The Bugle - Hats off to Obama, shoes off for Bush

Episode Date: December 22, 2008

The 57th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 57 of the Bugle of the World's greatest and only audio newspaper for a visual world for the beginning Monday, 22nd of December, 2008. Happy Christmas from me, Andy Zoltzmann in London and in New York City, USA. It's John Oliver. Hello,

Bugles. Hello, Andy. Happy Christmas, Andy. Bad joke. But I'm just on a built and produced job. Happy Hanukkah and Merry Quanta. That is, let's be inclusive. Andy, obviously we know we usually start the bugle off with a little story about what we've been up to. Are you the floor floor to you at the beginning this week Andy? Any interesting stories? Well for once John, I have a more exciting story than you John, because this week, this week, I'm Monday, my wife and I gave birth to a baby boy in the bathroom with me as the midwife. And I know what you're thinking John. Unbelievable. You're thinking Andy, you're not a the midwife. And I know what you're thinking, John. Unbelievable.

You're thinking, and the, you're not a qualified midwife. And that's that is, that's my initial thought there. Well, what I would say to you, John, it's not a skill you can learn. You've either got it, or you haven't. And no amount of qualification certificates and surgical gloves can prove otherwise. So I am now a midwife.

You delivered your own son. My son on the bottom floor and it was you know it was fairly dramatic my wife was in labor giving it the usual this seriously hurts in a genuinely prime evil way oh my dear lord why do you take women so much yowks you know it was just a standard yowks that's what women say in labor john the standard birth on procedure. As I always think, yes, love, could you keep it down? You're drowning out the cricket commentary and it's a key stage of an excellent test match.

Come on, England. But, this happy equilibrium of the sexism was disrupting, John, when my wife took some time out from moving. To say the words, it's coming out. Not. And they were an established Labour now, so I think it's time to go to the hospital and have this deal sealed by trained professionals. She said it's coming out. At this point I got a little petrified. I shout out to my sister we're looking off and we're looking down

to the call and ambulance and I was thinking to myself well labour takes ages we're probably making a fuss about nothing at which point in my wife says I can feel its head. And at this stage I start thinking, we're going to have to drive really fast to get some fast money. You're still very much not taking responsibility for the situation at this point. Trying to look for the positives. You're thinking, I pay my taxes, I'd love to get something back for those taxes. How about using the facilities I pay for? That's right. I was thinking, you know, how busy Nourwood High Street is like,

it's about 10 a.m. on a Monday morning you know, how busy Nourwood High Street is like, it's a bit 10 a.m. on a Monday morning. When, and this was kind of little reverie, was rudely interrupted. When I see it's f***ing head coming out. Oh, my God. So, I can see the top of my still, about 98% unborn child's bums. And now I start to think to myself, I am completely out of my depth.

I've got about as out of my depth as possible to be without being an orangutan and a submarine. But luckily, the woman on the other end of the 99 call kept things very simple. And basically, John, if you're ever in this situation, the basic advice, if you're delivering your own told is, don't drop it. Hold it's head. Don't know what it come out to for us. And don't drop it. I say try and sit down, she says,

AAAAAAAHHHHH! There's a few more squeals of fundamental agony and then all of a sudden it's Squelch baby and coincidentally Pop Squelch baby was the type of an old 1960s TV program. So nature and gravity combined and I caught my child falling out of my wife. Soft hands nice clean take. God him, it's a boy, he's simply in good working order with all the classic signs of a human baby. His mages were all in the right place. Both both in the right place. I thought we've done it. We were overwhelmed by this rush of the purest, most intense

ecstasy you can imagine. John, it was definitely the highlight of my week. No doubt about it. Bear in mind, I watched the mighty Harlequins win a crucial European rugby cup match with a last second drop goal on Saturday after one of the most dramatic and exciting conclusions to a game in rugby's history. But, and also that one didn't make quatt such a mess in my bar from floor. But still, I that one didn't make quite such a mess in my bathroom floor. But still, I've put delivering my own time just above that. It's one of those things that you just assume doesn't happen anymore people. Yeah.

