The Bugle - Hari Kondabolu Day: Bugle 4084

Episode Date: October 19, 2018

With perfect timing, Hari Kondabolu joins Andy, just as we all get ready to celebrate Hari Kondabolu day.In other news:From Saudi Arabia, the Jamal Khashoggi case continues.From the UK, the detailed arrangements for a royal baby are explained.From the USA, Elizabeth Warren has her DNA tested and Trump weighs in with his verdictFrom the world of Technology, cars seem slower than ever. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Bugleers! Bonjour Monsieur et Médé Wasire bugleers. Hola, bugleros. Guten Tag, my neckliner of Bugle Snitson. Ni'how bugleers and hello bugleers, that's for our listeners in New Zealand. Welcome to issue 4,084 of the bugle. I am Andy Zoltzmann and the buck stops with me. Sorry, that came out wrong.

I'm Andy Zoltzmann and I've just ordered a whole roast venison. It amounts to the same thing. It is Thursday the 18th of October 2018. I'm here in London and I'm joined from New York City. Almost precisely two years since he helped relaunch the Bugle back in episode 4,001 by Harry Condabolo. Hello, Harry, how are you? Hey Andy, I'm doing well.

Has the Bugle been launched then? Is it currently orbiting the world? Is it doing what it was supposed to do? Well, as you know, Harry, not everything that launches necessarily stays launched. So it's kind of, I think it's just sort of hovering just off the launch pad where it's basically been since 2007. So launched, but not entirely

stratospheric. Now this is episode 4,084 Harry. All numbers that are divisible by four, which is ironic because you famously have been waging war against the Simpsons who only have four digits on each hand, so probably find it easiest to count in fours and are therefore much more likely to listen to this episode, so things could get extremely awkward as this show goes on. Man, that was a lot of work to get a Simpsons reference from. That was not, I mean, I, we've never really talked about the Simpsons in great depth, but I was wondering when it would come up, but I did not expect it to come up in such a bizarre roundabout fashion. Right. I have that being like vendetta against

you since from other anime, you call it soon characters or the well South Park had an episode recently called the problem with a poo, which is about their character, Mr. Hanky, which is a talking piece of poo, being kicked off the show or being sent away from South Park. So that was kind of weird to have like someone in a modge. But all I said was an obviously somewhat racist cartoon character was racist based on very obvious facts about said cartoon character being brown paint and voiced by a white guy. That's all I said and I strung that out for 47 minutes with a bunch of other information on a basic cable network which is only available in the United States and somehow I'm learning what slurs for Indian people are in Germany and Australia Australia, in Denmark.

The movie didn't even play there. But why do you hate animated yellow people so much, Harry? Because what they did to my village. What am I supposed to say? It's very bizarre. And it's very weird also that Mac gra graining, uh, Hank Azaria, Al Jean, who runs the show and Mike Reese, who's one of the headwriters of that show, who's written for the Simpsons forever, it's weird that they all, uh, still talk about it

and that they all know about me. And the only satisfaction I get out of me having to talk about it all the time is that they having to talk about it all the time is that they have to talk about it all the time. And that little bit of torture, the fact that we're matgrading is promoting his Netflix cartoon series. He has to talk about Aapu. That little bit of torture, please, is me. It pleases me, Andy.

Wait till much about Krusty the clown comes out. Honestly, Jewish people in Shobis were the last persecuted minority. We are back in the Cochlane studio here in London, which as you may know, bugles from previous episodes is Niercent Paul's Cathedral. And an interesting story behind the name of St Paul's Cathedral. It's called St Paul's because a load of mail from St Paul ended up being dumped there in about 50 AD. Sounds out, it didn't send it all to the Corinthians and the f***ing Ephesians. He wrote to all kinds of people, I've actually got some of it here. Here we have

