Obama's election, to US Espionage and the Fuckeulogy of Osama Bin Laden PLUS a special presidential pun-run from Andy! There you go, what a show it was. Now please help us stay alive by donating at thebuglepodcast.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers. I am Andy Zaltzman and welcome to Bugle issue 4,384 sub-episode B, for Because I'm unable to record a full episode this week, here is an America's 250th anniversary special. We have for you this week a selection of America-themed treats from the Bugle Archives to mark the USA's first quarter of a millennium

at the end of a rocky probation period as an indie. The episode involves all the classic things that we've come to associate with the world's richest, most indebted, most brilliant, most idiotic and most contradictory nation. War, democracy, extrajudicial assassinations, spying and, of course, sport. Before we start, whilst you're A, listening to this, and B, contemplating how quickly time flies,

it barely seems like yesterday that America was still a pristine landmass untouched by colonialism, can I suggest that you join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme? Let me answer that. Yes, I can. Whether you take me up on that suggestion, that's up to you. You are wonderful listeners, have kept us going for the last 15 years, basically, since Times Online

off-boarded us, I think that's the term. That's 6% of an independent America's entire history. To make sure we're still here for the remaining 6% and beyond, become a Bugle voluntary subscriber. Details on the website, the buglepodcast.com. Aside from the warm glow of heroism that you will inevitably feel as a bugle voluntary subscriber, you also get access to the universe exclusive almost monthly Ask Andy Show, in which I, Andy Zaltman, answer,

your questions, sometimes truthfully. Back to the USA now, and we'll begin with some spying news from October 2013. Here I am with John Oliver. Top story this week. Spying update. Everybody snoops. It's got to the point now, Andy, where if you live anywhere in the world and the NSA is not monitoring your phone and emails, you should probably feel deeply hurt, or at the very At least you should check to see that you're still alive. The reason we're still finding out about this is that Edward Snowden has been continually leaking away like a BP oil rig, constantly with significant consequences and with no clear way to stop it,

short of shoving a cork in the USB drive of his laptop. The latest revelations showed that the NSA has been monitoring the phone calls of 35 world leaders, including Germany's Angela Merkel, the news of which is likely to have pissed off at least 35 people, including Germany's Angela Merkel. Although I will say, Andy, monitoring that last one, I don't really have a problem with.

I still think that monitoring the German leader, however dubiously, is significantly safer than not monitoring a German leader. And I think deep down, even though she's justifiably upset about this, Andy, she can probably understand that. This is an outrage.

Vot gives this foreign agencies a right to tap my personal phone. I cannot possibly let's... Well, yes, we did some. is that? We did do it, yes. It was a long time ago, but when you put it like that, it was, I guess, less than a hundred years. Okay, in your position, I would probably do the same thing.

Probably. Because it's a very valid point, John. A German newspaper described the monitoring of Merkel's mobile phone as, quote, the greatest conceivable affront. To which America presumably replied, come on, guys, you of all people should be able to see this in some kind of historical context. on the affront scale, sure, it's not exactly not an affront,

but it's also not starting a war on a front and then another front. Nothing about this is particularly surprising. I think everyone probably assumed that every country is trying to do stuff like this, and the surprise is not so much that the US was successful, but that the president at least claims he didn't know anything about it. Now, that seems bad in almost every possible way that you can explain it. It's bad if he signed off on it and has now been caught, and it's also bad if he didn't sign off on it

and has now been caught not knowing about it. The president either comes out of this looking shady or incompetent, and he's got a two-item menu of options in response to this. He's either going to have to eat an entire humble pie or an entire humiliation omelet, and neither is going to be particularly easy to swallow. I guess the defence for America is to say something like, come on, it's nothing that George Orwell hadn't already made up in a novel

more than 60 years ago. And also, the old classic, no smoke without fire defence. But I guess given the existence of smokeless fuels, you do also need to check everywhere there isn't smoke as well as where there is smoke just to see whether or not there might be a fire there that is burning with an invisible flame, as some fires do.

So I think, I mean, that is America's defence, and you just cannot be too careful. And also America is a Christian country would say, well, if Jesus had only surveillance Judas Iscarat, properly, he'd still be alive today. Oh, that is a good point. Wow, that is a persuasive argument, Andy. Now, the implication is that the President went

nearly five years without knowing that his own spies were bugging the phones of world leaders. Officials stated that the NSA has, and I quote, so many eavesdropping operations underway, that it wouldn't have been practical to brief him on all of them. Well,

that is the opposite of reassuring, Andy. Listen, if we were going to start telling him everything, we're doing that he might not be comfortable with. We'd be in the Oval Office all week. I haven't got time for that. My daughter has a softball game on Thursday. And he hasn't got time for that either. He's busy. Malia's got

the flu. I know that for sure, because I've been listening to his phone calls. The White House moved quickly to deny that it was actively monitoring Merkel's phone. The White House spokesman, Jay Carney, a man who has one of the worst jobs in the world, said the President assured the Chancellor

that the United States is not monitoring and will not monitor the communication of the Chancellor. Okay, okay, that's good. That's two out of three. And he does seem to be missing a crucial tense there. Is not monitoring? Good.