Having to emergency deliver their children, especially if you live in a major city. No really, we're actually speaking quite close to a hospital. I don't know quite how you managed to have to do that emergency procedure. It was a short labor, John, and last time we went to hospital and got sent home Red Sea was speaking quite close to our hospital. I was in a quite how you managed to have to do that emergency procedure. It was a short labor, John. And last time we went to hospital and got sent home for going in, not in labor enough. Yeah, I can't help but,

I'll split the difference next time. We did overcompensate. Also importantly, Andy, you've got a son. And we, I think we talked about this earlier. The bugle has an air. That's right. All this will be his. The air to the bugle empire.

The boy. Which is a bit of a relief. Particularly from Miranda, because as you know, Henry VIII's mind's barration and role model and how I conduct my personal life. So if it had been another daughter, I'm afraid it would have been axed time. And that, you know, it would have been a real shame. Well, I've become quite attached to Miranda over the years and executing her on Trump's up charges and the Lin style.

Well, it would have been a logistical and legal quagmire, let's be honest, these days. You just can't get away with it anymore. Well you kept up your side of the succession line and now all I need to do and he's find someone who can physically and or emotionally stand me and we can secure the generational future of the people. Well I think you're right John because the bugle constitution of course is a mixture of British and American constitution so I'm definitely part of the bugle for life and will be succeeded in the podcast by my first born son

sorry Matilda I noticed in 21st century but rules are rules you knew it before you were born if you didn't approve you shouldn't have come out. Whereas John you're the American half of the bugle so you have to seek re-election every four years and conserve a maximum of two terms. Also, you could be impeached. So I'm here by divine ordinance. You've got here through money contacts with a Gallagher village either public.

Which is Ms. Benachon. You tell me. This represents the greatest dream that anyone could grow up to be a member of the bugle here, Andy. Anyone. Hey, well, it was a genuinely humbling, awe-inspiring moment, John,

seeing a brand new person emerge onto the planet And I can half-e-recommend it both to you and to all of our bugle listeners that you all attend the birth of my next child Wembley Stadium sometime in the 2010-2011 season So this week's bugle is being filled as you can hear by Celebratory Champaign. Here's to the boy. The boy. Cheers boy. For those who enter the naming competition, I'm afraid you're lost.

Although we haven't fully confirmed this, provisionally entitled Horace. provisionally. Come on, name the child. John, we've got to put it through the focus groups, make sure that it's going to be popular with the public. Okay, that's true. So as always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin. This week, a child's birth section,

how to get the best medical care and make all the right preparations, get all the right painkillers, and all the accessories you need for the perfect. I'm afraid that is now in the bin, along with Horace's placenta. And that's another thing I'll learn this week, John. placenters are massive.

Top story this week, viral mega smash. And sometimes it's impossible to know what will take the internet by storm. Will it be a hamster on a piano, eating a pizza popcorn? Will it be a skateboarder, suffering a spectacular nut shot from an unexpected piece of railing? Perhaps a teenage boy dancing awkwardly, yet overconfidently, to a sexually explicit rap song? Well, for this week only, Andy, it was none of those things. It was in fact simply a 62-year-old man having a pair of shoes thrown

at him. It's always interesting. Exactly, but this wasn't any old man Andy, and they weren't any old shoes. This was President George W. Bush being facially confronted at high velocity with the second most famous example of protest footwear in history after when Judas threw his flip flops at Jesus. Bush was on a surprise farewell trip to Iraq, the most spectacular since his surprise,

hello trip in 2003. During a press conference and Iraqi journalist stood up and threw his shoes at him shouting, this is a farewell kiss you dog, this is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq. And it was probably not the secret service his finest hour. The man had typed to take a shoe off, throw it at the president, bend down and take his other shoe off, and throw that one at the president too, before he was wrestled to the floor.