a letter from St Paul to the Roman philosopher, St. Seneca asking for a signed picture. If my Latin is still up to scratch, it says, love your work, could you make it out to Paulie. Letter to the last vagans, telling them how Jesus would have gained the ruler table because he was magic. Letter to a local newspaper from St Paul complaining about a grammatical error in a report about a sheepsharing competition, some things never changed. That's why it's known as St Paul's and it's known as a

cathedral because it is mathematically in shape a perfect cathedral. How are we going? That's a fact. We are recording on the 18th of October. On this day in 1963, the first cat in space was, well, became the first cat in space. Having been one of many, many cats, not in space, fairly set a Parisian stray cat. She became the first cat in space, launched into space by the French lyker, the still orbiting Soviet Cosmodog

when absolutely f***** nuts. Felicia actually landed safely with a dead mouse in her cockpit, and got quite cocky for the rest of her life with her fellow felines, a well done. You've jumped onto the roof of a shed. Did I ever tell you about the time when I went into f***** space? It's very hard to get that out of a cat's psyche. There are

pictures online of Felly set with the 13 human members of her launch team, where they look in her catty eyes that very much says, you f***ing cowards. This is the bugle for the week beginning the 22nd of October, and on the 22nd of October in 1844 that was the day of the great anticipation. The followers of William Miller, the notorious Christian man, were expecting the end of the world to come with the second advent of Christ and the day following it when this did not happen became known as the Great Disappointment. But, is it time to reassess the failure of the Millerites end of the world? Because on the 23rd of October 1844, the renowned French actress

Sarah Bernhardt was born. She became one of the most influential figures in modern drama, a star of stage in the early days of screen, playing male roles, including Hamlet, she was also a painter, and a sculptor. So let's look at the evidence. She was skilled at turning things into something else. She was criticized by people who didn't really believe in her skills at the time, some of whom viewed her as something of a fraud. She had a book of her thoughts and philosophies written up and published after her death, and was generally surrounded by a gaggle of adoring men. Raising the question, did Jesus come back as a French actress? And I don't see any reason why he would not have done that if you were a male Jesus, thinking you're going to have another crack at it. Surely, A, you'd come back as a woman just out of curiosity. And B, if you'd spent all your life

eating fairly unadrenchrous Middle Eastern food, you're gonna go French. You're absolutely definitely gonna go French. So was Sandra Bernhardt, the reincarnation of Jesus, watch this space. As always, a section of the bugle is going straights. In the bin, we have, in fact, a Brexit section going in the bin this week, including a commemorative bit of Europe each day from now until Brexit day next much.

We all give you a free moment of British membership of the EU beginning with number one, a cappuccino. I wrote a legal in Britain before 1973. We also look at the hidden implications of Brexit, including the Irish border, might we have to move Hadrian's wall to the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic? If so, who's going to patch it up if all the builders have gone back to f**king Poland? We look at food, will pizza be banned or will a compromise be reached in the final stage of negotiation in which pizza is still allowed, but only when topped with battered fish and chips?

We look at wages, this is a potential big issue, will Britain have to change the way it pays its workforce from using money, to using a combination of internally barterable British goods and a vague sense of national self-determination. If so, will the bankers in the city of London get a disproportionate amounts of indefinable patriotic pride compared with ordinary workers who be fobbed off with an earworm of rural Britannia

and a digestive biscuit? And we look at language. Could British people have to give back all the words that we've taken from Latin, the ancient Germanic languages Greek and French, leaving us only with a smattering of Viking terminology, and whatever gibberish we were wittering on with before the Romans arrived with them properly structured sentences. Also, we review David Cameron's trilogy of new books on his role in the Brexit referendum, and its aftermath, beginning with Lark's and Jace with Georgian Boris, the funny side of dicking around with a nation's future, instalment to consequences, schmon sequences, subtitled its no-use crying over spilt milk

when none of the milk splotters on your own trousers, and the final installation of the trilogy, do I look like I give a shit? That is an excellent read from the former Prime Minister, including very informative chapters on how to deal with non-dessournable feelings of guilt, how to outsource responsibility and get well out of the way after screwing something up and also have a avoidance techniques for the wealthy and entitled. Also, we have an audio Brexit Advent calendar counting down the days until the 29th of March 2019.

