The Bugle - Help Save The Investment Banker

Episode Date: September 21, 2008

The 45th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio News Paper for a Visual World! Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue number 45 of the Bugle the World's leading and only Audio News Paper for a Visual World for the week beginning Monday the 22nd of September, 2008 with me and his ultimate in London and in the unholy city of Los Angeles. John Oliver.

What are you talking about on Holy City? Let's go for a second, John. God hates Los Angeles. Hello, by the way, Buglers, hello Andy. That was merely a very informal start. I'm not, that's not what I'm about. I'm about formality if nothing else. This is probably the furthest distance between us

of any Bugle yet. And he'd London to LA about eight hour time difference around 5,000 miles and you're eight hours ahead you may get the joke slightly before I do don't spoil the format. And I'm here in LA because I'll have to go to the Emmys tonight where for the first time in my life Andy I'll be wearing a full tuxedo which I was led to believe is the item of clothing which makes men look the best they possibly can and if that's true Then let me tell you I've got nothing As I looked at the mirror I didn't look so off. I looked like I'd just been in barbed

I was about to be lowered into a grave. I was imagining I was gonna look like James Bond's surrounded by women in bikinis not grieving relatives The fitting lady looked at me as I came out of the room with a mixture of horror and sympathy before just saying, well at least it fits. At least it fits. Well, the photograph from my wedding, if you are attempting to wear a jacket, can certainly testify to your inability to hold clothes. Exactly. Exactly.

I'm not a good clothes horse. Well, if you were a clothes horse, you would be heading straight to the glue factory. Also, and I met Tony Blair this week, and by meat, I mean that he stared at me with barely concealed contempt. I realized beforehand that he was my first vote. I gave my democratic virginity to that man. And at the time, I thought it was something really special, like there were scented candles in the booth. And now, it just felt like meeting an ex-girlfriend after a period of years,

with the relationship having ended really, really badly. And you just find yourself wondering what you saw in that person in the first place. We did this opening sketch on the show, which we actually had to cut for time, but it's on the Daily Show website, if Bublas are interested in seeing it. And it ended with me telling John Stuart to ask the Prime Minister

why he dragged my country into an unnecessary war. And I think it was probably that that pissed him off of it. So John is in LA for the Emmys and just met Tony Blair. I had a really good past drummy sandwich on the first of first. So big things happening for both of us this week. I am back now from my holiday in Italy where I've been I was for about 10 days and John I've learned a greater respect for the Buffalo over that period of time. A lot of things the buffalo's learned a greater respect for me and my capacity to eat its cheese. Well, I think I've learnt one very valuable lesson from my tripping Italy, and that is if you squeeze a buffalo's tits and collect your resulting liquid in a special buckets and then put it through a basic cheese-making process.

But the key part of that process, John, is ensuring that you accurately determine the sex of the buffalo before you start squeezing. So as always some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin this week, an autumn section, now that autumn is coming to the only hemisphere that really counts the British hemisphere, then autumn that cockish metaphor for life's inevitable decline, we are commemorating it with its own special section, including a feature on the Grouse Shooting season, which is now in full swing here in Britain. Looking like it could be a good one for the Greys this year, John. They've already killed 28 people while suffering only 13 fatalities themselves.

From things fears that the Russians have been arming the Greys, and this season could be one of the bloodiest in the history of the British aristocracy. Also, the Autumn section leaves. What the f*** is their problem with staying on trees these days? And also, last week was London Fashion Week. So we ask to commemorate this. What is more important? Fashion or medical science?

It's nice not to die so much of cholera anymore, but if we didn't have such lovely clothes to wear, would it be worth it? You decide. have such lovely clothes to wear, would it be worth it? You decide. Top story this week and the economy. In case you hadn't checked your bank balance for how much money you've got in the last seven days, spoiler alert, you haven't got any more. What you've got instead is ownership in the debts of some catastrophically irresponsible international investment banks. At least that's something. Try and buy your weekly groceries with that. [♪ Music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in these proud beasts who want so proudly ran through the city savannah of wine bars.