In fact, he probably had talked to get a third shoe off. We're not for the fact that he was tragically born with less than three feet. But CNN were very anxious to tell people that in the Arab world, throwing shoes at someone is thought to be a very great insult. Oh, no kidding, CNN. I think that most people got that from the shoes flying through the air towards his head. I don't think anyone imagined there was a possibility that this was

in fact the highest form of compliment. I don't know, John. Thank you for our freedom president bush. Please take my shoes. And if you'd be so kind, please catch them with your face. I have nothing but the greatest respect for you Maybe maybe you was thinking, you know if I can get the presence of sign my shoes on e-bike They're gonna go they're gonna go big Well, it's it's in terms of you say that because the make-of-shoes themselves have since become immensely popular in Iraq with many Shops completely selling out of their stock What this in fact, a very

clever viral marketing campaign, because those shoes have had better media coverage than the latest air Jordans. Would it have been that surprising? If after the footage of the president ducking out of the way the shoes, the screen had just gone blank, but for a Nike swoosh, and the words just do it. Air protest, lightweight shoes which slip off quickly and easily for when you can feel yourself being watched by secret service agents, ergonomically designed to fly through the air, increasing your distance and velocity for markedly better results, and complete with a patterned sole to leave a mark on your target's face. Well I think John, I think we're being far too negative about this. It's well known that

people throw nickers at rock stars. Cle, this guy's just a foot fetishist, but a bit of a thing for the president. That's a nice way of looking at Andy. Also, he says this is a farewell kiss, you dog. And to be fair, he is a bad kisser who shoe-hurling technique has not proved a massive hit with the Lasses in Baghdad's nightclubs. And it was a botched assassination an attempt essentially. Just very badly planned from start to finish. Very few people have ever been killed by thrown shoes. But I think what was interesting about it was the outstanding technique in shoe avoidance that Bush showed.

I mean he just swerved out the way of it. It was like a high-class opening batsman avoiding a bouncer on the first morning of a test match. It was like a young Michael Atherton. And this to me suggested that this has happened before, John. George W. Bush has avoided shoes thrown at his head, probably throughout his life. He looked like it and happened to all the time. He just kind of grinned at the guy. He said, well, another shoe. Well, there's another one for the catalogue.

Well, here's in fact a list of all the people who could have thrown a shoe at George W. Bush. Actually, we're going to have to cut that out. We don't have time. I want to be back in home for the boys first birthday. But, part of the point is that. And why have people decided to enjoy this footage so much? Well, I think everyone has accepted that this may be as close as we're going to get to accountability. I think what President has done to the world over the last eight years. Two shoes being thrown at his head and missing.

That's all we're getting. No trials, no admissions of guilt. But to be honest, I also think it's probably more than we did actually hope for. That's the only way to explain how many times it's been repeatedly shown on the news. Even in slow motion. If you try it in slow motion like morality've been showing in slow motion, like morality porn. Everyone's sitting at home watching, going, oh yeah, I'll throw the other shoe, that's it, oh yeah.

Oh, look at his face, he doesn't like it, does he? Oh, he's been a bad, bad man. There have been marches in support of the now jailed and probably badly beaten, partially known journalist and world famous shoe chucker, all across the Middle East. And one man marched with a shoe on top of a stick that he was waving in the air like a slip on crucifix. And even a Libyan charity group called

Wat Atissimau has awarded Manaza Aar-Sahidi an award for courage, saying what he did represents a victory for human rights across the world. Whoa, steady on, he threw a shiver to man. That's it. This is not Gandhi. This is not a lifetime's dedication to human rights. This is momentary frustration slipping over into footwear violence. Let's not commission the statue of him just yet. Well, you say that, John, but how long did it take Gandhi to get famous? You know, 30 years of dignified peaceful protest. This guy, all over the world, with one simple action.

This is the future of protest, John. It's a great day for democracy, because it proves that the best way of making your political point is not by running for office, diverting yourself to a party and striving to do your bit either to improve or worsen things for the common people as you see fit or by committing a life's work to social projects and activism. It throws you at a president. You make your point, you do it in an entertaining, accessible way that the world's media can get an angle on. A million people took the streets in London before they were out there protesting

all around the world. And that is as nothing to a carefully flang piece of footwear, John. Well, you can imagine people sitting at home saying, hey, did you see that already moving display of communal dissatisfaction with placards chanting on the kind of social expression that democracy should cherish to its stupid vested belly? No, I just saw some nutters on telly being charged

by a riot police who were flicking a V sign at horse. Okay, but did you see the guy chuck his shoes at George W. Bush? Yeah, best TV in history. That is politics. He faces anything between two and 20 years in prison. And his defense team have said they'll be basing their case on the fact that the United States is occupying a rack