There are now 158 days until Brexit. And here you go, a bag ahead. Do not open that until Monday the 22nd of October. That section in the bin. You know, Andy, you know what other special days on October 22nd? Oh, I don't know that. No. What is that? It's hurried Kunderbolo day in the city of New York City. Is it? Wow. Yeah. Last year, I got invited to a Diwali event, to speak at a Diwali event in New York City by the mayor's office, Mayor Bill DeBlasio here in New York. And initially I thought, oh, this is cool.

This is a bit last second. Somebody must have canceled. Right. It was about the week before you can suspect somebody canceled. So I go there, I have to give a speech. I think it's for a couple hundred people. I give the speech. It's for over a thousand people. That give a speech. I think it's for a couple hundred people. I give the speech. It's for over a thousand people.

That was a surprise. And then after that I'm given a plaque. The mayor comes on stage and says, from now on, October 22nd is Harry Kunderbolo Day. So happy Harry Kunderbolo Day to all Bouglay listeners. I don't know, I mean, how is this being marked by the good people of New York? Because I was in New York on Halloween last year and awful lot of fancy dress. So is there going to be everyone dressing up as you on Monday the 22nd?

Is that what happens? Well, it's funny, Andy. Apparently after it was recognized the first time, it's never been recognized again. Right. Not on any calendars, school children don't learn about me. It actually seems almost ceremonial and worthless. But it is hurry, cannability in October 22nd, the day after my birthday.

So I get a two day birthday every year. Well, to me, hurry, the 21st and 22nd of October, I always set aside as Hari Konda Bolu days in my Zoltz Manit calendar on the 21st, not only your birthday, but also the day that we recorded that first relaunch episode of the Bugle in New York, 21st of October, 2016. So frankly, that is what those two, I think they should be global holidays on those two days for the rest of time. I completely agree with you. I'm also very surprised that I chose to celebrate my birthday by recording the relaunch of the bugle. That is very generous of me that on my birthday I gave a present to the world.

Right. I mean, that was your birthday present as well as to get that hang out with me for an hour in a studio. Sure. Top story this week and well it's all been happening in the world of extradudicial slangs by the Saudi government. It's been a terrific week for that. Not probably for the first time. So far, touchwood, this recording has not yet been interrupted by the Saudi secret services sneak into our studios and disappearing, either me or Harry.

Has it? Harry? Harry, are you still there? Yeah, Andy. I was just faking with you. All right, okay, I thought you maybe just sold them a fighter jet to get out of trouble. This is an extraordinary story. I'm sure our listeners already know the details, but the the allegation is that the Saudi

government have just murdered one of their own citizens in their embassy in Turkey. And the international community has, well, not showered them with compliments for this. I think that's fair to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially the Turkish government who's also frustrated that it happened on their turf. And also, they've accused the Saudi government

or whoever was sent by the Saudi government of cutting Khashoggi into pieces with a bonsa or as Fox News put it making more of him to love. I mean, there's a hell of a spin, which is a hell of a spin on this end. Well, that's what I good at. It's very English of them too, if they cut him into little pieces. If I remember from several weeks ago, you told me that is a British tradition. Well, yeah, that's how we make things palatable without having any national culinary skills. The Saudi Arabian reaction has been understandably confused

to receive this criticism from their international allies because when you look at it, in Yemen, they've been bombing school buses and refugee camps, all the classic targets. There've been thousands and thousands of civilian casualties, 50,000 children, staff to death, a sense as a result of Saudi action in Yemen. And all their Western allies, barely even twitching an eyebrow in reproach. We in Britain and America,

Hari, we've twiddled our thumbs, we've whistled a 1980s pop song and looked awkwardly at the window, pretending to be really interested by a passing cloud-shaped a bit like a Spodgit mashed potato. As Saudi Arabia have collateral damage thousands and thousands of people to death, and even as our friends and business partners have executed numerous political dissidents and conducted a regime of de facto gender apartheid. We have tucked the Saudi billions demurly into our underpanelastic and undone a couple more buttons for them

But they disappear just one journalist one Waffer-thin journalist and all of a sudden we're up in arms. It's no wonder they're so f**king confused I think that's a very fair point and I also think that we're not looking at the positives that came out of this Right, okay. It's really hard to look at that But if you you know, I did a little bit of reading. Yep. The person who drove the getaway car with the body was a woman.