Snorting cocaine before pillaging the economies of the Third World are in danger of extinction. We must collectively do something to save these endangered species before it's too late. I do hope that parents are taking their children to witness what could be the last days of these free range douchebags Before they are taken into captivity for their own and everyone else is safety Fact I saw David Attenborough on Wall Street last week shooting a wildlife documentary He was crouching against a new stand, gaining the confidence of a banker by holding a glass of shabby out in his hand Making sure that he made no sudden movements to start all these easily panicked creatures. And by the time I left him, Atomborough was killed up in his lap as the banker

cradled him in his arms and went through his wallet. Well, hopefully the world will clump together and start breeding investment banks in captivity. Because it's quite tragic. On to me, it's sort of like the dinosaurs when they died out. You know, they just got greedy the dinosaurs and they generally prepare for the asteroid attack that they simply must have known Was coming they just got complacent and ran around roaring eating cavemen and trying to get off with Rackl Welsh Sure enough bang goodbye Johnny dinosaur and that's pretty much what seems to have happened with the world Interesting speed on history Andy, really interesting. So indeed the World Economy as suspected is up shit creek and what's more not only does

it not have a paddle having always relied on pretend paddles to get it out of trouble but it's actually driven itself up shit creek in a massive ostentatious oversized speedboat and now seems intent on accelerating further up, shit creek, just to see what is at the end of that maloderous waterway. Uh, now John, muddy waters, the great blues man, said a lot of wise things in his time. But when he sang, you can't lose what you ain't never had.

He betrayed that for all his malifless sonorous magnificence. His ability to encapsulate the ultimately tragic nature of human existence in one wordless, ugh, he knew Jack K. Shit about 21st century economics. You can clearly lose what you've never had. And you can also lose what no one else has ever had either, hence the problem we're in.

I think John, what we've learned from this is that the world economic markets are total dicks. Earlier in the week the investment bank layman brothers filed for bankruptcy after the Fed refused to bail them out. And this seems inconsistent mainly because it is. Some have said that this was to send a message to the rest of Wall Street but the only discernible message that I can make out there is that they just didn't screw up badly enough. AIG got bailed out because they were more entwined with other major organisations and the damage of them falling would have been greater. Laman brothers were only guilty of not quite being shit enough at their jobs. So that's the lesson for the future. Be worse and you'll be fine. If you're going to act irresponsibly recklessly, you have to do it to such an extent that you become immune to consequence.

Well, it's basically these financial institutions demanding protection money from the government and therefore us, the public. The government don't bail them out. They'll basically steal our savings and effectively burn down our houses. Who is to blame for all this? Well, Bush is anxious to point out that this is no time to be pointing the finger, especially if the finger is jabbing in his direction. But the truth is, with the deregulation was actually started under the Clinton administration, so he has to shoulder some of it as well. I want to go on record, Andy, saying, I don't think it's my fault. I have never undershared in my life, Andy. So I'm pretty sure that I'm in the clear on this one.

I tell you who I blame, John. I blame the communists. Because if the communists hadn't kicked off the whole capitalism, communism, bitching match, then capitalism wouldn't have felt the need to prove how cool it is by swinging its wang around so much. The Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson, said that as much as one trillion dollars could be needed to avoid an imminent meltdown of the US financial system, and Bush is proposing the most expensive bailout in US history. We all thought he wanted to go out with a bang but most people just assumed that that bang would take place in downtown Teran,

not to be in the form of a spending spree. That man is full of surprises. If only at least a few of those surprises were pleasant. So the US taxpayer is bailing out these banks and Andy that's me. I am a US taxpayer. I'm a hero. Now I'm not entirely sure how this works but I think this means I'm now own part of your house. Why help Wall Street rather than the four million people who are losing their homes in this country? Well Andy they've got something better than homes now. They know that they've saved an investment bank from self annihilation. It should be like those systems