and resistance is therefore legitimate by all means including shoes. Well, good luck with that. The old shoe defense. If I had a dollar for every time someone had used that defense, I would not have any dollars, but I would be about to get one. But he's facing up to apparently a 15-year sentence for the crime of aggression against a president. It's almost like the laws of this country, John, have been framed by people who are a bit worried about a

president being unpopular there. As a journalist, I mean, he knew the power of what he was doing. He knows that the pen is mighty than the sword, but he also knows that the shoe is mightier than the pen. I mean, I'm not saying George W. Bush will only be remembered for having shoe thrown at his head, but he will be remembered for having shoe thrown at his head, and also for the actions that led to shoes being thrown at his head, but he will be remembered for having shoes thrown at his head and also for the actions that led to shoes being thrown at his head. Yeah.

I'm sure shoes are thrown at other presidents head, it's just they were probably by accident. Bush has given some quite interesting interviews, obviously concerned about how history will judge him and history will probably be putting on his black cap and calling him a ****. But he said this in an interview with Fox News. He said, what matters to me is that I didn't compromise my soul to be a popular guy, which is lucky John because if he had compromised his soul to be a popular guy, he would be spending quite a lot of time now looking for the receipt and reading the small print on the warranty because that deal has not worked.

But what has he compromised his soul for John because he clearly has compromised it. I mean, has been for money, women, eternal life, to get on telly, or to look cool. I mean, I've compromised my soul. I sold it to the devil in exchange for a really good carbonara recipe. And frankly, I think it was worth it. But you make a good carbonara and you make a very good carbonara. Yeah, well, I hope you enjoy it because I'm going to suffer for that.

Yeah, that's why I enjoy it. Have you compromised your soul, John? Let's leave your film career out of this, but I don't know anything else. I think you've answered your own question, though. Both me and Colbert would be first to put our hands up there. I've still haven't seen it. I'm waiting for you to give it a go at me a sign copy for Christmas. Done and done.

In other Iraq news, Britain is pulling out of Iraq next summer on the 31st of July. Someone wants to get home in time for the key points of the ashes, John. That's right. All adventures, good and bad, come to an end, Andy. The goonies eventually found their way home from an underground treasure trove And the pretty charming will now soon come back after six years in an overground Iraqi hellscape Gull Brown has announced that all 4,100 troops will begin a quote rapid withdrawal in June There's got to be a better way of saying that now obviously it's great news that they'll all be soon safe and home and they've got everyone's gratitude for their service, but it is now going to be time for an inquiry. Just into the few little things such as whether they should have been sent there at all, whether

if we did have to send them there, we should have looked into sending them with equipment that wasn't cartoonishly bad, and whether we should look into treating them less like animals when they come home hurt. And I'm sure the findings to this inquiry are going to be, oh you know, that's probably fine. You can overthink these things, don't let it get you down. That is basically how all government inquiries end up. Yeah, it'll be entitled, Oh look, a chaffinch. Chaining news now, and when the world waves goodbye to George W. Bush on January 20th, with a wave that will probably be missing three fingers in a thumb, it will also be bidding our leave farewell to Vice President Richard Chaining, or Dick, as he and many many others

call him after both his high school abbreviation and his repeated actions. Now he doesn't seem as concerned with his legacy as Bush, lastly as he clearly couldn't give a shit about what people think about him. He'd love to but he literally can't as that would be to engage in a human emotion which isn't physically capable of. Instead he's saying to delivering some uncharacteristically frank revelation about his last eight years of playing with the biggest and loudest toy box on the planet. And in an interview with ABC News, he said that he personally approved the CIA's Water Boarding of Detainees at Guantanamo Bay, and he said it completely unapologetically, despite a recent

damning Senate Armed Services Committee report on the treatment of detainees in US custody. Again, let's remember Andy, this is not his fault. The morse is a human emotion. He thought he felt it once, but it turned out he was just hungry. The strange thing about all this is that he's essentially indicted himself and is forcing Bush to preemptively pardon him. It is a dick move in every sense of the phrase. He's also essentially taking credit for torture. I'm sure he'd like waterboarding to be named after him. Oh god, I chained this guy for eight straight hours. Finally got him talking. My arm hurts. But do you think we're going to miss chaining when he's gone, John?