Will not better. What about did not? What about that? Because that's like being asked at a murder trial. Did you kill that woman? And saying, put it this way. I am not killing her now and I will not kill her in the future.

I think that answers your question. I'm a free to go now. The scale of it is extraordinary, John. I read that the NSA monitored 60 million Spanish phone calls in a month. That is 2 million phone calls a day. That is half a million phone calls per working hour in Spain, John. That just seems too many. It is amazing.

There was a selection of stories. The Anglo Merkel story was broken by the German newspaper Der Spiegel, which is German for the Spiegel, they reported that from back in 2002, Merkel's calls were either recorded or monitored by NSA officials. And how would the president not have been aware of that, Andy? Surely at some point he must have asked if they added any information on how Germany might be about to vote in the EU resolution,

and his voice had said, I'm not sure, but Merkel's definitely ordering a pizza right now, so I take that into account. And he clearly said, okay, that seems like a very personal piece of information, gathered in a way that I have absolutely no interest in uncover it. As you say, it didn't stop there. The French newspaper, Le Monde, which is French for The Monde,

ran a story that the US government had monitored millions of phone calls in France, and the next day, El Mundo, the Spanish paper meaning the Mundo, reported, as you say, that the NSA tracked tens of millions of phone calls texts and emails of Spanish citizens, all of which apparently went quiet for four hours at the middle of the day. I'm agreeing with you, Andy, I'm saying the Spanish like to nap. They love a snooze, Andy, almost as much as they love being chased by bulls. In fact, when they're being chased by balls, they're thinking about snoozing.

And when they're snoozing, Andy, they're dreaming about being chased by balls. That's just a fact. That's a Spain fact, Andy. You give them a red blanket and they'll be torn about whether to wave it at a bull or curl up underneath it. Spain fact. For those of you who've not read any Hemingway, that's basically his entire earth for some up. As well as snooping on other people, another thing America has never been shy of is a completely pointless war. Back in June 2009, John and I examined one of the all-time classics

from America's pugilistic back catalogue, the Pig War of 1859. Bugle feature section now, and this week's feature section is, great moments in history that happened 150 years ago to the day. On the 15th of June, 1859, John, almost exactly 150 years ago, give or take the odd second. Britain and America went to war about a pig. The total casualties of this war won, the pig. It was known as the pig war, less of a war, more of a preparation for a barbecue.

Just to interrupt before you go on here, this is going to sound this story like something you've made up. I realise Andy has been a bullshit crop sprayer. Throughout the history of these 78 bugles, this is actually a historic fact. And you can look that up. It's not something that Andy has also managed to release previously on the internet

to back up his bullshit claims. This actually happened. Andy, please, carry on. Well, it all kicked off, John, on the disputed island of San Juan between Vancouver Island and mainland North America. When an American farmer called Cutler found a pig on his land, scoffing its chops, rooting around, and generally being a pig. A man standing by a fence laughed, apparently.

Cutler got the hump and shot the pig. Bang, oink, splat. Uh-oh, looks like war. Well, the owner of the pig was an Irish cat named Griffin, and he was a bit narmed off about his pig being shot. He went up to Cutler and Cutler said, Oops, mate, I shot your pig. And Griffin responded, yes, mate, you shot my f***ing pig.

Cutler responded, yep, how about to give you ten bucks and we call it quits? Griffin shook his head. 100 and I'll think about it. 100 bucks for a dead pig? No, 100 bucks for shooting a live pig. No, I'm not paying that, said Cutler. The pig-faced little barser was trespassing on my land. Got off lightly, if you asked me.

got off lightly, he's dead now he's just sausages in waiting well said Cutler he was eating my potatoes well said Griffin it's up to you to keep your potatoes out of my pig That's a direct quote That is a direct it sounds like something You've made up

That is a great argument Up to you to keep your potatoes Out of my pig So Cutler presumably responded Well I told my potatoes not to go in the pig And Griffin hit back Well you clearly didn't tell them clearly enough Well maybe you should have told your pig

not to let my potatoes into its fat mouth. Right, blasted Griffin, must ask, quivering with porkine fury. I've had enough of this. I'm calling the police. Right, said Culler. Well, I'm calling the army. Yeah, said Griffin. Well, I'm calling the police, the army, the army, and the navy. And Culler respondent, well, I'm calling the police, the army, the Navy, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

We'll have a job getting here in time. Yeah, well, I'm calling them anyway. They don't exist yet. It's war, mate. It's war. So anyway, one thing led to another, and a few weeks later, there were 460 American soldiers with 14 cannons facing off against five British warships with 70 guns and 2,100 men because of a dead pee.

The governor of Vancouver Island ordered the British Admiral in charge to attack. The Admiral said, I think that might be a bit foolish, Governor. It's a pig we're talking about. And the Governor replied, yeah, it's a pig today, but next time they'll be hoisting Queen Victoria's head on a big American spike before using it as a football. The Admiral hit back. No, they won't. It's the wrong shape.