Oh, wow. What about that? Yeah. I mean, nobody talks about that. You don't think that's progress? It's, I mean, this is one of the first fully feminist extrajudicial slions in global political history. Correct.

Yeah, I don't see trotskipping bumps off by a lady with an ice Correct. Yeah, don't see trotskeeping bumped off by a lady with an ice pick. Anyway, at Donald Trump's reaction has been, as always, curious. And he sort of said, oh, well, they shouldn't have done it. And then he said, well, maybe they didn't do it. And then he said, even if they did do it,

it's not gonna make much difference because they're worth a f*** of a lot of money to America. And in some ways, I think you have to admire Trump for this because there is no world leader that is as prepared to wear the full-scaled lame-crotchless panties of economic prostitution, quite as brazenly as Donald Trump. I mean, yes, it is wrong to kill, hack up,

and vanish a journalist, but it's not wrong enough to lose sleep over. Sorry, lose jobs over. wrong enough to lose sleep over. Sorry, lose jobs over, lose jobs or sleep over. I guess in Trump's moral universe, that's really all that counts. I mean, it's obviously there's a lot of conflict of interest from both the Saudi government and the US government in terms of their investigations. From the US end, they're an administration that hates critical journalists that's investigating another administration who hates critical journalists.

And also the Saudi government's, you know, investigations clearly going to be a little compromise since they're claiming they're making a concerted effort to prove they killed this man. Curious. You know, I mean, like we are going to prove whether or not we did it. So that's a suspect. And finally, I also questioned Trump because it's Trump and he made a claim because he makes claims, Andy. He makes lots of claims. He claimed it might have been rogue killers who killed Kashogi. Rogue killers killers, Andy, that perhaps the same rogue killers, OJ Simpson had mentioned many

years ago, which OJ has unsuccessfully caught, as he claimed he would between his time on golf courses and in prison. And again, these rogue killers who we did not stop in 1994 have killed a Saudi Arabian journalist. No one saw that coming. I mean, you can tell the heat is on Saudi politically because there have been strong rumours that Prince Muhammad bin Salman is looking to buy Manchester United football club and there is no sure away in the 21st century of knowing that someone has got something serious to hide and awesome, serious enemies to hide it from

than that they are trying to buy a prominent British football club. That is a classic reflex reaction for a quality modern oligarch or despot. Get yourself out there, win the PR battle, show the West that you cannot be all bad because you've just spent 64 million quid on a paraguayan holding midfielder. That is the your best way out of trouble. And it's great news as well for Liverpool and Manchester City, the big rivals of Manchester United, because they really should be able to absolutely corner the lucrative markets for replica shirt sales in Yemen and Iran. Hey Andy, do you think that if they do buy Manchester United

that they're going to keep the roster intact or divide it into pieces and tell it's better if you were? I feel, I mean, look, all tasteless jokes aside, you know, I do feel bad for, for my Muslim friends who have to deal with this because of course, they are these terrible stereotypes about, about Muslims and being barbarians. And this is obviously a very gruesome attack. And it's ridiculous because it's like, this was the it's like this was the Saudi government. This was the Saudi government. So it doesn't matter what culture you're from or who you are. This is the Saudi government, yet everybody gets a piece of it.

Like no one thinks French food is bad because British food is bad. Those are completely different white cuisines. So how come because the Saudi government does this shit all Muslims have to deal with it? So, you know, my hearts are with you friends. America news. Elizabeth Warren kind of almost proves she's Native American. No one happy. It's very good summary.