No. Because I'm talking more positive about this, you know, I've seen really the meaning of life. This week I've got a more positive outlook on the world. And I think I'm talking more positive about chaining. I mean mean I think apart from his approval of torture, his repellent politics, the total overwhelming lack of anything even slightly resembling morality, maybe there's a nice guy trying to get out, John. You know what? I think maybe Dick Cheney's just been a kind, loving humanitarian trapped inside the body, mind and soul of a total shitbag, or perhaps, well maybe, you know, maybe I'm wrong, maybe he's just a shitbag trapped inside, and even bigger bag of shit. And he was recently voted Time magazine's

Manu'd Most Like to Headbutt, as well as the person you'd least like to give a life jacket to on a syncing ship by surviving naval disasters monthly magazine. Resourced if he had a new regrets. And he said these words, oh not at this stage. I think I'll have a chance to reflect on that after I get out of here and see whether or not anything immediately comes to mind. Anyway, he carries on. I think, quote, given the circumstances we've had to deal with, we've done pretty well. The circumstances we've had to deal with, of course being the circumstances, they have dealt. This is kind of like a guy who's crashed his car into a tree after pointing the car at

the tree saying, I'm going to crash this car into it. Cutting the brake cables, jamming his own eyes out with a broach pin and putting a blind fold on, then sitting in the car with his foot on the accelerator. In the circumstance, I guess he did do quite well to get as far as the tree. You know, he's acting like he's heroic here, but a firefighter can only be a hero if he didn't start the fire. No one likes an arsonist fireman. Notchy dictator on cake snooze now, and well John, as the great Johnny Cash himself said,

life ain't easy for a boy named Sue. But obviously, it's even harder in the post 1945 world for a boy named Adolf. And even harder than that, if he's not just called Adolf, but Adolf Hitler. And this is what happened. Young three-year-old boy called Adolf Hitler Campbell. He was refused a birthday cake with his name on it by a shop and eventually Wal-Mart stepped into the breach and wrote his full name, Adolf Hitler Campbell. Oh, good for Wal-Mart. What good for Wal-Mart? Doing the right thing yet again. Well, perhaps that's the kind of ruthless business attitude that you need if you want to make the world a cheaper, slightly shitter place. Perhaps

they will just work out to the launch of their new shop slogan, Walmart. Yeah, Walmart. That's right, this supermarket in New Jersey is the third time in three years that they have refused to ice the boy's name on the cake. And the boys' parents are up in arms. Debra Campbell, who is up in one arm, right? Right. Straight. And approximately a fourth or five degree angle. Debra Campbell with a boy's mother says,

Shoprite can't even make a cake for a three-year-old. That's sad. But of course, the reason is the boy's name, which is Adolf Hitler Campbell. It's not just that, it's the fact that they'd asked for a swastika to be iced into the cake as well. It's an ancient symbol, John. You don't see many iced swastikas andi or certainly a lot less than you're used to. They probably just want to reclaim both the name and the symbol.

The boys father, Heath Campbell, is disgusted that they would not have a little boy's name on a birthday cake, but I think he's missing here what people are upset about. And that is that he named his boy Adolf Hitler. That's a tough name to carry around as he gets older Andy. The cake is gonna be the tip of the iceberg for that child. Try traveling on a Hitler passport. Your bags are gonna get searched. Try making a reservation at a restaurant under Adolf. You are going to struggle.. Try making a reservation at a restaurant under Adolf. You are going to struggle. Try registering for online dating. You're not going to get many requests for dates. And if you do, they probably aren't going to be coming

from the kind of people you want to go out with. Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name, Outch, and because no one else in the world would have that name. But that again is for fairly good reason Andy, it only means one thing. Oh nice to meet you, my name is Adolf Hitler Campbell. Oh, what a fascinating name.