of sponsoring an African child. I hope these homeless people get birthday cards every year from an investment bank with a little drawing that they can stick to the fridge that they no longer own. I think the problem is, John, that's as a species, we've become a bit obsessed with greed. There's a great problem for humanity

in saying enough is enough. People always want more, let me illustrate. If know, if you, for example, have just bought a giant golden statue of British TV weather forecast, a Helen Willits for £50 million. I have done that. Well, the thing is, you're always then going to want to buy a giant golden statue of British TV weather forecast as Sarah Wilmshurst for at least £80 million, just in case your friends think you've fallen on hard times. In case they say to you how come you haven't bought a massive golden statue of a weather forecastle recently, you might reply what I just thought one was enough and quite happy with it and

that's a, oh really, sure, well it's just Dave down the road has got Nina Ridge and two Rob McElwys in his garden. Look if you're having problems, no, no I'll get Wilmshurst and a Philip Avery for the wife. So that's kind of how it works. So I guess it's not how it works. I don't know how internet's before it has worked, but I'm pretty sure it's not like that. It's Troubled and Rob McElwin statues. When you see this is how Troubled Down works, give it 20 years, they'll be stalled on street corn selling affordable low-quality porcelain hell and will it's for everyone can afford. Other news now and what a week for democracy it's been all around the world, all kinds of bits of democracy happening left right and centre, particularly in Zimbabwe, where

it seems that McGarby and Spangangeri are getting ever closer to sharing power, which does seem a bit of a strange partnership, John. To me, Svanger, I going into partnership with McGarby, is a bit like a woman marrying a man who has spent the last 15 years throwing her in jail, intimidating and murdering her supporters, and bringing his country to and beyond the brink of social and economic catastrophe. I'll just, can't see how it's going to work. You know, the best man's speech is going to sound sarcastic and there'll probably be

a fight between some drunk and aunties. You just don't see what it's like when they're together, are they? That's right. In involved with the inexplicably still alive Morgan Spanger, I has finally reached a power sharing agreement with Robert McGarby, which seems to be that McGarby stays president and Svanga are stays not dead. Not a bad deal, but certainly not a democratic one. And one of the details of the deal seemed particularly surprising. Mr. McGarby's Justice Minister, Patrick Chinemasa, appeared immediately after the signing ceremony and said, all parties agreed that they share liability for violence around election time. So, sharing power seems to be sharing the blame for everything. First rule of power, sharing Andy, what's mine is yours,

and that includes responsibility for human rights abuses. I guess John life is all about compromise and no relationships do change. And maybe in 10 years we'll all be sitting here laughing about how McGarby and Spanger I never used to get on with each other. And they'll probably be sat by fire somewhere in her hurry saying hey, do you remember when you broke my skull? Yeah, that was funny, wasn't it? I've got a lot of leaders on the way out. Tobbe and Becky is going to be clearing his desk to devote more of his time to killing himself about AIDS

Ehud almerds is sniffing off to brush up on the Israeli corruption law, some of which seems to have slipped by him. So could Gordon Brown be next? Well, the Labour Conference this week in Manchester should give us a few clues. We do know that Gordon Brown, John, is going to attempt to smile at some points. And everyone here at the Bugle wish him well for that. And it's good that he's still trying to master that most difficult of facial craft. But, John, will it be the kind of smile of a man who's going to eat a bear, or the kind of smile of a man who's going to be eaten by a bear?

I guess that's the big question going into this conference. At the moment Brown is about as popular as Nikolai Chowchesky, turning up in a women's changing room at a public swimming pool. So let's see if he can. Especially, especially on popular because you know, he died a long time ago and there's bound to be some kind of decomposition. You don't want that in a changing room. So the party conferences are upon the people of Britain

who must now desperately try to fake at least some level of interest because coming off the back of the US conventions, these look even worse. Although it's been now that J.K. Rowling has donated one million pounds to the Labour Party, and Mr Brown said he was delighted to have the backing of, and I quote, one of the world's greatest ever-authors. Steadyon!