It's not round enough to play football with. Well then, they'll probably invent some new form of football with a more head-shaped ball just to have an excuse for chopping Her Majesty's nut off. You'd get all right, Governor, put your sword away and get back in your bath. For two nations to go to war over a squabble about a pig would be very much eating from the silly side of the pizza, said the Admiral. Oh, bullocks, I wanted to go down in history of the Governor who sparked a cataclysmic global conflict and the end of humanity

that all started with a greedy pig eating some spuds. Could just insult them instead if you want, said the Admiral. I suppose that'll do, said the Governor. But I want us to throw some good stuff at them. I want our boys to call them... ass wipes, shit buckets, mongoose humpers and imperial strength twat faces. Right, oh boss, I'll get them to it. So for some days, the soldiers on both sides have been instructed not to fire shots at each other,

instead held insults at each other. What a war, John. How much nicer would the First World War have been with swearing instead of bullets? That would have been great. English and the Germans just trash talking. Your mama jokes. Soaring across the trenches. It would have essentially had the same.

end result. Britain would have just had that fractionally deeper resource of insults than Germany. So for some days they hurled insults to each other, then as inevitably happens when someone's pig gets shots by a farmer, the American president became involved. Despite this, peace broke out and a deal was reached where the two countries shared the island. Until in 1872, the German Kaiser Wilhelm I was called upon to resolve once and for all whose island it was. He plumped for America, Britain was not pleased and in revenge allowed international relations develop in such a way over the next 42 years that Germany was goaded into starting two world wars that almost destroys humanity. All because of a pig.

A surprising amount of that was fact, John. A very surprising amount. What a war. Greatest war ever fought. Sadly, not all wars are quite as minor as the pig war, and America has occasionally managed to distract itself periodically from actual wars with the classic war minus the shooting, in other words, sport. In February 2008 for the first time, the bugle previewed

the Super Bowl. And now in a unique development in the history of broadcasting, two sections of the Buell are merged into one. It's Ask an American Sport. So we have the American here. He is wearing an American football helmet, a basketball vest, and is swinging a baseball bat around the studio, smashing everything he sees.

Hello, American. It's great to have you here. Hey, how you doing? So as American, you are a fan of sports, I presume. Fan. I eat and breathe sports every day. It's all I do. And there's a huge sporting day, of course, which is coming up for us now, but we'll have just happened when this people goes out, and that is Super Bowl Sunday.

Now, what on earth is that about? Well, first of all, it's beyond a huge sporting day. It's one of the most important days in the entire year for the whole world because it's the world championship of the greatest sport ever invented football, the good kind. We didn't get to enter that. No British team has entered. You have to understand this. We call it the world championship, because there's just an assumption

that no one else in the world could beat any of our teams. And I think at this point, if anyone could, they probably would have stepped up to the plate. But nobody has. So up to your world. You want to challenge the New York Giants with the New England Patriots to football, American football? Go ahead. Do it.

See what happens. See if you win. You too, Canada. You're invited too. And that's a rare thing for me to invite Canada anywhere. Now, for those you that don't know, the Super Bowl this year will be fought between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. Now, as a British person, my problem with the New England and Patriots isn't just sporting, it's primarily history-based.

I don't know if anyone out there knows, but I'm more of a New York kind of guy. New England is not my favorite place on Earth, but it's still better than Old England. Oh, come on. It's true. I mean, believe me, there's a lot of improvements that need to be made to New England. I wouldn't ever compare York to New York, because that's obviously, there's no need. Yeah, you know, New England, it's like they took England, they polished it up a little bit. You know, they sassed up the accent, and they went on with the thing, and they have a decent

team this year that, you know, they haven't lost yet. That's their whole thing. Oh, we haven't lost, so we're really good. And that doesn't mean anything to me because they're playing the New York Giants. What was your recommendations be for watching the Super Bowl as citizens of the world? I mean, how should we watch a game that doesn't really make sense to us? We take it pretty seriously. We do stuff like we grill sausage before the game. And, you know, sometimes we'll just sit in the park. We love sitting in parking lots in general and eating meat. That's like a big thing here in America. So my suggestion to people in England or anywhere in the world would be First thing you want to do is find a nice big parking lot

Okay Second you want to get a big truck of some kind that, you know, uses a lot of gas or petrol, whatever the hell you call it. Yeah. And then what you want to do is sit out behind the truck You can lift the exhaust going, it doesn't really matter Cut like some kind of a barbecue pit and just start cooking meat. I would recommend sausage. Sit in parking lot, eat some meat and then enjoy the game.

Right. And is it true that if you cook the right kind of sausage on the right kind of barbecue and then slice it open you can predict the result of the game from the inside of the sausage what it looks like yeah that that's a fact you probably have read that article I wrote

for the new only journal of medicine that never got published this is true if the sausage splits to the left the home team I would say 40% of the time will lose also of course the soup bowl is technically on at 1 in the morning in terms of the correct time for the world

That's quite late to be eating large quantities of meat. First of all, no, it's not. Large quantities of meat can be eaten at any time. Oh, right. I didn't realize that. Yeah, that's just, well, of course it didn't. Second of all, yeah, I don't know why you guys would do that. I also don't understand why your time's so screwed up. I don't know why it would be six hours ahead of us.