Could you flesh that out a bit, maybe, for a further? That sounded a little bit like a 1930s telegram. Well, essentially what happened was Elizabeth Warren for months and months has been going on by Donald Trump, who's claiming that she's not actually Native American as she once marked, I think, and on something in grad school, I guess looking for an affinity group or other people who have heritage, and she claimed she did have some heritage from an ancestor way back when. And Trump immediately starts making fun of her calling her Pocahontas and mocking the fact if she has any heritage whatsoever. So in order to prove that she's not completely white, Elizabeth Warren chose to do the widest thing possible,

which is take a DNA test to prove she is not completely white. Like from my understanding in America, the only thing white people hate more than being called racist is being called white. Like from my understanding in America, the only thing white people hate more than being called racist is being called white. And so Elizabeth Warren fell right into Trump's trolling. And as if she learned nothing from the Obama birth certificate stuff, like he does not, long form birth certificate still was not pleased. It has nothing to do with the truth. I mean, Trump even claimed he would give $1,000 to Elizabeth Warren if she proved she was native American

and he's not gonna give her the money. That's obvious. Or do you think he will end? Because if there's one thing Trump is known for, it's fulfilling promises to win. Hahaha. It's very much his calling card, isn't it? And I mean, people have said that he's being sexist and racist with these rather disparaging comments, calling Elizabeth Warren, Pockahunt, he's calling Stormy Daniels' horse face as

well as you. But to be fair to Trump, he's merely standing up for ordinary American voters who want to make sexist and racist comments to women, but can't because all the jobs have gone overseas because of the muslim refugees who are forcing big business owners to employ cheap Chinese machines to manufacture American stuff. He's standing up for his core vote.

When it comes to the DNA tests, Harry, I mean, I thought I should, you know, as a white person for now not exactly who I am. I've had a DNA test done this morning and it turns out that I'm 60% chicken. And I may have a distant ancestor who had an affair with a shark and or a banana. But it's all about the way you interpret the data. And I'm so happy you told me that. And as one of your friends, I want you to know that there's nothing to be ashamed of.

And that we've all known you were chicken for quite some time. And we were waiting for you to tell us. So after the DNA test came in, what it proved was Elizabeth Warren is between 164th to 1,024th Native American. So she's either Native American or a margin of error recon. I'm almost as Native American as Elizabeth Warren. I am not Native American. Not yet, never seen that.

It's also really messed up that she's doing something that is just like classic, right? Like race by blood quantum. The idea that race can be defined by DNA. She did not even go to the Cherokee Nation to talk to them, to talk to them about the idea of identity. She just put this out there because Trump said it and it ended up leading to a whole bunch of other terrible things. As in Lindsey Graham was on, I believe Fox and Friends are one Fox News show and said that he would take a test to prove he is more Native American than Elizabeth Warren.

If he is, he claimed she would have to buy him a casino. Now the goal of Lindsey Graham, the goal of an affeminate single man named Lindsey, to make fun of anyone else. Do you realize how many tongues must be bit to not make fun of this man on a daily basis? And yet he had the goal to make a joke about Native Americans. Well, such as politics in these confusing times, the Trumps horse face a tweet to stormy Daniels. I believe is

the first time an American president has called a woman horse face whilst in office, although I've not read through all the transcripts of Grover Cleveland's conversations with ladies. So after what's happened with, well not just with Warren, with Stormy Daniels, with Christine Blasey for it, it is quite hard, hurry to know what more Donald Trump can do Christine Blaisey for it. It is quite hard, hurry to know what more Donald Trump can do to confirm his misogynist credentials. Short of having a salt statue made of 19th century women's suffrage star Susan B. Anthony, downing 15 points of water, waiting for gravity and human anatomy to take their course, and then urinating on the salt suffrage yet, until it completely dissolves into a symbolic puddle of manwas.