Is that after Hitler? Yes, yes, Adolf Hitler, the Fuhrer. Well okay, but let's just, for a moment Andy, let's give this man the benefit of the considerable doubt. Maybe he isn't a racist, maybe he does just like the name. Let's just check the names of his other two children before we call him a racist. Well, he has a two-year-old called Jocelyn Lynn Aireanation Campbell. And an eight-month old called Hans Lynn Himmler, Genie Campbell after Himmler. Yes, he's a racist, he's a racist

down the bad father, bad father. It is hard to think of a name that's going to cause your child more difficult as it's school, or even as a sports star, tough name as a sports star, and a dull service, white to the backhand, Campbell returns, he clips the neck, oh it's good, and Adolf Hitler Campbell is Wimbledon champion. What a shame! Following on from Idy Armin, you're handsome and Paul Poppong on the goals winning the mixed doubles. This has been a bad Wimbledon. And now before our special Bugle Christmas feature section, a very special Christmas message from a big Bugle fan. Well hi hi Andy and John, it's good to have an opportunity to say farewell and yeah, happy

Easter folks. It's going to be a change for me, I believe it will be the end of an error. I happen to believe it's been a great error, one of the greatest errors in the history of the presidency. But you know, we move on and we all feel a credit crunch. And as you know know the White House will shortly be repossessed and I'm moving on and I hope to go to better things matter of fact I thought of opening up a shoe shop it's going very well a

lot of contributions so keep them coming in this is a part in kiss you dog from old bugle listeners. Thanks, Andy, I appreciate it. Was that a size 10? Yeah, can I have it back? I've got a walk home. Bugle feature section now and Christmas. Well, it's that time of year again, John. Gigantic flashing Santa Claus is starting to flash gigantically on the sides of people's houses the world over. Is it time of year we can forget about the credit crunch and war, personal and family problems to clauses are starting to flash gigantically on the sides of people's houses the world over. Is that for them?

It's the time of year we can forget about the credit crunch and war, personal and family problems and the crushing inevitability of suffering and death. And think instead about how best to make our houses look disgusting for the next few weeks. So in this section, we will be asking, what does Christmas really mean today? Is Christmas starting to lose touch with its commercial soul? Because Christmas John should be a little bit about giving and a lot about receiving. I mean, I ask you this, would anyone have taken the trouble to follow Jesus' career? If three big cheaters hadn't pitched about other blue-woodies birth who was some flash

gear, you tell me. Well, in fact, I'll tell you, no. So later in the section, we'll give you tips on what face to pull to express some mixture of gratitude and disapproval at an obviously last minute present. And also the etiquette of proclaiming atheist rhetoric over a small portable PA system during midnight mass. And also we delve into history to find out exactly what happened to the other parents in Mary and Joseph's anti-natal class. So where else to start, John, in a Christmas special, then with the hip presence to give this year, when the funkiest presence, what have you got lined up for your family?

I'm sorry, I'm still reeling from your casual uses of the term, hip and funky, there. I've been on a course. Right, well done. Yes, well done. I've just two weeks' residential course where I was trying to say the word funk authentically. Well, I'm not going to tell you what I've got lined up for my family and because my family might listen to this. Alright, okay.

So, well, you could lie about it. Well, I can give you a suggestion for what to give to your family, John. And it's from the new range of ethical presence, they're all the rage these days, you know, going on the internet, paying a man to tell you he's going to give someone a go, or even tell you that they're going to plan in a toilet in a thicket in Guatemala or post a chicken to Tanzania. But if those don't appeal to you, then there are some alternatives that are really selling well this year.

In fact, for 30 pounds or around $45 or for our European listeners, three euros 40, what has happened to our glorious currencies? Green Victoria would be shitting in her grove. Anyway, this is something to give to you more, you're more ethically aware, globally conscious, friends and loved ones. A 30-pound contribution to a hit on a despot.

With TakeOutAtarent.com, you can choose whether your money is spent on recruiting and training the assassin on the deadly bullet itself, or for the less active ethicalist, General Admin, for your chosen guerrilla group. Once your money has been spent, sit back and wait for the news to break, and democracy to win out, indirectly.

Watching the news has never been so exciting, which of the world's five most tyrannical leaders and human rights violators will be on the receiving end of your generosity, one of the literal big guns, or one of the world's more obscured dictators who subjugates his people in a more discreet corner of the world. We'll take out a tyrant's Pentagon-trained operatives, hit the target first time, will it bring chaos then peace, or just chaos and then more chaos? This is the present that keeps on giving, John, before leaving a devastating power vacuum leading to further instability and economic collapse.