I mean, it doesn't make sense. It's like our time is the world's time. Britain invented time. Before Britain came into being in 1066, there was no time. that's why the Roman Empire lasted so long I don't want to start debating history with you but I can tell you this we invented the clock

okay but I mean what do you think of our sports the real football and cricket real football you guys are adorable with that I'll tell you when I was a kid I played soccer you know and I think as far as you know kid sports go it's fun

you run around a little bit you got the shin guards on I'm saying when you grow up you become a man you want to play a man sports something that you can you know really get hurt playing. What about rugby, American? Be very excited, if you like manned sport so much about the start of the Six Nations Championship. What's your predictions, bearing in mind that this being recorded before the

Six Nations games? What do you think is going to happen in the first weekend? Well, I would tell you this about the Six Nations games. There's probably six mediocre nations involved, because I don't think America's involved in that. So, right out of the gate, I would change the title to like six, you know, decent nations games. And if they're playing rugby, you know, Yeah, that's a good sport. It's a fun. Again, that's like, you know, Sunday afternoon, you're out with your friends,

you drink a few beers, you tackle each other. I'm surprised that you don't like rugby more because you've got all the violence and the contact of American football with none of the vital medical protection. You get to bite each other's ears in rugby. And if you tried that in American football, you just get a mouth full of helmets. That's true. That's true.

But I got to tell you this, the thing that doesn't appeal to me about rugby is there's no good sponsors. Like, I watch football, and I'm going to see, like, a lot of really funny beer ads, you know? So even in between the ball. plays. I'm laughing and I'm entertained. Where, like, maybe a truck at, maybe I'll see a truck pull like a, pull an airplane or something, you know?

Which is, believe me, if you're going to own a pickup truck, it should be able to pull an airplane. I mean, that's a relevant thing for it to be able to do. What about the complexities and the storytelling of cricket? Again, this, you know, cricket to me, it's like you took baseball, you screwed with a little bit, and now you have a weird game. I don't understand. We made a perfectly good game. Baseball.

It's perfect. You invent a game like baseball. And then you, you know, then it gets, it's like that game, telephone when you're a kid, I whisper something in your ear and it comes out a little bit differently. That's what cricket is to me. I don't even understand. Is that what you call that game, telephone? Yeah, where you whisper in somebody's ear.

You never played that when you were a kid? It's like that's what I did when I was a kid. I played soccer and telephone. Those are like the two things that went hand in hand. We call, this is true, we call that game Chinese whispers, which I think it's probably a little more racist. Yeah, it is a little bit more racist. But, you know, but again, America is not really a racist country. So we would never have a game called Chinese Whispers.

Our country's not founded on racism. Our country's founded on old-fashioned American ethics. In your appearances on the bugle, you've made some outlandish claims, and I think that is your most outlandish clone. Check the history books. Look up a holiday like Thanksgiving. It's Indians and white people eating a good meal together. That's all it is.

And then afterwards they said, this is good food. Take some of our land. Enjoy it. We'll move west. Whatever's good for you. That turkey was so delicious. We succeed all demands over this territory. Yeah.

They're like, what do you want? Kentucky? Give us more turkey. Just name a state. Make a state. We don't care. Just draw weird lines on the map, and it's yours. Just give us more of that delicious food.

And in the future, some casino. What is your prediction for the game, American? Quick prediction. Yeah. I would say New York, 78. Wow. New England, three. Wow.

But look, I'm just reading the sausages here. I don't know what to tell you. Right, I think we're going to have to wrap up the Ask an American sports section there. American, thank you, as always. No problem, go, Jane. Skipping forward to 2011 now, and early in May that year,

America finally got rid of its long-standing official number one ranked baddie. Well, I think it's pretty clear that one story has been understandably dominating the news this week, which is why we're devoting this entire episode of The Beagle so far to our top story. this week, ding-dong, the is dead. But a boom, boom, boom,

another one bides the dust. Shot in the eye, and you're to blame. You give a bad name. This is not so much a tribute episode to Bin Laden as a special f-eulogy to the big man. I'm glad you enjoyed that. I did thoroughly enjoy it. I expect to see that in a dictionary

near me within two years. Andy, you ended the last bugle by saying that after the royal wedding, the world had nothing to look forward to anymore. And while yes, Saturday in itself was quite boring, apart from Chelsea tightening the gap on the premiership title race,

you have to admit that Sunday really delivered what with that whole killing of the most wanted terrorist on the planet thing. That's right. Osama bin Laden, the former leader of Al-Qaeda and former living inhabitants of the planet Earth, was forced to surrender both of those titles around the time that a bullet

developed a very strong attraction to his face. And he was a tall, handsome man, Bin Laden, Andy, but I have to admit that I always thought that he'd look even better if he'd consider getting his left eyebrow pierce with a bullet. And I think I was right about that. I think his face was successfully accessorized with a piece of high-speed, pointy metal jewellery.

It's a funny old world, though, wasn't it, John? Because last week, most wanted man in the world, this week, a seriously malfunctioning submarine. And fish food. So, yeah, it just goes to show upon a slender threads. So, you know, he's gone from, you know, he's the leader of the world's most tedious minority interest pressure group. A man five times voted least cuddlable dude by Tuchy-feely Monthly magazine.