I mean, I know he's very unpopular with a lot of women in America, but not all women in America. This baffles me. As a man, it confuses me. Self hate is a very powerful thing, Andy. Yeah, I also don't understand. It's almost like people in this country don't read and only get news from a singular source that agrees with everything they believe already. Ah, right. Yes, the old, well, I guess you know, it's a Christian country, that's the way it's always been done.

But I mean, how do you feel, as a person from an Asian family background, that Trump's current focus on misogyny is really taking away from his racism skills and stealing some of the spotlight off Asian men such as yourself. You know, luckily, I feel like it's not a complete loss because Asian women are still getting you know, shid on as a result, since they are both people of color and women So as long as some of us are getting it. I don't feel completely out of it. Okay. That's that's that's really sure into no He called stormy dangles a horse face. I mean, you know what this means. He's into horses This is a cathand the great scenario. How come no one is running with this?

This is the news of the week, the man's into horses. I mean, even that, I mean, if anything that's doing was just just shore up his core support, isn't it? Clearly, there's a crucial part of the American electorate who want a president who will fuck a horse. And how electorally crucial that is, we'll let history be the judge. That's key.

What you just said is very key. A president who will fuck a horse, but not be fucked by a horse. Do you understand? This is a homophobic country. There's something even though it's not the same gender because it's a horse. Well, I guess that you could be the same gender.

If it's a horse. Well, I guess that you could be a same gender. If it's a, if what I'm saying is if he's doing the f***ing, he has to be having sex with that horse. If he gets caught having a horse having, if a horse is having sex with Donald Trump as presidential career is over, I'm gonna put that out there. That's what it's going to take. Right. So if there are any horses listening for America, for freedom, for human rights, for the

love of God, please seduce Donald Trump. Royal Wedding's News Now, and well, Harry, what, luckily, whatever happens with Brexit and indeed everything else in this country We all always have the Royal family and there's been some bananzer bits of Royal news this week. There was a Royal Wedding Princess Yuzhane who I'll admit I thought was a Disney character until last weekend turns out to be ninth in line to the British throne and she got married to Someone absolutely not yet. And it was on the news because, a f***ed divino. Quite why there was so much media coverage of an event

with slightly less national significance in the first round of qualifying for the World Snooker Championships, has mystified many people until you remember a, something happened and b B it had nothing to do with Brexit. C it's got something tangentially to do with royalty and D it is unlikely to provoke Donald Trump to ram his vinegar coated penis of division into the bleeding ice socket of political dignity and you think, let's put that on the news. That will do for a

lead story that can take our minds off from all the other shit it'll fucking do. Let's just pretend you might even be Queen one day, send 45 camera crews and tranquilise that beggar outside Windsor Station so he doesn't shout shit about Oliver Trummo on the Queen's riding pass on her BMX. This will do, this will do for news. to act will like the way you're. Well, they played it. That's what we do now. We just clean the beggars off the streets when there's a major event in Windsor. So, Eugene E. Harry, she's not even at top eight

in line to the throne. I'm sorry, but to get a royal wedding on the news, I think you should be at least a quarter finalist in who's going to waggle that septanex competition. In context, she is royal enough to have those unsightly beggars hoovered off the streets of Winds context, she is royal enough to have those unsightly beggars hoovered off the streets of Windsor, but not royal enough to order the execution of a prominent writer from across the Atlantic. Because let's look at the evidence, William

and Kate married 29th of April 2011, 30th of April, the great Argentinian novelist and essayist Ernesto Sabato died. Harry and Meghan married 19th of May 2018, 22nd of May, Philip Roth, iconic American literary figure, passed away in suspiciously unsuspicious circumstances. You journey got married to whoever she got married to the other day. And all I'm saying is Canada's Margaret Atwood still alive and kicking. Join the ****ing dots people. In other Royal news, Prince Harry losing quarter finalist, no beef, Megan Markle, the woman who could have been the one to take Henry VIII of history and turned out differently, have announced that they are going to shunt Yujani and the rest of

us further down the rankings of next and onto the front by having a baby. Next April, Harry, this is so incredibly exciting. Another Royal Baby. It is really the only part of the British manufacturing sector still working the testicles of our Royal Princes. And beautiful timing. Baby and April, something to distract us between Brexit on the 29th of March and the cricket world cup on the 30th of May. That is true patriotism from Prince Harry, true patriotism.