Well, it will be a great thing to receive when it opens up. I'm saying, oh, a hit on the goblin, how did you know? Well, remember we were walking past that shot window and you mentioned how much you like him dead. You remember. Or alternatively for the global warming skeptic in your life, a 30 pound contribution to chinchingchainsaw.tv will buy two chainsaws for a remote Colombian village

to chop down precious rainforest and replace it with lucrative coca plants. And also for the truly committed Christian man, give the Jesus loving woman in your life the full authentic Christmas experience with the Bugles Christchild 2009 package. This includes authenticated fully operational sperms in an archbishop blessed test tube, plus syringe for non-notable divine style application. A 20 minute visit from a fully trained actor dressed as an angel to break the happy news to your lady, and a reservation on a working farm bed and breakfast for a medically unassisted birth. Get closer to your god with a total lack

of modern-day pain relief, includes postnatal visit, from three local celebrities bringing signed photos and memorabilia. Your Christmas emails now, and this one appropriately comes from Chris Eve from Turkey writes, Dear Andy and John, I'm puzzled by the Bernard Maid of Affair. He's been accused of frauds at the tune of $50 billion. A bracket's more of a symphony than a tune in my songbook, Good Point. And yet he's been released on bail of only $10 million. My question is this, if you accosted a robber who just stolen $500 out of your wallet, I'm assuming this is addressed to you rather than me, wallet. I'm assuming this is a

dresser you rather than me, John. Absolutely. Given that that amount is in the wallet and that currency. Would you accept a promise from the robber? Not to run away if you gave you a bond of $0.10 bracket hint he still has $499.90 of your money. I would appreciate hearing your views on this matter in a future issue of the bugle. Chris, you can hear it in this issue of the bugle. And, well, I would accept that. You know, I think you've got to forgive him, forget. We have an email here from Daniel Coli who says, dear bugleers, Recently, I decided to find a monumental undertaking to take up. Sadly, I couldn't find one one so I began a marathon bugle session. I downloaded every episode of the bugle onto my iPod and started listening to them at every free moment. This has led to me breaking into uncontrollable laughter during class and receiving awkward

glares that appear to question my sanity. At this time of this email I was five days and 29 episodes into this hellish venture. Hellish venture! Well, I think my sanity Jesus gapingly and in addition I'm launching a pre-emptive hotties from history. Oh nine nomination for none other than Jesus Christ No, what what a fitting time to do it Andy at this seasonal time of year He goes on say that's right. I had the sacrilegious balls to do it This hotty was the only successful Jewish model ever. Good point, what?

Oh, come on. He left them on. What about the model? He left the model. I know he was technically Italian, but he could have been Jewish, surely. No, no, his surname was Morganstone. Really? Rumors are that he's preparing for a comeback tour involving none other than the anti-Christ,

his former partner, before they had a falling out over the fate of humanity, and if you don't pick him you may burn in hell with me for nominating him. Well, thanks very much for that guaranteed damnation Daniel. Well, of course that does a reminder, John, of what the greatest Christmas present so you can give to anyone is, and that is the bugle. You know, in these credit crunch times, you know, a free podcast, you can even wrap anyone is and that is the bugle. You know, in these credit crunch times, you know, a free podcast, you can even wrap it up in some audio wrapping paper.

In fact, we'll give you some audio wrapping paper now. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. There is wrapping up and play it to your loved ones. That is probably the second greatest Christmas you can get this year. The first, of course, being buglebook of the year, my book. No, the first is a bike, yours is third.