I like those stories as much as the next man, which is, I like him a bit. If Dalian Daniel Steele gave the bugle a million quidgion. I would happily rank her up alongside the greats of world lit for a year. In Israel, Zippie Livney is closing in on replacing Eher Dolmert as Prime Minister of Israel. And all she has to do to achieve this is put together a coalition government. And that shouldn't be too hard, should it? And he's not actually lives in one of the most divided regions on earth, is it? Oh, I'm

sorry, she lives where? As Israel's lead peace negotiator, she's already committed to discussing all issues with the Palestinians, which goes down with the hardline Israelis about as well as a woman discussing all issues with the Palestinians. The only problem is that the King-Maker in this coalition may well be an ultra-orthodox party run by a rabbi who was said in the past and brace yourself. The Holocaust was God's retribution against the reincarnated souls of Jewish sinners, and Hurricane Katrina was divine punishment for godlessness in New Orleans and US support for Israel's pull out from Gaza. What a lovely man Andy, a real rack on tour. He also

said walking between two women is like walking between two donkeys or between two camels. I really don't see why she should have a problem dealing with him, Andy. As long as she's not a fendibob being called a donkey or a camel, they should get on like a checkpoint on fire. Pughal feature section now and this week we have a special section on escapism. The world has become even more depressing than it already was before and we are giving you the chance to escape from reality because the harsh realities of reality have hit home like a drunken husband finding that his wife has changed the locks and it's got to the stays now where we really could do with another wall kicking off just to take our minds off things. So for escapism, John I would suggest

that everyone should take up a new hobby or religion or species. Just so we can get away from worrying about global economic catastrophe. Hobbies I would suggest taking up our pencil snapping. It's quite a good challenge to see how many times you can snap one pencil. Scientists believe the maximum is 16. However long the pencil is. Err, Croquet and Eve's dropping, which I think John is one of life's great free hobbies. Eve's dropping and I was on a train the other day and I ever heard a man talking to his wife on the phone. He'd bought her her favorite thing and Could she guess what it was and she couldn't guess what it was? And he then go for a clue. He said well begins with G and she still couldn't get it and then he said it begins with G

R and then she got it and I don't know what it was You kidding me. What I really want to know what it is some Some grapes. Grapes. I just can't see, I mean I respect grapes. They play a very valuable role in the history of human civilization in their very crucial part in the winemaking process. But I can't see how they could be someone's favourite thing. Grooier? Is it Grooier? Come here Grooier. I don't know. I can't believe you're doing this to me Andy. I'm not, I'm kind of, I think you can be on my mind all day. Maybe he kidnapped former England cricketer Graham Gooch

and was gonna take him home. Bueller's, send in your suggestions for what her favorite thing may have been. GR, that's what it starts with. Gravel. And the most likely winner will be announced next week. Also in terms of his scopes and perhaps the best thing to do is to try and distract one another and Britain did what it could this week by producing a magnificent photo up for the release of the

new Guinness Book of Records. Gathering the world's smallest man, he ping-ping. He measures in at 29.37 inches tall and they stood him or his stage name. I don't know. They stood in between the legs of the world's longest-legged woman, whose pins measure 51.96 inches. And judging by the amount of worldwide media attention that this got, this was just what the planet needed in our darkest hour, I returned to the Victorian Free Show. It seemed to be the best way of distracting people. Get an older small thing and an over big thing and put them next to each other. Is everyone still depressed? Okay,