The man commonly known as a man, commonly known as the rowdy Saudi, Terry the terrorist, the mighty douche, the Tora Bora law-ignorer, and the angry turnip. He had his clogs forcibly popped by American Special Forces, and I do wish that Barack Obama had used those words.

Yeah, absolutely. We have popped his clogs. It certainly feels like a much more pleasant globe to live on this week without Bin Laden living on it too. It's like when a terrible neighbour moves away and property prices and adjacent properties automatically go up. By dying, Bin Laden has effectively gentrified this entire planet.

To prove this, upon news of his death, the stock market went up and oil prices went down, as if collectively everyone agreed that things had just got slightly better, as if the world breathed a side of relief and together muttered, oh good, that is good. Now, I don't know where you were when you found out, Andy, I'm guessing you were asleep, but I just finished watching 60 minutes

and was checking in with the Mets Phillies game when it became clear that something very important was about to happen and the president was going to address the nation and after watching him announce that America had successfully located and killed Bin Laden, I started watching the news and then I flipped through the channels a couple of hours later to see that the Mets were still playing the Phillies. It was the 14th inning and they had resumed the game

and most of the crowd was still there And not only were they still there, they were watching the game with complete concentration. And I've got to say, as a sports fan, I find that so impressive. Remember, this is a meaningless game at the start of May between one team which will challenge for the World Series and one that will not make the playoffs. To care about that at all is a challenge. To care about that when it's just been announced that Bin Laden has been killed is fucking incredible.

The CIA's most wanted man has literally just been assassinated, and you are rooting for Raul Ibanez to get a base hit. I think my favourite reaction from all this actually came from the Mets manager after the game because people in sports just cannot help themselves but speaking cliches and that's never more exposed than the moment of deep, genuine significance. And in the post-game press conference, Terry Collins said this.

He said, well, this is a good win for us and obviously a huge win for America tonight. He should have carried up. on that thought. You know, I think America really answered the critics tonight. Many have said that, you know, to go on a nine-year streak of not killing Bin Laden was a slump we were never going to get out of, but I, for

one, had nothing but faith in us as a team, and I knew if we just kept swinging, kept focused, we'd get that hit. As for the future, who knows what that holds? I'm just concentrating on a home series against the Giants next week. Thank you. No questions. I'll take it as well, Al-Qaeda had a press conference,

at which they say, well, there's a lot of positives we can take away from this. Obviously, we're disappointed to lose, Ozzie, but we'd like to see it more as an opportunity for someone else to step up to the plate and deliver. Of course, the best place to have heard the news would undoubtedly have been Tampa, Florida, in the middle of the crowd of a live WWE wrestling event. How do I know this? That's a fair question. Because I saw a clip on YouTube of a shirtless John Sina addressing the Tampa crowd to deliver the news at the end of about, saying, I'm extremely proud

after 10 months of being your WWE champion, I walk out every night with hustle, loyalty and respect on my sleeve. It's worth pointing out that at that point, he was sleeveless. He went... He went...

They're not the names of his dogs, tattooed onto his arm. No, no, no. The president has just announced, he went on to say, that we have caught and compromised to a permanent end, Asama bin Laden.

Andy, that is magnificent rhetoric from the four-time tag team champion, inventor of the twisting belly-to-belly-belly suplex, and self-styled doctor of thuganomics. In fact, all of those things are true. In fact, if I'm honest, I prefer what John Sena said to the president's speech. Courts and compromise to a permanent end,

that is linguistically sensational. In fact, that phrase is not all that the president should have borrowed. I think he should also have walked into the east room of the White House and said, I walk out every night with hustle, loyalty and respect on my sleeve. I think he should also have done that shirtless in a pair of cut-off jeans holding a wide microphone before leaving to rock music and fireworks. I don't think anyone would have begrudged him that. Well, that was May 2011, two and a half years, or exactly 100 bugle episodes before then, Barack Obama became the first person born after

1946 to become US president. He is still the only person born after 1946 to become US president, which tells its own sad story. Now that might not have been his most notable first as president, and here's how the bugle reported on this major moment of American history in November

2008. So, well, there's only one place to start this weekend, what a moment for the world. John, a historic moment of young, charismatic, eloquent, mixed race man, who's excited and inspired the world throughout the year has broken through the barricades of history to become Formula One world champion. No, Andy, no, that is not the top story.

Isn't it? I like sport. That is not the top story. Right. What is the top story then? The top story this week is what else, Andy? USA! USA! Greatest country in the world, Andy. Greatest country in the world until the dust settles and the reality of the current situation starts to sink in. But no one's thinking about that now and rightly so. one, baby. Woo! So it must have been pretty exciting to be in America for the election, John.