Oh, come on, it's still on the podium. Still on the podium, but these charts are always fixed. This email comes from Will in Brighton on the subject, episode 11, Sport Forecast. He writes, gentlemen, having been a pull to the point of bankrupt see-dew to having a flutter at William Hill every week on the strength of your end of show forecasts. Oh, sorry, we do our best. Is this just those gentlemen in Malaysia or Orphi Persuasive? Anyway, he continues in appears that a member of the sporting community has taken it upon himself to salvage both of your reputations, just as the year is one into a close, up sets a man who after obviously listening to episode 11 of the Bugle,

clearly decided to take it upon himself to prove your predictions, absolutely bang on the nose or rather bang up the nose. 11 of the bugle, clearly decided to take it upon himself to prove your predictions absolutely bang on the nose or rather bang up the nose. Former England cricket a Chris Lewis in an extraordinary case of self-martitum has rescued or foregosting reputations by purposely getting caught with £200,000 worth of cocaine allegedly. Let's check that one in and rocking the world of cricket to its very core, just as predicted in episode 11 by John in January. I propose that this weekend's episodes fees go to Chris Lewis' bail.

I am a Class A narcotics Nostradamus, Andy. So I suggest that our fees go to help Chris Lewis' bail. Ironically, of course, he's a cricketing joke. The bail's that he so seldom succeeded in knocking off the Stumps' wealth bowl in for England. Apart from a bowl tendulkar at Lord in 96, and that was a good ball. I think the reason tendulkar was so surprised was because it had come out of Chris Lewis' hand. And our American listeners can now tune in again. And learn to love the world's greatest sport. So thanks very much for your as ever, excellent emails. Do Keaton flooding in over the festive periods?

That was nice and non-denominational. Yes, it was. That's better. Let's be inclusive, Andy. Whatever you get off on. Do Keaton flooding in too. Oh, be nice. Be nice, Andy. The bugle at timesonline.co.uk

And also, now I know I've been promising this for several weeks now but we will kick off the new year with a launch of the 2009 Hotties from History Calendar. It's something we can all plan our 2009 around. Or if you're looking for another cheap gift, I feel family this economically strange Christmas. Just sit your family around the blazing Christmas tree and say, sorry, it's the credit crunch, you don't have any actual presents. Apart from this one, 26 days left of the bus era. Best Christmas ever. Bando! Someone put out the fire. Sport now and well, what a year for sport. It's been, Andy. I mean, it's every year's a good year for sport.

I know, I don't know who your sportsman of the year is. There's so many to choose from. Of course, Michael Phelps, absolutely historic Olympics for him. I'm joking, of course. Plexico Bores. Sportsman of this and every other year in the past. He has rewritten the rules of sport. He's entertained in a way that others could only dream of.

He shot himself in the leg, Andy. The only way he could have been trumped is if Michael Phelps had shot himself in the leg in a swimming pool. Then he'd... He shot himself in the fin with a harpoon. That would have been the only way. Phelps shooting himself with a harpoon, but he didn't do it. Placicote did. Or someone else shooting Phelps with a harpoon.

Peter Vanden Hooghan bound. Well, he's the kind of guy that would do it. What about your sports lady of the year, John? Plexico, Boris and Adres. My sports, personally, would have to be man for a scruple joust, who's the first man ever to swallow a whole tennis unpire's chair in protest at a ropey line call, at the Rome master's.

That's what Clay Corks can do to you. I can drive a man in something. The point is, it was a great year for sport. Yeah, it was a great year for us both Bores and Scropwell's Yast contest. Just time for the final bugle forecasts of 2008, John, and the forecast this week is the same as it has been for the last two weeks. By this time next week, Will I have had another baby? Uh, well, I mean, obviously, medically, you'd say no, but you've already surprised the world by delivering your own child. So, you've probably capable of anything. Oh, no, I've just got the confidence now.

I reckon I could just go out to a woman, lay my hands on our shoulders, crouch down and catch something. That's going a power midwives like me have John. So that's it from the beautiful 2008 we're off over Christmas, Hanukkah, Kanawanza, or not normally just based celebration but still a great time to be with your loved one. For our Australians, Australian listeners, the boxing day test match. We're off over that period. We'll be back in 2009. John, do you think it's going to be a good year 2009?

Yeah, let's see. Spoiler alert on that one. Spoiler alert. Well, we'll find out soon enough. We'll be back with the first bugle of the new year. On the Monday the 5th of January. Goodbye, buglers. Have a great holiday and happy new year. Ha ha ha. Say it like you're mean. Say it like you're mean.

What are you talking about? I do mean it. Ha ha ha. Cheerio! Bye-bye. And thanks to George W. Bush and Mr. Rory Bremler for pretending to be him. for pretending to be him.