bring out the bearded boy. Your emails now and the first email this week comes from Nick Corn, who says greetings John and the guy in Britain. And he said, I found a useful side effect of listening to the archives of the bugle in large chunks for many days in a row. The professor of my college art class has a particularly thick British accent, and I, like 98% of my fellow Americans, am allergic to British accents. The first day of class I innocently walked in, and my reaction when she opened her mouth, caused my ears, nose and throat to swell so badly that it necessitated me being airlifted to the local hospital to be treated

by a lingual therapist. I sure mean the ain't is perfectly fine to say in conversation. However, because of MP3 compression, along with studio filters and John's extended residence in New York, I have no trouble listening to the Bugle podcast and find that by listening to upwards of five episodes at a time, your condensed accents are acting as an audio antivirus. And now when I attend my art class, I barely break out into a rash when she talks about the things she had to get used to when she first came up to the States.

Feel proud, Andy and John, you're part of the miraculous remedy that will probably go unused as Americans are so busy with their tiny clothes for dogs and chocolate ice cream potato chips smoothies that they will be forced to continue ignoring the rest of the world for many years to come Thank you again Nick Corn. Why are you welcome Nick? Unlike the major pharmaceutical companies, we're just letting this out there as an autoimmune system Andy Well, we're not don't want to profit from this. I would like to pick up on something, though, John,

because it's well known that there is no such thing as a British accent. We just talk. The rest of the world has accents. Yeah. We are different. It's like Grennitz means time. We have time.

Everyone else basically takes us as a lead. Yeah, that's right. This is how words are supposed to sound. That's your baseline. Now, you want to be flamboyant on top of that, that's between you and your conscience. This email comes from Christopher Adlam in Glencoe, Ontario, Canada.

And this is on the subject of hockey moms. And he writes, Dear Andy and Oli, I've been a huge fan of yours since episode 31. Now, I sincerely hope that means that you came across it on episode 31 and have listened to it since, Rob, you ploughed through the first 30 episodes. And finally thought, actually it's okay. And Chris continues, I wish to point out an error in your recent episode about hockey

moms episode 44, where you stated that Wayne Gretzky's mother defeated Mario Lemuse mother two shrieks on a yelp to a squawk and two yelps? Since Gretzky's mother has now been dead for close to three years, it would be next to impossible for her to utter so much as a faint wheeze, much less a shriek on a yelp to defeat Lemuse mother, unless Dr Victor Frankenstein were to bring her corpse back to life. Since Gretzky is considered to be Jesus like here in Canada, I'm afraid you two have committed the ultimate act of Hozerblaspheme. Therefore in order to avoid being extra-dited to the Great White North to face a public stoning with day-old doughnuts from Tim Hortons. I strongly urge you both to apologize to the 30 million plus Canadians, they can't possibly be that many, who worship

Gretzki and all things hockey because weak Canadians have no other life to lead as it is golden boring as hell in Canada. They count seals up there, Andy, as a whole Canadians. Yeah, they've got passports. We have another email from a pig, who says, as a pig, I'm outraged by Barack Obama's insinuation that Sarah Paley looks like a pig in lipstick. Now, obviously, as a pig in lipstick.

Now, obviously, as a pig, he has misinterpreted that comment as well. He's been led by the media. There was not a reference to Sarah Paley in the talk, but the pig goes on to say, yes, this is a dark day for pigs in America. Pigs today all over America are fended by the recent political conspiracy. Pigs have not been so offended to such a comparison in recent history. North American pigs are banning together with the Canadian Bacon Union and organising an international response to this insult to pigs all over the world, and particularly the North American continent. Being compared to Republican politicians is just

simply outrageous and will not be tolerated for shame Mr Obama for shame and that signed skater the pig. There's no more angry creature than an insulted pig. But that pig needs to calm down put himself between to lettuce and tomato and a couple of slices of salad though and enjoy its natural habitat nestled safely in the BLT. Thank you also for your nominations for the Bugle Presidents, as we requested. These nominations have include such luminaries of the world as Crackers from Caracas, Hugo Chavez and the Newcastle Football Legend Kevin Keegan. But we had another footballer suggested John, in fact another Newcastle footballer from James McBride in Dublin who votes for Malcolm McDonald to be the legal president in November.