It was extremely exciting, Andy. Barack Obama, or to give him his full name, President Barack Obama, or to give him his middle name as well, President Barack, holy f***ing shit, I can't believe that this has actually happened, Obama, became the president-elect of the United States of America, and lo, just over half of the nation, went bat-shit crazy. My only concern, Andy, is that America has experienced such incredible mood swings in the last year

and is set for a lot more before and then immediately after January the 20th. Most doctors would probably argue that America is currently at risk of becoming bipolar. This nation is exhibiting the classic behaviour of a manic depressive. The highs are incredibly high, such as Tuesday night, and the lows have been incredibly low, such as the last eight years, with Michael Phelps thrown in there as well. Well, John, it was a pretty decisive victory. It was a margin of defeat that even the Republicans couldn't win with.

And, you know, when you look back now at the campaign, John, I think there's a number of turning points. And I think probably the key turning point was just towards the end of September when Obama was struggling a bit. And I did a gig for the Democrats abroad organisation at the Soho Theatre in London. Really? In front of about 120 people. And if you think back to the end of September,

McCain had about a 15 to 18 point lead in most polls, I think. No. Well, you know, let's say that he did. So I think my gig really, really swayed things. Well, I mean, they can't just have been a coincidence. No. I mean, it could have been, but not really. Obama delivered his victory speech in Chicago's historic Grant Park to an adoring crowd, walking onto the stage

with his ridiculously photogenic family. They're a good-looking bunch, the Obama's Andy. I'm pretty sure there's a photographer's wall somewhere that they're supposed to be on. Every time you see them standing together, it's like they're painted in watercolour. There should be a still-life plant, wilting lightly behind them,

and maybe a naked, 60-year-old retiree life model with this wang hanging out. Obama very impressively managed to resist the temptation to begin his speech with, OK, America, let me lay you on a secret. I am actually a Muslim, and I do hate America. Here's your new Secretary of State, Louis Farrakar.

Well, that would have been a real showstopper, literally probably, a showstopper. I think the only thing he could have under Trump that's was to admit that he had blacked up for the entire campaign which I think would have punctured the enthusiasm a bit but I guess his point would have been, judge me on my character. It would have been a relief to about 49% of the country. This was a night that few people thought they'd live to see,

including Obama himself, who said, I was never the likeliest candidate for this office, we didn't start with much money or many endorsements. And now look at him, Andy, he has spent more money on his campaign than any of, candidate in history had almost every celebrity endorsement except for John Voight and Kelsey Grammar and even had Oprah in the crowd in front of him standing in the cold. That was a moment that most people found almost more unbelievable than anything else. Really, Obama? You're

making Oprah stand out in the cold. After all the money that she's given you, you can't even get the Queen of America a backstage pass. She should have had a throne right in front of the stage. For shame, Mr President. as Secretary of State. She's someone who the world can relate to, who the world already respects and knows. And I just can't think of any better candidate. There were many, many prominent African-American figures in the crowd,

including a tearful Jesse Jackson, who was visibly overcome by the moment. But was also overheard muttering, the most incredible thing about tonight is, I still want to cut his nuts off. What's wrong with me? Jesse Jackson also said, Now I can look my grandchildren in the eye

and tell them that if they want to, they can be president too. And I thought this was a slight concerning for the world, John. I had no idea that Jesse Jackson actually wielded that much executive power. And, you know, it's a great moment in democratic history, Obama's election. And straight away, Jackson is trying to hijack it for the benefit of his own grandchildren. Makes me sick. Keep it in the family.

And the last time a president was accused of fathering black children, Thomas Jefferson, he kept pretty stump about it. And it's great to see that Obama has the confidence to parade his proudly around on world television. Shows how much America has changed in the last 200 years. The most touching moment was perhaps when Obama spoke to his daughters, saying Sasha and Malia, I love you more than you can imagine. And you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House. Fathers across the globe all instantly started feeling like bad parents,

because that is holding your children to a very high standard. You can have a puppy if and when you help get me elected president. Most parents give their kids puppies just for not drinking milk through their nose. Well, I think it's quite encouraging as well, John, that Obama was showing that he's going to reach. across the political divide and keep some of the good bits of the Bush administration and I think, you know, the world has probably

agreed there has only been one good bit and that is the White House Dogs Christmas video. There you go. So, it's good that he's big enough just to not chuck everything out indiscriminately. That's right, absolutely. But the night wouldn't have been complete without some trademark Obama hyperbole.

He addressed his campaign team at one point, saying, to the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics, you made this happen. Whoa, there. The entire history of politics. I'd just like to say to my campaign team, you made Caesar's campaign team look like a giant group of douchebags. Seriously, you made the people around Alexander the Great look like clowns,

and bad clowns, like fat old clowns that should have retired years ago. Tired birthday clowns whose balloon animals all look pornographic. You're the greatest. Well, I guess, you know, part of his appeal to the world, and there's been amazing scenes all around the world. In fact, in Britain, following the November the 4th election, the next day on November the 5th, fireworks displays all around the country to celebrate.

I guess it's because everyone around the world feels able to relate to Barraca Palmer. I feel this, John. I feel I've got a lot in common with him. I've got a white mother. My father is from Africa, albeit South Africa. Well, yeah. Same continent. Yep.