And thank you, Meghan Markle, for stepping up and proving you are truly British now, by having your baby directly after Brexit. I reckon they probably wanted to wait, actually, have a couple of years of happy, unencumbered wedlock, but clearly the queen and the prime minister got on to them and said, for fuck's sake, this is the only thing that can stop a civil war, have a fucking baby. What has to happen for that baby to be a king or queen? Is it like a king Ralph scenario? I mean, short of some kind of nuclear war. Or I mean, I guess with Brexit, as talk of, you know, the United Kingdom crumbling apart Scottish independence, possibly, you know, they might be Northern Irish independence, Welsh independence, we could easily split into what, seven different countries, and then you'd need your seventh ranked

royal to be King Strowett Queen of one of them. So, strength of things have happened. Strowett, and let's not less to city on the Premier League, so this baby could easily be King of the World one day. Back in Bugle 216, when the happy news was, uh, royally unbeveiled that Prince William and Lady Prince Kate were expecting, the baby who eventually transpired to be micro Prince George. The Bugle reported on exactly the site, with a science and the ceremony behind how a future King Orkinget is conceived. But of course, very different for Harry, Deputy Chief Assistant Prince of Robertania and Meghan Markle, the Grand Duchess Excelsior of all the Americas.

So how exactly is a baby conceived in that second rank of royalty? Well, that's the second born son of the pre-mode-geniturated progenium of the current reigning monochet. Harry procreates, very different technique to his ubersibling, future king William V. Harry's Spermule in Perial, it's an old Shivaric Norman term, are produced by the prince marching up and down the Royal vegetable garden and ferritarium at Sanerium, keeping strict time with the Gonerday Guardsman

to the tune of the National Anthem. The regular rhythm prompting a second Promo-Duction from his printular appendageum. The contains a reproductively critical ratio of seminal gametes and agritus. Once the precious scroetyachic folgents has been sludged and enveloped into the golden trinket by the Ijaccalectrovana, it is taken to the Royal Infaturarium at Windsor. Meghan having had her commoners uterraria and associated filopials upgraded to royal status after an intensive two-week immersion course in which she wore the crown of the famously multi-off-sprank Queen Victoria and the Northy underwear of Eleanor of Aquitaine, the 12th century

Queen, who sprogged out to King Henry II, no fewer than eight sons, three of which were daughters. Meghan then performs the initial inflatorization. She coagulates a civil-played ov, coated with a melted-down rupee centaquin Victoria by the Maharaja of Viziana Gram in 1882. After he heard the tooth fairy had failed to rack and pence Victoria for a lost molar after she bit into an orealistic painted granite objín. She coagulates the ovem with harries much-vaunted in seminaries, and the resulting royal e-chromozoan zygotic micro-magicity is amnnioticized in a sous-veed machine borrowed from the quadruple

missile and start Royal kitchen at Buckingham Palace. It will now be gestated in trimestral rotation by the duchesses of Nantwich, Scegnese and Cumbanol before the ceremonial birthing scheduled currently for Wembley Stadium on April the 18th of next year to be hosted by Jimmy Carr with music by Maroon 5 and the Berlin Philharmonic. So very exciting times for Royal Watchers here in Britain. of next year to be hosted by Jimmy Carr with music by Maroon 5 and the Berlin Philharmonic. So very exciting times for Royal Watchers here in Britain.