For our American listeners, Malcolm McDonald was a 1970s footballer, renowned for his large sideburns. James Wright's, I'm voting for McDonald this November for so many reasons. Well, three. Firstly, he scored five goals against Cyprus, whose location in the Mediterranean probably means that he has as much expertise on Middle East matters as Sarah Pylens' home in Alaska gives her on Russia. 2. Because the transfer fee involved in his move from Newcastle to Arsenal in 1976, which was £333,333, means that he must have a certain flair for economics.

Well, more than the people who run Freddie Mac and Fanny May anyway, and three, he played for Arsenal. How much more military experience does a man need? And as his vice-presential running mate, I'm voting for myself. My campaign slogan of whatever you believe in, I agree, should close the deal with most voters. Football and outright pandering, it's a winning combination. Thanks James McBride, McDonald and McBrideide. It's gonna be a tough one to beat.

Well, you say that. How about this one from Leary, from Silver Spring, Maryland? Who said, dear John and Andy, I'd fully intended to vote for Barack Obama in the upcoming election, and I may still. But after your compelling arguments in issue 44, I felt that I'd not given due consideration to a small pencil I stole from my care.

It may be an inanimate object, but it definitely has more charisma than John McCain, and he gets to be a candidate. Further reasoning for nominating a small pencil I stole from my key include one, it actually serves a purpose. Two, it has golden life, which is certainly achievable and makes sense. Three, it is filled with graphite, a material which itself is cheap, but is related to diamonds and so has the perspective of both ends of the spectrum of wealth. I absolutely love that. And for, it has never to my knowledge discriminated against anyone for any reason, and is content being used by a person of any given race, sexual orientation gender. Indeed, the only people it might possibly be prejudiced against are those who do not have fingers.

True. I hope that more people will consider voting for this, a small pencil I stole from my keer in the upcoming election. I can just tell by the way it lies there on my desk that it is excited that the prospect of becoming the next president of the United States. Love, leery, magnificence. And this nomination comes from Brett Sonnenstein in Brooklyn in New York. Thanks for your email, Brett again.

And he writes, Dear John and Andy, I'm supporting as my nomination for President for Bugle in 2008, the Ghost of Basketball Great, Wilts Chamberlain. Oh, yeah, good. Like many Americans, I've wanted a Ghost Chief Executive for years. The advantages are obvious.

A ghost doesn't need secret service protection, as he has already dead. Ghosts can haunt unwanted world leaders like Chavez or Armadine, a jaddon till they flee their residence in fear, and who wouldn't want to see the amusing spectacle of a White House press corps conducting slyances instead of press conferences. And instead of bush looking into Vladimir Putin's eyes and judging his soul, a ghost president could literally reach inside Putin and touch his soul. I'd like to see him wriggle his way out of that one.

And why Chamberlain? Sure, he was a brilliant athlete who used his skills instead of his physical advantages and had a famous sense of sportsmanship, but mostly because the man said in his autobiography that he slept with over 20,000 women. That's hotly from history territory. That's more woman than the entire British parliament has ever slept with. Let's see, hips to French President Sarkozy look cool next to a 7-foot ghost with 20,000 bedroom conquests.