My wife's a lawyer. I have a daughter. I don't really like terrorists. I've got relatives whose lives I have absolutely none. idea about. I had quite an odd-shaped head as a kid. And above all, I think this is where me and Obama really link on a spiritual level. This is spooky, Andy. Where we really link on a spiritual level is I too know what it's like, just like he does to stand up in front of a crowd and speak for an hour and not get any laughs. I know outdoor gigs are tough John, but he got nothing.

Lots of applause, but no laughs. And he was really making points more than cracking jokes, and I'm just not really sure that's comedy, to be honest. At one point he spoke of a 106-year-old voter called Anne Nixon Cooper and all the changes that she'd seen in her life, saying, if my daughter should be so lucky as to live as long as her, what change will they see? What progress will we have made? And as one, we all knew what he was talking about, Andy. Rocket boots.

That's his mission. For Kennedy, it was the moon. For Obama, it's an affordable, fully working rocket boot. That's what America needs. transport, we can believe it. Come on, America. If we can dream it, we can do it. So, well, I guess, and that's the problem, John, is expectation management is going to be difficult. As Norman Maylor himself said, expectation like an exploding rhinoceros is a dangerous beast. Well, he might have said it. I didn't spend a lot of time with him. Now he's dead, so I guess we'll never know. But I guess, you know, there's so much excitement about having a president who talks

like presidents talk in TV drama series. And, you know, people will be expecting, expecting him to come up with a scientific formula for turning bread into sandwiches. And basically, John, these are really tough times to be a pessimist at the moment. Yeah. You really have to dig deep to really see the worst in this. That's right. I mean, there's no doubt. There is going to be an inevitable anti-climax. Well, pessimists can come back from under their rock.

But for now, for now it's really good for at least a while, even though it may be transient, even though it may be ultimately hopeless to see the good in things. Eight years later in 2016, the bugle had just come back from a prolonged break, just in time to see America begin the process of self-immolation that continues to this day. But I'm sure you've probably heard enough about L Trumpista recently, so instead, here is a special Where Are They Now section about some American icons from episode 4,002, our second episode back. Bugle feature section now, and this week we have a Where Are They Now section,

catching up with the stars of yesterday to find out what they get up to these days, beginning with the stars of the hit TV show Friends. And, well, I'm sure many of you are wondering what happened to the stars from Friends. Well, I've done a bit of research. And Joey, the former actor, hit the skids after the spin-off series Joey ended, appeared then in a borderline pornographic Bolivian art house film about a fictionalized meeting between the frustrated

ahead of the landlocked Bolivian Navy and the sex-obsessed Russian Empress Catherine the Greats, in which Joey played both lead roles, ended up, sadly, running guns across the Mexican border for a Swiss Army hedge fund. Rachel gave up her career in the retail sector to fulfil a lifelong dream of becoming a professional snooker umpire. She's rumoured to have engineered the fallout

between Michaela Tab and the WPBSA in 2015 that resulted in Michaela Tab no longer officiating WPBSA tournaments to concoct an opening for a new woman. to officiate in top-level ranking tournaments. But only then Rachel, she sadly suffered a slip disc on the eve of that season's Malta Open whilst doing a Nadia Cominette's impression in a local gymnastics karaoke bar.

Currently, back in America, teaching vegans to scream at hamburger vans. Ross, meanwhile, disappear without trace. Ross, not even the actor. Ross disappeared without trace after breaking up with Rachel over his full-back Mitt Romney tattoo that he got to in a build-up to the 2012 presidential election. finished a disappointing 35th in the 2010 World Gurkin Eating Championships and is now rumoured to be working as a freelance Moose Matador and Calgary, Canada.

Phoebe, the former Massus and semi-finalist in the 1993 US Open tennis. Why did they never use that as a plot strand? Semi-finalist in the 93 US Open. It was a missed opportunity. She unwittingly befriended a KGB agent at a book club meeting when that week's tone was Collective Farming for the Masses by Nancy Sinatra. Missed that one, Senator McCarthy.

Phoebe just thus ended up as a professional freelance assassin. Three-time hit woman of the year in Big Hit Magazine, responsible for 65 successful slayings in 16 different countries. That was an 84% success rate, very high, very high success rate in this day and age, ranging from gangland drug lords to cheating spouses to unlicensed Santa Claus impersonators. Her signature kill technique used her former massaging skills involving a rubbing a poisonous cream into the spine

and then suffocating a victim with a towel. Reportedly, she's in the market for one last job, just one last job before retiring to farm bats after having a dream that bat milk would be the new sire milk. Monica, she won $250 million on the US lottery, instantly quit her job and family to fulfilling her lifelong dream of developing a time-traveling machine,

partially successful. She is currently on trial for witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts in 1693. And Chandler, he's, he's now a burlesque act called Booby Brenda after a hospital mix-up ended with him becoming a woman

and a rather cross man named Julia having a hair transplant and also in the Where Are They Now section we catch up with I don't know Are you a baseball fan at all? No I think it's cricket for the unannitiated Right see I mean I obviously

I love cricket more than probably anyone on earth And I know you're a cricket fan Big cricket fan. You can use cricket as a gateway into baseball. Yeah. A gateway sport. And I like baseball. The Chicago Cubs going for the World Series

for the first time since 1908. Right, okay. Currently won all that we record in the best of seven game series. And, well, in this where are there now section? We catch up with the stars of the last Cubs side to win the World Series. Well, the first baseman and team manager, Frank Chance. He's dead now, sadly.