Hey, I step out for a second. Can you get... Can you go over that again? Fast car news and, well, Horace has been a distressing time for Speedfreaks. The Bloodhound project has gone into administration. This is an aim to develop a car that could go over a thousand miles an hour and does race serious doubts now of whether humans will ever achieve that long-held dream of going at 930 miles an hour faster than the national speed limit of the United Kingdom. I mean, where now for humanity and transport? Well, apparently, they're 25 million pounds short, so they're hoping and invested, puts the 25 million pounds in to see a cargo so fast

that you can't see it. Is that right? I think that's basically it. What happened to a good old-fashioned dick measuring contest? Can't we just take them out, take a tape measure out and get to it, this is just so expensive. When it can be settled that simply.

Honestly, this is the worst thing to happen to supersonic since they moved to Oklahoma City and became the thunder. Well, that is, uh, basketball. That is a niche joke. I mean, I'm all in favor of niche jokes on the bugle, but not basketball ones, are I? But that's even out. So I'm like in favour of niche jokes on the bugle, but not basketball ones, are you? That's even outside my spirit sporting reference.

The year I like it, yeah. I mean, looking at this, a thousand mile an hour car, short, any remarkable feat of pointless engineering eventually trickles down into the civilian life. But in some way it's practical. I've lost count of the number of times that I've been stranded on some salt flats being pursued by a swarm of steroid up killer bees flying at 980 miles an hour thinking If only I could nip in the car and out drive these bastards But beyond that it's the disappointment of the unfulfilled goal that I'm struggling with I was driving my car yesterday. How are you when I heard this news about about the bloodhound project going into administration? And I'll just pull over to the side of the road and

Watch the remaining 38 miles home, thinking what's the f***ing point? And if I can no longer aspire to driving from London to Edinburgh in 23 minutes, 28 seconds, what is the f***ing point in driving at all? I think that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. I feel we've covered quite a lot of different stories this week.

I hope you've enjoyed it. A bugle heart. It's been a delight to have you on your coming to London in December to the Soho Theatre. Do feel free to alert all listeners now to exactly when you'll be here in any other dates you've got coming. Well, I'll be in London December 3rd through the 15th. That's Soho Theatre. So I would love to see Vouglet fans there.

November 28th and 29th. I'm in Berlin, November 30th. I'm in Oslo. December 1st, Stockholm. December 16th after the London run will be in Copenhagen, 17th in Amsterdam, 18th in Antwerp, Belgium. And in the US, I'm finishing my touring schedule. Tuesday, October 23rd, the day after Harry Cundabolo, today, I'll be in Columbus, I'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the funny bone, or indigenous

people, Ohio, I call it, October 24th Providence, Rhode Island at the comedy connection October 26th at the Wilbur in Boston, the 27th new Brunswick, New Jersey, the stress factory, and October 28th, Hamden, Connecticut, which is near New Haven, not too far from Hartford, Connecticut at the space ballroom. So I'm hoping some bugle fans come out. You're some of my favorite people in the audience. And you don't need to lie to me and tell me I'm your second favorite bugle fans come out you some of my favorite people in the audience and you don't need to lie to me and tell me I'm your second favorite bugle host. You don't need to lie to me. I know I'm not It's okay, but come to the show anyway

If you're listening to this before Saturday evening Toronto time this week I'm doing a gig on Saturday evening Toronto time in Toronto at the Royal Cinema do come along to cinema. I will be actually live in my one night only tour of the rest of the world. I'll be back in the rest of the world at some point next year. Don't forget to come to the Bugle Live on the 14th of November in London Alessandro Theatre with Nish Kumar and Felicity Ward and my show at the Soho Theatre. My review of the year and his ultimate 2018

the Certifiable History Runs from the 18th of December to the 5th of January with a few days off, four things like Christmas and New Year. Do come along to every single one of all of those shows. Harry's been an absolute delight to have you on again. And well, you'll be back up, you'll be here physically in the studio in London with me in just a few weeks time in December. I am very excited and it will be a fun time. Maybe we'll declare that

Hori Kondo Bolu Day as well. Until then, be eaglers. Happy Hori Kondo Bolu Days and I'll be back next week. Goodbye! Bye.