The USA will be the envy of the world again in no time. Even though nothing indicates Chamberlain has any economic experience, this would be remedied by placing a leprechaun on the ticket, with their limitless supplies of pots of gold, the American economy would be out of recession in weeks. Also, this would lock up the Irish votes. So I say, Ghost of Wilk Chamberlain, Stroke, Leprechaun, 08. Thanks Brett, we've got some very strong contenders. Do keep those contenders flooding into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk

And on the subject of escapism again, sport and well as we record the singles day of the rider cup is quite literally about to begin so we can simultaneously do a review and preview of the rider cup. John it's been fascinating couple of days of goal, I'm sure, has America been gripped by it? Well, I know, American Andy can once again care about the rider cup, now that they're winning it again. They're interested in the competition, seems to be in direct correlation

to how well they're doing at it. So yeah, they are very pleased about it. And you, John, as a member of the European nation, perhaps the greatest golf nation in the whole golf world. Yeah, I know that, you know, if you, if you, if you're cut, John John you bleed the blue and gold of the EU flag. Yeah and with little yellow stars. That comes out as well. That's due to a mixture of a blood infection and a bad diet. But anyway, I mean it's still must be very difficult for you being in a European in America

at this time with that such a fierce battle for supremacy going on. Well I just want to run on to the golf course and say, why do we have to fight? Can't we just get along? Phil, Mikkelson, put down your golf club. Faldow, relax. So what's your prediction for the final day, John, when who's going to come out supreme? It's a battle for supremacy between America and Europe, the like of which hasn't been seen since World War II.

When America invaded Europe, only to find which hasn't been seen since World War II, when America invaded Europe, only to find out that Europe had already invaded itself. The winner is going to be golf balls, Andy. They love travelling through the air as fast as possible, and they're going to be doing that quite a lot. So, I mean, you just, the big winner is those little white, bespeckled balls. My biggest disappointment so far, John, is the absence of novelty joke golf balls

in the Ryder Cup. The funniest joke in the world. It's quite literally the funniest joke in the world, has advertised on the box of a novelty joke golf ball that I acquired from my father-in-law. Which I think was the funny, it was the exploding golf ball, that is the funniest joke in the world. Yeah. The competition gets a little overheated at times in the rider cup and a little jingoistic. And maybe, you know, if Hunter Mayhann were to line up on the

tee on the 18th, needing to win the hole to grab a crucial half for America on the last day, and swing his club at the ball and the ball then just exploded in puff of flour. It just might lighten the mood a bit. And I think top level golf needs more pranks. And here are the early results from the crazy golf rider cup at the bell-free in the quarterfinals. Ian the Leicester slasher McHugh beats Nutty Trevor four and three. But Wildman McGraw came back from America by beating Screaming Pedro by one hole. Ken Napoleon Smith, Bonaparte, got a walk over over dribbling Wes Nunk

after Nunk hid in a tree. And John Daly beat Ian Poulter, two and one. MUSIC So that's it for the bugle this week. We'll just finish off with the bugle forecast. The forecast this week is on who is going to go bust this week? John, who's your money on? Tricky to say and I think maybe

Maybe Microsoft are gonna go bust this week and they're gonna be taken over by Manchester City football club I think that's my economic prediction. I've got two possibilities for this. One, the guy who sells flowers on the A40 out of London. Right. I'll just think, you know, there's always going to be a demand for business from feeling guilty on the way home to see their wives buying bunches of roses. But I think the quality of his products is just not good enough in the modern marketplace. And also Bulgaria, as a country, is going to go busts.

They're just coming up to their hundredth anniversary of independence, and I think they just might bite too many fireworks. So that's it for the Mughal Happy Wedding anniversary to my parents. Oh, hey, why not? Why not? Well the reason why not, John, is they probably won't listen to this.

But anyway, it's out there now. It's a good reason why not. It's a good reason. But I'm off for an excruciatingly awkward few hours. Oh yeah. Well good luck to amongst them. Hidiously attractive people. I'm sure you'll wear your Armani suit with style and pride. Yeah. I think we all know none of that is true. Have you written your winning speech in case? No, I have not. I have prepared my losing expression.

Well, good luck, John. All bugles are rooting for you. Yeah, that's right. This will be a big win for the bugle. Well, I do plug the bugle in your winning speech. Sure. It will do. I know the next one. I'll plug the bugle, whatever it is. Okay, even if that award is my breakfast in the morning. Bye-bye!

Cheerio! you