Second baseman, Johnny Evans. He batted. 300 for the 1908 season, of course. Also dead. Third baser, Harry Steinfeldt, passed on. Shortstop, Joe Tinker. Also no longer. Outfielder Jimmy Sheckard, dead.

Fellow outfielder, Frank Wildfire Schulter. He, interestingly, he's dead. And Jimmy Slagel, bad news on him too. Catcher Johnny Kling. Good name for a catcher. But didn't help him to escape. The Sport ambivalent hook of the Reaper. He is dead whilst

Utility Man, Sully Hoffman. Still going in 1955, last by red. Let me check on the internet. Dead. Right on to the pitching stuff now. Please make it stop. Andy, you backed up your bullshit. This is what happens when the bugle goes away. I'm sure all Cubs fans are out there

wondering what happened to Star Man, Star Pitcher, Mordecai Three Finger Brown. Can I have a guess at what happened to him? Well, he went 29-9. the 1908 season, that's a great record for a picture. Yeah. Well, what do you think? I'm going to hazard a guess that he is a dead man. I thought he said he didn't follow baseball.

You've backed up with bullshit and now we're drowning in the flood. As a long-time listener to this podcast, it is a powerful stench to be actually in the presence of. This is the raw... Like, somehow, listeners, you can't really imagine the extent to which just not being in the room with it acts as a kind of filtration. It is a potent brew to be in the room of the bullshit.

To be looking it in the eye. Next week, we'll find out what happened to the guys from the 1920 Cleveland Indians. And finally, in tribute to a quarter of a millennium of the USA, here are some puns. John, how do you think Obama's second term is going to pan out? Well, I mean, that is a very, very broad question, and, you know, I think he'll get healthcare finished, which will be a fantastic thing.

Everything else is up for grabs. And by the mean, off for the grabs, I mean, out of his reach, probably. In the Republican-controlled house. I guess at least, John, he's brought himself time, and that is a crucial commodity in politics. That's not true. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, I've just heard something in your voice I don't like. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I heard that.

You don't even need to start. I don't like where this is going at all. She's got to trust me on this. Time is a crucial commodity. That's true, man. I've seen our man Kennedy everything. Oh, no. I see now a man Kennedy everything at once, John.

So now the president needs to take his time because if he panics and gets everything wrong, it'll be disastrous for the whole country. He's got to take his time. No matter how hostile the Republicans are again. Sorry No matter... This doesn't mean anything. This is going to sound confusing. This means nothing.

No matter how hostile the Republicans are Reagan. And you can be sure they will be to drive an economy that's been in a bit of a pickle into new happier times. Really go for it. And aim for greater things to bang that drum, thump that tub, push the envelope, set a bar much higher.

Sir, there was nothing on. Oh, that was... Oh, that was completely... I think I'm... Oh, that was completely accidental puner on. all the post-war presidents in chronological order well all the post-war election winners in chronological order I'm so sorry that just happened

I have a condition oh that is a stony silence you sound like a John Oliver who's felt his will to live draining away who very much didn't enjoy that gave it a distinctly coolidge reception chin up I know it's hard incredibly hard but we'll soon move on to another topic and if you didn't like it tough titties

I don't care who's at fault for this I don't care Roos at fault Rooze of fault for this awkwardness It's Megan Lee rest of the show Very awkward indeed We better move on Oh you've got to go now

Haven't you John You've got a show in Cleveland tonight Haven't you? Better wear your best tweed suit You've got to put your Harris on in Cleveland I thought you might I thought you might like that one

Winning a second term though That's Garfield damn good Hey it's the end now John So now you can link into the next bit if you want. Actually we're out of time. So you can't do your Bon Jovi impression this week. You can another time. I think he's gone. Oh piss. I'm going to have to fill more time. Well it was a tailor woe for Romney as the poll counts came in. Romney had a bad night I'll assume off and after spending a year

and a half Harrison people to vote for him. Van Burence simple he got well beaten. Jax enough to make a man give up and make a damn sure it doesn't happen again. Say something. Come on, Romney. There's nothing to say. Come on. Romney must understand why people didn't go for him. He had a crazy wife and an even madder son.

Although, to be fair, tag had four brothers. I think Romney would have lost whichever son started mouthing off about the president. A damn shame we must have thought. Washington night unfold. I'll stop talking. Andy's Osmond, father of two. So happy 250th birthday, America.

now sort yourself the fuck out. Ideally in time for next week's Bugle, which will feature Nish Kumar and Josh Gondelman. Don't forget to book your tickets for all the bugle co-hosts who are doing the Edinburgh Festival, and to mark your card for the first time this decade, I will be doing one of my review of the year live shows. 26th, the certifiable history, will be on sale soon,

details here and also elsewhere. Until next week, thanks for listening, and fingers crossed that America's next 250 years are a little bit more sensible. Goodbye.